Original subtitles

Fuck, this fuckin' fly.

Quit! You're gonna unstick your cheek flaps.

Oh, this face. It's so fucking annoying.

The more you wear it, the more natural it'll feel.

You must become Chad Powers.

What does that even mean?

For you, right now, it means stop being Russ.

What's wrong with Russ?

Russ has a lower Q Score than Bin Laden.

-You know he's still alive. -I don't care.

Oh, here comes your guy.

Remember, the more you talk, the more trouble you create for us.

-Be chill. -You fucking be chill.

Is Chad chill?

Hey, Dylan.

-What's up? -Uh...

-The fuck? -Thanks for helping us out.

-You send the Bitcoin? -Yeah, bitch.

Uploaded to the block chain, Morpheus style.

Um, all the personal info's in there for the ID stuff.

And you want dead ends on the football career, right?

Very dead. Nothing traceable.

Gotta have a home address.

Um...

Chad's staying with me right now.

Yeah.

Dude.

There's a fuckin' fly coming out of your face.

What? Is there a fly on my face?

-N-Not on your face, it's in your face. -What? It's in my face?

Okay. Okay. Hey, Danny, can you get the fly off my face?

Chad's a chill guy, remember?

I got it. Just take...

-Maybe get the fly off my face. -What the fuck?

Okay, I feel, I f... I-Is it, is it burrowing?

-Oh, my God. -It's fine. It's fine. He's fine. No, no.

I feel, I feel it burrowing. Ho... Oh, my God.

-What the fuck?! -It's fucking laying eggs.

He's fingering his own face! Oh, my fucking God.

-Are you a bug man? -Get outta my face.

-Get it outta... Oh, my God. Oh, my God. -Oh, my fucking God! Are you a bug man?

Oh, my God, oh, my God.

-Is it comin' out?! Is it comin' out... -Just please chill!

Oh, my fucking God, are you a bug man?!

I'm not a fucking bug man!

-Are you a bug man?! -I'm not a fucking bug man!

Gonna get at it today, boys!

-Yes, sir! -I'm hungry.

I wanna eat. Y'all wanna eat?

-Yes, sir! -Love it.

-Coach, here's your AM snack. -What? Oh. It's, like, sauce less.

Don't they make, like, a, a health ketchup sort of thing?

Sodium, Coach.

Exaggerate that elbow. Get it up.

It's Chad, right?

-Who are you? -I'm Gerry Dugan.

I was scout team, then I was backup.

Then I was scout team again.

Then I was backup again.

It's wild, right?

So, what... You're... You're a backup QB?

I'm just walking the path God lays before me, brother.

Wow. Oh, your hands are really sweaty.

I get here about an hour or two before practice to run sprints.

As, as, as punishment?

As a privilege. We're frickin' Catfish.

Come on. Let's go be bonded as men forever.

That's Nishan Leonard. He's our star receiver.

Why is he looking at me so mean?

Well, he thinks it's ridiculous you could be throwing to him.

He said, uh, oh, he's a Ferrari and you're '87.

-As in the lowest gas? -He likes me, though.

Yo, Gerry!

-That's our, uh, secret handshake. -That's a pussy symbol.

Uh, he's saying I get a ton of action. I love it.

Hey, Chad.

-Hey, Coach. -How you doing? Good?

-Good. -Hey, Gerry, you wanna give us a second?

Yes, sir.

So, uh, I was going over your transcript.

Says that you were home-schooled in West Virginia?

Mm-hm.•

You ever play in front of a crowd?

Well, that, that depended.

On what?

The wolves.

Wolves.

There were a lot of wild wolves in our area, and...

sometimes they'd carry off the babes.

So, in feeding season, folks might not show up for the games

for fear of having their babes carried off.

Huh. Wow.

That's why it depended.

Well, I don't see any wild wolves out here, so.

-Oh. -Let's see what you got.

-I know. What a relief. -Yeah.

Alright, everybody! Going right with teams!

Let's go, let's go!

Jesus Christ.

-On one. -Break!

Let's right longhorn on one, ready?

Wide 80 set.

The fuck was that, man? Chad!

-Next time! -Next time, my ass.

