All language subtitles for My.Wife.And.Kids.S02E20.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Honey, you´ve been in
the bathroom for hours.
Are you all right?

Yeah, I´m fine, baby.

Well, I need to
get in there.

Wait. Hold on.

Why is the door locked?

Just hold on.
I´ll open it.

Hey, baby.

Is it safe?

(MOCK LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS)

I don´t understand why
it takes you so long
to get ready

when you have nothing
to get ready.

What are you talking about?
Jay, look, the shine up here,
this bling-bling,

just don´t happen.
Bling-bling?

Yeah. I gotta work on it.

I gotta massage
the baby.

It´s the difference in
looking like Michael Jordan
and Lou Gossett.

You are crazy.

Hey, what´s this, baby?

Oh, that´s trash.
Let me take that out.

No, no, no, no.
Wait, wait, wait,
wait. Hold on.

Hold on.

What´s this?

"Just For Guys"?

What´s that?

"What´s that?"
It´s hair dye for men.

See? "Send the gray away."

How did that ever
get in there?

Michael, what´s
up with this?
What´s going on?

Okay, Jay,
I found a gray hair.

Where? In your goatee?
Lower.

In your chest?
Warmer.

You´re nuts!

Exactly.

The right one.

Baby, how did you even
discover that?

Well, I was about
to get in the shower

and I´m standing here
and I´m clipping
my toenails

and I look down
and here´s this white hair
standing out like

Woody Allen
at the Million Man March.

You´re insane.

No, I´m 40.

Baby, you know what,
I´ve made a decision

that I´m gonna workout
so hard this year.

For my birthday, I wanna
walk around with my shirt off
and just take pictures.

Me at the library.
No shirt on.

You do that.

Tony, I cannot wait
until we can go out
on a real date.

I know.

We´re like the last ones in
school who haven´t done it.

Erica and Damien did it.

I heard they even did it
three times in one week,
give or take.

Okay, I´ll see you
in like 10 minutes.

Bye, Tony.

Yeah, yeah.
Bless you, too.

Eight, nine, ten. Baby,
you have ten whole teeth
in your mouth.

That´s more
than Grandma, right?

Yeah, right.

Can Tony and I stay out
more than two hours
on Friday?

Nope.

Two hours
is not enough.

Kady has play dates
longer than that.

That´s because Kady´s
not a horny teenager.

Look, you´re not going out
on a date with Tony
unchaperoned at night

until your father and I
say you can. That´s it.

I´m gonna
get old and gray
in this house.

I got some stuff
that really works
well for that.

What´s up with
those old things?

This is part of my
new workout routine.

Boxing. The best
cardio there is.

Oh, yeah.
You must be right.

That´s why you see so many
healthy old boxers.

Baby, slow it down.

You have to get in shape
to get in shape.

Boxing takes
tremendous wind.

I´ve got wind, Jay.
Remember last night?

Blew the sheets
right off the bed.

I´m talking
about your lungs.

If you get in
a boxing ring with somebody,
they´re gonna kill you.

(SCOFFS)
Not me, I´m Ali.

Yeah, McBeal.

Come on, Jay.
Did I ever tell you
about the time

I almost got in a fight
with Tyson over
a parking space?

What?
That´s true. I said, "Look,
Cicely, you better get..."

(CHUCKLES) You know what?

You´re such a liar.

Come on,
help me put these on.

Hey, I got your nasty
wheatgrass stuff
up there on the counter.

I already got a punching bag
set up in the garage.

Jay, I feel
young already.

You can´t fight,
can you, Daddy?

What? Do you want
some of this, huh?

You want some of this?

No. No, but I do.
What´s up? What´s up?
Come on, let´s go.

Let´s go, brother.
Stop. I can´t box you.

Come on,
I don´t wanna
box with you.

You go and do some
housework or something.

You better
get out of here.
You better.

´Cause I come from
a tougher block than you.
Come on, stop. What, what.

Ow!

Oh, baby, you all right?
Ow!

I hit myself
in the eye.

Ow! I feel like
such an idiot.

(CHUCKLES) Look, don´t beat
yourself up...

I´m joking.
Look, let me kiss it.
Let me kiss it.

Oh, baby...
Ow, baby!

I´m sorry. You want to
put some ice on it?

What happened
to your eye?

I had to
lay down the law.

(LAUGHS)
Your mom didn´t
respect her man.

I said, "Woman, when I want
some omelets over easy,
I want my omelet over easy."

(IMITATING CELIE JOHNSON)
"Harpo, you lay a hand on me
one more time,

"I swear
I´ll kills ya dead.

"I swear I will."

