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1
00:00:05,406 --> 00:00:08,176
Mom, do you have
an extra tam...
2
00:00:09,310 --> 00:00:11,310
Poncho?
3
00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:12,775
It's upstairs
in the drawer.
4
00:00:12,813 --> 00:00:15,283
Yeah, next to her
vag nail polish.
5
00:00:18,552 --> 00:00:21,362
Kady, I need for you
to load up
on the carbs, okay?
6
00:00:21,389 --> 00:00:24,159
You got a very big day
at soccer practice today.
7
00:00:24,192 --> 00:00:27,802
Mmm, French toast.
I like soccer.
8
00:00:27,828 --> 00:00:30,058
(CHUCKLES) Baby, I'm glad
you said that.
9
00:00:30,098 --> 00:00:33,528
Because the way you
play soccer is also the way
you should live your life.
10
00:00:33,567 --> 00:00:37,167
That's true. Michael Jordan
plays basketball
like he lives his life.
11
00:00:37,205 --> 00:00:41,205
Never quits.
Even when he quits,
he doesn't quit.
12
00:00:41,242 --> 00:00:43,382
I just want to
score once this year.
13
00:00:43,411 --> 00:00:45,081
Join the club.
14
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:48,250
Baby, don't you worry
about scoring
15
00:00:48,282 --> 00:00:51,392
because you're gonna score
a lot of goals
with Mommy as your coach,
16
00:00:51,419 --> 00:00:53,349
'cause Mommy's not gonna
let you fail, all right?
17
00:00:53,387 --> 00:00:55,157
Now, carb up.
18
00:00:55,189 --> 00:00:56,159
You're talking
about competition?
19
00:00:56,190 --> 00:00:59,830
And that's when
I check out.
See you later.
20
00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:02,330
Baby, I'm not
overly competitive,
am I?
21
00:01:02,363 --> 00:01:03,363
You?
Yeah.
22
00:01:03,397 --> 00:01:04,527
No.
23
00:01:04,565 --> 00:01:06,565
Race you to the door.
Go!
24
00:01:12,206 --> 00:01:14,776
(IMITATING JULIA CHILD)
Then you add the tomatoes,
25
00:01:14,808 --> 00:01:18,448
but make sure
that they are
organic tomatoes.
26
00:01:18,479 --> 00:01:21,649
And then, what you want to do
is put the mustard on.
27
00:01:21,682 --> 00:01:25,822
Not too much mustard,
because then it will
pour out the sides
28
00:01:25,853 --> 00:01:27,463
and you'll have to
lick your fingers
29
00:01:27,488 --> 00:01:29,858
and people will call you
a fat, fat, fatty.
30
00:01:29,890 --> 00:01:34,700
And so...
Then what you want to do
is add the mayonnaise.
31
00:01:34,728 --> 00:01:36,458
If you don't
have mayonnaise,
32
00:01:36,497 --> 00:01:40,427
what I usually do
is squeeze my thigh together
33
00:01:40,468 --> 00:01:45,368
and I'm able
to extract
34
00:01:45,406 --> 00:01:50,506
a white-like substance
which is reminiscent
of mayonnaise.
35
00:01:50,544 --> 00:01:53,614
And then
what I want to do
is add the cheese.
36
00:01:53,647 --> 00:01:58,447
Oh, I'm having a heart attack
thinking about
adding all this cheese.
37
00:01:58,486 --> 00:02:02,456
And then
the special ingredient,
which is the potato chips.
38
00:02:02,490 --> 00:02:07,360
Oh! Oh! Oh!
Now you just pop it
on the plate
39
00:02:07,395 --> 00:02:10,855
and you try
to make it downstairs,
and you eat this lovely...
40
00:02:10,898 --> 00:02:13,728
Run for your life!
41
00:02:13,767 --> 00:02:14,767
Oh, my God.
42
00:02:14,802 --> 00:02:16,472
Thanks, baby.
43
00:02:17,571 --> 00:02:20,371
Why am I eating this?
I don't want this.
44
00:02:21,442 --> 00:02:23,382
I set Kady up 50 times,
45
00:02:23,411 --> 00:02:26,381
50 times, baby.
She couldn't get the ball
into the net once.
46
00:02:26,414 --> 00:02:27,784
Well, maybe you had
a good goalie.
47
00:02:27,815 --> 00:02:29,675
There was no goalie.
48
00:02:31,785 --> 00:02:33,615
Where should I
put this stuff, Mom?
49
00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:34,864
(MOCKINGLY) "Where should I
put this stuff, Mom?
50
00:02:34,888 --> 00:02:36,218
"Where should I
put this stuff, Mom?"
51
00:02:36,224 --> 00:02:38,434
Did you de-tangle your net,
did you count
your knee guards,
52
00:02:38,459 --> 00:02:40,559
did you even
wash your balls?
53
00:02:42,463 --> 00:02:45,833
I haven't even
brushed my teeth yet.
54
00:02:45,866 --> 00:02:48,436
You've had me going non-stop
since breakfast.
