Original subtitles

(Jim laughs)

YOU KNOW, EVERY YEAR I THINK THESE LEPRECHAUN SHOES

AREN'T GONNA BE FUNNY ANYMORE, AND EVERY YEAR, I'M WRONG.

(both laugh)

YOU KNOW THE TWO OF YOU LOOK STUPID, RIGHT?

THE TWO OF US...

OR THE THREE OF US?

I'M INVITED?

(Irish brogue) AYE, SIR!

OH, MAN. TONIGHT'S GONNA TOTALLY ROCK!

(normal voice) I LOVE ST. PATRICK'S DAY.

I MEAN, IT IS THE GREATEST HOLIDAY.

I MEAN, IT'S A RELIGIOUS HOLIDAY CENTERED AROUND BARS.

WHAT WAS JESUS THINKIN'? COME ON!

AND YOU KNOW WHAT, RYAN?

YOU'RE NOT JUST GETTIN' HAMMERED WITH A BUNCH OF IDIOTS.

YOU'RE GETTIN' HAMMERED WITH THE GREEN MAN. (laughs)

YES. THE KING OF ALL ST. PATRICK'S DAY REVELRY

AND HOOLIGAN EMERITUS. YES.

WELL, I MUST ADMIT, YOUR RENOWNED SHENANIGANS

ARE ONE OF THE REASONS I MARRIED DANA. WELL, SHE WASN'T PREGNANT.

SO WE WERE WONDERIN' WHY YOU MARRIED HER.

(laughs)

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY. SO WHAT'S THE GREEN MAN GOT PLANNED?

(Irish brogue) PLANNED, YA SAY?

YE DON'T MAKE PLANS ON ST. PATTY'S DAY.

(normal voice) NO, SOMEWHERE AROUND MIDNIGHT

OR AFTER THE FIFTH PITCHER OF BEER,

THE GREEN MAN INFUSES ME, AND I GO OUT

AND I DELIGHT THE PEOPLE OF CHICAGO.

THEN I HIDE IN THE BUSHES

TILL THE COPS ARE GONE AND IT'S SAFE TO GO HOME.

(all laugh)

YOU WANT SOME MORE TEA, REVEREND SHELTON?

OH, THANK YOU, NO, DANA.

SO, CHERYL, WITH RUTH MIDFORD'S PASSING,

THERE'S NOW AN OPENING ON OUR CHURCH ADVISORY COMMITTEE.

WELL, ISN'T THAT EXCITING?!

I MEAN...

EXCEPT FOR THE PART ABOUT RUTH DYING.

SHE WAS SO SWEET.

YEAH, SHE WAS SWEET, ALL RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, I ONCE WORE JEANS TO A YOUTH SERVICE,

AND SHE CALLED ME A SLUT.

WELL, I WON'T ASK YOU TO SPEAK AT HER MEMORIAL.

YOU KNOW, REVEREND, I-I WOULD LOVE

TO BE CONSIDERED FOR A SPOT ON THAT COMMITTEE.

I HAVE SUCH EXCITING IDEAS.

YOU KNOW, I REALLY, REALLY CARE ABOUT THIS COMMUNITY.

YEAH, YOU ALSO GET A RESERVED PARKING SPOT AT THE CHURCH.

I DO? WELL, I DID NOT KNOW THAT.

SURE, YOU DID. YOU SAID YOU REALLY W... OW.

NOW, CHERYL, I'VE ALREADY PLACED YOUR NAME INTO NOMINATION...

OH!

AND, FRANKLY, BARRING ANY LAST MINUTE CONTROVERSY,

I DON'T SEE ANY REASON WHY YOU SHOULDN'T BE APPROVED.

WELL, THAT'S ONE GOOD THING

ABOUT BEING A BORING SUBURBAN HOUSEWIFE...

I DON'T REALLY HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT CONTROVERSY. (laughs)

(humming Irish jig)

(gasps)

(both grunt)

YOU KNOW, I-I THINK IT'S FASTER

TO GO OUT BACK AND THROUGH THE ALLEY.

TRUST ME ON THIS. I-IT'S BETTER.

