Original subtitles

(WHISTLING)

Hi, baby. Hi.

Michael, get that thing away from me.

What?

Michael, get it away from me.

You don't even know what's in there.

Yes, I do. What?

It's a piece of lemon meringue pie from Himele Farms Bakery.

I can smell it from here.

Isn't it beautiful? Look at that. Oh.

That cream is like a cloud.

And that yellow, that's the same color yellow as an Englishman's tooth.

Michael, why are you torturing me? You know I'm on a diet.

Look, I'm just trying to help you.

It'd be easier if you brought another woman in this house

than me dealing with that pie.

I didn't know I had that option.

Will you just get it out of my face?

Eat it or something. Please, hurry up.

Jay, I can't just eat it.

You gotta dim the lights. This is halftime pie.

I forgot about the foreplay. I'm so sorry.

Hey, don't be jealous of the pie, baby. It's just pie.

Where's my fork?

(SIGHS IN ANNOYANCE)

Here.

(IN CHILDISH VOICE) That's the baby. That's the baby.

It'll make the pie last.

Tiny utensils is really not a bad idea.

I could share that with my chubby buddies.

You mean all them fat chicks that come over here and break up the furniture?

That is very insensitive, Michael. They are not fat.

They're thin deprived.

Why is it every week you got a new name for them except small?

Now, look, I'm bald.

I don't call myself excessively foreheaded syndrome.

Michael, this group is very important to me. I can't lose weight on my own.

So you need to get all your jokes out now

because they're coming over here to meet tomorrow.

Okay, but first I'm gonna mark my pie.

Then I'm gonna bolt the refrigerator shut.

That's not...

(BOTH SHOUTING) Hello! I'm trying to watch TV. Leave me alone.

(SIGHS)

What is going on in there?

They have been fighting all day. We need to get some new kids.

I got a couple of minutes before the game. You wanna make some?

No. Not until I lose another five pounds.

Why not?

Because sex makes me hungry.

All right, then I'm gonna take care of the kids.

But later on, we're gonna work up an appetite.

Give it back, Junior.

Yeah. Where is it?

Look, I'm afraid I can't find the remote till wrestling's over.

But I wanna watch Rolie Polie Olie.

Oh, you didn't hear? Rolie Polie Olie is dead.

Well, so? Wrestling isn't real.

It is so! Don't you ever say that!

I don't care about wrestling or Rolie Polie Olie.

I wanna watch videos.

Why? I've seen Britney Spears, and those aren't real, either.

Yes, they are.

Hey. What in the world is going on out here?

(ALL CLAMORING)

MICHAEL: No.

(WHISTLES)

Whoa, whoa. Wait. One at a time.

Dad, Junior's hogging the TV and he hid the remote.

Oh, he hid the remote?

Well, let me show you all something. This is very interesting.

This is gonna trip you out. Watch this. Huh? Huh?

NEWSCASTER: Five of the...

ALL: Wow.

How did you do that?

That's old-school technology.

It's called, "Get off your lazy ass."

But, Dad, Junior's always controlling the TV.

Look, Claire, I don't wanna hear it, okay?

I'm tired of your tattling. You all need to work out things for yourselves.

Okay? Learn to stick together for a change.

And I'm gonna help you out because the next time any one of you tattles,

I'm punishing all three of you.

Dad, that's not fair.

Yeah, and neither is me having to referee every one of your little bouts, okay?

Tattling is detrimental to relationships.

Look at the Unabomber. I bet him and his brother never talk anymore.

Dad, look...

Hey. End of story. I've said my piece.

Now y'all go upstairs and work this out for yourself.

Can we at least get a snack first?

Yeah. Just don't touch my halftime pie.

Yeah, we know the rules about your halftime pie.

Junior, give me the remote.

Well, what do you wanna do? We can't watch TV.

Let's play make me laugh or die.

Yeah. Yay.

What's that?

You have to make one of us laugh.

And if you don't, you have to do whatever we say.

I'll go first. I got a good one.

Okay, give me a minute.

Well, hurry up. I'm not getting any younger.

Okay, you ready?

BOTH: Make me laugh or die.

I'm Claire, and I think John is so cute.

I like him so much, I'm gonna put in the big socks tonight.

That's not funny.

Well, Kady laughed, and the rule is she goes next.

Okay.

