Original subtitles

You think I should wear my hair up or down?

Mmm. Both.

You could pull it back, show off your cheekbones.

I don't want her showing off anything

with the word "cheeks" in it.

Taking pictures or something?

No, baby. She's going out with Tony

on Saturday night, remember?

Tony... Oh, that's the boy with the penis.

That's not wise.

You know the rules, only eunuchs until you're 28.

Mom! Okay, 25.

These kids... This younger generation

wants to grow up so fast.

Michael, you said it was okay.

No, I didn't. If I did, I did it to shut you up.

No, no, no. Two weeks ago, you were constipated.

Remember, I came to the bathroom door and I asked you

if Claire could go on the date, and you said,

(GRUNTING) "Yeah."

You can't hold me to that. Why not?

Jay, I was vulnerable.

You caught me with my pants down.

Well, look, I already said yes.

I talked to the boy's parents, and you know what, Michael,

I really like him.

Then why don't you go on a date with him?

Don't tempt me.

You can't stop us from seeing each other.

We go to school together.

I could if we moved to Winnipeg.

Michael, we talked about this, remember?

You can't stop the inevitable.

If you could, you wouldn't need the word "inevitable."

I'm trying to avoid the word "pregnantable."

It's not the same. He's a nice boy.

Oh, that's the scam. They're not nice boys.

He pretends to be a nice boy.

All teenage boys are horny little perverts,

looking to fondle, feel or fornicate

with anything with a heartbeat.

He's a sperm bomb. And I don't want my daughter

anywhere near him when he detonates.

I hate this. I'm just gonna grow old

and stay in this house forever and never do anything.

Is that what you want?

Yeah.

What is wrong with you? Why do you hate this boy so much?

Because he's sneaky, Jay.

The last time the boy was in this house,

I caught them up in Claire's room alone.

Okay, you remember that?

Yeah. Yes. Huh? Huh? You remember that? Yeah.

Yeah, he pretends to be a gentleman, but he's a liar.

A big-headed, big-footed, skinny little liar.

You know what? The kids wouldn't have to sneak around so much

if you didn't have all these crazy rules.

I'm from the old school. I can't help myself.

Okay? I want that boy to fear me, Jay.

I want... When he's alone with my daughter,

I want him to see my face

and to be thinking about what I'm gonna do to him

if he crosses the line.

Which line?

The panty line.

Okay? If he wants to date my daughter,

then let him come over here

and kiss my ring and ask for my permission

like the opening scene in The Godfather.

Again with The Godfather.

(IMITATING DON CORLEONE) This is the first time

you come over to my house, you...

You don't bring a cup of coffee.

You don't show no respect, you know.

You don't even say, "Hi, Godfather.

"Would you like a cannoli?"

Are you gonna continue to do that bad version of the movie?

(IN NORMAL VOICE) I could, because everything you need to know about life

is in the movie The Godfather, Kay.

I mean, Jay.

He wants my daughter, he has to go through me.

(THE GODFATHER THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Tony is here to see you, Don Baldioni.

Send him in.

It's a pleasure to see you again, Mr. Kyle.

Tony.

I brought you a gift.

It's a Wizards jersey.

I hope you don't mind, I had it signed.

By Popeye Jones.

So what brings you to my house, Tony?

I came to ask your permission to take Claire on a date.

And what makes you think I should trust you

with one of my most valuable assets?

(SIGHS)

'Cause I really, really, really, really,

really like her, Mr. Kyle.

That's a lot of "reallys," Tony.

Whenever I'm around her, I get butterflies.

She's so incredible.

And sometimes I just wonder if she likes me back.

What should I do, Mr. Kyle? What should I do?

You should act like a man. That's what you should do.

Act like a man.

(IMITATING TONY) What should I do, Mr. Kyle?

Michael! Michael, stop it.

You're scaring him.

Good. I want him scared, Jay.

(SIGHS) I'm plenty scared, Mr. Kyle.

