Original subtitles

(WATER RUNNING)

Honey, why are you running the water so long?

MICHAEL: It's my inspiration to pee-pee.

You need to be inspired?

Lately, yeah.

I mean, there was a time when I could write my name, address,

and social security number in the snow.

Now, I'm lucky if I could squeeze out initials.

(GROANS IN DISGUST)

Why don't you ask Dr. Klieger about it?

You're taking Junior over there for his allergy shot tomorrow, anyway.

Yeah, I might do that.

Uh, hey.

Hmm?

You were great tonight.

You know I do that sometime.

(LAUGHING)

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Who could that be at this time of night?

It's probably the cops. All that noise you were making.

Oh, wow. Look. It is the cops.

Oh, God, I hope it's not Claire or Junior.

Good evening, Officer.

What seems to be the problem?

Are you Mr. Michael Kyle?

Yes, I am. Is there something wrong with my kids?

No, I'm here to investigate a call we received

about a woman screaming at this address.

(LAUGHING)

I think I can explain that.

I am so embarrassed. Excuse me.

Hey, go make me a sandwich, girl.

Actually the call came from within the house.

Someone by the name of Kady.

That's my five-year-old daughter.

Well, it seems she reported a woman screaming, "Oh, God. Oh, God!

"You're killing me."

Yeah, that's what she said, all right.

(LAUGHS) You know sometimes, you just got to hurt 'em, show them who the boss.

(LAUGHING) You know what I'm saying?

I know what you're saying. Do me a favor.

Keep it down.

You're talking about the noise, right?

(CHUCKLES) 'Cause, if not you might as well arrest me for disturbing the peace!

(LAUGHING)

Okay. Okay.

All right, Officer.

Well, everything seems to be okay here.

You have a good night.

I already did.

(GROANS)

I am so mortified! I can't believe the police actually showed up.

I'm mortified, too. Trying to talk to somebody

spitting in your face all the time.

Go ahead. Make jokes. Laugh it up.

'Cause now, you're gonna have to go upstairs

and tell Kady what you do to me.

Why is that my job?

'Cause it's your turn!

No, I told Junior.

I tell the boys, you tell the girls.

No! No, we alternate.

I'll get the next one.

What next one? There is no next one.

I don't know, you did a pretty good job tonight.

I mean, even the law came.

Gee, I wonder where Kady is.

Oh, boy. She's not... Not in the box.

Oh, I wonder...

Excuse me, horsey.

Have you seen my beautiful daughter?

Uh, sir, why don't you try searching underneath the bed?

Uh, cot?

Hey. There she goes.

Hi.

Did I do something bad?

No. You thought your mother was in trouble so you called 911.

You did the right thing. That's what we taught you.

Thank you.

But you know, I love your mommy.

I would never do anything to hurt her.

I know, but why was she going, "Oh, God, oh, God, oh God"?

Because she was thankful.

Why was she screaming?

Because she was having fun.

You know how like when we go to the amusement park,

and you get on the roller coaster, and you're like...

(MIMICS SCREAMING)

But you're still having fun.

Oh...

Yeah, so, me and your mommy was playing the roller coaster game.

When it was over, did Mommy throw up?

No, but she did ride it backwards.

Did she wanna go on it again?

Yeah. But there's a one hour wait.

Look. Why don't we get you in bed, huh? Come on.

Come on, jump up here. Doink. Doink.

Good night. I love you.

Daddy...

I can't wait to play the roller coaster game.

Oh, yes, you can.

You gotta be this tall to ride the roller coaster.

And married.

(LAUGHING)

What are you doing?

Isn't that your homework?

No, dummy.

You know how obsessed Mom gets about learning

and knowledge and all that stuff?

Yeah. Once she gets interested in a subject,

she won't stop till she knows everything about it.

Right. Then I get her to write it down and slap my name on it.

Wow. You're good.

Mom, I just finished this report on whaling in New England.

Could you check it for me?

Oh, sure.

Claire, you got maple syrup all over it.

