Original subtitles

(WHISPERING) No! Jay, turn the light off!

Sorry! I didn't know you were in here.

And why are we whispering?

Shh!

Look across the street. Come here.

Come here. Look.

Get down. Get down!

What?

You see the light? Yeah.

In the neighbor's house? He's watching me.

What? What are you talking about?

He's... Jay, he's a Pooping Tom.

Have you actually seen this man looking at you?

No, but I feel it. Every time I'm sitting over there rocking,

I feel his eyes all over me.

This is stupid. You are so paranoid, Michael.

I'm not...

Don't turn on the light!

And will you keep it down?

He could be listening. Listening for what?

What could he possibly be listening for?

I don't know. Sounds, grunts, my sighs of relief.

I don't know.

He's the wacko.

You know what? What?

This is what you should do, Michael.

(WHISPERING) Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Call the cops. 'Cause they probably...

See, they probably have a special task force just to catch Pooping Toms.

Yeah. Yeah!

The Squat team.

Mommy, I'm so glad that I love Buddy the hamster.

(CHUCKLING) Well, you know what?

I think you two look alike.

(SNIFFING)

It was really nice of your school

to let you have him for the week.

That's because I won the spelling bee.

Really? And what did you have to spell?

Bee.

You know what? If this all goes well,

maybe we can talk your daddy into letting you have your own little pet.

Daddy hates everything that's little and furry.

Mmm.

Try to keep him in his cage, okay, baby?

Okay.

Junior.

You read the back of that cereal box every single morning.

How can you still laugh at it?

Because no matter how many times

that silly rabbit tricks me with his little disguises,

he never gets past those kids. They're geniuses!

I don't believe it!

This guy is unbelievable.

What guy?

The neighbor. You know what he just did?

What, Michael? What could he have possibly done this time?

All right. I take the garbage out, put it in the trash.

Turn around, look back,

he's putting his garbage in our cans.

So what? It's garbage.

When they collect it, it's going in the same place anyway.

No, no, no, no. See, it's principle, Jay.

I don't want another man's hand digging in my can.

I think he found your bumper sticker, Michael.

Hey, I hope that's a new fashion statement

because your school bus will be here in 20 minutes.

(MOANING) I feel sick.

Mommy, feel my forehead. I'm burning up.

Oh, poor Claire.

She does feel sick, Michael.

It's okay.

I'll try to make it if I don't pass out on the bus.

No, no, no, no. You're gonna march yourself upstairs

and get back in that bed.

(COUGHS) Okay, Mom.

And the Oscar goes to Claire Kyle for The Lying Game.

(COUGHING)

Daddy, I feel sick, too.

I think I have what Claire has.

Touch my forehead.

No, there's a better way to tell your temperature.

Turn around. Can you bend down? Can you touch your toes?

Okay. Okay.

Get your butt to school.

See? That's the way you do it.

I don't know how you fell for the oldest trick in the book.

What? She was sick!

Yeah. She's faking.

I know fake moaning when I hear it.

I know for a fact that that's not true.

Michael, the girl does well in school. What's one day off?

Hey, as long as you know she's playing you.

First, it's the neighbor, now it's Claire?

You are so paranoid!

I am not paranoid.

But you know what? (SIGHING) What?

I'm a go put our garbage in his garbage

and see how he likes that.

That'll show him.

MICHAEL: Correct.

Mommy?

Hey. Oh. I'm sorry, baby, we're gonna be late for Tumble Tots. Let's go.

No, Mommy.

Buddy got out of his cage and I can't find him.

How did that happen, Kady?

I left his cage open,

but I told him not to move.

Okay, look. There's food in his cage.

He'll come back when he's hungry.

So don't worry, we'll find him.

Let's go.

MAN ON TV: Please welcome...

Come on. Will you just show the Jordan highlights?

I gotta go to work.

(SCREAMING)

What was that?

Oh, my God, I killed a rat.

Look at the size of this thing.

Oh, boy, I was on my way to the temp agency

and forgot my resume.

Look, baby, I killed a rat!

Yeah, that neighbor's trash is starting to attract rodents.

Oh, my God!

Yeah, imagine that, in our house, rats! Michael!

I know! Michael! No, that's Buddy!

You knew him?

That's Kady's hamster from school!

(SIGHS) Uh-oh.

So, what are we gonna do? We?

Yeah. No, uh-uh.

