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1
00:00:02,623 --> 00:00:06,763
All right, I want everybody
dressed and in that car
at 1900 hours,
2
00:00:06,757 --> 00:00:08,967
which is exactly
15 minutes from now.
3
00:00:08,969 --> 00:00:10,889
If you don't know,
you better ask somebody.
4
00:00:10,891 --> 00:00:12,551
Let's go. Let's get.
Let's move!
5
00:00:12,553 --> 00:00:15,103
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Sergeant Gomer Kyle!
6
00:00:15,096 --> 00:00:17,016
What are you screaming
about down here?
7
00:00:17,017 --> 00:00:20,307
Jay, I don't want to be late
to another event. Okay?
8
00:00:20,311 --> 00:00:23,851
This is my cousin's wedding
and it's important that
we're being there on time.
9
00:00:23,854 --> 00:00:26,204
You know the Kyle family
is notorious for being late.
10
00:00:26,197 --> 00:00:27,987
So what?
11
00:00:27,988 --> 00:00:31,818
"So what?"
Jay, my family already
thinks we're highfalutin.
12
00:00:31,822 --> 00:00:33,992
So what?
13
00:00:33,994 --> 00:00:37,924
When you're late, Jay,
it says that your time is
more valuable than theirs.
14
00:00:37,918 --> 00:00:40,158
It is. So what?
15
00:00:40,161 --> 00:00:43,211
You know, it is always
"so what" when
it's my family.
16
00:00:43,214 --> 00:00:48,224
But when it's your family,
hey, stop the world.
You better be on time.
17
00:00:48,219 --> 00:00:50,759
You know, you even
made me late for my
cousin Leonard's funeral.
18
00:00:50,761 --> 00:00:52,631
But, baby, you hated
your cousin Leonard.
19
00:00:52,633 --> 00:00:55,733
That's why I wanted to
be early. I wanted to get
there and just sit up front.
20
00:00:57,978 --> 00:01:00,678
Will you please relax?
I'm almost ready.
21
00:01:00,681 --> 00:01:02,731
Unless you are Judge Judy
or the Pope,
22
00:01:02,733 --> 00:01:04,693
you got to do better
than a robe.
23
00:01:05,736 --> 00:01:07,396
Baby, I'm gonna
wear a dress.
24
00:01:07,398 --> 00:01:09,688
I'm just having trouble
deciding which one.
25
00:01:09,690 --> 00:01:10,900
No!
26
00:01:12,863 --> 00:01:15,753
Jay Kyle indecisive
about what to wear?
27
00:01:15,746 --> 00:01:17,656
When has that
ever happened before?
28
00:01:17,658 --> 00:01:20,328
Why did they decide to
get married at night
in the dark anyway?
29
00:01:20,331 --> 00:01:22,871
Because he's an insomniac
and she's ugly.
30
00:01:26,707 --> 00:01:28,587
Now, would you please
just go get dressed?
31
00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:30,709
All right. All right.
Which one?
The red or the black?
32
00:01:30,711 --> 00:01:32,171
The black.
33
00:01:32,173 --> 00:01:34,563
Thank you very much.
I'll be wearing the red.
34
00:01:34,555 --> 00:01:37,475
Why do you ask me for
my opinion if you're just
gonna pick the other thing?
35
00:01:37,478 --> 00:01:40,678
Because I wanted
a carefully considered
opinion, Michael.
36
00:01:40,681 --> 00:01:44,571
You just said the first thing
that popped into that little
bald head of yours!
37
00:01:44,565 --> 00:01:46,395
Well, you know, that's
because every time I say,
38
00:01:46,397 --> 00:01:48,107
"Wear that."
You wear this.
39
00:01:48,108 --> 00:01:50,528
If I felt you actually
gave it some real thought,
40
00:01:50,531 --> 00:01:52,401
then maybe I would listen
to you for once.
41
00:01:52,403 --> 00:01:54,663
Fine. Next time,
I will give it
careful consideration.
42
00:01:54,655 --> 00:01:56,405
But you have to wear
what I say you should wear.
43
00:01:56,407 --> 00:01:57,787
Okay, fine. Deal.
44
00:01:57,788 --> 00:01:59,658
Okay. Now, could you
please get dressed?
Yes.
45
00:01:59,660 --> 00:02:03,410
All right. Whoa!
46
00:02:03,414 --> 00:02:05,214
Give it back,
Junior.
47
00:02:05,206 --> 00:02:06,586
No. Forget it.
You lost the right to it.
48
00:02:06,587 --> 00:02:08,247
Oh, hey, hey,
what's going on here?
49
00:02:08,249 --> 00:02:11,009
Junior took my nose
and he won't give it back!
50
00:02:11,011 --> 00:02:13,751
That's right. Because
I told her if she ever
messed with my CDs again,
51
00:02:13,754 --> 00:02:16,684
I was gonna take her nose
and throw it in
the garbage disposal.
52
00:02:16,677 --> 00:02:18,257
MICHAEL: Look...
You better not!
53
00:02:18,259 --> 00:02:20,259
Here it goes...
