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1
00:00:05,439 --> 00:00:06,469
(WHISTLING)
2
00:00:06,507 --> 00:00:08,107
Hi, baby.
Hi.
3
00:00:08,142 --> 00:00:09,412
Michael, get that thing
away from me.
4
00:00:09,443 --> 00:00:10,443
What?
5
00:00:10,478 --> 00:00:11,308
Michael, get it away
from me.
6
00:00:11,345 --> 00:00:12,805
You don't even know
what's in there.
7
00:00:12,846 --> 00:00:14,546
Yes, I do.
What?
8
00:00:14,582 --> 00:00:16,552
It's a piece of lemon
meringue pie from
Himele Farms Bakery.
9
00:00:16,584 --> 00:00:18,224
I can smell it
from here.
10
00:00:19,353 --> 00:00:21,523
Isn't it beautiful?
Look at that.
Oh.
11
00:00:21,555 --> 00:00:23,015
That cream
is like a cloud.
12
00:00:23,057 --> 00:00:28,327
And that yellow, that's
the same color yellow
as an Englishman's tooth.
13
00:00:28,362 --> 00:00:31,372
Michael, why
are you torturing me?
You know I'm on a diet.
14
00:00:31,399 --> 00:00:33,069
Look, I'm just
trying to help you.
15
00:00:33,101 --> 00:00:35,371
It'd be easier
if you brought
another woman in this house
16
00:00:35,403 --> 00:00:37,143
than me dealing
with that pie.
17
00:00:37,171 --> 00:00:38,771
I didn't know
I had that option.
18
00:00:40,541 --> 00:00:42,381
Will you just
get it out of my face?
19
00:00:42,410 --> 00:00:44,310
Eat it
or something.
Please, hurry up.
20
00:00:44,345 --> 00:00:46,205
Jay, I can't just eat it.
21
00:00:46,247 --> 00:00:48,717
You gotta dim the lights.
This is halftime pie.
22
00:00:48,749 --> 00:00:51,189
I forgot about the foreplay.
I'm so sorry.
23
00:00:51,219 --> 00:00:54,289
Hey, don't be jealous
of the pie, baby.
It's just pie.
24
00:00:54,322 --> 00:00:55,722
Where's my fork?
25
00:00:55,756 --> 00:00:57,456
(SIGHS IN ANNOYANCE)
26
00:00:57,491 --> 00:00:59,831
Here.
27
00:00:59,860 --> 00:01:03,160
(IN CHILDISH VOICE)
That's the baby.
That's the baby.
28
00:01:03,197 --> 00:01:05,197
It'll make the pie last.
29
00:01:07,135 --> 00:01:09,195
Tiny utensils is
really not a bad idea.
30
00:01:09,237 --> 00:01:11,407
I could share that
with my chubby buddies.
31
00:01:11,439 --> 00:01:14,279
You mean all them fat chicks
that come over here
and break up the furniture?
32
00:01:14,308 --> 00:01:18,148
That is very insensitive,
Michael. They are not fat.
33
00:01:18,146 --> 00:01:20,206
They're thin deprived.
34
00:01:20,248 --> 00:01:24,148
Why is it every week
you got a new name for
them except small?
35
00:01:26,187 --> 00:01:27,317
Now, look, I'm bald.
36
00:01:27,355 --> 00:01:32,255
I don't call
myself excessively
foreheaded syndrome.
37
00:01:32,293 --> 00:01:36,263
Michael, this group
is very important to me.
I can't lose weight on my own.
38
00:01:36,297 --> 00:01:38,767
So you need to get
all your jokes out now
39
00:01:38,799 --> 00:01:40,769
because they're
coming over here
to meet tomorrow.
40
00:01:40,801 --> 00:01:42,771
Okay, but first
I'm gonna mark my pie.
41
00:01:42,803 --> 00:01:44,273
Then I'm gonna bolt
the refrigerator shut.
42
00:01:44,305 --> 00:01:45,835
That's not...
43
00:01:45,873 --> 00:01:48,783
(BOTH SHOUTING)
Hello! I'm trying to watch TV.
Leave me alone.
44
00:01:48,809 --> 00:01:49,839
(SIGHS)
45
00:01:49,877 --> 00:01:51,707
What is going on in there?
46
00:01:51,745 --> 00:01:55,375
They have
been fighting all day.
We need to get some new kids.
47
00:01:55,416 --> 00:01:57,316
I got a couple of minutes
before the game.
You wanna make some?
48
00:01:57,351 --> 00:02:01,191
No. Not until I lose
another five pounds.
49
00:02:01,189 --> 00:02:02,219
Why not?
50
00:02:02,256 --> 00:02:04,356
Because sex
makes me hungry.
51
00:02:06,394 --> 00:02:08,664
All right,
then I'm gonna
take care of the kids.
52
00:02:08,696 --> 00:02:10,756
But later on,
we're gonna work up
an appetite.
53
00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:13,830
Give it back, Junior.
54
00:02:13,867 --> 00:02:15,737
Yeah. Where is it?
55
00:02:15,769 --> 00:02:17,909
Look, I'm afraid
I can't find the remote
till wrestling's over.