Oh, no!

And why is this only one page?

How did you do your research?

I just asked around.

Claire Kyle, you are much smarter than that.

You're my child.

I was an "A" student. I know you can do this if you just apply yourself.

(GROANS) When is this report due?

Not until Friday, but I don't know how to get started.

Can you help me?

All right. I can look some stuff up for you.

Just to get you going.

Thanks, Mom. That'd be great.

Hey, Junior. Come on, we got to go to the doctor. Hurry up.

(GROANING)

I don't feel too good.

Oh, so you don't want to go to the doctor, because you're sick.

Uh-huh.

Promise me you won't reproduce.

Junior, what is it that you're most afraid of at the doctor's?

I hate the sight of blood. It makes me dizzy.

Okay. You watch horror movies. They're bloody.

Yeah, but that's movie blood.

This is Junior's blood.

Look. He's just gonna give you allergy shots.

I promise you, he's not gonna take blood.

All right, let's take that blood.

Dad? Sorry.

Now, now, now. Junior, this won't hurt a bit.

Of course this won't hurt because I'm not gonna let you do it.

Hey, hey, hey. Let me, let me help you, Doctor.

And how are you gonna do that?

Okay. Simple. I want you to take my hand.

All right. And then, I want you to look me in the eye.

This is a old Marine trick.

Now, I want you to think about the girl you like most at your school.

You got the image? (CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Carmella.

Okay, I want you to meet her father.

(GRUNTS)

(SQUEALING)

What you doing chasing my daughter?

What about my fingers?

Don't you ever talk to my girl again!

Stop! You hear me? Do you hear me?

You're crushing my hand!

(WHIMPERING) Finished, Doc?

All finished.

Oh, you can get dressed now, Junior.

And why don't you ask Nurse Lorraine for a lollypop?

Okay.

He's a klepto.

Uh, Doc, listen. While I'm here...

This may not be anything, but

I'm having a little trouble going to the bathroom.

Oh, gee, I hate to get technical, Michael,

but are you talking number one or number two?

It's one. Uh-huh.

Well, what's going on?

Well, like, sometimes

when I put my player on the bench, he still wants to dribble.

What do you think?

It depends.

Depends? I got to wear diapers?

(MUMBLING)

It all depends. Oh.

As you get older, it's fairly common problem I see.

Since you're here, let's check your prostate.

Oh, no, it's fine. It just healed up.

Wait. No, no, no. Don't be a baby.

Hey, did you know that black men are three times more likely

to have a prostate problem?

That's because they're three times less likely

to let someone stick their finger in their behind and find it.

Why is my butt hanging out?

Because us poor underpaid health care workers have to get some perks.

Mmm, mmm, bootylicious.

Uh, excuse me, but I'm a happily married man, okay?

And I'm a big lesbian, but I'm not blind.

Uh, this is our new nurse, Lorraine.

What happened to the old one? Lorraine eat her?

No, I married her.

Now you wanna wise off some more? I'm gonna take your blood.

No, ma'am, sir, ma'am.

Uh, thanks, Lorraine. Could you give us a minute, please?

Ooh! Party time.

Enjoy.

Okay, Michael, I want you to lean against the examination table.

Take a pigeon-toed stance and stick your butt out.

How about those Knicks, huh?

Huh? Great team. They're all tall and...

The sooner you let me do this, the sooner it'll be over.

Why'd you take your watch off?

I saw you take your watch off.

Hey, look. This is not the highlight of my day either, all right?

So, let's just do this.

Wait. One other thing.

What?

Could you tell me I'm pretty?

You're gorgeous.

So, how you feel?

A little naughty.

Slightly vulnerable, a little needy.

Will you look at me, Doc?

I need to know you care.

Little eye contact would help.

So, how was I?

Oh, I've had better.

(LAUGHS)

Sorry, couldn't resist.

Listen, you're fine.

But what I want you to do is, I want you to drink more water,

and I want you to drink unsweetened cranberry juice,

and I want to see you again in a year.