55
00:02:48,469 --> 00:02:50,939
Junior, if you want
to be equipment manager,
56
00:02:50,971 --> 00:02:52,941
you're gonna have to
stop with the whining.
57
00:02:52,973 --> 00:02:55,683
I don't want to be
equipment manager.
58
00:02:55,709 --> 00:02:58,949
Unbelievable!
59
00:02:58,979 --> 00:03:04,489
Boy, I am trying to
make you a part of
my peewee soccer dynasty
60
00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:07,618
and you're just
sloughing it off
like it's nothing?
61
00:03:09,423 --> 00:03:10,663
Dad, help.
62
00:03:11,659 --> 00:03:13,729
Go hose down
your balls, Son.
63
00:03:18,699 --> 00:03:19,799
Baby, come here.
You need a hug.
64
00:03:19,833 --> 00:03:21,443
(SIGHING)
Come here. Come here.
65
00:03:21,469 --> 00:03:24,369
Oh, baby.
Hey, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
66
00:03:24,405 --> 00:03:27,875
Maybe I do have
a teeny-weeny tendency
to go a little overboard.
67
00:03:27,908 --> 00:03:30,478
And, in the
scheme of things,
68
00:03:30,511 --> 00:03:34,851
maybe my dream
of having a professional
little girls' soccer team
69
00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:36,782
is just not
that important.
70
00:03:36,817 --> 00:03:37,917
Yes, exactly.
71
00:03:37,951 --> 00:03:39,521
I'm joking!
72
00:03:48,629 --> 00:03:49,629
Where is she?
73
00:03:49,663 --> 00:03:51,573
Who? Your mother?
Yeah.
74
00:03:51,599 --> 00:03:53,369
Oh, she went out.
75
00:03:53,401 --> 00:03:56,301
Good. We need to talk.
76
00:03:56,337 --> 00:03:58,567
What's the matter?
Soccer's not fun
with your mommy coaching you?
77
00:03:58,606 --> 00:04:00,366
Dad, she goes crazy,
she blows the whistle,
78
00:04:00,408 --> 00:04:01,778
and then she yells
at everybody.
79
00:04:01,809 --> 00:04:03,509
Ask Junior.
80
00:04:03,544 --> 00:04:04,614
You mother's
a tough coach?
81
00:04:04,645 --> 00:04:06,305
She was terrible, Dad.
82
00:04:06,347 --> 00:04:08,717
She's yelling at
5-year-old girls
to drop and give her 20.
83
00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:10,649
They can't count
past three.
84
00:04:10,684 --> 00:04:13,754
Then she yelled
at this one kid so loud,
he wet himself.
85
00:04:13,787 --> 00:04:15,617
I thought it was
an all-girls team.
86
00:04:15,656 --> 00:04:17,326
I was scared.
87
00:04:19,593 --> 00:04:22,533
Hey, I'll talk
to your mother
for you, okay?
88
00:04:22,563 --> 00:04:23,863
She'll yell at you, too.
89
00:04:23,897 --> 00:04:25,497
I'm not afraid of her.
90
00:04:25,533 --> 00:04:26,903
You should be.
91
00:04:30,404 --> 00:04:31,444
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
92
00:04:31,472 --> 00:04:32,672
Get off me! Get off me!
93
00:04:33,574 --> 00:04:34,884
I won.
94
00:04:34,908 --> 00:04:36,838
I won again.
You sure did.
95
00:04:36,877 --> 00:04:39,347
Okay, let's go...
Let's go
best three out of five.
96
00:04:39,380 --> 00:04:40,510
All right.
97
00:04:40,548 --> 00:04:41,878
No, wait, wait, wait.
Whoa, whoa! Hold on.
98
00:04:41,915 --> 00:04:43,615
I need time, okay?
99
00:04:43,651 --> 00:04:45,691
Not even Michael Jordan
plays the whole 48 minutes.
100
00:04:45,719 --> 00:04:47,559
Okay. All right.
Whoo, girl.
101
00:04:47,588 --> 00:04:50,418
It'll give me a chance
to work on my playbook.
102
00:04:50,458 --> 00:04:52,688
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
103
00:04:54,428 --> 00:04:56,528
You know, Jay, I think
you're taking this
whole coaching thing
104
00:04:56,564 --> 00:04:57,734
a little
too seriously.
105
00:04:57,765 --> 00:04:59,495
I mean, it's supposed
to be fun for Kady.
106
00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:01,703
Michael, I am trying
to teach these girls
107
00:05:01,735 --> 00:05:03,635
about discipline,
teamwork, and respect.
108
00:05:03,671 --> 00:05:05,471
But that stuff
ain't fun
when you're five.
109
00:05:05,506 --> 00:05:08,436
It's not fun
when you're 45.
110
00:05:08,476 --> 00:05:10,436
Are you trying
to tell me
how to coach?
111
00:05:10,478 --> 00:05:12,408
No.
That's hilarious.
