Original subtitles

Hey, what do you think about my suit?

Uh-uh. That's a loaded question.

Why?

Because you want me to say, "Oh, is that new? It makes you look so thin.

"And the color just makes your eyes jump out and dance."

That's not what you were thinking?

No. Here's what I was thinking,

"Whoo! Michael Jordan is back!

"And what is that annoying sound in my ear?"

Oh, hi, Jay.

"I wonder what color panties she got underneath that suit."

I'm serious. I wanna look good for Take Your Daughters To Work Day.

Jay, you're missing one of the biggest points about going to work.

And what is that?

People have jobs to get away from their children.

Yeah? Well, I'm thrilled my daughters are gonna be with me.

Especially today. Why today?

I put all my clients into this Bergstrom Technology stock,

and today they announce their quarterly earnings.

So my girls are gonna see an entire brokerage house say, "Go, Jay. Go, Jay.

"It's your big day. It's your big day."

Are you ready to go, Mommy?

Oh, look at her. She looks like a little Janet Jackson.

Five, four, three, two, one.

Hey, what are you doing with my camera, young lady?

No, baby. I have Claire making a video about her day with me.

You know she has that Take Your Daughters To Work Day project at school, right?

Babe, that was supposed to be just a one-page essay.

Michael, you're thinking so small.

On paper, it's a mere essay, but on video, it's an epic.

I just know we're gonna get an A on this one.

Oh, my God. Listen to you.

We? We?

Michael, come on. I'm just encouraging her to be all she can be.

Claire! Okay, let's hear your opening line.

Good morning. This is Claire Kyle with the Claire Kyle Report.

Whoa! Don't knock us out with all that energy.

What is wrong with you? You did it perfectly upstairs.

Come on, Claire.

If you tried, you could be the next Barbara Walters.

Who?

It's that chick on ABC that can make anybody cry.

Even Mr. T. He'll start out

talking 'bout "I pity the fool who mess with me."

And by the time she's finished, going,

"I am the fool. Pity me.

I made her cut my pants too tight."

Ha ha ha. Laugh all you want.

But today Clair is going to see

how women succeed in the workplace.

Whatever.

Clair, come on,

you could be a really good reporter.

And a good reporter never quits.

You have to be agressive.

You've got to sniff out the story

no matter where it leads you. Right, baby?

That's right.

Right. Come on. Junior, I'm leaving.

All right. Bye, Mom. Bye.

Bye, ladies. Love you. ALL: Bye.

This is so unfair.

How come Clair gets to ditch school and I don't?

Oh, you can ditch school.

You can come load refrigerators with me.

We'll call it, "Work Your Son Like a Slave Day."

I'll go to school.

And speaking of school, son.

Have you given any thought to what

you're going to be whan you graduate?

Besides 28 years old?

After high school I plan to travel the world for a couple of years.

Just to find myself.

Yeah, you're going to find yourself broke.

No I won't. 'Cause I plan on taking over your business.

Let me burst that little bubble, really quick.

I'm not working this hard to build a company

and then leave it to someone

who can't even remember to flush the toilet.

I'll be right back.

God, please let him be a late bloomer.

Come on, let's just start filming, okay?

Your job is boring.

For your information, missy, some of the most important people

walk through that door every single day.

Muffin guy.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were busy.

No, it's okay, Jimmy.

Hey, I want you to get this on camera.

This is Mommy interacting with the people.

Jimmy. Hi. How you doing? No muffins for me. Yuck!

What're you talking about? You always get two chocolate,

chocolate chip muffins with extra cream cheese.

No, I don't.

Uh, yeah, you do.

And then you say, "If I eat it standing up, it's no calories."

And I pretend to laugh, and you tip me, like, 50 cents.

Give me the damn thing, Jimmy.

Put it on my tab!

All right. All right. All right.

I'll be back with your double cheese bacon burrito

and your Cajun fries, 'cause you can't forget madame's Cajun fries.

Don't forget my Diet Coke.

Now I see a story. "Jay Kyle, cheating dieter."

(LAUGHS) You want to see the inside of the GAP again,

you might wanna cut that scene out.

Knock-knock.

Who's there?

Kevin. Kevin who?

Kevin Anderson.

That's not funny.

Kevin.

Girls, you know my boss, Mr. Anderson.

Hi. Hi.

Hello. Claire's doing a school report

on the day in the life of a successful broker. Isn't that great?