Run a corner route, bitch.

Great effort, Chad. He's with you.

Gerry, you're up!

Gerry?

I'm so... G-Gerry's going in?

I thought Gerry was the backup.

Yeah, y'all rotating ones. Let's go.

Oh, what?

I'm-I'm... I think I'm confused.

Hey, "Flowers for Algernon," this is when you take the fucking clipboard

and get off the field. Let's go.

O-kay.

Alright. Fucking biscuits and mustard.

Why are you acting like that?

Like what?

Like you just lost the national championship.

Oh, I... I don't know.

Wh... So-So, what, so what's the deal with Gerry?

Coach Hudson loves a little QB competition.

Thinks it'll bring out the best in both of you.

-So, I'm not the starter? -Are you the starting quarterback

less than a week after walking onto the team?

No, you are not.

No, no, that's right. That-That'd be crazy.

I'm not crazy. I'm not a loon, just...

Very normal person thing to say.

I'm just... me. I'm just normal. Normal Chad.

Keep saying it.

Normal Chad.

Hell yeah, man, good shit.

Hey.

W-Wash 'em good.

The fuck?

Chad?

Personal hygiene isn't just something we do for ourselves.

It's part of participating in a society.

I can't shower, Coach.

Why not?

I have a disorder.

My pee hole, it's really big. It's far too big.

And, and, uh, if water gets up in there, I could, I could fall ill.

Via my pee hole.

Chad?

Yeah?

Great players don't just lead on the field.

I wish I could be in there, Coach.

I know you wish you could be in there too.

I don't wish that.

-But you couldn't have. -No shit.

'Cause of Sandusky?

Chad, this week of practices, I'll be evaluating you and Gerry

to determine who our starter is.

I need to see you step it up.

By showering with my teammates?

Try to decouple what I'm saying from the showers.

-Yes, sir. I'm sorry. -Okay. Okay.

Tomorrow is my annual barbecue for the offense.

Now, that's a great chance for you to show up

and be a leader off the field.

-Be a leader. I can do that. -Alright.

-Okay. -It's at my lake house.

Did you say lake house?

Yeah.

Sounds...

-aquatic. -Yep.

So, I guess, you know, tape your pee hole.

Water will obviously ruin the prosthetic.

Chad must fear the elements.

Do you know how hard it is to avoid water?

It's like a mostly liquid world.

Your sleeping area certainly is, with all those knocked-over bottles.

Okay, you're the one who asked me to stay here.

I offered, temporarily.

Well, it'll definitely be temporary.

These fucking throw pillows feel like seat cushions.

They are seat cushions.

-Why do you not have throw pillows? -Because I'm poor.

I don't see how this is my problem.

Okay, I have the pee hole thing, and whatever you said about wolves.

Any more brilliant improv?

The wolf thing was dope. I mean, as I was saying it,

I was like, "Fuck, this could be a movie."

Okay, you realize this is all now part of the Chad Powers canon?

These are the authentic facts

of an increasingly weird fucking life.

What do you want from me?

Talk less. Invent less.

I'm gonna talk. I gotta talk because I gotta go to this barbecue

and I gotta make this other quarterback, Gerry, eat my shit.

Okay, no, the character we built for Chad

is sweet, possibly inbred folk hero.

He wouldn't make Gerry eat shit.

He would be his teammate and friend.

Coach told me he wanted me to feed Gerry my shit.

He said that?

I mean, I'm paraphrasing, he was...

Said he wanted me to act like a leader.

So, be a humble, quiet leader.

That is some backup quarterback bullshit.

I'm trying to help you.

I don't want to do all this shit

just so I can hold a clipboard for fuckin' Gerry.

This whole thing would be pointless.

No, what would be pointless is getting busted

because you can't turn off Russ when you turn on Chad.

Do you hear that?

The pillows are crunchy.

Fucking crunchy, crunchy fucking pillows.

Well, look on the bright side.

If you blow it at the barbecue,

you can go back to sleeping in your dad's garage.

So fuckin' mean.

What am I supposed to say, Wendy?

-Huh? -Jake, I'm sorry,

-I can't deal with this today. -No, people expect the coach's wife

to be at this sort of thing.

