Original subtitles

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Go away.

CLAIRE: You don't even know who it is.

Okay. Who is it?

It's Claire.

Oh, it's you.

Go away, Claire.

What part of "go away" don't you understand?

I just wanted to see what you were up to.

I'm sketching.

Ooh. Can I see? No.

You have no idea what it is, do you?

Of course, I do. It's Jupiter and Mars colliding, right?

No. It's Jennifer Lopez picking up a quarter.

Now get out so I can do Pamela Anderson eating a banana.

So can I go to the game with you on Friday?

No, Miss Tag-along.

Why not? Because I said no.

Come on, Junior, why not?

We should spend time together.

Come on, Claire, cut the act.

You just want to go with me so you can be around John.

So?

So I thought you liked that guy Tony.

Can't a girl keep her options open?

That better be the only thing a girl keeping open.

Daddy, will you make Junior take me to the game?

My name is Saul, this is up to y'all.

I'm just sitting here playing my videogame.

(KADY SHRIEKS) Mommy, help me!

There's a spider in my room.

Hey, Michael, can you come help her with this spider, please?

Uh-huh. Junior, go get that spider.

What do I look like, Spider-Man?

If you are, your spider senses will tell you I'm about to hurt you.

Mamma, will you make Junior take me to the game on Friday?

My name is Bennett and I'm not in it.

Okay, well, then my name is Claire

and I'm leaving!

It's a good thing she's pretty. Uh-huh.

(SIGHS) What you doing, baby?

Playing a videogame.

Oh. How was your day?

It was terrible. I don't want to talk about it.

Really? What happened?

It was terrible. I don't want to talk about it.

Like what? What happened?

Okay. Four trucks broke down.

Jimmy didn't come to work again.

And then a pipe burst in my office and soaked up everything.

Our wedding picture didn't get wet, did it?

No, nothing serious like that.

It's just years of financial records. That's all.

Oh, good.

So you gonna ask me how my day was?

No. It was terrible.

This woman in a big SUV tried to take my spot at the nail salon

and then she had the audacity to try to give me the F-I-N-G-E-R.

That spells "finger," don't it?

Yeah.

Baby, "finger" is not a dirty word.

Ew! What's that blob thing?

It's a blob. Shh!

Don't "shh" me.

And don't turn the volume up, Michael.

Jay, I can't concentrate on the game.

Well, maybe then you need to concentrate on something else.

Isn't this a little bit more interesting?

Yeah, that's interesting. Could you do that over there?

What is the big thing with boys and their videogames?

Apparently you've never had the thrill of a joystick in your hand.

Yeah. I repeat, what's the big deal?

Jay, look, I had a hard day at work.

Baby, I'm just trying to unwind.

Okay. Okay. Thank you.

What?

Nothing. I'm just waiting for you to finish.

Might be a couple of hours.

That's fine.

(TAPPING FLOOR)

(HUMMING)

(HUMMING LOUDLY)

All right!

What do you want? What do I want?

Michael, I'll tell you what I want.

I have been cooped up here all day

taking care of your kids in your house

and all I want is some adult conversation with a grownup.

Okay. Can we have this adult conversation

after I finish killing some zombies?

Come on, Michael!

I just want an hour of your time.

Just take me out to dinner and talk to me.

Okay, look, put the game on pause. All right?

We will go out to dinner. Thank you.

Junior can babysit.

(JUNIOR SCREAMING)

Spider, spider, it's on my head.

Oh, my God, Dad! Get it. Get it. It's on my head.

Let me see. Turn around. Wait, wait. I see it.

Get it!

So she winds up sitting next to me at the nail salon.

You should've seen the feet on this woman.

She looked like she was wearing snow shoes.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

This is nice. Yeah.

You know, you look absolutely beautiful tonight.

Thank you, baby.

Isn't this much nicer than playing with some mummies?

Zombies, Jay.

They're zombies. It's just so simple.

Whatever. Thank you for doing this, Michael.

I'm having a wonderful time. Thank you.

(CHUCKLES)

So have you decided yet?

Oh. We don't have any menus.

Yeah. What's good here?

Oh, I can see you two are gonna be a problem.

