Original subtitles

Thanks for the computer upgrades, Mom.

They´re really gonna help me with my school work.

Hey, you can´t succeed in the world without the proper tools

and I better see a significant improvement in your grades, boy.

Do you hear me? Oh, for sure.

All right. Hey, Dad.

Hey, Son.

Hey, what... Hey, I thought you said

you were just going shopping for towels.

I did.

When did Sony start making towels?

Computer City was having a sale.

I got Junior some upgrades on his computer.

That´s a deluxe internet package.

Oh, great. Now, his porno will pop up just as fast as he does.

He´s not going to use it for porno.

And how do you know that?

Because he told me!

Yeah.

He told you just like he told you that he was gonna feed the goldfish.

He did feed the goldfish.

Yeah, to the cat.

Michael, why do you always have to be so negative about your son?

You always think he´s up to something.

Because he is my son,

which means he is always up to something.

Maybe this time it´s different.

Maybe this time he really does have a thirst for knowledge.

Oh, he´s got a thirst for knowledge.

And he´s got a hunger for knockers.

You´re trivializing this, Michael.

The internet is the information superhighway.

Yeah, Jay, and you know what´s on the side of every highway?

What? Prostitutes.

That is ridiculous!

Michael, the internet is like the world´s library.

No, it´s the library you go through to get to the whorehouse.

Jay, end of discussion. I want you to take that back.

I know what this is all about. What?

You´re computer illiterate and you want everybody else to be, too.

That is not true.

Come on. I bought you a computer for your office.

Where is it? Still in a box.

It makes a great footrest.

End of discussion.

No! Michael, this is not a dictatorship.

The internet is great for everybody.

Kady can use it, I can use it, even you can use it.

Look, didn´t we agree that with a purchase this significant

we would at least discuss it, especially as it relates to the kids?

See? Now once again, Jay, I got to be the bad guy and take this stuff back.

No, you do not have to be the bad guy ´cause you´re not taking it back.

Oh, yes, I am. Oh, no, you´re not.

I said I´m taking it back.

Oh, and I´m calling the shrink.

Okay, he can keep it. No.

He can keep it. Jay... No!

Put the phone down! No, you played your hand already. No.

What are you... Who´re you calling?

I´m calling Dr. Bouche, that´s who I´m calling.

Oh, Jay, I was just playing. I was just kidding.

"I´m taking it back." "I´m taking it back."

"Put it down, woman!"

(BOTH LAUGHING)

Too late. Hi. Yes, this is Jay Kyle.

I´d like to make an emergency appointment...

Emergency? What am I, O.J. Simpson? ...for me and my husband.

Why you gotta go and call it an emergency?

Huh? Oh. 7:00 a.m. good for you?

Aw! Oh, he loves it.

Yes. Okay, we´ll be there.

Uh-huh. Separate parking spaces, please.

Thank you.

BOUCHE: So what brings you here today?

This woman don´t listen to nothing I say. This man never listens to anything I say.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, hey, hey! Hold on!

Jay, why don´t you go first?

Okay. Wait. Oh, wait.

Why does Jay go first?

I´m the one paying for these sessions.

Okay, Michael.

Since it´s so important to you, you go first.

No. I wanna hear what she´s got to say first.

That´s the problem right there.

He tries to control everything.

Mmm-hmm, a control freak. Mmm-hmm, I see that.

No, no. This is not about me being a control freak.

This is about the simple fact

that this woman don´t do nothing I ask her to do.

I asked her to take something back to the store.

(SIGHS) She refused to do that.

You hear him, right? Mmm-hmm.

You hear him, right? I hear him.

I am a grown woman. My husband tries to tell me what to do.

This is supposed to be an equal partnership here.

Equal? Equal!

No. How is it equal

when I buy you diamonds for our anniversary

and you give me a picture of you?

It´s equal, Michael,

because I´m the one who spit all these kids out.

I´m the one who did that, Michael.

Yeah. You know what? You´re gonna play the birth card? Right?

You always throw it out. Anytime things get hairy,

you throw the placenta. Pow! On the table.

Yeah, but you know what?

You never talk about all the hard work I put into making them kids.

Ooh, a whole three minutes!

That was three of my best minutes.

And we don´t even count the six minutes of foreplay.

We never talk about that. See, I don´t throw that in your face.

Ooh! I´m sensing a lot of hostility from the both of you.