And I promise you, I would never do anything you didn't approve of.

I just wanna take Claire to the movies.

Yeah, you just want to get my daughter alone in a dark room, is that it?

Yes, sir.

No, sir. No. We don't have to be alone, sir.

Just gave me an idea, Tony.

And anybody in this house will tell you

when I get an idea, it changes lives.

Amen to that.

I think I know a way that we can all get what we want

out of this situation.

I'm not following you.

See, I give you my permission

to take my daughter to the movie under one condition,

and that condition is that it's a double date with my wife and I.

Oh, no, no. no. You do not speak for me.

As you can see, I have a certain

sentimental weakness for my wife.

I spoil her.

Sometimes she speaks when she should be listening.

And sometimes I break a lamp over my husband's head

when I should be watching TV.

Actually, Mrs. Kyle, I think that's a great idea.

I mean, that way we can all get to know each other.

It'll be fun.

It's gonna be fun for me.

So, do you want to tell Claire the good news or shall I?

I'd like to.

I can't wait to see the expression on her face.

(SCREAMING)

Michael, this is so wrong.

Baby, this is what they do in Africa.

Do you know that in Africa,

if a boy wants to marry the chief's daughter,

he has to go out there and kill a lion

and then they circumcise him?

I'm not asking the boy to kill a lion.

Hey, we need for you to watch Kady Saturday night.

Why me? Why not Claire?

Because your mother and I are going on a double date

with Claire and Tony.

(LAUGHING)

You and mom...

I'm sorry that was just too-- A double date!

At least she has a date!

I'm not going.

Excellent! I win again.

Mom, help me, please.

How would you have felt if your parents went on dates with you and Dad?

Like a virgin.

(EXCLAIMS IN ANGER)

I'm not gonna allow you to make this a miserable

experience for her, Michael.

Your first date is supposed to be something special.

I know, and I'm going along

to make sure it's not too special.

And I'm going along to watch you.

I just want to prove to you

that this boy's a pig just like all other teenagers.

Not all boys are pigs.

Boy! These truffles sure do smell good.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST) I hate this.

Why, baby girl?

I'm a teenager.

I can't be seen out on a date with my parents.

No one will ever ask me out on a date again.

Oh, this just gets better and better.

Stop it.

We are not old, baby. We're hip.

Yeah! We down! Hey, Jack, what's going on?

What? B-boy.

Huh? Isn't that the joyski or what?

Mom, nobody says,

(IMITATING MICHAEL) "Yeah, we're hip. This hip or what?"

No. No one says that.

Baby, what is the cool new slang?

Yeah, what's the jive they be talking now?

Dealio.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

I'll get it.

He's late, just for the record.

Hey, it's Tony, everybody.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I had to rescue some orphans from a burning building.

Oh, yeah, that happens all the time. Happened to me twice today.

It doesn't matter. Now you're here.

Is there anything special you guys wanna see?

Yeah, I'd like to see you guys stay home tonight.

Let me see if that's playing. Stay home tonight?

Stay home... No.

But you know what, the new Vin Diesel movie is out.

Things Blow Up.

No, baby.

No. I wanted to see the new Merchant Ivory movie.

What's that one called?

An Afternoon in the Evening.

Oh, come on, Jay. You know what?

Tony, you decide.

Listen, Pamela Anderson is in Things Blow Up.

So, we know at least two things are going to be blowing up.

Gosh, I don't know, Mr. Kyle. It's rated R.

Well, would you rather see An Afternoon in the Evening?

Oh, come on, Jay, that English crap

only appeals to... To women and homosexual men.

MAN ON SCREEN: Elizabeth, have you seen my red codpiece?

Come on, Junior. I'm bored. Let's play Candy Land.

No.

Okay, then let's watch Snow White.

No!

(SIGHS) Then what can we do?

I don't know. We could play restaurant.

Okay. How do you play that?

