Original subtitles

All right, I want everybody dressed and in that car at 1900 hours,

which is exactly 15 minutes from now.

If you don't know, you better ask somebody.

Let's go. Let's get. Let's move!

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Sergeant Gomer Kyle!

What are you screaming about down here?

Jay, I don't want to be late to another event. Okay?

This is my cousin's wedding and it's important that we're being there on time.

You know the Kyle family is notorious for being late.

So what?

"So what?" Jay, my family already thinks we're highfalutin.

So what?

When you're late, Jay, it says that your time is more valuable than theirs.

It is. So what?

You know, it is always "so what" when it's my family.

But when it's your family, hey, stop the world. You better be on time.

You know, you even made me late for my cousin Leonard's funeral.

But, baby, you hated your cousin Leonard.

That's why I wanted to be early. I wanted to get there and just sit up front.

Will you please relax? I'm almost ready.

Unless you are Judge Judy or the Pope,

you got to do better than a robe.

Baby, I'm gonna wear a dress.

I'm just having trouble deciding which one.

No!

Jay Kyle indecisive about what to wear?

When has that ever happened before?

Why did they decide to get married at night in the dark anyway?

Because he's an insomniac and she's ugly.

Now, would you please just go get dressed?

All right. All right. Which one? The red or the black?

The black.

Thank you very much. I'll be wearing the red.

Why do you ask me for my opinion if you're just gonna pick the other thing?

Because I wanted a carefully considered opinion, Michael.

You just said the first thing that popped into that little bald head of yours!

Well, you know, that's because every time I say,

"Wear that." You wear this.

If I felt you actually gave it some real thought,

then maybe I would listen to you for once.

Fine. Next time, I will give it careful consideration.

But you have to wear what I say you should wear.

Okay, fine. Deal.

Okay. Now, could you please get dressed? Yes.

All right. Whoa!

Give it back, Junior.

No. Forget it. You lost the right to it.

Oh, hey, hey, what's going on here?

Junior took my nose and he won't give it back!

That's right. Because I told her if she ever messed with my CDs again,

I was gonna take her nose and throw it in the garbage disposal.

MICHAEL: Look... You better not!

Here it goes... (MUMBLING) Hey, hey, hey.

Junior, give her her nose back.

We don't have time for this.

Oh, come on, Dad, it's funny.

She actually thinks I got her nose.

It's not funny. You see that face? You see her smiling?

She's not laughing. It's not funny. Give her her nose back.

No can do.

Okay, fine. I got your ears.

(JUNIOR SCOFFS)

Come on, Dad. I'm 16. That trick doesn't work on me anymore.

(INAUDIBLE)

All right, all right, all right, all right, all right!

She can have her stupid nose back. Just give me my ears.

Here. There's your ears. You got them on? Are they on tight?

Yeah? Let me see. Can I check them out? Let me see.

(SCREAMING) Why the hell aren't you dressed?

Dad, I don't want to go.

I'm always uncomfortable when all the relatives get together.

And Aunt Evelyn's always squeezing my cheeks.

Well, just cover up your face.

Not those cheeks.

Look, Junior, we're going to this wedding whether you like it or not.

Now, go upstairs and get in the shower

because you smell like corn chips and ass!

I do not smell like corn chips.

Well, don't you look perfect?

You're gonna be the most beautiful flower girl at the wedding.

My butt itches.

As long as you keep your mouth shut.

Now, you sit there and don't get messed up.

Daddy, can I finish my chocolate pudding?

No, you're not gonna eat chocolate pudding in that pretty dress.

Please, Daddy!

No. No way.

Please! No.

I love you, Daddy.

Oh, all right.

But wait, let me put something on you first.

Yeah.

I want to see you try and get some pudding through that.

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Yeah, this is Michael Kyle.

I'm... I'm busy. No...

Oh, you're selling something? Could you call back at a more convenient hour?

Like maybe when I'm having a heart attack and on the toilet, huh?

JUNIOR: Dad! What?

I can't use the shower because Claire won't get out the bathroom.

Well, just use mine.

Hello... I tried but Mom's in there.

All right, I'll be up in a second. Look, I can't talk right now.

Uh, you know what? Why don't you talk to the decision making lady of the house?

