Original subtitles

SO HOW WAS KARATE CLASS? YOU BREAK ANY BOARDS?

NO. WE TRADED STICKERS.

THEN WE TALKED ABOUT BOYS AND HAD LEMONADE.

WAIT A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND.

YOU'RE TELLING ME KARATE CLASS IS LIKE SCHOOL,

BUT I'M PAYIN' 60 BUCKS AN HOUR FOR IT?

YEAH. YEAH.

HEY, JIM, JIM,

I GOTTA LOCK UP AND TEACH A CLASS DOWNTOWN.

COULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR AND WATCH JUSTIN?

HIS DAD'LL BE HERE ANY MINUTE.

OH, UH, YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

FAVORS AREN'T REALLY MY THING.

I'LL GIVE YOUR KIDS TWO FREE CLASSES. OKAY.

OH, THANKS, JIM. YOU'RE GREAT.

HI, JUSTIN! HI, JUSTIN!

EASY.

ALL RIGHT, WHY DON'T WE GIVE YOUR DAD A CALL RIGHT NOW?

WHAT'S HIS NUMBER?

SPEED DIAL TWO.

OH, I DON'T THINK SO.

"SPEED DIAL TWO" IS PIZZA... BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE CAN CALL 'EM AND SEE IF THEY'LL PICK YOU UP.

♪♪♪

WHAT TIME IS IT NOW?

AH, DON'T WORRY, BUDDY.

YOUR DAD'S JUST AN HOUR LATE, JUST AN HOUR.

A WHOLE HOUR.

HE'S NOT COMING.

HEY, DON'T THINK LIKE THAT. HE FORGOT ME.

DON'T THINK LIKE THAT. THINK POSITIVE.

MAYBE HE GOT IN AN ACCIDENT. DADDY!

WELL...

LOOK, ONE TIME, MY DAD WAS THREE HOURS LATE,

AND EVERYTHING TURNED OUT FINE.

BUT YOUR DAD LEFT AND NEVER CAME BACK.

NEVER?

(inhales deeply)

WELL... NO, NO, NO, HE DIDN'T.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT WAS A DIFFERENT TIME.

DITCHIN' YOUR KID WAS FASHIONABLE BACK THEN,

NOT LIKE NOW.

YOU SAID IT RUINED YOUR FAMILY FOREVER.

AREN'T WE ATTENTIVE LITTLE LISTENERS?

LOOK, MY DAD WAS A PIECE OF CRAP AND HE RAN OFF ON ME.

YOUR DAD IS JUST LATE.

ARE YOU SURE?

I'M POSITIVE.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT... GIMME THAT.

YOU DON'T WORRY ABOUT A THING, ALL RIGHT?

I'M GONNA WRITE DOWN ALL MY INFORMATION,

I'M GONNA LEAVE IT ON THE DOOR HERE FOR YOUR DAD...

AND THEN ALL OF US ARE GONNA GO HOME, GET SOME ICE CREAM

AND SOME COOKIES

AND WE GOT A BIG, SOFT UNCLE WE CAN PRACTICE KARATE KICKS ON. OKAY.

COME ON!

(yelling)

(Andy) STOP IT! OW! OW!

JIM, DID YOU TELL THE KIDS THAT THEY COULD HIT ANDY?

(chuckles) YEAH.

YOU WANT ME TO TELL 'EM TO STOP?

(chuckles) NO. THANK YOU.

YEAH, REAL COOL, THREE ON ONE. I COULD TAKE ANY OF YOU ALONE!

(doorbell rings)

HEY, DID YOU TELL 'EM THEY COULD HIT ME?

HEY, I'M PAYIN' FOR KARATE CLASS,

THEY BETTER HIT SOMEBODY.

HI, WE'RE JUSTIN'S PARENTS. I AM SO SORRY WE'RE LATE.

OH, NO PROBLEM. COME IN, COME IN!

THERE WAS A BIG ACCIDENT ON THE EISENHOWER.

WELL, WE'RE JUST HAPPY YOU'RE OKAY. JUSTIN'S FINE.

HE'S IN THE KITCHEN PLAYING WITH OUR KIDS.

MY NAME'S HEATHER AND THIS IS BILL.

WELL, I'M CHERYL. IT'S GREAT TO MEET YOU BOTH.

NICE MEETING YOU, AND NOW THAT THE INTRODUCTIONS

ARE OUT OF THE WAY, MIND IF I USE THE CAN? BILL.

