Original subtitles

COME ON!

YOU'RE ONE OF THE HIGHEST PAID PLAYERS IN THE LEAGUE!

HUSTLE! THROW SOME ELBOWS! DRAW SOME BLOOD!

I HATE WOMEN'S BASKETBALL.

WOW.

YOU UNLOADED ALL THOSE GROCERIES ALREADY?

NO, NO. I SUBCONTRACTED THAT JOB OUT.

NO, NO, JIM, NOT THE KIDS.

OF COURSE THE KIDS.

IT'S TIME THEY LEARNED TO RESPECT HARD WORK.

OH...

(Ruby) BOMBS AWAY!

(Jim) CHERYL?

YEAH?

COULD YOU BRING ME A BEER?

YEAH, HONEY.

COMING RIGHT UP.

♪♪♪

HOW MANY MORE ENVELOPES DO WE HAVE TO DO, MOMMY?

ONLY ABOUT 200.

(groans)

REMEMBER, WE'RE HELPING THE HOMELESS.

WHY CAN'T THEY DO THIS FOR THEMSELVES?

IT'S NOT LIKE THEY HAVE JOBS.

DANA...

ALL RIGHT, MAKE WAY.

WE GOT RIBS FROM STEVIE B's.

LOOK AT THIS... ONE MORE PUNCH, CHERYL,

AND WE GET A FREE SUCKLING PIG.

GREAT.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

HUH?

WE GOTTA EAT HERE.

WHY CAN'T YOU DO THIS IN YOUR OFFICE?

JIM, A HALLWAY WITH A WASHING MACHINE

IS NOT AN OFFICE.

WE'RE RAISING MONEY TO BUILD HOUSES FOR THE HOMELESS.

WE GOT A WHOLE SYSTEM SET UP. WE ARE NOT MOVING.

FINE, YOU HELP THE HOMELESS IN HERE,

AND ANDY AND I WILL FEED THE HUNGRY IN THERE.

I ALREADY HAD A HALF A SLAB OF STEVIE B's IN THE CAR,

BUT I THINK I STILL QUALIFY.

SURE.

OH, GREAT. MORE CHARITY STUFF.

WELL, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

WE NEED SOMETHING TO SOAK UP THE GREASE.

DO MY BABY BLUES DECEIVE ME,

OR IS THIS A LETTER FROM "PLAYBOY"?

WHAT?

ADDRESSED TO CHERYL?

YOU ARE ONE LUCKY DOG.

A WIFE WHO READS "PLAYBOY."

SHE DOESN'T READ "PLAYBOY."

WHO DOES?

OH, NO, WAIT A MINUTE.

THIS ISN'T FROM "PLAYBOY" THE MAGAZINE.

IT'S FROM THE PLAYBOY FOUNDATION.

OH, RIGHT, THEY HELP OUT CHARITIES ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.

HOT!

WHY?

IT'S "PLAYBOY."

WOW, IT LOOKS LIKE CHERYL'S BEEN NOMINATED

AS ONE OF THE "WOMEN WHO CARE IN CHICAGO."

OH, FUN, THERE'S AN ESSAY CONTEST.

JIM, IF SHE WINS, SHE GETS HONORED WITH A DINNER

AT THE PLAYBOY MANSION, HOSTED BY HEF HIMSELF.

GIMME THAT!

OH, MY GOD, THAT'S ONE OF MY LIFELONG DREAMS,

IS TO SMOKE A CIGAR WITH HEF!

ACTUALLY, IT'S MY ONLY DREAM NOW THAT I RODE THAT OSTRICH.

WELL, KEEP DREAMING.

THERE'S NO WAY CHERYL'S GONNA ENTER A CONTEST FOR "PLAYBOY."

WE DON'T TELL HER IT'S FOR "PLAYBOY."

WE TELL HER IT'S, UH... I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT'S THE FEMALE EQUIVALENT OF "PLAYBOY"?

WELL, THERE'S OPRAH'S MAG,

GEARED TOWARDS THE URBAN PROFESSIONAL.

THERE'S "COSMO," OF COURSE.

STILL THE STANDARD TO WHICH OTHERS ASPIRE.

AND I GUESS "InStyle." POPULAR, BUT A LITTLE SHALLOW.

I MEAN, HOW WOULD I KNOW?

CHERYL!

HUH?

