Original subtitles

Excuse me, buddy.

Sir? Friend?

Could you scoot your car up a little bit so I can reach the pump?

I'll only be another second or so.

Okay. I'll wait then.

(SIGHS)

(HONKS HORN)

It's just oil, not rocket fuel.

Oil runs our country, my friend.

Excuse me. Uh-huh.

Is that half empty?

Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

Thank you. Or is it half full?

(CHUCKLING)

Finally.

(EXHALES)

(MUTTERS) I hate you. I hate you.

Come on.

Ooh.

(CHUCKLES)

Would you like me to...

No!

All right, sir.

This has gotta be Candid Camera.

I can't believe this idiot. Where's the cameras?

There's a homeless guy that'd do it for 50 cents.

We're all one paycheck away from that, buddy boy.

(HONKING)

Stay focused, you're washing windows.

(CRANKING)

It means tightened.

Safety first.

Thank God.

(STARTS ENGINE)

What? What now? What now?

Shrek! Think you can move sometime this century?

I beg your pardon?

You've been here for almost an hour.

No, I haven't. Yes, you have.

How long does it take you to gas up your tank?

During peak periods I average between 12 and 14 minutes.

Well, it takes me 3. You gas it and go.

Well, I think you know what haste makes.

Yeah, haste makes a foot in your ass.

Hang on, stupid. I'm obligated to warn you

that I studied karate at the YMCA, all right?

Why, was the knitting class all taken?

Isn't that always the way? It's funny that...

Just get in your car. Just get in the car

or I'm gonna stuff you in the trunk. Come on, let's go.

All right, junior. Let's rumble.

What you gonna do? What's this, huh?

I got something that'd fit right in there.

Come on.

Yeah, what? What? Come on!

Let's go. Come on.

Come on! What?

Hey, hey! Thank God.

There's no dancing in this neighborhood.

Hey, we weren't dancing, we're fighting.

Hey, Jimmy, they say they weren't dancing.

Officer. They were fighting.

That man threatened me.

No, she threatened me.

Who you calling "she"?

All right, that's enough out of both of you.

Now how did this start?

I was trying to pull my car up to get some gas...

I was trying to service my vehicle...

(BOTH ARGUING)

Please, please!

You're two grown men.

Don't you have better things to do?

Yeah, I gotta get gas. You give me gas.

Yeah, you let a lot of it out. You smell that?

All right, knock it off!

You, sir. In your car and leave.

Yes, sir.

Yeah, leave.

You're lucky John Law showed up, compadre.

Oh, yeah? Just get in your car, you little woman.

I'm not a little woman.

Yeah, you're a big woman with big birthing hips

and a camel toe.

At least I'm not bald.

And what do you think that is on top of your head,

an 8-inch part?

Baby, you should have seen this guy.

He was, like, 9 feet tall and he had arms like this

and just boom, boom, boom!

He's lucky the cops showed up. I was gonna hurt him.

I can't understand why people can't be considerate of one another.

Right, I'm telling you. Could you get out? I'm gonna watch the game.

No game tonight.

Why not?

Because we're all going out to dinner.

Good, could you bring me back some fries and a burger?

No, no, no, no, no.

We, as a family, are going out to dinner.

No can do, Jay. Tonight is a very critical game

for Michael Jordan.

Oh, please. Every single time you watch a game

with Michael Jordan in it, it's critical.

No, Jay, this game is special. This is hyper-critical.

This is intensive care critical.

Listen, if they don't win this game,

they don't make the playoffs.

And after all Jordan's hard work

to try and get this team into shape,

the least I could do is watch.

You remember the last game, I missed it and we lost.

We? I'm sorry, which position do you play again?

Oh, come on, Jay. Mike depends on me.

Okay, do you see him looking in the camera, huh,

when he's chewing the gum?

You know who he's looking for?

Who? Me, Jay.

He wants to know that I'm out there supporting him.

Uh-huh.

That's right. I'm the Mike he tries to be like.

I complete him.

You're completely out of you mind.

And you're going to Tokahana,

so you might as well get ready.

Oh, God, not Tokahana.

First, Pearl Harbor, then Tokahana.

Why do they hate us so much?

Would you stop it? It's a fun restaurant, Michael.

Fun? Jay, what is fun about sitting around a grill

with strangers covered in smoke?

I feel like Isaac Hayes at the Oscars.

Okay, fine. You know what? We'll vote on it.

We'll let the kids decide. How about that?

I like those odds.

All right, Fredo, Connie, Sonny, get in here.

I didn't do it.

I can't even reach it.

It was like that when I got home.

You know what? It doesn't matter,

you can all be forgiven if you make the right choice.

Your mother and I want...

All in favor of going to a fabulous restaurant tonight,

raise your hands.

(EXCLAIMS)

Wait, you guys are going?

Yeah. Of course.

Never mind.

