Original subtitles

JUNIOR: I don't wanna go.

Look, nobody wants to go except your mother, the history major.

She feels that it's important for you kids

to learn more about the history of this country.

So, we are doomed to go.

But, Dad, the birthplace of Paul Revere?

Who cares where some rock star from the '60s was born?

On second thought, maybe your mother's right.

No, you just want to go to Scully's to eat lobster.

Not just lobster, Son, the best lobster on the planet. Okay?

So, you put on a happy face,

and let's go in the kitchen.

A happy face. Happy, damn it! Happy.

Yeah. There it is.

Hey, baby. Hey, guys.

You are in for a treat. I packed all colonial food.

This is the stuff our forefathers actually ate.

I know a kid at school who has four fathers.

Shut up, Junior.

Hey, what's this?

Oh, baby, that's mutton. Mmm.

Mutton? What's mutton?

It's elderly sheep that died of natural causes.

Old, sick sheep. Mmm. Yummy!

You shut up, too.

We also have salt pork,

non-alcoholic mead, and ye olde egg salad.

Wow. That explains why ye olde lifespan was only 36 years.

'Cause ye olde bowels couldn't digest ye olde food.

Get away from me.

I am so excited!

Junior, did you know that Paul Revere was a participant

in the Boston Tea Party?

So what was he? Like a waiter?

It's a great feeling to know you're pouring knowledge into an empty vessel, huh?

Yes.

Baby, could you please finish packing all this stuff up?

Baby, do I look fat?

You know what, I think I'm feeling a little bloated.

I gotta go change my clothes.

Oh! Put some Advil in the box for me, please. Thanks.

(JAY GROANING)

What's the matter, Dad?

We're at DEFCON 1.

What do you mean?

It means, the Revolutionary War is not the only period

we're gonna experience this trip.

Hey, look, it's the Unabomber.

Can't believe I'm getting dragged to stupid old Massachusetts

when it's Erica's birthday.

Everybody's going to be at her party.

Everyone but you.

Where would this country be

if Paul Revere went to a party

on the day that the British was coming?

I don't care. I hate Paul Revere anyway.

If it wasn't for him, we'd all have really cool English accents.

Yeah, like Madonna.

Yeah. And Tina Turner.

Ike, put the bat down and pass me the...

(EXCLAIMS) The crumpets!

What is this stuff?

Oh, that's mutton and salt pork.

I can't eat any of this. I'm already bloated!

(SCREAMS)

(MIMICS ALARM BLARING)

What is it, Dad? DEFCON 2.

Whatever you do, do not look either one of those women in the eyes.

Dad, I think you're blowing this out of proportion.

Who keeps squeezing the toothpaste in the center of the tube?

I tell y'all all the time, "Don't do that.

"You're squeezing wrong, you're squeezing wrong."

You know what I'm saying? This is a house of lunacy!

Come on, y'all. Get in. Come on.

I'm sitting behind Mom.

No, you're not. I'm sitting behind Mom.

Why do you get to sit behind Mom?

Because I'm the oldest.

You're the dumbest.

But where's little Pipi gonna sit?

That doll ain't real. She don't love you.

(CRYING)

Junior.

Hey, I know what you're trying to do.

You're trying to create a crisis so that we don't go.

But we're going whether you like it or not,

even if I have to strap you to the hood of this car like a dead deer.

Junior, you sit behind me,

and the Grim Reaper, you sit behind your mother,

so it'll balance things out.

That's not funny.

What's not funny?

Your implication that Claire and I weigh the same as you and Junior.

You know, Michael, I have been working very, very hard on this diet,

and I cannot believe that you would make a fat joke on my expense.

Baby, you're making a big deal out of nothing.

Oh, I'm big now.

I'm big.

Will you lighten up?

There you go again. Lighten.

Why don't you just hook up a horse trailer to the back of the car?

Let me ride in that, Michael. You want that?

Throw a blanket on my back, strap a feed bag across my face.

Look, Miss Ed, chill out.

This is supposed to be fun, remember? We're having fun.

Oh, come on, honey. This is gonna be fun.

No, I'm... Let's go. Get in the car, get in the car!

Is that offer to strap me to the hood of the car still good?

I might need that spot for your mother.

All right.

Before we get going, let's go over the rules.

Rule number one, no hitting, no fighting...

(MOUTHING) ...no biting, no yelling.

Rule number two, no throwing things out the window,

and number three, remain in your seats at all times.

