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1
00:00:03,003 --> 00:00:04,633
JUNIOR: I don't wanna go.
2
00:00:04,625 --> 00:00:07,795
Look, nobody wants to go
except your mother,
the history major.
3
00:00:07,798 --> 00:00:09,508
She feels that
it's important
for you kids
4
00:00:09,510 --> 00:00:11,970
to learn more
about the history
of this country.
5
00:00:11,972 --> 00:00:14,142
So, we are
doomed to go.
6
00:00:14,135 --> 00:00:16,475
But, Dad, the birthplace
of Paul Revere?
7
00:00:16,477 --> 00:00:18,977
Who cares
where some rock star
from the '60s was born?
8
00:00:21,482 --> 00:00:23,482
On second thought,
maybe your mother's right.
9
00:00:23,484 --> 00:00:25,994
No, you just
want to go to Scully's
to eat lobster.
10
00:00:25,986 --> 00:00:29,236
Not just lobster, Son,
the best lobster
on the planet. Okay?
11
00:00:29,240 --> 00:00:31,150
So, you put on
a happy face,
12
00:00:31,152 --> 00:00:33,652
and let's go
in the kitchen.
13
00:00:33,654 --> 00:00:35,964
A happy face.
Happy, damn it! Happy.
14
00:00:36,867 --> 00:00:39,117
Yeah. There it is.
15
00:00:39,120 --> 00:00:40,580
Hey, baby.
Hey, guys.
16
00:00:40,581 --> 00:00:43,161
You are in for a treat.
I packed all colonial food.
17
00:00:43,164 --> 00:00:45,594
This is the stuff
our forefathers
actually ate.
18
00:00:45,586 --> 00:00:48,506
I know a kid at school
who has four fathers.
19
00:00:49,510 --> 00:00:51,050
Shut up, Junior.
20
00:00:51,051 --> 00:00:52,341
Hey, what's this?
21
00:00:52,343 --> 00:00:54,053
Oh, baby,
that's mutton. Mmm.
22
00:00:54,054 --> 00:00:55,944
Mutton?
What's mutton?
23
00:00:55,936 --> 00:00:59,346
It's elderly sheep
that died of
natural causes.
24
00:00:59,350 --> 00:01:02,180
Old, sick sheep.
Mmm. Yummy!
25
00:01:02,183 --> 00:01:03,353
You shut up, too.
26
00:01:03,354 --> 00:01:07,784
We also have salt pork,
27
00:01:07,778 --> 00:01:13,648
non-alcoholic mead,
and ye olde egg salad.
28
00:01:13,654 --> 00:01:17,584
Wow. That explains
why ye olde lifespan
was only 36 years.
29
00:01:17,578 --> 00:01:21,288
'Cause ye olde bowels
couldn't digest ye olde food.
30
00:01:21,292 --> 00:01:23,202
Get away from me.
31
00:01:23,204 --> 00:01:25,344
I am so excited!
32
00:01:25,336 --> 00:01:27,666
Junior, did you know
that Paul Revere
was a participant
33
00:01:27,668 --> 00:01:29,048
in the
Boston Tea Party?
34
00:01:29,049 --> 00:01:31,969
So what was he?
Like a waiter?
35
00:01:31,972 --> 00:01:35,722
It's a great feeling to know
you're pouring knowledge
into an empty vessel, huh?
36
00:01:35,716 --> 00:01:37,056
Yes.
37
00:01:37,057 --> 00:01:39,057
Baby, could you please
finish packing all this
stuff up?
38
00:01:39,059 --> 00:01:40,389
Baby, do I look fat?
39
00:01:40,391 --> 00:01:41,931
You know what,
I think I'm feeling
a little bloated.
40
00:01:41,932 --> 00:01:43,432
I gotta go
change my clothes.
41
00:01:43,434 --> 00:01:46,824
Oh! Put some Advil
in the box for me,
please. Thanks.
42
00:01:46,817 --> 00:01:48,147
(JAY GROANING)
43
00:01:49,029 --> 00:01:50,189
What's the matter, Dad?
44
00:01:50,191 --> 00:01:51,401
We're at DEFCON 1.
45
00:01:53,654 --> 00:01:55,164
What do you mean?
46
00:01:55,156 --> 00:01:56,946
It means,
the Revolutionary War
is not the only period
47
00:01:56,947 --> 00:01:58,737
we're gonna
experience this trip.
48
00:02:00,371 --> 00:02:03,371
Hey, look,
it's the Unabomber.
49
00:02:03,374 --> 00:02:06,094
Can't believe
I'm getting dragged to
stupid old Massachusetts
50
00:02:06,086 --> 00:02:07,456
when it's
Erica's birthday.
51
00:02:07,458 --> 00:02:09,378
Everybody's going
to be at her party.
52
00:02:09,380 --> 00:02:10,960
Everyone but you.
53
00:02:10,961 --> 00:02:12,461
Where would
this country be
54
00:02:12,463 --> 00:02:14,563
if Paul Revere
went to a party
55
00:02:14,555 --> 00:02:16,095
on the day that the
British was coming?
56
00:02:16,096 --> 00:02:18,216
I don't care. I hate
Paul Revere anyway.
57
00:02:18,219 --> 00:02:20,889
If it wasn't for him,
we'd all have really cool
English accents.
58
00:02:20,891 --> 00:02:22,181
Yeah, like Madonna.
59
00:02:22,183 --> 00:02:23,603
Yeah. And Tina Turner.