56
00:02:17,938 --> 00:02:20,338
But I wanna watch
Rolie Polie Olie.
57
00:02:20,374 --> 00:02:23,344
Oh, you didn't hear?
Rolie Polie Olie is dead.
58
00:02:23,377 --> 00:02:26,207
Well, so?
Wrestling isn't real.
59
00:02:26,214 --> 00:02:29,684
It is so!
Don't you ever say that!
60
00:02:29,717 --> 00:02:31,947
I don't care
about wrestling
or Rolie Polie Olie.
61
00:02:31,985 --> 00:02:33,245
I wanna watch videos.
62
00:02:33,287 --> 00:02:36,757
Why?
I've seen Britney Spears,
and those aren't real, either.
63
00:02:36,790 --> 00:02:37,690
Yes, they are.
64
00:02:37,725 --> 00:02:41,355
Hey. What in the world
is going on out here?
65
00:02:41,395 --> 00:02:42,455
(ALL CLAMORING)
66
00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:43,696
MICHAEL: No.
67
00:02:43,731 --> 00:02:44,731
(WHISTLES)
68
00:02:44,765 --> 00:02:46,965
Whoa, whoa.
Wait. One at a time.
69
00:02:47,000 --> 00:02:49,800
Dad, Junior's hogging
the TV and he hid
the remote.
70
00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:51,067
Oh, he hid the remote?
71
00:02:51,104 --> 00:02:53,414
Well, let me
show you all something.
This is very interesting.
72
00:02:53,441 --> 00:02:56,781
This is gonna trip you out.
Watch this. Huh? Huh?
73
00:02:56,810 --> 00:02:57,910
NEWSCASTER: Five of the...
74
00:02:57,945 --> 00:02:59,475
ALL: Wow.
75
00:03:02,350 --> 00:03:03,650
How did you do that?
76
00:03:05,986 --> 00:03:08,256
That's old-school technology.
77
00:03:08,256 --> 00:03:11,926
It's called,
"Get off your lazy ass."
78
00:03:11,959 --> 00:03:14,399
But, Dad,
Junior's always
controlling the TV.
79
00:03:14,428 --> 00:03:16,828
Look, Claire, I don't
wanna hear it, okay?
80
00:03:16,864 --> 00:03:20,274
I'm tired of your tattling.
You all need to work out
things for yourselves.
81
00:03:20,268 --> 00:03:22,638
Okay? Learn to stick
together for a change.
82
00:03:22,670 --> 00:03:25,270
And I'm gonna help you out
because the next time
any one of you tattles,
83
00:03:25,273 --> 00:03:26,673
I'm punishing
all three of you.
84
00:03:26,707 --> 00:03:28,337
Dad, that's not fair.
85
00:03:28,376 --> 00:03:32,306
Yeah, and neither is me
having to referee every one
of your little bouts, okay?
86
00:03:32,346 --> 00:03:35,316
Tattling is detrimental
to relationships.
87
00:03:35,349 --> 00:03:39,619
Look at the Unabomber.
I bet him and his brother
never talk anymore.
88
00:03:39,653 --> 00:03:40,523
Dad, look...
89
00:03:40,554 --> 00:03:42,794
Hey. End of story.
I've said my piece.
90
00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:44,893
Now y'all go upstairs
and work this out
for yourself.
91
00:03:44,925 --> 00:03:46,625
Can we at least
get a snack first?
92
00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:49,730
Yeah. Just don't touch
my halftime pie.
93
00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:52,333
Yeah, we know the rules
about your halftime pie.
94
00:03:53,767 --> 00:03:55,437
Junior,
give me the remote.
95
00:04:07,014 --> 00:04:09,324
Well, what do you wanna do?
We can't watch TV.
96
00:04:09,350 --> 00:04:10,680
Let's play
make me laugh or die.
97
00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:12,718
Yeah.
Yay.
98
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:13,993
What's that?
99
00:04:15,589 --> 00:04:17,059
You have to make
one of us laugh.
100
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:19,030
And if you don't,
you have to do
whatever we say.
101
00:04:19,059 --> 00:04:21,659
I'll go first.
I got a good one.
102
00:04:23,931 --> 00:04:25,801
Okay,
give me a minute.
103
00:04:25,833 --> 00:04:28,743
Well, hurry up.
I'm not getting
any younger.
104
00:04:30,003 --> 00:04:31,943
Okay, you ready?
105
00:04:31,972 --> 00:04:34,912
BOTH: Make me laugh or die.
106
00:04:40,981 --> 00:04:44,991
I'm Claire,
and I think
John is so cute.
107
00:04:47,388 --> 00:04:50,358
I like him so much, I'm gonna
put in the big socks tonight.
108
00:04:52,360 --> 00:04:53,690
That's not funny.
109
00:04:53,727 --> 00:04:56,027
Well, Kady laughed,
and the rule is she goes next.
110
00:04:56,063 --> 00:04:57,063
Okay.
111
00:04:57,097 --> 00:04:59,367
BOTH: Make me laugh or die.
112
00:05:00,568 --> 00:05:01,798
(SNIFFING)
113
00:05:02,370 --> 00:05:04,570
Your butt stinks.
114
00:05:06,607 --> 00:05:08,107
That's not funny.
