Original subtitles

Mom, do you have an extra tam...

Poncho?

It's upstairs in the drawer.

Yeah, next to her vag nail polish.

Kady, I need for you to load up on the carbs, okay?

You got a very big day at soccer practice today.

Mmm, French toast. I like soccer.

(CHUCKLES) Baby, I'm glad you said that.

Because the way you play soccer is also the way you should live your life.

That's true. Michael Jordan plays basketball like he lives his life.

Never quits. Even when he quits, he doesn't quit.

I just want to score once this year.

Join the club.

Baby, don't you worry about scoring

because you're gonna score a lot of goals with Mommy as your coach,

'cause Mommy's not gonna let you fail, all right?

Now, carb up.

You're talking about competition?

And that's when I check out. See you later.

Baby, I'm not overly competitive, am I?

You? Yeah.

No.

Race you to the door. Go!

(IMITATING JULIA CHILD) Then you add the tomatoes,

but make sure that they are organic tomatoes.

And then, what you want to do is put the mustard on.

Not too much mustard, because then it will pour out the sides

and you'll have to lick your fingers

and people will call you a fat, fat, fatty.

And so... Then what you want to do is add the mayonnaise.

If you don't have mayonnaise,

what I usually do is squeeze my thigh together

and I'm able to extract

a white-like substance which is reminiscent of mayonnaise.

And then what I want to do is add the cheese.

Oh, I'm having a heart attack thinking about adding all this cheese.

And then the special ingredient, which is the potato chips.

Oh! Oh! Oh! Now you just pop it on the plate

and you try to make it downstairs, and you eat this lovely...

Run for your life!

Oh, my God.

Thanks, baby.

Why am I eating this? I don't want this.

I set Kady up 50 times,

50 times, baby. She couldn't get the ball into the net once.

Well, maybe you had a good goalie.

There was no goalie.

Where should I put this stuff, Mom?

(MOCKINGLY) "Where should I put this stuff, Mom?

"Where should I put this stuff, Mom?"

Did you de-tangle your net, did you count your knee guards,

did you even wash your balls?

I haven't even brushed my teeth yet.

You've had me going non-stop since breakfast.

Junior, if you want to be equipment manager,

you're gonna have to stop with the whining.

I don't want to be equipment manager.

Unbelievable!

Boy, I am trying to make you a part of my peewee soccer dynasty

and you're just sloughing it off like it's nothing?

Dad, help.

Go hose down your balls, Son.

Baby, come here. You need a hug.

(SIGHING) Come here. Come here.

Oh, baby. Hey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Maybe I do have a teeny-weeny tendency to go a little overboard.

And, in the scheme of things,

maybe my dream of having a professional little girls' soccer team

is just not that important.

Yes, exactly.

I'm joking!

Where is she?

Who? Your mother? Yeah.

Oh, she went out.

Good. We need to talk.

What's the matter? Soccer's not fun with your mommy coaching you?

Dad, she goes crazy, she blows the whistle,

and then she yells at everybody.

Ask Junior.

You mother's a tough coach?

She was terrible, Dad.

She's yelling at 5-year-old girls to drop and give her 20.

They can't count past three.

Then she yelled at this one kid so loud, he wet himself.

I thought it was an all-girls team.

I was scared.

Hey, I'll talk to your mother for you, okay?

She'll yell at you, too.

I'm not afraid of her.

You should be.

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

Get off me! Get off me!

I won.

I won again. You sure did.

Okay, let's go... Let's go best three out of five.

All right.

No, wait, wait, wait. Whoa, whoa! Hold on.

I need time, okay?

Not even Michael Jordan plays the whole 48 minutes.

Okay. All right. Whoo, girl.

It'll give me a chance to work on my playbook.

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

You know, Jay, I think you're taking this whole coaching thing

a little too seriously.

I mean, it's supposed to be fun for Kady.

Michael, I am trying to teach these girls

about discipline, teamwork, and respect.

But that stuff ain't fun when you're five.

It's not fun when you're 45.

Are you trying to tell me how to coach?

No. That's hilarious.

Michael, you are funny. You don't have a clue how to do what I do.

