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1
00:00:08,942 --> 00:00:09,912
(WATER RUNNING)
2
00:00:09,943 --> 00:00:13,113
Honey, why are you running
the water so long?
3
00:00:13,147 --> 00:00:14,577
MICHAEL: It's my
inspiration to pee-pee.
4
00:00:16,617 --> 00:00:18,517
You need to be inspired?
5
00:00:18,552 --> 00:00:20,522
Lately, yeah.
6
00:00:20,554 --> 00:00:22,594
I mean, there was a time
when I could write
my name, address,
7
00:00:22,623 --> 00:00:24,593
and social security number
in the snow.
8
00:00:24,625 --> 00:00:27,225
Now, I'm lucky if I could
squeeze out initials.
9
00:00:28,296 --> 00:00:29,826
(GROANS IN DISGUST)
10
00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:32,103
Why don't you ask
Dr. Klieger about it?
11
00:00:32,133 --> 00:00:34,803
You're taking Junior
over there for his allergy
shot tomorrow, anyway.
12
00:00:34,835 --> 00:00:36,095
Yeah, I might do that.
13
00:00:36,137 --> 00:00:37,307
Uh, hey.
14
00:00:37,338 --> 00:00:38,568
Hmm?
15
00:00:38,606 --> 00:00:40,336
You were great tonight.
16
00:00:40,374 --> 00:00:42,084
You know
I do that sometime.
17
00:00:42,110 --> 00:00:43,540
(LAUGHING)
18
00:00:44,645 --> 00:00:46,175
(DOORBELL RINGING)
19
00:00:46,214 --> 00:00:48,184
Who could that be
at this time of night?
20
00:00:48,216 --> 00:00:50,276
It's probably the cops.
All that noise you
were making.
21
00:00:53,587 --> 00:00:55,287
Oh, wow. Look.
It is the cops.
22
00:00:55,323 --> 00:00:57,463
Oh, God,
I hope it's not
Claire or Junior.
23
00:00:58,892 --> 00:01:00,392
Good evening,
Officer.
24
00:01:00,428 --> 00:01:01,458
What seems to be
the problem?
25
00:01:01,495 --> 00:01:03,325
Are you
Mr. Michael Kyle?
26
00:01:03,364 --> 00:01:04,374
Yes, I am.
Is there something wrong
with my kids?
27
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:06,498
No, I'm here
to investigate
a call we received
28
00:01:06,534 --> 00:01:08,374
about a woman screaming
at this address.
29
00:01:09,203 --> 00:01:11,613
(LAUGHING)
30
00:01:11,639 --> 00:01:13,539
I think
I can explain that.
31
00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:16,284
I am so embarrassed.
Excuse me.
32
00:01:16,310 --> 00:01:18,180
Hey, go make me
a sandwich, girl.
33
00:01:19,913 --> 00:01:21,623
Actually the call came
from within the house.
34
00:01:21,649 --> 00:01:23,849
Someone by
the name of Kady.
35
00:01:23,884 --> 00:01:25,254
That's my
five-year-old daughter.
36
00:01:25,286 --> 00:01:28,556
Well, it seems she
reported a woman screaming,
"Oh, God. Oh, God!
37
00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:30,519
"You're killing me."
38
00:01:30,558 --> 00:01:32,488
Yeah, that's what
she said, all right.
39
00:01:32,526 --> 00:01:36,226
(LAUGHS) You know sometimes,
you just got to hurt 'em,
show them who the boss.
40
00:01:36,264 --> 00:01:38,374
(LAUGHING) You know
what I'm saying?
41
00:01:38,399 --> 00:01:41,199
I know what you're saying.
Do me a favor.
42
00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:42,335
Keep it down.
43
00:01:42,370 --> 00:01:43,900
You're talking about
the noise, right?
44
00:01:43,937 --> 00:01:48,177
(CHUCKLES) 'Cause, if not
you might as well arrest me
for disturbing the peace!
45
00:01:48,176 --> 00:01:49,376
(LAUGHING)
46
00:01:49,410 --> 00:01:50,480
Okay. Okay.
47
00:01:51,845 --> 00:01:52,905
All right, Officer.
48
00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:54,776
Well, everything
seems to be okay here.
49
00:01:54,815 --> 00:01:56,215
You have a good night.
50
00:01:56,250 --> 00:01:57,220
I already did.
51
00:02:00,354 --> 00:02:01,894
(GROANS)
52
00:02:01,922 --> 00:02:05,762
I am so mortified!
I can't believe the police
actually showed up.
53
00:02:05,793 --> 00:02:07,433
I'm mortified, too.
Trying to talk to somebody
54
00:02:07,461 --> 00:02:09,261
spitting in your face
all the time.
55
00:02:17,605 --> 00:02:20,835
Go ahead. Make jokes.
Laugh it up.
56
00:02:20,874 --> 00:02:23,284
'Cause now, you're gonna
have to go upstairs
57
00:02:23,311 --> 00:02:24,511
and tell Kady
what you do to me.