-I'm sorry I can't... -Okay. Yeah. Okay, fine. Love you.

-Everything okay, Jake? -Yeah, yeah.

I'm just, uh, I don't know, chewing on this whole QB decision.

Mm-hm, mm-hm. And what's that tasting like?

Um, you know, Powers' got the arm of a 22nd-century rail gun.

We can't count out Gerry. I mean, he's r-reliable.

Yeah, I trust him, you know. You know what he's capable of.

It ain't much, but...

And then, Chad, you know, mechanics are promising,

but can he read a playbook?

Bro, I don't know if he can read.

So, we got two good choices, right?

Won't the boosters have a POV on who starts?

Oh, I don't work for the boosters, sweetheart.

Boosters work for me.

Hi, Coach.

Tricia.

Uh, this is a team gathering.

Oh, and I'm part of the team.

Could I get some help bringing in Boo Radley's air-conditioned bed?

Boo Radley?

-My dalmatian, remember? -No.

'Member, Wendy saw that picture of me once,

called me Cruella de Vil, which I took no offense to.

Where is your lovely wife, by the way?

Uh, she's not coming. Her sister's sick.

Oh! Oh, that's awful. Sickness is a terrible thing.

I myself know many who are sick,

so now I'll just count your sister-in-law among 'em.

I will.

Yeah, so could someone help me bringing in Boo Radley?

Oh, yeah. Uh, Byrd, Dobbs, you heard the woman.

Oh, yeah.

And then y'all can think to tell me who we're startin' week one,

'cause I have some ideas.

Oh.

I love these shorts on you.

Um, see you later.

Why? Where, where are you going?

Everybody's just gettin' here.

I'm gonna fake an entrance.

I-I don't want people to know I live with my dad,

-who's also my boss, so. -Uh...

Also, don't say "sweetheart" in front of the guys, please.

Yeah.

Hon, the mantle, it's...

Looks like I killed the family.

♪ There's something women like about a pick-up man ♪

Hey, teammates. Hey, teammates.

It's football time.

Did you just come from the woods?

We all come from the woods, when you think about it.

What?

I don't know, you just say stuff funny sometimes.

Like, like the Joker?

Not at all like the Joker, no.

How you feeling about the QB competition?

Oh, I just want to be Gerry's teammate.

Friend.

I'd want him to eat shit.

Only if we ate it together, at a team dinner.

Well, he's got you smoked on endurance.

He knows every single inch of the playbook.

Your arm's a Howitzer, which is cool, but it's not everything.

Ultimately, it's gonna come down to intangibles.

Who would you pick?

Oh. I just fill the coolers.

Make room for the quarterback!

-Okay. -Room!

My head almost hit the bottom!

Oh, if it isn't Chad Daddy.

I'ma just be real with you, man.

That practice was sort of ass.

-Ass. -Straight booty cheeks.

I appreciate the constructive criticism.

-Well, you damn... -I love that.

-Chad, you're such a great teammate. -Man, shut the fuck up, Gerry.

-For sure. -Be nice to Gerry, he's my,

he's my teammate, and friend.

Oh, wait, so y'all are boys?

No, we're, we're men. But we're, like, boys together.

Whoa, hold on, did I hear y'all are men that like boys together?

Yeah!

No. I hate boys.

Okay, well, uh, I don't care what freaky shit you do.

What I do know, one of y'all better gimme that thousand-yard season.

I do know that.

At least Gerry's not afraid of water.

That is true. I'm basically a catfish myself.

Well, yeah, I'm not, I'm not, you know, I'm not afraid of water.

You sure? Come on and hop in the water then, brother.

-What you waiting on? -I, I didn't bring a swimsuit.

"I didn't bring a swimsuit."

-Hop your Shrek ass in the pool, man. -Yeah, shit, what are you, a gremlin?

He's a straight up... boom!

Straight up bona fide.

Showed up to the pool with a sleeve on, come on now.

-Got on jorts. -He gon' cry in the car.

Oh, where you going?

Boom.

What the fuck?

Oh, shit.

What the fuck? Hey, hey!

-Hey, stop. -No, no, no, no, Boo Radley. No, sir.