115
00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:09,811
Claire laughed.
116
00:05:09,843 --> 00:05:11,683
Okay, genius, your turn.
117
00:05:11,712 --> 00:05:13,052
I'm not any good at this.
118
00:05:13,080 --> 00:05:15,380
Well, you better do something
or else you'll lose.
119
00:05:15,383 --> 00:05:17,393
Okay, here's a funny one.
This'll make you laugh.
120
00:05:19,553 --> 00:05:20,853
What is that
supposed to be?
121
00:05:20,888 --> 00:05:22,388
I'm a fish.
122
00:05:24,558 --> 00:05:26,088
That's supposed to be funny?
123
00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:28,026
You look just like
your yearbook picture.
124
00:05:29,797 --> 00:05:30,927
Didn't she lose?
125
00:05:30,964 --> 00:05:32,134
Oh, yeah.
126
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:34,065
And she has to do whatever
we dare her to do.
127
00:05:34,101 --> 00:05:37,811
I dare you to call that boy
John and say, "Doo-doo head."
128
00:05:38,939 --> 00:05:41,009
Nah. It's gotta
be better than that.
129
00:05:41,041 --> 00:05:43,611
What's better than
doo-doo head?
130
00:05:45,613 --> 00:05:46,813
I got it.
131
00:05:46,847 --> 00:05:49,547
Claire, prepare to die.
132
00:05:51,952 --> 00:05:53,922
Your dare is to take
Dad's halftime pie
133
00:05:53,954 --> 00:05:55,764
and eat it six inches
from his face.
134
00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:57,829
Are you crazy?
He'll kill me.
135
00:05:57,858 --> 00:06:01,598
That's why it's not called
make me laugh or go bowling.
136
00:06:01,629 --> 00:06:02,929
I hate you.
Yeah, I know.
137
00:06:02,963 --> 00:06:05,103
Look, you got about
a minute to halftime.
138
00:06:05,132 --> 00:06:07,972
Then he's gonna get up,
cough, scratch his butt,
139
00:06:08,001 --> 00:06:09,801
then come
for his halftime pie.
140
00:06:09,837 --> 00:06:11,967
So if I was you,
I'd get started.
141
00:06:12,005 --> 00:06:14,735
And you have to
eat with this.
142
00:06:14,775 --> 00:06:16,735
Oh, no.
Not his baby fork.
143
00:06:16,777 --> 00:06:18,777
You know the rules.
You took an oath.
144
00:06:19,980 --> 00:06:21,480
Okay, I'll do it.
145
00:06:21,515 --> 00:06:22,945
But if I
get through this,
that means I win,
146
00:06:22,983 --> 00:06:24,853
and you guys can never
tell Dad I ate it.
147
00:06:24,885 --> 00:06:26,545
Fine. That's the rules.
148
00:06:26,587 --> 00:06:28,087
Okay, let's do this.
149
00:06:34,094 --> 00:06:35,864
I can't do this.
150
00:06:35,896 --> 00:06:38,596
Why not?
You've already
disturbed the pie.
151
00:06:41,569 --> 00:06:42,739
(SIGHS) Okay.
152
00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:45,544
(SNEEZES)
153
00:06:45,573 --> 00:06:46,643
(MUMBLING) Junior!
154
00:06:46,674 --> 00:06:48,544
It's allergy season.
155
00:06:49,109 --> 00:06:50,609
(FARTING NOISE)
156
00:06:52,112 --> 00:06:53,552
Kady!
157
00:06:53,947 --> 00:06:55,077
Sorry.
158
00:06:56,984 --> 00:06:58,924
(FARTING)
159
00:06:58,952 --> 00:06:59,952
Kady!
160
00:06:59,987 --> 00:07:02,517
I didn't do it that time.
161
00:07:02,556 --> 00:07:03,956
It's like
they're communicating.
162
00:07:11,965 --> 00:07:13,665
(EXCLAIMING)
163
00:07:14,902 --> 00:07:16,872
Hey, no running in the house.
164
00:07:16,904 --> 00:07:17,944
(SNIFFS)
165
00:07:17,971 --> 00:07:20,071
Hmm. What died in here? Hmm.
166
00:07:23,744 --> 00:07:24,784
(COUGHING)
167
00:07:24,812 --> 00:07:25,812
Hmm.
168
00:07:26,947 --> 00:07:29,717
It's halftime.
Time for halftime pie.
169
00:07:34,855 --> 00:07:37,255
Where is my pie?
170
00:07:37,290 --> 00:07:38,790
(PANTING) Hi.
171
00:07:38,826 --> 00:07:40,826
Don't "Hi" me, woman.
172
00:07:40,861 --> 00:07:42,061
Where's my pie?
173
00:07:42,095 --> 00:07:43,595
It's in the refrigerator.
174
00:07:43,631 --> 00:07:45,831
No, it's not
in the refrigerator.
175
00:07:45,866 --> 00:07:48,596
And why are you sweating?
What are you nervous about?
176
00:07:48,636 --> 00:07:50,766
(SCOFFS) I just came
from my power walk.
177
00:07:50,804 --> 00:07:53,874
Yeah, power walking
off my pie, right?