You guys both are lying.

Here, let me get you
some ice for that.

I´ll come with you.

(GROANS)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

CLAIRE: I´ll get it.

No, no.
Slow down.
Slow down.

Hi, Claire.
Hi, Tony.

You just missed it.
My mommy got a black eye.

Oh, my God, Ms. Kyle.
Would you like me to
take you to a shelter?

No, Tony.
It was just an accident.

Look, denial
is the first stage
in the pattern of abuse.

Tony, I said
I did it myself, okay?

Look, the victim always
blames themselves.
Would you...

Tony, I did not
hit my wife.

You´ll be in my
prayers tonight.

I don´t believe this kid.
He´s like a religious
Eddie Haskell.

For once I´m not
the dumbest guy
in the room.

Yes, you are.

You just proved me
right because it´s
"Yes, you is."

I think you should quit
while you´re behind.

I´ll do that.

I´ll go find
some sunglasses.

Come on, Kady.
Tumble Tots time.
Let´s go.

I´ll be right back, Tony.
I just have to go
get my books.

All right.
I´ll miss you.

I´ll miss you, too.

I´ll miss you more.
No. I´ll miss you more.

Will you go get
the damn books, please?

Be nice, Daddy.

I´m always nice.

So, Tony, how´s it going
with you and my beautiful,
virgin daughter?

She´s starting
to open up to me.

I mean, emotionally.
She´s emotionally...

Yeah.

She´s a wonderful girl.

You know how to
make good kids.

Yes, something you´re
probably looking forward
to doing yourself, huh?

Yeah. Someday.

Yeah, well, I´d hate to see
anything accidentally
happen to prevent that.

(WHIRRING)

´Cause that could happen,
you know.

What are you making?

It´s an energy elixir.

What´s in it?

Carrot.

And the blood
of Claire´s
last boyfriend.

Why is it green?

He was a leprechaun.

You should see what
I´ve done with his
lucky charms.

They were
magically delicious.

(GRUNTING)

Hey, Dad,
you´re pretty good.
You´ve got skills.

Yeah, well, back in
my day, I almost went
to the Golden Gloves.

Oh, really?
What happened?

I got knocked out.

Hey, come on over here
and do a little
sparring with me.

Ah. No, thanks.

Why not?

I don´t believe
in fighting.

These hands
were made for love.

I know one of them was.

Look, come on. Let me
just teach you a few
little things. Come on.

I thought you said
fighting was bad.

You know what´s worse?
Getting your ass whooped.
Okay?

See, I´m just
wanting to teach you
to defend yourself

´cause you never know
when someone´s gonna
threaten your manhood.

Dad, I´m not
afraid to run.

He who runs away
lives to fight
another day.

Yeah, and then he joins
the Village People.

I´m not gonna let you
mark up this pretty face.

Oh, so you´re
scared of me,
aren´t you?

Of course
I´m scared of you.

You raised me that way.
See you later.

All right, you run.

Go on and run.

I´ll just stay here
with this bag.

(GRUNTING)

Hi, Daddy. I´m ready for
some more boxing lessons.

Okay. All right.

Let´s review
some of the stuff
we learned earlier.

Say a little boy
comes up to you
and he goes,

(IN CHILDLIKE VOICE)
"Hey, little girl,
you wanna play doctor?"

What do you say?
Sure!

No.

You say, "Get out of here
before I kick you
on your ding-dong."

(LAUGHING)

Honey, how is drinking
eight gallons of water
gonna help you aerobically?

Because I´m gonna have to keep
running up and down the stairs
to go to the bathroom.

Plus the bathroom´s where
I do all my heavy lifting.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I´ll get it. I´ll get it.
I´ll get it. I´ll get it.

Baby girl, baby girl,
baby girl,
stop running.

You start running
to him now, you´ll be
running for him forever.

Look at this dynamic.
You don´t want that.

Hi, Tony.
Hi, Claire.

Wow, you look great
in my jacket.

What, you guys
exchanging
clothes already?

No, I just
borrowed this.

No, you didn´t. Remember,
I gave it to you and then
you gave me this hat.

Well, that´s my hat
and I´ll take it back.

Thank you very much.

So where are you
taking my daughter?

We´re going to
the batting cages.

I like that.

You´ll be out in public,
she´ll have a bat,
she´ll be hitting balls.

Perfect date.

Sounds great.

Let me give you
the rules
before you go.

You take her directly
to the batting cages,
you bat,

and then you bring her
directly back here.

No kissing, no touching,
no thinking about kissing
or touching.

Eye contact limited
to two seconds per look.

You have an hour
and 53 minutes left.
Go. Have fun.