HEY, CHERYL, CHECK THIS OUT.

UH... "GOOD HOUSEKEEPING" IS HONORING WOMEN

WHO WORK FOR CHARITIES.

ALL YOU GOTTA DO IS WRITE AN ESSAY

ON WHY YOU DO WHAT YOU DO.

OH, NO, THANKS, HONEY. THAT'S NOT REALLY FOR ME.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? UNH-UNH.

COME ON, IF YOU WIN, YOU GET TO GO TO A BLACK TIE EVENT AT...

THE...

THE "GOOD HOUSEKEEPING" CLUB.

YOU MAY EVEN MEET THE HOUSEKEEPER OF THE MONTH.

NO, NO, HONEY,

I DON'T DO MY CHARITY WORK TO GET RECOGNIZED.

MY REWARDS COME FROM THE INSIDE.

I DON'T FOLLOW.

OKAY, UM, OKAY, LIKE IN CHURCH,

I DON'T NEED TO STAND ON THE PEW

AND DROP $5 INTO THE COLLECTION PLATE

ONE QUARTER AT A TIME.

YOU SEE, THAT'S THE BEAUTY OF NICKELS.

FROM A DISTANCE, THEY LOOK LIKE QUARTERS.

CHERYL, COME ON. ONE LITTLE ESSAY.

WELL, THERE GOES YOUR CIGAR WITH HEF.

BUT, HEY, MAYBE YOU CAN SMOKE ONE WITH THE OSTRICH.

OH, NO.

THERE'S GONNA BE A CIGAR WITH HEF.

BECAUSE THERE'S GONNA BE AN ESSAY

WRITTEN BY A WOMAN IN CHICAGO WHO CARES.

AND THAT WOMAN...

IS MOI.

YOU CERTAINLY HAVE THE CHEST FOR IT.

THANK YOU.

OKAY, ANDY, REMEMBER, A WOMAN IS WRITING THIS,

SO THE SPELLING HAS GOT TO BE PERFECT.

OKAY... MY NAME IS CHERYL,

AND I LIKE HELPING PEOPLE.

UM...

I FIRST REALIZED I WAS A NURTURER

WHEN I NOTICED MY OWN BUDDING BREASTS.

WHOA, WHOA.

THE LADIES DON'T TALK LIKE THAT.

NOW HOW WOULD YOU KNOW HOW A WOMAN TALKS?

I SPEND A LOT OF TIME IN FEMALE CHAT ROOMS.

I'M "BARBARA 48DD."

WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU DO, BABS?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW. WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME?

ANDY, DON'T YOU GET IT?

SOMETIMES YOU JUST HELP PEOPLE JUST FOR THE SAKE OF HELPING.

THAT'S GOOD! TYPE THAT!

I'LL TYPE IT WHEN I HEAR MY INVITATION

TO THE PLAYBOY MANSION.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

COME ON, JIM, IF THIS WINS, CHERYL'S NEVER GONNA GO.

TAKE ME WITH YOU.

I WANT TO MEET HEF.

THERE'S BEEN THREE GREAT IDEAS SINCE THE BEGINNING OF MANKIND...

FIRE, THE WHEEL AND "PLAYBOY"!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, YOU CAN GO.

WELL, HELP ME WRITE THIS THING.

OKAY, OKAY, GLADLY. YOU TYPE.

LET ME JUST GET INTO CHERYL'S MIND HERE.

(imitating Cheryl) JIM, STOP IT.

ANDY...

JIM, NOT NOW.

STOP IT!

GO AWAY! STOP IT!

CHILDREN ARE IN THE ROOM! ANDY!

COME ON!

HELLO, I'M CHERYL, AND I'M A TAURUS.

TURN-ONS... KITTENS AND HELPING THE HOMELESS.

TURNOFFS... WAR AND PEOPLE WHO DON'T SAY "THANK YOU."

ANDY! ANDY! WHAT?

SLOW DOWN! THIS IS GOLD!

HERE'S MY MAIL BOY.

CAN I GO PLAY THE RAKING LEAVES GAME?

YOU BET.

BUT, REMEMBER, THE LEAVES DON'T TURN INTO CHOCOLATE

UNLESS YOU GET EVERY ONE OF THEM.

ALL RIGHT.

OOH!

ANDY. LIVING ROOM. NEWS.

FROM THE BUNNY.