♪♪♪

ALL RIGHT, GUYS, LOOK,

WE'RE GONNA BE DRINKIN' FOR 12 HOURS STRAIGHT.

SO IT'S VERY IMPORTANT TO LINE OUR STOMACHS WITH BREAD.

IT ABSORBS THE ALCOHOL, AND GOD FORBID,

IF IT COMES UP LATER ON...

IT COMES OUT SOFT AND EASY TO CLEAN UP.

YOU KNOW, I HEAR A LOT OF GUYS

ARE CELEBRATING ST. PATRICK'S DAY THIS YEAR

WITH A QUIET DINNER AT HOME.

YEAH, THE NURSING HOME.

YOU KNOW, RYAN,

I-I DON'T KNOW IF I LIKE THIS WHOLE IDEA

OF YOU GETTING REALLY DRUNK TONIGHT.

PLEASE.

I DON'T THINK I NEED YOUR PERMISSION, WOMAN.

(laughs)

(sighs)

I DO WHAT I WANT.

OH, GOD, PLEASE, PLEASE.

JIM, CAN... CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

RYAN, START EATIN' BREAD. YOU WATCH HIM.

KEEP AN EYE ON HIM. I DON'T WANT ANY ROOKIE MISTAKES.

(humming)

YOU'D BETTER WATCH IT, KID,

'CAUSE I GOT TWO WEEKS LEFT TILL RETIREMENT.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I SAW IT IN A MOVIE. I ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY IT.

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.

MINE IS KHAN!

BUT IT'S REALLY HARD TO WORK INTO A CONVERSATION.

HOW ABOUT THIS, HUH? WOW.

HUH? MICHAEL FLATLEY, EAT THIS!

YEAH, WOW, HONEY.

(Irish brogue) VERY FESTIVE, WOULDN'T YOU SAY?

I KNOW. I CAN SEE HOW EXCITED YOU ARE

ABOUT ST. PATRICK'S DAY. (normal voice) I AM SO EXCITED, HONEY! I'M SO THRILLED!

AND I THINK THAT IS JUST GREAT.

THANK YOU, BABY, FOR YOUR SUPPORT.

BUT I WAS WONDERING IF... IF MAYBE IT WOULDN'T BE A GOOD IDEA

TO PULL IT BACK A LITTLE BIT THIS YEAR?

PULL IT BACK? UH-HUH.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? COME ON, THIS IS MY HOLIDAY.

THE KIDS GET CHRISTMAS, THE GAY GUYS GET HALLOWEEN,

THIS ONE'S MINE, BABY.

OKAY, WHAT DO I GET?

WHAT DO YOU... (chuckles)

HOW ABOUT "MY HUSBAND BOUGHT ME A HOUSE" DAY?

OH, WAIT. I THINK THAT'S MORE OF A YEAR-ROUND CELEBRATION,

ISN'T IT? OH, RIGHT. YES, IT IS, HONEY.

HEY, HEY, HONEY,

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT I JUST FOUND OUT? HMM?

I FOUND I'M UP FOR SPOT ON THE CHURCH ADVISORY COMMITTEE.

GREAT! WHAT'S IT PAY?

WELL, UH, NOTHING. IT'S VOLUNTEER.

OH, WELL, THAT'S GOOD, TOO.

YEAH, YEAH, HONEY, IT'S GREAT,

AND... AND... AND YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD REALLY HELP ME OUT? HMM?

IF... IF YOU AND... AND... AND THE GREEN MAN

COULD STAY OUT OF TROUBLE.

(sighs)

DEFINE "TROUBLE."

THAT'S NOT TROUBLE. THAT'S HIJINKS.

THAT'S EMBARRASSING.

CHERYL, NOW, COME ON. YOU KNOW I CAN'T EMBARRASS YOU.

OH, I KNOW, I KNOW, HONEY, I KNOW THIS SPEECH. MM-HMM.

YOU CAN'T EMBARRASS ME. ONLY I CAN EMBARRASS ME. MM-HMM.

I CARE WAY TOO MUCH ABOUT WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK.