60
00:02:23,604 --> 00:02:26,444
Ike, put the bat down
and pass me the...
61
00:02:26,437 --> 00:02:28,147
(EXCLAIMS)
The crumpets!
62
00:02:31,572 --> 00:02:32,692
What is this stuff?
63
00:02:32,693 --> 00:02:34,873
Oh, that's mutton
and salt pork.
64
00:02:34,865 --> 00:02:37,445
I can't eat any of this.
I'm already bloated!
65
00:02:37,448 --> 00:02:38,698
(SCREAMS)
66
00:02:40,160 --> 00:02:42,040
(MIMICS ALARM BLARING)
67
00:02:43,043 --> 00:02:45,173
What is it, Dad?
DEFCON 2.
68
00:02:47,127 --> 00:02:50,667
Whatever you do,
do not look either one
of those women in the eyes.
69
00:02:50,671 --> 00:02:52,631
Dad, I think
you're blowing this
out of proportion.
70
00:02:52,633 --> 00:02:56,183
Who keeps squeezing
the toothpaste in the
center of the tube?
71
00:02:56,176 --> 00:02:58,296
I tell y'all all the time,
"Don't do that.
72
00:02:58,299 --> 00:03:00,299
"You're squeezing wrong,
you're squeezing wrong."
73
00:03:00,301 --> 00:03:02,891
You know what I'm saying?
This is a house of lunacy!
74
00:03:12,112 --> 00:03:13,402
Come on, y'all.
Get in. Come on.
75
00:03:13,404 --> 00:03:14,624
I'm sitting behind Mom.
76
00:03:14,615 --> 00:03:16,195
No, you're not.
I'm sitting behind Mom.
77
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:17,616
Why do you get to
sit behind Mom?
78
00:03:17,618 --> 00:03:18,738
Because I'm the oldest.
79
00:03:18,739 --> 00:03:19,949
You're the dumbest.
80
00:03:20,781 --> 00:03:23,241
But where's
little Pipi gonna sit?
81
00:03:23,244 --> 00:03:25,634
That doll ain't real.
She don't love you.
82
00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:28,167
(CRYING)
83
00:03:28,168 --> 00:03:29,498
Junior.
84
00:03:29,500 --> 00:03:31,420
Hey, I know what
you're trying to do.
85
00:03:31,422 --> 00:03:33,042
You're trying to
create a crisis
so that we don't go.
86
00:03:33,043 --> 00:03:34,763
But we're going
whether you
like it or not,
87
00:03:34,755 --> 00:03:38,965
even if I have to strap you
to the hood of this car
like a dead deer.
88
00:03:38,969 --> 00:03:40,719
Junior,
you sit behind me,
89
00:03:40,721 --> 00:03:43,261
and the Grim Reaper,
you sit behind
your mother,
90
00:03:43,264 --> 00:03:44,614
so it'll
balance things out.
91
00:03:44,605 --> 00:03:46,055
That's not funny.
92
00:03:46,056 --> 00:03:47,976
What's not funny?
93
00:03:47,978 --> 00:03:50,268
Your implication
that Claire and I weigh
the same as you and Junior.
94
00:03:50,271 --> 00:03:52,771
You know, Michael,
I have been working very,
very hard on this diet,
95
00:03:52,773 --> 00:03:56,783
and I cannot believe
that you would make
a fat joke on my expense.
96
00:03:56,777 --> 00:03:58,157
Baby, you're making
a big deal out of nothing.
97
00:03:58,158 --> 00:04:00,278
Oh, I'm big now.
98
00:04:00,281 --> 00:04:01,451
I'm big.
99
00:04:01,452 --> 00:04:02,822
Will you lighten up?
100
00:04:02,823 --> 00:04:06,333
There you go again.
Lighten.
101
00:04:06,327 --> 00:04:08,867
Why don't you just
hook up a horse trailer
to the back of the car?
102
00:04:08,869 --> 00:04:10,829
Let me ride in that,
Michael. You want that?
103
00:04:10,831 --> 00:04:15,341
Throw a blanket on my back,
strap a feed bag
across my face.
104
00:04:15,336 --> 00:04:18,586
Look, Miss Ed,
chill out.
105
00:04:18,589 --> 00:04:21,929
This is supposed
to be fun, remember?
We're having fun.
106
00:04:21,932 --> 00:04:23,842
Oh, come on, honey.
This is gonna be fun.
107
00:04:23,844 --> 00:04:27,154
No, I'm... Let's go.
Get in the car,
get in the car!
108
00:04:29,350 --> 00:04:32,690
Is that offer to strap me
to the hood of the car
still good?
109
00:04:32,693 --> 00:04:34,823
I might need that spot
for your mother.
110
00:04:37,448 --> 00:04:38,988
All right.
111
00:04:38,989 --> 00:04:41,489
Before we get going,
let's go over the rules.
112
00:04:41,492 --> 00:04:43,492
Rule number one,
no hitting, no fighting...
113
00:04:43,494 --> 00:04:44,914
(MOUTHING)
...no biting, no yelling.
114
00:04:44,905 --> 00:04:47,205
Rule number two,
no throwing things
out the window,
115
00:04:47,207 --> 00:04:50,707
and number three,
remain in your seats
at all times.
116
00:04:50,711 --> 00:04:52,751
No switching seats.
You got that?
117
00:04:52,753 --> 00:04:54,173
ALL: Yes, father.
118
00:04:54,174 --> 00:04:55,514
Okay.
