Original subtitles

HEY, BABY!

HEY.

I GOT YOUR FAVORITE PIZZA.

TOMATO BASIL?

NO. ANCHOVIES.

I HATE ANCHOVIES.

PICK 'EM OFF!

AH, IT IS TOMATO BA...

AND WHAT IS THAT?

YOU RECOGNIZE IT?

WHAT?

THAT'S WHAT I GAVE YOU 15 YEARS AGO.

15 YEARS AGO, THE NIGHT I PROPOSED TO YOU.

OH, RIGHT, I REMEMBER.

I GUESS IT WASN'T COVERED IN MOZZARELLA THEN.

SIT DOWN.

OKAY...

NOW, CHERYL,

I KNOW I DON'T REALLY HAVE A GREAT TRACK RECORD OF,

YOU KNOW, GETTING YOU GIFTS FOR OUR ANNIVERSARY,

OR EVEN REMEMBERING OUR ANNIVERSARY,

SO I'D LIKE TO MAKE IT ALL UP TO YOU RIGHT NOW.

(grunts)

YOU OKAY?

NOT REALLY.

CHERYL, WILL YOU MARRY ME AGAIN?

OHH, JIM.

OH, THAT IS SO SWEET.

THERE'S NOTHING IN HERE.

WHAT? YOU ALREADY GOT THE RING.

COME ON, THIS IS A ROMANTIC GESTURE, YOU KNOW,

LIKE THE KIND OF CRAP YOU'VE BEEN YAPPIN' ABOUT

ALL THESE YEARS, YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT, AND IT IS,

AND OF COURSE I'LL MARRY YOU.

OH, FANTASTIC.

NOW HELP ME UP.

OH.

♪♪♪

I KNOW, I KNOW, OKAY, I KNOW, NEITHER ONE,

BUT IF YOU ABSOLUTELY HAD TO PICK, YOU KNOW THE RULES...

IT'S LIFE OR DEATH.

ALL RIGHT. JANET RENO.

OVER MATT DAMON? ARE YOU CRAZY?

HE'S A GUY!

A PRETTY ONE.

AW, COME ON! THAT IS JUST SO RIDICULOUS!

AHEM.

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY!

DO YOU LIKE IT?

LIKE IT? YOU LOOK GORGEOUS. I LOVE IT.

OH, GOOD, HONEY. I BOUGHT IT FOR WHEN WE RENEW OUR VOWS.

I ALSO GOT NEW OUTFITS FOR THE KIDS,

AND I BOUGHT YOU A NEW SUIT.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WAIT A MINUTE, HONEY.

I THOUGHT WE WERE GONNA KEEP THIS SHORT AND SIMPLE,

YOU KNOW, I STILL DO, YOU STILL DO,

KISS, KISS, CAKE, SEX, CAKE.

WELL, I THINK CELEBRATING 15 YEARS OF MARRIAGE

IS WORTH DOING RIGHT.

JIM, THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME.

ALL RIGHT, THEN, IT'S REALLY SORT OF IMPORTANT TO ME.

CHERYL, QUICK QUESTION.

YEAH? ARE YOU INVITING ANY YOUNG HOTTIES?

JUST COUSINS.

OOH, I READ SOMEWHERE THAT'S OKAY NOW.

UH, CHERYL? CHERYL?

WHAT? THE GUY IN THE RED SHIRT, WHO IS HE?

WHAT'S HE DOING IN OUR LIVING ROOM?

THIS IS VANCE. HE'S MY LIGHTING DESIGNER.

HUH?

I AM GOING TO INFUSE YOUR SPACE WITH DRAMA.

OHH!

WELL, AS LONG AS YOU TAKE IT WITH YOU WHEN YOU LEAVE.

OHH...

MOMMY, CAN GRACE AND I GET OUR EARS PIERCED FOR YOUR WEDDING?

I HAVE TOLD YOU 50 TIMES, YOU'RE TOO YOUNG.

COME ON, CAN WE PLEASE, CAN WE?

PLEASE, CAN WE, CAN WE, PLEASE?

NO, SORRY, SORRY, NO.