(MUMBLING)
Hey, hey, hey.
54
00:02:20,261 --> 00:02:21,931
Junior, give her
her nose back.
55
00:02:21,932 --> 00:02:23,102
We don't have
time for this.
56
00:02:23,103 --> 00:02:24,903
Oh, come on, Dad,
it's funny.
57
00:02:24,895 --> 00:02:27,475
She actually
thinks I got her nose.
58
00:02:27,478 --> 00:02:30,528
It's not funny.
You see that face?
You see her smiling?
59
00:02:30,531 --> 00:02:33,941
She's not laughing.
It's not funny.
Give her her nose back.
60
00:02:34,615 --> 00:02:35,735
No can do.
61
00:02:35,736 --> 00:02:37,826
Okay, fine.
I got your ears.
62
00:02:38,489 --> 00:02:39,909
(JUNIOR SCOFFS)
63
00:02:39,910 --> 00:02:43,780
Come on, Dad. I'm 16.
That trick doesn't work
on me anymore.
64
00:02:43,784 --> 00:02:45,174
(INAUDIBLE)
65
00:02:46,667 --> 00:02:48,787
All right, all right,
all right, all right,
all right!
66
00:02:48,789 --> 00:02:52,129
She can have
her stupid nose back.
Just give me my ears.
67
00:02:52,132 --> 00:02:55,562
Here. There's your ears.
You got them on?
Are they on tight?
68
00:02:55,556 --> 00:02:58,176
Yeah? Let me see.
Can I check them out?
Let me see.
69
00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:00,348
(SCREAMING) Why the hell
aren't you dressed?
70
00:03:01,352 --> 00:03:03,142
Dad, I don't want to go.
71
00:03:03,143 --> 00:03:05,073
I'm always uncomfortable
when all the relatives
get together.
72
00:03:05,065 --> 00:03:07,105
And Aunt Evelyn's always
squeezing my cheeks.
73
00:03:07,107 --> 00:03:08,647
Well, just cover up
your face.
74
00:03:08,649 --> 00:03:11,359
Not those cheeks.
75
00:03:11,362 --> 00:03:16,082
Look, Junior, we're going
to this wedding whether
you like it or not.
76
00:03:16,076 --> 00:03:18,486
Now, go upstairs
and get in the shower
77
00:03:18,489 --> 00:03:21,449
because you smell
like corn chips and ass!
78
00:03:23,534 --> 00:03:25,674
I do not smell
like corn chips.
79
00:03:27,788 --> 00:03:29,918
Well, don't you
look perfect?
80
00:03:29,920 --> 00:03:33,170
You're gonna be the most
beautiful flower girl
at the wedding.
81
00:03:33,173 --> 00:03:34,803
My butt itches.
82
00:03:36,547 --> 00:03:39,887
As long as you keep
your mouth shut.
83
00:03:39,890 --> 00:03:42,800
Now, you sit there
and don't get messed up.
84
00:03:42,803 --> 00:03:44,983
Daddy, can I finish
my chocolate pudding?
85
00:03:44,975 --> 00:03:49,015
No, you're not gonna eat
chocolate pudding in that
pretty dress.
86
00:03:49,019 --> 00:03:50,229
Please, Daddy!
87
00:03:50,230 --> 00:03:51,770
No. No way.
88
00:03:51,772 --> 00:03:53,352
Please!
No.
89
00:03:53,354 --> 00:03:55,454
I love you, Daddy.
90
00:03:57,358 --> 00:03:59,858
Oh, all right.
91
00:03:59,860 --> 00:04:02,530
But wait, let me put
something on you first.
92
00:04:07,077 --> 00:04:08,747
Yeah.
93
00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:12,369
I want to see you try
and get some pudding
through that.
94
00:04:12,373 --> 00:04:13,963
(PHONE RINGING)
95
00:04:17,217 --> 00:04:20,217
Hello? Yeah,
this is Michael Kyle.
96
00:04:20,220 --> 00:04:22,260
I'm... I'm busy. No...
97
00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:25,062
Oh, you're selling something?
Could you call back at
a more convenient hour?
98
00:04:25,055 --> 00:04:29,555
Like maybe when
I'm having a heart attack
and on the toilet, huh?
99
00:04:29,560 --> 00:04:31,230
JUNIOR: Dad!
What?
100
00:04:31,231 --> 00:04:33,891
I can't use the shower
because Claire won't
get out the bathroom.
101
00:04:33,894 --> 00:04:35,074
Well, just use mine.
102
00:04:35,065 --> 00:04:37,395
Hello...
I tried but Mom's in there.
103
00:04:37,398 --> 00:04:40,158
All right, I'll be up
in a second. Look,
I can't talk right now.
104
00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:44,240
Uh, you know what? Why don't
you talk to the decision
making lady of the house?
105
00:04:46,747 --> 00:04:51,207
Okay. There's this worm
walking down the street...
106
00:04:51,211 --> 00:04:53,001
CLAIRE: Go away, Junior.
107
00:04:53,003 --> 00:04:55,473
It is not Junior.
It's your father.
