Original subtitles

Don't look at me like that.

Doesn't have any calories unless you bake them, Michael.

I didn't say anything.

I think you look terrific.

What are these? Keebler?

Mmm. You're sweet and you're smart.

What are you doing home so early?

Well, it doesn't take a man long to shoot an 84!

Baby!

You shot an 84? That's right!

That's fabulous, right?

Baby, that's better than fabulous.

All I need is 100 more teeth in my mouth and I'm Tiger Woods.

Oh, I'm glad you had such good luck.

Yeah, well, it had nothing to do with luck, Jay.

It was skill.

Matched with these brand-new Pings.

Look at this. Watch this swing.

Huh?

(LAUGHS) You are so pathetic.

Go ahead and laugh, Jay. Go ahead and laugh.

Just like you laughed when you said

I was crazy to pay $3000 for these babies.

You told me you paid $2000.

Hey! Where's the kids?

I'm about to take them to the mall.

Just gave them some money.

You gave them money? Jay, I just gave them their allowance yesterday.

Why'd you give them money?

Because, Michael, they're terrific kids and I wanted them to shut up.

Baby, you're spoiling them. Especially, Junior.

How are they gonna ever learn the value of a dollar

if you just give them money when they ask for it?

Hey, kids! Come down here!

Come on, Michael. Why you gotta make this a federal case?

Because you're making them weak, Jay.

They don't have any survival skills.

They need a job. That's what they need.

Oh, baby, a job? The sooner they get a job,

the sooner they'll be independent and leave the house.

Yes! Yes! That's the whole idea behind it!

No. They're still my babies.

Hi, Daddy. Hi, Dad.

Hi, Daddy. Oh, don't "Hi, Daddy" me.

Why'd you go to your mother and get money

when I just gave you your allowance?

Because we can't get by on what you give us.

Dad, it's expensive to be us.

Do you know how much it costs to keep me in makeup?

Claire, you're 15. God does your makeup.

Yeah.

Well, my clothes are expensive.

What clothes? You've got half a shirt on.

You should have got a discount.

Daddy, I didn't spend my money.

Well, good for you.

I lost it.

You see, they don't even respect the money we give them.

Look, I don't know if I ever told you guys this story,

but when I was 12 years old,

my father gave me $5, and with that $5,

I went out and I bought myself a used snow shovel.

And you made enough to buy a bike.

With that bike you started a paper route.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Okay, so maybe I did tell you the story one or two times.

Thirty. No, it wasn't...

Maybe 29. One or two... No, 30.

...or 29 times. I don't know. I don't know.

But it doesn't make the story any less inspiring, okay?

And, if I can do it, so can you.

So this is what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna let you keep that money.

But you're not spending it at the mall.

Then what good is it?

Aha! You're going to be creative with it.

And you're gonna use it to earn more money.

I want you to look at that money

as the seeds from which you will grow your money tree.

Like magic beans?

I was hoping Kady would say that.

But, yes. And this is the best part.

At the end of the week, whatever money you earn from it, I will match it.

Deal? Do we have a choice?

No. Deal.

Shoo!

Hello. Hey, Janis, how're you doing?

Oh, you saw Kady outside. Yeah, she's cute, isn't she?

Her sign says what?

Lemonades, lemonades.

Cold, refreshing lemonades.

Come and get it.

Mommy, why won't anybody buy my lemonade?

Uh, Kady,

I think it has something to do with your advertising.

First of all, "lemonade" is spelled wrong.

Who made the sign for you?

Junior.

Figures.

Um, Kady, I'm gonna take this sign and make you a new, prettier one, okay?

Okay. All right.

Hi, girls. BOTH: Hi.

Hi, Megan. Hi, Melissa. Would you like some lemonade?

Yeah, sure. We'd love some.

Mmm. Refreshing.

That'll be 50 cents, please.

We don't have any money.

I thought it was free.

Why would you think that?

You don't have any sign.

Well, I need to make some moneys.

I know a way you can make lots of money.

Ever heard of a garage sale?