HOW DARE I TRY TO STOP YOU FROM BEING WHO YOU ARE?

MM-HMM, AND ALSO, YOU KNOW WHO I WAS WHEN YOU MARRIED ME.

I KNOW, I WAS GETTING TO THAT. I HAD TO STOP TO TAKE A BREATH.

LOOK, HONEY... HMM?

I MEAN...

CAN'T THE GREEN MAN TAKE ONE YEAR OFF?

OH, CHERYL. (Irish brogue) I AM THE GREEN MAN.

I AM CHICAGO'S DELIGHTFUL FAVORITE LITTLE MASCOT.

(normal voice) COME ON, I-I'M LIKE ROBIN HOOD.

INSTEAD OF HELPING THE POOR,

I MOW DIRTY WORDS IN HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL FIELDS.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE LUCKY YOU HAVEN'T BEEN ARRESTED.

(Irish brogue) LUCKY...

OR MAGICAL?

OH! (humming Irish jig)

WAIT A MINUTE. Y-YOU'RE REALLY SERIOUS ABOUT THIS, AREN'T YA?

YES.

YOU REALLY DON'T WANT ME

TO HAVE FUN ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY?

OH. (sighs)

THE DAY THAT WE REMEMBER ST. PATRICK FOR...

WHATEVER IT IS HE DID?

JIM, THIS COMMITTEE IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME.

HONEY, THE GREEN MAN IS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.

IT'S... IT'S... IT'S WHO I AM.

I KNOW, AND WHO YOU ARE IS A PROBLEM

FOR THE PEOPLE ON THE COMMITTEE.

I DON'T GIVE A HOITY-TOITY WHAT THOSE PEOPLE

ON THE COMMITTEE THINK OF ME. I DON'T CARE.

JIM, I DO.

WELL, SO WHAT?

SO I'M ASKING YOU TO DO THIS...

NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT!

FOR ME.

FOR YOU.

FOR YOU.

FOR YOU!

FOR YOU.

FOR YOU!

FOR YOU!

FOR YOU. (laughs)

(sighs) FOR YOU.

OH, LOOK, ANOTHER DIET SODA FOR NANCY O'FUNKILL.

THANK YOU. (sighs)

YOU MAY BE BORING, JIM, BUT AT LEAST YOU'RE TRIM.

THANKS.

SERIOUSLY, JIM, NO GREEN MAN?

THAT'S LIKE HALLOWEEN WITHOUT GAY GUYS.

COME ON, I DON'T LIKE IT ANY BETTER THAN YOU DO,

BUT I MADE A PROMISE TO CHERYL, AND EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE

I GOTTA HONOR ONE JUST TO KEEP HER GUESSIN'.

YEAH, JIM, BUT THIS SUCKS.

I MEAN, WE LOOK FORWARD TO THIS EVERY YEAR.

TONY EVEN SOLD HIS COUCH FOR BAIL MONEY.

NOT MY COUCH. A COUCH.

COME ON. I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE FUN TO HAVE A GOOD TIME,

AND YOU GUYS CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANNA DO.

WHOO!

I JUST PEED GREEN! (laughs)

TODAY MY LIFE BEGINS. WHY, THANK YOU.

I DON'T MIND IF I DO.

SEE THAT? RYAN'S HAVIN' A GREAT TIME.

YEAH, BUT HE'S A ROOKIE.

HE'S NEVER EXPERIENCED THE GREEN MAN.

AND ONCE YOU'VE GONE GREEN, THERE'S NO IN BETWEEN.

OH, PLEASE.

COME ON, JIM, BE THE GREEN MAN. NO.

COME ON. FOR US.

FOR YOU?

FOR YOU?

FOR YOU.

FOR YOU. FOR YOU?!

YES, FOR LOU!

FOR LOU!

LET'S HEAR IT FOR LOU! WE'LL MISS YOU, LOU!

(groans)

(unzips pants)

(sighs)

(Irish brogue) HELLO, THERE, JIMMY BOY!

OUT FOR A NIGHT OF MISCHIEF AND DISRULE, ARE YA?

I DIDN'T REALLY FOLLOW THAT.