58
00:02:25,546 --> 00:02:28,246
Why is that my job?
59
00:02:28,282 --> 00:02:29,552
'Cause it's your turn!
60
00:02:29,583 --> 00:02:31,423
No, I told Junior.
61
00:02:31,452 --> 00:02:33,352
I tell the boys,
you tell the girls.
62
00:02:33,387 --> 00:02:35,287
No! No,
we alternate.
63
00:02:35,323 --> 00:02:36,363
I'll get the next one.
64
00:02:36,390 --> 00:02:39,230
What next one?
There is no next one.
65
00:02:39,227 --> 00:02:40,827
I don't know,
you did a pretty
good job tonight.
66
00:02:40,861 --> 00:02:42,301
I mean, even
the law came.
67
00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:58,880
Gee, I wonder where Kady is.
68
00:03:00,381 --> 00:03:03,621
Oh, boy. She's not...
Not in the box.
69
00:03:04,918 --> 00:03:06,888
Oh, I wonder...
70
00:03:06,920 --> 00:03:08,590
Excuse me, horsey.
71
00:03:08,622 --> 00:03:11,332
Have you seen my
beautiful daughter?
72
00:03:11,359 --> 00:03:14,329
Uh, sir,
why don't you try searching
underneath the bed?
73
00:03:14,362 --> 00:03:15,362
Uh, cot?
74
00:03:18,532 --> 00:03:21,672
Hey. There she goes.
75
00:03:23,704 --> 00:03:25,344
Hi.
76
00:03:25,373 --> 00:03:27,643
Did I do something bad?
77
00:03:27,675 --> 00:03:31,575
No. You thought
your mother was in trouble
so you called 911.
78
00:03:31,612 --> 00:03:33,582
You did the right thing.
That's what we taught you.
79
00:03:33,614 --> 00:03:34,854
Thank you.
80
00:03:34,882 --> 00:03:36,352
But you know,
I love your mommy.
81
00:03:36,384 --> 00:03:38,354
I would never do
anything to hurt her.
82
00:03:38,386 --> 00:03:41,386
I know, but why was she going,
"Oh, God, oh, God, oh God"?
83
00:03:42,656 --> 00:03:44,286
Because she was thankful.
84
00:03:47,695 --> 00:03:49,725
Why was she screaming?
85
00:03:49,763 --> 00:03:51,533
Because she was having fun.
86
00:03:51,565 --> 00:03:53,465
You know how like
when we go to the
amusement park,
87
00:03:53,501 --> 00:03:55,471
and you get on
the roller coaster,
and you're like...
88
00:03:55,503 --> 00:03:57,373
(MIMICS SCREAMING)
89
00:03:57,405 --> 00:03:58,865
But you're still having fun.
90
00:03:58,906 --> 00:04:00,636
Oh...
91
00:04:00,674 --> 00:04:03,744
Yeah, so, me and
your mommy was playing
the roller coaster game.
92
00:04:03,777 --> 00:04:05,807
When it was over,
did Mommy throw up?
93
00:04:07,481 --> 00:04:09,381
No, but she did
ride it backwards.
94
00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:13,424
Did she wanna
go on it again?
95
00:04:13,454 --> 00:04:15,524
Yeah. But there's
a one hour wait.
96
00:04:17,458 --> 00:04:20,328
Look. Why don't
we get you in bed, huh?
Come on.
97
00:04:23,497 --> 00:04:26,697
Come on, jump up here.
Doink. Doink.
98
00:04:27,801 --> 00:04:29,701
Good night. I love you.
99
00:04:32,105 --> 00:04:33,765
Daddy...
100
00:04:33,807 --> 00:04:36,377
I can't wait to play
the roller coaster game.
101
00:04:37,445 --> 00:04:38,845
Oh, yes, you can.
102
00:04:38,879 --> 00:04:41,449
You gotta be this tall
to ride the roller coaster.
103
00:04:42,683 --> 00:04:43,683
And married.
104
00:04:44,585 --> 00:04:45,685
(LAUGHING)
105
00:04:54,662 --> 00:04:55,632
What are you doing?
106
00:04:56,664 --> 00:04:57,704
Isn't that your homework?
107
00:04:58,632 --> 00:04:59,832
No, dummy.
108
00:04:59,867 --> 00:05:01,637
You know how obsessed
Mom gets about learning
109
00:05:01,669 --> 00:05:03,099
and knowledge
and all that stuff?
110
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:05,536
Yeah. Once she gets
interested in a subject,
111
00:05:05,573 --> 00:05:07,813
she won't stop
till she knows
everything about it.
112
00:05:07,841 --> 00:05:11,011
Right. Then I get her
to write it down and
slap my name on it.
113
00:05:12,145 --> 00:05:14,715
Wow. You're good.
114
00:05:14,748 --> 00:05:17,688
Mom, I just finished
this report on whaling
in New England.
115
00:05:17,718 --> 00:05:18,718
Could you
check it for me?