Yeah. Jay, I need to talk to you in private.

Uh, no, Kevin, look.

There's nothing you can't say in front of my girls, okay?

I want them to experience the gritty truth,

the cutthroat business that this really is. Okay?

So, let me have it. Hit me. What's up?

Uh, okay. Am I in the frame?

Yeah.

Jay, you're fired.

What?

I think I just found my story.

What do you mean you're firing me?

I'm sorry. We have to let you go.

But I made this company a lot of money, Kevin.

Well, the gritty truth is

we lost it all today.

Bergstrom Technologies went in the crapper.

Well, Kevin, this is who I am.

I'm a stockbroker. It's all I know.

You can't fire me!

- Yeah, that's right! - Owww!

This isn't fair, Kevin.

Life isn't fair.

Don't make this any harder. Go, Jay.

But... Go, Jay. It's your last day.

But... It's your last day.

There we have it. The face of humiliation.

A mother's disgrace.

Out of work, overwrought and overweight.

I'm sorry, Kevin. I'm not going anywhere.

If you want me out of here

You're going to have to throw me out

and I don't think you're man enough to do it.

You're right, I'm not.

But he is.

Hi, baby. Hi, Daddy.

How was your day at work?

Mommy got laid.

Off. Laid off.

Oh, I'm sorry. What happened?

(SIGHS)

Bergstrom Technologies went in the toilet, and so did my career.

(DISHES CLATTERING)

What're you looking for? Nothing.

I just feel like slamming things.

(SIGHS)

Honey, what happened?

That beady-eyed little weasel made me take a fall

for a one-day stock fluctuation.

You know how many times I saved his sorry butt?

How many times I covered for his stupidity, Michael?

I have a golden gut, Michael.

I know I was right about that stock.

Every instinct in my body tells me they sold that stock too soon.

Do you know the PE ratio on that stock?

What's a PE ratio? Shut up!

You're just like him! You're bald and male!

Baby, I'm sorry.

Oh, I bet you are sorry. Oh, you're sorry, huh?

Sorry I'm here now to cook and clean for you and wait on you hand and foot.

I bet you're sorry, huh? You happy about that, Michael?

You happy? You happy, Michael? Happy?

Well, you know... Shut up!

Will you stop interrupting me? I do not want your answers.

I don't want you to fix this. I just want to yell for a while.

Is that all right with you?

I'm talking to you!

I don't know what to say!

Come here, Jay. Come here.

Michael, I worked so hard on this.

I know you did.

Baby. Baby, I researched this backwards and forwards.

I know. This was supposed to be good for everybody.

I know. I know. I know.

You sure you're not happy about this?

Jay, how can I be happy?

You get fired. When you cry, I cry.

(INAUDIBLE)

Did you get it? I got it.

Jay, what're you doing up? It's 5:00 in the morning.

Oh, please. I've been up for hours.

You know what I was thinking, babe?

I should really put a positive spin on all of this, right?

I guess. I mean,

you know, even a kick in the pants is still forward movement.

Exactly. Exactly. See...

There are tons of projects that I can finally get to around this house.

Like, look. Already this morning I defrosted the freezer,

I cleaned out the gutter, and look at this, baby, look at this.

I organized the cereals according to sugar content.

Since you got all this energy,

why don't you come upstairs and rearrange my sock drawer?

(LAUGHS)

What, you my boss now?

Oh, oh, oh. You just snap your fingers and I move, huh?

I just move, huh?

Jay, relax.

(SIGHS) Baby. Baby, you are so high-strung.

Look, I guess I am a little tiny bit tense.

Tiny bit? Your shoulders feel like rocks.

(SIGHS) I know.

Michael, I just keep seeing in my head, over and over again, me getting fired

over and over again.

Well, look, let's take your mind off of this.

You wanna do that couple's yoga tape that Dr. Bouche gave us?

You'd really do that with me? But you hate yoga.

Yeah. But I love you.

And I'd do anything to see you relax.

Baby, this is so relaxing.

Yeah, as long as she don't say, "Breathe deeply."

Now breathe deeply.

Our next position is called the downward facing dog.

JAY: Oh, I love this one.

(GRUNTS)

Yeah, that is a good one.

(BARKS)

It's time for you and your partner to heighten your state of intimacy.

Yeah. That's what I'm talking about.

Close your eyes, hold your partner's hand,

and feel the union of your spirit.

MMM, I feel it. You feel it?

