Original subtitles

Honey, you´ve been in the bathroom for hours. Are you all right?

Yeah, I´m fine, baby.

Well, I need to get in there.

Wait. Hold on.

Why is the door locked?

Just hold on. I´ll open it.

Hey, baby.

Is it safe?

(MOCK LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS)

I don´t understand why it takes you so long to get ready

when you have nothing to get ready.

What are you talking about? Jay, look, the shine up here, this bling-bling,

just don´t happen. Bling-bling?

Yeah. I gotta work on it.

I gotta massage the baby.

It´s the difference in looking like Michael Jordan and Lou Gossett.

You are crazy.

Hey, what´s this, baby?

Oh, that´s trash. Let me take that out.

No, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on.

Hold on.

What´s this?

"Just For Guys"?

What´s that?

"What´s that?" It´s hair dye for men.

See? "Send the gray away."

How did that ever get in there?

Michael, what´s up with this? What´s going on?

Okay, Jay, I found a gray hair.

Where? In your goatee? Lower.

In your chest? Warmer.

You´re nuts!

Exactly.

The right one.

Baby, how did you even discover that?

Well, I was about to get in the shower

and I´m standing here and I´m clipping my toenails

and I look down and here´s this white hair standing out like

Woody Allen at the Million Man March.

You´re insane.

No, I´m 40.

Baby, you know what, I´ve made a decision

that I´m gonna workout so hard this year.

For my birthday, I wanna walk around with my shirt off and just take pictures.

Me at the library. No shirt on.

You do that.

Tony, I cannot wait until we can go out on a real date.

I know.

We´re like the last ones in school who haven´t done it.

Erica and Damien did it.

I heard they even did it three times in one week, give or take.

Okay, I´ll see you in like 10 minutes.

Bye, Tony.

Yeah, yeah. Bless you, too.

Eight, nine, ten. Baby, you have ten whole teeth in your mouth.

That´s more than Grandma, right?

Yeah, right.

Can Tony and I stay out more than two hours on Friday?

Nope.

Two hours is not enough.

Kady has play dates longer than that.

That´s because Kady´s not a horny teenager.

Look, you´re not going out on a date with Tony unchaperoned at night

until your father and I say you can. That´s it.

I´m gonna get old and gray in this house.

I got some stuff that really works well for that.

What´s up with those old things?

This is part of my new workout routine.

Boxing. The best cardio there is.

Oh, yeah. You must be right.

That´s why you see so many healthy old boxers.

Baby, slow it down.

You have to get in shape to get in shape.

Boxing takes tremendous wind.

I´ve got wind, Jay. Remember last night?

Blew the sheets right off the bed.

I´m talking about your lungs.

If you get in a boxing ring with somebody, they´re gonna kill you.

(SCOFFS) Not me, I´m Ali.

Yeah, McBeal.

Come on, Jay. Did I ever tell you about the time

I almost got in a fight with Tyson over a parking space?

What? That´s true. I said, "Look, Cicely, you better get..."

(CHUCKLES) You know what?

You´re such a liar.

Come on, help me put these on.

Hey, I got your nasty wheatgrass stuff up there on the counter.

I already got a punching bag set up in the garage.

Jay, I feel young already.

You can´t fight, can you, Daddy?

What? Do you want some of this, huh?

You want some of this?

No. No, but I do. What´s up? What´s up? Come on, let´s go.

Let´s go, brother. Stop. I can´t box you.

Come on, I don´t wanna box with you.

You go and do some housework or something.

You better get out of here. You better.

´Cause I come from a tougher block than you. Come on, stop. What, what.

Ow!

Oh, baby, you all right? Ow!

I hit myself in the eye.

Ow! I feel like such an idiot.

(CHUCKLES) Look, don´t beat yourself up...

I´m joking. Look, let me kiss it. Let me kiss it.

Oh, baby... Ow, baby!

I´m sorry. You want to put some ice on it?

What happened to your eye?

I had to lay down the law.

(LAUGHS) Your mom didn´t respect her man.

I said, "Woman, when I want some omelets over easy, I want my omelet over easy."

(IMITATING CELIE JOHNSON) "Harpo, you lay a hand on me one more time,

"I swear I´ll kills ya dead.

"I swear I will."

You guys both are lying.

Here, let me get you some ice for that.