No switching seats. You got that?

ALL: Yes, father.

Okay.

Does anybody need to go to the bathroom before we go?

I don't have to go.

You sure? Yeah.

What about you? Not me.

Junior, you gotta go to the bathroom?

I don't know.

What do you mean, you don't know?

You either gotta go or you don't gotta go. It's that simple.

No, for me, it's not that simple.

Sometimes, I have to go, but then I'm not quite there. It's mysterious.

You know what? I want everybody to get up and go to the bathroom.

Everybody out.

Good idea, baby.

What the hell is wrong with this boy?

Michael, he's a teenager. His hormones are all over the place.

You know, baby, speaking of hormones,

do you really think that this is the right time of the month

to be taking this trip?

(CHUCKLES)

Are you insinuating that my monthly cycle

has something to do with my temperament?

No, not at all. It's just that you and Claire

are both dealing with this "situation"

at the same time and...

And?

Well, it's a volatile mix.

And?

And, I mean, I don't wanna be tip-toeing around

the whole trip worrying about what I say and how I say it. You know?

Mmm-hmm. Because you're oversensitive right now.

Oversensitive. Slightly.

Slightly. Right. Oh, okay. Really?

I mean, it is not your fault, baby.

I mean, you can't help that. I mean, you're just a woman, you know?

This mutton really takes the sting out.

I can't help it. I'm a woman.

Hey, hey, hey. Baretta, come here.

You roll over this car one more time,

the car gonna roll over you.

Okay, guys. Come on, let's go.

Everybody ready?

Yeah!

Seatbelts strapped in. (WHOOPING)

All right, we got lift off.

Paul Revere.

Baby, I think we're lost.

We're not lost, Jay. I know where we're going. I know how to get to Boston.

Just shoot up the road,

then we make that turn on the side road,

and that's gonna take us right in...

Bing!

Why don't we just "bing" right here?

AUTOMATED VOICE: Could I have your destination, please?

No, you can't. Yes.

Why did you do that?

Because I don't need that thing telling me where to go.

It's basically telling me I'm stupid.

This thing can map out our entire trip for us, Michael.

I don't need a computer, Jay. Okay?

Columbus didn't have a computer to tell him where he was going.

Wasn't Columbus lost?

Yeah, because his wife kept messing with his compass.

Yeah, and he thought the world was round.

What an idiot.

Mmm, mmm, mmm.

Would you please just relax, okay?

And let me be the pioneer.

That is a really good idea. I'm glad you say the word "pioneer,"

because I thought of it like that, too.

We have to be pioneers... Right.

...and that's why I got us all these coonskin hats.

Everybody gets one. All right. Mamma got coonskin hats.

One for everyone.

(WHOOPING) All right!

And you, too, baby. Look who's getting his.

Don't think you're gonna get away with it.

We could be like Davy Crockett and Daniel Boone.

Hey, Ralphie boy, let's do this raccoon salute.

This is a raccoon?

No, they scooped all the raccoon out of it. It's just skin.

Yuck!

That's how I'm gonna wear little Pipi when I'm done with her.

(YELLS)

Junior, cut it out.

I'm not putting some dead animal on my head. That's disgusting.

Where do you think those leather shoes on your feet come from?

Donna Karan.

They scoop Donna Karan out?

Hi, Erica.

In the car with them.

'Cause they made me.

Exactly. But I was thinking the other word.

Worse.

Worse.

That's the one.

So how's the party?

That's because your parents are cool.

Hey, is that Erica?

Let me... Give me the phone, I want to say happy birthday to her. Come on.

He wants to wish you a happy birthday.

I know. Tell me about it.

Here you go.

Hey, Erica, I got you something for your birthday.

Yeah, it's a trip. Right there.

Oh, my God!

You threw my phone out the window.

Who am I supposed to talk to?

You're supposed to talk to your family.

That's right. That's why we're here together.

You know what? Why don't we sing some songs?

Yeah!

Throw me out the window, please.

Come on, perk up.

There's over a million great car songs to sing.

That's right. That's right. Name one.

♪ 82 bottles of beer on the wall 82 bottles of beer ♪

♪ The bear went over the mountain

♪ The bear went over the mountain ♪

♪ We will, we will rock you ♪

♪ Kady, Bady, bo Fady Banana fanna fo Fady

♪ Be, bi bo Mady

♪ Kady ♪

Oh! I got one.