BOTH: Make me laugh or die.

(SNIFFING)

Your butt stinks.

That's not funny.

Claire laughed.

Okay, genius, your turn.

I'm not any good at this.

Well, you better do something or else you'll lose.

Okay, here's a funny one. This'll make you laugh.

What is that supposed to be?

I'm a fish.

That's supposed to be funny?

You look just like your yearbook picture.

Didn't she lose?

Oh, yeah.

And she has to do whatever we dare her to do.

I dare you to call that boy John and say, "Doo-doo head."

Nah. It's gotta be better than that.

What's better than doo-doo head?

I got it.

Claire, prepare to die.

Your dare is to take Dad's halftime pie

and eat it six inches from his face.

Are you crazy? He'll kill me.

That's why it's not called make me laugh or go bowling.

I hate you. Yeah, I know.

Look, you got about a minute to halftime.

Then he's gonna get up, cough, scratch his butt,

then come for his halftime pie.

So if I was you, I'd get started.

And you have to eat with this.

Oh, no. Not his baby fork.

You know the rules. You took an oath.

Okay, I'll do it.

But if I get through this, that means I win,

and you guys can never tell Dad I ate it.

Fine. That's the rules.

Okay, let's do this.

I can't do this.

Why not? You've already disturbed the pie.

(SIGHS) Okay.

(SNEEZES)

(MUMBLING) Junior!

It's allergy season.

(FARTING NOISE)

Kady!

Sorry.

(FARTING)

Kady!

I didn't do it that time.

It's like they're communicating.

(EXCLAIMING)

Hey, no running in the house.

(SNIFFS)

Hmm. What died in here? Hmm.

(COUGHING)

Hmm.

It's halftime. Time for halftime pie.

Where is my pie?

(PANTING) Hi.

Don't "Hi" me, woman.

Where's my pie?

It's in the refrigerator.

No, it's not in the refrigerator.

And why are you sweating? What are you nervous about?

(SCOFFS) I just came from my power walk.

Yeah, power walking off my pie, right?

Michael, I told you it was in the refrigerator.

God, you are incapable of finding anything in this refrigerator.

If I wanted to hide an affair, I'd do it behind the orange juice.

You'd never look there.

Hey. It is gone.

Well, what do you know?

Michael, I did not eat your pie.

You didn't eat my pie. No.

If you didn't, then one of them kids did.

Junior, Claire and that other little one, get down here.

What are you doing?

I'm rounding up the usual suspects.

Where's my pie?

I don't know. I have no idea.

Okay, I got the joke.

(LAUGHS)

Take Daddy's halftime pie and hide it. Come on. Okay.

(LAUGHS)

Dad, what are you talking about?

I said I get the joke.

Now cough up the pie before someone gets hurt.

Michael, it's just a pie.

No, Jay, it's not the pie, it's the principle.

Who am I fooling? It's the damn pie.

Where's the pie?

We don't know.

You don't know? Well, let me smell your breath.

(ALL EXHALING)

Oh, damn!

That smell like pyorrhea.

Dad, you're wasting your time.

What, am I supposed to believe that the pie just got up and ate itself?

Look, I know one of y'all is responsible.

But if one of us did do it and we told you, then that would be tattling,

which you told us not to do.

Oh, I get it. You gonna take my words and twist them and use them against me, right?

Okay, you know what, y'all go upstairs

and let me figure out how I'm gonna retaliate.

Michael. Hmm?

What is with you? You're at war with your own children?

They started it, Jay.

That was halftime pie.

Oh!

Kids, your mother tells me that I'm a little too hard on you guys

when I'm administering discipline.

And maybe she's right.

Perhaps that pie stealing was a cry for help.

Maybe that was your way of saying

there's not enough lemon meringue in my life.

Well, your dear old Dad is gonna fix that.

Here you go.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Hmm?

I like my punishment pie.

Oh, I'm glad. You know why?

Because that's all you guys are gonna be eating until I get a confession.

Well, Dad, this is the best punishment you've ever given us.

Mmm-hmm. I'm thinking maybe I'll steal the car tonight.

I could end up with a Lexus.

Yeah. And a new address.

That's right. You guys laugh it up, laugh it up.

Because he who laughs last, lasts first laugh last.

Something like that, right?

