All language subtitles for My.Wife.And.Kids.S02E10.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Thanks for the
computer upgrades, Mom.

They´re really gonna help me
with my school work.

Hey, you can´t
succeed in the world
without the proper tools

and I better see
a significant improvement
in your grades, boy.

Do you hear me?
Oh, for sure.

All right.
Hey, Dad.

Hey, Son.

Hey, what...
Hey, I thought you said

you were just going
shopping for towels.

I did.

When did Sony
start making towels?

Computer City
was having a sale.

I got Junior
some upgrades
on his computer.

That´s a deluxe
internet package.

Oh, great.
Now, his porno will pop up
just as fast as he does.

He´s not going to
use it for porno.

And how do you know that?

Because he told me!

Yeah.

He told you just like
he told you that he was
gonna feed the goldfish.

He did feed the goldfish.

Yeah, to the cat.

Michael, why do you
always have to be so
negative about your son?

You always think
he´s up to something.

Because he is my son,

which means he is always
up to something.

Maybe this time
it´s different.

Maybe this time
he really does have
a thirst for knowledge.

Oh, he´s got a thirst
for knowledge.

And he´s got a hunger
for knockers.

You´re trivializing this,
Michael.

The internet is the
information superhighway.

Yeah, Jay,
and you know what´s on
the side of every highway?

What?
Prostitutes.

That is ridiculous!

Michael,
the internet is like
the world´s library.

No, it´s the library
you go through to
get to the whorehouse.

Jay, end of discussion.
I want you to take that back.

I know what
this is all about.
What?

You´re computer illiterate
and you want everybody else
to be, too.

That is not true.

Come on.
I bought you a computer
for your office.

Where is it?
Still in a box.

It makes a great footrest.

End of discussion.

No! Michael,
this is not a dictatorship.

The internet is
great for everybody.

Kady can use it,
I can use it,
even you can use it.

Look, didn´t we agree
that with a purchase
this significant

we would at least
discuss it, especially
as it relates to the kids?

See? Now once again, Jay,
I got to be the bad guy
and take this stuff back.

No, you do not have to
be the bad guy ´cause
you´re not taking it back.

Oh, yes, I am.
Oh, no, you´re not.

I said
I´m taking it back.

Oh, and I´m calling
the shrink.

Okay, he can keep it.
No.

He can keep it. Jay...
No!

Put the phone down!
No, you played
your hand already. No.

What are you...
Who´re you calling?

I´m calling Dr. Bouche,
that´s who I´m calling.

Oh, Jay,
I was just playing.
I was just kidding.

"I´m taking it back."
"I´m taking it back."

"Put it down, woman!"

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Too late. Hi. Yes,
this is Jay Kyle.

I´d like to make
an emergency appointment...

Emergency? What am I,
O.J. Simpson?
...for me and my husband.

Why you gotta go
and call it an emergency?

Huh? Oh.
7:00 a.m. good for you?

Aw!
Oh, he loves it.

Yes. Okay, we´ll be there.

Uh-huh. Separate
parking spaces, please.

Thank you.

BOUCHE: So what
brings you here today?

This woman don´t listen
to nothing I say.
This man never listens
to anything I say.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, hey, hey! Hold on!

Jay, why don´t you go first?

Okay.
Wait. Oh, wait.

Why does Jay go first?

I´m the one paying
for these sessions.

Okay, Michael.

Since it´s so
important to you,
you go first.

No. I wanna hear what
she´s got to say first.

That´s the problem
right there.

He tries to
control everything.

Mmm-hmm, a control freak.
Mmm-hmm, I see that.

No, no.
This is not about me
being a control freak.

This is about
the simple fact

that this woman
don´t do nothing
I ask her to do.

I asked her to
take something
back to the store.

(SIGHS)
She refused to do that.

You hear him, right?
Mmm-hmm.

You hear him, right?
I hear him.

I am a grown woman.
My husband tries to
tell me what to do.

This is supposed to be
an equal partnership here.

Equal?
Equal!

No. How is it equal

when I buy you diamonds
for our anniversary

and you give me
a picture of you?

It´s equal, Michael,

because I´m the one who
spit all these kids out.

I´m the one who
did that, Michael.

Yeah. You know what?
You´re gonna play the
birth card? Right?

You always throw it out.
Anytime things get hairy,

you throw the placenta.
Pow! On the table.

Yeah, but you know what?

You never talk about
all the hard work I put
into making them kids.

Ooh, a whole three minutes!

That was three
of my best minutes.

And we don´t even count
the six minutes of foreplay.

We never talk about that.
See, I don´t throw that
in your face.