♪ Chuck, Chuck bo Buck Banana fanna fo... ♪

It's okay, soldier. The redness will go away. Here, put some mutton.

(EXCLAIMS)

(LAUGHING)

JAY: That's good mutton.

KADY: Are we there yet?

Stop the next time you can, okay?

For what, baby?

Do I have to give you a reason?

No, I just need to know where you want me to stop.

You want me to find a hardware store, you want a donut shop,

you want me to pull over and let you get your taxes done at H&R Block?

I just need to know where.

No, no. I would like for you to stop

at the next sarcasm store you get to, and get a refill.

I gotta pee!

All right.

I'm gonna eat your head while you're asleep.

Pleasant dreams. (SCREAMING)

Please... Junior, you idiot,

leave her alone.

All right, all right. I'll leave her alone.

But Pipi won't!

Shut up! All right, stop it.

I'm gonna lock you in the trunk.

You know what? I had enough. I had enough.

Junior, switch places with me right now.

Don't switch seats, baby. Uh-uh. We gotta switch seats.

Don't switch... I'm tired of this boy.

He's getting on my doggone nerves. Watch out.

Come on. Hey, I'm driving here.

JAY: Junior, you better ease up, now, wait a minute.

Come on, boy, you got your butt in my ear.

JAY: Wait a minute, Junior.

This is why I say don't switch seats.

JAY: Look, Michael...

I'm almost... (SCREAMS)

Get off my face, Mommy.

Now your butt is in her face.

MICHAEL: Just hurry, baby.

JUNIOR: I'm stuck.

Junior, you got your mamma's smile, boy.

(SIREN WAILING)

Ooh, Michael, it's the police.

Ooh, Michael, that's because ya'll...

Fix yourself up, boy.

You violated rule number three. Don't switch seats.

Remember I said, "Don't switch seats?"

All right.

I want everybody to just sit here and act friendly.

Put a smile on your face, boy.

Hey, Officer, how are you doing? Is there a problem?

Yes, there is.

The rear tire on the driver's side looked a little low,

but now that I'm here I can see why. You have a carful.

JAY: Excuse me, Officer. Baby, don't scold the cop.

Excuse me. Hi. You turned on your siren and pulled us over

just to call me fat?

No, no, no. I was referring to the fact

that there are three of you in the back seat.

And one of them is fat.

No, ma'am. Don't "ma'am" me.

I'm an American citizen.

And as an American citizen, I have the right to weigh whatever I want to weigh.

You know what? You don't have a wife. No, you don't have a wife.

You don't have a wife. I can tell you don't have a wife

'cause you obviously don't know how to talk to women.

Baby, can we... Shut up, punk-punk!

You should be defending my honor, Michael,

instead of sucking up to Smokey the Bear.

I don't even wanna talk to you no more.

Sir, are you at DEFCON 1?

Two. Godspeed.

You're not going to arrest me?

No. Please?

Hit me with the taser. Something.

Okay. Okay, look, there's a Porta-Potty right up there.

I'm not going in a Porta-Potty.

It's a historical one.

That's where Nathan Hale took his final dump.

I'm not going in that, Michael.

Neither am I. Okay.

Fill her up.

You can use the tail to wipe.

Very funny.

All right. All right, pull over to the side.

(WHIMPERS)

Hurry up!

Okay, come on, Claire. Come on.

Hurry back.

Get rid of this damn mutton.

And, Junior, if your mother starts with that Paul Revere crap,

I want you to grab the wheel, 'cause I'm jumping out of this car.

Gotcha.

Boy, that was quick. It was filthy.

So what?

What are you gonna do, open heart surgery? It's just a bathroom.

Michael, it looked like somebody died in there.

There was a chalk line of a body around the hole.

Could you please find me a crime-free restroom?

That was the most disgusting, vile place I've ever seen.

It smelled like a bag of old guts.

I'm hungry.

Whatever happened to all that mutton?

Oh, we ate that. We chowed down on the mutton.

Oh, yeah? Was it delicious, baby?

Girl, I tell you, I wish I had more.

Lucky you.

'Cause look what I found on the side of the road.

Some more mutton, huh? Mmm-hmm.

I'm a glutton for that mutton.

But you know what goes good with that?

What? Some chicken,

with mashed potatoes and some corn on the cob. That's what we're gonna have.

And look at that. Uncle Sammy's Chicken Place, right up ahead.

DISTORTED VOICE: May I take your order?