Now, open the door,
108
00:04:55,466 --> 00:04:57,296
and don't make that
mistake again.
109
00:04:59,510 --> 00:05:01,340
And what do you think
you're wearing?
110
00:05:01,342 --> 00:05:03,552
The invite said
sexy casual.
111
00:05:03,554 --> 00:05:05,104
Yeah? Well,
that's slutty formal
112
00:05:05,095 --> 00:05:06,725
and you're not
wearing it.
113
00:05:06,727 --> 00:05:08,887
(SCOFFS)
114
00:05:08,889 --> 00:05:10,729
Get the fur ball out
and change your dress
and come out the bathroom
115
00:05:10,731 --> 00:05:12,691
'cause the boy
got to take a shower.
(SCOFFS)
116
00:05:12,693 --> 00:05:15,243
You (SCOFFS) one more time
I'm gonna choke you for real.
117
00:05:18,198 --> 00:05:21,068
Get in the bathroom, pigpen.
You got six minutes. Let's go.
118
00:05:32,373 --> 00:05:35,463
Oh, baby,
you look great!
119
00:05:35,456 --> 00:05:37,666
Thank you.
You think so?
120
00:05:37,668 --> 00:05:40,668
Yes, it's like an angel fell
from heaven and transformed
itself into this
121
00:05:40,671 --> 00:05:42,801
perfect human being.
Sweetie.
122
00:05:42,803 --> 00:05:44,093
You ready? Let's go.
123
00:05:45,766 --> 00:05:47,266
I'm almost done, Michael.
124
00:05:47,267 --> 00:05:49,347
Which pocketbook
do you think
I should take?
125
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:50,769
Okay, you actually
want my opinion?
126
00:05:50,771 --> 00:05:53,561
Yes. If you're actually
gonna give it some
real thought, yes.
127
00:05:53,564 --> 00:05:54,654
Okay.
Come on.
128
00:05:54,645 --> 00:05:57,815
All right. (MUMBLES)
129
00:05:57,818 --> 00:05:59,528
Let me see. Let me
just get a... Right.
130
00:05:59,530 --> 00:06:02,030
Let me see that one.
Uh-huh. Now, let me...
131
00:06:07,788 --> 00:06:09,488
Gray one.
132
00:06:09,490 --> 00:06:10,950
You sure?
Absolutely.
133
00:06:10,951 --> 00:06:12,411
And you gave it
careful consideration?
134
00:06:12,413 --> 00:06:14,843
Jay, I did The Thinker.
I did this.
135
00:06:14,835 --> 00:06:18,125
The only other time
I do this is when I'm
on the toilet. Look.
136
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,210
Okay. Then I have to
change my dress.
137
00:06:22,212 --> 00:06:24,132
No! No, I was kidding!
How would you...
138
00:06:24,134 --> 00:06:25,684
How would
you think...
Nope.
139
00:06:25,676 --> 00:06:27,306
...I would pick the gray one?
It don't even match your...
140
00:06:27,307 --> 00:06:28,467
I hate gray!
141
00:06:28,469 --> 00:06:30,719
I hate gray!
142
00:06:30,721 --> 00:06:33,971
No, Michael,
you can't change your mind.
You can't do it over.
143
00:06:33,974 --> 00:06:37,984
Oh, come on, Jay.
We only have
four minutes left.
144
00:06:37,978 --> 00:06:39,478
All right. You know what,
just put on whatever
145
00:06:39,480 --> 00:06:40,980
you want to wear,
and just hurry up.
Let's go.
146
00:06:40,981 --> 00:06:44,701
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa! Don't ever, ever,
ever clap at me.
147
00:06:44,695 --> 00:06:45,825
Don't clap?
148
00:06:47,578 --> 00:06:49,448
What do I look like?
A trained poodle?
149
00:06:49,450 --> 00:06:51,490
Why don't you just
set a hoop on fire?
150
00:06:51,492 --> 00:06:53,662
Is that what you want for
your wife, to be jumping
through a flaming hoop?
151
00:06:53,664 --> 00:06:57,174
Only if I could hold it up
to the car door.
152
00:06:57,167 --> 00:06:59,667
I'm not one of
your children, Michael.
153
00:06:59,670 --> 00:07:01,710
I said I was
gonna be ready,
I will be ready!
154
00:07:01,712 --> 00:07:04,422
When?
When I'm ready!
155
00:07:04,424 --> 00:07:07,014
I'll be
waiting downstairs.
Thank you.
156
00:07:08,969 --> 00:07:11,259
Hello? Hello?
157
00:07:12,102 --> 00:07:13,892
She hung up.
158
00:07:13,894 --> 00:07:15,364
Nice work.
159
00:07:15,355 --> 00:07:18,515
Thank you, Daddy.
I finished my pudding.
160
00:07:18,519 --> 00:07:19,689
Well, good for you.
161
00:07:19,690 --> 00:07:21,110
And I did
what you said.
162
00:07:22,563 --> 00:07:24,703
What... What did I say?
163
00:07:24,695 --> 00:07:27,945
You said, "Try getting
pudding through this."