I'm just gonna sit here and enjoy my filet mignon with mashed potatoes

and corn on the cob.

How's the pie, kids?

It's good.

Fabulicious.

I can't wait for dessert.

Well, all I'm eating is lettuce with lemon juice.

So I'd appreciate it if you'd all shut your damn pieholes.

Last week it was my boss' birthday... Uh-huh.

...and they made me bring out the cake.

(ALL EXCLAIMING)

And I was doing fine, I was strong.

Uh-huh.

But then, when I set down the cake, I noticed there was icing on my finger.

Oh.

And the napkins were all the way across the room.

Oh!

I closed my eyes and I saw thin Lorraine,

and she gave me the strength to wipe the icing on the table.

(ALL CHEERING) Oh, you go, girl!

Okay, everybody, group hug.

(ALL EXCLAIMING) All right. All right, now, girls.

Come on, let's do it. Chubby-wubby.

All right. All right.

Come on, ladies.

Hey, babe, I'm home.

(SNIFFS) Pie.

Pie. Pie.

Wait. Hold... JAY: No, no. You guys. You guys!

No!

Be strong!

Don't hurt him.

Here you go, Claire, a nice fresh piece of pie.

I smell sausage.

Yes, you do.

"That's me. I'm the sausage man. Look at me.

"I taste real good. You want some?"

No, you can't have sausage. You got pie.

But, Dad, I'm tired of pie.

Yeah, well, I'm tired of lying.

Now, sit down, shut up, and eat your pie for breakfast. Come on.

Oh, I know that must be good.

See, me, I can't eat that over and over again.

It makes me sick. I start getting queasy.

When I look at that puss yellow right there

and the way it smells, it starts to smell like pee. Right?

And then this consistency when it goes down, it feels like one of these.

(SNORTS)

Did you ever get one of those with a bad cold?

(SNORTS) Hmm?

And it feels funny going down, just make you...

(IMITATING RETCHING)

I don't know about you, but I would...

(IMITATING RETCHING)

Dad, enough. MICHAEL: What?

I'm getting sick.

Well, am I gonna get a confession?

No.

Okay, then I'll just stop talking.

(IMITATING RETCHING)

And I'm gonna make your lunch.

Gee, I wonder what I'm gonna make you guys.

I know, some lemon meringue...

(IMITATING RETCHING)

(GROANS)

No, you know what? Maybe I'll make you...

No, you all like pie.

I hope you're happy, Michael Kyle.

This means I'm not about to be.

After my chubby buddies saw you with all those bakery boxes,

every single one of them fell off the wagon.

That must have been a pretty sturdy wagon.

I'm suspended for two weeks.

Good, it'll take about that long for the couches to pop back up.

That's not funny, Michael.

Look, Jay, if you want, I'll be your chubby buddy.

You're not chubby.

Yeah, but I'm your buddy.

Listen, I feel bad because I brought temptation into the house.

I mean, did you see the way those women looked at me?

I felt like a cheeseburger in Somalia.

So what're you saying? You're gonna go on this diet with me?

I'll go on the diet with you. Really?

I'll go to the ends of the earth with you, girl.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Okay, baby. Here we go.

Wow, my favorite.

Look, melted tofu cheese, a stick of celery... And what's this?

Piece of asbestos?

You said you'd go to the end of the earth for me.

Yeah, but, Jay, this is not a meal for a real man.

You feed this to a hairdresser or a jockey or something.

Hey, this looks like Thanksgiving at Ally McBeal's.

You know, you really couldn't have picked

a worse punishment for those kids.

Pie all the time, Michael?

I know. Brilliant, isn't it?

No, it is not brilliant.

No, it is hard on everybody. Especially me.

Couldn't you just be like a normal parent and beat them?

Jay, that's too easy, there's no fun in that.

All right, let's give this a try.

All right. All right.

Open.

(MUMBLING) Mmm. I'm famished.

So, what's now?

Okay, baby, if you're still hungry, you can make a smoothie.

We could have three pieces of fruit and some plain non-fat yogurt.

Plain? Yes.

Good. 'Cause I wouldn't want it to taste like anything.

(SIGHS)

It's boring, but it's good for you. I'll make it.

No, no, no. You sit here. I'll make my own.

Thank you, baby. You're being very supportive. I appreciate it.

Hey, I'm just trying to live up to my chubby buddy oath.