ARE YA GOIN' OUT TO GET YOURSELF IN TROUBLE NOW?

OH, TROUBLE. NO, NO, I CAN'T.

I PROMISED MY WIFE THAT I WOULDN'T.

OOH, MAKIN' PROMISES TO THE WIFE NOW, ARE YA?

WELL, SHE REALLY WANTS TO GET ON THIS CHURCH COMMITTEE

REALLY BAD, YOU KNOW?

WITHOUT SINNERS, THERE'D BE NO SAINTS.

HEY, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD. DID ST. PAT SAY THAT?

NO, IT'S ON YOUR BUTTON RIGHT THERE.

THIS IS YOUR CHURCH,

AND THOSE DRUNKEN IDIOTS OUT THERE ARE YOUR PEOPLE.

LEAD THEM!

I DON'T KNOW. (sighs)

COME ON, JIM BOYLE...

DO IT FOR YOU.

FOR ME?

FOR YOU.

FOR ME.

FOR YOU!

FOR ME?

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY "FOR YOU"?!

FOR ME!

FOR ME!

FOR ME!

GENTLEMEN, THE GREEN MAN LIVES!

(cheering)

WHOO! (laughter)

(humming Irish jig)

OH, MAN. JIM'S GONNA BE SO MAD THAT HE MISSED THIS.

(all chanting) GREEN MAN! GREEN MAN!

GREEN MAN! GREEN MAN! GREEN MAN! GREEN MAN! GREEN MAN! GREEN MAN!

MOMMY, WE DON'T UNDERSTAND ST. PATRICK'S DAY.

WE DON'T GET PRESENTS... AND THERE'S NO CANDY.

WELL, YOU GET TO PINCH PEOPLE WHO DON'T WEAR GREEN.

STUPID HOLIDAY!

GET HIM!

SO YOU REALLY TRUST JIM TO STAY OUT OF TROUBLE TONIGHT?

OH, OF COURSE, I DO.

I TOLD HIM HOW MUCH THIS COMMITTEE MEANS TO ME,

AND I ASKED HIM NICELY.

I'D BETTER CALL HIM.

YEAH.

NOBODY'S ANSWERING.

ACTUALLY, THAT MIGHT BE GOOD.

REMEMBER WHEN YOU CALLED, AND THE BORDER PATROL ANSWERED?

YEAH, THE YEAR THE GREEN MAN INVADED CANADA.

YEAH. THEY WERE SO POLITE ABOUT IT.

(sighs)

OH, YOU KNOW, I-I'M BEING SILLY.

I'M SURE EVERYTHING'S FINE. I MEAN, RYAN'S WITH HIM.

YEAH, AND HE'S VERY RESPONSIBLE. RIGHT.

(cell phone rings)

AH, HIS EARS MUST HAVE BEEN BURNING. THAT'S RYAN.

HE IS SO SWEET AND COMPLETELY WHIPPED.

(both laugh)

HI, SWEETIE. OH.

KHAN!

WHOO!

(all yelling) WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!

Whoo!

CRAP ON A CRACKER.

YOUR HUSBAND BROKE MY HUSBAND!

OH!

AND NOW FOR THE MAIN EVENT! THE GREEN MAN...

(all chanting) GREEN MAN! GREEN MAN! GREEN MAN!

VERSES THE LEPRE... KHANS!

(all chanting) GREEN MAN! GREEN MAN!

ALL RIGHT, BOYS, THE GAYS GET HALLOWEEN,

WE'VE GOT TONIGHT.

(Irish brogue) COME ON, YA LITTLE PEOPLE!

AAH!

OOH! OHH!

OW!

(all grunting)

I'LL JUST BE ONE MINUTE. I PRO...

HI. HI.

I JUST NEED TO GO IN AND TALK TO MY HUSBAND FOR ONE SECOND.

I PROMISE I'LL BE RIGHT OUT.

SORRY, LADY. WE'RE AT CAPACITY NOW.

YELL AT HIM WHEN HE GETS HOME.

OH, OH, OKAY. COULD I JUST RUN IN AND USE THE BATHROOM?