(both) CAN WE, DADDY?

YEAH, SURE, WHY NOT?

YES!

NO, NO, NO!

YOU CAN GET YOUR EARS PIERCED WHEN YOU'RE 12. I HAVE SPOKEN.

I WANT YOU GIRLS TO SIT ON THIS COUCH RIGHT NOW

AND THINK ABOUT THE POOR CHILDREN IN OTHER COUNTRIES

WHO CAN'T EVEN AFFORD EARS.

JIM, HONEY, KITCHEN.

(imitates Cheryl) "KITCHEN."

THANKS.

SO YOU GUYS KNOW WHO JANET RENO IS?

(Jim) ANDY!

(exhales)

YES... MA'AM?

JIM. WHAT?

YOU KNOW THE GIRLS HAVE BEEN

NAGGING ME FOR WEEKS ABOUT THOSE EARRINGS.

YOU COULD HAVE BACKED ME UP.

CHERYL, THERE'S A VERY GOOD REASON WHY I DIDN'T BACK YOU UP.

I DON'T CARE.

NO, THAT DOESN'T MATTER.

WE AGREED THAT AS PARENTS,

WE ALWAYS PRESENT A UNITED FRONT.

CHERYL, YOU KNOW ME.

I-I CAN'T LAY DOWN A RULE

FOR SOMETHING THAT I DON'T BELIEVE IN.

UNLESS YOU ASK ME NAKED.

ALL RIGHT, BUT OUR GIRLS ARE 9 AND 10,

AND IF THEY GET THEIR EARS PIERCED NOW,

IT MOVES UP THE WHOLE SCHEDULE.

THAT MEANS BY 11, MAKEUP...

BY 12, TUBE TOPS.

(gasps)

YOU WANT TO HEAR 13?

NO, NO, I GET IT, I GET IT.

THONG UNDERWEAR!

COME ON! YES!

THEY'RE PUTTIN' THONG UNDERWEAR ON BY 13?! BY 13!

FORGET THAT! I GOT SOME PARENTING TO DO!

ALL RIGHT, GIRLS, THAT'S IT!

I WANT YOU TO SIT DOWN RIGHT NOW!

WE ARE SITTING.

DON'T YOU GET SMART WITH ME.

NOW YOU LISTEN TO ME.

I DON'T WANT ANY MORE TALK ABOUT EARS OR EARRINGS

OR ANY OF THAT STUFF.

YOU'RE WAY TOO YOUNG!

BUT ALL OUR FRIENDS' PARENTS LET 'EM HAVE 'EM.

OOH, "BUT OUR FRIENDS' PARENTS LET 'EM HAVE 'EM."

WELL, I GUESS THEN WE LOSE THE "COOLEST PARENT" CONTEST,

DON'T WE?

BUT WE MAKE UP FOR IT BY BEING GREAT-LOOKING.

IT'S NOT FAIR.

OH! NOT FAIR?

WELL, HONEY, LIFE'S NOT FAIR. ASK YOUR UNCLE ANDY.

OHH. TELL ME ABOUT IT.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO HOOK UP WITH THIS DANCER WHO...

ANDY, ANDY, ANDY, ANDY, STOP!

ALL RIGHT, SO NO EARRINGS, NO TUBE TOPS

AND ANY UNDERWEAR YOU WEAR'S GOTTA HAVE SCOOBY-DOO

OR UNICORNS ON 'EM!

RIGHT, AND NO NAGGING. NO NAGGING!

BUT WE JUST WANT... (muttering)

THAT'S IT. THAT'S IT! I'M TAKIN' YOUR TV OUTTA YOUR ROOM! WE DON'T HAVE A TV.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, THEN WHAT DO YOU HAVE THAT YOU LIKE?

A PHONE.

OKAY, WE'RE TAKING YOUR PHONE OUTTA YOUR ROOM!

NICE GOING.

COME ON, LET'S GO! UPSTAIRS.

UP, UP, UP, IN YOUR ROOM, RIGHT NOW!

TUBE TOPS AND UNDERWEAR AND MAKEUP AND EARRINGS!

