Original subtitles

(dog barks)

(clock ticks)

(sighs)

(clock ticks)

Talk to me about something. Anything.

- Must I? - That's what I'm here for.

Alright, you're a very ugly man.

- Well, that's not very nice. - Tell me about it.

I'm the one that has to look at you.

Is that why you became a shrink,

because you couldn't deal with your ugly, sad,

little bug-eyed life, so you thought maybe

you could bury your misery in the hideous lives of others?

Why don't we talk about you?

Well, I'm not that interesting and

I'm certainly not that ugly.

Well, you're interesting enough that someone's

making a show about you, so your son tells me.

Well, my son's insane.

He says you think you're in some kind of TV show.

It's not a TV show. It's just a show,

and it's not a very good show.

Oh, no?

Well, you're in it for starters,

with that phony voice and those fake glasses.

Talk to me about these fake glasses.

Talk to props.

(clears throat) Who's making this show?

People. I can't talk about it.

I'm not that happy with their work, to be honest.

And does it air on a network?

Oh, you know what fucking networks are like.

No, it's an independent production.

I don't ask too many questions.

I just do my thing, and then when I get tired of

doing that thing, I just cut to another thing.

That's the beauty of it.

What if, instead of just cutting to another thing,

you stayed with something?

What, like this?

Well, like hobby, some kind of past time.

Aquafit, bridge, you golf.

Why, you wanna see a hole in one?

I've seen enough. Thank you.

You got a phobia? Talk to me.

You need to get out more. You need to...

I need to get out 'a here, for starters.

Can we just cut to another scene?

- What if-- - (man coughs)

Not this fucking scene.

Hey, lady.

Get me out ' a here.

- Ah, that's better. - Yeah.

Oh, nice swing.

You look good in those pants, honey.

Hey, lady, I'm trying to tee off here, if you don't mind.

Yeah, we mind.

Are you members here, by any chance?

This is part of my psychotherapy.

Yeah, so hit the fucking ball.

Yeah, we don't have all day.

Do we look like we have all day?

We gotta get to aquafit.

Aquafit, you fucking donut.

Whoa! Nice shot. Good luck finding that ball.

Who taught you how to play, Ray Charles?

(laughs)

Oh! Too bad. Oh my goodness.

Whoa!

Well, have fun in the sand trap.

Rosie: Thanks.

Lady: I wasn't talking to you, honey.

Golfer: Let's go.

- Guys used to notice us. - Yeah.

I used to be the belle of the ball.

Yeah...

(sighs ) Ah, fuck this!

Yeah. What are we doing here anyhow?

Are we gonna play? I hate golf.

No! We're gonna have a lovely lunch at the clubhouse and

it's on my daughter. Isn't that sweet?

I thought she hated you?

Oh, she will when she gets the cheque.

- (laughs) - Cheers.

- (bottles clink) - Yeah.

- Oh... - Hm?

(cheers & laughs)

- Yoohoo! - Yeah, oh!

Want some more, lady? Okay, there you go.

Whoa! Ooh! (indistinct shouts)

(cackles)

I love you, Rosie! You're my best friend!

(indistinct speaking)

Oh, yeah, I wish I was. Very nice!

It beats golfing. (laughs)

Oh, hey, fine thank you. Just get me another bottle of

whatever the fuck that was, okay.

I'm not a waitress. I'm your daughter.

- Oh, god. - Oh, it's Lassie.

Oh, what do you know?

- Lassie? Like the dog? - Yes, it's me.

I just said that.

What are you doing here? Aren't you a lawyer?

Don't you have anybody to throw in jail?

What do you think I'm doing here?

I got a call from the manager.

Apparently, you poured a bowl of soup over his head.

Well, in my defense, it wasn't very good soup.

- It was cold. - It was gazpacho.

- "Ga" what? - (laughs)

Eh, it's no smoking here, s'il vous plait.

- Huh? S'il vous plait? - Oh... ho-ho-ho.

I can see your cajones in those pants, senor.

(snickers)

I have asked them not to call the police,

since I don't want to cause an even bigger scene.

The manager has been kind enough and sensible enough

not to press charges,

but he would like you to leave the clubhouse.

So, if you don't come with me, now,

I take no further responsibility for you.

Okay. And who took responsibility for you

for 25 fucking years?

- Who put you through college? - I did.

She kicked me out when I was 15.

Should 'a kicked you out in the first trimester.

I want that suit dry cleaned!

Relax. I am dealing with this.

S'il vous plait.

Ah, I haven't seen the dessert menu.

They are not serving you anything more.

You're being asked to leave!

Come with me or don't, it's up to you.

Oh...

Well, you know what, Rosie, I think we'll leave.

Mhm... With our dignity intact.

- Exactly. - (grunts)

(cackles)

Thank you.

- You just send me a bill. - I'll send you the bill.

Are you enjoying your dinner?

- (crash) - (cackles)

And, what do you think you're acting out with

all this bad behaviour?

I'm not really acting. I'm just being myself.

- You're the one who's acting. - Oh, am I?

Yes, you're playing the part of the psychiatrist.

And not very well, I have to say.

And this, ah, psychiatrist I'm playing,

what's his next line?

Well, you ought 'a know. It's your line.

And one thing's for sure:

you'll be saying it in that phony actor's voice.

Oh, so this isn't my real voice?

It isn't anybody's, but I guess a shitty second rate

actor's all they could afford on this show.

Everything's pretty low budget,

but they're very short episodes, thank god.

How short?

(snaps)

?

?

? HEY LADY! ?

?

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