What is the matter with him?

I think that's some sort of waiter technique.

What they do is they put you on the defensive,

so that you don't keep calling them over.

But, see, I got a little technique of my own that turns them around.

What? Shower them with compliments.

It's called positive reinforcement. Watch this.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Here, let me know when you've decided.

Thank you. This guy is so efficient.

It's great service, huh?

(LAUGHS) Michael, he heard you.

I know. That's the whole point.

(CLEARS THROAT)

I thought you folks might enjoy some focaccia bread.

I sprinkled parmesan on there for you.

Here's some olive paste. You must try it.

Thank you. Thank you.

He's much too good-looking to be a waiter.

He must be a model.

Or a Kennedy.

Baby! He heard... (LAUGHING) I know.

Oh, I see, you two are gonna be a problem.

Did you see what he just did to that couple? Mean.

Now it's time to have some fun with him.

How? Well, what we do

is now that we got our food

and we're not worried about him spitting in it,

we do the same thing except we use negative reinforcement.

Oh.

Watch this.

How are my two favorite customers?

Was I right about the cherries jubilee?

Godfrey, this has been amazing.

You've turned a simple meal into a dining experience.

Why, thank you, Michael.

I have to say, it's been a pleasure serving you.

Thank you.

I'll get you some more coffee.

What a jerk.

Excuse me.

Some more coffee, right?

And the cream.

The cream.

Jackass.

(JAY LAUGHING)

That guy's gonna be up all night

trying to figure out what went wrong.

And that six cents tip really messed him up.

You are crazy. I'm gonna go check on these kids.

All right.

There you go, sweetie.

You missed daddy, huh? Still warm. Look at you.

Waited for daddy, yeah.

What are you doing?

I'm playing my game.

Yeah. Well, don't you want to spend some more time together?

Jay, we just spent a whole three hours together.

What, is there a time limit?

Oh, you said you wanted to spend an hour,

I gave you two bonus hours. You should be happy.

Well, lucky me.

Jay, what's all the attitude about?

I mean, I did my time.

You did your time? What am I, Shawshank?

I paused my game,

so I could do what you want me to do,

and now you're still not satisfied.

Well, satisfy my curiosity, Michael.

What does this game have that I don't have?

A mute button.

Fine. Fine. You know what?

Play with your little stupid game.

I'm gonna go upstairs and play with my own toys.

You're gonna pay, Michael. Oh, you're gonna pay.

(MIMICS GUN FIRING)

I heard that.

So what's going on, Dad?

Oh, same old, same old. What's going on with you?

Well, I'm sitting on the horns of a dilemma.

That sounds painful.

It is.

Claire wants to go to this game with me on Friday.

So what's the problem?

Dad, she's a human anchor. She cramps my style.

You got about as much style as a mariachi band.

(CHUCKLES)

And here's the thing, I would prefer

that you hung out with her to protect her.

From what?

From other boys. You may not understand this,

but other boys find your sister very attractive.

(SCOFFING) Oh, please. Claire?

That's funny. I'm serious.

It's funny to you because that's your sister.

But other boys don't feel that way.

They've never seen her first thing in the morning.

And I want to keep it that way.

All right. Let's go with this stupid "Claire is attractive" premise.

Wouldn't I be a hypocrite if I stopped guys from doing to my sister

what I want to do to their sisters?

Yeah.

But that's your responsibility as a big brother.

I mean, you have to understand that Claire looks up to you.

And in her eyes you're her hero.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Oh, Dad.

"You're her hero!" All right, I tried. I tried.

Okay, I'm not saying you have to, but just, you know,

put it in your hip pocket and think about it.

I would, Dad. But she's just hard to hang out with.

She never shuts up.

Welcome to the world of women.

They're all like that, son. They all talk, talk, talk.

I mean, yeah, you get the occasional Helen Keller,

but they come so few and far in between.

The rest of them, they jabber like magpies.

Even mom? Oh, my.

Your mother is the queen of magpies.

Why do they do it?

As strange as it sounds, Son,

women actually communicate by talking.

Wow! Yep.

Michael. Mmm?

Michael, we need to talk.

I'm out of here.