And I did.
164
00:07:28,489 --> 00:07:29,779
Ta-da!
165
00:07:29,780 --> 00:07:31,120
(GASPING)
166
00:07:32,072 --> 00:07:33,782
I'm pretty good, huh?
167
00:07:33,784 --> 00:07:35,294
Oh! Your mother's
gonna kill me.
168
00:07:35,285 --> 00:07:37,205
Come on. Come here.
Come here.
169
00:07:38,288 --> 00:07:39,918
What do I do?
What can I do?
170
00:07:39,920 --> 00:07:43,080
Okay. I got to think.
Think, Michael, think,
think, think.
171
00:07:43,083 --> 00:07:47,353
Think. You gotta redesign
the dress. Think gay.
172
00:07:47,347 --> 00:07:49,757
(LISPING) I can do this.
I'm strong. I'm strong.
173
00:07:49,760 --> 00:07:51,510
I can do this.
174
00:07:51,512 --> 00:07:54,692
We need some scissors...
Fingers are stuck!
175
00:07:55,395 --> 00:07:56,595
(GRUNTING)
176
00:07:56,597 --> 00:08:00,147
Tape. Scissors.
And a whole lot of luck.
177
00:08:01,481 --> 00:08:03,231
Let's go.
Snip here...
178
00:08:03,233 --> 00:08:05,953
Will you sit still?
You're squirming like
a little guppy!
179
00:08:07,197 --> 00:08:10,487
Snip here. A little cut.
Little cut.
180
00:08:11,451 --> 00:08:14,751
A little tape.
I'm such a mess.
181
00:08:16,997 --> 00:08:19,167
Cover up the boobies.
182
00:08:19,169 --> 00:08:21,999
No one wants
to see the mosquito bites!
183
00:08:22,002 --> 00:08:23,382
Okay.
184
00:08:23,383 --> 00:08:25,263
JLo, meet KLo.
185
00:08:31,181 --> 00:08:33,341
Would you let
Claire wear this?
186
00:08:33,343 --> 00:08:35,853
(STOMPING FEET)
Oh, you divas are
so hard to please.
187
00:08:37,137 --> 00:08:38,397
(GRUNTS)
188
00:08:43,023 --> 00:08:44,573
(KADY GRUNTING)
189
00:08:46,947 --> 00:08:49,607
Okay. Here. Get down.
All right.
190
00:08:50,450 --> 00:08:52,570
What do we have? Oh!
191
00:08:52,573 --> 00:08:55,083
How about this
pretty, pretty dress?
No.
192
00:08:55,075 --> 00:08:58,075
Okay, that sucks.
Okay, what about
this one?
193
00:08:58,078 --> 00:08:59,538
No.
No? What about this?
194
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:00,659
Goes with
the skin tone.
195
00:09:00,661 --> 00:09:02,501
It'll be nice,
short... No?
No.
196
00:09:02,502 --> 00:09:04,422
Okay. You're starting
to sound like your mother.
What do you want to wear?
197
00:09:04,424 --> 00:09:05,974
I don't know.
I just want
to look pretty.
198
00:09:05,966 --> 00:09:08,126
Okay. Well, you know what?
Then, you pick something out,
199
00:09:08,128 --> 00:09:10,758
put it on in one minute,
meet me back downstairs,
okay?
200
00:09:16,346 --> 00:09:19,226
All right. Dressed or not,
the Kyle express is
leaving this house
201
00:09:19,229 --> 00:09:21,269
in exactly 10 seconds.
202
00:09:21,271 --> 00:09:23,061
Nine seconds. Eight...
203
00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:25,113
All right. All right.
We're here already.
...seven, six, five...
204
00:09:25,105 --> 00:09:26,895
Stop with the counting.
205
00:09:26,897 --> 00:09:31,277
One, two...
Where's that other one?
206
00:09:31,281 --> 00:09:34,281
Kady, come on down.
We'll dress you
in the car. Come on!
207
00:09:34,284 --> 00:09:35,914
KADY: But I'm
done already.
208
00:09:35,906 --> 00:09:37,196
Well, come on down.
209
00:09:40,120 --> 00:09:42,870
Kady, what are you doing
in your fairy costume?
210
00:09:42,873 --> 00:09:44,803
I spilled pudding
on the other one.
211
00:09:44,795 --> 00:09:49,585
Well, who would be
dumb enough to give her
some chocolate pudding?
212
00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:53,209
Yeah, who would?
Boy, if I find out
who did that...
213
00:09:54,594 --> 00:09:56,434
Michael, she can't go
like that.
214
00:09:56,426 --> 00:09:58,426
Look at the...
She's wearing wings!
215
00:09:58,428 --> 00:10:00,428
It's okay.
You wear wings, too.
216
00:10:04,645 --> 00:10:06,605
Let's go.
Let's just go.
217
00:10:06,606 --> 00:10:09,146
All right. Out the door.
Everybody out the door.
218
00:10:10,691 --> 00:10:12,441
Y'all better
put a move on it.
219
00:10:12,442 --> 00:10:15,952
I'm gonna deduct money
from your allowance for
every second we're late.