I DON'T KNOW,

I DON'T SEE A PROBLEM WITH THEM GETTIN' EARRINGS.

I'M TAKING YOUR PHONE OUTTA YOUR HOUSE.

NO, NO! HEY, DON'T TOUCH MY TV!

I'M TAKIN' IT OUT! NO!

YES, I WANT ROSES, NO CARNATIONS,

AND I WANT THEM BY SATURDAY. NO CARNATIONS.

ALL RIGHT, CALL ME RIGHT BACK. RIGHT BACK. THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT, DANA, SO WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE LENGTH? WELL, I CAN'T TELL.

GRACIE, STAND UP STRAIGHT AND PUT YOUR ARM DOWN. OH, HONEY.

BUT IF I PUT MY ARM DOWN,

I CAN'T SUCK MY THUMB LIKE A LITTLE BABY.

CAN WE EVEN GO TO THIS WEDDING?

IT IS DURING OUR NAP TIME.

RUBY.

(both imitating crying)

CHERYL. CHERYL, WHERE'S YOUR MAIN ELECTRICAL BOX?

WE NEED MORE POWER. I-I DON'T KNOW. TRY THE GARAGE.

THE GARAGE? OKAY. YES. CHECK THE... ALL RIGHT, ENOUGH, GIRLS, ENOUGH!

UPSTAIRS, DRESSES OFF.

OHH!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM?

THEY'RE MAD 'CAUSE WE WON'T LET THEM GET THEIR EARS PIERCED,

BUT THEY'RE TOO YOUNG.

PIERCED EARS LEAD TO TUBE TOPS AND...

...AND TUBE TOPS LEADS TO SLUTTY UNDERWEAR.

YEAH, EXACTLY. HAVE YOU TOLD THEM TO THINK ABOUT THE POOR KIDS

WHO CAN'T EVEN AFFORD EARS?

OH, MY GOD. I'M MOM.

YEAH.

WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN?

ABOUT FOUR YEARS AGO.

I SAW YOU PUT SUGAR PACKETS IN YOUR PURSE.

(gasps)

GUESS WHO JUST CALLED US? SALLY JACKSON.

I THOUGHT WE TOOK YOUR PHONE OUT OF YOUR ROOM.

DADDY TOOK THE TOY PHONE.

SALLY JUST GOT HER EARS PIERCED,

AND SHE'S A YEAR YOUNGER THAN ME.

SO THE WAY WE SEE IT, YOU'RE WRONG.

MM-HMM.

OH, YEAH?

WELL, HOW WOULD THE TWO OF YOU LIKE TO GO TO BOARDING SCHOOL?

(both) YOU HAVE TO GET UP AT 4:30 IN THE MORNING

AND PEEL POTATOES.

OH, MY GOD. GET HER OUT OF ME. I...

(telephone rings)

(both) COME ON, MOM, WE WANT EARRINGS! WAIT, WAIT. HELLO?

CHERYL. CHERYL, I'M GONNA NEED TO TURN THE POWER OFF.

CHERYL, I'M CUTTIN' THE POWER, OKAY? (both) MOM, PLEASE!

FINE! TAKE THEM TO THE MALL! PIERCE EVERYTHING!

I DON'T CARE! JUST GET OUT! YES, HI.

(electricity crackles)

HELLO... VANCE!

MINE BLED A LITTLE.

BUT AUNT DANA SAID BEAUTY IS PAIN.

OH, WHAT HAVE I DONE?

HOW AM I GONNA TELL JIM?

OH, YOU DON'T HAVE TO. GIRLS, STEALTH MODE.

OH. OH, GOOD, THAT'S GOOD.

NOW CAN YOU WEAR YOUR HAIR LIKE THAT TILL YOU'RE 12?

OKAY, OKAY, GIRLS, YOU HAVE TO PRETEND

THAT YOU'RE STILL MAD AT ME AND DADDY

FOR NOT GETTING YOU EARRINGS, RIGHT?

YOU'RE THE WORST MOM EVER!

WAS THAT GOOD ENOUGH? 'CAUSE I'VE GOT MORE.