119
00:04:55,506 --> 00:04:57,216
Does anybody need
to go to the bathroom
before we go?
120
00:04:57,217 --> 00:04:58,337
I don't have to go.
121
00:04:58,339 --> 00:04:59,509
You sure?
Yeah.
122
00:04:59,510 --> 00:05:00,720
What about you?
Not me.
123
00:05:00,721 --> 00:05:02,381
Junior, you gotta go
to the bathroom?
124
00:05:02,383 --> 00:05:03,473
I don't know.
125
00:05:03,474 --> 00:05:05,064
What do you mean,
you don't know?
126
00:05:05,055 --> 00:05:07,345
You either gotta go
or you don't gotta go.
It's that simple.
127
00:05:07,348 --> 00:05:09,808
No, for me,
it's not that simple.
128
00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:14,860
Sometimes, I have to go,
but then I'm not quite
there. It's mysterious.
129
00:05:14,855 --> 00:05:18,815
You know what?
I want everybody to get up
and go to the bathroom.
130
00:05:19,940 --> 00:05:21,570
Everybody out.
131
00:05:23,073 --> 00:05:24,833
Good idea, baby.
132
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:27,445
What the hell is
wrong with this boy?
133
00:05:27,448 --> 00:05:31,448
Michael, he's a teenager.
His hormones are
all over the place.
134
00:05:31,452 --> 00:05:33,622
You know, baby,
speaking of hormones,
135
00:05:33,624 --> 00:05:37,054
do you really think that
this is the right time
of the month
136
00:05:37,047 --> 00:05:38,417
to be taking this trip?
137
00:05:38,419 --> 00:05:40,049
(CHUCKLES)
138
00:05:40,050 --> 00:05:42,260
Are you insinuating
that my monthly cycle
139
00:05:42,262 --> 00:05:44,092
has something to do
with my temperament?
140
00:05:44,094 --> 00:05:46,474
No, not at all.
It's just that
you and Claire
141
00:05:46,467 --> 00:05:50,387
are both dealing
with this "situation"
142
00:05:50,391 --> 00:05:51,561
at the same time and...
143
00:05:51,562 --> 00:05:52,772
And?
144
00:05:52,773 --> 00:05:54,403
Well, it's a volatile mix.
145
00:05:54,395 --> 00:05:55,935
And?
146
00:05:55,936 --> 00:05:58,566
And, I mean,
I don't wanna be
tip-toeing around
147
00:05:58,569 --> 00:06:02,399
the whole trip
worrying about what I say
and how I say it. You know?
148
00:06:02,403 --> 00:06:04,283
Mmm-hmm.
Because you're
oversensitive right now.
149
00:06:04,284 --> 00:06:05,414
Oversensitive.
Slightly.
150
00:06:05,406 --> 00:06:06,616
Slightly.
Right. Oh, okay. Really?
151
00:06:06,617 --> 00:06:08,747
I mean, it is
not your fault, baby.
152
00:06:08,749 --> 00:06:11,989
I mean, you can't help that.
I mean, you're just a woman,
you know?
153
00:06:11,992 --> 00:06:14,372
This mutton really
takes the sting out.
154
00:06:14,374 --> 00:06:16,304
I can't help it.
I'm a woman.
155
00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:22,840
Hey, hey, hey.
Baretta, come here.
156
00:06:22,843 --> 00:06:24,513
You roll over this car
one more time,
157
00:06:24,505 --> 00:06:26,095
the car gonna
roll over you.
158
00:06:30,100 --> 00:06:32,310
Okay, guys.
Come on, let's go.
159
00:06:32,312 --> 00:06:33,512
Everybody ready?
160
00:06:33,514 --> 00:06:34,614
Yeah!
161
00:06:34,605 --> 00:06:36,515
Seatbelts strapped in.
(WHOOPING)
162
00:06:36,517 --> 00:06:37,977
All right,
we got lift off.
163
00:06:37,978 --> 00:06:39,188
Paul Revere.
164
00:06:44,404 --> 00:06:46,624
Baby, I think we're lost.
165
00:06:46,617 --> 00:06:49,237
We're not lost, Jay.
I know where we're going.
I know how to get to Boston.
166
00:06:49,239 --> 00:06:51,079
Just shoot up the road,
167
00:06:51,081 --> 00:06:53,911
then we make that turn
on the side road,
168
00:06:55,456 --> 00:06:57,746
and that's gonna
take us right in...
169
00:06:58,879 --> 00:06:59,959
Bing!
170
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:03,540
Why don't we just
"bing" right here?
171
00:07:03,544 --> 00:07:05,104
AUTOMATED VOICE:
Could I have your
destination, please?
172
00:07:05,095 --> 00:07:06,505
No, you can't.
Yes.
173
00:07:06,507 --> 00:07:07,847
Why did you do that?
174
00:07:07,848 --> 00:07:10,718
Because I don't
need that thing
telling me where to go.
175
00:07:10,721 --> 00:07:12,221
It's basically
telling me I'm stupid.
176
00:07:12,222 --> 00:07:15,652
This thing can map out
our entire trip for us,
Michael.
177
00:07:15,646 --> 00:07:18,816
I don't need
a computer, Jay.
Okay?
178
00:07:18,819 --> 00:07:22,649
Columbus didn't have
a computer to tell him
where he was going.
179
00:07:22,653 --> 00:07:24,993
Wasn't Columbus lost?
180
00:07:24,985 --> 00:07:28,445
Yeah, because his wife
kept messing with
his compass.