'CAUSE I'VE HAD, LIKE, EIGHT CUPS OF GREEN TEA.

SO I'M KIND OF AT CAPACITY, TOO. (laughs)

LOOK, IT'S ST. PATTY'S.

GO OUTSIDE LIKE THE REST OF CHICAGO.

OH, UH, YOU KNOW,

I'M NOT REALLY A PEE IN THE ALLEY KIND OF GIRL, SO...

I UNDERSTAND. YOU WANT YOUR PRIVACY.

RIGHT.

WELL, DON'T WORRY. THERE'S A DUMPSTER.

A DUMPSTER? I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW I'M A MOTHER OF THREE.

OH, DAMN IT.

NOW YOU UPSET ME, AND I PEED A LITTLE.

WHO'S GOT A CAMERA?

I WANT A PICTURE OF MY ASS RIGHT NEXT TO HIS FACE.

(grunts) (cheers)

OH!

OH!

COME ON! COME ON!

(Irish brogue) ALL RIGHT, YOU LITTLE ONE.

COME ON. GIVE ME YOUR BEST SHOT.

WISH GRANTED.

OOH! (all groan)

(grunting)

COME ON, GUYS. JIM NEEDS OUR HELP.

WHAT? FIGHT.

AW, DAMN IT, ANDY!

(all grunting)

(Irish brogue) THE GREEN MAN!

AAH!

MA'AM?

(Cheryl) OH, OFFICER, THANK GOD.

HEY, DO YOU HAVE A WET NAP?

YEAH. ABOUT THAT...

COULD YOU COME OUT HERE WITH YOUR HANDS

AND YOUR PANTS UP?

ARE YOU ARRESTING ME?

YES, I AM.

THEN I'M FINISHING.

HEY, YOU KNOW...

CAN YOU CUT ME A BREAK? I MEAN, I'M A MOTHER.

OH, YOU ARE? YEAH.

ME, TOO.

OH! 2 GIRLS, 5 AND 7.

OH. YEAH.

THEY PEE INSIDE.

AHA!

(all yelling)

SCEPTER!

(laughs)

YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!

AAH!

LET'S ROB A BANK!

YES! YES! (all cheering)

ROB A BANK!

WHOO-HOO! YEAH!

WHOO! WHOO!

HEY, I'M NOT COOL WITH ROBBIN' A BANK.

YOU KNOW WHAT? THERE ARE TWO HOT DOG STANDS AND A ZOO

BETWEEN US AND THE BANK. HE'LL NEVER MAKE IT.

OH, CHERYL, I CAN'T WAIT TO GET THAT RESERVED PARKING SPOT.

THAT TREK ACROSS THE PARKING LOT IS HELL.

"GREEN MAN TOPPLES STATUE OF FRANK LLOYD WRIGHT.

DECLARES CITY FREE."

JIM!

HOW COULD YOU?

OH, CHERYL, IT COULD HAVE BEEN A LOT WORSE.

I MEAN, WE'RE LUCKY WE DIDN'T FIND A BANK TO ROB.

OH.

WE ENDED UP FEEDING HOT DOGS TO A GIRAFFE.

HE DIDN'T LIKE IT AT FIRST, BUT HE CAME AROUND.

CHERYL, COME ON. LIGHTEN UP.

COME ON, I SEE YOU'RE UPSET. CHERYL?

(scoffs) COME ON, CHERYL.

CAN'T YOU LET THIS GO?

(scoffs)

(sighs)

FOR ME?

FOR YOU?

FOR ME.

FOR YOU.

FOR ME.

FOR YOU?! NO, HEY!

FOR YOU?! FOR YOU?! FOR YOU?! FOR YOU?! HEY! HEY! HEY!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! COME ON, WILL YA?

THANK YOU FOR WAITING. WE'RE READY...

FOR YOU.

GOOD MORNING, CHERYL, JIM.

GOOD MORNING, REVEREND.

I'M AFRAID IT ISN'T, CHERYL.

WELL, YOU JUST SAID IT WAS... I KNOW WHAT I SAID.