Probably not. But you know what?

I bet you they would have a lot more fun if I coached them.

Oh, really? Oh, okay. Well, then, here.

Since you're so smart, Michael, here, take the whistle.

I don't want your whistle. Uh-uh. Take it.

I don't want to take over the team, Jay.

Oh, you can talk the talk... I'm just...

...but you can't walk the walk, huh?

Yeah, but I can squawk the bock and I can eat the chalk

and I can hock, hock, hock like a little mollock bock.

You're making fun of me?

Just like Peter Falk.

You're making fun of me.

I want you to see how ridiculous you're being.

(SIGHING)

I mean, you're hard on them.

I'm starting to get concerned for those kids.

Oh, boo-hoo, boo-hoo, the poor kids.

I didn't know I was married to Sally Struthers.

You know what, give me this whistle.

Good, fine, yeah. You want me to take over?

Yeah. Take over. I'm gonna take over coaching.

You do that.

And you know what?

What? It's time.

Race you to the backdoor. Let's go. All right!

I won again.

Good. Could you make me a sandwich?

(IMITATING PATTON) I just want to say that no one's ever won a game of soccer

by dying for his team.

You win a game of soccer

by making some other poor dumb

(SIREN WAILS) die for his team.

You guys never saw Patton, huh?

Oh, I saw it. That's just not a very good impression.

All right. Well, listen. You know, forget the impressions.

Let us learn today the basic rules of the game of soccer.

And rule number one,

always get a firm grip on the ball.

Yes, Melissa.

In soccer,

you are not allowed to touch the ball with your hands.

(MOCKINGLY) "In soccer, you are not

"allowed to touch the ball with your hands."

Well, let's look into the soccer rule book

and see if, in fact, that is true.

Yeah, rule number one, "Don't touch the ball with your hands."

Very good, Melissa. You passed my test.

And the rest of you should've known that.

You're not allowed to touch the ball with your hands.

Well, you know what?

Let's forget the rules for right now.

I want us to concentrate on the fundamentals of the game, okay?

And you can't have fundamentals without having fun.

Or damentals for that matter.

Yes?

What are "damentals"?

Well, it looks like little Miss Harriet Potter

doesn't quite know everything, does she?

"Damentals," my little genius,

are the things that go on inside of your brain

that prevent you from having fun

while you're playing a game of soccer.

See, damentals tell you, "You're not fast enough to play the game,

"you're not strong enough, you're not smart enough to play the game of soccer."

That's why we have to make damentals fun.

Hence, the fundamentals.

You got it?

ALL: Yes!

Then let's go play some soccer!

(ALL CHEERING)

(CHATTERING)

(ALL EXCLAIMING IN PAIN)

Great!

(EXCLAIMS)

Come on, champ.

You did great.

That was the best day. That was so much fun.

You mean it was fundamental, don't you?

I'm glad you're our coach now, Daddy.

I love soccer.

Well, I'm glad 'cause I love you.

Looks like you have a really big fan on your hands.

Oh, well, she's just trying to cover up all her pain of losing you as the coach

with all that love the soccer stuff.

You don't have to sugarcoat it for me, Michael.

The team likes you better, it's okay.

No. Baby, listen.

Those girls love you. I could never replace you.

I just think maybe my coaching technique's

a little more suited to, you know, 5-year-olds.

You're probably right.

But just out of curiosity, what plays did you go over?

Oh, we didn't go over plays, per se,

we just kind of went out there and we fooled around, you know.

What the hell are you doing to my team?

You asked me to coach them.

They were running around there today like chickens with their heads cut off.

You were spying on us?

I thought that tree had a nice ass.

Yes.

That was me. That was me.

And you were pathetic, Michael.

Teaching them how to kick with your little sissy dance.

What was that? What was... What was that, Michael?

And you know what?

Don't think I didn't see my picture in that net.

I saw my picture in that net.

Look, Jay, I think it's way too early

for you to be criticizing my coaching methods.

What coaching methods?

There were no... You didn't even blow your whistle.

How do you expect them to shut up if you don't blow your whistle?

Listen, we are talking about little girls.