181
00:07:28,448 --> 00:07:31,198
Yeah, and he thought
the world was round.
182
00:07:31,201 --> 00:07:32,411
What an idiot.
183
00:07:35,576 --> 00:07:37,286
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
184
00:07:37,287 --> 00:07:39,167
Would you please
just relax, okay?
185
00:07:39,169 --> 00:07:41,419
And let me
be the pioneer.
186
00:07:41,421 --> 00:07:43,841
That is a really good idea.
I'm glad you say the word
"pioneer,"
187
00:07:43,844 --> 00:07:45,684
because I thought of it
like that, too.
188
00:07:45,676 --> 00:07:47,506
We have to
be pioneers...
Right.
189
00:07:47,508 --> 00:07:51,088
...and that's why
I got us all these
coonskin hats.
190
00:07:51,091 --> 00:07:53,011
Everybody gets one.
All right. Mamma got
coonskin hats.
191
00:07:53,013 --> 00:07:54,183
One for everyone.
192
00:07:54,184 --> 00:07:55,524
(WHOOPING)
All right!
193
00:07:55,516 --> 00:07:57,096
And you, too, baby.
Look who's getting his.
194
00:07:57,097 --> 00:07:58,557
Don't think you're
gonna get away with it.
195
00:07:58,559 --> 00:08:01,479
We could be like
Davy Crockett
and Daniel Boone.
196
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:05,031
Hey, Ralphie boy,
let's do this
raccoon salute.
197
00:08:06,316 --> 00:08:08,196
This is a raccoon?
198
00:08:08,198 --> 00:08:11,698
No, they scooped all
the raccoon out of it.
It's just skin.
199
00:08:11,702 --> 00:08:13,322
Yuck!
200
00:08:13,323 --> 00:08:15,003
That's how I'm gonna
wear little Pipi when
I'm done with her.
201
00:08:14,995 --> 00:08:16,115
(YELLS)
202
00:08:16,707 --> 00:08:18,457
Junior, cut it out.
203
00:08:18,458 --> 00:08:21,918
I'm not putting some
dead animal on my head.
That's disgusting.
204
00:08:21,922 --> 00:08:24,762
Where do you think
those leather shoes
on your feet come from?
205
00:08:24,755 --> 00:08:26,175
Donna Karan.
206
00:08:26,176 --> 00:08:28,296
They scoop
Donna Karan out?
207
00:08:30,510 --> 00:08:31,970
Hi, Erica.
208
00:08:31,972 --> 00:08:33,972
In the car with them.
209
00:08:33,974 --> 00:08:35,694
'Cause they made me.
210
00:08:35,686 --> 00:08:38,346
Exactly.
But I was thinking
the other word.
211
00:08:38,348 --> 00:08:39,978
Worse.
212
00:08:39,980 --> 00:08:41,480
Worse.
213
00:08:41,481 --> 00:08:42,641
That's the one.
214
00:08:43,814 --> 00:08:45,654
So how's the party?
215
00:08:46,857 --> 00:08:49,237
That's because
your parents are cool.
216
00:08:49,239 --> 00:08:51,529
Hey, is that Erica?
217
00:08:51,531 --> 00:08:54,621
Let me... Give me the phone,
I want to say happy birthday
to her. Come on.
218
00:08:54,615 --> 00:08:56,995
He wants to wish you
a happy birthday.
219
00:08:56,997 --> 00:08:58,997
I know.
Tell me about it.
220
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:01,830
Here you go.
221
00:09:01,832 --> 00:09:05,012
Hey, Erica,
I got you something
for your birthday.
222
00:09:05,005 --> 00:09:06,965
Yeah, it's a trip.
Right there.
223
00:09:08,338 --> 00:09:09,428
Oh, my God!
224
00:09:09,429 --> 00:09:11,509
You threw my phone
out the window.
225
00:09:11,511 --> 00:09:13,011
Who am I supposed
to talk to?
226
00:09:13,013 --> 00:09:14,643
You're supposed to
talk to your family.
227
00:09:14,635 --> 00:09:16,305
That's right.
That's why we're
here together.
228
00:09:16,306 --> 00:09:18,676
You know what?
Why don't we sing
some songs?
229
00:09:18,679 --> 00:09:20,179
Yeah!
230
00:09:20,180 --> 00:09:22,350
Throw me out
the window, please.
231
00:09:22,352 --> 00:09:23,852
Come on, perk up.
232
00:09:23,854 --> 00:09:25,614
There's over a million
great car songs to sing.
233
00:09:25,606 --> 00:09:28,106
That's right.
That's right.
Name one.
234
00:09:28,108 --> 00:09:32,358
♪ 82 bottles
of beer on the wall
82 bottles of beer ♪
235
00:09:32,362 --> 00:09:35,002
♪ The bear went over
the mountain
236
00:09:34,995 --> 00:09:37,455
♪ The bear went over
the mountain ♪
237
00:09:37,457 --> 00:09:42,957
♪ We will, we will
rock you ♪
238
00:09:42,963 --> 00:09:45,923
♪ Kady, Bady, bo Fady
Banana fanna fo Fady
239
00:09:45,916 --> 00:09:48,836
♪ Be, bi bo Mady
240
00:09:48,839 --> 00:09:50,049
♪ Kady ♪
241
00:09:50,050 --> 00:09:51,710
Oh! I got one.