116
00:05:18,752 --> 00:05:20,722
Oh, sure.
117
00:05:20,754 --> 00:05:23,024
Claire, you got
maple syrup all over it.
118
00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:24,386
Oh, no!
119
00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:27,659
And why is this
only one page?
120
00:05:27,695 --> 00:05:29,055
How did you do
your research?
121
00:05:29,096 --> 00:05:30,796
I just asked around.
122
00:05:30,831 --> 00:05:32,701
Claire Kyle, you are much
smarter than that.
123
00:05:32,733 --> 00:05:34,173
You're my child.
124
00:05:34,201 --> 00:05:37,741
I was an "A" student.
I know you can do this
if you just apply yourself.
125
00:05:37,771 --> 00:05:39,611
(GROANS) When is
this report due?
126
00:05:39,640 --> 00:05:42,810
Not until Friday,
but I don't know
how to get started.
127
00:05:42,843 --> 00:05:44,043
Can you help me?
128
00:05:46,447 --> 00:05:49,577
All right. I can look
some stuff up for you.
129
00:05:49,617 --> 00:05:50,817
Just to get you going.
130
00:05:50,851 --> 00:05:52,491
Thanks, Mom.
That'd be great.
131
00:05:54,822 --> 00:05:57,592
Hey, Junior.
Come on, we got to go
to the doctor. Hurry up.
132
00:05:57,625 --> 00:05:59,055
(GROANING)
133
00:05:59,092 --> 00:06:01,032
I don't feel too good.
134
00:06:01,061 --> 00:06:03,601
Oh, so you don't want
to go to the doctor,
because you're sick.
135
00:06:03,631 --> 00:06:04,701
Uh-huh.
136
00:06:04,732 --> 00:06:06,432
Promise me
you won't reproduce.
137
00:06:09,437 --> 00:06:13,567
Junior, what is it that
you're most afraid of
at the doctor's?
138
00:06:13,607 --> 00:06:16,107
I hate the sight
of blood.
It makes me dizzy.
139
00:06:16,143 --> 00:06:19,483
Okay.
You watch horror movies.
They're bloody.
140
00:06:19,513 --> 00:06:20,783
Yeah, but that's
movie blood.
141
00:06:20,814 --> 00:06:23,054
This is Junior's blood.
142
00:06:23,083 --> 00:06:25,753
Look. He's just
gonna give you
allergy shots.
143
00:06:25,786 --> 00:06:28,016
I promise you,
he's not gonna take blood.
144
00:06:28,055 --> 00:06:30,185
All right,
let's take that blood.
145
00:06:30,223 --> 00:06:31,763
Dad?
Sorry.
146
00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:33,762
Now, now, now.
Junior, this won't
hurt a bit.
147
00:06:33,794 --> 00:06:36,734
Of course this won't hurt
because I'm not
gonna let you do it.
148
00:06:36,764 --> 00:06:39,104
Hey, hey, hey.
Let me, let me
help you, Doctor.
149
00:06:39,132 --> 00:06:40,472
And how are you
gonna do that?
150
00:06:40,501 --> 00:06:42,201
Okay. Simple.
I want you to
take my hand.
151
00:06:42,235 --> 00:06:44,465
All right.
And then, I want you
to look me in the eye.
152
00:06:44,505 --> 00:06:46,105
This is a old
Marine trick.
153
00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:50,979
Now, I want you to think
about the girl you like
most at your school.
154
00:06:51,011 --> 00:06:52,751
You got the image?
(CHUCKLES) Yeah.
155
00:06:52,780 --> 00:06:54,010
Carmella.
156
00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:55,617
Okay, I want you
to meet her father.
157
00:06:55,649 --> 00:06:56,649
(GRUNTS)
158
00:06:56,684 --> 00:06:57,724
(SQUEALING)
159
00:06:57,751 --> 00:06:59,491
What you doing
chasing my daughter?
160
00:06:59,487 --> 00:07:00,247
What about
my fingers?
161
00:07:00,287 --> 00:07:02,217
Don't you ever
talk to my girl again!
162
00:07:02,255 --> 00:07:03,655
Stop!
You hear me?
Do you hear me?
163
00:07:03,691 --> 00:07:04,761
You're crushing my hand!
164
00:07:04,792 --> 00:07:06,232
(WHIMPERING)
Finished, Doc?
165
00:07:06,259 --> 00:07:08,199
All finished.
166
00:07:08,228 --> 00:07:09,998
Oh, you can
get dressed now, Junior.
167
00:07:10,030 --> 00:07:12,000
And why don't you ask
Nurse Lorraine
for a lollypop?
168
00:07:12,032 --> 00:07:13,002
Okay.
169
00:07:23,577 --> 00:07:25,507
He's a klepto.
170
00:07:25,546 --> 00:07:27,646
Uh, Doc, listen.
While I'm here...
171
00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:29,951
This may not
be anything, but
172
00:07:29,983 --> 00:07:32,623
I'm having a little trouble
going to the bathroom.