Hey, what's going on in here?

Oh, hi, Mrs. K.

Claire opened up a beauty salon.

She did?

Yeah. Claire didn't do your hair, did she?

No. Oh, good. Then, I'm still next.

Oh, you next, all right.

(MUTTERING) No heifer gonna talk about my hair.

Claire!

You're using all of my stuff!

Oh, I know. These products are great.

By the way, you're out of conditioner.

And I'm defrosting a roast in that sink, Claire.

Oh, don't worry. It's still here.

And look at my towels. You got my good towels.

The girl got my good towels on the floor.

Oh, I know. Could you be a dear and wash them for me?

I'm swamped, and I may need them for tomorrow.

Hey! Hi, Dad!

Business is booming.

I see. This is amazing!

Baby, look! She started her own beauty salon.

Isn't that great? Yeah.

You're not the one who has to shave the roast.

Look, come here. Step in my office.

(SIGHING)

Jay, we have to be supportive of them.

I mean, we can start by teaching them how to have a business,

and then we can work on the finer things like cleanliness.

Daddy, could you hand me the cookie jar?

Sure. I mean, this is working, Jay.

It's working us, Michael.

They're not using your shampoos!

That's only because Armor All don't make shampoo.

Are you gonna help me wash all of these towels and stuff?

Jay, that's not what I do.

I'm a silent partner. The investor.

You are in charge of the physical operation of this.

Keep it up, you're gonna need an operation, Michael.

Jay, calm down. Look, let me make you a pot of tea.

Come on, let's have some tea. That Nerve Ease.

That's what you need. Is some of that Nerve Ease.

All right, all right, all right.

What happened to the teapot? I don't know, Michael.

Look in the dishwasher.

It's time and time again I tell the kids

put the stuff back where they found it.

MICHAEL: Where's the teapot?

JAY: I don't know what happened to the teapot, Michael.

(ALL CLAMORING)

(ALL EXCLAIM IN DISAPPOINTMENT)

Pay double. Pay double. Pay me my money.

Hey, man, you cheating.

I ain't giving you no money.

Them dices is loaded and I know it.

They're your dice.

Oh, yes.

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)

What's going on in here?

Nothing. Nothing.

ALL: Nothing.

And what are the dice doing on the floor?

Nothing. Nothing.

ALL: Nothing.

You know what, why don't you all go do nothing, nothing, nothing

outside my house?

All right, Dad. Busted.

We were gambling. But look at all this money I won.

Junior, you were supposed to be starting a business.

I did. This is my business.

What, gambling? Yeah!

You ever hear of professional gamblers?

Dad, I'm really good at this.

Okay. You know what, you're missing the whole point.

I want you to go down to that chicken place,

and I want you to fill out a job application.

What? They wear chicken suits down there, Dad.

I'd look ridiculous.

That's the same thing the chicken say about you

with three hats on your head.

Look, all I'm saying is,

do you know how long I'd have to work there to make $80?

An entire week.

I made that in 20 minutes without leaving my room.

Junior, here's what you don't understand about gambling.

Eventually, you're gonna lose

because the house always wins.

Yeah, but today... You know what?

What don't you understand about the end of a conversation?

Michael, what's this I hear about Junior gambling?

Don't worry about it, Jay. I got it all under control.

I'm gonna teach him that men gamble and boys lose.

I think it's time for you to admit that you were wrong

and to pull the plug on this whole kids-start- their-own-business crap.

What are you talking about?

They are learning a great lesson here, especially, the girls.

They're not learning from this

because, Michael, we are paying for everything.

They're not making any money.

The lemonade stand was a bust.

Look at all these money.

(EXCLAIMING)

Look at this! Our baby made...

20, 40, 100...

$500!

$500 selling lemonade?

No, lemonade just gets them in the door.

And then we hit them with the yard sale.

You see, that's clever.

You get them in the door with the lemonade,

then bam! You hit them with the yard sale!

What yard sale?

JUNIOR: Hey! What happened to my TV?

ALL: Uh-oh!