A whole year? Is it something I said, Doc?

(CHUCKLES)

Listen. Since you're so enthusiastic about all this,

there's another procedure I'd like to suggest.

Oh, what? You gonna put a camera in my butt

and look around or something...

How's next Tuesday?

You're kidding, right?

Oh, no. It's called a colonoscopy.

Yeah, we put a small fiber optic camera in a long tube

and then we insert it into and all the way up through the colon.

Not on me, you don't.

See, I've had enough probing done for a lifetime.

Michael, it's not gonna hurt.

We give you drugs. I want you to have this.

Doc, look. I work out, I exercise, I eat right.

I don't... I'm fine.

I'm... No.

All right. Well, why don't you think of it this way?

It's your ass.

It's ours, now.

Hi, Mom.

Did you know that the average blowhole is three feet in diameter?

Is that before or after the colonoscopy?

What?

Dad's gonna be in a movie.

Oh, I mean, a movie's gonna be in Dad.

(LAUGHS) Oh, this kid is great!

(EXCLAIMS)

What is he talking about?

Dr. Klieger wants me to go see a specialist and have a colonoscopy done,

which I absolutely won't do.

Oh, I think that's a great idea.

You do? Well, why don't you get one done?

Oh, come on, Michael.

Katie Couric had one done on television.

Don't tell me you're not as brave as Katie Couric.

I don't know, she's one tough little fire-plug.

It's just too invasive for me.

Michael, do not talk to me about invasive. I'm a woman.

We have more things going in and out of us than a bus station.

Look I had my prostate checked.

It was fine. Clean as a whistle.

Okay? Why do you want me to go digging for trouble?

If they find something wrong, wouldn't you want know?

No, I wouldn't.

That is insane.

If you dig deep enough for trouble, you're bound to find it.

Or scrape a wall in the process.

Why is it that men take better care of their cars than their own bodies?

Because we don't mind having dipsticks put into our cars.

Okay. And what kind of sick person picks this as a profession?

Do you know how nasty that is? (SIGHS)

You ever work in McDonald's and you come home smelling like burgers?

Well, you know what? You give me one good reason why I need to do this thing.

Here comes one now.

Daddy's home!

(GRUNTS)

Okay. Give me the phone.

Mmm-hmm.

(BOTH SIGH)

Is that roasted chicken on rye?

Mmm-hmm.

We had a lot of leftover dinner for some reason.

Maybe that's 'cause I can't eat on account of the colonoscopy

you're making me take tomorrow.

Baby, I'm sorry. I forgot.

This is really rude of me. I'm gonna get rid of it, okay?

Well, thank you for taking my feelings into consideration.

Uh-huh. Is it good?

Oh, it's real good, but I feel bad.

I bet you do.

You want a piece of popcorn?

Oh, yeah. That's great.

And I can wash it down with this delicious laxative called GoLYTELY.

Mmm. Hey, babe.

Mmm. Ooh, babe.

Wait. That's delicious.

Listen. Did you know by the mid-17th century,

New Bedford was the greatest whaling port in the world?

Wow! Mmm-hmm.

Boring.

It's not boring.

Did you know that whale voyages like the one in Moby Dick

sometimes took three to four years?

Ooh. You know what's more amazing?

What? Your daughter Claire doesn't know any of this.

What?

She's doing it to you again?

She's doing what?

She's taking advantage of your thirst for knowledge

and getting you to do her homework.

What are you talking about?

Remember last year you built the volcano this big?

Oooh, that was good.

Did you know that there are over 500 active volcanos on earth?

And we got an A on that.

Yeah, we.

You hear that? We got an A.

You're back in 9th grade with her.

All right, all right. I'll stop.

Thank you.

Just let me do the bibliography first.

Don't give me that face.

That's not a face, that's GoLYTELY!

(JAY GROANS)

Hurry up.

(MOANS)

Whoo! That Moby Dick is something else.

Everything okay?

Yeah.