THE BUNNY? THE BUNNY.

BUNNY!

COME ON, COME ON, OPEN IT. OPEN IT, I WANNA SEE.

GET OFF ME! GET OFF MY BACK! YOU'RE LIKE A KOALA!

STAY OFF ME!

CHERYL WON!

(gasps) CHERYL WON!

WE WON! WE WON! WE WON!

CIGARS WITH HEF! MY ESSAY WON!

OH, WELL, ACTUALLY, NO.

HAVING YOU WRITE THE ESSAY

I THOUGHT WAS KIND OF SLEAZY AND DISHONEST.

SO I WROTE IT!

CRAP.

OH, COME ON, WHAT DO YOU CARE? YOU STILL GET TO GO!

SWEET!

SWEET, SWEET, SWEET.

HELLO.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

UM...

WHAT'S IT LOOK LIKE?

TWO SILVERBACK GORILLAS FIGHTING OVER A BANANA.

WELL, WE WERE, UH... DANCING.

COME ON, YOU'RE THE ONE

WHO ALWAYS SAYS THAT MEN SHOULD DANCE TOGETHER MORE.

I NEVER SAID THAT.

COME ON, CHERYL, LIKE I'D MAKE THAT UP.

OPEN.

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT, BABY?

YOUR TONGUE'S GETTING DRY. GO GET GRACIE.

CHERYL, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU'RE BEING HONORED

AS ONE OF THE "WOMEN WHO CARE IN CHICAGO"? WHAT?

YEAH, IT SAYS YOU WROTE A WINNING ESSAY.

I DIDN'T WRITE ANY ESSAY.

I CERTAINLY DIDN'T SEND IN

A PICTURE OF MYSELF IN A BIKINI...

AT AGE 20.

(car horn honks)

O-OKAY, OKAY, THAT'S ANDY.

HONEY, I'M GOING BOWLING. GOOD NIGHT. GOTTA GO.

OKAY, SWEETIE. JIM?

YEAH.

DO YOU KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT ME

BEING HONORED AT A BLACK TIE EVENT TONIGHT?

MMM... NO.

HUH.

HEY, CONGRATULATIONS. GOTTA GO.

HEY, THANKS.

(car horn honks)

OKAY.

EITHER ANDY'S WEARING A TUX

OR THERE'S A FAT PENGUIN DRIVING HIS CAR.

YOU KNOW, I'VE HEARD ABOUT THOSE FAT PENGUINS.

OH.

WELL, THEY CAN'T FLY, SO THEY STEAL CARS.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE WE SHOULD INVITE ANDY IN.

YEAH. WHY NOT? SURE.

OKAY. OKAY, GREAT.

NOTHING TO HIDE. COME ON, PLEASE.

(cell phone beeps)

ANDY! ANDY! ANDY, GET OUT OF YOUR TUX!

GET OUT OF YOUR TUX!

(Andy) Who is this?

THIS IS JIM! WHO ELSE DO YOU THINK IT IS?

GET OUT OF YOUR TUX NOW! TAKE IT OFF!

Roger that.

(Cheryl) Get out of that car!

Ow! Ow! Hey!

(Dana) Quit squirming!

Ow! That's my ear.

HEY, JIM.

HEY, ANDY.

YOU READY FOR ELEGANT PANTLESS BOWLING NIGHT?

JUST ABOUT.

JIM, I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHY YOU KEEP TRYING TO TRICK ME.

I ALWAYS SEE THROUGH IT.

YEAH, I'M SEEING THROUGH SOMETHING ELSE.

CAN WE PUT THE PANTS BACK ON?

CHERYL, I JUST THINK THAT, YOU KNOW,

YOU DESERVE TO GET RECOGNITION FOR ALL YOUR GOOD WORKS.

HOW? BY GOING TO A PARTY WITHOUT ME?

WELL, YOU KNOW... YOU'RE SHY.

OH...

WHY WOULD YOU EVEN DO THIS?

WELL, I'M SURE THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT,

BUT THE DINNER'S GONNA BE HELD AT THE PLAYBOY MANSION,

AND IT'S BEING HOSTED BY HUGH HEFNER.

IT IS?

HUGH HEFNER?

IS THAT ONE OF OUR NEW MUSIC STARS?

YOU KNOW WHAT BOTHERS ME THE MOST?