178
00:07:53,907 --> 00:07:56,577
Michael, I told you
it was in the refrigerator.
179
00:07:56,610 --> 00:07:59,050
God, you are incapable
of finding anything in
this refrigerator.
180
00:07:59,079 --> 00:08:01,279
If I wanted to hide an affair,
I'd do it behind
the orange juice.
181
00:08:01,314 --> 00:08:03,584
You'd never look there.
182
00:08:03,617 --> 00:08:05,547
Hey. It is gone.
183
00:08:05,586 --> 00:08:07,586
Well, what do you know?
184
00:08:08,922 --> 00:08:11,892
Michael, I did
not eat your pie.
185
00:08:11,925 --> 00:08:13,285
You didn't eat my pie.
No.
186
00:08:13,326 --> 00:08:15,556
If you didn't, then
one of them kids did.
187
00:08:15,563 --> 00:08:18,773
Junior, Claire and that other
little one, get down here.
188
00:08:18,799 --> 00:08:19,629
What are you doing?
189
00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:22,567
I'm rounding up
the usual suspects.
190
00:08:23,637 --> 00:08:24,907
Where's my pie?
191
00:08:24,938 --> 00:08:27,008
I don't know.
I have no idea.
192
00:08:27,040 --> 00:08:28,310
Okay, I got the joke.
193
00:08:28,341 --> 00:08:29,911
(LAUGHS)
194
00:08:29,943 --> 00:08:32,013
Take Daddy's halftime pie
and hide it. Come on. Okay.
195
00:08:32,045 --> 00:08:33,245
(LAUGHS)
196
00:08:33,280 --> 00:08:34,850
Dad, what are
you talking about?
197
00:08:34,882 --> 00:08:36,822
I said I get the joke.
198
00:08:36,850 --> 00:08:39,850
Now cough up the pie
before someone gets hurt.
199
00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:41,891
Michael, it's just a pie.
200
00:08:41,922 --> 00:08:45,692
No, Jay,
it's not the pie,
it's the principle.
201
00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:47,256
Who am I fooling?
It's the damn pie.
202
00:08:47,294 --> 00:08:48,704
Where's the pie?
203
00:08:48,729 --> 00:08:50,599
We don't know.
204
00:08:50,598 --> 00:08:52,868
You don't know? Well,
let me smell your breath.
205
00:08:52,900 --> 00:08:54,600
(ALL EXHALING)
206
00:08:56,670 --> 00:08:58,710
Oh, damn!
207
00:08:58,739 --> 00:09:00,769
That smell like pyorrhea.
208
00:09:02,643 --> 00:09:04,083
Dad, you're wasting your time.
209
00:09:04,111 --> 00:09:07,921
What, am I supposed to believe
that the pie just got up
and ate itself?
210
00:09:07,948 --> 00:09:09,948
Look, I know one of
y'all is responsible.
211
00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:13,753
But if one of us
did do it and we told you,
then that would be tattling,
212
00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:17,187
which you told us
not to do.
213
00:09:17,224 --> 00:09:22,234
Oh, I get it. You gonna take
my words and twist them and
use them against me, right?
214
00:09:22,262 --> 00:09:24,232
Okay, you know what,
y'all go upstairs
215
00:09:24,264 --> 00:09:26,874
and let me figure out
how I'm gonna retaliate.
216
00:09:28,001 --> 00:09:29,671
Michael.
Hmm?
217
00:09:29,703 --> 00:09:32,713
What is with you?
You're at war with
your own children?
218
00:09:32,740 --> 00:09:34,940
They started it, Jay.
219
00:09:34,975 --> 00:09:36,235
That was halftime pie.
220
00:09:36,276 --> 00:09:37,306
Oh!
221
00:09:41,815 --> 00:09:45,145
Kids, your mother tells me
that I'm a little too hard
on you guys
222
00:09:45,185 --> 00:09:47,245
when I'm administering
discipline.
223
00:09:47,287 --> 00:09:48,787
And maybe she's right.
224
00:09:48,822 --> 00:09:51,832
Perhaps that pie stealing
was a cry for help.
225
00:09:53,727 --> 00:09:55,657
Maybe that was
your way of saying
226
00:09:55,663 --> 00:09:59,303
there's not enough
lemon meringue
in my life.
227
00:09:59,332 --> 00:10:02,942
Well, your dear old
Dad is gonna fix that.
228
00:10:05,005 --> 00:10:06,835
Here you go.
229
00:10:06,874 --> 00:10:08,314
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
230
00:10:10,744 --> 00:10:11,784
Hmm?
231
00:10:12,980 --> 00:10:15,320
I like my punishment pie.
232
00:10:15,348 --> 00:10:17,278
Oh, I'm glad.
You know why?
233
00:10:17,317 --> 00:10:21,717
Because that's all you
guys are gonna be eating
until I get a confession.
234
00:10:21,755 --> 00:10:23,915
Well, Dad, this is
the best punishment
you've ever given us.
235
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:26,727
Mmm-hmm. I'm thinking maybe
I'll steal the car tonight.
236
00:10:26,760 --> 00:10:28,200
I could end up
with a Lexus.
237
00:10:28,228 --> 00:10:30,398
Yeah. And a new address.