Okay. There's this worm walking down the street...

CLAIRE: Go away, Junior.

It is not Junior. It's your father. Now, open the door,

and don't make that mistake again.

And what do you think you're wearing?

The invite said sexy casual.

Yeah? Well, that's slutty formal

and you're not wearing it.

(SCOFFS)

Get the fur ball out and change your dress and come out the bathroom

'cause the boy got to take a shower. (SCOFFS)

You (SCOFFS) one more time I'm gonna choke you for real.

Get in the bathroom, pigpen. You got six minutes. Let's go.

Oh, baby, you look great!

Thank you. You think so?

Yes, it's like an angel fell from heaven and transformed itself into this

perfect human being. Sweetie.

You ready? Let's go.

I'm almost done, Michael.

Which pocketbook do you think I should take?

Okay, you actually want my opinion?

Yes. If you're actually gonna give it some real thought, yes.

Okay. Come on.

All right. (MUMBLES)

Let me see. Let me just get a... Right.

Let me see that one. Uh-huh. Now, let me...

Gray one.

You sure? Absolutely.

And you gave it careful consideration?

Jay, I did The Thinker. I did this.

The only other time I do this is when I'm on the toilet. Look.

Okay. Then I have to change my dress.

No! No, I was kidding! How would you...

How would you think... Nope.

...I would pick the gray one? It don't even match your...

I hate gray!

I hate gray!

No, Michael, you can't change your mind. You can't do it over.

Oh, come on, Jay. We only have four minutes left.

All right. You know what, just put on whatever

you want to wear, and just hurry up. Let's go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Don't ever, ever, ever clap at me.

Don't clap?

What do I look like? A trained poodle?

Why don't you just set a hoop on fire?

Is that what you want for your wife, to be jumping through a flaming hoop?

Only if I could hold it up to the car door.

I'm not one of your children, Michael.

I said I was gonna be ready, I will be ready!

When? When I'm ready!

I'll be waiting downstairs. Thank you.

Hello? Hello?

She hung up.

Nice work.

Thank you, Daddy. I finished my pudding.

Well, good for you.

And I did what you said.

What... What did I say?

You said, "Try getting pudding through this." And I did.

Ta-da!

(GASPING)

I'm pretty good, huh?

Oh! Your mother's gonna kill me.

Come on. Come here. Come here.

What do I do? What can I do?

Okay. I got to think. Think, Michael, think, think, think.

Think. You gotta redesign the dress. Think gay.

(LISPING) I can do this. I'm strong. I'm strong.

I can do this.

We need some scissors... Fingers are stuck!

(GRUNTING)

Tape. Scissors. And a whole lot of luck.

Let's go. Snip here...

Will you sit still? You're squirming like a little guppy!

Snip here. A little cut. Little cut.

A little tape. I'm such a mess.

Cover up the boobies.

No one wants to see the mosquito bites!

Okay.

JLo, meet KLo.

Would you let Claire wear this?

(STOMPING FEET) Oh, you divas are so hard to please.

(GRUNTS)

(KADY GRUNTING)

Okay. Here. Get down. All right.

What do we have? Oh!

How about this pretty, pretty dress? No.

Okay, that sucks. Okay, what about this one?

No. No? What about this?

Goes with the skin tone.

It'll be nice, short... No? No.

Okay. You're starting to sound like your mother. What do you want to wear?

I don't know. I just want to look pretty.

Okay. Well, you know what? Then, you pick something out,

put it on in one minute, meet me back downstairs, okay?

All right. Dressed or not, the Kyle express is leaving this house

in exactly 10 seconds.

Nine seconds. Eight...

All right. All right. We're here already. ...seven, six, five...

Stop with the counting.

One, two... Where's that other one?

Kady, come on down. We'll dress you in the car. Come on!

KADY: But I'm done already.

Well, come on down.

Kady, what are you doing in your fairy costume?

I spilled pudding on the other one.

Well, who would be dumb enough to give her some chocolate pudding?

Yeah, who would? Boy, if I find out who did that...

Michael, she can't go like that.

Look at the... She's wearing wings!

It's okay. You wear wings, too.

Let's go. Let's just go.

All right. Out the door. Everybody out the door.

Y'all better put a move on it.