Ooh! I´m sensing
a lot of hostility
from the both of you.

Michael, tell me.

Why do you think
the buck should
stop with you?

It´s simple.

I am more equipped to
make the hard decisions
in the house.

(SCOFFS) Why?

Yeah. Why do you
feel that way?

Because men are
just logical creatures.
That´s what we do.

(SCOFFS) Just because you
have pointy little ears

doesn´t make you
more logical, Mr. Spock.

Michael, there´s
nothing wrong with a man
expressing his feelings.

Look, I myself

can laugh at
a playful puppy.
Thank you.

Cry at a sad movie.
Mmm-hmm.

And rejoice in the smell
of a newborn baby.

That´s because you´re a woman.

See? And women are
much more emotional.

See? And there´s nothing
wrong with that.

Because that´s what
gives them the strength
to have babies.

But God knows
that logic says

sending a bowling ball
through a garden hose
would hurt.

See, but women,
blinded by all that emotion,

they don´t even
feel the pain.

Oh, we feel the pain.

And pretty soon,
you´re gonna
feel it, too.

Ha! See? That was
an emotional response.

(IN MOCKING TONE)
Emotional. Emotional.

See, that´s what
prevents you from
making that clear-cut

decision.

You may be filled
with more logic,

but that doesn´t
always lead to good
decision-making, Michael.

(IMITATES JAY SCOFFING)

Ain´t that how you said it?

(CONTINUES IMITATING)

Look, we´ve covered
a lot of interesting ground
here, today.

Here´s what
I want you to do.

I want you to go home
and work on having

a marriage
that is truly equal.

You mean,
where no one´s in charge.

No. You´re both in charge.
But equally.

And all decisions
are made jointly.

Well, that´s the
stupidest thing
I´ve ever heard.

And I´m paying
for this, right?

What do you want?

Nothing, my favorite
big brother.

Well, can you do nothing
outside of my room,
my least favorite sister?

Come on,
don´t be so mean.

What do you want?
And talk fast.

You know that guy
you hang out with,

John, from the
basketball team?
I think his name is John.

Faster.

Does he have a girlfriend?

I don´t know. Why?
Do you like him?

Maybe. Kind of.

What do you like about him?

I don´t know.
It´s something about the way
he stands and chews his gum.

And that thing
he does with his hair.

Oh, you mean comb it?

Yeah!

Do you think he likes me?

I don´t know.
Let´s ask him.

Hey, John, do you
like my little sister?

What are you doing?

Oh, see that thing?
It´s a webcam.

It sends out pictures
of my room 24-hours a day
on juniorkyle.com.

No way.
Yeah.

All my friends
got ´em, too,
including John.

See, look,
he´s waving at you.

(GRUNTS) I hate you!

Not you, John.

You forgot to
close the door, Michael.

No, I opened it, partner.
You close it.

Aren´t you gonna get
the rest of the bags?

Oh, no. You said
"equal relationship."
I got my two.

All you got was
cotton balls, toilet paper
and potato chips.

Yeah, I figured
my partner could handle

the three turkeys
and those six
cases of water.

Go on, partner.
Come on, partner.

I´ll get it when I´m ready.

Hey, girls.

Hey.

I think I´m gonna go
watch some television.

You don´t think that´s
subconscious aggression

manifesting itself,
do you, Kady?

I hope not.

Maybe I´d better
run it by my partner.
See how she feels.

Get her opinion before I
make that critical decision
to watch SportsCenter.

Huh, Claire?
I don´t know.

Atta girl. See,
I appreciate someone

who says they
don´t know something when
they don´t know something.

Partner.

Okay, girls. What do
you want for dinner,
chicken or pork chops?

Daddy doesn´t
like pork chops.

Pork chops it is.

Are you and Daddy fighting?

No, baby,
we´re not fighting.

Come on, Mom.
We all know when you
and Dad are on the outs.

We´re not fighting.
We´re fine.

Okay. Then why don´t you
go in there and let Daddy
give you a big kiss?

Oh, I got something
he could kiss, all right.

Now they want equal.

What are you
talking about?

I´m talking about
the difficulty of
living with a woman.

The only other option
is to live with a man.

You know, right now
that don´t sound too bad.

I was kidding.

No, you think about it.
See, men know how to
get along with other men.

You take Jackie Chan
and Chris Tucker.

See, they beat the
crap out of each other.
Nobody had to go to therapy.

He was like,
"Man, he beats me, man.

"He beats me.
It´s like living
with a monkey.

"He hit me here,
he hit me here.

"Always Chinese food,
we got Moo Goo Gai Pan
and all this, man!