Michael, tell me.

Why do you think the buck should stop with you?

It´s simple.

I am more equipped to make the hard decisions in the house.

(SCOFFS) Why?

Yeah. Why do you feel that way?

Because men are just logical creatures. That´s what we do.

(SCOFFS) Just because you have pointy little ears

doesn´t make you more logical, Mr. Spock.

Michael, there´s nothing wrong with a man expressing his feelings.

Look, I myself

can laugh at a playful puppy. Thank you.

Cry at a sad movie. Mmm-hmm.

And rejoice in the smell of a newborn baby.

That´s because you´re a woman.

See? And women are much more emotional.

See? And there´s nothing wrong with that.

Because that´s what gives them the strength to have babies.

But God knows that logic says

sending a bowling ball through a garden hose would hurt.

See, but women, blinded by all that emotion,

they don´t even feel the pain.

Oh, we feel the pain.

And pretty soon, you´re gonna feel it, too.

Ha! See? That was an emotional response.

(IN MOCKING TONE) Emotional. Emotional.

See, that´s what prevents you from making that clear-cut

decision.

You may be filled with more logic,

but that doesn´t always lead to good decision-making, Michael.

(IMITATES JAY SCOFFING)

Ain´t that how you said it?

(CONTINUES IMITATING)

Look, we´ve covered a lot of interesting ground here, today.

Here´s what I want you to do.

I want you to go home and work on having

a marriage that is truly equal.

You mean, where no one´s in charge.

No. You´re both in charge. But equally.

And all decisions are made jointly.

Well, that´s the stupidest thing I´ve ever heard.

And I´m paying for this, right?

What do you want?

Nothing, my favorite big brother.

Well, can you do nothing outside of my room, my least favorite sister?

Come on, don´t be so mean.

What do you want? And talk fast.

You know that guy you hang out with,

John, from the basketball team? I think his name is John.

Faster.

Does he have a girlfriend?

I don´t know. Why? Do you like him?

Maybe. Kind of.

What do you like about him?

I don´t know. It´s something about the way he stands and chews his gum.

And that thing he does with his hair.

Oh, you mean comb it?

Yeah!

Do you think he likes me?

I don´t know. Let´s ask him.

Hey, John, do you like my little sister?

What are you doing?

Oh, see that thing? It´s a webcam.

It sends out pictures of my room 24-hours a day on juniorkyle.com.

No way. Yeah.

All my friends got ´em, too, including John.

See, look, he´s waving at you.

(GRUNTS) I hate you!

Not you, John.

You forgot to close the door, Michael.

No, I opened it, partner. You close it.

Aren´t you gonna get the rest of the bags?

Oh, no. You said "equal relationship." I got my two.

All you got was cotton balls, toilet paper and potato chips.

Yeah, I figured my partner could handle

the three turkeys and those six cases of water.

Go on, partner. Come on, partner.

I´ll get it when I´m ready.

Hey, girls.

Hey.

I think I´m gonna go watch some television.

You don´t think that´s subconscious aggression

manifesting itself, do you, Kady?

I hope not.

Maybe I´d better run it by my partner. See how she feels.

Get her opinion before I make that critical decision to watch SportsCenter.

Huh, Claire? I don´t know.

Atta girl. See, I appreciate someone

who says they don´t know something when they don´t know something.

Partner.

Okay, girls. What do you want for dinner, chicken or pork chops?

Daddy doesn´t like pork chops.

Pork chops it is.

Are you and Daddy fighting?

No, baby, we´re not fighting.

Come on, Mom. We all know when you and Dad are on the outs.

We´re not fighting. We´re fine.

Okay. Then why don´t you go in there and let Daddy give you a big kiss?

Oh, I got something he could kiss, all right.

Now they want equal.

What are you talking about?

I´m talking about the difficulty of living with a woman.

The only other option is to live with a man.

You know, right now that don´t sound too bad.

I was kidding.

No, you think about it. See, men know how to get along with other men.

You take Jackie Chan and Chris Tucker.

See, they beat the crap out of each other. Nobody had to go to therapy.

He was like, "Man, he beats me, man.

"He beats me. It´s like living with a monkey.

"He hit me here, he hit me here.

"Always Chinese food, we got Moo Goo Gai Pan and all this, man!

"Can you understand the words coming out of my mouth?"