173
00:07:32,653 --> 00:07:34,153
Oh, gee, I hate
to get technical, Michael,
174
00:07:34,187 --> 00:07:36,187
but are you talking
number one or number two?
175
00:07:37,558 --> 00:07:39,088
It's one.
Uh-huh.
176
00:07:39,126 --> 00:07:40,656
Well, what's going on?
177
00:07:40,694 --> 00:07:42,664
Well, like, sometimes
178
00:07:42,696 --> 00:07:46,526
when I put my player
on the bench,
he still wants to dribble.
179
00:07:50,037 --> 00:07:50,997
What do you think?
180
00:07:51,038 --> 00:07:52,108
It depends.
181
00:07:52,139 --> 00:07:53,539
Depends?
I got to wear diapers?
182
00:07:54,642 --> 00:07:56,142
(MUMBLING)
183
00:07:57,945 --> 00:07:59,645
It all depends.
Oh.
184
00:07:59,680 --> 00:08:02,080
As you get older,
it's fairly common
problem I see.
185
00:08:02,115 --> 00:08:03,915
Since you're here,
let's check your prostate.
186
00:08:03,951 --> 00:08:05,721
Oh, no, it's fine.
It just healed up.
187
00:08:05,753 --> 00:08:07,923
Wait. No, no, no.
Don't be a baby.
188
00:08:07,955 --> 00:08:10,585
Hey, did you know
that black men are
three times more likely
189
00:08:10,624 --> 00:08:12,094
to have
a prostate problem?
190
00:08:12,125 --> 00:08:14,125
That's because
they're three times
less likely
191
00:08:14,161 --> 00:08:16,231
to let someone stick their
finger in their behind
and find it.
192
00:08:18,165 --> 00:08:19,965
Why is my butt
hanging out?
193
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:23,040
Because us poor underpaid
health care workers
have to get some perks.
194
00:08:24,004 --> 00:08:26,614
Mmm, mmm, bootylicious.
195
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:30,580
Uh, excuse me,
but I'm a happily
married man, okay?
196
00:08:30,578 --> 00:08:34,008
And I'm a big lesbian,
but I'm not blind.
197
00:08:34,047 --> 00:08:36,147
Uh, this is our new
nurse, Lorraine.
198
00:08:36,183 --> 00:08:38,153
What happened to the old one?
Lorraine eat her?
199
00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:40,689
No, I married her.
200
00:08:40,721 --> 00:08:43,661
Now you wanna
wise off some more?
I'm gonna take your blood.
201
00:08:43,691 --> 00:08:45,291
No, ma'am,
sir, ma'am.
202
00:08:45,325 --> 00:08:47,285
Uh, thanks, Lorraine.
Could you give us
a minute, please?
203
00:08:47,327 --> 00:08:48,597
Ooh! Party time.
204
00:08:49,730 --> 00:08:50,860
Enjoy.
205
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:56,600
Okay, Michael,
I want you to lean against
the examination table.
206
00:08:56,604 --> 00:08:59,244
Take a pigeon-toed stance
and stick your butt out.
207
00:09:02,710 --> 00:09:03,940
How about
those Knicks, huh?
208
00:09:06,146 --> 00:09:09,016
Huh? Great team.
They're all tall and...
209
00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:11,619
The sooner you let me do this,
the sooner it'll be over.
210
00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:12,852
Why'd you take
your watch off?
211
00:09:12,886 --> 00:09:15,016
I saw you take
your watch off.
212
00:09:15,055 --> 00:09:18,255
Hey, look.
This is not the highlight
of my day either, all right?
213
00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:19,831
So, let's just do this.
214
00:09:23,230 --> 00:09:24,360
Wait. One other thing.
215
00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:26,097
What?
216
00:09:26,133 --> 00:09:27,133
Could you tell me
I'm pretty?
217
00:09:29,002 --> 00:09:30,002
You're gorgeous.
218
00:09:36,343 --> 00:09:37,913
So, how you feel?
219
00:09:37,945 --> 00:09:39,645
A little naughty.
220
00:09:39,647 --> 00:09:41,107
Slightly vulnerable,
a little needy.
221
00:09:41,148 --> 00:09:42,348
Will you look at me, Doc?
222
00:09:45,686 --> 00:09:47,016
I need to know you care.
223
00:09:47,054 --> 00:09:48,664
Little eye contact would help.
224
00:09:51,024 --> 00:09:52,064
So, how was I?
225
00:09:52,092 --> 00:09:53,092
Oh, I've had better.
226
00:09:53,126 --> 00:09:54,156
(LAUGHS)
227
00:09:54,194 --> 00:09:55,664
Sorry,
couldn't resist.
228
00:09:57,064 --> 00:09:59,034
Listen, you're fine.
229
00:09:59,066 --> 00:10:01,066
But what I want you
to do is, I want you
to drink more water,
230
00:10:01,101 --> 00:10:03,971
and I want you to drink
unsweetened cranberry juice,
231
00:10:04,004 --> 00:10:06,244
and I want to see you
again in a year.