Okay, I'll be the customer, you'll be the waitress.

And you could take my order. Go get me a cookie, waitress.

What? No plate? What type of restaurant is this?

(SIGHS)

And what about my drink?

Get me a soda.

(EXCLAIMS IN FRUSTRATION) And no ice,

'cause you know I got sensitive teeth.

(SIGHS)

Hurry up!

I'll talk to your manager and get you fired.

Here you go, mister customer.

Just the way you like it.

Thank you, waitress. Hmm.

What, no tip?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Here you go, a shiny new dime.

I have a whole bunch of these.

You do?

A whole jar full.

Well, I wouldn't do this for everybody,

but I'll give you a big giant nickel

for every teeny weenie dime you have.

Really?

Yes, now go get them.

Okay.

Sucker!

I just found a way to triple my money.

Mmm.

A little thick.

Your money is no good here, Mr. Kyle,

I mean, you've allowed me to go out with Claire.

The least I can do is buy snacks.

Great. You know, I'll have two hotdogs,

give me a Pepsi, a large one.

Jumbo. Give me the trough.

And I want some of these Nestle Crunch.

Give me some licorice.

Give me about five of those Boston Baked Beans.

You know what, just give me one of each candy

and wrap up a couple of those pretzels to go.

And do you have roast beef sandwiches?

And for you, sir?

Can I get a job application?

It's okay. Look, I'll take care of it. Listen.

Now that we got all these munchies,

wanna go outside and get high?

What?

Smoke a joint.

You know, a little... Just a little...

(INHALING SHARPLY)

(GURGLING)

Wait. You do that? Yeah!

(SCOFFS) You kidding? I stay high.

I've been high since high school.

Look, I'm sorry, Mr. Kyle,

but the only thing that gets me high is my prayer circle.

In fact, I really hope I'm not out of line,

but I'd like to pray for you right now.

No, don't. Don't. Don't. Please don't.

Dear Lord, I pray for Mr. Kyle.

I pray that he... Hey, hey, hey...

(SHUSHING) ...smoking marijuana...

It's okay. I was kidding.

I don't really get high. Never.

(SIGHS IN RELIEF) It's bad for you.

Oh, see, you scared me, Mr. Kyle,

because, you know, a lot of families get ruined

by drugs and alcohol each year. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I know.

Who is this guy?

Oh, God! This is boring.

This is like watching my hair grow.

You know what, if you would stop talking,

maybe we could get into the story.

What? There is no story.

There's a horse, a mute and a violin.

Unless the mute kills the horse with the violin,

there's no story.

(SHUSHING)

Watch the movie and enjoy it, Michael. Dang!

Baby, I'm a man. It's hard for me to get into this.

What kind of wuss is interested in this?

(SOBBING)

He's trying to play the sensitive card.

(MOCK SOBBING)

Oh, yeah. The old yawn and hug

and hand right up on the breast.

Hey, either he's incredibly smart

or amazingly stupid.

(ALL SHUSHING)

Hey, shush yourself.

None of these people never been

to a Magic Johnson theater.

They don't even sell hot sauce here.

They don't have no chicken...

No bar. They don't sell hats... That's it, that's it.

That's it, that's it.

I'm going to the Vin Diesel film.

Okay. That's a good idea.

They're not gonna do anything in front of us.

Let's go to...

Hey, we're gonna go see Vin Diesel.

We're gonna leave you two alone. Okay?

Oh, thank God. Okay.

I'll tell you everything that happens.

You better.

How was your soda?

Mmm. Refreshing.

I love you, Junior.

Aw.

Let's keep this little coin trade a secret, okay?

Sure thing.

I don't want anybody else to get jealous

'cause the truth is, I love you the best.

I love you, too.

Look at all these nickels.

Yeah. You're a lucky girl, all right.

Boy, I'm getting hungry.

Do you know how to scramble eggs, waitress?

Oh, yeah!