"Can you understand the words
coming out of my mouth?"

So, are you saying
you want me to marry
a guy who beats me?

Only if you love him, Son.

Look, I´m kidding.
What I´m saying is

only if a man is married
to another man

is that an
equal relationship.

Then, it´s almost perfect.

Except the honeymoon.

What happens then?

Well, somebody
got to lay down.

That´s the thing
that keeps me from
signing up with that team.

Boy, I´m glad we had
this conversation, Son.

Dad, let me give you
the best advice
you´re ever gonna hear.

Sure, buddy.

I don´t know
what´s going on
between you and Mom,

but whatever it is,
fix it.

Hey.

You forgot something.

Put five dollars in my belt,

I´ll take my pants off.

(CHUCKLES)

I´m laughing,
but I don´t forgive you.
I´m still mad at you.

Don´t be. Listen.

I thought about us
this morning
when I woke up

and I tried to
imagine I was you.

And?

It was good. I spent, like,
15 minutes in the shower

playing with my breasts.

Oh, baby. I hate it
when we fight.

I mean, I wouldn´t call
what we had a fight.

It was more like
a heated discussion.

Oh, really?

Oh, ´cause, you know,
if it was a fight fight,

then we´d have to do
something really special
to make up.

Oh, then that was a fight.
It was a big, nasty,
ugly fight.

(LAUGHING) And if
it was really, really,
really, really bad

we´d have to repair
the damages immediately.

You mean, like,
right here?

Mmm-hmm. Right now.

Boy, I feel so dirty.

Yeah. Isn´t it nice?

Maybe it´s the room.

(GIGGLING) Yes.

Wait, hold up, hold up.
Got to use protection.

What?

Put that on.

(JAY LAUGHING EXCITEDLY)

Oh, yeah.

(BOTH MOANING)

Hello.

Hi.
Hi.

Oh, you guys are weird.

Uh-huh.
That´s right.

Look, I´m going upstairs.
I think something´s
wrong with my computer.

I checked my website
from school

and it said I had
16,000 hits.

How could that be?

You were amazing.

No, that was you.
You were the one
calling all the plays.

And you haven´t done
that naked dance for me
in a long time.

Want to see it again?
I´ll do the helicopter.

(WHOOPING)

Stop.

(JUNIOR SCREAMING)

Junior!

What´s wrong?
My eyes! My eyes!

What´s wrong
with your eyes?

No, please blind me.
Please!

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Junior, it´s some of
your friends outside.

Oh, they´re waving.

Hi. Hi, boys.

They´re blowing kisses.
That is so sweet.
Oh, no!

Get away from there!

What is wrong with you?

Oh, I can´t say!

You didn´t hurt yourself,
did you?

No, I´m okay. Physically.

It can´t be that bad.

Oh, it´s worse!

Okay, look. Jay,
I think is guy stuff.
Let me...

Okay. Fine.
Let me handle this.

I´ll be
in the kitchen.

Junior.

Talk to me.
Talk to Dad.
What´s up?

(INAUDIBLE)

What?

Spit it out!
What? What? What?

It´s not gonna
shock me. Tell me!

I can´t say, Dad.

I think I better show you.

Okay,
now what´s all this
foolishness about?

Look at my
computer screen, Dad.

You see?
This is exactly what
I said was gonna happen.

You´re on the internet
looking at porn.

Oh, that´s not porn.

I know porn
when I see it,
and that´s porn!

That´s amateur porn.

Look at it.
This guy don´t even
know what he´s doing.

Trying to steal
one of my moves.

(LAUGHS) And look
how fast he´s finished.

Information highway,
my behind.

Wait a minute.

That is my behind!

(MICHAEL SCREAMING)

What is it?
He hurt himself?

No, he´s fine,
but I think
you need to sit down.

Oh God,
it´s bad, isn´t it?

Well, that depends
on what angle
you´re looking at.

Michael, explain to me
what´s going on
in this house.

It´s not just
this house anymore, Jay,
it´s a whole lot of houses.

Explain, please!

Okay.
You know all that
computer stuff

that I told you to
bring back to the store?

Michael, don´t start.

Don´t start,
we just made up.

I know we made up,
but now everybody else
know we made up.

What are you saying?

Jay, one of the upgrades
that you bought for that
computer was a camera.

So? It´s for his education.

Oh, yeah.
You gave a whole lot
of people an education.

See, that camera
stays on 24 hours a day

and it broadcasts
all around the world.

Michael, I still
don´t see what all
the screaming is about.

I mean,
what happened in his room
in the last 24 hours

that was so terrible?