No, that is no way to treat the famous Chad Powers.

He just... He thinks you're a rubber chew toy.

Oh.

I'm, I'm n... I'm... I'm not rubber.

I'm a man... made of flesh.

Oh, you certainly are. And I'm, I'm Tricia Yeager.

-Oh. -I'm-I'm, I'm chair of the booster trust.

So, listen, Chad, now that I got you,

my people are having a duck-fuck of a time

finding old highlights of you.

Oh. Oh, you, you need those?

Well, well, yeah, we need those!

I mean, you wind up being the guy, which I, I hope you are,

we need a media roll out, don't we?

Get your name, image, likeness out there.

But you, you are just scrub-a-dub-dub from the web like,

like Hillary's emails.

Mm.

Well, we didn't have internet in my...

hollow.

Oh.

Oh!

-Okay. Okay. -Come on, Boo. No. No.

No, Boo Boo. Well, we can make do with hard copies.

Well, we were on the oral tradition.

We just gathered at the end of the day.

-We talked about our highlights. -Uh-huh.

Okay, so this is where you learned organized football?

Mm-hm.

It's a highly technical game, Chad.

You can't just learn it in the streets like, like fútbol.

Oh, Miss Tricia. I just, I just remembered.

I'm not supposed to be alone in a room with a woman.

What?

It's contaminating my, my purities, uh...

-The elders would frown upon it. -Oh, boy.

Well, I'll just see you outside then at the Coach's big water balloon war.

Let's go, Mr. Radley.

Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be!

Fish!

Let's! Get! Wet!

-Oh, look at that. -Ooh!

Do y'all think that Chad has a touch of the "seeti"?

"Seeti"?

CTE?

Hey, you guys, let's all throw together!

Let's go!

Oh, I see you, Chad!

-Woo, go Gerry! -Okay, guys!

Again, on my mark!

One, two...

Fuck it.

♪ You got the touch ♪

♪ You got the power ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ After all is said and done ♪

♪ You've never walked, you've never run ♪

♪ You're a winner ♪

♪ You're at your best when the going gets rough ♪

♪ You've been put to the test, but it's never enough ♪

♪ You got the touch ♪

-♪ You got the power ♪ -Yeah!

Hold my clipboard, bitch!

♪ You got the heart ♪

♪ You've got the motion ♪

Where you goin', man?

Oh, he's definitely got the "seeti."

It's all good.

Just push it out.

Just squeeze it out. Oh, f-fuck.

Goddamn it.

Ugh, gross.

Hey, Chad?

Yeah?

Coach Hudson wants to see you, whenever, whenever you're done.

I wasn't, I wasn't... I wasn't shitting.

I didn't think you were... Until now.

Oh, I just thought... I thought I saw you doing a little sniff.

I was just breathing.

Oh.

He's out on the dock.

Okay.

Hey, y'all. Pardon.

Chad.

-Hey, Coach. -How's the pee hole?

Deep and wide, like the love of the Lord.

Go ahead and have a seat.

You know, last year, I was in the tape room late,

and I had a, I had a, a real scare with my ticker.

And, uh, I went to the doctor and he told me

that I had to take better care of myself.

Actually, he told me before that.

A while before that, but whatever.

But, um, do you know what caused that?

COVID-19 vaccine?

No.

At least, I don't think so.

But no, it was, it was fear.

The fear of letting down an entire fan base.

Everybody blaming me. Yeah.

Like...

I can see that you have the arm

of a Yugoslav mortar launcher.

But I can also see... fear.

Yeah, I hung, I hung back at the, the, the balloon war initially,

-just to... -Fear's a tricky thing.

It makes us believe that it is impossible,

it's untenable to lose,

and yet... losses in this game...

are inescapable.

Are you, are you saying...

Are you saying Gerry's gonna be the starter?

You'll back him up.

You have the unteachable stuff.

And I'm bettin' you can grow. You're just not ready.

I am ready. I am ready, Coach.

I've been waiting forever for this. I promise you, I can do this.

You're not hearing me, son.

I am saying I believe in you and I know that you...

-Oh, s-sorry, I, I... -Are you crying?