I'm gonna deduct money from your allowance for every second we're late.

You, too, Jay. Oh, shoot.

(EXHALES)

Okay. So, we're all ready. Everybody ready to go, right?

(ALL MUMBLING) Yes, for heaven's sake.

Okay. You got the directions? Give me the directions.

Oh, I knew there was something I forgot.

You forgot the directions?

Yes, Michael. I did. I forgot.

In all of your craziness, I forgot the directions.

See, Daddy wants Mommy to go to the electric chair

because Mommy forgot the directions!

Is it a capital crime, Michael?

No, it's not a capital crime.

It's the principle. That's what you do. You're navigator.

I'm Captain Kirk. You're Mr. Spock.

You're supposed to keep the ship on course.

Actually, that was Sulu's job.

Shut up before I beam my foot where no foot has been before.

All right, all right. You two just stop it.

I'm going to get the directions.

It'll take me two seconds. Will you hurry, hurry?

Hey, hey, hey with the clapping!

I was just cheering. Yay, Jay is coming back soon. Hurry, Jay!

Okay. I got them. Let's go.

Finally. Okay, guys, I want this to be a lesson to all of you.

Being punctual is all about planning and preparation.

Okay? You got to anticipate the little things.

All about the little things, like, keys. Them is little.

You seen my keys?

(IN SCOTTISH ACCENT) Without the key, she's got no power, Captain!

(GRUNTS)

(LAUGHING)

Okay. I'll be back in one minute.

Just stay in the car, okay?

As a matter of fact, you're in car prison.

You're incarcerated. Get it? Incarcerated.

(SIGHS) Keys, keys, where are the keys?

Keys. There they go.

What're you doing back in the house?

Kady cut the cheese.

So what?

It was Limburger.

All right, Kady, take off your seatbelt and come on!

No! No! We are too close to being on time for this to unravel.

It's a conspiracy. Come on.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

You're not the boss of me, Captain Ahab!

She had to go to the bathroom.

She sure does.

And besides, the car has to air out now.

Well, if it's so bad in there, why is Junior still sitting there?

I don't know. He's your son. Why don't you go ask him?

(CAR ALARM SOUNDING)

(GROANING) Oh!

(CAR ALARM SOUNDING)

(IMITATING CAR ENGINE)

(ALARM STOPS)

Okay, this isn't my fault. All I did was turn on the radio.

And touched those two wires together.

What is the smell in here?

Kady pooted.

It smells more like she decomposed.

So, are the women coming back?

I hope so.

Look, you stay here. Roll these windows down, let the car air out.

I'll be back in one minute. Do not move.

And, son, this... This smell, it don't... It don't bother you at all?

No. It reminds me of a simpler time.

Hey, hey, hey, hey. Who was that on the phone?

Oh, it was Erica. I've got to go change.

Oh, no, no, no, no. We're way too late for that. Come on, let's go.

But I just found out that Erica's wearing the exact same dress.

We'll look like dorky twins!

No, no. You won't. You're so much more beautiful than she is.

Oh, yeah. You're right.

Well, I'll just go put on a sweater. It'll just take me a second.

No, it's not gonna take you a second. You lie.

You lie just like...

Just like who? She lies like who?

Her brother. He a liar.

You know, Michael, you've been stressing me out so badly,

I almost forgot my earrings.

Now, which earrings should I wear?

(SIGHS)

Lord, please guide my hand in this impossible choice.

Right there.

The studs?

Yeah. That's what the Lord said. Studs.

You sure? You chose wisely.

Thank you, God.

Now, all I have to do is change my shoes to match the studs.

Well, just hurry up. Come on.

I killed a fly. Fly...

Boy, that must have been some poop. Did you blow your foot off?

No, Daddy.

Then where's your shoe?

I have no idea.

Okay. Let's retrace your steps.

Number one, did you go in your room? No.

Okay. Number two. Did you go in the bathroom? Yes.

Okay, number three. In the bathroom, what did you do?

Number two. Number two?

Number two. Okay, so, the answer to number three is number two.

I did number one, too.

Okay. So, the answer to number three is number one and number two, too.

I have no idea.

Neither do I. Okay, you sit here.

And Daddy wants you to show me exactly what you did in that bathroom.