Now get ready to really connect.

Connect, baby.

It's time to achieve the ultimate esctasy...

by stopping.

- What? - You heard me.

Stopping talk.

Communicate with your partner

while I hum for you.

(HUMMING)

Oh, baby, this is so great.

Thank you so much.

(HUMMING) Oh, your welcome.

Turn that tape off before I choke that lady

through the TV.

Hey, babe. What're you up to? Hey.

I'm done.

With what? Everything.

There's nothing else for me to do.

There's got to be something to do. Why don't you...

What is it? What? What? Tell me. I'll do anything else.

I don't know. Why don't you do Kady's hair or something?

Oh, I did Kady's hair already.

Kady, come in here!

Whoa!

It's like Honey, I Shrunk Buckwheat.

Don't you love it?

(IMITATING PORKY) Looks otay.

Oh, baby. So, what're you doing? What're you up to?

Tell Mommy everything.

Mom, I play and I poop. That's all I do.

Can I just have an apple?

Yeah. Oh, baby, you can have an apple.

You want it peeled, cored, candy, or baked?

I just wanna eat it.

Oh, fine. All right. Here you go.

Good luck.

You're a good-looking man.

Thank you.

Love you.

I love you, too.

I love being here.

Everything's done.

(SIGHS)

I'm just happy watching you, you know.

Good.

I love watching your eyes when you read.

The way your shirt moves when you breathe.

And I just noticed the way your jaw clenches when I'm talking.

What's wrong, baby?

Nothing.

Nothing? And now there's a little vein pulsating right there at your temple.

Come on, baby. If there's something bothering you, you can talk to me.

Tell me. I will not get upset.

Okay, Jay, I think you've become a teeny bit too efficient.

What do you mean by that?

That. That. That's what I'm talking about.

Ever since you stopped working, you can't stop working.

You're starting to exhibit what some might call obsessive-compulsive behavior.

That is not true.

Yes, with some serious mood swings.

So, what're you saying, Michael? Huh?

What're you saying?

(STAMMERING) Well, I'm...

You're saying I'm an empty shell of a woman, that's what you're saying!

No!

You're saying I'm a lousy housewife!

No... You're saying...

No, I got what you're saying, Michael. I got what you're saying.

You're saying, apparently, I can't function in a workplace,

so I can't function here.

Well, let me tell you something, Mr. I Still Got My Job.

Why don't I just lay myself on the front porch,

(STOMPING) and y'all can just use me as a welcome mat?

How about that?

Great coffee.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Jay, will you stop watching this stuff?

It's the only thing I can relate to, Michael.

It's in Spanish.

It doesn't matter whether it's in Spanish, Swahili or Russian.

The only language I understand is loser.

Okay.

You know what? I'm really glad you did that.

Because I can't stand to see these commercials anymore.

The new Tide works and I don't.

Jay, look. Let's put on that yoga tape.

That helped you before.

(SIGHING) Michael,

I was positive that stock was gonna work and I was wrong.

You gotta let it go, baby. Stop looking at the glass as half empty.

You know, the only thing in my glass right now

is the dust from the leftover crushed dreams of what could've been.

Damn!

Is there anything I can do for you?

Yeah. Wanna fool around?

I'm all yours.

Yeah, you sure make that look good.

Come on, baby, clean yourself up. Let's go out to dinner.

Hear some jazz music. Candlelight dinner, huh?

(SOBBING)

What? What did I say?

You're too good for me.

Can't use that footage.

You were filming that?

Yeah. Mom told me no matter what, to be aggressive and get the story.

What's wrong with her?

Look, she took a really hard fall,

and it's gonna take all of us to help put those pieces back together.

I don't know. It seems like she's being over-the-top to me.

I think she's blowing this thing way out of proportion.

No, it's kind of like...

Remember when you got thrown off the cheerleading squad?

(SOBBING)

You just had to bring that up, didn't you?

Okay. I'm two for two.

You look great, Mom. Where are you going?

I'm going to the cleaners.

Dressed like that?

I don't want anybody to know I got fired.

Oh. Well, if you have some time later,

I could sure use some help with my homework.

Sure. What're you working on? Shakespeare.

Shakespeare?

Yeah. I don't understand all the thous, thys and this's.

Honey, I love Shakespeare.

I've read all 37 plays. Which one are you working on?

The one where the guy dies at the end.

Hand me the book, Junior.

