Original subtitles

(dog barks)

Yeah, I'm grounded.

The lipstick episode; I have to stay in.

Is that even legal?

Can they even do that, the bastards?

Well, actually, I'm not that worried about it

'cause it's my show and I can just cut to

another scene whenever I want.

At the moment, I'm waiting for the plumber.

I'm not waiting for anything.

(doorbell)

Oh, there's the door. I gotta go.

Okay.

(groans)

? (classical) ?

(laughs)

Exactly how I pictured you.

Of course, I saw your picture in the ad.

- Come on in. - Okay.

- So, you're a plumber? - Yes, ma'am.

Yeah, I bet you've done some plumbing.

Ha-ha! Just look at you.

Just look!

Ugh!

Hey, lady, why would you do that?

I'm sorry. I'm an old lady.

I just, I do strange things sometimes.

Life punches you hard enough and sometimes

you just want to punch back.

Hm...

? (classical) ?

We're having a nice fish.

What's nice about it; I hate fish.

Not if it's free, you don't.

You know, there was a time when I was gonna push you

in the river and make it look like a terrible accident.

I only didn't because of my sense of humanity.

After all, you were bringing in a baby bonus.

Plus, I really was a good mother at heart.

There was only one of my children I didn't love.

Me?

Lassie, if you must know the truth.

(whispers) Who doesn't love one of their own children?

Who gives their children dog's names?

She had a dangerous look, like a serial killer.

What's wrong with these taps?

- Why? Aren't they working? - There's no hot water.

Maybe you should call the plumber.

Hold on. I think somebody already has.

There is a plumbing bill for... $300!

Would you happen to know anything about this, mom?

You said you had some plumbing you needed looking at.

Yeah, some older plumbing,

but it still works, if you get my drift.

I just need you to get in there and root around a little,

if you follow my meaning?

- Can you just show me? - Oh, yeah, I'll show you.

But in the meantime, I would just like you to switch

the hot tap to cold, and the cold tap to hot.

- Why? - It's due to dyslexia.

- Dyslexia? - Yeah.

I mean, look what happens when I put my robe on.

- It is on. - It is?

- Yeah. - Oh...

Hey, lady!

What's going on here?

Somebody must have switched those taps.

Who would do such a thing?

Honey, try the other tap.

I'd be careful of those taps, if I were you.

- (Molly screams) - Oh, god. Er...

(Molly groans)

Got no sense of humour, those two.

No, they got no sense of anything.

Sheesh... Oh, look at this.

(laughs) Wow, oh my...

Uh-oh! Oh, you better go get that one, honey.

Come here. Give 'em to me.

Yeah. Okay, come here.

Come on, come on. Yeah.

If there's anything she knows about, it's dogs, honey.

That's right. I could 'a raised dogs.

Come here, babies.

But no, I had to have kids instead.

- Ungrateful fucking kids. - Yeah, they got no loyalty.

At least dogs have loyalty, not some mutt with a fucking

shih tzu of a wife running around trying

to tell you how to behave.

Dogs don't tell you how to behave.

No, and there's a lot less shit to clean up after,

let me tell you.

Hey, guys?

Why's he got you on a leash? Come here.

Doesn't he know you got minds of your own and places to be?

- All those trees to piss on? - Yeah!

So... go! Have fun!

- There you go. - (laughs) Have a good day.

- Freedom, baby! - Freedom! (laughs)

Oh, sweetie. You better get control of those dogs.

You gotta be the alpha, just saying.

This is not an off-leash area.

No, no, you can't talk.

They can't afford another speaking part, sorry.

Ah...

I should 'a had dogs.

(dogs bark)

(muffled TV program)

(door opens) Mom!

You switched the taps?

It's not her fault, Rover. Her mind is going.

- Blame the plumber. - This is the end, mom.

This is the last and final straw!

Well, not really. It's only the second episode.

- What are you talking about? - Who knows.

Maybe we'll find out in the next episode.

Anybody want some lemonade?

Lemonade? Jesus fuck!

Cut.

?

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? HEY LADY! ?

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