WHAT? I BEEN STUCK IN A CAR FOR TWO HOURS.

I GOTTA TAKE A LEAK. ABSOLUTELY, ABSOLUTELY.

RIGHT BACK DOWN THAT HALL, AND IT'S ON YOUR RIGHT.

SEE? NO BIG DEAL.

COME ON IN. HEATHER, THIS IS MY HUSBAND JIM, MY BROTHER ANDY. HI.

HI-DE-HO.

OH, I AM SO EMBARRASSED, FIRST, WE'RE TWO HOURS LATE,

AND THEN BILL ASKS TO USE THE CAN.

OH, PLEASE. JIM WOULD HAVE JUST PEED IN THE BUSHES. (laughs)

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

WHAT? SHE'S RIGHT. YOU WOULD HAVE PEED IN THE BUSHES.

NO. THAT GUY BILL. YEAH?

THAT'S MY FATHER.

WAIT, WAIT,

JUSTIN'S FATHER IS YOUR FATHER?

YEAH.

ARE YOU SURE? IT'S BEEN 35 YEARS.

OH, IT'S HIM. OF COURSE IT'S HIM.

HE'S GOT THE SAME FACE, THE SAME VOICE,

HE'S PROBABLY EVEN WEARIN' THE SAME SHIRT!

IT'S HIM.

WOW. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

I DON'T KNOW.

I GUESS THE SAME THING I...

I DO WITH EVERY GUEST THAT COMES HERE...

I'LL WATCH TV UNTIL THEY GET THE HINT AND LEAVE.

JIM, NO, WAIT,

THIS IS YOUR CHANCE, MAN.

FATE HAS... HAS BROUGHT HIM TO YOUR BATHROOM

AND PULLED DOWN HIS PANTS.

NOW, OKAY, I KNOW A SWIRLIE CAN'T MAKE UP

FOR 35 YEARS OF NEGLECT,

BUT IT'S ONE HELL OF A START.

ANDY, HE DIDN'T EVEN RECOGNIZE ME,

AND I WANT TO KEEP IT THAT WAY. NO, GO...

NO, NO, NO, PLEASE, KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT, OKAY?

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

JUST BE COOL UNTIL THEY SPLIT.

GOD, I'M TORN.

I MEAN, YEAH, ON THE ONE HAND, I WANT TO PROTECT MY BEST BUD.

THANKS. BUT ON THE OTHER HAND,

I REALLY WANT TO PUT IT TO YOUR STEPMOM.

JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT.

(footsteps approach)

WOW. I CAME THIS CLOSE TO PEEING IN THE BUSHES.

LUCKY FOR YOUR PETUNIAS, THE WIFE STOPPED ME.

SIR, YOU ARE IN A CHRISTIAN HOME.

YOUR BATHROOM HUMOR IS NOT WELCOME HERE.

OH. I'M SORRY.

I GUESS THE BIG BOOK OF BATHROOM HUMOR

NEXT TO THE CRAPPER THREW ME OFF.

ANYWAY, THANKS FOR TAKING CARE OF THE BOY FOR ME.

HEY, I'VE NEVER DONE ANYTHING LIKE THAT BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

(chuckles) RIGHT.

OF COURSE YOU HAVEN'T, BILL.

YOU DON'T MIND IF I CALL YOU BILL, DO YOU, BILLY?

DO WE HAVE A PROBLEM HERE?

MAYBE WE DO.

WHY? BECAUSE I LEFT MY SON FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS?

TRY 35 YEARS, BILLY-BILLY-BO-BILLY... OOH!

LOOK, 35 YEARS...

OH, MY GOD.

JIM?

GOOD LORD, NO. HIM.

JIMMY.

YOU'RE GROWN.

YEAH.

SO, UM, HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD, GOOD, HOW YOU DOIN'?

I'M DOIN' FINE, FINE. GOOD, GOOD. THAT'S GOOD TO HEAR.

WE'VE GOTTA DO THIS AGAIN SOMETIME.

SURE, SURE, SURE.

BOO-YAH.

HEATHER, JUSTIN, WE'RE LEAVING.

(Justin) DADDY!

(Cheryl) THAT IS JUST AMAZING.

JIM, HEATHER AND I HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON.