(ALL CLAMORING)

Hot chocolate cake with extra chocolate sauce.

Is that it?

You got all that?

Okay, no... I'd like two breasts.

You know why?

Oh.

(LAUGHS) I'm a breast man.

Dad, that's not cute.

First time I heard that one.

Drive to window two, please.

KADY: Make sure they remember my toy.

MICHAEL: This is a chicken place. They don't have toys.

I want one.

Hey, you might wanna get that speaker box fixed, back there.

Makes your voice sound (MUMBLING) like that.

(DISTORTED) I'll tell the manager.

Never mind.

Who ordered the two breasts?

Oh, that was me.

Sorry, we're out of chicken.

But this is Sammy's Chicken Place.

That's right. What are we supposed to be out of?

Ham?

(CLAIRE SOBS)

What's the matter, Claire?

What...

My fries are cold.

You're crying over some stupid potatoes?

Michael. What?

Oh, well, give them to Daddy, sweetie,

and I'll put 'em on the heater and heat 'em up.

No. I don't want 'em anymore.

They're cold and stale,

like the swirling winds of despair that sweep through my soul.

I'll eat 'em.

(DISTORTED) And I'll eat you.

Dad, make her stop.

Hey, where did you get that thing from?

It's my prize. It was in my bag.

New Hampshire.

AUTOMATED VOICE: This is the navigation system operator. May I help you?

(WHISPERS) Yeah, I'm lost.

I can't hear you.

(MOANS)

I said I'm lost.

Why didn't you listen to your wife?

Michael, are we lost? Hmm?

No.

What? We're not lost. I know exactly where we are.

We are on this road.

We just take this... Bing.

Straight, and just keep going until we get up to other road,

and cross back over, and... Bing. We're there.

Okay, I'll speed up. I'll make up a little time, that's all.

(SIREN WAILS)

Why, good afternoon, Officer.

Do you have any idea how fast you were going?

Probably the speed limit. About 55, huh?

Try 75. Didn't you feel all that wind through your hair?

Um, could you hurry it up. We're on a historical journey.

Jay. Shh. Don't shush me.

Have some respect for the law.

You were the one flying down the highway like a bat out of hell.

Can I handle this, please?

Go ahead. Handle it. Handle it.

Like you did the last cop. Go ahead. Handle it.

I'm gonna have to give you a ticket.

I understand. What is it?

A quota this weekend?

Or is it the end of your shift?

She's a comedian. That's what it is. I'm...

She's actually driving up to Boston.

She's opening at Ye Olde Chuckle Barn.

Yeah? Give him a ticket.

And that's the opening act.

Did you hear the one about the guy with the court date?

Thanks a lot, Jay. What?

Thank you. And, by the way,

the tire on the passenger side's a little low.

Baby, switching these seats. This is silly.

No, it isn't.

Because this way each tire will get even wear

under the strain of my enormous weight.

Oh, yeah, and I might have to drive home.

Because I want to make sure that front left tire

gets the benefit of my bulbous booty.

Okay, baby, whatever...

Are you agreeing with that?

I know you just didn't agree with that!

No. Is there a right answer? There's no right answer.

This is so boring.

You can say that again.

This is so boring.

Boring?

Boring? You guys, do you realize the significance

of where we are?

A defiant act of independence known as the Boston Tea Party

happened on these very shores.

On June 17th, 1775,

the first major battle between British and American troops,

known as the Battle of Bunker Hill, took place.

And on April...

Stop it! Stop it! Stop it! I can't take any more!

For the love of God, stop talking!

Junior, take cover. It's about to get ugly, Son.

(BOTH YELLING INDISTINCTLY)

No, no. But no, I didn't get the pony I wanted when I was five years old!

BOTH: (CRYING) I'm sorry!

I'm sorry, baby!

See, this is why Siegfried and Roy have separate cars.

Are we there yet?

Yes, we are.

Oh.

That is Paul Revere's house.

Which one?

The one behind the sign that says,

"Paul Revere's house closed for his birthday."

(WAILING)

(ALL CRYING)

And ye olde egg salad.

Wow. That explains why ye olde lifespan was only 36 years.

'Cause ye olde bowels couldn't... (STAMMERS) Okay.

Where'd I drive through?

Stamford, Connecticut. Stamford, Connecticut.

And why are the cars moving back there?

Are we still driving?

JAY: Yeah. I thought we got pulled over.

No.