242
00:09:51,712 --> 00:09:54,422
♪ Chuck, Chuck bo Buck
Banana fanna fo... ♪
243
00:09:56,386 --> 00:09:59,266
It's okay, soldier.
The redness will go away.
Here, put some mutton.
244
00:09:59,269 --> 00:10:00,389
(EXCLAIMS)
245
00:10:00,390 --> 00:10:01,720
(LAUGHING)
246
00:10:03,063 --> 00:10:04,823
JAY: That's good mutton.
247
00:10:04,815 --> 00:10:07,025
KADY: Are we there yet?
248
00:10:07,027 --> 00:10:09,067
Stop the next time
you can, okay?
249
00:10:09,069 --> 00:10:10,229
For what, baby?
250
00:10:10,230 --> 00:10:11,730
Do I have to
give you a reason?
251
00:10:11,732 --> 00:10:13,532
No, I just need to know
where you want me to stop.
252
00:10:13,533 --> 00:10:16,453
You want me to find
a hardware store,
you want a donut shop,
253
00:10:16,446 --> 00:10:19,236
you want me to pull over
and let you get your
taxes done at H&R Block?
254
00:10:19,239 --> 00:10:20,699
I just need
to know where.
255
00:10:20,701 --> 00:10:22,161
No, no. I would like
for you to stop
256
00:10:22,162 --> 00:10:24,622
at the next sarcasm store
you get to, and get a refill.
257
00:10:25,876 --> 00:10:27,006
I gotta pee!
258
00:10:27,007 --> 00:10:28,207
All right.
259
00:10:30,300 --> 00:10:32,750
I'm gonna eat your head
while you're asleep.
260
00:10:32,753 --> 00:10:34,593
Pleasant dreams.
(SCREAMING)
261
00:10:35,886 --> 00:10:37,676
Please...
Junior, you idiot,
262
00:10:37,678 --> 00:10:39,098
leave her alone.
263
00:10:39,099 --> 00:10:41,969
All right, all right.
I'll leave her alone.
264
00:10:41,972 --> 00:10:43,972
But Pipi won't!
265
00:10:43,974 --> 00:10:46,324
Shut up!
All right, stop it.
266
00:10:46,316 --> 00:10:47,606
I'm gonna lock you
in the trunk.
267
00:10:47,607 --> 00:10:49,107
You know what?
I had enough.
I had enough.
268
00:10:49,109 --> 00:10:50,569
Junior, switch places
with me right now.
269
00:10:50,570 --> 00:10:51,770
Don't switch seats, baby.
Uh-uh. We gotta switch seats.
270
00:10:51,772 --> 00:10:53,192
Don't switch...
I'm tired of this boy.
271
00:10:53,193 --> 00:10:55,993
He's getting on
my doggone nerves.
Watch out.
272
00:10:55,986 --> 00:10:58,986
Come on.
Hey, I'm driving here.
273
00:10:58,989 --> 00:11:01,119
JAY: Junior,
you better ease up,
now, wait a minute.
274
00:11:01,121 --> 00:11:03,451
Come on, boy,
you got your
butt in my ear.
275
00:11:04,584 --> 00:11:05,714
JAY: Wait a minute, Junior.
276
00:11:05,706 --> 00:11:07,126
This is why I say
don't switch seats.
277
00:11:07,127 --> 00:11:08,837
JAY: Look, Michael...
278
00:11:08,839 --> 00:11:11,169
I'm almost...
(SCREAMS)
279
00:11:11,171 --> 00:11:12,591
Get off my face, Mommy.
280
00:11:12,592 --> 00:11:14,252
Now your butt
is in her face.
281
00:11:15,345 --> 00:11:16,675
MICHAEL: Just
hurry, baby.
282
00:11:17,257 --> 00:11:18,637
JUNIOR: I'm stuck.
283
00:11:18,638 --> 00:11:20,968
Junior, you got your
mamma's smile, boy.
284
00:11:23,143 --> 00:11:25,113
(SIREN WAILING)
285
00:11:25,105 --> 00:11:26,975
Ooh, Michael,
it's the police.
286
00:11:26,977 --> 00:11:29,147
Ooh, Michael,
that's because ya'll...
287
00:11:29,149 --> 00:11:30,439
Fix yourself up, boy.
288
00:11:30,440 --> 00:11:33,270
You violated
rule number three.
Don't switch seats.
289
00:11:33,273 --> 00:11:35,453
Remember I said,
"Don't switch seats?"
290
00:11:35,445 --> 00:11:36,815
All right.
291
00:11:36,817 --> 00:11:38,697
I want everybody to just
sit here and act friendly.
292
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,118
Put a smile
on your face, boy.
293
00:11:42,032 --> 00:11:45,332
Hey, Officer,
how are you doing?
Is there a problem?
294
00:11:45,325 --> 00:11:47,205
Yes, there is.
295
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:48,997
The rear tire on
the driver's side
looked a little low,
296
00:11:48,999 --> 00:11:51,459
but now that I'm here
I can see why.
You have a carful.
297
00:11:51,461 --> 00:11:53,381
JAY: Excuse me, Officer.
Baby, don't scold the cop.
298
00:11:53,383 --> 00:11:55,723
Excuse me. Hi.
You turned on your siren
and pulled us over
299
00:11:55,715 --> 00:11:57,545
just to call me fat?
300
00:11:57,547 --> 00:11:59,047
No, no, no.
I was referring
to the fact
301
00:11:59,049 --> 00:12:00,509
that there are
three of you
in the back seat.