112
00:05:12,446 --> 00:05:14,776
Michael, you are funny.
You don't have a clue
how to do what I do.
113
00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:16,645
Probably not.
But you know what?
114
00:05:16,684 --> 00:05:19,494
I bet you they would have
a lot more fun
if I coached them.
115
00:05:19,520 --> 00:05:22,720
Oh, really? Oh, okay.
Well, then, here.
116
00:05:22,756 --> 00:05:26,426
Since you're
so smart, Michael,
here, take the whistle.
117
00:05:26,460 --> 00:05:27,730
I don't want
your whistle.
Uh-uh. Take it.
118
00:05:27,761 --> 00:05:30,131
I don't want
to take over
the team, Jay.
119
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:31,533
Oh, you can talk the talk...
I'm just...
120
00:05:31,565 --> 00:05:33,125
...but you can't
walk the walk, huh?
121
00:05:33,166 --> 00:05:35,796
Yeah, but I can
squawk the bock
and I can eat the chalk
122
00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:39,066
and I can
hock, hock, hock
like a little mollock bock.
123
00:05:41,609 --> 00:05:42,739
You're making fun of me?
124
00:05:42,776 --> 00:05:45,006
Just like Peter Falk.
125
00:05:45,045 --> 00:05:46,575
You're making fun of me.
126
00:05:46,614 --> 00:05:47,724
I want you to see
how ridiculous
you're being.
127
00:05:47,748 --> 00:05:48,818
(SIGHING)
128
00:05:48,849 --> 00:05:50,619
I mean,
you're hard
on them.
129
00:05:50,651 --> 00:05:52,121
I'm starting
to get concerned
for those kids.
130
00:05:52,152 --> 00:05:53,722
Oh, boo-hoo, boo-hoo,
the poor kids.
131
00:05:53,754 --> 00:05:57,664
I didn't know
I was married
to Sally Struthers.
132
00:05:57,691 --> 00:05:59,091
You know what,
give me this whistle.
133
00:05:59,126 --> 00:06:00,186
Good, fine, yeah.
You want me to take over?
134
00:06:00,227 --> 00:06:01,827
Yeah. Take over.
I'm gonna
take over coaching.
135
00:06:01,862 --> 00:06:03,102
You do that.
136
00:06:03,130 --> 00:06:04,470
And you know what?
137
00:06:04,498 --> 00:06:05,828
What?
It's time.
138
00:06:05,866 --> 00:06:08,466
Race you to
the backdoor. Let's go.
All right!
139
00:06:11,805 --> 00:06:13,065
I won again.
140
00:06:13,106 --> 00:06:15,576
Good. Could you
make me a sandwich?
141
00:06:17,545 --> 00:06:20,805
(IMITATING PATTON) I just
want to say that no one's
ever won a game of soccer
142
00:06:20,848 --> 00:06:22,978
by dying for his team.
143
00:06:23,016 --> 00:06:24,586
You win a game of soccer
144
00:06:24,618 --> 00:06:26,018
by making some other
poor dumb
145
00:06:26,053 --> 00:06:28,493
(SIREN WAILS)
die for his team.
146
00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:32,194
You guys never saw
Patton, huh?
147
00:06:32,225 --> 00:06:35,455
Oh, I saw it.
That's just not
a very good impression.
148
00:06:36,630 --> 00:06:39,670
All right. Well, listen.
You know,
forget the impressions.
149
00:06:39,700 --> 00:06:44,200
Let us learn today
the basic rules
of the game of soccer.
150
00:06:44,237 --> 00:06:46,207
And rule number one,
151
00:06:46,239 --> 00:06:49,579
always get
a firm grip on the ball.
152
00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:52,054
Yes, Melissa.
153
00:06:52,079 --> 00:06:53,709
In soccer,
154
00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:57,487
you are not allowed
to touch the ball
with your hands.
155
00:06:57,518 --> 00:06:58,788
(MOCKINGLY) "In soccer,
you are not
156
00:06:58,819 --> 00:07:00,119
"allowed to touch the ball
with your hands."
157
00:07:00,153 --> 00:07:01,793
Well, let's look into
the soccer rule book
158
00:07:01,822 --> 00:07:04,492
and see if, in fact,
that is true.
159
00:07:04,525 --> 00:07:08,625
Yeah, rule number one,
"Don't touch the ball
with your hands."
160
00:07:08,662 --> 00:07:10,632
Very good, Melissa.
You passed my test.
161
00:07:10,664 --> 00:07:12,534
And the rest of you
should've known that.
162
00:07:12,566 --> 00:07:15,566
You're not allowed
to touch the ball
with your hands.
163
00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:18,771
Well, you know what?
164
00:07:18,806 --> 00:07:21,506
Let's forget
the rules for right now.
165
00:07:21,509 --> 00:07:26,149
I want us to concentrate
on the fundamentals
of the game, okay?
166
00:07:26,179 --> 00:07:30,119
And you can't
have fundamentals
without having fun.
167
00:07:30,150 --> 00:07:33,020
Or damentals
for that matter.