I´ll come with you.

(GROANS)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

CLAIRE: I´ll get it.

No, no. Slow down. Slow down.

Hi, Claire. Hi, Tony.

You just missed it. My mommy got a black eye.

Oh, my God, Ms. Kyle. Would you like me to take you to a shelter?

No, Tony. It was just an accident.

Look, denial is the first stage in the pattern of abuse.

Tony, I said I did it myself, okay?

Look, the victim always blames themselves. Would you...

Tony, I did not hit my wife.

You´ll be in my prayers tonight.

I don´t believe this kid. He´s like a religious Eddie Haskell.

For once I´m not the dumbest guy in the room.

Yes, you are.

You just proved me right because it´s "Yes, you is."

I think you should quit while you´re behind.

I´ll do that.

I´ll go find some sunglasses.

Come on, Kady. Tumble Tots time. Let´s go.

I´ll be right back, Tony. I just have to go get my books.

All right. I´ll miss you.

I´ll miss you, too.

I´ll miss you more. No. I´ll miss you more.

Will you go get the damn books, please?

Be nice, Daddy.

I´m always nice.

So, Tony, how´s it going with you and my beautiful, virgin daughter?

She´s starting to open up to me.

I mean, emotionally. She´s emotionally...

Yeah.

She´s a wonderful girl.

You know how to make good kids.

Yes, something you´re probably looking forward to doing yourself, huh?

Yeah. Someday.

Yeah, well, I´d hate to see anything accidentally happen to prevent that.

(WHIRRING)

´Cause that could happen, you know.

What are you making?

It´s an energy elixir.

What´s in it?

Carrot.

And the blood of Claire´s last boyfriend.

Why is it green?

He was a leprechaun.

You should see what I´ve done with his lucky charms.

They were magically delicious.

(GRUNTING)

Hey, Dad, you´re pretty good. You´ve got skills.

Yeah, well, back in my day, I almost went to the Golden Gloves.

Oh, really? What happened?

I got knocked out.

Hey, come on over here and do a little sparring with me.

Ah. No, thanks.

Why not?

I don´t believe in fighting.

These hands were made for love.

I know one of them was.

Look, come on. Let me just teach you a few little things. Come on.

I thought you said fighting was bad.

You know what´s worse? Getting your ass whooped. Okay?

See, I´m just wanting to teach you to defend yourself

´cause you never know when someone´s gonna threaten your manhood.

Dad, I´m not afraid to run.

He who runs away lives to fight another day.

Yeah, and then he joins the Village People.

I´m not gonna let you mark up this pretty face.

Oh, so you´re scared of me, aren´t you?

Of course I´m scared of you.

You raised me that way. See you later.

All right, you run.

Go on and run.

I´ll just stay here with this bag.

(GRUNTING)

Hi, Daddy. I´m ready for some more boxing lessons.

Okay. All right.

Let´s review some of the stuff we learned earlier.

Say a little boy comes up to you and he goes,

(IN CHILDLIKE VOICE) "Hey, little girl, you wanna play doctor?"

What do you say? Sure!

No.

You say, "Get out of here before I kick you on your ding-dong."

(LAUGHING)

Honey, how is drinking eight gallons of water gonna help you aerobically?

Because I´m gonna have to keep running up and down the stairs to go to the bathroom.

Plus the bathroom´s where I do all my heavy lifting.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

I´ll get it. I´ll get it. I´ll get it. I´ll get it.

Baby girl, baby girl, baby girl, stop running.

You start running to him now, you´ll be running for him forever.

Look at this dynamic. You don´t want that.

Hi, Tony. Hi, Claire.

Wow, you look great in my jacket.

What, you guys exchanging clothes already?

No, I just borrowed this.

No, you didn´t. Remember, I gave it to you and then you gave me this hat.

Well, that´s my hat and I´ll take it back.

Thank you very much.

So where are you taking my daughter?

We´re going to the batting cages.

I like that.

You´ll be out in public, she´ll have a bat, she´ll be hitting balls.

Perfect date.

Sounds great.

Let me give you the rules before you go.

You take her directly to the batting cages, you bat,

and then you bring her directly back here.

No kissing, no touching, no thinking about kissing or touching.

Eye contact limited to two seconds per look.

You have an hour and 53 minutes left. Go. Have fun.