302
00:12:00,510 --> 00:12:01,720
And one of them is fat.
303
00:12:01,721 --> 00:12:03,181
No, ma'am.
Don't "ma'am" me.
304
00:12:03,183 --> 00:12:06,563
I'm an American citizen.
305
00:12:06,556 --> 00:12:10,896
And as an American citizen,
I have the right to weigh
whatever I want to weigh.
306
00:12:10,901 --> 00:12:13,191
You know what?
You don't have a wife.
No, you don't have a wife.
307
00:12:13,193 --> 00:12:15,033
You don't have a wife.
I can tell
you don't have a wife
308
00:12:15,025 --> 00:12:17,485
'cause you obviously
don't know how to talk
to women.
309
00:12:17,487 --> 00:12:20,317
Baby, can we...
Shut up, punk-punk!
310
00:12:20,320 --> 00:12:22,450
You should be defending
my honor, Michael,
311
00:12:22,452 --> 00:12:25,542
instead of sucking up
to Smokey the Bear.
312
00:12:25,535 --> 00:12:27,825
I don't even wanna talk
to you no more.
313
00:12:27,828 --> 00:12:30,458
Sir, are you
at DEFCON 1?
314
00:12:30,460 --> 00:12:32,170
Two.
Godspeed.
315
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:35,183
You're not going
to arrest me?
316
00:12:35,175 --> 00:12:37,135
No.
Please?
317
00:12:37,137 --> 00:12:39,047
Hit me with the taser.
Something.
318
00:12:46,306 --> 00:12:49,596
Okay. Okay, look,
there's a Porta-Potty
right up there.
319
00:12:49,599 --> 00:12:51,889
I'm not going
in a Porta-Potty.
320
00:12:51,892 --> 00:12:53,352
It's a historical one.
321
00:12:53,353 --> 00:12:56,163
That's where Nathan Hale
took his final dump.
322
00:12:56,156 --> 00:12:57,486
I'm not going
in that, Michael.
323
00:12:57,487 --> 00:12:59,817
Neither am I.
Okay.
324
00:12:59,820 --> 00:13:01,700
Fill her up.
325
00:13:01,701 --> 00:13:03,161
You can use
the tail to wipe.
326
00:13:03,163 --> 00:13:04,323
Very funny.
327
00:13:06,166 --> 00:13:08,326
All right. All right,
pull over to the side.
328
00:13:09,249 --> 00:13:10,749
(WHIMPERS)
329
00:13:12,502 --> 00:13:14,712
Hurry up!
330
00:13:14,714 --> 00:13:16,594
Okay, come on, Claire.
Come on.
331
00:13:19,509 --> 00:13:21,549
Hurry back.
332
00:13:21,551 --> 00:13:23,261
Get rid of this
damn mutton.
333
00:13:25,265 --> 00:13:27,845
And, Junior, if your
mother starts with that
Paul Revere crap,
334
00:13:27,848 --> 00:13:30,018
I want you to grab the wheel,
'cause I'm jumping out
of this car.
335
00:13:30,020 --> 00:13:31,310
Gotcha.
336
00:13:32,933 --> 00:13:35,493
Boy, that was quick.
It was filthy.
337
00:13:35,485 --> 00:13:37,145
So what?
338
00:13:37,147 --> 00:13:39,357
What are you gonna do,
open heart surgery?
It's just a bathroom.
339
00:13:39,359 --> 00:13:41,609
Michael, it looked like
somebody died in there.
340
00:13:41,611 --> 00:13:44,321
There was a chalk line
of a body around the hole.
341
00:13:44,324 --> 00:13:46,874
Could you please find me
a crime-free restroom?
342
00:13:46,867 --> 00:13:50,537
That was the most
disgusting, vile place
I've ever seen.
343
00:13:50,540 --> 00:13:52,580
It smelled like
a bag of old guts.
344
00:13:52,582 --> 00:13:55,462
I'm hungry.
345
00:13:55,455 --> 00:13:57,215
Whatever happened
to all that mutton?
346
00:13:57,217 --> 00:13:59,377
Oh, we ate that.
We chowed down
on the mutton.
347
00:13:59,379 --> 00:14:02,089
Oh, yeah?
Was it delicious, baby?
348
00:14:02,092 --> 00:14:04,462
Girl, I tell you,
I wish I had more.
349
00:14:04,464 --> 00:14:05,934
Lucky you.
350
00:14:05,926 --> 00:14:08,426
'Cause look what I found
on the side of the road.
351
00:14:09,849 --> 00:14:11,929
Some more mutton, huh?
Mmm-hmm.
352
00:14:11,932 --> 00:14:13,892
I'm a glutton
for that mutton.
353
00:14:15,395 --> 00:14:17,065
But you know what goes
good with that?
354
00:14:17,067 --> 00:14:19,147
What?
Some chicken,
355
00:14:19,149 --> 00:14:21,529
with mashed potatoes
and some corn on the cob.
That's what we're gonna have.
356
00:14:21,531 --> 00:14:24,611
And look at that.
Uncle Sammy's Chicken Place,
right up ahead.
357
00:14:30,580 --> 00:14:33,950
DISTORTED VOICE:
May I take your order?
358
00:14:33,954 --> 00:14:35,964
(ALL CLAMORING)
359
00:14:38,919 --> 00:14:41,339
Hot chocolate cake
with extra chocolate sauce.
360
00:14:42,632 --> 00:14:44,502
Is that it?
361
00:14:44,504 --> 00:14:46,854
You got all that?