IT'S NOT THIS RIDICULOUS PLAN.

BUT YOU DON'T HAVE THE SLIGHTEST IDEA

WHY I DO WHAT I DO.

FAIR ENOUGH.

BUT, CHERYL, COME ON, THEY'RE GIVING YOU THIS AWARD.

THEY'RE GONNA HONOR YOU.

THERE SHOULD BE SOMEONE THERE TO ACCEPT IT.

OH, MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

I GUESS SOMEONE SHOULD BE THERE.

YES! GET YOUR PANTS, WE'RE GONNA MEET HUGH!

OH, NOT YOU TWO!

ME AND DANA.

WHY DANA?

'CAUSE SHE'S NOT YOU!

HA!

TWO CHICKS? WHAT A WASTE.

WHOO-HOO! I'M GONNA MEET HUGH HEFNER.

BUT THIS DOESN'T EVEN MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU.

NO, BUT IT MEANS SOMETHING TO YOU.

FINE. GO!

I DON'T CARE. WE'LL HANG OUT HERE.

(chuckles)

WE'LL WATCH THE PLAYBOY CHANNEL!

THIS IS SO WRONG.

I'M NOT GONNA LET THEM MEET HEF

WHILE I SIT HERE AND WONDER HOW FAR UP YOU WAXED YOUR LEGS.

BRAZILIAN.

OH... OH, MY GOD. THIS IS FANTASTIC.

I FEEL ALL TINGLY ALL OVER.

THAT'S BECAUSE YOUR TUX IS TOO TIGHT.

OKAY, NOW JUST PRETEND LIKE YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

RIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

NO IDEA. ASK HIM.

WE'RE WITH THE BAND.

THE SOUTH SIDE BOYS' CHOIR?

(high-pitched voice) THAT'S US.

I MAY JUST BE AN $8-AN-HOUR RENT-A-COP,

BUT EVEN I'M NOT BUYING THAT.

$8 AN HOUR?

MM-HMM.

HEY, LOOK, UH...

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE NEXT HALF-HOUR OFF ON ME?

SIR, YOU'RE GONNA NEED TICKETS.

ALL RIGHT.

CAN I HAVE MY 4 BUCKS BACK?

WHAT 4 BUCKS?

HEADS UP! HEADS UP! HEADS UP!

OW!

SO, MOLLY, SO DO YOU WORK FOR THE MAGAZINE OR...?

YOU KNOW, I DID.

I USED TO MODEL, BUT NOW I WORK IN A DOCTOR'S OFFICE.

OH! I JUST MARRIED A DOCTOR. GYNECOLOGIST, ACTUALLY.

OH, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M ACTUALLY LOOKING... NO CHANCE IN HELL, MOLLY.

(gasps) LOOK!

THAT'S MY CIGAR.

THAT'S MY HEF!

RIGHT THIS WAY, EVERYONE.

EXCUSE ME, MRS. POLSON, ARE THESE FOLKS WITH YOU?

YES, THEY'RE GUESTS OF THE UNION STREET MISSION.

THE MISSION. YES, OF COURSE.

RIGHT THIS WAY.

THE MISSION.

(haughty voice) YES, OF COURSE.

JUST A MINUTE, YOU TWO.

IF YOU'RE LOOKING FOR MRS. POLSON,

SHE'S AT TABLE FIVE.

(haggard voice) GOD BLESS YOU, SIR.

(Irish accent) YOU'RE A GOOD LAD.

HEY, COULD YOU SPARE ANYTHING

FOR A COUPLE OF GUYS DOWN ON THEIR LUCK?

SORRY, MAN, I DON'T HAVE ANY SINGLES.

(normal voice) YOU DO, TOO.

I KNOW FOR A FACT THAT...

GOD BLESS YOU, SIR.

THANK YOU.

I MEAN, I'M NOT TRYING TO TELL YOU

HOW TO RUN YOUR MAGAZINE.

NO, I'LL BRING IT UP WITH MY EDITOR.

MAYBE RECIPES ARE A GOOD IDEA.

YEAH, I THINK SO.

MR. HEFNER, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET

TWO OF OUR GUESTS FROM THE MISSION.

WELL, IT'S A PLEASURE.

I HOPE YOU'RE HAVING A GOOD TIME.

OH, YES, ABSOLUTELY. THIS IS A DREAM COME TRUE.