You killed him. You better give him mouth-to-mouth.

I ain't putting my mouth on no hamster mouth.

You better think of something, Michael.

Okay. I got an idea.

Buddy, no, Buddy! No, live!

I could do CPR with this.

(GRUNTS) Okay.

One, two, three, four, five.

(EXHALES)

One, two, three, four, five.

(EXHALES)

Is he dead?

Yeah.

(SIGHING) It's not working.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

I'm glad I'm not you right now,

'cause you're gonna have to explain this to Kady.

Look, Jay, I tell you what. Let's not tell her.

Okay? I could just buy another one and replace it.

She'll never know the difference.

I hope you're right, Michael.

(SCREAMS) Oh, he moved!

Michael, no!

(STAMMERING) No, Michael! No!

Yeah, Erica, they totally fell for it.

I just whipped up a little fever with the wash cloth.

So, where are you?

Algebra?

(LAUGHING)

Oh, that's Tony! I'll call you later.

Ow! Watch it!

I'm coming down.

He's cute but he's so dumb.

Yeah, I'm looking to replace a dead hamster.

Color?

What's my race got to do...

Oh! The hamster.

Uh, it's brown and white and red all over.

Length?

Uh, it's about four inches.

Eyes? Closed.

Okay. Uh...

I gotta let you go. There's a boy in my bushes right now.

I'll call you back.

Uh, Daddy!

What are you doing home?

I was just about to leave.

You look like you're feeling better.

(STAMMERING) Uh, no! I feel worse.

I just came down

(CLEARS THROAT) to get some more of that sick medicine.

Really? So why'd you change your clothes?

Because I threw up on them.

Maybe I should stay home and take care of you.

No!

Why not?

Because I don't want you to catch it.

(COUGHING)

Yeah, maybe you're right.

(COUGHING)

I'm gonna leave. Okay.

Yeah. (COUGHS) Okay. I'll see you later.

I left you a snack on the counter.

Okay, bye.

(COUGHING)

(WHISTLING)

(MOOING)

(WHISPERING) The coast is clear!

Come, come.

What was that all about?

I said make a bird noise.

I couldn't think of any bird noises,

so I did the only animal noise I knew.

A cow? Yeah.

It's either that or a pig.

But why would a pig be in the bushes?

Why would a cow be in the bushes?

Hiding.

So, what do you wanna do?

I don't know. What do you wanna do?

I don't know. What do you wanna do?

I don't care. It's your house. What do you wanna do?

You're the guest. What do you wanna do?

I wanna do whatever you wanna do.

Let's watch TV. Okay.

What do you wanna watch?

I don't know. What do you wanna watch?

I don't know. What do you wanna watch?

I don't care. It's your TV.

What do you wanna watch? You're the company.

What do you wanna watch?

I want to watch whatever you wanna watch.

Let's not watch TV.

You want to see my room?

I don't know. You wanna show it to me?

If you wanna see it.

I want to if you want to.

You know what? Just follow me.

You want me to? Because if you want me to... Shut up, Tony.

Just come with me.

Hi. I'm doing a survey on refrigerators.

You are?

Can you check to see if yours is running?

If so, catch it!

(GIGGLING) Isn't that funny?

I don't get it.

See, your...

You know what? You don't have to, Tony, because you're cute.

You're cute, too. You think so?

Yeah, I sure do.

You know what'd happen if my father caught us?

What?

He'd kill us.

He'd kill us even though we're sick?

Tony, we're not really sick.

Oh, right!

(DOORKNOB RATTLING)

Claire, why is this door locked?

(WHISPERS) Hide!

(COUGHING) I thought you left.

Now, you know the worst thing you could do is lie to me, young lady.

I know that, Daddy. Good.

Because I'm only gonna ask you this once.

Is there anyone else in this room with you?

(CLEARS THROAT) Huh? (CLEARS THROAT) I said,

is there anyone else in this room with you?

Yes. Oh. And who might that be?

My very understanding father.

Really? Yeah.

I hope that's him behind the curtain

'cause your pissed off father's standing right here.

Come on out here, genius.

Who? Me? No, the idiot behind the curtain.

Oh, thank God!

Get out here!

Claire, why don't you introduce me to your friend?

This is Tony. Tony, this is my father.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Kyle.

If I shake your hand, I'm gonna put it in my pocket.

So, what do you think I should do with you, Tony?