God bless you, Mr. Kyle.

No, no, no. You know what, I´m not falling for the holy man routine, either.

That´s okay. God loves you anyway.

Okay. Bye, Daddy.

Where are they off to?

You know, they´re gonna go have some fun.

What do you care, anyway?

Do you think it´s wise to let them go off alone together?

Well, as much as I´d like to keep her locked in the house for the rest of her life,

I can´t. I gotta give her some kind of space.

I don´t want her to do anything foolish.

I worry about her.

Well, I appreciate that, but I´m sure she´s gonna be okay.

I hope so.

Hey, when are you gonna get some kind of love life?

(SCOFFS) I got a love life.

Yo, there´s this girl at school, right? I keep her on the low.

She said I got that Ja Rule body, right?

She be feeling me, you know, and I be calling her, she be calling me.

You know, we do our thing.

And there´s this other girl. She says I look like Taye Diggs.

Stop lying. Okay.

(CAR TIRES SCREECHING ON TV)

Yeah!

Nice job, little man.

Thank you. Thank you. I knocked two seconds off your record.

Yeah, whatever.

Let me get a rematch.

No. I like retiring undefeated.

Hey, look at these new Jordans right here.

True.

Well, how´d you like it?

CLAIRE: Wow, Tony, you are so good.

It was my first time and I´m really glad I did it with you.

You were so quick, but you hit it so hard.

Yeah. That´s why it´s important to use protection.

I´m glad you brought some.

I didn´t even know how to put it on.

You are so much better at it than me.

No, you were good, too.

I mean, you really got your hips into it a couple of times.

I liked it more than I thought I would.

Yeah, once you get started, it´s hard to stop.

I know. I´m exhausted.

Yeah, that´s natural. I mean, I usually go to sleep right afterwards.

But don´t worry, the more you do it, the easier it gets.

Your little sister´s a freak.

No. She´s a good girl.

Just that dude getting into her head.

(CHUCKLES) It seems like that´s not the only thing he´s getting into.

I´m just thinking if that was my little sister,

I´d go crazy on him. Just rage would just come out of me and...

Yeah, man. You gotta hurt him. You got to... Ooh!

Yeah, man. You gotta let him know we ain´t going for none of that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! So y´all gonna help me jump him?

(SCOFFS) Man, that´s your sister.

Hey, what are you doing out here?

Well, I thought maybe you could use a sparring partner.

Really? Why the change of heart?

I just wanna brush up on my boxing skills.

You never know when a man´s gotta be a man.

That fat girl been bothering you again?

No. Not since I had the principal talk to her.

I just wanna learn how to fight.

Okay. I think I could show you a little something.

I´ll teach you the beauty of boxing.

The sweet science.

Okay, I want you to know that these hands are registered weapons.

This one is 0052 and this one is 7436.

Got ´em registered at different times.

Dad, just teach me how to knock somebody out.

Okay. First of all, show me your boxing stance.

Okay. Let me help you correct it.

Put this hand right here by the chin.

This hand goes six inches from your face. Okay. Right there.

Now, feet shoulder-width apart. All right. Now.

(EYE OF THE TIGER PLAYING)

Yeah. Yeah.

Okay. Okay. This is a good warm-up. This is good.

Now let´s see what´s really going on with them hands.

All right. All right.

Okay. All right.

Okay. This isn´t so bad.

Okay for your first time, but I still see mistakes in your technique.

Now, this hand, keep it up by your chin.

Right hand by your chin at all times.

You wanna keep this here six inches away from your face.

All right. Now, throw a jab.

Hey, all right. Now, throw a right hand.

All right. Now put ´em together. One, two.

One, two.

Very good. Now, let me see a flurry.

Now hit me.

(GRUNTING)

Come on. Put some back into it. You hit like Kady. Come on.

What are you doing? You can´t hit me, boy.

All right, look. I´m Roy Jones Jr. Look, here, here.

(BELL DINGS)

(WHISTLING)

See, I told you this was getting out of hand.

But, no, you wouldn´t listen to me, would you?

It was just a lucky punch, Jay.

No, Mom. Luck had nothing to do with it. I´m a natural.

Natural. Boy, I let you...

You let me what? Black your eye? I think not.

Mom, you should´ve seen me. The speed. The power.

Whoo! I felt like Sugar Ray.