God bless you, Mr. Kyle.

No, no, no. You know what,
I´m not falling for the
holy man routine, either.

That´s okay.
God loves you anyway.

Okay. Bye, Daddy.

Where are they off to?

You know,
they´re gonna go
have some fun.

What do you care, anyway?

Do you think it´s wise
to let them go off
alone together?

Well, as much as I´d like to
keep her locked in the house
for the rest of her life,

I can´t.
I gotta give her
some kind of space.

I don´t want her
to do anything foolish.

I worry about her.

Well, I appreciate that,
but I´m sure she´s gonna
be okay.

I hope so.

Hey, when are you
gonna get some
kind of love life?

(SCOFFS) I got a love life.

Yo, there´s this girl
at school, right?
I keep her on the low.

She said I got that
Ja Rule body, right?

She be feeling me, you know,
and I be calling her,
she be calling me.

You know,
we do our thing.

And there´s this other girl.
She says I look like
Taye Diggs.

Stop lying.
Okay.

(CAR TIRES SCREECHING ON TV)

Yeah!

Nice job, little man.

Thank you. Thank you.
I knocked two seconds
off your record.

Yeah, whatever.

Let me get a rematch.

No. I like retiring
undefeated.

Hey, look at these
new Jordans right here.

True.

Well, how´d you like it?

CLAIRE: Wow, Tony,
you are so good.

It was my first time
and I´m really glad
I did it with you.

You were so quick,
but you hit it so hard.

Yeah. That´s why
it´s important
to use protection.

I´m glad
you brought some.

I didn´t even know
how to put it on.

You are so much
better at it than me.

No, you were good, too.

I mean, you really
got your hips into it
a couple of times.

I liked it more than
I thought I would.

Yeah, once you get started,
it´s hard to stop.

I know.
I´m exhausted.

Yeah, that´s natural.
I mean, I usually go to
sleep right afterwards.

But don´t worry,
the more you do it,
the easier it gets.

Your little sister´s
a freak.

No. She´s a good girl.

Just that dude
getting into
her head.

(CHUCKLES) It seems like
that´s not the only thing
he´s getting into.

I´m just thinking
if that was
my little sister,

I´d go crazy on him.
Just rage would just
come out of me and...

Yeah, man.
You gotta hurt him.
You got to... Ooh!

Yeah, man. You gotta
let him know we ain´t
going for none of that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah!
So y´all gonna help me
jump him?

(SCOFFS) Man,
that´s your sister.

Hey, what are you
doing out here?

Well, I thought
maybe you could use
a sparring partner.

Really? Why the
change of heart?

I just wanna brush up
on my boxing skills.

You never know
when a man´s
gotta be a man.

That fat girl
been bothering
you again?

No. Not since
I had the principal
talk to her.

I just wanna learn
how to fight.

Okay. I think
I could show you
a little something.

I´ll teach you
the beauty of boxing.

The sweet science.

Okay, I want you to know
that these hands are
registered weapons.

This one is 0052
and this one is 7436.

Got ´em registered
at different times.

Dad, just teach me how
to knock somebody out.

Okay. First of all,
show me your
boxing stance.

Okay. Let me
help you correct it.

Put this hand right here
by the chin.

This hand goes six inches
from your face. Okay.
Right there.

Now, feet
shoulder-width apart.
All right. Now.

(EYE OF THE TIGER PLAYING)

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Okay.
This is a good warm-up.
This is good.

Now let´s see what´s
really going on
with them hands.

All right.
All right.

Okay. All right.

Okay.
This isn´t so bad.

Okay for your first time,
but I still see mistakes
in your technique.

Now, this hand,
keep it up
by your chin.

Right hand
by your chin
at all times.

You wanna keep
this here six inches
away from your face.

All right.
Now, throw a jab.

Hey, all right.
Now, throw a right hand.

All right.
Now put ´em together.
One, two.

One, two.

Very good.
Now, let me
see a flurry.

Now hit me.

(GRUNTING)

Come on.
Put some back into it.
You hit like Kady. Come on.

What are you doing?
You can´t hit me, boy.

All right, look.
I´m Roy Jones Jr.
Look, here, here.

(BELL DINGS)

(WHISTLING)

See, I told you
this was getting
out of hand.

But, no,
you wouldn´t listen
to me, would you?

It was just
a lucky punch, Jay.

No, Mom. Luck had nothing
to do with it. I´m a natural.

Natural.
Boy, I let you...

You let me what?
Black your eye?
I think not.

Mom, you should´ve
seen me. The speed.
The power.

Whoo!
I felt like Sugar Ray.