Yes, dear?

Don't "yes, dear" me.

Did you get my note?

No, dear. What note?

The note I left in your underwear drawer.

In my... Is that what this is?

I thought it was a toilet paper ball or something.

How could you possibly miss that?

I rarely check my ass for messages.

"Dr. Bouche, 9:00 a.m." For what?

For what? For starters, we had a breakdown in communication last night.

Oh, come on, Jay.

I'm not going to no shrink over a videogame.

It's not about the videogame.

Then what is it about?

You don't love me.

Oh, God.

Someone bring a bat down here and beat me to death, please.

I'm serious, Michael.

Jay, how did we go from a romantic dinner

to "I don't love you" in less than 24 hours?

I don't know. That's what Dr. Bouche is going to tell us.

Baby, we've been going to that fat quack for over five years now,

and you're still just as crazy as the day we first started going.

Crazy? I'm sorry.

Nuts. You're nutty.

And anybody but Dr. Bouche

is gonna tell you that I'm perfectly right in this.

Oh, let's test your theory, Michael.

We can find a new psychiatrist.

I will call Bouche's office and get a referral.

No, no, no, no. See, he's just gonna give you a referral

to someone just like him.

So what do you want to do? You want to find somebody in a phonebook?

I like that. Yeah, yeah. Uh-uh.

Michael, no.

Yeah. Let's see. Okay.

That's crazy.

Optometrist, podiatrist...

Psychiatrist. Right here. Dr. Cooper Madison.

And that's who I'll go see.

Was there a particular incident that got you guys to call me?

Yes, absolutely. Yes.

Last night, I took her out for dinner.

And we had a wonderful time.

I showered her with my undivided attention.

We were here. It was magical.

And then I came home and she got mad at me

because I wanted to finish the videogame that I had put on hold

to take her out and spend quality time.

Three whole hours.

Throw a dog a bone. Whoop-dee-doo!

And you know, and this morning she makes the announcement

that it's not the videogame. It's the past 17 years.

Apparently I don't love her anymore.

Why are you feeling that way?

He rejected me last night.

I've been feeling worthless ever since I lost my job.

I'm vulnerable. And he wants to play with some damn videogame.

Which videogame?

(GROANS) Oh, you wouldn't know. It's called Alien Stalker.

Alien Stalker? Mmm-hmm.

I don't only know it, I beat it.

Get out of here!

Yeah. Five hours.

What? Five hours? You're lying.

No, I don't. What level are you on?

I'm still trying to beat that blob thing. How do you kill it?

It's so tough. You have to jump on its back

and wait for the dance ball to appear,

then you hit it with the pulse phaser as it turns blue.

The pulse... You know what,

I've been trying to use the big dagger.

No, no, no. That brings up

the zombie queen! The zombie queen!

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Excuse me. Hi. Might I interrupt you two?

I'm here to purchase some therapy.

I'm sorry, Jackie, but I just think that you are so consumed

with your own needs that you're failing to recognize Michael's.

Please, call me Mike.

Call me Jay.

Is that short for Jackie?

No, it isn't.

Dr. Madison, the truth is,

I love Jackie.

And this whole thing that she's going through

really hurts me deeply because I live to make my little Jackie happy.

Are you listening, Jackie?

All Michael really wants is a little alone time.

Just a little. See that much little?

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Oh, he's gonna get plenty of that.

Boy, that Dr. Madison was something else.

I can't wait to see her again. When we gonna go back, huh?

When hell freezes over.

Oh, come on, Jay, admit it. The woman was insightful.

You're only saying that because she was agreeing with you.

Kind of like the way Dr. Bouche always agrees with you?

It's not a contest, Michael.

We have a problem and we need help with it.

No, you have the problem, Jay. I did nothing wrong.

And as a matter of fact, to prove I did nothing wrong,

I'm willing to pay for another shrink.

Why don't we do that? And this time,

just to make it interesting, you pick it out.

You've got... Oh, please. This is stupid.

No, it's not stupid.

We'll get a second unbiased opinion as to how right I am

and how far you've blown this whole thing out of proportion.

Fine. Just to prove you wrong.

Dr. Steven Michael Thomas.

