Original subtitles

(SIGHING) (CHEERING ON TV)

(TURNS OFF TV)

What is it?

Nothing, nothing. You look busy, it's okay.

Yeah, this is a good game, Jay.

(TURNS ON TV)

Oh, man, this is a good game.

Jordan is shooting the ball beautifully.

He's playing like the old Jordan.

He is the old Jordan.

(SIGHING MELODRAMATICALLY)

(MUTES TV)

Jay, what's going on?

Okay, you really want to know?

Look at me.

Look into my eyes, Michael. Look into...

My eyes.

Is this leading to nakedness, or is this just conversation?

What do you mean, just a conversation?

Let me finish. Because if it's just conversation,

then your beauty is way too distracting. Okay?

But if I just look straight ahead...

Yeah, like where the television is.

Okay, I was thinking more of the doorknob,

but let's go with the television.

Mmm-hmm.

Then I can listen to you

and not be mesmerized by your dazzling essence.

Uh-huh.

Come on, Michael. I have a problem, and I wanna talk about it.

Let's talk.

I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored. I'm bored.

Watch this game. This is a great game.

Oh, will you please listen to me?

Since I've been out of work,

I've cleaned every single inch of this house,

I've cooked everything there is to cook on the Martha Stewart website.

I've done every project I've put off for the past 17 years.

I mean, look at this.

I've organized every child's memory chest.

They're not old enough to have memories.

And none of them have developed a chest yet.

Come on, doesn't this ring a bell? Look at this.

It's Junior's first big boy drawers.

Yeah, and I remember the big doo-doos he left in these drawers.

What about this? Remember this haircut?

Oh, Kady's first.

No, your last.

(SIGHING)

Hey, look at this. Remember this guy?

Oh, yeah, babe. This is Claire's E.T. doll. Oh!

She used to drag this poor thing everywhere.

Yeah, her first love was an alien.

That explains her taste in that boy, Tony.

Anyway, don't you see my dilemma?

I've done everything there is to do around here.

I sure wish I was more productive.

Hey, I got an idea.

If the Wizards take another timeout,

I got something for you to do.

Like what?

Well, it depends on if it's a 20-second timeout or a two-minute timeout.

Michael, come on! I wanna talk about stuff.

What stuff, baby?

I don't know! Like...

Hey, babe.

Are you still having that problem

with your accounting department at work?

Nope, got rid of the accountant. Problem gone.

Really? Yeah.

That really must be an inconvenience.

Not really.

Hey, babe.

Remember when you first started the business?

I used to do your accounting.

Butt-naked audits. I remember that.

I sure miss those days, boy.

I wonder where this is going.

I want a job.

You have a job.

You have the most amazing, most beautiful job on the planet.

You're a mother. A mother, Jay.

Well, if being a mother

is so noble, why don't men do it, huh? Why don't you do it, Michael?

I can hardly pass this beer, let alone a baby.

Come on, let me have the remote back.

No! No, you gotta come better than that.

Jay, look, it's the last minute of the game.

(IN SINGSONG) That doesn't interest me!

Okay, I'll tell you what.

Instead of me hiring one of those pesky temps,

why don't you just come in and help out?

(GASPS)

Babe, you want me to work for you?

If it's gonna end this conversation, yeah.

(EXCLAIMING) Baby, that is so sweet!

You are so smart and so wonderful.

And you know I'm good with numbers, right, baby?

And everybody knows I'm already sleeping with the boss.

Love you!

See? There's not a problem I can't fix.

And I'm about to fix you.

Got it.

Hi, kids.

Hey, Dad, aren't you gonna have breakfast?

Nope, I don't have no time.

Your mother wants to get an early start at work today.

You guys are gonna work together?

That's right. Your mother is my new accountant.

(LAUGHING) What happened? Did you lose a bet?

Hey, baby. Do I look nice?

Do I look stupid? You look perfect.

Mom, what are you doing with my old E.T. doll?

Oh, I found him last night.

I'm thinking about giving it to Kady.

(IN CHILDISH VOICE) If that's okay?

I'm 15. Hello?

You know, I used to love that doll, too.

Oh, that's right. You used to call him your little wrinkly pal.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, that was E.T. he was talking about.

Mommy, can I wear two different shoes?

Are they both yours? Yes.

JAY: Okay!

Mmm, yeah, he's so cute.

Here she comes.