See, blackjack is different to your little girl dice games you play, okay?

I'm letting you win those six hands.

I got you.

But what you need to understand is,

eventually, all gamblers end up broke.

No matter how good you are, eventually, you lose.

Not me. I was born to do this. All right. Watch. Ha!

Deal. Put the whammy on it!

(EXCLAIMS)

What you gonna do? Look at that.

(SIGHS) What you gonna do now, huh?

Huh, you want a hit?

Hit me.

All right.

Hit me.

Hit me.

Hit me.

Hit me.

Hit me.

Wait. You're gonna hit with 19 showing?

Hit me.

Twenty-one!

Hey. Did he learn a lesson?

Oh, yeah. Lessons were learned, all right.

So, he's done gambling?

Yeah. With me, anyway.

What happened?

(MUMBLES) He beat me.

Huh? Huh? What was that? What?

I said, he beat me.

He won my money and he took my clubs.

No! Michael! Your golf clubs?

I've never seen a lucky streak like that in my entire life.

It was like playing with Rain Man.

You know, he's got that dumb face, so you can't read it.

And then, the fact that he can't add really makes him fearless.

Let me get this straight.

Not only did you lose your new golf clubs,

but now Junior thinks that this is an okay way to make a living.

Congratulations, Michael!

I should just nominate you as Father of the Year 'cause this is great.

No, you should, Jay.

You know why? You know why?

Because this is all part of my plan.

Oh, here we go!

No, I got him right where I want him.

See? And I'm slowly drawing him into my sticky little web.

I want him overconfident, Jay.

I want him to be overconfident because that's when I strike like lightning.

(EXCLAIMING)

Hey. I just came in to collect my debt.

You know, Dad, this putter is gonna make a great back scratcher.

It's gonna make a better murder weapon.

Good night.

Hey. Hmm.

(EXCLAIMING)

Top of the morning to you, Father.

What are you drinking?

It's a cup of tea.

Oh, I guess that's the only tee time you could get, huh?

Oh, you're gonna get it.

Look, I need to borrow your clubs.

(SIGHS) Sorry. No can do.

All right. Then, I'll rent them from you.

I have a very important game this afternoon.

Yeah, I wish I could.

How about I just take them from you?

Fine. But you'd have to take them from the pawnshop.

You pawned my golf clubs?

No, I pawned my golf clubs.

Got 500 bucks for them, too.

$500! Those were $3000 clubs.

Huh. Were! Were!

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking that you're gonna double any money I make

at the end of the week.

You know what? You may not last till the end of the week.

Oh, come on, Dad. This was your idea.

You're not a sore loser, are you?

(SNICKERS)

No, but you're about to be a sore winner.

(SNICKERS)

(GRUNTING) There you are.

Well, it's all here.

I had to get all the loot back from the lemonade gang.

What are you guys doing to Junior?

He rented out the entire spa for the day.

Well, you're washing those towels, young lady.

For the money he's paying, it's worth it.

Oh, look!

He has six toes!

(BOTH SCREAMING)

It's a bunion! It's a bunion.

What's that, Daddy?

It's my very own slot machine.

I could get you at least 50 bucks for that on the street.

Oh, no, no.

I don't want you to touch it.

None of y'all. Especially you, Mr. Hot Hands.

Okay, Claire,

here are some old towels you can use, and, Kady,

there's a box in the garage, next to Daddy's car.

You can sell anything in that box.

The car is not for sale.

I could have got 50 bucks for it.

What is this?

Slot machine, Jay.

Step into my office.

This should be good.

Hmm.

Explain yourself.

Okay.

You're walking down the street, Jay.

It's a beautiful day. The sky is blue. Not a cloud in sight.

What's the last thing you expect to see?

A slot machine!

Nope.

(EXCLAIMING)

Lightning, Jay.

That's my lightning,

and I'm gonna strike him with my lightning.

Look at that boy.

He's just gloating, spending my money on his crusty little feet.

You know, he got webbed toes.

That's why he swims so fast.