YEAH, WE'RE BOTH ARIES, WE'RE BOTH RUSSELL CROWE FANS,

AND WHAT ELSE?

THAT'S ABOUT IT.

WE'LL SEE YOU FRIDAY NIGHT. GREAT!

FRIDAY? WHAT?

YEAH, YEAH, I INVITED THEM TO OUR SCHOOL CARNIVAL.

WON'T THAT BE FUN?

(Heather) BYE.

(Cheryl) OH, IT WAS JUST SO GREAT TO MEET YOU. I KNOW.

SO WE'LL TALK BEFOREHAND AND THEN WE'LL GO FRIDAY. THAT SOUNDS GREAT. BYE. BYE.

OKAY, GREAT. BYE.

(whispering) ISN'T THAT GONNA BE A LITTLE AWKWARD,

YOU KNOW, SINCE HE'S YOUR DAD?

WHAT ARE YOU SMILIN' ABOUT?

YOU KIDDIN'? I'M IN MY WHEELHOUSE.

I'VE ALWAYS HAD GREAT LUCK WITH CARNY CHICKS.

I THOUGHT ONE OF THEM STOLE YOUR FLAT SCREEN TV.

MY FAULT. YEAH. I BROUGHT HER HOME.

SHE SAID, "THE PARKING LOT'S FINE,"

BUT SADLY, MOTHER RAISED ME TO BE A GENTLEMAN.

(gasps) JIM.

JIM, THAT ONE'S GOT ALL HER TEETH.

IN THE CARNY WORLD, THAT'S CALLED "KISSIN' PRETTY."

JIM. JIM.

I WON THIS OVER AT THE RING TOSS.

I DON'T THINK JUSTIN'LL GO FOR IT, SO, UH, HERE.

OH, THANKS, BUT I DON'T THINK A GAY BUNNY

IS GONNA FIX YOU DITCHIN' ME WHEN I WAS 10.

OH, NO, NO, NO, I... YOU KNOW...

I WAS, UH, THINKING, MAYBE, YOU KNOW,

YOU COULD GIVE IT TO RUBY OR GRACIE.

THAT'S A VERY SWEET THOUGHT, BILL.

HERE YOU GO.

WILL YOU PLEASE STOP BUSTING MY CHOPS?

I JUST WANT TO DO SOMETHING NICE FOR MY GRANDDAUGHTERS.

WHOA, WHOA, BILL, YOU CAN'T CALL THEM YOUR GRANDDAUGHTERS.

YOU'RE NOT THEIR GRANDFATHER.

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE JUST A FATHER WITH A BOY

WHO MY GIRLS HAPPEN TO HAVE A CRUSH ON,

WHICH, BY THE WAY, WE GOTTA PUT A STOP TO THAT.

ABSOLUTELY.

DAD, THEY GOT THESE COOL GIANT SUMO SUITS!

CAN YOU AND ME WRESTLE?

SURE. ANYTHING FOR MY SON.

HEY, JIM, JIM, THEY GOT THESE COOL GIANT SUMO SUITS.

CAN YOU AND ME WRESTLE?

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE CARNY CHICK?

OH, THAT'S LOCKED AND LOADED. I GAVE HER KEYS TO MY HOUSE.

WE'RE GONNA MEET UP THERE LATER.

ANDY, SHE'S GONNA RIP YOU OFF!

NO, NO, NO, NO, NOT THIS ONE. SHE'S DIFFERENT.

HER FRIEND THE PSYCHIC SAID I HAVE NOTHIN' TO WORRY ABOUT.

COME ON, COME ON, CAN WE GO WRESTLE?

NO, NO, NO. BILL'S GONNA BE OVER THERE.

I DON'T WANNA GET NEAR THE GUY.

LOOK AT ME. OH, GOD, I'M SORRY. IT'S ALL RIGHT.

HERE YOU ARE HURTIN' AND I'M CHASIN' CARMEL APPLES

AND CARNY TAIL.

COME HERE, YOU, HUH? COME ON.

GIMME SOME "BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN."

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON!

I'M GONNA WRESTLE YOU! COME ON, LET'S GO!

I'M GONNA TAKE YOU DOWN RIGHT NOW!

I CAN'T HELP THINKING ABOUT THE POOR PEOPLE

WHO HAVE TO CLEAN THESE SUITS TONIGHT.

SO WHEN IS UNCLE ANDY GONNA PUT HIS SUMO SUIT ON?