OHH.

SEEMS LIKE ONLY YESTERDAY

THEY WERE TOO YOUNG TO TRUST WITH A LIE. OHH.

HELLO, MY YOUNG FAMILY.

HEY, HOW WAS THE PARK?

DADDY'S HORSE WON. HE GOT $200!

YOU DIDN'T SAY WHAT PARK.

I MET A GUY NAMED LEFTY. HE CAN TAKE OUT HIS EYE.

OKAY, KYLE, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

HELLO, MY YOUNG DOVES.

HOW ABOUT A BIG HUG FOR YOUR DADDY?

YEAH, RIGHT.

WE'VE GOTTA GO.

OH, THAT SUCKS.

YEAH. THEY'RE STILL REALLY MAD AT US, BOTH, EQUALLY.

I HATE SEEING THEIR FACES LIKE THAT.

THEY'RE SO ANGRY, IT KILLS ME. (Cheryl) WELL...

YOU KNOW WHAT? I BETTER GO UP THERE AND TALK TO THEM.

(both) NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

GOSH, WON'T IT BE HARDER TO SEE THEM

ON THE BACK OF SOME GUY'S MOTORCYCLE AT AGE 16?

THEIR THONG UNDERWEAR COMIN' RIGHT UP TO THOSE ANGEL TATTOOS?

(gasps)

ANGEL TATTOOS? ON MY ANGELS?

THAT OR THE CHINESE CHARACTER FOR "SLUT."

OKAY, YOU'RE RIGHT. UNITED FRONT. RIGHT.

GOOD PARENTING.

DADDY, LEFTY SAYS THE BULLS ARE AT HOME, PLUS 4!

PLUS 4. THAT'S MATH.

DON'T HANG UP, KYLE! GIMME THE PHONE!

THIS IS MATURE.

YEAH, SUPER-MATURE, LIKE BRITNEY SPEARS!

BRITNEY SPEARS? I SAID MATURE, NOT OLD.

(knock on door)

(Jim) IT'S DADDY!

(both gasp)

(whispers) GO, GO, GO.

HEY.

OH, HI. YEAH, HI.

I-I-I PICKED THESE UP ON THE WAY HOME.

YOU CAN WEAR 'EM AT THE WEDDING.

EARRINGS?

YEAH, I MEAN, THEY'RE CLIP-ONS,

BUT THEY WERE THE VERY BEST THE CAR WASH HAD.

WANT TO TRY 'EM ON?

WE'RE TIRED. MAYBE TOMORROW.

OH, COME ON, HEY, IT'LL JUST TAKE A SECOND.

LET ME PUT 'EM ON YOU. COME ON. LET ME PUT IT ON YOU. NO!

LET ME PUT IT ON YOU, COME ON, PLEASE.

JUST LET ME TRY 'EM ON...

THESE ARE PIERCED EARS.

WHEN DID THAT HAPPEN?

UM, WE WOKE UP THIS MORNING, THEY WERE JUST THERE. AH.

MAYBE IT WAS A BURGLAR.

DADDY, I'M SCARED.

I WANT TO KNOW THE TRUTH.

MOMMY MADE US PROMISE. WE'RE NOT ALLOWED TO TELL YOU.

(Jim inhales and exhales deeply)

MOMMY, HUH?

DADDY, YOUR FACE IS TURNING RED.

THAT'S BECAUSE DADDY'S FILLING UP WITH LOVE FOR YOUR MOMMY.

WELL...

YOU WON'T BE NEEDING THESE, WILL YOU?

I'M GONNA TAKE THESE BACK

AND EXCHANGE THEM FOR A BEADED SEAT COVER

AND A DADDY MAGAZINE.

YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE RIGHT NOW, DADDY NEEDS A LITTLE PAMPERING.

HOW ABOUT NOW? IS THIS MATURE?

IF YOU HAD A TUBE TOP, YOU COULD TOTALLY BUY BEER.

(Dana sniffles)

AWW, LOOK AT YOU.

IT'S GONNA BE A BEAUTIFUL WEDDING, HUH?

NO.