That's my girl. What about you, Kady,

don't you wanna stay home with daddy?

Nope. I want a Shirley Temple

with lots and lots and lots of cherries.

With cherries?

That's my baby right there.

Okay, well, it looks like you're the swing vote, Son.

What's it gonna be?

Man, this is child abuse!

Looks like a tie. No, no, no.

Kids, could you please excuse your daddy and me?

I've been doing that for 15 years.

(EXCLAIMS) She's funny.

She sure is.

Michael, can't you set the VCR, tape the game

and watch it when we get home?

I got a better idea, Jay. Why don't you and the kids

tape dinner and I'll watch that when we get home.

Okay, fine, I'm putting my foot down.

It's either Michael Jordan or me. Choose.

I said it's either Michael Jordan or me. Choose.

Michael, I said it's either Michael Jordan...

Okay, okay. I was just trying to imagine

what it'd be like living in Washington.

Let me put it to you this way.

Jordan's tongue. My tongue.

I'll get dressed. That's what I thought.

Welcome to Tokahana's.

MICHAEL: Thank you.

Five dollars, please.

Five dollars, what? To park a car?

Come on. What, you gonna wash and wax it, too?

(LAUGHS) Five dollars.

I'm not paying... The Bean Palace charges $2.50.

I'm not paying you five dollars to park my car.

You're right, it's 6:00. Now you're paying seven dollars.

No, no, no, no. I'll park it myself, thank you very much.

No, no, no, no. There's no self-parking after 6:00, sir.

Michael, will you please just pay the man?

You're embarrassing me. And me.

And me. Yeah.

No, no. This is highway robbery, Jay, okay?

We're not even in the restaurant yet,

and already we're being fleeced.

I'm hungry!

Yeah, we're all hungry.

Michael, come on, pay him.

(CAR HONKING) See, baby, this is part of the scam.

What they do is they get you here,

they got people back... I hear you!

Don't beep your horn at me.

See, that's all... These people work for them,

and then they charge up the price 'cause they know

you're hungry and you're light-headed and vulnerable.

Come on, get back in the car,

and we'll find some free parking. Come on.

What? Uh-uh. You have got to be kidding me.

The nearest free parking is a mile away.

So what? Walking is good for your heart

and it's good for your hunger. Come on.

We'll work up an appetite. No, this is so stupid.

Come on. And embarrassing.

When you start the car, can you just run me over?

Here you go, sir. Here's $10. Ten dollars?

JAY: I'm sorry for your trouble. Man, $10?

And please keep the change. To park the car?

Yes, I am, and I wanna go eat.

Ten dollars? Yes, I gave him $10.

Michael, he works hard for the money.

Huh?

You just paid him five dollars a foot. He just moved two feet.

That's five dollars a foot. Will you just please drop it?

I'm hungry, let's go eat. Please, everybody inside.

Hey, I know how much change is in my ashtray.

Good evening and welcome to Tokahana.

Do you have a reservation?

Yeah, I got reservations, but I'm gonna eat here anyway.

The Kyle family. 6:00.

Yeah, 6:00 on the dot, that Kyle family.

The Kylez.

No, Kyle.

The Kylez.

No, there's no "Z" in Kyle.

Kylez.

See, this is another part of the scam, Jay.

What they do is, they pretend your table's not ready,

then they push you over into the bar and you gotta buy $8 drinks.

You're so paranoid.

Kady, Kady, be careful by that koi pond, please.

Okay, Mommy. Look at all these fishes.

Unfortunately, your table is not ready.

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

Please have a seat in the Toko Lounge

and we will beep you when we are ready.

Yeah? Did I predict it or did I predict it?

Yes, yes, Lord, yes.

You predicted it, Baldstradamus.

I bet you the place is not even packed.

(SIGHS) Watch this.

No peeking.

I just wanted to check out the environment.

It's lovely.

Please have a seat in the Toko Lounge.

Sure.

(EXCLAIMS)

What is wrong with you?

We'll go in the lounge,

but we're not gonna buy anything.

That's okay. Two drink minimum. We charge you anyway.

Hey, baby, stay where I can see you, okay?

Okay, Mommy. All right.

(WHOOPING)

I'm gonna go check out the scenery.

I saw a pretty girl come in,

and I'm gonna try to work some of my magic, you know.

What you gonna do, make her disappear?

(LAUGHS)

Real funny, Dad.

I'm gonna go take a walk, too.

Why?

'Cause I don't want anyone to see me hanging around

Homer and Marge.

You guys, don't go far,

they're gonna be beeping us any second.

What can I get you?

How about our table?

Michael. How's your Tropical Celebration?

It's fun.

Oh, now I want one of those.

Okay.

See, if we'd have ordered in, we would've been eating already.

Probably finished.

Will you just relax? It should be any moment now.

Just calm down.

Don't turn on the game. Please, don't.

You want me to turn the game off?

Yes, please. I'm taping it.