What's behind your back, Daddy?

It's a magical surprise.

Is it money?

Only for Steven Spielberg.

Kady, I want you to meet your new best friend.

Say hello to E.T.!

(SCREECHING)

(RAP SONG PLAYING)

That's my song.

Are you really listening to that?

Not anymore, huh?

(TURNS OFF RADIO)

I wanna talk about work.

I wanna talk about what you expect of me, my responsibilities.

I wanna talk about that. What do you want to do?

Okay. You are an accountant.

Mmm-hmm.

And I expect you to account.

And you know what we just added to your job description?

You're in charge of turning the radio up and loud

and back to that station.

Michael, can we forget the radio?

I want you to tell me what you want me to do as your accountant.

I don't... Jay... Baby, whatever you wanna do.

You just knock yourself out.

Pull over! Pull over! Whoa! What?

Is that Freddie, our dry-cleaner?

Where, under the bus?

No! What you talking about? In the cleaners.

I did not know they were open this early.

Jay, you made me pull over three lanes of traffic

to see if Freddie was in the dry-cleaner?

Yes, 'cause now I can run in there

and see if he got that wine stain out of our tablecloth.

Oh, no. Hey, hey, hey. Jay, Jay.

I didn't get up an hour early to run errands.

Is that what you thought I was gonna do?

Excuse me, but this is very efficient.

Now I don't have to look for a parking space. (SCOFFS)

Yeah. (MIMICKING JAY) But I do.

I'm starting to get it.

I'm ruining your morning ritual, is that right?

Yes, you are.

You are ruining my damn ritual.

Jay, when I get up in the morning,

I get in the car, I don't... I don't run errands.

I turn on the radio,

I put on a little seat heat, I like to fart, and...

You know, so that when I give the...

What, you crying?

I wanted you to be proud of me!

I am proud of you. Look at my chest, all puffed out. I'm...

That's proudness for you. No.

I'm with Jay, hey.

No, Michael. No!

I wanted our first day at work to be special!

I wanted to look good, and I wanted to make you proud!

But it is... Jay, I'm proud.

You're having second thoughts about me going to work with you,

I know. I can tell. (BABBLING INCOHERENTLY)

You look beautiful. No. I know you...

You're beautiful, listen to me.

No, Michael, I feel...

I want you to be there with me at work.

I ain't... Hey, look at me.

I need you to be working with me.

Please? For real?

Pretty please?

For real, for real?

For real, for real, for real.

Thank you, baby.

Okay?

Oh, look! The nail salon is open, too.

Maybe I can get a quick polish. I'll be back.

What have I done?

...street construction here.

So you might wanna reverse your route

and kind of sneak around through the back way.

Yeah, good. That'll work.

Hi, sweetie!

Hi, RJ, how you doing?

No, no, no, don't get up.

What... What are these?

Oh, these are all my files.

I know. Why... Why are they in my office?

Oh, have you been in that accountant office lately?

It's all dusty and dingy.

I mean, really, who could work there?

Accountants?

Yeah, well, this is much nicer.

Are you kicking me out of my office?

Of course not, sweetie.

You're gonna sit on this side, I'm gonna sit on this side.

No, no. That... That doesn't work, Jay.

Of course, it'll work. You want me to show you?

Okay. RJ, move over a little bit.

No, a little bit...

So, RJ, what were you guys talking about?

You see, I have this Brooklyn route,

and there's construction going on,

so we were talking about it.

Yeah, I told him to work it backwards.

What? That's a terrible idea, Michael.

You're gonna have him running into all that rush hour traffic.

No, RJ, what you need to do

is you need to use all the cross streets up and down

and avoid all the main arteries.

Backwards? Silly man.

That's a great idea, Mrs. Kyle. Thanks.

Oh, you're welcome, RJ.

Could you stop that, please?

I'm tapping, Jay. It clears my head. I tap.

Yes, well, it's very annoying.

Well, it's not annoying me. Is it annoying you, RJ?

(INTERCOM BUZZING)

Hello? Yes.

It's for you. Oh, okay.

I'll just take that out there.

Good idea.

You know, I really should get another line put in here.

I'm not comfortable yet. I'm really not.

How did this happen, boss?

There's 30 seconds left, Jordan had the ball, she had the remote.

Hey. What are you doing?

Changing little Pipi's pants. She had an accident.

Can E.T. and I play?