168
00:07:34,755 --> 00:07:36,115
Yes?
169
00:07:36,156 --> 00:07:38,226
What are "damentals"?
170
00:07:38,258 --> 00:07:40,658
Well, it looks like
little Miss Harriet Potter
171
00:07:40,694 --> 00:07:43,964
doesn't quite
know everything, does she?
172
00:07:43,997 --> 00:07:47,027
"Damentals,"
my little genius,
173
00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:49,737
are the things
that go on
inside of your brain
174
00:07:49,770 --> 00:07:51,570
that prevent you
from having fun
175
00:07:51,605 --> 00:07:53,235
while you're playing
a game of soccer.
176
00:07:53,273 --> 00:07:56,983
See, damentals tell you,
"You're not fast enough
to play the game,
177
00:07:57,010 --> 00:08:00,650
"you're not strong enough,
you're not smart enough
to play the game of soccer."
178
00:08:00,681 --> 00:08:04,791
That's why
we have to make
damentals fun.
179
00:08:06,053 --> 00:08:08,793
Hence, the fundamentals.
180
00:08:09,657 --> 00:08:11,857
You got it?
181
00:08:11,892 --> 00:08:13,892
ALL: Yes!
182
00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:16,197
Then let's go
play some soccer!
183
00:08:16,229 --> 00:08:17,899
(ALL CHEERING)
184
00:08:18,832 --> 00:08:20,202
(CHATTERING)
185
00:08:30,343 --> 00:08:32,013
(ALL EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)
186
00:08:36,216 --> 00:08:37,586
Great!
187
00:08:39,286 --> 00:08:40,286
(EXCLAIMS)
188
00:08:43,123 --> 00:08:44,863
Come on, champ.
189
00:08:45,826 --> 00:08:47,186
You did great.
190
00:08:47,227 --> 00:08:49,997
That was the best day.
That was so much fun.
191
00:08:50,030 --> 00:08:56,840
You mean
it was fundamental,
don't you?
192
00:08:56,870 --> 00:08:59,610
I'm glad
you're our coach
now, Daddy.
193
00:08:59,607 --> 00:09:01,837
I love soccer.
194
00:09:01,875 --> 00:09:04,945
Well, I'm glad
'cause I love you.
195
00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:08,248
Looks like you have
a really big fan
on your hands.
196
00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:11,851
Oh, well, she's just trying
to cover up all her pain
of losing you as the coach
197
00:09:11,885 --> 00:09:15,015
with all that
love the soccer stuff.
198
00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:17,185
You don't have to
sugarcoat it
for me, Michael.
199
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:19,294
The team
likes you better,
it's okay.
200
00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:21,256
No. Baby, listen.
201
00:09:21,294 --> 00:09:24,034
Those girls love you.
I could never replace you.
202
00:09:24,064 --> 00:09:26,374
I just think maybe
my coaching technique's
203
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:29,139
a little more suited
to, you know,
5-year-olds.
204
00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:30,839
You're probably right.
205
00:09:30,871 --> 00:09:34,011
But just out of curiosity,
what plays did you go over?
206
00:09:34,041 --> 00:09:35,981
Oh, we didn't go over
plays, per se,
207
00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:39,209
we just kind of went out
there and we fooled around,
you know.
208
00:09:39,246 --> 00:09:40,846
What the hell
are you doing
to my team?
209
00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:44,249
You asked me
to coach them.
210
00:09:44,284 --> 00:09:47,354
They were running around
there today like chickens
with their heads cut off.
211
00:09:47,387 --> 00:09:48,917
You were spying on us?
212
00:09:48,956 --> 00:09:50,156
I thought that tree
had a nice ass.
213
00:09:50,190 --> 00:09:51,290
Yes.
214
00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:55,326
That was me.
That was me.
215
00:09:55,362 --> 00:09:57,332
And you were
pathetic, Michael.
216
00:09:57,364 --> 00:10:00,734
Teaching them
how to kick with your
little sissy dance.
217
00:10:00,768 --> 00:10:04,068
What was that?
What was...
What was that, Michael?
218
00:10:04,104 --> 00:10:05,214
And you know what?
219
00:10:05,238 --> 00:10:07,068
Don't think
I didn't see my picture
in that net.
220
00:10:07,107 --> 00:10:09,037
I saw my picture
in that net.
221
00:10:09,076 --> 00:10:12,806
Look, Jay, I think
it's way too early
222
00:10:12,846 --> 00:10:15,046
for you to be criticizing
my coaching methods.
223
00:10:15,082 --> 00:10:16,822
What coaching methods?
224
00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:19,190
There were no...
You didn't even
blow your whistle.
225
00:10:19,219 --> 00:10:23,889
How do you expect them
to shut up if you don't
blow your whistle?
226
00:10:23,924 --> 00:10:26,864
Listen, we are talking
about little girls.
227
00:10:26,894 --> 00:10:30,234
This is only about them
having fun,
not about winning.