GET IT? DO YOU GUYS GET IT?

(Andy grunts)

OHAYO-GOZAIMASU.

WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

"A PLEASANT GOOD MORNING."

I KNOW THAT AND HOW TO ASK FOR "THE SPECIAL MASSAGE."

(both grunt)

OOH!

OH, I FEEL LIKE WE SAW THIS SHOW AT SEA WORLD.

YEAH, AND ONCE AGAIN, WE'RE IN THE SPLASH ZONE. LET'S GO.

(both grunt)

(laughs) OHH! OHH!

OOH, AHH, LITTLE ONE, WE MEET AGAIN.

OH, YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?

(grunts)

HEY, ANDY!

OH.

OKAY, JIMMY, TAKE YOUR PICK.

WE COULD TALK OR WE COULD WRESTLE.

UH, JIMMY, I DIDN'T LITERALLY MEAN WRESTLE.

I MEAN IT AS A JOKE! (yells)

AAH! WHOA!

COME ON, GET UP.

FINE. WE DON'T HAVE TO TALK.

JUST HELP ME UP AND I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE.

AW, GET UP YOURSELF! COME ON, COME ON, GIVE ME A HAND!

I'LL LEAVE YOU ALONE.

OHH! HEY!

(grunts)

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT WITH ME?!

FIVE SECONDS! JUST STOP HATING ME FOR FIVE SECONDS. NO!

YES! LOOK, YOUR DAD WAS A BAD GUY.

HE WAS YOUNG AND HE WAS STUPID AND HE WAS SELFISH,

BUT... BUT JUSTIN'S DAD IS DIFFERENT!

YEAH, "JUSTIN'S DAD'S DIFFERENT."

WELL, GOOD FOR JUSTIN.

IT'S GONNA BE GREAT FOR HIM. YOU KNOW WHY?

'CAUSE HE'S GONNA HAVE A DAD AT HIS LITTLE LEAGUE GAMES

AND HIS FOOTBALL GAMES AND HIS HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION

WHEN I HAD AN EMPTY SEAT!

I WAS AT YOUR HIGH SCHOOL GRADUATION!

YOU WERE?

YEAH, I COULDN'T TELL YOUR MOTHER I WAS THERE,

BUT I WAS THERE! I WAS UNDERNEATH THE GRANDSTAND

AT THE OTHER END OF THE FOOTBALL FIELD.

NOTHING AND NOBODY WAS GOING TO KEEP ME

FROM SEEING MY SON GRADUATE HIGH SCHOOL, NOTHING!

WAS IT DAY OR NIGHT?

DAY. NIGHT!

DAMN!

YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED ONE BIT!

I HAVE, REALLY, JIMMY!

WHEN I... WHEN I MET HEATHER AND WE GOT MARRIED

AND THEN WE HAD JUSTIN, I STARTED TO PULL IT TOGETHER.

YEAH? WELL, IF YOU PULLED IT TOGETHER, IF THAT'S TRUE,

WHY DIDN'T YOU GIVE ME A CALL?

WHY DIDN'T YOU TRY TO FIND ME?

WHY DIDN'T YOU TRY TO SEE IF I WAS OKAY?

IF I WAS DEAD OR ALIVE, YOU DIDN'T EVEN LOOK FOR ME!

WHAT WAS I GONNA DO? I'M GONNA PICK UP THE PHONE AND SAY,

"I'M SORRY, SON, I RAN OUT ON YOU, AND I LEFT YOU FLAT."

I JUST... I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE BETTER FOR YOU THIS WAY.

OH, THANKS, DAD. THANKS FOR MAKING THAT DECISION FOR ME.

ALL IS FORGIVEN NOW, ALL RIGHT?

HERE, WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME A HUG?

COME ON, GIVE YOUR SON JIMMY A BIG HUG, DAD!

COME ON!

JUSTIN, UM...

JUSTIN!

(Jim sighs)

HEY.

HEY.

OKAY, CHERYL, THAT WAS MY DAD.

SO WE'RE HERE NOW.

GET YOUR EMOTIONAL CROWBAR OUT AND PRY OPEN MY GUTS,

AND LET'S SEE HOW JIM'S FEELIN'.

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE A CUP OF COFFEE.

OH.

THANKS.

MM-HMM.

THE LAST TIME I SAW HIM, I WAS 10.