SHALL I READ BACK WHAT YOU SAID FROM THE RECORD?

NO.

WORD HAS GOTTEN OUT ABOUT LAST NIGHT,

AND FOR OBVIOUS REASONS,

WE HAVE TO REMOVE YOUR NAME FROM CONSIDERATION.

COME ON, WHAT THE HELL KIND OF CHURCH IS THIS? (Cheryl) JIM...

I MEAN, WAIT A MINUTE. NO, HONEY. I MEAN,

YOU'RE GONNA REJECT MY LOVELY WIFE

BECAUSE OF SOMETHING I DID?

I MEAN, WHAT IF THAT HAPPENED TO ABE LINCOLN?

I MEAN, HIS WIFE WAS NUTS...

AND YOU PROBABLY ALL REMEMBER THAT, HAVING VOTED FOR HIM.

YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER, SIR.

I'M OUT OF ORDER? NO, YOU'RE OUT OF ORDER!

THIS WHOLE COURTROOM IS OUT OF ORDER!

THANKS. I ALWAYS WANTED TO SAY THAT.

JIM, IT ISN'T BECAUSE OF YOU THAT CHERYL'S OFF THE COMMITTEE.

WE'VE RECEIVED WORD THAT LAST NIGHT, CHERYL WAS ARRESTED.

WHAT?

YEAH, UM, IRONIC STORY.

UM, LAST NIGHT, I WENT OUT

TO TRY TO KEEP YOU FROM GETTING INTO TROUBLE,

AND I... KINDA GOT ARRESTED FOR PUBLIC URINATION.

(sighs) WAY TO GO, BABY!

THE GREEN MAN TAKES A BRIDE. (laughs)

HONEY, THAT IS ONE OF THE HOTTEST THINGS

I THINK YOU'VE EVER DONE.

HOT OR NOT, THIS COMMITTEE HAS NO PLACE ON IT

FOR A PERSON WHO WILL DO THINGS OF THAT KIND.

WE HAVE A STANDARD OF CONDUCT

THAT YOUR WIFE HAS NOT LIVED UP TO.

HEY, WAIT A SECOND. YOU'RE KIDDING ME HERE, RIGHT?

I MEAN, SHE MADE ONE MISTAKE.

YOU'RE GONNA REJECT THE BEST WOMAN IN THE ENTIRE CHURCH

FOR ONE MISTAKE?

YES, WE ARE.

WOW, THAT IS COLD, DUDE.

(Cheryl) OH, JIM, HONEY,

YOU KNOW WHAT? HE'S... HE'S RIGHT.

I DID MAKE ONE MISTAKE, BUT THAT MISTAKE

WASN'T SQUATTIN' BEHIND THAT FILTHY DUMPSTER.

IT WAS PUTTING A SPOT ON SOME STUPID COMMITTEE

OVER MY HUSBAND.

CHERYL, FIRST THE POLICE RECORD, NOW YOU'RE SASSIN' THE REVEREND?

WE GOTTA STOP AT A MOTEL ON THE WAY HOME.

OH. HONEY, OKAY, OKAY. JUST ONE SEC. ONE SEC.

ONE... HI. LOOK, NONE OF US ARE PERFECT PEOPLE,

OR WE WOULDN'T COME TO CHURCH.

THAT'S RIGHT. NOW YOU CAN EITHER REJECT US FOR WHO WE ARE,

OR YOU CAN DO THE RIGHT THING AND ACCEPT US...

THE PEE LADY AND THE GREEN MAN, FLAWS AND ALL.

AMEN!

YOU KNOW, CHERYL,

I'VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF A LOT OF THINGS,

BUT NEVER A CHURCH.

OH, HONEY, I'M SORRY.

I SHOULD NEVER HAVE ASKED YOU TO CHANGE WHO YOU ARE.

ON ST. PATRICK'S DAY,

YOU ARE THE GREEN MAN.

HONEY, DON'T BEAT YOURSELF UP OVER IT.

OH, WELL. NO, REALLY, I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU

TO CRAM IT WHEN YOU ASKED ME.

OH, THAT IS SO SWEET.