No! No, no, not...

With your feet. What did you do with your feet?

I was kicking my legs like this. Right.

And my shoe flew off.

I think I know where that other shoe is. Come on.

Here you go. Good as new. Go ahead. Put that on.

I'm not gonna wear that.

Why not? It's clean. It's got even the blue stuff in it.

Daddy!

You know what? Whatever your next favorite pair of shoes are,

put them on and let's go, please.

JAY: Michael, we're ready.

Oh, great. Now, your mother's rushing me. We must really be late.

Come on, Dad. You're holding us up.

Yeah, Michael. We're waiting on you. Come on, boy. Come on!

Come on!

Okay, Jay. See, I don't mind that.

I look at it as applause for being on time.

Which we actually are, because I built in a 10 minute cushion

knowing that you guys would be late.

That is very clever. Where is Kady?

Baby, why are you wearing your cowboy boots?

Daddy said I could wear my second favorite pair of boots and these are them.

Honey, she can't go to the wedding like that.

Why not? She looks good. Like K.D. Lang. It's okay.

Come on, let's go. Everybody out the door.

No, not the kitchen. Too many distractions. Let's go out the front door.

Let's go. No looking left or right. Just forward movement.

Let's go. Let's march, kids. March.

(MICHAEL SHOUTING MARCHING ORDERS)

Turn around.

And fall in.

All right. Okay.

We all ready?

Yes. No, we're not. Where's Junior?

(BEEPING)

And what's that?

Sounded like the microwave.

The micro...

All right. You know what? Y'all please stay in the car and don't move

because if you do, I promise I will make your life a living hell.

Hey. Huh?

You're off to a good start.

I married a comedian.

(WHISTLING)

What're you doing in here?

I got hungry. So, I made a tuna-melt.

Want a bite?

Yeah. I want to bite your head off.

Now, put the sandwich down and get back in the car, fish-breath.

Dad. What?

Can I talk to you?

Now? Yeah.

Right now, you want to have a discussion?

You want to talk when we're supposed to be in the car on our way somewhere?

Now is the time you want to talk to me?

It's important.

What is it, son?

I don't like how you deal with me.

What do you mean you don't like how I deal, what?

You make fun of me a lot.

You call me stupid, and bighead, and stuff like that.

And I try to shrug it off and mostly I succeed, but it's humiliating.

They're jokes. They're supposed to be humiliating.

It's just me teasing you.

Dad, you said yourself that it's not funny if no one's laughing.

Well, see this face? I'm not laughing.

That's the real reason I don't want to go to this wedding.

There's always some point at these functions

where you take out the measuring tape and compare my head to the centerpiece.

Okay, fine. I won't do that joke.

It's just that it's hard enough being 16,

without your dad thinking you're a dummy.

I don't think you're a dummy, son.

I just think sometimes you make some really dumb decisions.

Well, maybe sometimes I don't make the best choices.

You mean, like, coming in here to make a tuna-melt

when we're supposed to be somewhere?

Yeah. Or, like last month

when you peed out the window 'cause you didn't want to go to the bathroom?

That wasn't my fault. I didn't know you guys were still outside.

You know, we still can't grow anything in that area.

Look, son. I'm gonna make a deal with you.

From now on, I want you to start thinking about what you do before you do it.

And I, in turn, will start thinking about what I say to you before I say it.

Deal?

Deal.

You know, I really do love you.

I love you, too, Dad.

(PHONE RINGING) Come on.

I'll get it. No, no, no, no, no. You leave that.

That's probably some salesperson.

Come on, we could still make the "I dos."

No, hold on. What?

I get hungry. Okay.

Finally!

Hi, I'm Michael Kyle and you've reached the Kyle residence.

Please leave a message.

(ANSWER MACHINE BEEPING)

Michael, this your Aunt Evelyn. Hey, pick up.

I know you ain't left yet.

Well, anyhoo. The wedding's been canceled.

Your cousin got stood up by the ugly girl.

Jay, the notorious family's already...

I just wanted to entertain them.

(STAMMERING) Why do these people have to decide

to get married at night in the dark anyway?

You want to say that again? Yeah!

Why do these people have to decide to get married in the night and in the... Yeah!