Junior, this is Othello. You should love this.

It's full of betrayal, sex and murder.

Oh, there's sex in this?

It's full of heaving bosoms and throbbing loins. Yes.

Well, that sounds cool, but I can't figure out how to read it.

You know what? It's a matter of getting into the rhythm of the language.

It's sort of like rap.

You can't understand half the things they're saying,

but sometimes you can feel it, right?

Yeah, that's deep, Mom. Thanks.

Hey, I'm deep, Junior.

So, I'll tell you what, I'll help you work on it tonight.

Okay? What do you say?

Oh, cool. That sounds great.

Cool. You got a date.

Hey, Mom. Yeah.

I love you.

I love you, too, Junior.

Hey, where you going?

To the mall.

Oh. You finished with your movie project?

Well, I was kind of hoping for a happy ending.

Oh, you are a sweet girl.

You dress like a hussy, but you're a sweet girl.

Mom! What?

What? I'm sorry. Why don't you go to the mall and get some decent clothes, Claire?

Like what?

I don't know. Something that doesn't show your appendix.

Mom, I wear what all the other kids wear.

Well, if you keep thinking like that,

you're gonna end up like all the other kids.

Claire, why don't you try this?

Why don't you try some brighter colors?

Really? Yeah.

Well, why don't you come and help me pick out some stuff?

(IMITATING VALLEY GIRL VOICE) What? You'd actually want to be seen at the mall

with your mom?

(IMITATING VALLEY GIRL VOICE) I do if she's got her credit cards.

Okay. Okay. Why don't I drop this off and we can head over there?

Okay. But if we see anybody I know, you're my aunt from Florida.

Okay. If we see anybody I know, it's my day off.

And now, again, for her spring look, we have Claire Kyle

modeling her beautiful ensemble,

set off with stacked Mary Janes.

Hey, there's a stacked Mary Jane in my class I'd love to try on.

(LAUGHS) Why don't you try this on?

Ow!

That hurt.

Yes, it's supposed to hurt. It's a tragedy by your favorite author.

It's Richard III. Oh.

Sounds like you guys had a great time at the mall today.

We really did.

Yeah. Mom ate two humongous cinnabuns.

Really?

They were stuck together.

They were.

Well, Kady and I haven't been sitting on our hands, either.

We actually worked on a little something to entertain you with.

Here's the booty trumpet. Go ahead.

Thank you, Daddy. Mmm-hmm.

I will now play You Are My Sunshine on the booty trumpet.

Drum roll, please.

Uh-oh!

It was hilarious. Did you see her face?

I didn't teach her that part. She improvised in a hurry.

Oh, it feels so good to laugh.

Yeah? Well, I got some news that may cheer you up even more.

What? You gonna clean Kady up?

No. Not that good.

Hey, you know my friend Eric Goldman?

His bank does a lot of business down at this brokerage firm,

and they're looking for a liaison.

Now, it may not be definite, and it'll probably be part-time,

but he thinks you'd be great.

That is the nicest thing you have ever said to me.

I'll give him a call.

Are you sure about this, Michael?

You know, right now you have the perfect world.

Jay, my world can never be perfect unless you're happy.

You know what? You just earned yourself some downward facing dog.

And I got a shock for you, honey.

Mmm. I am happy.

You know, today, I got to help Junior with his Shakespeare,

and to tell you the truth, I was beginning to feel like

that boy wasn't all that bright.

I still feel that way. Mmm.

But he is, Michael.

He just needed some personal attention from me

that I haven't been able to give him.

And then, going to the mall with Claire,

you know, she's as shallow as a kiddie pool.

But I actually got to get her to put some clothes on.

To cover the belly button and everything. And that's major.

So, what do you think?

I haven't heard anything you said since "downward facing dog."

Kevin, what're you doing here?

You were right about Bergstrom Technology.

They got a big government contract today.

Their stock is through the roof.

All the clients want you back. With a big raise, of course.

Wow, that's really flattering.

Well?

Um...

(EXCLAIMS) Come on, Kady.

You can't use your hands. No hands.

Thank you, but no thank you.

Come on, Jay.

You said yourself, this is your life, this is who you are.

Mmm. Yeah. I am a very good stockbroker.

But, Kevin, this is my life and this is who I am.

You won't change your mind?

No.

You bought a bunch of Bergstrom Technology yourself, didn't you?

(LAUGHS) A ton. Bye-bye.

Wait for me.