THEN WHY ARE YOU CRYING?

BECAUSE I MARRIED A DOCTOR, BUT HE'S ON CALL

AND NOW EVERYBODY HERE STILL THINKS I'M YOUR DATE.

GET OFF!

HONEY, COME ON, WE DON'T WANT TO KEEP THE GUESTS WAITING.

ALL RIGHT, I JUST WANT TO PUT ON SOME FINISHING TOUCHES

TO MY LOOK.

YOU KNOW, YOU SAY, "NO CARNATIONS,"

AND WHAT DO YOU GET? CAR-FREAKIN'-NATIONS!

YEAH, ON A DAY LIKE TODAY,

YOU WANT EVERYTHING TO BE JUST RIGHT.

OH, YOU HAVE NO IDEA...

WHAT?

OH, MY GOD. DON'T TELL ME THIS CLASHES WITH THE TABLE LINENS.

YOU KNOW, NORMALLY,

I DON'T BELIEVE MEN UNDER THE AGE OF 50

SHOULD HAVE THEIR EARS PIERCED... (snaps fingers)

BUT MY KIDS WERE NAGGIN' ME, AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THOUGHT, "WHAT THE HELL? I'LL JUST GIVE IN."

I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE CHECKED WITH YOU

'CAUSE, YOU KNOW, YOU AND I HAVE A UNITED FRONT.

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS?

VERY EASY... THREE SHOTS OF TEQUILA AND A THUMBTACK. BINK.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, BABY? YOU'RE TURNING A LITTLE RED.

(accordion playing Mendelssohn's "Wedding March")

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, THAT IS THE MUSIC... UH-HUH.

SO... SO I NEED YOU TO LISTEN. OKAY.

YOU JACKASS!

WE HAVE A PHOTOGRAPHER AND GUESTS OUT THERE,

AND I NEED YOU TO TAKE OUT THAT DAMN EARRING!

I'M SORRY. I CAN'T HEAR YOU. SOMETHING'S IN MY EAR!

(music continues)

COME ON, BABY. COME ON. JIM...

WHOA. WHERE'D JIM FIND A PURPLE CHICKEN?

5 BUCKS THIS ENDS IN A FOOD FIGHT.

YEAH, NO BET.

I KNOW THE LOOK HE'S GOIN' FOR,

BUT, UH, QUITE FRANKLY, IT'S READIN' A LITTLE GAY.

I'D AGREE WITH YOU, BUT, UH, THAT'S MY EARRING.

WHY'D YOU STOP WITH THE EAR, JIM?

YOU COULD HAVE PUT THE HOLE ALL THE WAY THROUGH YOUR HEAD.

WELL, MAYBE I DID.

(music ends)

DEARLY BELOVED, WE ARE HERE TO REAFFIRM

AND RENEW A 15-YEAR UNION BEFORE MAN AND GOD.

JIM AND CHERYL HAVE PROMISED

TO HONOR, CHERISH AND LOVE EACH OTHER AS LONG AS THEY LIVE,

AND TODAY, THEY WILL ONCE AGAIN STAND UNITED...

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, REV.

CHERYL, WHEN HE SAYS "UNITED,"

HE MEANS TWO OR MORE PEOPLE ON THE SAME SIDE.

OKAY. UM, CHERYL, DO YOU PROMISE TO HONOR...

I'M SORRY, BY HONOR...

DO YOU MEAN WEARING AN ASININE FEATHERED EARRING

TO EMBARRASS YOUR WIFE?

UH, FINE, SKIPPING HONOR, THEN.

DO... DO... DO YOU PROMISE TO CHERISH EACH OTHER...

(chuckles)

CHERISH?

YOU KNOW WHAT I CHERISH, REV?

YELLING AT MY KIDS OVER ISSUES THAT I DON'T REALLY BELIEVE IN.

DAMN, I WISH I COULD HAVE MADE THEM CRY.

WHAT'S HAPPENING?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT AS SOON AS THIS THING'S OVER,

I'M STUFFIN' MY POCKETS FULL OF SHRIMP

AND GETTIN' THE HELL OUTTA HERE.

