Original subtitles

Ooh.

Man. Be strong, Jay. Be strong, be strong.

(HIGH-PITCHED) Eat me!

(NORMAL VOICE) Huh?

(HIGH-PITCHED) Eat me!

(NORMAL VOICE) Come to mama!

Ah-hah!

Michael! Gotcha!

Michael!

Another entry on the Wall o' Shame.

Michael, don't you dare!

Do I put this next to Kady with her foot in the toilet,

or Junior with his thing caught in the zipper?

Zipper!

And why isn't any of your pictures up on the Wall o' Shame?

Because it's my camera, it's my wall,

and it's your shame.

JAY: Hi, baby. Hi, Mom.

Hi, Dad. Hey, how was school?

School was terrific. I love learning.

(EXCLAIMS) Don't you guys look fabulous today!

Dad, you're getting so buff, you're ripping out of your shirt.

(LAUGHS) The answer is no.

No, what?

(LAUGHING) Whatever it is you're about to ask us for.

The answer is no.

It's just a party at Shane's house.

No. You are too young to go to parties.

The only thing there is horny boys, naive girls,

and loud music that make you want to bump nasty.

(EXCLAIMS) Uh-huh.

See, when me and your mother used to go out dancing,

it was a dance that's a dance, like this.

Maybe I could turn her around and see her butt.

But I had to do it quick.

Nowadays, you all start to dance like this...

(IMITATING DANCE BEAT)

And there's nowhere to go after that, except maybe the maternity ward.

Thanks for not trusting me.

You're welcome. It's my job.

(HUMMING)

What'd I do? You're humming.

You're humming. What did I do?

What?

Any time you start the humming, I did something wrong. What?

Okay, you want to know what you did wrong? I'll tell you. Yes.

I think you're being unfair to your daughter.

Honey, I love you. The sex is incredible.

But I disagree.

Honey, it's not a school night. The sex isn't that great.

And how is she ever going to learn to be responsible and mature

if we don't give her a chance to prove it?

Hey, she can do all that when she's married and out of my house.

Oh, Michael! Yeah.

Can I at least go to Erica's house for a sleepover?

Shante is going to be there, too.

No. No. Yes.

Don't you agree, Michael? Yes...

(ENUNCIATING) Yes!

Yes. It's fine with me.

Thank you.

(HUMMING A TUNE)

* Jesus, take this burden off my heart *

(HUMMING)

What? What? What?

It's just a sleepover.

No. It's just a sneakover.

See, she's going to pretend to go to her friend's house,

and then she's going to sneak over to the party.

No. You can't see that?

Erica, you should have seen them.

They totally fell for it.

I did the "Shante is going to be there too" thing.

That was the clincher.

And then my dad goes,

(IMITATING MICHAEL) "You're too young to go to any parties."

I don't think so. Fact of the matter is,

I'll be at a party tonight.

I know. Can you believe our parents?

(LAUGHING) They are so lame!

Hey.

Jay! What?

I just got firsthand conclusive knowledge

that Miss Claire Marie Kyle is actually planning to go to Shane's party tonight.

Really? Mmm-hmm.

Wait! How did you come by this firsthand information?

Well, I was picking up the phone to make a phone call

Uh-huh. and I realized that

she was on the other end, so I patiently waited Yeah.

with the phone to my ear.

In other words, you were eavesdropping.

No, no, no, no. No, no, no, no.

I was monitoring the suspicious activity of a suspected partygoer.

Michael, you know how I feel about spying on the kids. It's wrong.

But Jay, she's in there calling me lame.

You are lame!

You're violating your children's rights.

Look, the only rights my children have is the right to remain silent,

and anything they say to a phone call to their friends

can and will be used against them in my court.

Okay. My children have rights, and I refuse to be a part of this.

Come on, Jay. No.

Outsmarting your children is the only real perk you get at being a parent.

I mean, otherwise, you're just changing diapers, paying bills,

and doing all that nurturing crap.

(LAUGHING)

Fine. But I'm gonna go to that party and I'm gonna bust her.