232
00:10:06,273 --> 00:10:09,013
A whole year?
Is it something
I said, Doc?
233
00:10:09,042 --> 00:10:10,942
(CHUCKLES)
234
00:10:10,978 --> 00:10:12,878
Listen. Since you're
so enthusiastic
about all this,
235
00:10:12,913 --> 00:10:15,223
there's another procedure
I'd like to suggest.
236
00:10:15,248 --> 00:10:17,818
Oh, what?
You gonna put
a camera in my butt
237
00:10:17,851 --> 00:10:19,151
and look around
or something...
238
00:10:19,186 --> 00:10:20,286
How's next Tuesday?
239
00:10:22,890 --> 00:10:23,990
You're kidding, right?
240
00:10:24,024 --> 00:10:26,394
Oh, no. It's called
a colonoscopy.
241
00:10:26,426 --> 00:10:29,226
Yeah, we put a small
fiber optic camera
in a long tube
242
00:10:29,262 --> 00:10:32,972
and then we insert it into
and all the way
up through the colon.
243
00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:34,370
Not on me, you don't.
244
00:10:34,401 --> 00:10:37,301
See, I've had
enough probing done
for a lifetime.
245
00:10:37,337 --> 00:10:39,367
Michael, it's not
gonna hurt.
246
00:10:39,406 --> 00:10:41,236
We give you drugs.
I want you to have this.
247
00:10:41,274 --> 00:10:45,184
Doc, look. I work out,
I exercise, I eat right.
248
00:10:45,212 --> 00:10:46,812
I don't... I'm fine.
249
00:10:46,847 --> 00:10:48,217
I'm... No.
250
00:10:48,248 --> 00:10:51,418
All right.
Well, why don't you
think of it this way?
251
00:10:51,451 --> 00:10:52,851
It's your ass.
252
00:10:53,453 --> 00:10:54,763
It's ours, now.
253
00:11:08,035 --> 00:11:09,765
Hi, Mom.
254
00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:12,943
Did you know that the average
blowhole is three feet
in diameter?
255
00:11:12,973 --> 00:11:14,783
Is that before or after
the colonoscopy?
256
00:11:15,342 --> 00:11:16,482
What?
257
00:11:16,509 --> 00:11:18,079
Dad's gonna be
in a movie.
258
00:11:18,111 --> 00:11:20,151
Oh, I mean,
a movie's gonna be
in Dad.
259
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,280
(LAUGHS) Oh,
this kid is great!
260
00:11:22,315 --> 00:11:23,245
(EXCLAIMS)
261
00:11:24,818 --> 00:11:26,318
What is he talking about?
262
00:11:26,353 --> 00:11:30,263
Dr. Klieger wants me to go
see a specialist and have
a colonoscopy done,
263
00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:32,190
which I absolutely won't do.
264
00:11:32,225 --> 00:11:33,825
Oh, I think
that's a great idea.
265
00:11:33,861 --> 00:11:36,901
You do?
Well, why don't you
get one done?
266
00:11:36,930 --> 00:11:38,270
Oh, come on, Michael.
267
00:11:38,298 --> 00:11:40,768
Katie Couric had one
done on television.
268
00:11:40,768 --> 00:11:42,768
Don't tell me you're not
as brave as Katie Couric.
269
00:11:42,770 --> 00:11:44,870
I don't know,
she's one tough
little fire-plug.
270
00:11:46,139 --> 00:11:47,809
It's just too
invasive for me.
271
00:11:47,841 --> 00:11:50,911
Michael, do not
talk to me about invasive.
I'm a woman.
272
00:11:50,944 --> 00:11:54,154
We have more things
going in and out of us
than a bus station.
273
00:11:54,181 --> 00:11:56,121
Look I had
my prostate checked.
274
00:11:56,149 --> 00:11:58,249
It was fine.
Clean as a whistle.
275
00:11:58,285 --> 00:12:01,115
Okay?
Why do you want me to go
digging for trouble?
276
00:12:01,154 --> 00:12:02,994
If they find something wrong,
wouldn't you want know?
277
00:12:03,023 --> 00:12:04,023
No, I wouldn't.
278
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:06,157
That is insane.
279
00:12:06,193 --> 00:12:10,103
If you dig
deep enough for trouble,
you're bound to find it.
280
00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:12,070
Or scrape a wall
in the process.
281
00:12:12,099 --> 00:12:15,439
Why is it that men take
better care of their cars
than their own bodies?
282
00:12:15,468 --> 00:12:19,438
Because we don't mind
having dipsticks
put into our cars.
283
00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:24,881
Okay. And what kind
of sick person picks
this as a profession?
284
00:12:24,912 --> 00:12:26,952
Do you know
how nasty that is?
(SIGHS)
285
00:12:26,980 --> 00:12:29,880
You ever work in McDonald's
and you come home
smelling like burgers?
286
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:36,486
Well, you know what?
You give me one good reason
why I need to do this thing.