An apple a day keeps the stretch marks away.

Right.

ALL: Did you get them?

Yes, I got them.

But I don't feel good about going behind your father's back like this.

Well, hand them over. We're dying here.

(GASPS) What, no broccoli?

Mmm. This is the best cauliflower I've ever had.

Look at all these roughages.

Okay, I'm putting myself on the line here.

I can't keep supporting your habit.

You guys are gonna have to come clean with your father.

Mom, he's being a hypocrite.

First he says not to tattle,

but then when it's something he wants to know, he's saying tattle.

No, he doesn't want you to tattle.

He wants whoever did this to confess.

Well, we can't do that.

We took an oath.

All right. Well, you know what?

You guys are gonna have to put your heads together

and come up with an answer real soon.

'Cause if one more pie comes into this house,

y'all gonna have to deal with me.

What's all this?

What's it look like?

This is custard pie's last stand.

I'm gonna make you guys eat pie until it come out your ears

or I get a confession.

Michael, this is ridiculous. You've gone way too far.

Jay, this may get ugly. You might wanna step in the other room.

There's gonna be a lot of pie consumed. Go ahead, baby.

No, no, no, no!

I'm not gonna let you get my babies sick over some stupid pie.

What if it was something important to you that the kids took,

like one of them nasty diet brownies, huh?

Michael, I would be upset, but I wouldn't be obsessed.

You're gonna put them into sugar shock just to make a point?

Well, the point still hasn't been made, Jay.

Because I still don't know who took my pie.

And, no, they're not gonna go into sugar shock

because you keep sneaking them vegetables.

See, you didn't think I knew that, huh?

You don't think I'm counting the celery and stuff, huh?

See, every time I get their blood sugar up where I want it,

you drop it back down,

Miss Don't Let The Kids Get Dizzy.

Well, you're not gonna be the one holding their head in the middle of the night

when they're throwing up, Mr. I Can't Look At Puke 'Cause It Makes Me Puke.

Well, listen here, Miss Green Grocer,

why don't you sit down and let me discipline my kids?

Fine, I'll sit down. Okay. Yes, would you please? Thank you.

It was me, all right? I ate your stupid pie.

Oh, really?

No.

It was I who ate your stupid pie.

I cannot lie.

I ate your pie.

Well, I can't deny that I might cry. You wanna know why?

'Cause I still don't know who ate my pie.

Michael, it's over.

No, Jay, it's not over.

Over. It's... Stop it.

It's over. Okay.

Fine. We're gonna chalk this one up to the kids.

You defeated me this once.

(SNAPPING FINGERS) You may have won the war, but you didn't win the battle.

See, 'cause y'all... Y'all stuck together. I'm proud of you.

And that was my plan all along.

Get you guys united.

What I did was

I got into your little heads, then I used reverse piecology on you.

See, I'm the puppet master. I'm the pie piper.

See, I used the pies... The pies are the strings I use

to get you to do my little unity dance.

Michael, just admit it, it was only about the pie.

No, Jay, it was about unity and structure...

Michael. Michael.

Okay, then it was just about unity and trying to bring children...

Michael. Okay, it was about the pie.

Thank you.

But that don't change the fact that I am proud of you guys.

But you gotta promise me this.

One day, when I'm old and wrinkled, on my death bed,

about to take my last breath, you gotta tell me who ate my pie.

Claire.

Don't worry. It's okay. It's all behind us.

(JAY LAUGHING)

The problem we have is, what're we gonna do with all these pies?

Oh, I would love this one right here.

(SIGHS)

That one? Yes.

Oh, it looks so good.

That is a pretty pie. Come on, take a little taste.

Thank you, Michael. Oh, you're so good to me.

Tastes good? Don't tell my chubby buddies.

I ain't gonna tell the chubby buddies.

I'm sorry. Jay, I slipped.

I slipped.

Oh! Oh... Jay, look,

I... I slipped. Oh, it's funny?

Yeah, get him. See, he's laughing at you.

(EXCLAIMS)

Hey, Mom, Pa, look at this.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You all gotta get the baby.

CLAIRE: Dad!

MICHAEL: Is that right?

Look, I'm losing my hair. I'm not losing my hair. I lost my hair.

Look, I'm losing my hair. I'm bald. I don't say I've got excessive foreheadedness.