ALL RIGHT, TRUST... HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT GOOD, OLD TRUST?

(snickers)

OKAY, YOU KNOW,

THIS MAN TOLD MY DAUGHTER'S TEACHER I WAS ILLITERATE.

HE... HE TOOK MY BROTHER'S SPERM AND CLAIMED IT AS HIS OWN!

(laughs)

THAT... THAT STORY REQUIRES A LITTLE CONTEXT.

COME ON, WRAP IT UP, PADRE.

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU MAN AND WIFE.

YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.

(sighs)

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT MY WIFE CAN KISS.

THANK YOU FOR A CRAPPY WEDDING.

HEY, HEY...

SAME TO YOU!

LET'S POLKA!

(playing polka music)

COUSIN JOANIE, MAY I HAVE THIS DANCE?

I'M CUTTING THE CAKE IN 15 MINUTES,

AND THEN I AM GOING TO GET VERY, VERY DRUNK.

CHERYL, I-I DON'T THINK YOU GET TO BE THE MAD ONE THIS TIME.

I THINK I GET TO BE THE MAD ONE THIS TIME.

WHAT?

THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A SPECIAL DAY,

AND YOU RUINED IT.

WHAT, YOU MEAN THE SPECIAL FLOWERS,

THE SPECIAL APPETIZERS, THE SPECIAL LIGHTING?

THIS WHOLE STUPID PARTY WAS YOUR IDEA.

NO, NO, NO, I THINK MY IDEA... YES!

NO, MY IDEA WAS THE PIZZA BOX WITH THE RING BOX

AND, "HEY, LET'S RENEW OUR VOWS."

A PARTY IS A PRODUCTION.

I-I HAD TO HIRE VANCE, I HAD TO FIND CATERERS,

I HAD TO DO ALL THE FLOWERS.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW TIRED I AM?

HOW MUCH WORK I'VE HAD TO DO?

WHOA, WHOA WHOA, HOLD ON A SECOND,

LISTEN TO WHAT YOU SAID. "HAD TO DO"? YES.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO DO IT, HONEY. YOU WANTED TO DO THAT. OH!

CHERYL, I KNOW YOU, OKAY? LISTEN TO ME.

YOU'VE GOTTA HAVE EVERYTHING PERFECT.

PERFECT, PERFECT, PERFECT, AND LOOK,

WE GOT A HOUSE FULL OF GUESTS,

WE GOT A MILLION FLOWERS OUT THERE,

WE GOT VANCE'S LIGHT LIGHTING AND DESIGN,

AND WE GOT TWO DAUGHTERS WITH PIERCED EARS,

AND WHAT WE DON'T HAVE IS YOU AND ME.

THAT'S WHAT THIS WHOLE THING WAS ABOUT...

OUR MARRIAGE, WHAT WE'RE CELEBRATING, OUR LOVE,

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU GET YOURSELF SO STRESSED OUT

THAT I LOSE YOU.

I MEAN, YOU THROW A HELL OF A PARTY.

I MEAN, YOU WANT TO BE A PARTY PLANNER SOMEWHERE, YOU KNOW...

OH, GOD.

WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT?

YOU FINALLY DO SOMETHING ROMANTIC AND I SCREW IT UP.

OHH, COME ON, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'LL DO SOMETHING ROMANTIC... IN 15 YEARS.

ALL RIGHT, NOW WHAT DO YOU SAY

WE GO BACK IN THERE AND FINISH WHAT WE STARTED?

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

MADELINE ALBRIGHT OR LEO DiCAPRIO?

LEO!

HEY! UM...

IT OCCURRED TO ME THAT I DIDN'T KISS MY BRIDE YET.

(cheers and applause)

THANK YOU, AND AS I DID 15 YEARS AGO,

I'M GONNA CARRY MY BRIDE TO OUR BEDROOM.

AAH!

UH, JIM, WE'RE ALL RIGHT HERE.

YEAH, THAT'S WHY I HIRED THE BAND. PLAY IT LOUD, TONY!

(polka music playing)

(Andy) GET AWAY! GET OFF!