220
00:10:15,946 --> 00:10:17,576
You, too, Jay.
Oh, shoot.
221
00:10:23,243 --> 00:10:24,503
(EXHALES)
222
00:10:27,247 --> 00:10:30,457
Okay. So, we're all ready.
Everybody ready to go, right?
223
00:10:30,460 --> 00:10:31,800
(ALL MUMBLING)
Yes, for heaven's sake.
224
00:10:31,802 --> 00:10:33,672
Okay.
You got the directions?
Give me the directions.
225
00:10:33,674 --> 00:10:35,354
Oh, I knew there was
something I forgot.
226
00:10:35,345 --> 00:10:37,305
You forgot
the directions?
227
00:10:37,307 --> 00:10:40,017
Yes, Michael.
I did. I forgot.
228
00:10:40,020 --> 00:10:42,310
In all of your craziness,
I forgot the directions.
229
00:10:42,312 --> 00:10:44,732
See, Daddy wants Mommy
to go to the electric chair
230
00:10:44,725 --> 00:10:47,065
because Mommy
forgot the directions!
231
00:10:47,067 --> 00:10:48,477
Is it a capital crime,
Michael?
232
00:10:48,478 --> 00:10:51,898
No, it's not
a capital crime.
233
00:10:51,902 --> 00:10:55,042
It's the principle.
That's what you do.
You're navigator.
234
00:10:55,035 --> 00:10:56,985
I'm Captain Kirk.
You're Mr. Spock.
235
00:10:56,987 --> 00:10:59,487
You're supposed to keep
the ship on course.
236
00:10:59,489 --> 00:11:01,409
Actually,
that was Sulu's job.
237
00:11:03,203 --> 00:11:07,173
Shut up before I beam
my foot where no foot
has been before.
238
00:11:07,167 --> 00:11:09,377
All right, all right.
You two just stop it.
239
00:11:09,379 --> 00:11:11,089
I'm going to get
the directions.
240
00:11:11,091 --> 00:11:12,341
It'll take me two seconds.
Will you hurry, hurry?
241
00:11:12,342 --> 00:11:13,962
Hey, hey, hey
with the clapping!
242
00:11:13,964 --> 00:11:18,354
I was just cheering.
Yay, Jay is coming
back soon. Hurry, Jay!
243
00:11:26,016 --> 00:11:28,606
Okay. I got them.
Let's go.
244
00:11:28,608 --> 00:11:33,018
Finally. Okay, guys,
I want this to be
a lesson to all of you.
245
00:11:33,023 --> 00:11:36,743
Being punctual is all about
planning and preparation.
246
00:11:36,737 --> 00:11:40,027
Okay? You got
to anticipate
the little things.
247
00:11:40,030 --> 00:11:44,240
All about the little
things, like, keys.
Them is little.
248
00:11:45,035 --> 00:11:46,705
You seen my keys?
249
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:49,376
(IN SCOTTISH ACCENT) Without
the key, she's got no power,
Captain!
250
00:11:50,961 --> 00:11:52,251
(GRUNTS)
251
00:11:52,252 --> 00:11:53,792
(LAUGHING)
252
00:11:55,175 --> 00:11:57,255
Okay. I'll be back
in one minute.
253
00:11:57,257 --> 00:11:58,717
Just stay
in the car, okay?
254
00:11:58,718 --> 00:12:01,048
As a matter of fact,
you're in car prison.
255
00:12:01,051 --> 00:12:04,181
You're incarcerated.
Get it? Incarcerated.
256
00:12:07,397 --> 00:12:10,897
(SIGHS) Keys, keys,
where are the keys?
257
00:12:11,812 --> 00:12:13,192
Keys. There they go.
258
00:12:15,525 --> 00:12:16,985
What're you doing
back in the house?
259
00:12:16,987 --> 00:12:18,527
Kady cut the cheese.
260
00:12:20,821 --> 00:12:21,911
So what?
261
00:12:21,912 --> 00:12:24,242
It was Limburger.
262
00:12:24,244 --> 00:12:26,924
All right, Kady,
take off your seatbelt
and come on!
263
00:12:26,917 --> 00:12:30,917
No! No! We are too close
to being on time
for this to unravel.
264
00:12:30,921 --> 00:12:32,581
It's a conspiracy.
Come on.
265
00:12:32,582 --> 00:12:34,292
Go, go, go, go, go, go,
go, go, go, go.
266
00:12:34,294 --> 00:12:37,144
You're not the boss
of me, Captain Ahab!
267
00:12:37,137 --> 00:12:38,427
She had to go
to the bathroom.
268
00:12:38,428 --> 00:12:39,758
She sure does.
269
00:12:41,591 --> 00:12:43,641
And besides, the car
has to air out now.
270
00:12:43,643 --> 00:12:46,273
Well, if it's so bad
in there, why is Junior
still sitting there?
271
00:12:46,266 --> 00:12:49,266
I don't know. He's your son.
Why don't you go ask him?