This is only about them having fun, not about winning.

Oh. Oh, I get it.

That is the most sexist thing I have ever heard.

And how did that become the most sexist thing you ever heard?

If this was a boys' team, it'd be all about winning.

Okay, maybe I want them to win a game or so,

but I'm not gonna beat 'em up and berate them like you do.

Are you calling me a lousy coach?

No, what I'm saying is...

It's bad enough that I lose my job,

but now to find out that the man I love

doesn't even think that I have what it takes to coach a little girls' soccer team?

You know what? That's way too much.

(SIGHS) Oh, this ain't over yet.

Oh, this ain't over, Michael.

Let me tell you this,

all the love that they have for you

is gonna go straight into the crapper

the minute you lose your first game. You mark my words.

Well, we're not gonna lose the first game, we're gonna win.

That's right.

I hope.

I think.

I'll pray for rain.

Come on, ladies. Let's keep up the team spirit.

I mean, even though we lost, it wasn't that bad.

I don't know, 18-to-nothing is pretty bad.

Well, you gotta keep in mind

that we scored 12 of their points for them.

I'd be happy if I could score just one goal.

Well, that could very well happen.

We just need a little more practice.

And we need a little more heart, little more determination.

And you know what we really need to get back to?

If he says "fundamentals" one more time, I'm going to shoot myself.

Hey, you guys, how did it go?

It was great. We came in second.

Second? Mmm-hmm.

Oh, okay. Well, as long as you had fun.

Melissa, did you have fun losing 18-to-zip?

What the hell do you think?

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Language, Melissa.

Well, I am pretty PO.

Hey, now Mr. Kyle is right. You have to watch your language.

See, that's what I'm gonna be teaching my new kids on my new team.

You have a new team?

Oh, I didn't tell you?

Oh.

You know what, the league called me today.

And, apparently, one of the coaches of the other teams

got into a little skiing accident

and they asked me to take over the Blue Jays.

(ALL GASPING)

Why are we scared?

We can't win.

Because the Blue Jays are mean and nasty and huge.

And one of them looks like she shaves.

Well, I mean, it can't be that bad, huh?

See for yourself, baby, because we're gonna be playing you next week.

Jay, why did you do this?

Because I thought it would be fun.

Oh, Claire, you've seen your father's practice, right?

What plays are they using?

They don't have plays.

They just eat candy and run around in circles until they get dizzy.

Come on, Claire, don't lie to me. You gotta know something.

Dad, she's crazy!

Stop torturing the girl. She doesn't know anything.

Oh, could it be that somebody is a little frightened about the big game on Saturday?

You're the only one thinking about the big game.

And this is not a big game, it's actually as small a game as a game can get.

Waving the white flag already.

Well, actually, I think we have a chance.

(LAUGHING)

You do, now?

That's right. That's right. Kady looked pretty damn good out there today.

What, Kady?

I'm shaking in my boots about big, bad Kady.

I give up.

That's a good slogan for your team, "I give up."

Jay, how did you get so competitive?

There's a long story behind it.

Okay, never mind.

No. No, baby. I will feel much better if I told you the story.

Really? I'm sure I won't, but go ahead.

Stop kidding. All right.

Well, you may not believe this,

but there was a time in my life

when I was what might be considered a big girl.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Really? Mmm-hmm.

Yes.

Now, at that time, I was seven years old, about 3'2" and 106 pounds.

No comment. Good.

My dad, the Marine sergeant,

thought it would be a good idea if I got some exercise.

So, he signed me up to the little girls' soccer team.

To play what? The goalie?

Yes. They actually called me "The Wall."

The Wall. Nothing could get by me, baby.

I mean, I finally felt like somebody.

And the kids weren't teasing me singing,

(IN SINGSONG VOICE) "Fat, fat water rat,

"go and scratch your hairy back."

I can't tell you what a turnoff this story is.

Anyway, I was hot...

Nothing could get by me.

I became popular.

But then, in the middle of the season

Coach Gonzales replaces me

with Patty Martin!

This skinny little, whiney little twerp

because he wanted to give her a chance to play.

Oh yeah, throw in the asthmatic!