It was like The Great Escape, except Steve McQueen was a piece of corn.

You're not worried about tomorrow, are you?

Nah. Not really.

Good. 'Cause everything's gonna be okay. They're not gonna find anything.

Then why the hell do you keep pressuring me to do this?

Let's not start this conversation again, honey, okay? I love you.

Good night. Try to get some rest.

(SIGHS)

Well, well, well...

I thought we'd never get you in here.

Can we just hurry up and get this over with?

Where's the doctor?

The doctor will be with you in a moment.

Is he any good?

He's the Michael Jordan of the colonoscope.

I've seen him put one in from across the room.

Well, what kind of drugs are you guys giving me?

(LAUGHING) Oh!

Dr. Rawls only uses one drug...

(YOU'LL NEVER FIND ANOTHER LOVE LIKE MINE PLAYING)

Love.

Stop, you're killing me.

(GRUNTS) Oh! Michael.

Michael! Michael!

Oh, God! You're killing me. Michael, wake up!

You're having a nightmare.

(PANTING)

Are you guys riding the roller coaster again?

Hey, Mom. Hey.

Um, are you finished with my report?

Oh, yeah, I'm done.

Oh, good, 'cause I have to turn it in tomorrow.

Okay, here you go.

But this is what I wrote.

Oh, yes. And thank you so much for showing it to me.

You know it inspired me?

I know more about whaling than an expert.

For instance, did you know that sperm whales only have teeth on the bottom?

No.

Well, you would if you looked it up.

And this is the most interesting fact.

See, I didn't even know this.

Your daddy pointed it out to me.

All mother whales insist that their offspring

do their own homework!

Whales don't do homework.

How would you know?

By my calculations, oh, yes, you only have about,

ooh, 23 hours to go finish your report. So you better go get busy.

(EXCLAIMS) Don't make that sound.

I invented that sound.

Oh, honey. Baby, I've been thinking about you all day.

How did it go? Was it uncomfortable?

Doctor said I took it like a man.

And I got a tape.

Well, I bet you're happy that it's all behind you, Michael.

Look. Don't use the words "happy" and "behind" in the same sentence again.

Sorry.

I know I'll be glad when these results come in.

They found something.

Yeah. Thanks to you. It's all your fault.

You're the one who wanted them to look around.

Wait, wait, wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Aren't you glad that they found this, whatever it is?

No, I'm not, because this, whatever it is,

probably would have fell out on its own

while I was playing basketball or something.

Just running up the stairs. Ploop! It's out.

Okay, Michael, you're being ridiculous.

This is why they do these tests in the first place,

so that if they find something they can get it out before it becomes a problem.

Mmm, you're right. You're right. You know, you're right about everything.

You're just right, right, right... Oh, no!

I know where you're going. You're being unfair right now.

You're right again.

Michael, I understand that you're upset,

but don't take this out on me.

Righty-o.

You're being immature.

Right on! Okay!

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Nobody answer that.

Hello. Hey, Dr. Klieger.

It was what?

Say that again.

Really? Thank you.

(STAMMERS) Okay, bye.

Well? It was just popcorn.

Oh... There was a popcorn kernel.

Oh! I'm so happy. Can you believe that?

Oh, baby.

Listen, I'm... I'm so sorry that I snapped at you.

I mean, I was terrified.

And I just kept thinking, you know, if something were to really be wrong,

I may never see you and the kids again.

Jay, you'll never find

another love like mine.

As long as you search,

the one who cares about you...

Don't I know this song?

* Tender like...

(LAUGHING)

Ooh, pookie!

Oh, wow. Look. It is the cops.

Oh, God, I hope it's not Claire or...

Junior. Yeah.

(LAUGHS)

JAY: I hope it's not the kids.

Good evening, Officer.

What's the problem?

Are you Mr. Michael Kyle?

Yes, I am. Did something happen to my kids?

No, I'm here investigating a phone call received about a woman screaming...

(LAUGHS)

MAN: Okay...