So, are you saying you want me to marry a guy who beats me?

Only if you love him, Son.

Look, I´m kidding. What I´m saying is

only if a man is married to another man

is that an equal relationship.

Then, it´s almost perfect.

Except the honeymoon.

What happens then?

Well, somebody got to lay down.

That´s the thing that keeps me from signing up with that team.

Boy, I´m glad we had this conversation, Son.

Dad, let me give you the best advice you´re ever gonna hear.

Sure, buddy.

I don´t know what´s going on between you and Mom,

but whatever it is, fix it.

Hey.

You forgot something.

Put five dollars in my belt,

I´ll take my pants off.

(CHUCKLES)

I´m laughing, but I don´t forgive you. I´m still mad at you.

Don´t be. Listen.

I thought about us this morning when I woke up

and I tried to imagine I was you.

And?

It was good. I spent, like, 15 minutes in the shower

playing with my breasts.

Oh, baby. I hate it when we fight.

I mean, I wouldn´t call what we had a fight.

It was more like a heated discussion.

Oh, really?

Oh, ´cause, you know, if it was a fight fight,

then we´d have to do something really special to make up.

Oh, then that was a fight. It was a big, nasty, ugly fight.

(LAUGHING) And if it was really, really, really, really bad

we´d have to repair the damages immediately.

You mean, like, right here?

Mmm-hmm. Right now.

Boy, I feel so dirty.

Yeah. Isn´t it nice?

Maybe it´s the room.

(GIGGLING) Yes.

Wait, hold up, hold up. Got to use protection.

What?

Put that on.

(JAY LAUGHING EXCITEDLY)

Oh, yeah.

(BOTH MOANING)

Hello.

Hi. Hi.

Oh, you guys are weird.

Uh-huh. That´s right.

Look, I´m going upstairs. I think something´s wrong with my computer.

I checked my website from school

and it said I had 16,000 hits.

How could that be?

You were amazing.

No, that was you. You were the one calling all the plays.

And you haven´t done that naked dance for me in a long time.

Want to see it again? I´ll do the helicopter.

(WHOOPING)

Stop.

(JUNIOR SCREAMING)

Junior!

What´s wrong? My eyes! My eyes!

What´s wrong with your eyes?

No, please blind me. Please!

(CAR HORN HONKING)

Junior, it´s some of your friends outside.

Oh, they´re waving.

Hi. Hi, boys.

They´re blowing kisses. That is so sweet. Oh, no!

Get away from there!

What is wrong with you?

Oh, I can´t say!

You didn´t hurt yourself, did you?

No, I´m okay. Physically.

It can´t be that bad.

Oh, it´s worse!

Okay, look. Jay, I think is guy stuff. Let me...

Okay. Fine. Let me handle this.

I´ll be in the kitchen.

Junior.

Talk to me. Talk to Dad. What´s up?

(INAUDIBLE)

What?

Spit it out! What? What? What?

It´s not gonna shock me. Tell me!

I can´t say, Dad.

I think I better show you.

Okay, now what´s all this foolishness about?

Look at my computer screen, Dad.

You see? This is exactly what I said was gonna happen.

You´re on the internet looking at porn.

Oh, that´s not porn.

I know porn when I see it, and that´s porn!

That´s amateur porn.

Look at it. This guy don´t even know what he´s doing.

Trying to steal one of my moves.

(LAUGHS) And look how fast he´s finished.

Information highway, my behind.

Wait a minute.

That is my behind!

(MICHAEL SCREAMING)

What is it? He hurt himself?

No, he´s fine, but I think you need to sit down.

Oh God, it´s bad, isn´t it?

Well, that depends on what angle you´re looking at.

Michael, explain to me what´s going on in this house.

It´s not just this house anymore, Jay, it´s a whole lot of houses.

Explain, please!

Okay. You know all that computer stuff

that I told you to bring back to the store?

Michael, don´t start.

Don´t start, we just made up.

I know we made up, but now everybody else know we made up.

What are you saying?

Jay, one of the upgrades that you bought for that computer was a camera.

So? It´s for his education.

Oh, yeah. You gave a whole lot of people an education.

See, that camera stays on 24 hours a day

and it broadcasts all around the world.

Michael, I still don´t see what all the screaming is about.

I mean, what happened in his room in the last 24 hours

that was so terrible?