Go. I'm gonna put a picture of

Miss Perfect right here on the Wall o' Shame.

Get out!

I have to tell you something.

Not now, Kady. I'm busy.

Okay. Don't get mad at me when you get busted.

Wait!

What did you say?

Oh, nothing. You're too busy!

I'm never too busy for my favorite little sister.

(CHUCKLES)

Don't insult my intelligence.

Okay, I'm sorry.

Look, you said something about getting busted?

What did you mean?

Is that licorice?

It sure looks good.

It is good. What do you want?

Look at all these licorice.

How about two?

Call me when you get serious.

Wait. You can have them all!

Info first.

I need a little taste to jog my memory.

It's all coming back to me now.

Daddy

knows about the party and he's going to go and catch you.

Oh, my... How do you know?

A little birdie told me.

Can I have my licorice now?

You get half now, and half when you finish the job.

What job?

I need you to page me when dad leaves the house tonight.

You're on your own.

Wait!

Okay. I just typed in, "Baldy's on his way."

When dad leaves the house tonight, press this button,

and I'll get the message on Erica's pager.

Any questions?

Yeah. Why do you put socks in your bra?

Get out!

Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad. I'm off to Erica's house.

Wait! Hold on.

What about my kiss?

Have fun at the party.

It's not a party, Dad. It's just a gathering at my friend's house.

I meant the slumber party.

You say "potato," I say "p-party."

Okay, Dad.

(CHUCKLING)

Oh, I'm going to bust her, Jay.

And you know why? Why?

Because...

* My girl likes to party all the time

* Party all the time Party all the time *

Hey, where are you going?

I think I'll go take the dog for a walk.

We don't have a dog.

In that case, I think I'll go bust my daughter at her party.

Sure you don't want to come along? It's going to be fun.

No. I trust my children.

Yeah, well I don't.

They're even guilty when they're sleeping.

Watch this. Hey, Junior!

Ahhh! I didn't do it.

I swear, dad, I didn't do it.

Okay I did it. I'm sorry.

I'll go clean it up.

See. Hey, are those butter?

- Yeah. - Gotcha!

...Michael.

Now I'm going to get clair

and put her on the wall of shame.

Excuse me. Where you going?

I have to make tinkle.

Hey. Remember, front to back, front to back.

Good girl.

Hey, Sherlock!

How'd it go?

She wasn't there.

Oh, really?

Who was it that said, "We should trust our children"?

Oh, yeah, I remember. It was me.

Hey, look, just because she wasn't at that party,

(SNAPS FINGERS) doesn't mean she wasn't at that party.

Who are you calling?

Erica's parents.

Can't outslick the slicker, Jay.

Hello, Miss Washington. Yes, this is Michael Kyle.

Is Claire there?

She isn't?

Ah. Okay. Thank you very much.

I told you. I told you.

Hi, Daddy. (GASPS)

What's the matter, Mr. Kyle? Look like you just seen a ghost.

Well, what are you doing here?

I live here, silly.

Well, what about the sleepover?

My house was way too noisy.

Yeah, it was like one big giant party.

(GIRLS GIGGLING)

So we just came over here.

You don't mind, do you, Daddy?

Of course not.

Oh, don't mind us. We're just going to grab a little snack.

(GIRLS GIGGLING)

JAY: Hey, Michael!

Ha!

* Wall o' Shame Wall o' Shame

* Wall o' Shame Wall o' Shame

* Wall o' Shame Wall o' Shame *

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTING)

Michael! Michael! Michael!

Will you stop flopping around?

It's like I'm sleeping with a trout.

Jay, I cannot sleep until I figure out

how this child tricked me.

It's over!

You saw with your own eyes she didn't go to the party.

End of story.

The story ain't over until there's a happy ending,

and right now, I'm very unhappy with this ending.

Why is it so hard to believe Claire didn't go to the party?

Because you didn't hear what I heard, Jay.

To me, it seems like the only person that did something wrong here

is you, Mr. Eavesdropper.