272
00:12:49,269 --> 00:12:50,559
(CAR ALARM SOUNDING)
273
00:12:50,560 --> 00:12:51,770
(GROANING) Oh!
274
00:12:55,065 --> 00:12:56,815
(CAR ALARM SOUNDING)
275
00:12:56,817 --> 00:12:58,607
(IMITATING CAR ENGINE)
276
00:13:02,612 --> 00:13:03,902
(ALARM STOPS)
277
00:13:05,535 --> 00:13:09,535
Okay, this isn't my fault.
All I did was turn on
the radio.
278
00:13:09,539 --> 00:13:11,459
And touched those
two wires together.
279
00:13:13,253 --> 00:13:15,553
What is the smell
in here?
280
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:18,046
Kady pooted.
281
00:13:18,048 --> 00:13:20,218
It smells more like
she decomposed.
282
00:13:21,471 --> 00:13:23,131
So, are the women
coming back?
283
00:13:23,133 --> 00:13:24,803
I hope so.
284
00:13:24,804 --> 00:13:27,354
Look, you stay here.
Roll these windows down,
let the car air out.
285
00:13:27,347 --> 00:13:30,057
I'll be back in one minute.
Do not move.
286
00:13:33,143 --> 00:13:37,573
And, son, this...
This smell, it don't...
It don't bother you at all?
287
00:13:37,567 --> 00:13:40,987
No. It reminds me
of a simpler time.
288
00:13:47,617 --> 00:13:49,537
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Who was that on the phone?
289
00:13:49,539 --> 00:13:51,249
Oh, it was Erica.
I've got to go change.
290
00:13:51,251 --> 00:13:54,451
Oh, no, no, no, no.
We're way too late for that.
Come on, let's go.
291
00:13:54,454 --> 00:13:57,264
But I just found out that
Erica's wearing the exact
same dress.
292
00:13:57,257 --> 00:13:58,837
We'll look like
dorky twins!
293
00:13:58,838 --> 00:14:01,718
No, no. You won't.
You're so much more
beautiful than she is.
294
00:14:01,721 --> 00:14:05,181
Oh, yeah.
You're right.
295
00:14:05,175 --> 00:14:07,265
Well, I'll just go put
on a sweater. It'll just
take me a second.
296
00:14:07,267 --> 00:14:09,637
No, it's not gonna take
you a second. You lie.
297
00:14:09,639 --> 00:14:11,019
You lie just like...
298
00:14:11,021 --> 00:14:12,181
Just like who?
She lies like who?
299
00:14:12,182 --> 00:14:13,732
Her brother. He a liar.
300
00:14:15,815 --> 00:14:18,355
You know, Michael,
you've been stressing
me out so badly,
301
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:20,188
I almost forgot
my earrings.
302
00:14:20,190 --> 00:14:22,980
Now, which earrings
should I wear?
303
00:14:22,983 --> 00:14:24,193
(SIGHS)
304
00:14:28,118 --> 00:14:32,408
Lord, please guide my hand
in this impossible choice.
305
00:14:34,955 --> 00:14:36,625
Right there.
306
00:14:36,626 --> 00:14:38,586
The studs?
307
00:14:38,588 --> 00:14:40,548
Yeah. That's what
the Lord said. Studs.
308
00:14:42,132 --> 00:14:45,312
You sure?
You chose wisely.
309
00:14:45,305 --> 00:14:47,135
Thank you, God.
310
00:14:47,137 --> 00:14:50,347
Now, all I have to do
is change my shoes
to match the studs.
311
00:14:50,350 --> 00:14:52,560
Well, just hurry up.
Come on.
312
00:14:52,562 --> 00:14:54,352
I killed a fly. Fly...
313
00:15:00,690 --> 00:15:04,070
Boy, that must have
been some poop.
Did you blow your foot off?
314
00:15:05,235 --> 00:15:06,735
No, Daddy.
315
00:15:06,736 --> 00:15:08,026
Then where's your shoe?
316
00:15:08,028 --> 00:15:09,408
I have no idea.
317
00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:10,989
Okay. Let's retrace
your steps.
318
00:15:10,991 --> 00:15:13,081
Number one,
did you go in your room?
No.
319
00:15:13,083 --> 00:15:15,343
Okay. Number two.
Did you go in the bathroom?
Yes.
320
00:15:15,335 --> 00:15:17,585
Okay, number three.
In the bathroom,
what did you do?
321
00:15:17,587 --> 00:15:19,667
Number two.
Number two?
322
00:15:19,669 --> 00:15:23,299
Number two.
Okay, so, the answer to
number three is number two.
323
00:15:23,303 --> 00:15:26,013
I did number one, too.
324
00:15:26,006 --> 00:15:30,256
Okay. So, the answer to
number three is number one
and number two, too.
325
00:15:30,260 --> 00:15:32,260
I have no idea.
326
00:15:35,105 --> 00:15:39,145
Neither do I.
Okay, you sit here.
327
00:15:39,149 --> 00:15:43,269
And Daddy wants you
to show me exactly what
you did in that bathroom.
328
00:15:43,273 --> 00:15:46,123
No! No, no, not...