228
00:10:30,263 --> 00:10:34,003
Oh. Oh, I get it.
229
00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:37,944
That is the most
sexist thing
I have ever heard.
230
00:10:37,971 --> 00:10:43,141
And how did that become
the most sexist thing
you ever heard?
231
00:10:43,176 --> 00:10:45,876
If this was a boys' team,
it'd be all about winning.
232
00:10:45,913 --> 00:10:48,983
Okay, maybe I want them
to win a game or so,
233
00:10:49,016 --> 00:10:51,716
but I'm not gonna
beat 'em up and berate them
like you do.
234
00:10:51,752 --> 00:10:52,892
Are you calling me
a lousy coach?
235
00:10:52,920 --> 00:10:54,090
No, what I'm saying is...
236
00:10:54,121 --> 00:10:56,091
It's bad enough
that I lose my job,
237
00:10:56,123 --> 00:10:58,193
but now to find out
that the man I love
238
00:10:58,225 --> 00:11:01,255
doesn't even think that
I have what it takes to coach
a little girls' soccer team?
239
00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:03,134
You know what?
That's way too much.
240
00:11:03,163 --> 00:11:04,873
(SIGHS) Oh, this
ain't over yet.
241
00:11:04,898 --> 00:11:07,768
Oh, this ain't
over, Michael.
242
00:11:07,801 --> 00:11:09,771
Let me tell you this,
243
00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:11,103
all the love that
they have for you
244
00:11:11,138 --> 00:11:12,768
is gonna go
straight into the crapper
245
00:11:12,806 --> 00:11:14,876
the minute you lose
your first game.
You mark my words.
246
00:11:14,908 --> 00:11:18,078
Well, we're not gonna
lose the first game,
we're gonna win.
247
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:19,811
That's right.
248
00:11:20,313 --> 00:11:21,823
I hope.
249
00:11:22,149 --> 00:11:23,249
I think.
250
00:11:24,785 --> 00:11:26,145
I'll pray for rain.
251
00:11:33,894 --> 00:11:36,864
Come on, ladies.
Let's keep up
the team spirit.
252
00:11:36,897 --> 00:11:40,297
I mean, even though we lost,
it wasn't that bad.
253
00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:43,773
I don't know,
18-to-nothing
is pretty bad.
254
00:11:45,005 --> 00:11:46,265
Well, you gotta
keep in mind
255
00:11:46,306 --> 00:11:50,276
that we scored
12 of their points
for them.
256
00:11:50,310 --> 00:11:53,150
I'd be happy
if I could score
just one goal.
257
00:11:53,180 --> 00:11:54,880
Well, that could
very well happen.
258
00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:56,175
We just need
a little more practice.
259
00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:59,186
And we need
a little more heart,
little more determination.
260
00:11:59,219 --> 00:12:01,519
And you know
what we really need
to get back to?
261
00:12:01,554 --> 00:12:06,064
If he says "fundamentals"
one more time,
I'm going to shoot myself.
262
00:12:06,093 --> 00:12:09,963
Hey, you guys,
how did it go?
263
00:12:09,997 --> 00:12:13,097
It was great.
We came in second.
264
00:12:13,133 --> 00:12:14,873
Second?
Mmm-hmm.
265
00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:17,072
Oh, okay.
Well, as long as
you had fun.
266
00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:24,539
Melissa,
did you have fun
losing 18-to-zip?
267
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:27,507
What the hell
do you think?
268
00:12:27,547 --> 00:12:30,947
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Language, Melissa.
269
00:12:30,984 --> 00:12:33,824
Well, I am pretty PO.
270
00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:37,564
Hey, now Mr. Kyle is right.
You have to
watch your language.
271
00:12:37,590 --> 00:12:40,990
See, that's what
I'm gonna be teaching
my new kids on my new team.
272
00:12:41,028 --> 00:12:42,028
You have a new team?
273
00:12:42,062 --> 00:12:43,202
Oh, I didn't tell you?
274
00:12:43,230 --> 00:12:45,130
Oh.
275
00:12:45,165 --> 00:12:47,125
You know what,
the league
called me today.
276
00:12:47,167 --> 00:12:50,537
And, apparently,
one of the coaches
of the other teams
277
00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:52,470
got into a little
skiing accident
278
00:12:52,505 --> 00:12:54,975
and they asked me
to take over
the Blue Jays.
279
00:12:55,008 --> 00:12:56,478
(ALL GASPING)
280
00:12:58,846 --> 00:13:00,006
Why are we scared?
281
00:13:00,047 --> 00:13:01,447
We can't win.
282
00:13:01,481 --> 00:13:03,921
Because the Blue Jays
are mean
and nasty and huge.
283
00:13:03,951 --> 00:13:06,121
And one of them
looks like she shaves.
284
00:13:06,153 --> 00:13:08,023
Well, I mean,
it can't be that bad, huh?
285
00:13:08,055 --> 00:13:11,925
See for yourself, baby,
because we're gonna be
playing you next week.