I make it with my special cheese.

Ooh.

(WHISPERING) Are your parents coming back?

Should I go check on them?

No. It's a trick.

What is?

You don't know my father.

He pulls this kind of stuff all the time.

He leaves, you put your arm around me,

and then that lady in front of us pulls off her wig

and it's Dad.

I promise you, he's in here somewhere.

I think you're wrong, Claire.

I'll prove it to you.

Oh, my God!

I want you to sit down and leave those kids alone.

Okay, I'm busted.

I just want to go check on them, okay?

Just peek my head in...

No, no, no.

No, Michael. You've been bugging me to see

this stupid movie. We're in here now,

and I want you to watch it with me.

Okay. Stay here until three more things blow up.

(EXPLOSIONS ON SCREEN)

Okay. No, no, no, no.

Uh-uh.

Just forget your little plan.

I want Claire and Tony to spend a few moments alone together.

I mean, what is the worse that could happen, Michael?

Well, you seem to be conveniently forgetting

some of the things we did together in a movie theater.

(SIGHS)

Remember the hotdog trick?

Go check on the kids.

Stop. Why?

I can't do this.

I promised your father we wouldn't do anything

and I can't break that promise.

Besides, I respect you, Claire.

It's like the mute in the movie said,

"I see a future for us."

He didn't say that.

No, but he wrote it in the sand with a stick.

Look, the point is, is that...

I think we should save our kiss for our honeymoon.

Yeah? Well, I don't.

So, did he kiss her?

No, he was a perfect gentleman, Jay.

Oh, so he wasn't a pig?

No, he wasn't a pig, Jay.

See? Now, the next time I tell you something,

will you be more inclined to listen to me?

No, I won't, Jay.

That was supposed to be a "Yes, Jay."

But he told her, "We should not kiss until our honeymoon."

And then she leaned in and kisses the boy.

That little narrow-behind hussy.

After I went to bat for her?

Oh, I'm gonna teach that girl a lesson

she's never gonna forget. No, no, no.

Jay, listen, listen.

All you're gonna do, baby, is go upstairs

and get into an argument with her.

And that's not gonna accomplish anything

for any of us, okay? Let me handle this.

Fine. Go up there, but don't be easy on her.

I won't.

Godfather her ass.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Come in.

Hey, I just came by to say good night.

Good night.

Actually, there's a little more than good night

that I want to say. Um...

Listen, Claire,

as much as I'd like to keep you my little girl

for the rest of your life,

I'm starting to realize that you are growing up.

What're you trying to say, Dad?

Well, I guess what I'm trying to say is that,

as you grow up, sooner or later, like one day,

you're probably gonna have your first kiss.

Daddy... No. No.

Hear me out. It's gonna happen whether I like it or not.

And I just want you to know that

kissing can lead to touching,

and touching can lead to grandchildren.

So, when you do have that first kiss,

stick to kissing.

You know, 'cause there's nothing wrong

with a good 10, 15 years of just kissing.

I understand, Daddy.

Okay.

Ah, that felt good.

And, Dad,

just for the record, even after I'm married,

I'll always be your little girl.

I love you.

Honey, I want you to check this out.

What is it?

It's Tony saving two children out of a burning orphanage.

Who is this boy?

No idea.

Daddy... Huh?

...look at all these nickels.

Where did you get all of these from?

Junior and I made a trade.

And what did you trade?

My dimes.

Boy, you better give her back her money.

Hey, a deal's a deal. MICHAEL: Yeah.

That's right. Look, Daddy.

Wow, 1937 three-legged Buffalo.

That gotta be worth something, huh?

$200.

Hey, you tricked me.

I spit in your Coke, too.

Again with The Godfather.

(IMITATING DON CORLEONE) This is the first time you come to my house

and you don't bring coffee

and you don't say, "Hi, Godfather."

You come to my house, you don't show no respect.

You don't even say, "Hi!"

Oh, God! No good.