You can, but it can't.

But E.T.'s totally magic. Everybody knows that.

He better have something going on,

'cause he looks like a chewed-up Milk Dud.

Oh, come on, Kady.

Once you get to know him, you'll realize ET's all about love

and kids and just wanting to go home.

Who's stoping him?

No offense, but it's not like Little Pipi's such a babe.

But he's got a bald head

a long neck

and skinny fingers. Uhhh!

You just described dad.

Have you ever seen a dad doll?

No.

I rest my case.

JAY: I've been over the books and over the books

and over the books and over the books.

I mean, sure, the books are in order,

but running a business is so much more than just solid finances.

Good night, Jay.

Good night.

The lounge, for instance.

When was the last time the coffee machine was cleaned?

And why don't we have a healthier menu?

Those snack machines are all filled with sodium, sugar, and preservatives.

You know, the guys really need their fiber.

They're truck drivers, Jay.

The last thing you wanna do is give them fiber.

Okay? One bump, and we're changing uniforms.

Okay? Good night. Uh-huh.

Good night.

And the trucks. Why isn't your picture on a truck?

As a matter of fact, why isn't our picture on the truck?

Aren't we as good as Manny, Mo, and Jack?

See, I know the names of the three Pep Boys,

because their faces are on the truck.

Talk about an excellent marketing ploy, I tell you!

Jay, let's recount our day together, huh?

Okay. We drove to work together.

Mmm-hmm.

We had breakfast together. We spent the day together.

We had lunch together. We came home together.

We ate dinner together.

We spent the evening together.

Right now, don't take this wrong,

I just wanna shut up together.

Can we do that?

Mmm-hmm.

(SOFTLY) Thank you.

I know I should shut up and I'm babbling like a brook,

but I really, really think that I have this great idea about starting this website

that will increase our business by 20%...

What do you say we paint this weekend?

Yes, ma'am. Just me?

No, all the guys. We'll have a paint party.

I'll bake cookies. It'll be great.

Yes, ma'am.

Hey, what are all these things around the office?

I see them everywhere.

Just gentle reminders.

"Feet on the floor, not on the table.

"Don't be a grouch, I know that you're able."

And where's Feeney?

He's not on his route, and he's not on the dock.

I gave him a personal day off.

You what? Yes.

It's his seventh wedding anniversary.

What are you supposed to get for the seventh?

Copper, brass, or bronze?

We gotta send them something from the company.

We do send them something from the company.

Every week. It's called a paycheck.

You know, they have some beautiful brass candlesticks down at Bloomingdale's.

Do they? They sure... Yeah.

You know what? Pick those up for me, too.

Yes, ma'am, that way, when I get your baguettes,

they won't be stale.

No, no, no. We do not use trucks to run errands.

No, baby, I can fix it in the books.

It'll look like he's working.

You know what, RJ? Forget that assignment.

Your break was over five minutes ago.

Actually, I gave the guys an extra 15 minutes.

And why, pray tell?

Because I thought that it would make them more productive.

Well, you know what, Jay? They're truck drivers.

They are only productive when they're driving trucks.

Actually, boss, I'm feeling a little more tranquil.

Really? You know, they're teaching tai chi

down at the unemployment office.

Ooh, look at the time.

Jay, you cannot come in here and undermine my authority like this.

It's my authority, too.

And how is it your authority?

We're partners, remember?

Yeah. At life, in love, in bed, we're partners.

Here, this is work. We're not partners here.

Then why do we share an office?

We don't share an office.

You're trespassing in my office.

Hey, hey, you hired me, remember?

No, I didn't hire you, Jay.

I asked you to come in and help out,

because you were bored at home.

You know what? We don't even have to discuss this right now, okay?

Good, we don't.

Because we have all the ride home

and all night long to hash this out.

You crack a smile, you're working Christmas Day.

Hey, where's Junior?

He's in the yard with the telescope.

Okay, gotta talk to him.

Oh, by the way, I left you a gentle reminder on the stove.

Well, all right. You did that?

Yes, I did.

Finally getting with the program. I like that, baby.

Oh! "The kids and I are getting much thinner

"because the new accountant forgot to make dinner."

Very funny, Michael.

So what are you looking at?

Cassiopeia.

That the Wilsons' new maid?

Dad.

Can't I joke with you anymore?

Sure, just let me know when you start.