286
00:13:11,959 --> 00:13:13,489
Jay, why did you
do this?
287
00:13:13,526 --> 00:13:15,956
Because I thought
it would be fun.
288
00:13:24,037 --> 00:13:26,607
Oh, Claire, you've seen
your father's
practice, right?
289
00:13:26,639 --> 00:13:27,979
What plays
are they using?
290
00:13:28,008 --> 00:13:29,938
They don't have plays.
291
00:13:29,977 --> 00:13:32,947
They just eat candy
and run around in circles
until they get dizzy.
292
00:13:32,980 --> 00:13:35,880
Come on, Claire,
don't lie to me.
You gotta know something.
293
00:13:39,052 --> 00:13:40,122
Dad, she's crazy!
294
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:43,893
Stop torturing the girl.
She doesn't know anything.
295
00:13:43,891 --> 00:13:49,001
Oh, could it be that somebody
is a little frightened about
the big game on Saturday?
296
00:13:50,630 --> 00:13:53,570
You're the only one
thinking about the big game.
297
00:13:53,600 --> 00:13:57,540
And this is not a big game,
it's actually as small a game
as a game can get.
298
00:13:57,570 --> 00:13:59,570
Waving
the white flag already.
299
00:13:59,606 --> 00:14:01,936
Well, actually,
I think we have a chance.
300
00:14:01,975 --> 00:14:03,235
(LAUGHING)
301
00:14:03,276 --> 00:14:05,246
You do, now?
302
00:14:05,278 --> 00:14:07,918
That's right. That's right.
Kady looked pretty damn good
out there today.
303
00:14:07,948 --> 00:14:08,918
What, Kady?
304
00:14:08,949 --> 00:14:12,019
I'm shaking in my boots
about big, bad Kady.
305
00:14:14,587 --> 00:14:15,617
I give up.
306
00:14:15,655 --> 00:14:19,025
That's a good slogan
for your team, "I give up."
307
00:14:24,531 --> 00:14:26,971
Jay, how did you get
so competitive?
308
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:28,340
There's a long story
behind it.
309
00:14:28,368 --> 00:14:30,338
Okay, never mind.
310
00:14:30,370 --> 00:14:33,940
No. No, baby.
I will feel much better
if I told you the story.
311
00:14:33,974 --> 00:14:35,684
Really? I'm sure I won't,
but go ahead.
312
00:14:35,708 --> 00:14:37,408
Stop kidding.
All right.
313
00:14:37,444 --> 00:14:39,114
Well, you may not
believe this,
314
00:14:39,146 --> 00:14:40,976
but there was
a time in my life
315
00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:44,054
when I was
what might be considered
a big girl.
316
00:14:44,084 --> 00:14:46,054
(CLEARS THROAT)
317
00:14:46,086 --> 00:14:47,416
Really?
Mmm-hmm.
318
00:14:49,722 --> 00:14:51,092
Yes.
319
00:14:51,124 --> 00:14:56,064
Now, at that time,
I was seven years old,
about 3'2" and 106 pounds.
320
00:14:57,730 --> 00:14:59,300
No comment.
Good.
321
00:15:01,468 --> 00:15:03,338
My dad,
the Marine sergeant,
322
00:15:03,370 --> 00:15:05,340
thought it would
be a good idea
if I got some exercise.
323
00:15:05,372 --> 00:15:08,342
So, he signed me up
to the little girls'
soccer team.
324
00:15:08,375 --> 00:15:10,075
To play what?
The goalie?
325
00:15:10,110 --> 00:15:13,280
Yes. They actually
called me "The Wall."
326
00:15:13,313 --> 00:15:15,423
The Wall.
Nothing could
get by me, baby.
327
00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:17,378
I mean, I finally
felt like somebody.
328
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,187
And the kids weren't
teasing me singing,
329
00:15:19,219 --> 00:15:20,419
(IN SINGSONG VOICE)
"Fat, fat water rat,
330
00:15:20,453 --> 00:15:23,223
"go and scratch
your hairy back."
331
00:15:23,256 --> 00:15:28,126
I can't tell you
what a turnoff
this story is.
332
00:15:28,161 --> 00:15:30,061
Anyway, I was hot...
333
00:15:30,097 --> 00:15:31,257
Nothing could
get by me.
334
00:15:31,298 --> 00:15:32,128
I became popular.
335
00:15:32,165 --> 00:15:34,065
But then, in the middle
of the season
336
00:15:34,101 --> 00:15:36,201
Coach Gonzales
replaces me
337
00:15:36,236 --> 00:15:37,736
with Patty Martin!
338
00:15:37,770 --> 00:15:40,540
This skinny little,
whiney little twerp
339
00:15:40,573 --> 00:15:43,613
because he wanted
to give her a chance
to play.
340
00:15:43,643 --> 00:15:45,683
Oh yeah,
throw in the asthmatic!
341
00:15:45,712 --> 00:15:47,252
Just throw in
the asthmatic!