(JAY SCREAMING)

Congratulations, Dad.
You and Mom are famous now.

I can never
leave the house again.

Look, Junior,
it´s not that bad.

I mean, your mother and I
are two married,

consenting adults

who happen to be
very much in love
with each other.

And you are
old enough to know
what married people do.

See, I know
that intellectually.

But I´ve only really
accepted the fact that
you´ve done it three times.

And I certainly
never wanted to see it.

This is horrifying.

No, it´s embarrassing,
and that´s it.

No, that´s not it.
I can never sleep
in my bed again.

Why not?

I don´t want
to be anywhere where
you and Mom had sex.

Then you better
get off that couch.

(EXCLAIMS)

And off that chair.

And off those stairs.
Don´t touch that banister.

Hey, sexy.

Don´t start
with me, Michael.

Hey, Kady. You and Devon
finished playing already?

No, I just have
to go make a poo.

All right.

Hey, little man,
what´s happening?

Hi, Mr. Kyle.

Mrs. Kyle,
my big brother says
you are really pretty.

Aw!
Really?

Sweet.
Oh, Devon,
that is really sweet.

And you are.

Oh, Devon.

What a charmer, huh?

So, you play football?

No. Why?

My big brother says
you wear a helmet.

Get him out of here.

Why don´t I punt him
over the fence?

Why don´t you wait for Kady?
She´ll be right back, okay?

I never imagined
I could feel this
ashamed of myself, Michael.

What are you ashamed of?
Making love to your
stud-like husband?

Come on, Michael.

Right now, I´m out there
in cyberspace somewhere,
buck naked.

Yeah, but nobody´s
gonna recognize you.
You had the helmet on.

You were right.
You were right, Michael.

I should have never
bought that computer stuff,
and I´m taking it back.

See, there you go again,
making decisions without
talking to me first.

I´m... I´m agreeing
with you.

See, well,
I disagree with you.
I think we should keep it.

Okay, you´ve done it.
I´m officially crazy.

No, Jay, listen.
I was thinking.

Look, Junior got
over 16,000 hits
on the first day.

I never realized
how amazing this internet was.

This could be great
for my business.

Imagine if I would´ve
had the company logo on
the front of that helmet?

I take it back.
You´re crazy.

Move. Get out of my way.

Jay, all I´m saying
is you´re right.

You´re right.
This internet is great!

I mean,
I should be on it,
you should be on it.

The kids should
be on it, everybody!

I got this vision
where we hook up, like,
all these different computers

and we start something
like a... Like a...
Like a world wide web!

Wow!
Yeah!

You thought of that yourself?

What do you think?

Genius!
Call somebody on that!

Call Al Gore, Michael!
You think?

Maybe I could track him
down on the web.

Michael, what about
the porn?

Oh, we could
do that again.

But I wanna wear
the helmet this time.

You know what
I´m talking about.

One minute you´re
all upset about it,
the next it doesn´t matter?

No, see,
I found a solution, Jay.

I was surfing the web.
That´s what the kids say.

"We´re surfing the web."

And I found out that
you can get parental locks
to block out porn.

There´s no reason
why we shouldn´t
have this, Jay.

You do realize
what´s happened, right?

We´ve totally
flip-flopped positions.

That´s the second time
this week, baby.

Partner.

Hey, baby.
What you doing?

Hey, you.
I´m checking today´s e-mail.

We´re down to only 214 a day.

Wow. We got some
loyal followers.

This one is for you.

It´s from a woman
in Sweden. Read that.

(IN SWEDISH ACCENT)
"Dear, hot chocolate."

(LAUGHS)

"I am getting out of jail
in three months

"and would like to
bring you cheese."

Hey, guys.
I got good news.

We´re not the hot topic
at school anymore.

Really? What took us
off the front page?

The principal got caught
fooling around with
Lonny O´Brien´s mother.

Whoa. Wait, isn´t your
principal a woman?

That´s right.

Well, baby, looks like
your 15 minutes of fame
are over.

Congratulations.
(WHOOPS) Thank you.

Hey, Junior.
Where you at?
It´s dinnertime.

JUNIOR: I´m already
downstairs, Dad.

Where´s your sister?

She´s at
a friend´s house.

Okay.

This is for all my fans
on the world wide web.

Come to Kyle´s Trucking.

Who´s trucking?
Who´s trucking?

Let´s check out
my brother´s web cam.

I´ll be he´s doing
something disgusting.

(IN SWEDISH ACCENT)
This is for you, Sweden.

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

I never realized the,
the potential of the internet.

This thing could be
great for my business.

Imagine if I had
my company logo

written on...

You´ll get it.