238
00:10:32,700 --> 00:10:35,370
That's right.
You guys laugh it up,
laugh it up.
239
00:10:35,402 --> 00:10:39,242
Because he who laughs last,
lasts first laugh last.
240
00:10:41,174 --> 00:10:43,914
Something like that, right?
241
00:10:43,944 --> 00:10:48,284
I'm just gonna sit here
and enjoy my filet mignon
with mashed potatoes
242
00:10:48,315 --> 00:10:49,845
and corn on the cob.
243
00:10:49,883 --> 00:10:51,383
How's the pie, kids?
244
00:10:51,418 --> 00:10:52,418
It's good.
245
00:10:52,452 --> 00:10:53,822
Fabulicious.
246
00:10:53,854 --> 00:10:55,324
I can't wait for dessert.
247
00:10:55,355 --> 00:10:57,255
Well, all I'm eating is
lettuce with lemon juice.
248
00:10:57,290 --> 00:11:00,890
So I'd appreciate it
if you'd all shut
your damn pieholes.
249
00:11:07,935 --> 00:11:10,195
Last week it was
my boss' birthday...
Uh-huh.
250
00:11:10,237 --> 00:11:11,437
...and they made me
bring out the cake.
251
00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:13,041
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
252
00:11:13,073 --> 00:11:14,373
And I was doing fine,
I was strong.
253
00:11:14,407 --> 00:11:16,337
Uh-huh.
254
00:11:16,376 --> 00:11:19,046
But then, when I
set down the cake, I noticed
there was icing on my finger.
255
00:11:19,079 --> 00:11:20,109
Oh.
256
00:11:20,147 --> 00:11:22,347
And the napkins were all
the way across the room.
257
00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:24,352
Oh!
258
00:11:24,384 --> 00:11:27,454
I closed my eyes
and I saw thin Lorraine,
259
00:11:27,487 --> 00:11:30,117
and she gave me
the strength to wipe
the icing on the table.
260
00:11:30,157 --> 00:11:32,057
(ALL CHEERING)
Oh, you go, girl!
261
00:11:43,170 --> 00:11:44,840
Okay, everybody,
group hug.
262
00:11:44,872 --> 00:11:46,512
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
All right.
All right, now, girls.
263
00:11:46,539 --> 00:11:48,109
Come on,
let's do it.
Chubby-wubby.
264
00:11:48,141 --> 00:11:49,341
All right.
All right.
265
00:11:49,376 --> 00:11:51,076
Come on, ladies.
266
00:11:52,345 --> 00:11:54,345
Hey, babe, I'm home.
267
00:11:54,381 --> 00:11:55,781
(SNIFFS) Pie.
268
00:11:55,816 --> 00:11:57,516
Pie. Pie.
269
00:11:57,550 --> 00:12:00,290
Wait. Hold...
JAY: No, no.
You guys. You guys!
270
00:12:00,320 --> 00:12:01,490
No!
271
00:12:01,521 --> 00:12:03,121
Be strong!
272
00:12:04,124 --> 00:12:05,294
Don't hurt him.
273
00:12:12,332 --> 00:12:16,302
Here you go, Claire,
a nice fresh piece
of pie.
274
00:12:18,171 --> 00:12:19,341
I smell sausage.
275
00:12:19,372 --> 00:12:21,142
Yes, you do.
276
00:12:21,174 --> 00:12:23,184
"That's me.
I'm the sausage man.
Look at me.
277
00:12:23,210 --> 00:12:25,080
"I taste real good.
You want some?"
278
00:12:25,112 --> 00:12:28,152
No, you can't have sausage.
You got pie.
279
00:12:28,181 --> 00:12:29,421
But, Dad,
I'm tired of pie.
280
00:12:29,449 --> 00:12:31,419
Yeah, well,
I'm tired of lying.
281
00:12:31,451 --> 00:12:35,021
Now, sit down, shut up,
and eat your pie
for breakfast. Come on.
282
00:12:36,189 --> 00:12:38,389
Oh, I know
that must be good.
283
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:40,455
See, me,
I can't eat that
over and over again.
284
00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:42,833
It makes me sick.
I start getting queasy.
285
00:12:42,863 --> 00:12:45,133
When I look at that
puss yellow right there
286
00:12:45,165 --> 00:12:48,465
and the way it smells,
it starts to smell
like pee. Right?
287
00:12:48,501 --> 00:12:51,301
And then this consistency
when it goes down,
it feels like one of these.
288
00:12:51,338 --> 00:12:52,968
(SNORTS)
289
00:12:53,006 --> 00:12:54,136
Did you ever get one
of those with a bad cold?
290
00:12:54,174 --> 00:12:55,244
(SNORTS) Hmm?
291
00:12:55,275 --> 00:12:57,375
And it feels
funny going down,
just make you...
292
00:12:57,410 --> 00:12:58,850
(IMITATING RETCHING)
293
00:12:58,879 --> 00:13:00,849
I don't know about you,
but I would...
294
00:13:00,848 --> 00:13:03,218
(IMITATING RETCHING)
295
00:13:03,250 --> 00:13:04,920
Dad, enough.
MICHAEL: What?