All right, let's talk about that word, "wrong," Jay.

Fine.

Isn't lying wrong?

Of course lying is wrong, Michael.

But who lied? She did.

When I was eavesdropping,

I specifically heard her say,

"I will be at that party."

And then she didn't go.

That is a liar!

That is ridiculous! And you know what else?

I actually think you should apologize to that girl.

What, me? Apologize to one of my... Oh, yes.

You must be crazy.

I'll tell you what I will do.

(SIGHING) I'll do a little more investigating,

get right to the bottom. That's where I'm going, Jay.

To the bottom of this.

Listen to yourself. Just listen to yourself.

You have been proven wrong,

and then, you are relentless

in your pursuit of nothing.

It's my pursuit and I'll pursue nothing if I wanna.

The girl is hurt by it.

Claire won't trust you. She's hurt. I've seen her crying.

She's hurt over it, Michael. Oh, Jay.

She's hurt. That's part of the scam.

The sad face.

(MIMICKING CLAIRE) "Parents are so unfair. They don't trust me."

(MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY)

Baby, you know what I want you to do? Huh?

Seriously. You know what I want you to do? Huh? What?

Turn off the light and get some sleep.

I can't sleep until I get to the bottom of this.

Michael, you have to sleep.

No, I don't!

See, because I'm fuelled right now, Jay.

I'm fuelled by my quest for answers.

And until I figure out how she did this

I will not, no, I shall not...

I shant not...

shut my eyes!

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

Good morning.

Kady, have you seen my pager?

I don't know where it is.

Well, you better find it. I need it.

When you get a chance.

Daddy, would you pass me the pepper?

MICHAEL: Look at her. Over there smiling

because she thinks she outsmarted me.

She couldn't have done it alone.

She had to have help.

But, who?

Was it him?

Nah! He's not smart enough to pull off a job like this.

He's having a hard enough time reading that cereal box.

And what about my darling wife?

She's been on their side from the beginning.

Could she be the double agent?

Would she stoop that low?

(JAY SIGHING)

Oh, don't smile at me, Judas.

I'm onto you.

If only I could read their thoughts

and hear what they're really thinking.

Na-na-na-na-na. You can't catch me!

All 'em licorices!

(CRICKETS CHIRPING)

MICHAEL: Look at my little angel.

She's the only one I can trust.

I remember when Claire was that innocent.

Why do they have to grow up?

Oh, promise me you'll never deceive me when you're older, Kady.

Okay, Daddy. (EXCLAIMS)

Okay, Daddy, read me the funnies.

(SIGHS) I'm sorry, I...

I got really caught up in this article I was reading.

Really? What's it about?

Oh, well, Connecticut is starting this new amnesty program for criminals.

If you confess to a crime before they catch you,

and they will catch you,

they have agreed to reduce your punishment.

Really? I'd like to read that. Mmm-hmm.

What... What page is it on?

Oh, well, um...

I don't quite remember. It might have been in yesterday's paper.

I think it's stupid. Why confess?

Let the law do their job and prove you did it.

If they can.

Oh, they can! And they will!

Whatever. In my opinion,

there's nothing worse than to be falsely accused of a crime you didn't commit.

Hey, Junior,

let's go out to the garage for a second. I want to show you something.

Show me what?

I bought you a boat. Really?

There's no boat out here.

Don't play dumb with me, kid.

I'm not playing.

(BANGS TABLE) I can't argue with that.

But this is how this works, Junior.

You give me something and I'll give you something.

What do you want? I want answers!

See, I know you're guilty.

You work with me now,

(TAPPING ON TABLE)

I'll go easy on you later.

What do you want to know?

I want to know

what did you do the other night when I left the house?

Okay, okay, okay. I'll tell you.

I accidentally ordered Star Whores on pay-per-view.

Accidentally?

Yeah. See, I meant to order I Know Who You Did Last Summer.

And then, what did you do?

Well, I skimmed over the first three minutes,

then I fell asleep.

You just fell asleep? It wasn't good enough, huh?

No, it was good, but,

I mean, after three minutes, I was exhausted.