-No, I'm not, I'm not crying. -Chad.

Okay. Oh, oh, God. Okay.

Chad, where the hell are you going?

It's the wrong way.

Whatever.

♪ When you're weary ♪

♪ And feeling small ♪

♪ When tears are in ♪

♪ Your eyes ♪

♪ I will dry them all ♪

♪ I'm on your side ♪

♪ When times get rough ♪

♪ And friends just can't ♪

♪ Be found ♪

♪ Like a bridge ♪

Calculating shortest route to Los Angeles.

♪ Over troubled water ♪

-♪ I will lay me down ♪ -Cybertruck, call Dad.

-Russell? -Hey, Dad.

Oh, my God. I thought you might've killed yourself.

If you thought that, then why would you not...

call a ton or involve the police?

Well, I considered it, but only because you stole

several thousand dollars' worth of materials.

I...

Are you wondering when I'm comin' home?

You can't change who you are, kiddo.

I hope you're okay.

But at some point... the forgiveness runs out.

Okay. Um, hey, uh...

Sorry, it's, it's, um...

I think we have, I think we have a bad connection.

I think you're right, Russell.

Why is that your lock screen?

'Cause it makes me really happy.

Please change it. It's a bad picture of me.

I love this picture.

-Hey! -Yeah?

You know, Chad, like, ran off.

Like, weeping into the woods.

You think he's okay?

I don't know, I think, I think he just really loves the woods.

I think he's of the woods.

Yeah.

Whatever.

Oh, God, what a day.

How's Wendy's sister doing?

She's having issues.

-Sucks. -Yeah.

Best of seven?

If you're scared of best of nine.

Bring it.

Volley for serve.

Take it easy, big guy.

-Ooh! -Oh!

What's up, motherfucker?

Throw pillows? Thanks.

Yeah, it's about time I started gettin' a good night's sleep.

How'd it go at the barbecue?

Fuckin' awful.

Coach gave Gerry the starting position.

Oh.

But nobody found out you're a different person

wearing a prosthetic mask?

-Not yet. -Small victories, right?

You know, maybe, uh...

maybe the wolves, you know, maybe the wolves just come and take Gerry away.

The Chad voice is coming along.

Yeah.

Chad's alright.

♪ They laughed at me in New York City ♪

♪ Called me a fool in L.A. ♪

♪ I doubt that Nashville saw me coming ♪

-♪ Besides the bar folks working late ♪ -Gerry!

♪ Played every room in the state of Texas ♪

♪ All the ones in California too ♪

-♪ So many nights I can't remember ♪ -Set!

♪ Maybe I've played a song for you ♪

Ready, set!

♪ I've seen the other side of Dallas ♪

♪ Trying to climb up to the top ♪

♪ One thing I know about that city ♪

♪ Man, the hustle never stops ♪

♪ That's how I got real good at losing ♪

♪ And wasting precious time ♪

♪ Most folks who talk about me ♪

♪ Have never lived no life like mine ♪

♪ They laughed at me in New York City ♪

♪ Called me a fool in L.A. ♪

♪ I doubt that Nashville saw me coming... ♪

Go Powers!

-Touchdown! -Yeah!

Who the fuck is that guy?

Everything we worked for, it's coming true.

We are a top 10 team.

This is a chance for folks to learn who is Chad Powers.

I like you, Powers, but you are a puzzle.

Putting yourself on-camera is the most exposed you could possibly be.

Chad, who from your past inspired you to play football in the first place?

Benjamin Franklin.

Ben Franklin?

This is our moment.

And if they can't get any good content with him...

Look, I know he's not polished.

But that's why people like him.

You're falling for the coach's daughter like a Taylor Swift song.

Someone left the cap off.

We have no glue for your face. We're fucked!

It gets worse.

Russ Holiday?

Just act like nothing's wrong. Because nothing is wrong.

Go, go, go!

It's better to have a gun we don't need than to not have a gun we do need, right?

No!

This is our shot.

With Chad, we can win the whole thing.

Give me back my glue!

If Chad goes down, the whole program goes down.

If Chad goes down, Russ goes down.

Oh, mama. Oh!

♪ Hey! Hey! Hey! ♪