I'll call and make the appointment.

Have you gotten to the electric flying lizard?

Yes, I just got past the zombie queen.

Wow! How did you kill her?

Same way you're killing me.

Ignore it till it withers up and dies.

Oh, I apologize, June.

The name is Jay.

Is that a diminutive of June?

No, it's not.

Ooh. Brr. Icy.

In any event, I'm so sorry about this little videogame digression.

I just find them so exciting and stress relieving.

But this isn't about us, is it, sweetheart?

No. He was talking to me.

Oh.

Tell me if I'm wrong. You're feeling alienated,

unloved and underappreciated. Yes.

And, Michael, you feel you've given Jay all the time you can

without diminishing who you are.

Yes. And all you're asking for

is a little Michael time.

You hear that, Jay? Michael time.

That's all I want. A little time with Mikey.

Look, I don't mean to be unreasonable.

And I do understand that everybody needs their space,

but I need to know that you still want to be with me.

That I could still hold your interest.

Baby, you do. What have I denied you?

I mean, I do everything for you.

Every Saturday, that's family day 'cause you want that.

You got me involved in all these household projects, I do that.

I even took you to see The Lion King.

Oh! Joseph is in that. He's the cuckoo bird.

You mean, the cockatoo? Oh, the cockatoo.

He's that, too. He plays two parts.

You know him?

Oh, yeah. He's my life partner.

This is a picture of us at our commitment ceremony.

Hey, yeah. That's the cockatoo.

It is!

See, this is on Maui. Oh!

Oh, he's good looking.

Oh, thank you. I am so blessed.

Now, listen, you two, you got a good thing going here,

but you're both being a little selfish.

I need you to climb down off the pity pots,

take a step towards each other,

and remember the love that you had in your hearts

when you were very young and callow.

Oh, I feel like singing a show tune.

You are a very funny man.

So are you. (LAUGHS)

I like you.

Jay, sweetheart, you got yourself a pistol here.

Yeah, bang, bang.

And you, mister, this woman is H-O-T-T, hot.

Appreciate her.

You know, I think you're right.

I can do more.

Aw. Look, kids... Oh, my.

I'm good.

Look, kids, you don't need me. You need each other.

It's like Joseph and I always say,

"Together we can lick anything."

Whoa! Where you going dressed like that?

Not with you, so don't worry about it.

No, come on, I'm serious.

If you must know, I'm going bowling.

You can't go bowling in that skirt.

Why not?

Because you have to bend over to pick up the ball

and everybody can look right up your alley.

Why do you care?

I'm just going to hang out with my girlfriends.

Look, I know what guys like me think

about girls who dress like that.

And you're not going out dressed like that.

You're not the boss of me.

Listen, I'll make a deal with you.

If you change your clothes, I'll take you to the game with me.

For real? Yeah.

I'll even introduce you to John.

Cool. I'll go put on some tight jeans.

Just kidding.

Thanks, Junior.

Yeah, yeah. Hurry up.

(WHISTLES)

Daddy, I need a bowl.

No, you don't. Watch this.

There you go.

Thank you.

Good morning, sleepyheads.

What's the matter with you? How was the game?

I don't want to talk about it.

(LAUGHING) It was funny.

John said hello to Claire, and she tripped and fell

all the way to the bottom of the bleachers.

Shut up!

It was hysterical.

It was so humiliating. He must think I'm a dufus.

Actually he thinks you're kind of cute.

Really?

Yeah. For some reason he's attracted to klutzes.

Cool.

I don't see good things on the horizon, Dad.

That's why you need to stick by her.

You were right. Guys actually think she's cute.

It was disgusting.

Scary thing is, Son,

as she gets older, it's only gonna get worse.

(BOTH SIGHING)

I gotta go lay down.

Hey, baby. Hmm?

Listen, why don't we both do our own thing tonight?

I got this book I wanna read.

Okay, and you're not gonna get mad?

No, we're both gonna do it without resentment and recrimination.

Okay. You mean, we're gonna climb down off our pity pots.

(LAUGHING)

Yes. And it won't be that difficult. You wanna know why?

I think it's because...

BOTH: Together we can lick anything.