You ever see him swim?

That's a skin flap,

and I still don't understand your plan.

Watch, listen and learn, baby.

JAY: Michael. Huh?

When are you coming to bed? I'm tired of waiting.

I'll be up in a minute. Just a few more quarters.

(GRUNTS)

How much money have you put into that thing already?

I don't know. About five, $600.

(SCOFFS)

She's ready, Jay.

She's ready to put out.

Well, I'm not! I'm going to bed. Good night.

Junior, try to get him to stop, please.

Come on, baby. Give it! Yeah! Give it! Yeah!

Dad, haven't you lost enough already? Hmm?

A smart gambler knows when to walk away.

You think?

Hey, that's my secret.

But, Son, she's primed.

(SCOFFS) Go to bed, Dad. Walk away.

Look at the knob on that thing.

Dad.

Hey. Thanks for caring.

Oh, it's not that. See, tomorrow's the end of the week,

and you have to pay me off.

I just want to make sure you have enough cash.

I'll have enough cash.

I'm going to get a glass of milk.

Good night.

FEMALE VOICE: Hey, handsome.

Who, me?

Yeah, you.

Over here.

Is that a roll of quarters in your pocket,

or are you just happy to see me?

Actually, both.

Come on and play with me, Junior.

You can do it.

I'll make you feel so good.

This must be your first time.

Who, me? Nah, I've done this plenty... Yes.

Don't worry. I'll talk you through it.

But I'm almost out of quarters.

Oh, I'm easy to satisfy.

I take dollars, too.

Now, stop wasting time, cutie.

Let's dance.

Yeah.

Okay, okay, okay.

Yeah.

(EXCLAIMS)

(SIGHS IN FRUSTRATION)

(KICKING) Come on! Come on!

(SIGHS IN RELIEF)

Junior, what are you doing?

She used me, Dad.

She took all my money.

Didn't I tell you to stay away from that machine?

Oh, I tried, but she kept calling me. She seduced me.

Well, what did she get?

Everything, except for this one quarter.

This is gonna win it back for me.

Because, see, the problem was

I had nobody watching me

'cause I'm a performer and I get off,

I come alive by the edge that the crowd gives me.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Plus, she's due. She's primed.

I know she's gonna hit 'em.

All right. Then, I'll be your crowd. You bring it on home, Junior.

Loser!

I can't believe it, Dad.

Everything's gone.

Junior, let me show you the only key to beating this machine.

I want to see this. Here it is.

That's a key. Yes, it is.

And watch this.

Cha-ching!

Winner, winner, winner!

Look at all these moneys!

See, Son, this is what I was trying to teach you about gambling.

The house always wins.

Well, it's officially the end of the week.

How much you got left, Son?

Zero.

Well, me being the man of my word,

I'm gonna double that.

Oh, yeah, Junior...

(EXCLAIMING)

There you go! Yes, Daddy missed you.

Did you miss Daddy, baby? You missed Daddy.

Yes, you did.

I wish you showed me that much affection.

Come on, Jay. You know you're my hole in one.

Yeah, good.

So, congratulations.

Once again you have coerced your children into learning.

I prefer to use the term "tortured."

Yeah. It was torturous for me, too.

I had to buy those children off just so I could get some peace.

You know what our greatest accomplishment is? Junior.

Hey, Junior! Come on down here.

You're gonna be late for work.

There he is. Is that not the hardest working chicken in all of Connecticut?

Come here, you little cluck.

Ha! Ha! Ha! Very funny.

I'm ready for work.

Hey, while you're at the job, don't talk to no chicks.

(SNICKERING)

Chicks!

Leave him alone, Michael.

Thank you, Mom.

Hey, fix your feathers. I see your gizzards.

All right. Can you please drive me?

Oh, only if you do one thing for me.

What's that?

Lay me some eggs for breakfast tomorrow.

(LAUGHING)

That's poultry in motion.

Hey, Junior, you want to bet on the game?

No. No way.

What's the matter? You chicken?

You chicken! Chicken!