Which Sugar Ray?
The band.

See you later, Mike.

He´s never gonna
let me live this
down, Jay.

Now he thinks he´s
the dominant male
in the family.

You hear him calling
me Mike.

Next thing you know, he´s
gonna take the remote and
pee all over the furniture.

Michael, is this about
your son getting in
a lucky punch

or about you
and your gray hair?

It´s about
respect, Jay.

It´s about
who´s the big dog
in this house.

And right now
I feel like
a neutered Shih-Tzu.

So, when are you
and Tony
going out again?

One, don´t poke your
big head in my room,
you block the light.

Two, it´s none
of your business
what Tony and I do.

And three,
get your big head out.

Oh! Why are you
being so hostile?

Because your breath
is bringing out
my dark side.

You know,
ever since your
last date with Tony,

you´ve been
acting differently.

You even
look different.

That´s because Tony and I
connected in a way
you wouldn´t understand.

(SCOFFS) I took health class.
I understand.

What do you
really want?

Just tell your boyfriend
I wanna have a talk
with him.

About what?

It´s man stuff.
You wouldn´t understand.

Get your own boyfriend
and leave mine alone.

Maybe I will.

Hey, you.
Hi.

How´s your eye?

My eye feels like
your eye looks.

That bad, huh?

(LAUGHING) Oh!
It´s gotten purple on ya.

It´s not funny, Jay.
What am I supposed to
tell people at work?

Tell them the truth.

Tell them your son
knocked you out.

(LAUGHING)

I´d rather tell them
you did.

Oh, that´s even better.

See, I had to
lay down the law.

He didn´t
respect his woman.

When I say
I want my diamonds,

I want my diamonds now.

What´s up, boy?
Good morning, Mom.

Good morning, champ.

Good morning, Mike.

You got one more "Mike"
and then I´m gonna go
get my belt.

But I thought
the winner
got the belt.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Yo, boy, go get that door,
please. Get out of here.

Hey, Junior,
what´s up?

You tell me,
Mr. Put-Your-Hips-Into-It.

What?

Is Claire ready?

Yeah, apparently
you think so.

Wait. I´m not tracking
this conversation.

Let´s step outside
for a minute, Tony.

I wanna have a little
mano-y -boyo chat with you.

You really think that
taking all these vitamins
are gonna help?

Probably not. But I like
the way they make my pee
glow in the dark.

My eye! My eye! My eye!

What happened
to your eye?

I need ice.
He hit me in the eye.

Who hit you?
Tony.

Tony... What are you
talking about?

I´m talking about the fact
that Tony´s in the yard

with a piece of my eyebrow
on his knuckle.

What are you doing
fighting with Tony?

I heard what they did
on Claire´s date.

So?

So? Have you no shame?

What does she have
to be ashamed about?

They went out,
they had fun.

I was thinking about
doing the same thing
with you this weekend.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)
That´s crazy!

Look, all we did was
go to the batting cage
and hit baseballs.

Oh.

What did you think
we did?

It.
It?

It?
It?

That´s disgusting.
That´s disgusting!

That´s just
plain damn nasty.

I know. I´m sorry.

Look, I think
you need to go out there
and apologize to Tony.

I mean, it´s good
you stuck up
for your sister.

Your heart was
in the right place.

Too bad your eye wasn´t.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Go away.

I bought you a steak
for your eye.

Thanks.

So I guess you came up here
to tease me about getting
beat down by your boyfriend.

No. As a matter of fact,

I came up here
to tell you
how proud I am

that you tried
to defend my honor,

even though
I really didn´t need
any defending.

Thanks.

Yeah. Yeah,
that´s what I was doing.
That whole honor thing.

Oh, and for the record,
it was a lucky punch.

(CHUCKLES)

All three of ´em.

Mmm. Mmm.

Baby, this boxing thing
is really working for you.

You got a lot
of stamina now.

Yeah. Well, I had
to hit you with
the one-two combo.

Pretty good for
a man my age, huh?

What did I
tell you about that?
Age is just an illusion.

You´re only as old
as you think you are.

Well, that´s comforting
because I found
another gray hair.

What is a gray hair?
It´s meaningless.

Well, I´m glad you feel
that way because
this one is yours.

(SCREAMING)

Dye´s in the
bottom drawer.

(DOOR OPENING)

Hi, Kady.

Hi, Devon.

You wanna play doctor?

No. No!

Ow! She kicked me.
She kicked me.

It´s about respect, Jay.

It´s about who´s the top dog
in this house.

And right now I feel
like a nerded poodle.

(LAUGHS)

Neutered.

Nerded is a smart one.