I don't know. What do you wanna do?

No, I asked you first. What do you think I should do with you?

I don't care. It's your house. I can't tell you what to do.

No, it's your behind.

I wanna know what you think I should do with it.

Do whatever you wanna do.

(SCREAMS)

What the hell is wrong with you?

Huh? What's on your mind?

Having a boy in your room when no one else is home?

Do you know how dangerous that is?

What's wrong with you?

It wasn't like that, Daddy.

Oh, shut up!

It didn't start out like that,

but it could've ended up like that

because you two were running out of things to say.

"What do you wanna do?" "I don't know. I'll do whatever you want."

"What do you want?" "You wanna see my pee-pee?"

Daddy! You don't know this boy.

He's innocent... (SHUSHING) Okay?

They all start out innocent. I was innocent.

That freak across the street, he started out innocent.

Now, he's peeking in my window

and sniffing around my can.

The point is, you never know.

What the hell were you thinking?

Daddy, I just turned 15 and you won't let me date.

Here's a date. I got a date for you. Okay?

January 1st, 2025.

You know what date that is?

That's the date that you can finally leave this room.

That's my punishment.

When your mother finds out,

you'll probably get the death penalty.

Please, Dad. Don't tell Mom.

I'm sorry I ditched school. I'm sorry I had Tony over.

And I'm sorry I broke the window downstairs

and blamed it on the neighbors' kids.

You broke that window? No.

But I'll confess to anything if you don't tell Mom.

Okay, I won't tell your mother. (SIGHS) Oh, thank you.

But you gotta tell Kady you killed her hamster.

What? Never mind.

The point is, this is not over yet, lady. Okay?

Daddy? What?

He's really cute, isn't he?

Yeah. So was the hamster.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

Look at the thing, it's creepy.

Daddy, you found Buddy!

Uh, yeah. And I put a leash on his neck,

so he can't get away again.

What's he doing?

He's sleeping right now.

So, you don't wanna wake him up.

He had a really busy day.

(SHUSHING)

No, he's lazy. We need to get some exercise.

(BOTH EXCLAIM)

Come on, Buddy.

Kady. Kady, baby... Baby... Kady...

(EXCLAIMING)

I take it you didn't complete your errands, honey?

I didn't have the time, sugar.

Well, you're gonna have to talk to her, sweetie.

I will, but I don't wanna break her heart, honeybuns.

Well, you broke his skull without a second thought,

didn't you there, cupcake?

And sooner or later you're gonna have to talk to her

and tell her the truth, ding-dong.

I will when I find the right words to say, dumpy.

I mean, dumping. Gling.

Cling? Gling.

Yeah, dumpling.

Talk to her. I will.

Can't we just get some little wheels and put it on him and drag him?

Would you just talk to her?

All right.

Look, Daddy, I have him trained!

Roll over.

Sit up.

Play dead.

He got that one down pat, huh?

Now, watch this.

Fetch!

Ta-da!

That was pretty amazing, huh?

Talk to her. Yeah.

We ran around the block three times.

Why aren't you eating?

Probably because there's a dead rat on the table.

I think I'm going to vomit.

Hey, Kady, I got an idea.

Why don't we take Buddy outside and feed him there, huh?

(KICKING) To what? Ow!

Okay.

Come, Buddy, jump down.

Oh, that's six, Kady.

Daddy, I can't reach it.

Will you please move it for me?

(GROANS) Again?

Hand me those Buddy tongs, please.

Okay, six.

One, two, three,

four, five, six!

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

Oh, all right. He wins. Buddy wins!

Buddy wins, Buddy wins!

Game over. Buddy wins.

We can't compete with Buddy.

Yeah. Kady, can you please give us a break?

Go put him to bed or something. MICHAEL: Yeah.

Yeah, sure, Mommy.

Okay.

Buddy, say good night. Okay, okay.

Good night, good night, good night, good night!

Okay, okay, good night, Buddy.

He's rubbing against you...

(SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

Sleep tight. Don't let the maggots bite.

Junior, follow her and make sure she doesn't touch that thing.

Oh, "Don't touch that thing."

That's all I ever hear.

(EXCLAIMS IN DISGUST)

Ha, ha, Dad lost to a dead hamster.

(MOCK LAUGHTER)

Have you told your mother what you did today in school?

(MOCK LAUGHTER)

(WHISPERS) You promised you wouldn't tell.