Which Sugar Ray? The band.

See you later, Mike.

He´s never gonna let me live this down, Jay.

Now he thinks he´s the dominant male in the family.

You hear him calling me Mike.

Next thing you know, he´s gonna take the remote and pee all over the furniture.

Michael, is this about your son getting in a lucky punch

or about you and your gray hair?

It´s about respect, Jay.

It´s about who´s the big dog in this house.

And right now I feel like a neutered Shih-Tzu.

So, when are you and Tony going out again?

One, don´t poke your big head in my room, you block the light.

Two, it´s none of your business what Tony and I do.

And three, get your big head out.

Oh! Why are you being so hostile?

Because your breath is bringing out my dark side.

You know, ever since your last date with Tony,

you´ve been acting differently.

You even look different.

That´s because Tony and I connected in a way you wouldn´t understand.

(SCOFFS) I took health class. I understand.

What do you really want?

Just tell your boyfriend I wanna have a talk with him.

About what?

It´s man stuff. You wouldn´t understand.

Get your own boyfriend and leave mine alone.

Maybe I will.

Hey, you. Hi.

How´s your eye?

My eye feels like your eye looks.

That bad, huh?

(LAUGHING) Oh! It´s gotten purple on ya.

It´s not funny, Jay. What am I supposed to tell people at work?

Tell them the truth.

Tell them your son knocked you out.

(LAUGHING)

I´d rather tell them you did.

Oh, that´s even better.

See, I had to lay down the law.

He didn´t respect his woman.

When I say I want my diamonds,

I want my diamonds now.

What´s up, boy? Good morning, Mom.

Good morning, champ.

Good morning, Mike.

You got one more "Mike" and then I´m gonna go get my belt.

But I thought the winner got the belt.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Yo, boy, go get that door, please. Get out of here.

Hey, Junior, what´s up?

You tell me, Mr. Put-Your-Hips-Into-It.

What?

Is Claire ready?

Yeah, apparently you think so.

Wait. I´m not tracking this conversation.

Let´s step outside for a minute, Tony.

I wanna have a little mano-y -boyo chat with you.

You really think that taking all these vitamins are gonna help?

Probably not. But I like the way they make my pee glow in the dark.

My eye! My eye! My eye!

What happened to your eye?

I need ice. He hit me in the eye.

Who hit you? Tony.

Tony... What are you talking about?

I´m talking about the fact that Tony´s in the yard

with a piece of my eyebrow on his knuckle.

What are you doing fighting with Tony?

I heard what they did on Claire´s date.

So?

So? Have you no shame?

What does she have to be ashamed about?

They went out, they had fun.

I was thinking about doing the same thing with you this weekend.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) That´s crazy!

Look, all we did was go to the batting cage and hit baseballs.

Oh.

What did you think we did?

It. It?

It? It?

That´s disgusting. That´s disgusting!

That´s just plain damn nasty.

I know. I´m sorry.

Look, I think you need to go out there and apologize to Tony.

I mean, it´s good you stuck up for your sister.

Your heart was in the right place.

Too bad your eye wasn´t.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Go away.

I bought you a steak for your eye.

Thanks.

So I guess you came up here to tease me about getting beat down by your boyfriend.

No. As a matter of fact,

I came up here to tell you how proud I am

that you tried to defend my honor,

even though I really didn´t need any defending.

Thanks.

Yeah. Yeah, that´s what I was doing. That whole honor thing.

Oh, and for the record, it was a lucky punch.

(CHUCKLES)

All three of ´em.

Mmm. Mmm.

Baby, this boxing thing is really working for you.

You got a lot of stamina now.

Yeah. Well, I had to hit you with the one-two combo.

Pretty good for a man my age, huh?

What did I tell you about that? Age is just an illusion.

You´re only as old as you think you are.

Well, that´s comforting because I found another gray hair.

What is a gray hair? It´s meaningless.

Well, I´m glad you feel that way because this one is yours.

(SCREAMING)

Dye´s in the bottom drawer.

(DOOR OPENING)

Hi, Kady.

Hi, Devon.

You wanna play doctor?

No. No!

Ow! She kicked me. She kicked me.

It´s about respect, Jay.

It´s about who´s the top dog in this house.

And right now I feel like a nerded poodle.

(LAUGHS)

Neutered.

Nerded is a smart one.