(JAY SCREAMING)

Congratulations, Dad. You and Mom are famous now.

I can never leave the house again.

Look, Junior, it´s not that bad.

I mean, your mother and I are two married,

consenting adults

who happen to be very much in love with each other.

And you are old enough to know what married people do.

See, I know that intellectually.

But I´ve only really accepted the fact that you´ve done it three times.

And I certainly never wanted to see it.

This is horrifying.

No, it´s embarrassing, and that´s it.

No, that´s not it. I can never sleep in my bed again.

Why not?

I don´t want to be anywhere where you and Mom had sex.

Then you better get off that couch.

(EXCLAIMS)

And off that chair.

And off those stairs. Don´t touch that banister.

Hey, sexy.

Don´t start with me, Michael.

Hey, Kady. You and Devon finished playing already?

No, I just have to go make a poo.

All right.

Hey, little man, what´s happening?

Hi, Mr. Kyle.

Mrs. Kyle, my big brother says you are really pretty.

Aw! Really?

Sweet. Oh, Devon, that is really sweet.

And you are.

Oh, Devon.

What a charmer, huh?

So, you play football?

No. Why?

My big brother says you wear a helmet.

Get him out of here.

Why don´t I punt him over the fence?

Why don´t you wait for Kady? She´ll be right back, okay?

I never imagined I could feel this ashamed of myself, Michael.

What are you ashamed of? Making love to your stud-like husband?

Come on, Michael.

Right now, I´m out there in cyberspace somewhere, buck naked.

Yeah, but nobody´s gonna recognize you. You had the helmet on.

You were right. You were right, Michael.

I should have never bought that computer stuff, and I´m taking it back.

See, there you go again, making decisions without talking to me first.

I´m... I´m agreeing with you.

See, well, I disagree with you. I think we should keep it.

Okay, you´ve done it. I´m officially crazy.

No, Jay, listen. I was thinking.

Look, Junior got over 16,000 hits on the first day.

I never realized how amazing this internet was.

This could be great for my business.

Imagine if I would´ve had the company logo on the front of that helmet?

I take it back. You´re crazy.

Move. Get out of my way.

Jay, all I´m saying is you´re right.

You´re right. This internet is great!

I mean, I should be on it, you should be on it.

The kids should be on it, everybody!

I got this vision where we hook up, like, all these different computers

and we start something like a... Like a... Like a world wide web!

Wow! Yeah!

You thought of that yourself?

What do you think?

Genius! Call somebody on that!

Call Al Gore, Michael! You think?

Maybe I could track him down on the web.

Michael, what about the porn?

Oh, we could do that again.

But I wanna wear the helmet this time.

You know what I´m talking about.

One minute you´re all upset about it, the next it doesn´t matter?

No, see, I found a solution, Jay.

I was surfing the web. That´s what the kids say.

"We´re surfing the web."

And I found out that you can get parental locks to block out porn.

There´s no reason why we shouldn´t have this, Jay.

You do realize what´s happened, right?

We´ve totally flip-flopped positions.

That´s the second time this week, baby.

Partner.

Hey, baby. What you doing?

Hey, you. I´m checking today´s e-mail.

We´re down to only 214 a day.

Wow. We got some loyal followers.

This one is for you.

It´s from a woman in Sweden. Read that.

(IN SWEDISH ACCENT) "Dear, hot chocolate."

(LAUGHS)

"I am getting out of jail in three months

"and would like to bring you cheese."

Hey, guys. I got good news.

We´re not the hot topic at school anymore.

Really? What took us off the front page?

The principal got caught fooling around with Lonny O´Brien´s mother.

Whoa. Wait, isn´t your principal a woman?

That´s right.

Well, baby, looks like your 15 minutes of fame are over.

Congratulations. (WHOOPS) Thank you.

Hey, Junior. Where you at? It´s dinnertime.

JUNIOR: I´m already downstairs, Dad.

Where´s your sister?

She´s at a friend´s house.

Okay.

This is for all my fans on the world wide web.

Come to Kyle´s Trucking.

Who´s trucking? Who´s trucking?

Let´s check out my brother´s web cam.

I´ll be he´s doing something disgusting.

(IN SWEDISH ACCENT) This is for you, Sweden.

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

I never realized the, the potential of the internet.

This thing could be great for my business.

Imagine if I had my company logo

written on...

You´ll get it.