Just throw in the asthmatic!

Needless to say we were back to losing

and not long after that

the kids were back to calling me

"Fat, fat, water rat!

Go and scratch your hairy back.

Skinny legs and smelly crack!

You look like a quarterback.

I hope you're not planning on having sex tonight.

All right, girls, we ready to have some fun out here?

ALL: Yeah!

Okay. Remember, I want you to keep that energy up.

And how do we keep our energy up?

Two words, "Pixie Stix."

ALL: Yeah!

All right, here. I want you to take some and pass the rest.

Everybody get some.

Now, Melissa, remember, you're our goalie.

You gotta keeps your eyes on the ball at all times.

Just pretend that the ball is Justin Timberlake.

(IN SINGSONG VOICE) Melissa likes boys. Melissa likes boys.

I like boys.

But I don't just like boys.

I like flowers. I like puppies. I like science.

I like math. I like these!

Okay, okay. Melissa, no, no, no. Calm down.

Give me more! No more. No more. You're cut off.

You're cut off. No more of these.

All right. Look.

I want you guys to know that no matter what happens out there today,

I believe in you, okay? And I'm proud to be your coach.

And there's not a team in the world

that we should be afraid to play.

Oh, yeah?

Look.

Oh, my God.

Blue Jays and I would like to wish you good luck.

May the better team win. Wish them luck, Blue Jays.

ALL: Good luck!

Wait a minute. Are you sure these are all girls?

Of course they are girls, Michael.

All of them?

What about...

(SNIFFING)

...this one?

Oh, Inga?

That's our secret weapon.

She's from East Germany. Raised under a power line.

Still don't explain why she look like she's wearing a cup.

Do you want to chat or would you like to play some soccer?

(ALL CHEERING)

(SPECTATORS CHEERING)

Yes!

(WHISTLE BLOWING)

(ALL CHEERING)

Defense! Block the... Block the ball.

(SPECTATORS CHEERING)

(WHOOPING)

(WHOOPING) Get up!

(ALL SCREAMING)

Inga! Inga! Inga!

Yes!

It's all right. It's all right. We're still in the game.

We're still in the game. Come on. Get up. Get up. Whoo!

Thirteen-to-nothing with 15 seconds left.

I could let you forfeit the game, baby.

No, no. That's all right. My girls are having fun out here.

Okay. Don't say I didn't give you the chance.

(SPECTATORS CHEERING)

Kick to me! Kick to me!

That's it. Kick! Kick!

Oh, no! God! She did it! She made a goal!

(ALL CHEERING)

There you go.

Mmm. Well, I see that the Blue Jays are celebrating their victory dinner, huh?

Why don't we be a good sport and say congratulations to the Blue Jays, huh, Robins?

ALL: Congratulations, Blue Jays.

Well, actually, we are not celebrating our victory.

Then what are you celebrating?

We're celebrating my retirement from coaching.

(ALL CHEERING)

Oh, no. Don't go. Inga, don't.

Inga! Inga, stop that. (SOBBING) No!

Inga, it's all right. It's all right, girl. Sit down.

I need you. I understand. Sit down.

Oh, I'm sorry. I've been acting ridiculously.

Will you forgive me?

Of course I forgive you.

But why this sudden change of heart?

It made me realize what I had been missing all these years.

What, medication?

No. Fun.

Good for you.

She was great, wasn't she?

Yes. Come here, baby. That was a great goal. I was so proud of you.

Thank you, Mommy.

Hey, let's get the kids some drinks.

No, no, no. You stay here. I'll get it.

Okay. Bring Inga a beer.

Baby. Yeah?

Glad you're finally able to let this whole winning thing go.

Me, too. It's a real relief.

13-to-1, suckers.

Kady voted for me.

Well, actually, it wasn't Kady. It was Consuela...

Consuel...

(MAN LAUGHING)

Well, actually, it wasn't Kady. It was Cons... Cons...

It wasn't Kady. It was Maria Consuela.

What's her name?

WOMAN: Maria Martina.

Martina. Maria Martina.

Well, actually, it wasn't Kady.

It was Martina Martola...

Maria Martina.