And what about Claire?

Well, Claire wasn't in the three minutes I saw.

No. Why did you tip her off that I was coming to that party?

Dad, what are you talking about?

I'd love to see Claire get busted.

It would take the heat off me.

In fact, if you want me to say she did something,

I'd be happy to lie for you.

Well, if it wasn't him,

that leaves...

(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)

I'm rich! I'm rich!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

MICHAEL: Kady.

Just a minute. I'm not decent. Hold on.

Come in.

What are you doing?

Nothing, Daddy.

Are you eating licorice?

No, Daddy.

Is it good? Yes, Daddy.

Why don't you go brush what's left of your teeth?

Okay, Daddy.

Still skulking around, huh?

Have you found one shred of evidence?

Found licorice.

Not one thing to tie Claire to that party.

Well, no.

Yeah. Give me the candy.

Give me the candy, Michael. It's over. You're off the case.

Turn in your badge. It's over.

That's it, Michael. It stops here.

(PAGER BEEPING)

What's that?

Oh, Claire's pager.

She's been looking for it all over the place.

Yeah, and it's sticky.

That explains where Kady got all that licorice from.

Uh-huh. Look at this.

Don't tell me you're reading her personal messages?

Oh, yeah. It's from Erica.

It says, "Oh, my God!

"What a cool party!

"Too bad your dad had to come ruin it for us.

"He is so lame."

Okay. Well, I still think it's wrong that we're doing this.

Maybe you want to read the rest of that message.

(CLICKS TONGUE)

(SIGHING)

"P.S. Your mom sure has put on a few pounds!"

Oh, it's on, now.

MICHAEL: What's happening, ladies?

Nothing, Dad.

Oh, hi, Mrs. Kyle.

You look great.

Did you just get your new fall wardrobe?

Yes, Erica. And you're going to get yours.

(PAGER BEEPING)

Oh, it's mine!

Oh, my God! Check this out.

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

Hey, hey, hey! Where you all going?

Oh, nothing. My mom wants us to pick up some milk.

Excuse us.

(GIRLS GIGGLING)

(ALL CHATTERING EXCITEDLY)

Okay. I just got this page.

There's a surprise party for Justin Timberlake

tonight and we're all invited.

(ALL SCREAM)

ALL: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

I'm so there! Me too!

Let's do it! Okay.

But the only way to get in is we have to use the password.

What's the password?

"Walla." What does that mean?

It's French for "Here it is."

You know, when the chef's done cooking, he says, "Walla!"

Duh!

ERICA: Oh, my God! I'm so excited!

I know! This is it!

Oh, my God! I'm so excited!

I can't believe how easy it was to get in.

Where are all the people?

Duh! It's a surprise party.

They have to keep it on the DL.

Now, come on. Do I look okay?

Yeah. Do I?

Yeah, yeah. Do I?

Okay. Let's do it!

(ALL EXCLAIMING) Let's go!

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

MICHAEL: What's the password?

ALL: Walla!

MICHAEL: I can't hear you.

ALL: Walla!

One more time, please.

ALL: Walla!

That's right.

Wall o' shame!

(LAUGHING)

Oh, that looks great right there.

But I'm thinking about blowing it up poster-size

and then putting it on the front door.

Polished your shoes.

What about my bath?

Yes, 95 degrees with baby oil and lemon-scented candles, just like you asked.

Mom, I organized your closet and ironed all of your blouses.

Light starch? Yes!

Yes.

When is my punishment over?

(LAUGHING) Whenever you bring us

an apple off the apple tree.

We don't have an apple tree.

We will when you finish planting one.

(JAY LAUGHING)

Who helped you?

I'll never tell.

(EXCLAIMING) Mine! Mine!

(LAUGHING) Mine!

Mine!

Dad! Shoulders.

Pain! Oh, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. I was just trying to work out some of these knots.

MICHAEL: Hmm.

Why is this shoulder so tense?

Is it because that's where he carries his guilt?

Or is it simply because he's carrying that enormous head?