Original subtitles

(dog barks)

Radio: Good morning, everybody. For the weather,

today, we're looking at a beautiful sunny day.

Lady: Time to put some lipstick on a pig.

...be a bit of a scorcher today with temperatures

around 28 degrees for a high this afternoon.

But with that humidex, it'll be closer to 40.

Don't just sit there. Cut to a scene in the park.

Not this park. I hate this fucking park.

It's an old people's park. I hate old people.

What are you looking at? Are you looking at my tits?

You, you don't have any tits.

That's because life sucked me dry, you blow job.

Let's try another park. I hate this park.

Ah, that's better. This is a nice park.

It's a park where all the smart people are.

Everybody on their cell phones, looking busy.

Yeah. Here you go.

Why don't you just sit here beside an old lady?

There's lots of room.

Thank you. It's so hot out.

Isn't it? Oh my goodness.

Too hot for wandering around.

Too hot for a mom to be pushing her kid all over the place

while she's gotta deal with important personal matters.

Oh, what a cute baby. I betcha his name is Charlie.

- What? No, it's Celia. - Oh, Celia.

Well, now, that's a cute name.

Yeah, I named all my kids rotten names.

But that's because I was heavily drugged at the time,

you know, and they all look like little monsters to me.

So, I named them after monsters.

My youngest, Godzilla, got the worst of it.

I'm kidding. I'm only kidding!

Nobody got named Godzilla. Ha-ha!

I named them all after dogs I had as a kid.

Now, why would you name a boy Celia?

Do you think he's transgender?

- She's a girl. - Oh!

That makes all the difference.

That changes everything. A girl.

Hello, little Celia. Celia...

Kind of makes me think of a disease of the small intestine,

but you know, in a nice way.

Aren't you just the cutest thing?

You could use a little texture in your hair,

but other than that, you know...

Aw, look at her, so adorable and innocent,

before all the growing up starts,

all the... disappointment.

That afternoon she calls you a stupid bitch and

slams out the front door wearing cut offs that

make her look like a crack whore.

Oh, you poor thing. You know what;

maybe just a little itty bitty bitty lipstick.

Here we go. Just a little bit--

- (Celia cries) - Hey Lady!

(dog barks in distance)

Why did we cut to this scene?

We all know how this scene goes.

Who is she talking to?

We're not gonna do this again, mom.

We are not gonna pick you up from the police station.

- Good. - Yeah, it is good.

You know, you can spend the rest of your life locked in

a mental ward, chained to the floor.

I'm changing my will.

I'm not leaving you a fucking dime.

- Mom... - You haven't got a dime, mom.

Well, I'll tell you what I do have: dirt, on both of you.

Why can't you just be a normal old lady?

That woman is thinking of pressing charges.

You put lipstick on her baby!

It was just a light application.

Anyway, I'm done with it now. You can have it back.

- Have what back, mom? - Here, Rover, catch.

I found it in your suit pocket.

You did? That's not mine.

- No? - Where did you get that?

Ah--

Okay, you can cut to the next scene now.

(laughs)

That's good.

(laughs) Oh, god. Oh, god.

That'll shut him up for a while.

Yeah.

(laughs)

What do you think of this colour?

What do you think?

Why doesn't this cigarette stop moving?

I think next time I'm gonna steal a lighter shade.

Why the hell not, yeah. (mumbles) Come on.

I've gotta, gotta do something.

- Gotta. - Mhm.

It ain't over till it's over, baby.

It ain't over. What is it?

This show.

Did you know they're making a show about me?

Who is?

Well, I can't get into the specifics.

- Well, who's in it? - Ah, me. And you.

- You're in it too. - Oh?

This is a scene we're having right now.

- Excellent. - Mhm.

It's about a nasty old lady who does shit.

- It's called Hey Lady! - Well, when's it on?

Now. Actually, it's over.

- This is the last scene. - Can I have the last line?

No, because now it's fading to black...

?

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? HEY... LADY! ?

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