I'm not telling.

You're gonna tell.

Tell what? Yeah. Tell what?

I sort of pretended to be sick so I could stay home from school.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

You what? You what?

After I stuck up for you, Claire?

After she did all that sticking up for you?

I'm sorry, Mom, I shouldn't have done that.

She's sorry.

And she shouldn't have done that.

Why don't you tell her what else you shouldn't have done?

Go ahead. She'll want to hear this. Go ahead.

I kind of had a friend over.

Mmm-mmm-mmm.

Who?

Who was it? Erica?

What is her number? I'm gonna call her mother right now!

I think you should call her, and then ask her

who's this other friend that your daughter's hanging out with.

The one that came over here when we left and went out to work.

Go ahead, dial. Dial that number.

What other friend, Claire?

Yeah, what other friend?

Tony.

(STAMMERING) What was that?

What, what, what, what?

I think she said, "Tony."

That better be Toni with an "I," as in Toni Braxton.

No, I think that's Tony with a "Y,"

as in, why is your daughter still alive?

Oh, she won't be for long.

Well, I've gotta go 'cause I'm sure you two have

so much to talk about.

Yeah, yeah, it's better that way.

That way there's no witnesses.

Yeah, and you have to go talk to Kady.

Okay, hand me the Buddy tongs, please.

Thanks a lot, Daddy.

(SCREAMS) You're welcome, baby.

Hey. I thought you were gonna have that conversation with Kady.

I will.

I just had to put the curtain down

on the number two show in America.

Michael, I need to talk to you about Claire.

What hospital did you put her in?

No.

(CHUCKLES) Um... I decided to let her date.

You what? Jay...

Baby, baby, look.

I saw the look in this girl's eyes.

There's no way we're gonna keep her away from that boy,

so we have to take control of this situation.

You're right. I gotta kill him.

No! No.

And you can't kill them all.

Yeah, but I can make an example out of this one

and then the word will start to get around.

Baby, do you remember when we first started dating

how my parents were so against it?

Yeah. Well, you were their baby girl.

I'm trying to... Yes, yes.

My parents' overprotectiveness

forced us to sneak around behind their backs.

And because we didn't have the proper guidance,

we ended up with Junior.

I thought it was 'cause we didn't have a condom.

I'm not kidding. Jay, what are you saying?

I can't be a concerned father?

No. I'm saying you're gonna have to accept the reality

that she really, really likes this boy,

and there's nothing you can say or do to change that.

I mean, keeping them apart, Michael,

is gonna make him even more attractive to her.

I don't know what she finds so attractive about this kid anyway.

He's tall and skinny, got a bald head and pointy ears.

I mean, what does she find so cute about him?

I have no idea.

But, baby, don't you think it'd be easier if we just accept it?

No, it'd be easier just to bury him underneath the house.

Okay, listen.

I need for you to become friends with this boy

so that we can guide him and keep an eye on him.

Hmm. You mean like in The Godfather.

Keep your friends close and your enemies closer?

Yes. And if he messes up,

(IMITATING DON CORLEONE) he'll sleep with the fishes.

He'll sleep with the hamster.

Thank you.

Come on, Buddy.

What's the matter, baby?

Buddy won't play with me.

Um, come here.

I need to talk to you.

Remember in the movie The Lion King

when Simba's dad passed away?

Well, Buddy here is like Simba's dad.

He, uh...

He's gone to that big wheel in the sky.

So you mean he's dead?

Yes.

Yuck! You let me play with a dead hamster?

What's wrong with you?

Well, it was cute.

That's not cute. I'm cute.

Yes, you are. Come here.

Daddy's gonna buy you a new hamster.

And he's gonna let you replace this one.

And then nobody's gonna know the difference.

I think this happened before.

Why do you say that?

Because last week, Buddy was a rabbit.

Daddy, how did Buddy really die?

The truth?

Truth is Claire did it.

I see him. He's doing it again, Jay.

He's looking over in here.

I'll eat a box of prunes

and give you a real show, huh?

That crazy Michael Kyle is watching me every time I go to the bathroom.

He's a psycho!

JANIS: You're the psycho, Larry.

Yeah, they're all crazy over there, Janis.

Did you see their kid dragging around that dead rat?

Oh, I'm going to sleep, Larry.

Look at him. He's waving at me.

Close your window, you whack job!