Original subtitles

(dog barks)

(clock ticks)

- I said I wouldn't see you. - So I heard.

Would you like to talk about it?

No.

(sighs)

These people who are making the show about you...?

Yeah?

How do you know exactly they are making a show about you?

Well, you just know things.

But they didn't tell you?

Oh, they don't have to tell me.

- Did they leave clues? - Well, yes.

I mean, well, this office, for instance.

If it was a real psychiatrist's office there

would be a couch that you could stretch out on,

but it's low budget, so there's just a chair.

It's low budget?

Well, what do you think you're doing in it?

I don't know. What? What? You tell me.

Well... spoiler alert,

at the end of this episode, you lose your mind.

Why? (anxious laugh)

Why? Why would I... lose... my... my mind?

I mean, I didn't write this shit.

That's not the way I see it going.

Sorry.

You need to contact me on a weekly basis.

Well, I'm gonna do my best to fit you in,

but I've got a pretty crazy schedule...

when I say crazy.

The alternative is jail time.

Jail time? Why, what have you done?

(snap & squeaks)

Have you got mice in here?

(squeaks)

And if you impersonate a real estate agent again or

put lipstick on a baby, or lock a yoga instructor in

a port-a-potty, or send two deadly snakes to

your parole officer in the mail...

You're taking your part way too seriously,

you know that?

Just because you're playing a parole officer doesn't mean

you have to act like the cliche of one.

Hey, Lady... maybe you want to go jail.

Oh, that's not how this is gonna go.

No? How's it gonna go, then?

And by the way, it was three snakes.

- What? - Don't worry.

We're gonna cut to another location.

Three?

? (sombre piano) ?

(British accent) So, what's your bid, dear?

My bid?

Get the fuck out of here.

?

That's more like it.

What is?

I don't want to go into a home.

Who does?

I just don't get it.

Neither do I.

?

What don't we get?

Well, is that how this thing ends,

eating shepherd's pie and playing darts?

Maybe.

Well, then, why are they shooting this if that's it?

Well, maybe they ran out of ideas.

I'm not going into a home; that's not an interesting story.

That's just a sad fucking story about a sad fucking lady

just sitting looking out a window.

Yeah.

We gotta make our own.

We gotta get out there and make our own story.

Yeah!

Hey, lady!

Let's go find some champagne.

(glass clinks)

Oh. Hey, what's your hurry?

(laughs) Thank you.

?

Stefan?

- Yes? - Ah...

I think I'm gonna get this one.

Oh? You want this one, too, hm?

Yeah. I mean, it's kind of ugly,

but I guess that's why they call it art, right?

You know, you look at something and you have to

ask yourself, did somebody just barf on a cardboard box?

But, no, it's hanging on a wall and it has

a price tag on it for five grand.

(clears throat)

Do you have a credit card I can put these on?

Oh, don't worry about a credit card.

Everybody's always so worried about a credit card

as if that's the only thing that matters in life.

Hey, Lady...

I have to ask, you know, hm...

Are you really buying this?

I have to ask you: Are you really an art gallery owner?

Because you gotta wonder, weren't you the manager at

some golf club at some point...?

And not a very convincing one, I might add.

Did somebody in fart in here?

- Uh-oh. - Oh, that was me.

- (laughs) - Okay...

What is going on here, please?

(laughs) We're just having fun with you!

(laughs)

No, actually, I am an art reviewer,

and I have to say, you really have

quite the collection here.

Reviewer? Who are you with?

I'm with her.

Uh-huh? And you are...?

I'm me, you fuck.

I mean, who is anybody when it comes right down to it?

Who?

I am the owner of this gallery.

Okay?

What gallery?

And, just like that, you're somewhere else?

Yeah, you gotta wonder who green lit this thing.

So, you, you just cut from location to location?

Well, it's all in the editing.

Right.

But wait, this is real, isn't it? Right here, now?

You and me here, this is-- we're not...?

This-- or is this show? What are we doing?

Is this...? A scene?

Not for long.

(clock ticks)

(clears throat)

(birds chirping)

Why this park? I hate this fucking park.

Hey, lady, you got a light?

I got better than a light. I got an idea:

go fuck yourself, why don't you?

You go fuck yourself.

And don't you, "Hey, Lady," me.

Don't "Hey, Lady!" me.

This isn't just anybody sitting here, you know?

This is somebody they're making a show about.

And don't ask me why.

Ask them. I'm just in it.

(birds chirping)

Just keep the camera rolling.

Is the camera still rolling?

Keep the camera rolling! Keep it rolling!

(birds chirping)

Radio announcement: (radio feedback)

There will be a meeting this afternoon in the main lounge

for adults interested in signing up for aquafit.

Today at 2:30 instead of 2:00

and, if you haven't yet, please sign up on the

sign-in sheet in the dining room...

(indistinct speaking)

(birds chirping)

?

?

? HEY LADY! ?

?

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