287
00:12:37,457 --> 00:12:38,527
Here comes one now.
288
00:12:38,558 --> 00:12:40,058
Daddy's home!
289
00:12:40,994 --> 00:12:42,004
(GRUNTS)
290
00:12:44,497 --> 00:12:46,927
Okay. Give me the phone.
291
00:12:46,967 --> 00:12:47,897
Mmm-hmm.
292
00:12:52,139 --> 00:12:53,839
(BOTH SIGH)
293
00:12:56,443 --> 00:12:58,013
Is that roasted chicken
on rye?
294
00:12:58,045 --> 00:12:59,505
Mmm-hmm.
295
00:12:59,546 --> 00:13:02,016
We had a lot of leftover
dinner for some reason.
296
00:13:02,049 --> 00:13:04,989
Maybe that's 'cause
I can't eat on account
of the colonoscopy
297
00:13:05,018 --> 00:13:06,488
you're making me
take tomorrow.
298
00:13:07,520 --> 00:13:10,020
Baby, I'm sorry. I forgot.
299
00:13:10,057 --> 00:13:12,857
This is really rude of me.
I'm gonna get rid of it, okay?
300
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:19,499
Well, thank you
for taking my feelings
into consideration.
301
00:13:19,532 --> 00:13:21,202
Uh-huh.
Is it good?
302
00:13:21,234 --> 00:13:23,374
Oh, it's real good,
but I feel bad.
303
00:13:24,237 --> 00:13:25,407
I bet you do.
304
00:13:25,438 --> 00:13:26,938
You want a piece
of popcorn?
305
00:13:26,974 --> 00:13:29,014
Oh, yeah. That's great.
306
00:13:29,042 --> 00:13:32,512
And I can wash it down
with this delicious laxative
called GoLYTELY.
307
00:13:34,948 --> 00:13:36,878
Mmm.
Hey, babe.
308
00:13:36,884 --> 00:13:37,994
Mmm.
Ooh, babe.
309
00:13:38,018 --> 00:13:39,888
Wait. That's delicious.
310
00:13:41,154 --> 00:13:44,894
Listen. Did you know
by the mid-17th century,
311
00:13:44,925 --> 00:13:48,955
New Bedford was
the greatest whaling port
in the world?
312
00:13:48,996 --> 00:13:50,026
Wow!
Mmm-hmm.
313
00:13:50,063 --> 00:13:51,203
Boring.
314
00:13:51,231 --> 00:13:53,201
It's not boring.
315
00:13:53,233 --> 00:13:55,543
Did you know that
whale voyages like
the one in Moby Dick
316
00:13:55,568 --> 00:13:58,008
sometimes took
three to four years?
317
00:13:58,038 --> 00:14:00,468
Ooh. You know
what's more amazing?
318
00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:03,107
What?
Your daughter Claire
doesn't know any of this.
319
00:14:03,977 --> 00:14:04,977
What?
320
00:14:05,012 --> 00:14:06,182
She's doing it
to you again?
321
00:14:06,213 --> 00:14:07,923
She's doing what?
322
00:14:07,915 --> 00:14:10,445
She's taking advantage
of your thirst for knowledge
323
00:14:10,483 --> 00:14:12,553
and getting you
to do her homework.
324
00:14:12,585 --> 00:14:13,715
What are you
talking about?
325
00:14:13,753 --> 00:14:16,663
Remember last year
you built the volcano
this big?
326
00:14:16,689 --> 00:14:19,589
Oooh, that was good.
327
00:14:19,626 --> 00:14:23,596
Did you know that
there are over 500
active volcanos on earth?
328
00:14:23,630 --> 00:14:24,930
And we got
an A on that.
329
00:14:25,698 --> 00:14:26,928
Yeah, we.
330
00:14:26,934 --> 00:14:28,374
You hear that?
We got an A.
331
00:14:28,401 --> 00:14:31,271
You're back
in 9th grade
with her.
332
00:14:31,304 --> 00:14:32,144
All right, all right.
I'll stop.
333
00:14:32,172 --> 00:14:33,272
Thank you.
334
00:14:33,306 --> 00:14:35,136
Just let me do
the bibliography first.
335
00:14:36,944 --> 00:14:38,014
Don't give me that face.
336
00:14:38,045 --> 00:14:39,175
That's not a face,
that's GoLYTELY!
337
00:14:41,214 --> 00:14:42,154
(JAY GROANS)
338
00:14:44,284 --> 00:14:45,294
Hurry up.
339
00:14:45,318 --> 00:14:46,348
(MOANS)
340
00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:56,203
Whoo! That Moby Dick
is something else.
341
00:14:58,165 --> 00:14:59,395
Everything okay?
342
00:14:59,432 --> 00:15:00,972
Yeah.
343
00:15:00,968 --> 00:15:04,398
It was like The Great Escape,
except Steve McQueen
was a piece of corn.
344
00:15:07,140 --> 00:15:09,080
You're not worried
about tomorrow, are you?