362
00:14:46,846 --> 00:14:49,886
Okay, no...
I'd like two breasts.
363
00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:51,850
You know why?
364
00:14:51,851 --> 00:14:53,181
Oh.
365
00:14:53,183 --> 00:14:54,943
(LAUGHS)
I'm a breast man.
366
00:14:55,976 --> 00:14:57,606
Dad, that's not cute.
367
00:14:57,607 --> 00:15:01,187
First time
I heard that one.
368
00:15:01,191 --> 00:15:04,521
Drive to window two,
please.
369
00:15:04,524 --> 00:15:06,834
KADY: Make sure
they remember my toy.
370
00:15:06,826 --> 00:15:08,946
MICHAEL:
This is a chicken place.
They don't have toys.
371
00:15:08,949 --> 00:15:11,449
I want one.
372
00:15:11,451 --> 00:15:13,701
Hey, you might wanna get
that speaker box fixed,
back there.
373
00:15:13,703 --> 00:15:16,133
Makes your voice sound
(MUMBLING) like that.
374
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,297
(DISTORTED)
I'll tell the manager.
375
00:15:21,091 --> 00:15:22,381
Never mind.
376
00:15:22,382 --> 00:15:24,542
Who ordered
the two breasts?
377
00:15:24,544 --> 00:15:25,644
Oh, that was me.
378
00:15:25,635 --> 00:15:27,805
Sorry,
we're out of chicken.
379
00:15:27,807 --> 00:15:30,137
But this is
Sammy's Chicken Place.
380
00:15:30,140 --> 00:15:33,760
That's right.
What are we supposed
to be out of?
381
00:15:33,763 --> 00:15:34,813
Ham?
382
00:15:38,018 --> 00:15:40,108
(CLAIRE SOBS)
383
00:15:40,110 --> 00:15:41,650
What's the matter,
Claire?
384
00:15:42,232 --> 00:15:43,822
What...
385
00:15:43,823 --> 00:15:47,833
My fries are cold.
386
00:15:47,827 --> 00:15:50,367
You're crying over some
stupid potatoes?
387
00:15:50,370 --> 00:15:51,870
Michael.
What?
388
00:15:53,573 --> 00:15:56,463
Oh, well, give them
to Daddy, sweetie,
389
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:58,626
and I'll put 'em
on the heater
and heat 'em up.
390
00:15:58,628 --> 00:16:00,628
No. I don't want
'em anymore.
391
00:16:00,630 --> 00:16:02,840
They're cold and stale,
392
00:16:02,842 --> 00:16:07,182
like the swirling
winds of despair that
sweep through my soul.
393
00:16:08,048 --> 00:16:09,678
I'll eat 'em.
394
00:16:09,679 --> 00:16:11,849
(DISTORTED)
And I'll eat you.
395
00:16:11,851 --> 00:16:13,351
Dad, make her stop.
396
00:16:13,353 --> 00:16:15,063
Hey, where did you get
that thing from?
397
00:16:15,055 --> 00:16:16,935
It's my prize.
It was in my bag.
398
00:16:23,733 --> 00:16:25,453
New Hampshire.
399
00:16:31,031 --> 00:16:33,871
AUTOMATED VOICE: This is
the navigation system
operator. May I help you?
400
00:16:33,873 --> 00:16:35,213
(WHISPERS)
Yeah, I'm lost.
401
00:16:35,205 --> 00:16:36,995
I can't hear you.
402
00:16:37,377 --> 00:16:38,707
(MOANS)
403
00:16:38,708 --> 00:16:40,248
I said I'm lost.
404
00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:42,540
Why didn't you listen
to your wife?
405
00:16:44,384 --> 00:16:46,724
Michael, are we lost?
Hmm?
406
00:16:46,716 --> 00:16:47,796
No.
407
00:16:55,475 --> 00:16:58,725
What? We're not lost.
I know exactly
where we are.
408
00:16:58,728 --> 00:17:00,098
We are on this road.
409
00:17:00,100 --> 00:17:02,440
We just take this... Bing.
410
00:17:02,442 --> 00:17:05,492
Straight, and just keep
going until we get up
to other road,
411
00:17:05,485 --> 00:17:10,235
and cross back over,
and... Bing.
We're there.
412
00:17:12,822 --> 00:17:15,462
Okay, I'll speed up.
I'll make up a little time,
that's all.
413
00:17:15,455 --> 00:17:16,705
(SIREN WAILS)
414
00:17:18,748 --> 00:17:20,868
Why, good afternoon,
Officer.
415
00:17:20,870 --> 00:17:23,580
Do you have any idea
how fast you were going?
416
00:17:23,583 --> 00:17:25,553
Probably the speed limit.
About 55, huh?
417
00:17:25,545 --> 00:17:29,005
Try 75. Didn't you
feel all that wind
through your hair?
418
00:17:30,880 --> 00:17:33,720
Um, could you hurry it up.
We're on a historical journey.
419
00:17:33,723 --> 00:17:36,483
Jay. Shh.
Don't shush me.
420
00:17:36,476 --> 00:17:38,596
Have some respect
for the law.
421
00:17:38,598 --> 00:17:42,228
You were the one
flying down the highway
like a bat out of hell.
422
00:17:42,232 --> 00:17:43,392
Can I handle this, please?
423
00:17:43,393 --> 00:17:44,733
Go ahead. Handle it.
Handle it.
424
00:17:44,734 --> 00:17:47,864
Like you did the last cop.