329
00:15:46,116 --> 00:15:48,406
With your feet.
What did you do
with your feet?
330
00:15:48,408 --> 00:15:50,738
I was kicking
my legs like this.
Right.
331
00:15:50,740 --> 00:15:52,280
And my shoe flew off.
332
00:15:57,707 --> 00:16:01,917
I think I know where
that other shoe is.
Come on.
333
00:16:01,921 --> 00:16:05,851
Here you go. Good as new.
Go ahead. Put that on.
334
00:16:06,796 --> 00:16:08,506
I'm not gonna wear that.
335
00:16:08,508 --> 00:16:11,888
Why not? It's clean.
It's got even
the blue stuff in it.
336
00:16:11,891 --> 00:16:13,391
Daddy!
337
00:16:13,393 --> 00:16:15,983
You know what?
Whatever your next
favorite pair of shoes are,
338
00:16:15,975 --> 00:16:17,685
put them on
and let's go, please.
339
00:16:17,687 --> 00:16:19,597
JAY: Michael,
we're ready.
340
00:16:19,599 --> 00:16:22,149
Oh, great. Now,
your mother's rushing me.
We must really be late.
341
00:16:23,653 --> 00:16:25,373
Come on, Dad.
You're holding us up.
342
00:16:25,365 --> 00:16:29,195
Yeah, Michael.
We're waiting on you.
Come on, boy. Come on!
343
00:16:29,199 --> 00:16:30,989
Come on!
344
00:16:30,990 --> 00:16:32,660
Okay, Jay.
See, I don't mind that.
345
00:16:32,662 --> 00:16:35,422
I look at it as applause
for being on time.
346
00:16:35,415 --> 00:16:39,325
Which we actually are,
because I built in
a 10 minute cushion
347
00:16:39,329 --> 00:16:40,789
knowing that you guys
would be late.
348
00:16:40,790 --> 00:16:44,670
That is very clever.
Where is Kady?
349
00:16:44,674 --> 00:16:48,844
Baby, why are you
wearing your
cowboy boots?
350
00:16:48,838 --> 00:16:53,678
Daddy said I could wear my
second favorite pair of boots
and these are them.
351
00:16:53,683 --> 00:16:55,603
Honey, she can't go
to the wedding like that.
352
00:16:55,595 --> 00:16:58,635
Why not? She looks good.
Like K.D. Lang. It's okay.
353
00:17:00,190 --> 00:17:02,350
Come on, let's go.
Everybody out the door.
354
00:17:02,352 --> 00:17:05,152
No, not the kitchen.
Too many distractions.
Let's go out the front door.
355
00:17:05,145 --> 00:17:08,235
Let's go.
No looking left or right.
Just forward movement.
356
00:17:08,238 --> 00:17:10,698
Let's go.
Let's march, kids. March.
357
00:17:10,700 --> 00:17:13,110
(MICHAEL SHOUTING
MARCHING ORDERS)
358
00:17:14,204 --> 00:17:15,214
Turn around.
359
00:17:16,746 --> 00:17:17,996
And fall in.
360
00:17:17,997 --> 00:17:19,867
All right.
Okay.
361
00:17:19,869 --> 00:17:21,209
We all ready?
362
00:17:21,211 --> 00:17:23,291
Yes.
No, we're not.
Where's Junior?
363
00:17:23,293 --> 00:17:24,463
(BEEPING)
364
00:17:24,464 --> 00:17:25,724
And what's that?
365
00:17:25,715 --> 00:17:26,835
Sounded like the microwave.
366
00:17:26,836 --> 00:17:28,716
The micro...
367
00:17:28,718 --> 00:17:31,718
All right. You know what?
Y'all please stay in the car
and don't move
368
00:17:31,721 --> 00:17:35,101
because if you do,
I promise I will make
your life a living hell.
369
00:17:35,095 --> 00:17:36,385
Hey.
Huh?
370
00:17:36,386 --> 00:17:38,386
You're off to a good start.
371
00:17:39,479 --> 00:17:41,439
I married a comedian.
372
00:17:43,773 --> 00:17:45,573
(WHISTLING)
373
00:17:47,737 --> 00:17:48,897
What're you doing in here?
374
00:17:48,898 --> 00:17:50,858
I got hungry.
So, I made a tuna-melt.
375
00:17:52,242 --> 00:17:53,992
Want a bite?
376
00:17:53,993 --> 00:17:56,583
Yeah. I want to
bite your head off.
377
00:17:56,576 --> 00:18:00,536
Now, put the sandwich down
and get back in the car,
fish-breath.
378
00:18:00,540 --> 00:18:02,160
Dad.
What?
379
00:18:02,162 --> 00:18:03,412
Can I talk to you?
380
00:18:03,413 --> 00:18:05,473
Now?
Yeah.
381
00:18:05,465 --> 00:18:07,915
Right now,
you want to have
a discussion?
382
00:18:07,917 --> 00:18:11,627
You want to talk when we're
supposed to be in the car
on our way somewhere?
383
00:18:11,631 --> 00:18:14,421
Now is the time
you want to talk to me?