296
00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:05,752
I'm getting sick.
297
00:13:05,853 --> 00:13:07,123
Well, am I gonna
get a confession?
298
00:13:07,154 --> 00:13:08,224
No.
299
00:13:08,255 --> 00:13:09,215
Okay, then
I'll just stop talking.
300
00:13:09,256 --> 00:13:11,086
(IMITATING RETCHING)
301
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:12,394
And I'm gonna
make your lunch.
302
00:13:12,425 --> 00:13:15,125
Gee, I wonder what
I'm gonna make you guys.
303
00:13:15,162 --> 00:13:17,432
I know,
some lemon meringue...
304
00:13:17,464 --> 00:13:19,434
(IMITATING RETCHING)
305
00:13:19,466 --> 00:13:20,896
(GROANS)
306
00:13:20,934 --> 00:13:23,244
No, you know what?
Maybe I'll make you...
307
00:13:23,270 --> 00:13:25,140
No, you all like pie.
308
00:13:27,941 --> 00:13:29,911
I hope you're happy,
Michael Kyle.
309
00:13:29,943 --> 00:13:32,883
This means
I'm not about to be.
310
00:13:32,913 --> 00:13:36,223
After my chubby buddies
saw you with all those
bakery boxes,
311
00:13:36,249 --> 00:13:39,089
every single one of them
fell off the wagon.
312
00:13:39,119 --> 00:13:41,889
That must have been
a pretty sturdy wagon.
313
00:13:41,889 --> 00:13:43,889
I'm suspended
for two weeks.
314
00:13:43,924 --> 00:13:47,034
Good, it'll take about that
long for the couches to
pop back up.
315
00:13:50,063 --> 00:13:53,203
That's not funny, Michael.
316
00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:56,303
Look, Jay, if you want,
I'll be your chubby buddy.
317
00:13:56,336 --> 00:13:57,966
You're not chubby.
318
00:13:58,005 --> 00:14:00,035
Yeah, but
I'm your buddy.
319
00:14:00,073 --> 00:14:03,643
Listen, I feel bad because
I brought temptation into
the house.
320
00:14:03,676 --> 00:14:05,906
I mean,
did you see the way
those women looked at me?
321
00:14:05,946 --> 00:14:08,346
I felt like a cheeseburger
in Somalia.
322
00:14:12,185 --> 00:14:15,085
So what're you saying?
You're gonna go
on this diet with me?
323
00:14:15,122 --> 00:14:16,592
I'll go on
the diet with you.
Really?
324
00:14:16,623 --> 00:14:18,363
I'll go to the ends of
the earth with you, girl.
325
00:14:18,391 --> 00:14:21,161
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
326
00:14:24,397 --> 00:14:27,627
Okay, baby.
Here we go.
327
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:29,667
Wow, my favorite.
328
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:34,242
Look, melted tofu cheese,
a stick of celery...
And what's this?
329
00:14:34,274 --> 00:14:36,084
Piece of asbestos?
330
00:14:37,410 --> 00:14:39,980
You said you'd go to
the end of the earth
for me.
331
00:14:40,013 --> 00:14:43,953
Yeah, but, Jay, this is
not a meal for a real man.
332
00:14:43,984 --> 00:14:48,194
You feed this
to a hairdresser
or a jockey or something.
333
00:14:48,221 --> 00:14:51,361
Hey, this looks like
Thanksgiving at
Ally McBeal's.
334
00:14:54,995 --> 00:14:56,955
You know, you really
couldn't have picked
335
00:14:56,964 --> 00:14:58,574
a worse punishment
for those kids.
336
00:14:58,598 --> 00:14:59,968
Pie all the time, Michael?
337
00:14:59,967 --> 00:15:01,067
I know.
Brilliant, isn't it?
338
00:15:01,101 --> 00:15:02,641
No, it is not brilliant.
339
00:15:02,669 --> 00:15:06,069
No, it is hard on everybody.
Especially me.
340
00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:08,606
Couldn't you just be like
a normal parent and beat them?
341
00:15:11,078 --> 00:15:14,548
Jay, that's too easy,
there's no fun in that.
342
00:15:14,581 --> 00:15:16,051
All right,
let's give this a try.
343
00:15:16,083 --> 00:15:18,123
All right.
All right.
344
00:15:18,151 --> 00:15:19,151
Open.
345
00:15:19,186 --> 00:15:21,346
(MUMBLING) Mmm.
I'm famished.
346
00:15:22,589 --> 00:15:23,889
So, what's now?
347
00:15:23,991 --> 00:15:27,031
Okay, baby,
if you're still hungry,
you can make a smoothie.
348
00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:30,160
We could have
three pieces of fruit
and some plain non-fat yogurt.
349
00:15:30,197 --> 00:15:31,397
Plain?
Yes.
350
00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:34,001
Good. 'Cause
I wouldn't want it
to taste like anything.
351
00:15:35,302 --> 00:15:37,042
(SIGHS)
352
00:15:37,070 --> 00:15:38,610
It's boring,
but it's good for you.
I'll make it.
353
00:15:38,638 --> 00:15:41,008
No, no, no.
You sit here.
I'll make my own.