Go ahead. Handle it.
425
00:17:47,857 --> 00:17:49,277
I'm gonna have to
give you a ticket.
426
00:17:49,279 --> 00:17:50,359
I understand.
What is it?
427
00:17:50,360 --> 00:17:51,650
A quota this weekend?
428
00:17:51,651 --> 00:17:53,691
Or is it the end
of your shift?
429
00:17:55,285 --> 00:17:57,825
She's a comedian.
That's what it is.
I'm...
430
00:17:57,827 --> 00:17:59,617
She's actually
driving up to Boston.
431
00:17:59,619 --> 00:18:01,579
She's opening at
Ye Olde Chuckle Barn.
432
00:18:01,581 --> 00:18:03,541
Yeah?
Give him a ticket.
433
00:18:03,543 --> 00:18:06,093
And that's
the opening act.
434
00:18:06,085 --> 00:18:08,755
Did you hear
the one about the guy
with the court date?
435
00:18:10,710 --> 00:18:11,970
Thanks a lot, Jay.
What?
436
00:18:11,971 --> 00:18:14,341
Thank you.
And, by the way,
437
00:18:14,344 --> 00:18:16,814
the tire on the
passenger side's
a little low.
438
00:18:20,930 --> 00:18:22,930
Baby, switching these
seats. This is silly.
439
00:18:22,932 --> 00:18:24,642
No, it isn't.
440
00:18:24,644 --> 00:18:26,534
Because this way
each tire will get
even wear
441
00:18:26,526 --> 00:18:29,646
under the strain
of my enormous weight.
442
00:18:29,649 --> 00:18:32,109
Oh, yeah,
and I might have
to drive home.
443
00:18:32,111 --> 00:18:34,321
Because I want to
make sure that
front left tire
444
00:18:34,324 --> 00:18:36,834
gets the benefit
of my bulbous booty.
445
00:18:38,658 --> 00:18:40,118
Okay, baby, whatever...
446
00:18:40,119 --> 00:18:42,079
Are you agreeing
with that?
447
00:18:42,081 --> 00:18:44,201
I know you just didn't
agree with that!
448
00:18:44,204 --> 00:18:47,254
No. Is there a right answer?
There's no right answer.
449
00:18:48,168 --> 00:18:50,628
This is so boring.
450
00:18:50,630 --> 00:18:52,250
You can say that again.
451
00:18:52,252 --> 00:18:54,342
This is so boring.
452
00:18:54,344 --> 00:18:55,974
Boring?
453
00:18:55,965 --> 00:18:57,965
Boring? You guys,
do you realize
the significance
454
00:18:57,967 --> 00:18:59,757
of where we are?
455
00:18:59,759 --> 00:19:03,349
A defiant act
of independence known
as the Boston Tea Party
456
00:19:03,353 --> 00:19:05,363
happened on
these very shores.
457
00:19:05,355 --> 00:19:07,525
On June 17th, 1775,
458
00:19:07,527 --> 00:19:10,647
the first major battle
between British
and American troops,
459
00:19:10,650 --> 00:19:13,730
known as the
Battle of Bunker Hill,
took place.
460
00:19:13,733 --> 00:19:15,033
And on April...
461
00:19:15,034 --> 00:19:17,544
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
I can't take any more!
462
00:19:17,537 --> 00:19:19,487
For the love of God,
stop talking!
463
00:19:20,950 --> 00:19:23,490
Junior, take cover.
It's about to get
ugly, Son.
464
00:19:23,493 --> 00:19:25,553
(BOTH YELLING INDISTINCTLY)
465
00:19:41,010 --> 00:19:47,070
No, no. But no, I didn't
get the pony I wanted
when I was five years old!
466
00:19:50,940 --> 00:19:53,150
BOTH: (CRYING)
I'm sorry!
467
00:19:53,152 --> 00:19:56,082
I'm sorry, baby!
468
00:19:59,158 --> 00:20:01,738
See, this is
why Siegfried and Roy
have separate cars.
469
00:20:04,994 --> 00:20:06,464
Are we there yet?
470
00:20:06,456 --> 00:20:07,706
Yes, we are.
471
00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:08,917
Oh.
472
00:20:10,460 --> 00:20:13,710
That is Paul Revere's house.
473
00:20:13,713 --> 00:20:15,263
Which one?
474
00:20:15,255 --> 00:20:17,385
The one behind
the sign that says,
475
00:20:17,387 --> 00:20:20,007
"Paul Revere's house
closed for his birthday."
476
00:20:20,930 --> 00:20:22,840
(WAILING)
477
00:20:30,650 --> 00:20:32,520
(ALL CRYING)
478
00:20:39,158 --> 00:20:41,118
And ye olde egg salad.
479
00:20:41,120 --> 00:20:45,540
Wow. That explains
why ye olde lifespan
was only 36 years.
480
00:20:45,535 --> 00:20:48,495
'Cause ye olde bowels
couldn't...
(STAMMERS) Okay.
481
00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:52,670
Where'd I drive through?
482
00:20:52,672 --> 00:20:54,172
Stamford, Connecticut.
Stamford, Connecticut.
483
00:20:54,173 --> 00:20:56,683
And why are the cars
moving back there?
484
00:20:56,676 --> 00:20:57,966
Are we still driving?
485
00:20:57,967 --> 00:20:59,297
JAY: Yeah.
I thought we
got pulled over.
486
00:20:59,299 --> 00:21:00,299
No.
34317
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