342
00:15:48,448 --> 00:15:51,248
Needless to say
we were back to losing
343
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:53,024
and not long
after that
344
00:15:53,020 --> 00:15:54,190
the kids were
back to calling me
345
00:15:54,221 --> 00:15:55,591
"Fat, fat,
water rat!
346
00:15:55,622 --> 00:15:57,192
Go and scratch
your hairy back.
347
00:15:57,224 --> 00:15:58,534
Skinny legs
and smelly crack!
348
00:15:58,558 --> 00:16:00,258
You look like
a quarterback.
349
00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:05,225
I hope you're not
planning on having sex tonight.
350
00:16:08,601 --> 00:16:10,601
All right, girls,
we ready to have
some fun out here?
351
00:16:10,637 --> 00:16:12,337
ALL: Yeah!
352
00:16:12,372 --> 00:16:14,612
Okay. Remember,
I want you to
keep that energy up.
353
00:16:14,641 --> 00:16:16,611
And how do we keep
our energy up?
354
00:16:16,643 --> 00:16:18,653
Two words,
"Pixie Stix."
355
00:16:18,678 --> 00:16:21,278
ALL: Yeah!
356
00:16:21,314 --> 00:16:23,584
All right, here.
I want you to take some
and pass the rest.
357
00:16:23,616 --> 00:16:25,386
Everybody get some.
358
00:16:25,418 --> 00:16:27,518
Now, Melissa, remember,
you're our goalie.
359
00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:30,224
You gotta keeps your eyes
on the ball at all times.
360
00:16:30,257 --> 00:16:32,487
Just pretend that the ball
is Justin Timberlake.
361
00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:35,555
(IN SINGSONG VOICE)
Melissa likes boys.
Melissa likes boys.
362
00:16:35,595 --> 00:16:37,195
I like boys.
363
00:16:37,230 --> 00:16:38,570
But I don't
just like boys.
364
00:16:38,598 --> 00:16:42,138
I like flowers.
I like puppies.
I like science.
365
00:16:42,169 --> 00:16:44,639
I like math.
I like these!
366
00:16:44,671 --> 00:16:46,571
Okay, okay.
Melissa, no, no, no.
Calm down.
367
00:16:46,606 --> 00:16:48,336
Give me more!
No more. No more.
You're cut off.
368
00:16:48,375 --> 00:16:49,505
You're cut off.
No more of these.
369
00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:51,482
All right. Look.
370
00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:54,381
I want you guys to know
that no matter
what happens out there today,
371
00:16:54,414 --> 00:16:57,584
I believe in you, okay?
And I'm proud
to be your coach.
372
00:16:57,617 --> 00:16:59,287
And there's not
a team in the world
373
00:16:59,319 --> 00:17:00,719
that we should be
afraid to play.
374
00:17:00,753 --> 00:17:02,293
Oh, yeah?
375
00:17:03,223 --> 00:17:04,293
Look.
376
00:17:05,158 --> 00:17:07,458
Oh, my God.
377
00:17:14,201 --> 00:17:16,201
Blue Jays and I
would like to wish you
good luck.
378
00:17:16,236 --> 00:17:18,506
May the better team win.
Wish them luck, Blue Jays.
379
00:17:18,538 --> 00:17:20,138
ALL: Good luck!
380
00:17:20,173 --> 00:17:22,443
Wait a minute.
Are you sure
these are all girls?
381
00:17:22,475 --> 00:17:24,375
Of course
they are girls, Michael.
382
00:17:24,411 --> 00:17:25,681
All of them?
383
00:17:26,579 --> 00:17:28,119
What about...
384
00:17:28,148 --> 00:17:29,318
(SNIFFING)
385
00:17:29,349 --> 00:17:30,579
...this one?
386
00:17:30,617 --> 00:17:32,187
Oh, Inga?
387
00:17:32,219 --> 00:17:33,519
That's our secret weapon.
388
00:17:33,553 --> 00:17:38,163
She's from East Germany.
Raised under a power line.
389
00:17:38,191 --> 00:17:41,391
Still don't explain why
she look like
she's wearing a cup.
390
00:17:41,428 --> 00:17:44,528
Do you want to chat
or would you like
to play some soccer?
391
00:17:45,665 --> 00:17:47,465
(ALL CHEERING)
392
00:17:53,606 --> 00:17:55,476
(SPECTATORS CHEERING)
393
00:18:01,548 --> 00:18:03,148
Yes!
394
00:18:03,150 --> 00:18:04,550
(WHISTLE BLOWING)
395
00:18:05,452 --> 00:18:07,252
(ALL CHEERING)
396
00:18:11,224 --> 00:18:13,434
Defense!
Block the...
Block the ball.
397
00:18:13,460 --> 00:18:15,660
(SPECTATORS CHEERING)
398
00:18:15,695 --> 00:18:17,295
(WHOOPING)
399
00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:23,341
(WHOOPING)
Get up!
400
00:18:24,537 --> 00:18:26,307
(ALL SCREAMING)
401
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:30,410
Inga! Inga! Inga!