354
00:15:41,041 --> 00:15:44,141
Thank you, baby.
You're being very supportive.
I appreciate it.
355
00:15:44,177 --> 00:15:47,147
Hey, I'm just
trying to live up to
my chubby buddy oath.
356
00:15:47,180 --> 00:15:49,350
An apple a day keeps
the stretch marks away.
357
00:15:49,382 --> 00:15:50,652
Right.
358
00:15:55,655 --> 00:15:57,555
ALL: Did you get them?
359
00:15:57,590 --> 00:15:59,060
Yes, I got them.
360
00:15:59,092 --> 00:16:01,662
But I don't feel good about
going behind your father's
back like this.
361
00:16:01,694 --> 00:16:04,034
Well, hand them over.
We're dying here.
362
00:16:04,064 --> 00:16:05,634
(GASPS) What, no broccoli?
363
00:16:08,368 --> 00:16:12,268
Mmm. This is the best
cauliflower I've ever had.
364
00:16:12,305 --> 00:16:15,535
Look at all
these roughages.
365
00:16:16,676 --> 00:16:19,546
Okay, I'm putting
myself on the line here.
366
00:16:19,579 --> 00:16:22,119
I can't keep
supporting
your habit.
367
00:16:22,515 --> 00:16:24,745
You guys are gonna
have to come clean
with your father.
368
00:16:24,784 --> 00:16:26,554
Mom, he's being
a hypocrite.
369
00:16:26,586 --> 00:16:28,616
First he says
not to tattle,
370
00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:30,755
but then when
it's something he wants
to know, he's saying tattle.
371
00:16:30,790 --> 00:16:32,760
No, he doesn't
want you to tattle.
372
00:16:32,792 --> 00:16:35,502
He wants whoever
did this to confess.
373
00:16:36,563 --> 00:16:37,733
Well, we can't do that.
374
00:16:37,764 --> 00:16:38,804
We took an oath.
375
00:16:38,831 --> 00:16:39,901
All right.
Well, you know what?
376
00:16:39,932 --> 00:16:41,732
You guys are gonna have
to put your heads together
377
00:16:41,768 --> 00:16:43,268
and come up with
an answer real soon.
378
00:16:43,303 --> 00:16:45,713
'Cause if one more pie
comes into this house,
379
00:16:45,738 --> 00:16:47,638
y'all gonna have to
deal with me.
380
00:16:54,547 --> 00:16:56,217
What's all this?
381
00:16:56,249 --> 00:16:57,579
What's it look like?
382
00:16:57,617 --> 00:17:01,547
This is custard pie's
last stand.
383
00:17:01,588 --> 00:17:04,458
I'm gonna make you guys
eat pie until it come
out your ears
384
00:17:04,491 --> 00:17:06,091
or I get a confession.
385
00:17:06,093 --> 00:17:09,463
Michael, this is ridiculous.
You've gone way too far.
386
00:17:09,496 --> 00:17:12,566
Jay, this may get ugly.
You might wanna step
in the other room.
387
00:17:12,599 --> 00:17:14,629
There's gonna be
a lot of pie consumed.
Go ahead, baby.
388
00:17:14,667 --> 00:17:16,537
No, no, no, no!
389
00:17:16,569 --> 00:17:19,239
I'm not gonna let you
get my babies sick
over some stupid pie.
390
00:17:19,272 --> 00:17:21,642
What if it was
something important to you
that the kids took,
391
00:17:21,674 --> 00:17:24,544
like one of them
nasty diet brownies, huh?
392
00:17:25,745 --> 00:17:28,815
Michael, I would be upset,
but I wouldn't be obsessed.
393
00:17:28,848 --> 00:17:31,578
You're gonna put them
into sugar shock just
to make a point?
394
00:17:31,618 --> 00:17:33,848
Well, the point still
hasn't been made, Jay.
395
00:17:33,886 --> 00:17:36,686
Because I still
don't know who
took my pie.
396
00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:38,663
And, no, they're not
gonna go into sugar shock
397
00:17:38,691 --> 00:17:42,131
because you keep
sneaking them vegetables.
398
00:17:42,162 --> 00:17:43,662
See, you didn't think
I knew that, huh?
399
00:17:43,696 --> 00:17:46,166
You don't think I'm counting
the celery and stuff, huh?
400
00:17:46,199 --> 00:17:48,599
See, every time I get their
blood sugar up where
I want it,
401
00:17:48,635 --> 00:17:51,135
you drop it back down,
402
00:17:51,138 --> 00:17:55,138
Miss Don't Let
The Kids Get Dizzy.
403
00:17:55,175 --> 00:17:58,505
Well, you're not gonna be
the one holding their head
in the middle of the night
404
00:17:58,545 --> 00:18:02,845
when they're throwing up,
Mr. I Can't Look At Puke
'Cause It Makes Me Puke.
405
00:18:04,251 --> 00:18:06,851
Well, listen here,
Miss Green Grocer,
406
00:18:06,886 --> 00:18:09,556
why don't you sit down and
let me discipline my kids?
407
00:18:09,589 --> 00:18:11,689
Fine, I'll sit down. Okay.
Yes, would you please?
Thank you.
408
00:18:11,724 --> 00:18:15,164
It was me, all right?