(SIGHING)

Something bugging you, Dad?

Well, not... Not bugging me per se.

But I could use a sounding board, if you would listen.

You're coming to me for advice? Oh, this is a first.

I know. My back is really against the wall here.

Look, it's... It's like this.

Your mother is working with me now, and she's driving me nuts.

Oh, Dad. Oh, you should have come to me sooner.

Sit down.

Okay.

The way I see it is, you have three choices.

A, you could suffer silently

and be miserable for the rest of your life.

Two, you can sell the business and become a tuna fisherman.

And why would I do that?

I love tuna.

Let me get right to D.

"D"?

D, fire Mom.

Wow.

Yeah, I know.

But there really are no other choices, except for A and two.

Come on, baby. Just watch the first 10 minutes.

If you don't like it after that, you can turn it off.

Is that thing in it?

Yes. The thing is in it.

Then, no.

Come on. Everybody loves E.T.

They're even putting it back in the theaters.

I don't care.

You know who's in this movie, too?

Who?

The girl from Charlie's Angels.

The cockeyed Chinese girl?

No. The one with red hair and brown roots.

Drew Barrymore.

The one who twirls and kicks?

Yeah, your favorite!

Why didn't you say so? Turn it on!

Baby, made you some tea.

Oh, thank you.

Here you go. Mmm.

You know what? This reminds me.

We should stop using those paper cups at the drivers' lounge.

On our way to work, let's stop at Pottery Barn

and pick up some nice ceramic mugs.

Okay, Jay? Yeah?

You're fired. What?

I gotta let you go.

Come again? No.

Don't come again.

Wait a minute. You're actually firing me?

Yes, but with love.

"You're fired," right?

Like what-happened- at-my-last-job fired?

Listen, Jay, this working is coming between you and I.

We're being hurt by this. I'm not doing it for me.

I'm doing it for us.

Oh! Oh, really?

Okay, well, you know what?

I sure hope "us" is gonna be happy sleeping on the couch.

All right!

All right. Fresh off the stove.

There you go, Junior. Thank you.

Nice and crunchy for you, baby girl.

Kids. Here's some for Mommy.

Don't I get a waffle?

Oh, I wasn't accounting on you eating.

Oh, come on, Jay. Don't do this to me.

Oh, don't worry, I don't have any intention

of doing anything to you anymore.

Okay, I'm going to school. Me, too.

Bye.

Wow, you're fast.

Hey, I see you and E.T. finally got acquainted.

(MIMICKING E.T.) Kady love E.T.

Baby! I told you he was special!

Now, what do you want for breakfast?

Reese's Pieces.

Oh, really?

Well, E.T., did you know if Kady eats candy for breakfast, she gets punished?

Yeah. Now you know what "E.T." stands for.

"In trouble."

Well, since there's no food here for me,

I guess I'll pick up some coffee on the way to work.

Look, Jay, this is stupid, okay?

We've been together way too long to be playing these silly little childish games.

(MUTTERING)

Well, unlock it.

(MUTTERING) I can't unlock it, 'cause you threw it out there!

I understood everything you said.

You hurt me, Michael.

Baby, I know it must hurt, and I'm sorry.

But I didn't know what else to do.

I mean, even Junior told me I should fire you.

I'm serious.

I thought I was doing great things.

I thought I was doing great things for our employees, for our business.

Baby, you are smart and you are capable,

and I am so lucky to have you as a partner.

Your partner? Does that mean you're hiring me back?

(GASPS) Yes. Listen, Jay.

I know that you've been bored staying at home. Okay?

And if you got another job, I'd probably never see you anymore.

So, hiring you back is a good compromise.

Baby, you won't regret this.

Honey, I have so many ideas, especially with marketing.

I have us going national in five years, I promise.

Okay, okay. And it all sounds wonderful, okay?

But you gotta know this, Jay.

At work, I'm the boss, okay? I'm the exalted ruler.

I'm the grand poobah.

I am the king of that entire domain, okay?

Yes, Your Highness, Your Majesty.

Thank you. Yes.

Oh, Grand Poobah? Huh?

Grab the trash on your way out.

Yes, my queen.

See you at work. Bye.

(GIGGLING)

Ooh, that maid is hot.

I love you, E.T.! Show me the magic. Let's fly!

(CRASHING) (CAT MEOWING)

KADY: (MIMICKING E.T.) Ouch.