IT WAS A SATURDAY MORNING AND, UH, I WAS ON THE PORCH,

BOUNCIN' MY SuperBall... YOU REMEMBER THOSE?

AND I HEARD MY DAD'S...

THAT MAROON EL CAMINO OF HIS...

IT FIRED RIGHT UP, YOU KNOW?

ANYWAY, HE BACKED OUT OF THE DRIVEWAY,

PULLED INTO THE STREET, AND HE STOPPED.

I TURNED AND I WAVED TO HIM.

HE WAVED BACK...

AND SMILED.

HE SMILED...

AND THEN HE WAS GONE.

WHY DID HE SMILE?

I MEAN, HE KNEW HE WAS NEVER COMIN' BACK.

WHAT WAS HE SMILING ABOUT, CHERYL?

I DON'T KNOW.

OH, BABY.

OH, BABY...

THAT SUCKS.

YEAH.

BUT LOOK AT YOU NOW.

I MEAN... YOU ARE NOTHING LIKE HIM.

MAYBE BECAUSE HE LEFT,

YOU LEARNED TO TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

AND YOUR MOM AND YOUR SISTER AND US.

I MEAN, HONEY...

YOU TAKE SUCH GOOD CARE OF US.

HEY, CHERYL?

(whispers) YEAH?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THE... THE NEXT TIME MY FATHER ABANDONS ME

AND SHOWS UP 35 YEARS LATER...

YEAH?

TWO SUGARS.

(laughs)

YES. TWO SUGARS.

WHOO. WHERE ARE THE KIDS? I'M BEAT.

DANA TOOK THEM TO GET HOT DOGS AND THEN TO THE BOUNCY HOUSE.

OOH. THEY'RE RIDIN' HOME IN HER CAR.

COME ON, JUSTIN, YOU KNOW YOU'RE MY BEST BUDDY.

LOOK, I LOVE YOU TOO MUCH TO EVEN EVER THINK ABOUT LEAVING.

HEY, WHO WOULD I WATCH THE SOX GAMES WITH, HUH?

HERE, GO AHEAD WITHOUT ME.

OKAY.

HEY, JUSTIN.

WANT SOME COTTON CANDY?

YOU KNOW, I BOUGHT IT FOR ANDY.

AND HE'LL GET REALLY MAD IF I GIVE IT TO YOU, SO HERE.

HE'S A LITTLE TOO UPSET FOR COTTON CANDY.

MAYBE IT'S JUST ME.

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME A SHOT?

(sighs)

ROUGH DAY, HUH, KID?

YEAH.

YEAH.

WELL, YOU KNOW, A LONG TIME AGO,

YOUR DAD DID SOMETHING REALLY, REALLY STUPID.

BUT PEOPLE CHANGE...

AND HE LOVES YOU.

CUT HIM A BREAK.

HEY, HE'S NOT GOIN' ANYWHERE.

AND IF HE DOES,

YOU GOT AN OLDER BROTHER THAT'S GONNA KICK HIS ASS.

HEY, DAD,

CAN WE GO ON THE SLIDE?

YOU TRY AND STOP ME.

I'LL GO GET IN LINE.

THANKS.

YEAH, WELL... I DIDN'T DO IT FOR YOU.

I DID IT FOR MY LITTLE BROTHER.

I GUESS THAT'S ALL I'M GONNA GET FROM YOU. THAT'S WHAT YOU GET.

WELL, I'LL TAKE IT.

AND I MEANT WHAT I SAID. WHAT'S THAT?

YOU MAKE ME A LIAR IN FRONT OF THAT BOY,

AND I'LL COME AND KICK YOUR ASS.

YOU KNOW WHERE TO FIND ME.

SO IF I GIVE YOU MY A.T.M. CARD,

YOU'LL PICK UP SOME BEER AND HAVE DINNER WAITIN'?

(chuckles)

DADDY, DO WE HAVE TO LEAVE?

MOMMY SAYS YOU WANT TO LEAVE BECAUSE YOU'RE TIRED.

I WANT TO PLAY SOME MORE.

WELL, WHERE DID MOMMY GET THAT IDEA?

I WANT TO STAY AND PLAY ALL NIGHT!

(children) YAY!

LET'S GO ON THE SWING RIDE!

OHH.

YOU KNOW, ONE TIME ON THE SWING RIDE,

I THREW UP IN A PERFECT CIRCLE.

(both laugh)