384
00:18:14,424 --> 00:18:15,774
It's important.
385
00:18:18,308 --> 00:18:19,978
What is it, son?
386
00:18:22,101 --> 00:18:23,981
I don't like
how you deal with me.
387
00:18:23,983 --> 00:18:25,783
What do you mean
you don't like
how I deal, what?
388
00:18:25,775 --> 00:18:27,225
You make fun
of me a lot.
389
00:18:27,227 --> 00:18:29,607
You call me stupid,
and bighead,
and stuff like that.
390
00:18:29,609 --> 00:18:33,609
And I try to shrug it off
and mostly I succeed,
but it's humiliating.
391
00:18:33,613 --> 00:18:36,203
They're jokes.
They're supposed
to be humiliating.
392
00:18:36,196 --> 00:18:37,736
It's just me
teasing you.
393
00:18:37,737 --> 00:18:40,697
Dad, you said yourself
that it's not funny
if no one's laughing.
394
00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:44,870
Well, see this face?
I'm not laughing.
395
00:18:44,874 --> 00:18:47,134
That's the real reason
I don't want to go
to this wedding.
396
00:18:47,126 --> 00:18:48,796
There's always some point
at these functions
397
00:18:48,798 --> 00:18:52,298
where you take out the
measuring tape and compare
my head to the centerpiece.
398
00:18:55,094 --> 00:18:56,974
Okay, fine.
I won't do that joke.
399
00:19:02,262 --> 00:19:04,392
It's just that it's hard
enough being 16,
400
00:19:04,394 --> 00:19:06,734
without your dad thinking
you're a dummy.
401
00:19:06,726 --> 00:19:08,436
I don't think
you're a dummy, son.
402
00:19:08,438 --> 00:19:12,568
I just think sometimes
you make some really
dumb decisions.
403
00:19:12,572 --> 00:19:14,942
Well, maybe sometimes
I don't make
the best choices.
404
00:19:14,944 --> 00:19:17,044
You mean, like,
coming in here
to make a tuna-melt
405
00:19:17,036 --> 00:19:19,776
when we're supposed
to be somewhere?
406
00:19:19,779 --> 00:19:21,619
Yeah.
Or, like last month
407
00:19:21,621 --> 00:19:25,381
when you peed out the window
'cause you didn't want to go
to the bathroom?
408
00:19:25,375 --> 00:19:28,995
That wasn't my fault.
I didn't know you guys
were still outside.
409
00:19:30,460 --> 00:19:33,750
You know, we still can't
grow anything in that area.
410
00:19:37,347 --> 00:19:40,257
Look, son.
I'm gonna make
a deal with you.
411
00:19:40,260 --> 00:19:44,890
From now on, I want you to
start thinking about what
you do before you do it.
412
00:19:44,894 --> 00:19:49,404
And I, in turn, will start
thinking about what I say
to you before I say it.
413
00:19:49,399 --> 00:19:50,689
Deal?
414
00:19:50,690 --> 00:19:51,770
Deal.
415
00:19:55,525 --> 00:19:57,155
You know,
I really do love you.
416
00:19:57,156 --> 00:19:58,946
I love you, too, Dad.
417
00:20:00,029 --> 00:20:01,369
(PHONE RINGING)
Come on.
418
00:20:01,371 --> 00:20:03,081
I'll get it.
No, no, no, no, no.
You leave that.
419
00:20:03,082 --> 00:20:04,912
That's probably
some salesperson.
420
00:20:04,914 --> 00:20:06,254
Come on,
we could still make
the "I dos."
421
00:20:06,246 --> 00:20:07,876
No, hold on.
What?
422
00:20:08,828 --> 00:20:11,038
I get hungry.
Okay.
423
00:20:12,292 --> 00:20:14,172
Finally!
424
00:20:14,173 --> 00:20:16,513
Hi, I'm Michael Kyle
and you've reached
the Kyle residence.
425
00:20:16,506 --> 00:20:18,176
Please leave a message.
426
00:20:18,177 --> 00:20:19,387
(ANSWER MACHINE BEEPING)
427
00:20:19,389 --> 00:20:24,549
Michael, this your
Aunt Evelyn.
Hey, pick up.
428
00:20:24,554 --> 00:20:26,694
I know
you ain't left yet.
429
00:20:26,686 --> 00:20:30,186
Well, anyhoo.
The wedding's
been canceled.
430
00:20:30,189 --> 00:20:33,109
Your cousin got stood up
by the ugly girl.
431
00:20:40,570 --> 00:20:43,410
Jay, the notorious
family's already...
432
00:20:47,577 --> 00:20:50,247
I just wanted to
entertain them.
433
00:20:50,249 --> 00:20:52,169
(STAMMERING) Why do these
people have to decide
434
00:20:52,171 --> 00:20:53,921
to get married at night
in the dark anyway?
435
00:20:53,923 --> 00:20:57,643
You want to say that again?
Yeah!
436
00:20:57,637 --> 00:21:01,467
Why do these people have to
decide to get married in the
night and in the... Yeah!
32525
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