I can't know the score, otherwise it ruins everything.

So you want me to turn the game off now?

Yes, I'd appreciate it.

How much?

I'd appreciate it very, very, very much.

No, I mean, how much?

Are you hustling me to turn the game off?

I have an ex-wife and a daughter who looks just like me.

I'll give you $10.

Wow, look at Jordan go.

I'll give you 20 bucks.

There you go.

Put it on the tab.

One Tropical Celebration.

(EXCLAIMS) Isn't she cute?

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

(LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

I hate this place.

This is so fun. I'm gonna take a walk, baby.

You enjoy your drink. Okay.

(SCREAMS)

(EXCLAIMS)

Oh, wow, baby!

(YELLS)

The baby fell in the pool.

What happened?

I think she got too close.

Mommy said don't get too close.

You pushed me.

No, I was trying to catch you.

With your foot?

We better hurry up and just get her home.

Round up the kids before she catches a cold.

No, no, no, no, no, we are not going home.

Come on, Mommy will dry you off.

We gonna go home? No, we're not.

Don't touch anything.

I didn't push her.

She fell. I was trying to catch her.

You saw that, right? I was...

Come on. Oh, boy. Come on.

I still say he pushed me.

It doesn't matter now,

because now you have a brand-new pretty sweatshirt.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

She looks like a troll.

No, I don't.

Yes, you do. MICHAEL: Hey, hey, hey!

Stop laughing at me.

Leave your sister alone. Her hair looks nice.

She looks like her mommy.

(BEEPING)

Is that our beeper? Uh-uh.

Well, I'll be damned, they came in after we did.

You are determined to make this

a miserable experience, aren't you?

You just wanna go home and see Jordan.

No, no, no, Jay, it's principle, okay?

I just wanna be treated... Forget it, I'll be right back.

Excuse me, those people got here after we did.

What is your name?

(MIMICKING) Kylez.

Oh, you finally pronounced it right.

Very good. Have you been enjoying the Toko Lounge?

No, I have not been enjoying the Toko Lounge.

I'm all Toko-ed out. I wanna sit down and eat.

Your table was ready 20 minutes ago.

Then why didn't you beep me?

I beeped you twice, sir.

This thing hasn't rang all night.

Is that number 81?

Yeah.

Oh, that one is broken.

Then why didn't you come get me?

You could've hit me in the head

with a chopstick or something. I was right there.

I didn't want to interrupt your Tropical Celebration.

Now, if you please go back in the Toko Lounge,

and I will beep you when your table is ready.

I thought you said the table was ready 20 minutes ago.

It was, but when you did not respond to my beeps,

I gave it to 82.

Which reminds me 91 is up.

This is 145!

Yes, but that one works.

Look, I really, really hate this place.

Can you hate it from the Toko lounge?

I can't believe it. They gave our table away.

Why would they do that?

They said the beeper was a defective one, so they gave us a new one.

Okay. Well, look. I ordered you a drink.

It'll help you alter your mood.

I need something.

Good. Take a sip.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

(ALL LAUGHING)

Daddy, I'm starving.

We're all starving.

Bet you wish you would've voted with me.

Here, eat some of these cherries until the food comes.

I'll put that on your tab. It's a quarter a cherry.

This place is a rip-off. A quarter a cherry?

How much did you pay for the sweatshirt?

$60? You paid $60 for a sweatshirt?

Lower your voice.

(SOFTLY) Okay. $60 for a sweatshirt?

I am not with these people.

Jay, what is wrong with you?

What, was I supposed to let her run around wet?

You could have improvised.

You could have cut a hole in one of the tablecloths and made a poncho.

$60? That's ridiculous. I hope you're talking yen.

You know, I wish I would have seen the price of that sweatshirt.

Sixty for a sweatshirt! I hope you're talking yen.

You know what? Cut it. Cut it.

Okay, fine, Jay. Fine, fine. No. Cut it.

Okay, this is your little night on the town, Jay.

Yes, I need it.

I'm just here, Jay.

Would you like to buy the lady some roses?

No, thank you. We're sleeping together already.

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Your table is right this way.

You'll be sitting with the Tyler family.

Next time on My Wife and Kids.

Well, you handled that well, didn't you?

Are you satisfied now?

Can we stop arguing with people?

Can we have a civilized meal, please?

Yes, yes. That would be really nice.

He put pee pee fingers on my lobster.

That's why I brought this guy.

That's repulsive. What are you doing?

I'm seducing that girl with my mating call

by licking my lips. Girls love it.

They only love it if you can lick your eyebrows.

You know what I wish, Michael?

I wish you would just go apologize to that man

so we can all eat in peace. What?

Yes. Why should I apologize?

He was in the wrong. Clearly in the wrong.

It's called being the bigger man, Michael.

I'll be the bigger man.

No, no, no, no. I was the bigger man.

(BLOWING WHISTLE)