345
00:15:10,077 --> 00:15:12,007
Nah. Not really.
346
00:15:12,045 --> 00:15:15,475
Good. 'Cause everything's
gonna be okay. They're not
gonna find anything.
347
00:15:15,515 --> 00:15:19,045
Then why the hell do
you keep pressuring me
to do this?
348
00:15:19,086 --> 00:15:23,086
Let's not start this
conversation again,
honey, okay? I love you.
349
00:15:23,123 --> 00:15:25,063
Good night.
Try to get some rest.
350
00:15:30,697 --> 00:15:31,997
(SIGHS)
351
00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:46,681
Well, well, well...
352
00:15:46,713 --> 00:15:48,353
I thought we'd never
get you in here.
353
00:15:50,017 --> 00:15:52,247
Can we just hurry up
and get this over with?
354
00:15:52,285 --> 00:15:53,345
Where's the doctor?
355
00:15:53,386 --> 00:15:55,286
The doctor will be
with you in a moment.
356
00:15:58,091 --> 00:15:59,431
Is he any good?
357
00:15:59,459 --> 00:16:02,159
He's the Michael Jordan
of the colonoscope.
358
00:16:02,195 --> 00:16:04,095
I've seen him put one in
from across the room.
359
00:16:08,268 --> 00:16:10,268
Well, what kind of drugs
are you guys giving me?
360
00:16:10,303 --> 00:16:11,673
(LAUGHING) Oh!
361
00:16:11,704 --> 00:16:15,084
Dr. Rawls
only uses one drug...
362
00:16:15,108 --> 00:16:17,038
(YOU'LL NEVER FIND
ANOTHER LOVE
LIKE MINE PLAYING)
363
00:16:17,044 --> 00:16:18,054
Love.
364
00:17:15,735 --> 00:17:17,095
Stop, you're killing me.
365
00:17:17,104 --> 00:17:20,144
(GRUNTS) Oh!
Michael.
366
00:17:20,173 --> 00:17:21,213
Michael! Michael!
367
00:17:21,241 --> 00:17:23,111
Oh, God!
You're killing me.
Michael, wake up!
368
00:17:23,143 --> 00:17:24,343
You're having a nightmare.
369
00:17:24,377 --> 00:17:25,747
(PANTING)
370
00:17:25,778 --> 00:17:28,318
Are you guys riding
the roller coaster again?
371
00:17:34,654 --> 00:17:35,864
Hey, Mom.
Hey.
372
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:37,418
Um, are you finished
with my report?
373
00:17:37,457 --> 00:17:38,787
Oh, yeah, I'm done.
374
00:17:38,825 --> 00:17:40,655
Oh, good, 'cause I have
to turn it in tomorrow.
375
00:17:40,693 --> 00:17:41,733
Okay, here you go.
376
00:17:42,829 --> 00:17:44,599
But this is what I wrote.
377
00:17:44,631 --> 00:17:47,201
Oh, yes.
And thank you so much
for showing it to me.
378
00:17:47,234 --> 00:17:48,604
You know it inspired me?
379
00:17:48,635 --> 00:17:50,735
I know more about
whaling than an expert.
380
00:17:50,770 --> 00:17:54,870
For instance, did you know
that sperm whales only have
teeth on the bottom?
381
00:17:54,907 --> 00:17:56,277
No.
382
00:17:56,309 --> 00:17:57,639
Well, you would
if you looked it up.
383
00:17:59,879 --> 00:18:01,309
And this is the most
interesting fact.
384
00:18:01,348 --> 00:18:02,378
See, I didn't even
know this.
385
00:18:02,415 --> 00:18:04,245
Your daddy pointed
it out to me.
386
00:18:04,284 --> 00:18:07,324
All mother whales
insist that their offspring
387
00:18:07,354 --> 00:18:08,724
do their own homework!
388
00:18:09,789 --> 00:18:10,859
Whales don't do homework.
389
00:18:10,890 --> 00:18:13,260
How would you know?
390
00:18:13,293 --> 00:18:16,163
By my calculations,
oh, yes,
you only have about,
391
00:18:16,196 --> 00:18:19,796
ooh, 23 hours to go
finish your report.
So you better go get busy.
392
00:18:19,832 --> 00:18:22,172
(EXCLAIMS)
Don't make that sound.
393
00:18:22,202 --> 00:18:23,602
I invented that sound.
394
00:18:26,373 --> 00:18:30,713
Oh, honey.
Baby, I've been thinking
about you all day.
395
00:18:30,743 --> 00:18:32,753
How did it go?
Was it uncomfortable?
396
00:18:32,779 --> 00:18:34,509
Doctor said
I took it like a man.
397
00:18:36,183 --> 00:18:38,293
And I got a tape.
398
00:18:38,318 --> 00:18:40,748
Well, I bet
you're happy that it's all
behind you, Michael.
399
00:18:40,787 --> 00:18:46,227
Look. Don't use the words
"happy" and "behind" in
the same sentence again.