402
00:18:31,611 --> 00:18:33,281
Yes!
403
00:18:33,313 --> 00:18:34,713
It's all right.
It's all right.
We're still in the game.
404
00:18:34,747 --> 00:18:36,617
We're still in the game.
Come on. Get up. Get up.
Whoo!
405
00:18:36,649 --> 00:18:39,219
Thirteen-to-nothing
with 15 seconds left.
406
00:18:39,252 --> 00:18:40,452
I could let you
forfeit the game, baby.
407
00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:42,487
No, no. That's all right.
My girls are having fun
out here.
408
00:18:42,522 --> 00:18:45,532
Okay. Don't say
I didn't give you
the chance.
409
00:18:45,558 --> 00:18:47,628
(SPECTATORS CHEERING)
410
00:18:47,660 --> 00:18:49,600
Kick to me!
Kick to me!
411
00:18:49,629 --> 00:18:51,499
That's it.
Kick! Kick!
412
00:19:00,373 --> 00:19:03,643
Oh, no! God!
She did it!
She made a goal!
413
00:19:12,419 --> 00:19:14,319
(ALL CHEERING)
414
00:19:26,333 --> 00:19:27,833
There you go.
415
00:19:27,867 --> 00:19:33,237
Mmm. Well, I see that
the Blue Jays are celebrating
their victory dinner, huh?
416
00:19:33,273 --> 00:19:37,443
Why don't we be a good sport
and say congratulations to
the Blue Jays, huh, Robins?
417
00:19:37,477 --> 00:19:40,907
ALL: Congratulations,
Blue Jays.
418
00:19:40,947 --> 00:19:44,447
Well, actually, we are not
celebrating our victory.
419
00:19:44,484 --> 00:19:46,294
Then what are you
celebrating?
420
00:19:46,319 --> 00:19:49,289
We're celebrating
my retirement
from coaching.
421
00:19:49,322 --> 00:19:50,862
(ALL CHEERING)
422
00:19:52,024 --> 00:19:53,964
Oh, no. Don't go.
Inga, don't.
423
00:19:55,895 --> 00:19:58,395
Inga!
Inga, stop that.
(SOBBING) No!
424
00:19:58,431 --> 00:20:00,331
Inga, it's all right.
It's all right, girl.
Sit down.
425
00:20:00,367 --> 00:20:02,637
I need you.
I understand.
Sit down.
426
00:20:05,638 --> 00:20:09,408
Oh, I'm sorry.
I've been acting
ridiculously.
427
00:20:09,442 --> 00:20:10,812
Will you forgive me?
428
00:20:10,843 --> 00:20:12,553
Of course
I forgive you.
429
00:20:12,579 --> 00:20:14,349
But why
this sudden change
of heart?
430
00:20:14,381 --> 00:20:16,551
It made me realize
what I had been missing
all these years.
431
00:20:16,583 --> 00:20:18,353
What, medication?
432
00:20:18,918 --> 00:20:20,518
No. Fun.
433
00:20:21,354 --> 00:20:22,494
Good for you.
434
00:20:22,522 --> 00:20:24,322
She was great,
wasn't she?
435
00:20:24,357 --> 00:20:28,327
Yes. Come here, baby.
That was a great goal.
I was so proud of you.
436
00:20:28,361 --> 00:20:29,361
Thank you, Mommy.
437
00:20:29,396 --> 00:20:30,526
Hey, let's get
the kids some drinks.
438
00:20:30,563 --> 00:20:32,803
No, no, no.
You stay here.
I'll get it.
439
00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:34,832
Okay. Bring Inga a beer.
440
00:20:37,670 --> 00:20:39,640
Baby.
Yeah?
441
00:20:39,672 --> 00:20:42,342
Glad you're finally able
to let this
whole winning thing go.
442
00:20:42,375 --> 00:20:44,475
Me, too.
It's a real relief.
443
00:20:45,578 --> 00:20:47,848
13-to-1, suckers.
444
00:20:51,851 --> 00:20:53,921
Kady voted for me.
445
00:20:53,953 --> 00:20:57,063
Well, actually,
it wasn't Kady.
It was Consuela...
446
00:20:57,089 --> 00:20:58,489
Consuel...
447
00:20:59,492 --> 00:21:00,932
(MAN LAUGHING)
448
00:21:00,960 --> 00:21:04,900
Well, actually,
it wasn't Kady.
It was Cons... Cons...
449
00:21:04,931 --> 00:21:08,001
It wasn't Kady.
It was Maria Consuela.
450
00:21:12,572 --> 00:21:14,342
What's her name?
451
00:21:14,374 --> 00:21:15,514
WOMAN: Maria Martina.
452
00:21:15,542 --> 00:21:17,482
Martina. Maria Martina.
453
00:21:17,510 --> 00:21:18,880
Well, actually,
it wasn't Kady.
454
00:21:18,911 --> 00:21:20,851
It was Martina Martola...
455
00:21:24,417 --> 00:21:25,847
Maria Martina.
32721
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