I ate your stupid pie.
409
00:18:15,162 --> 00:18:16,202
Oh, really?
410
00:18:16,229 --> 00:18:17,759
No.
411
00:18:17,797 --> 00:18:20,197
It was I who ate
your stupid pie.
412
00:18:21,201 --> 00:18:23,201
I cannot lie.
413
00:18:23,236 --> 00:18:24,766
I ate your pie.
414
00:18:26,673 --> 00:18:30,683
Well, I can't deny
that I might cry.
You wanna know why?
415
00:18:30,710 --> 00:18:33,550
'Cause I still don't know
who ate my pie.
416
00:18:35,182 --> 00:18:36,882
Michael, it's over.
417
00:18:36,916 --> 00:18:38,186
No, Jay, it's not over.
418
00:18:38,218 --> 00:18:39,588
Over. It's... Stop it.
419
00:18:39,619 --> 00:18:41,549
It's over.
Okay.
420
00:18:41,588 --> 00:18:44,718
Fine. We're gonna
chalk this one up
to the kids.
421
00:18:44,757 --> 00:18:46,887
You defeated me this once.
422
00:18:46,926 --> 00:18:49,856
(SNAPPING FINGERS)
You may have won the war,
but you didn't win the battle.
423
00:18:56,803 --> 00:19:00,473
See, 'cause y'all...
Y'all stuck together.
I'm proud of you.
424
00:19:00,507 --> 00:19:02,637
And that was my plan
all along.
425
00:19:04,677 --> 00:19:05,807
Get you guys united.
426
00:19:05,845 --> 00:19:07,605
What I did was
427
00:19:07,647 --> 00:19:11,217
I got into your little heads,
then I used reverse piecology
on you.
428
00:19:12,952 --> 00:19:16,662
See, I'm the puppet master.
I'm the pie piper.
429
00:19:18,658 --> 00:19:22,228
See, I used the pies...
The pies are
the strings I use
430
00:19:22,229 --> 00:19:25,429
to get you to do
my little unity dance.
431
00:19:25,465 --> 00:19:28,765
Michael, just admit it,
it was only about the pie.
432
00:19:28,801 --> 00:19:30,701
No, Jay, it was about unity
and structure...
433
00:19:30,737 --> 00:19:32,737
Michael. Michael.
434
00:19:32,772 --> 00:19:35,642
Okay, then it was
just about unity and
trying to bring children...
435
00:19:35,675 --> 00:19:37,375
Michael.
Okay, it was
about the pie.
436
00:19:37,410 --> 00:19:39,610
Thank you.
437
00:19:39,646 --> 00:19:43,416
But that don't change the fact
that I am proud of you guys.
438
00:19:43,450 --> 00:19:44,820
But you gotta
promise me this.
439
00:19:44,851 --> 00:19:48,991
One day, when I'm old and
wrinkled, on my death bed,
440
00:19:49,021 --> 00:19:52,791
about to take my last breath,
you gotta tell me who ate
my pie.
441
00:19:52,825 --> 00:19:53,855
Claire.
442
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:03,644
Don't worry. It's okay.
It's all behind us.
443
00:20:03,670 --> 00:20:05,440
(JAY LAUGHING)
444
00:20:05,472 --> 00:20:08,342
The problem we have is,
what're we gonna do with
all these pies?
445
00:20:08,375 --> 00:20:10,435
Oh, I would love
this one right here.
446
00:20:10,477 --> 00:20:11,477
(SIGHS)
447
00:20:11,511 --> 00:20:12,881
That one?
Yes.
448
00:20:12,912 --> 00:20:14,812
Oh, it looks so good.
449
00:20:14,847 --> 00:20:17,477
That is a pretty pie.
Come on, take a little taste.
450
00:20:17,517 --> 00:20:19,817
Thank you, Michael.
Oh, you're so good to me.
451
00:20:19,852 --> 00:20:21,352
Tastes good?
Don't tell
my chubby buddies.
452
00:20:21,388 --> 00:20:23,788
I ain't gonna tell
the chubby buddies.
453
00:20:26,693 --> 00:20:29,663
I'm sorry. Jay, I slipped.
454
00:20:30,697 --> 00:20:32,427
I slipped.
455
00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:34,525
Oh! Oh...
Jay, look,
456
00:20:34,567 --> 00:20:36,567
I... I slipped.
Oh, it's funny?
457
00:20:36,603 --> 00:20:39,573
Yeah, get him. See,
he's laughing at you.
458
00:20:39,606 --> 00:20:41,636
(EXCLAIMS)
459
00:20:41,674 --> 00:20:43,514
Hey, Mom, Pa,
look at this.
460
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:49,849
Wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait.
You all gotta get the baby.
461
00:20:51,951 --> 00:20:52,951
CLAIRE: Dad!
462
00:20:54,821 --> 00:20:55,891
MICHAEL: Is that right?
463
00:21:06,065 --> 00:21:09,935
Look, I'm losing my hair.
I'm not losing my hair.
I lost my hair.
464
00:21:16,543 --> 00:21:21,613
Look, I'm losing my hair.
I'm bald. I don't say I've got
excessive foreheadedness.
33042
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