400
00:18:46,259 --> 00:18:47,859
Sorry.
401
00:18:47,894 --> 00:18:49,864
I know I'll be glad
when these results come in.
402
00:18:49,896 --> 00:18:51,196
They found something.
403
00:18:51,198 --> 00:18:53,728
Yeah. Thanks to you.
It's all your fault.
404
00:18:53,766 --> 00:18:55,936
You're the one who
wanted them to look around.
405
00:18:55,968 --> 00:18:57,738
Wait, wait, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
406
00:18:57,770 --> 00:18:59,840
Aren't you glad
that they found this,
whatever it is?
407
00:18:59,872 --> 00:19:03,212
No, I'm not,
because this,
whatever it is,
408
00:19:03,243 --> 00:19:04,813
probably would have
fell out on its own
409
00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:07,314
while I was
playing basketball
or something.
410
00:19:07,347 --> 00:19:09,577
Just running up the stairs.
Ploop! It's out.
411
00:19:09,616 --> 00:19:12,586
Okay, Michael,
you're being ridiculous.
412
00:19:12,619 --> 00:19:14,689
This is why they do these
tests in the first place,
413
00:19:14,721 --> 00:19:18,591
so that if they find something
they can get it out
before it becomes a problem.
414
00:19:18,625 --> 00:19:21,655
Mmm, you're right.
You're right. You know,
you're right about everything.
415
00:19:21,694 --> 00:19:23,734
You're just right,
right, right...
Oh, no!
416
00:19:23,763 --> 00:19:25,833
I know where you're going.
You're being unfair right now.
417
00:19:25,865 --> 00:19:27,695
You're right again.
418
00:19:27,734 --> 00:19:29,844
Michael, I understand
that you're upset,
419
00:19:29,869 --> 00:19:31,339
but don't take
this out on me.
420
00:19:31,371 --> 00:19:32,311
Righty-o.
421
00:19:33,273 --> 00:19:34,313
You're being immature.
422
00:19:34,341 --> 00:19:35,641
Right on!
Okay!
423
00:19:36,743 --> 00:19:37,813
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
424
00:19:37,844 --> 00:19:38,884
Nobody answer that.
425
00:19:45,718 --> 00:19:48,488
Hello. Hey,
Dr. Klieger.
426
00:19:51,624 --> 00:19:52,564
It was what?
427
00:19:54,294 --> 00:19:55,764
Say that again.
428
00:19:55,795 --> 00:19:57,795
Really? Thank you.
429
00:19:57,830 --> 00:19:59,570
(STAMMERS) Okay, bye.
430
00:20:01,601 --> 00:20:03,501
Well?
It was
just popcorn.
431
00:20:03,536 --> 00:20:04,896
Oh...
There was
a popcorn kernel.
432
00:20:04,937 --> 00:20:07,667
Oh! I'm so happy.
Can you believe that?
433
00:20:07,707 --> 00:20:09,237
Oh, baby.
434
00:20:09,276 --> 00:20:11,936
Listen, I'm...
I'm so sorry
that I snapped at you.
435
00:20:11,978 --> 00:20:14,778
I mean, I was terrified.
436
00:20:14,814 --> 00:20:18,254
And I just kept thinking,
you know, if something
were to really be wrong,
437
00:20:18,285 --> 00:20:20,245
I may never see you
and the kids again.
438
00:20:22,021 --> 00:20:23,961
Jay, you'll never find
439
00:20:25,292 --> 00:20:26,892
another love like mine.
440
00:20:28,060 --> 00:20:29,800
As long as you search,
441
00:20:29,829 --> 00:20:30,899
the one who cares about you...
442
00:20:30,930 --> 00:20:32,000
Don't I know this song?
443
00:20:34,334 --> 00:20:35,644
* Tender like...
444
00:20:35,668 --> 00:20:36,798
(LAUGHING)
445
00:20:39,606 --> 00:20:41,466
Ooh, pookie!
446
00:20:44,644 --> 00:20:46,614
Oh, wow. Look.
It is the cops.
447
00:20:46,646 --> 00:20:49,276
Oh, God,
I hope it's not
Claire or...
448
00:20:49,316 --> 00:20:50,646
Junior.
Yeah.
449
00:20:50,683 --> 00:20:51,623
(LAUGHS)
450
00:20:53,853 --> 00:20:55,253
JAY: I hope it's
not the kids.
451
00:20:56,989 --> 00:20:57,989
Good evening, Officer.
452
00:20:58,024 --> 00:20:59,294
What's the problem?
453
00:20:59,326 --> 00:21:00,656
Are you Mr. Michael Kyle?
454
00:21:00,693 --> 00:21:02,333
Yes, I am.
Did something happen
to my kids?
455
00:21:02,329 --> 00:21:04,829
No, I'm here investigating
a phone call received
about a woman screaming...
456
00:21:04,864 --> 00:21:05,974
(LAUGHS)
457
00:21:14,674 --> 00:21:15,584
MAN: Okay...
31774
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