HEY, HEF, LET ME ASK YOU A QUESTION.

WHAT IS YOUR SECRET?

WELL, FOR ME, RULE NUMBER ONE IS NEVER LIE TO A WOMAN.

SAME HERE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WELL, WE'RE HERE TO HONOR YOU, CHERYL, RIGHT?

YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS WOMAN TURNED MY LIFE AROUND, HEF.

BEFORE I MET HER, I WAS COLD AND ALONE,

AND THEN SHE FED ME AND CLOTHED ME AND...

IS THAT A COHIBA?

YES, IT IS.

I'LL GET YOU ONE.

OH, THANKS.

(laughing)

I AM HONESTLY SO STUNNED RIGHT NOW.

I KNOW... HEF'S GETTING ME A CIGAR!

NO! I CAN'T BELIEVE WHAT YOU'LL STOOP TO.

OH, COME ON, I DID THREE WORSE THINGS THIS WEEK.

CHERYL, TONIGHT, JIM GAVE THE CLOTHES OFF HIS BACK

TO A HOBO.

YOU KNOW WHO I THINK SHOULD BE HONORED HERE THIS EVENING?

THIS MAN. ME?

NAY, THIS SAINT.

WHY, THANK YOU.

NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I'M GONNA SEE HOW CHARITABLE THESE GIRLS REALLY ARE.

(Mrs. Polson) LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

IT'S TIME TO MEET TONIGHT'S HONOREES.

OUR FIRST WINNER IS FROM HELP FOR THE HOMELESS.

CHERYL, WOULD YOU COME UP AND READ YOUR ESSAY?

(whispering) HOLY CRAP!

(normal voice) I HAVE TO READ IT?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT... ROOM FULL OF HOMELESS PEOPLE,

OPEN BAR, EASY CROWD... COME ON.

OH, JIM.

GET UP THERE.

ARE YOU OKAY?

THERE MAY BE SOMETHING ALIVE IN MY SHIRT.

I'M FINE.

CHERYL'S ESSAY IS A LITTLE UNUSUAL.

IT WAS WRITTEN BY HER HUSBAND JIM,

BECAUSE, IN HIS WORDS,

SHE WAS TOO MODEST TO DO IT HERSELF.

HEY, HEF...

IS THAT CIGAR COMING ALL THE WAY FROM CUBA?

OH, RIGHT.

YOU PICK. GO RIGHT AHEAD.

WHY, THANK YOU, SIR.

(Cheryl clears throat)

"DO YOU EVER WONDER IF SOME PEOPLE

"ARE JUST BORN WITH A LITTLE EXTRA GOOD INSIDE?

"WELL, THAT'S MY WIFE CHERYL.

"SHE MAKES THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE

"JUST BY BEING IN IT."

AWW.

(whispering) HEF. HEF.

"JUST ASK THE ROBBINS FAMILY FROM THE SOUTH SIDE.

"SIX MONTHS AGO, RAY AND CINDY

"DIDN'T HAVE A ROOF OVER THEIR HEADS,

"AND LITTLE COREY AND ROSIE

"DIDN'T HAVE A PLACE TO GO TO SCHOOL.

"NOW THEY DO.

"BECAUSE CHERYL RAN BAKE SALES AND CAR WASHES

"AND STUFFED ENVELOPES AND MADE PHONE CALLS

"UNTIL SHE RAISED ENOUGH MONEY TO HELP THEM.

"AND SHE DIDN'T JUST GIVE THE FAMILY A HOUSE.

"SHE GAVE THEM HOPE.

"AND I CAN TELL YOU THE SAME STORY

"ABOUT THE GARCIA FAMILY OR THE FRANKLIN FAMILY

"OR EVEN MY FAMILY.

"WITH ALL HER CHARITY WORK,

"CHERYL STILL HAS ROOM IN THAT BIG, BEAUTIFUL HEART

"TO TAKE CARE OF HER THREE CHILDREN.

"FOUR, IF YOU INCLUDE ME."

"YOU'D THINK SHE'D WANT CREDIT FOR EVERYTHING SHE DOES.

"NOT CHERYL.

"SHE SAYS HER REWARDS COME FROM THE INSIDE.

"THERE'S A WORD FOR SOMEONE LIKE THAT...

"ANGEL."

(mouthing) TURN IT OVER.

"PLEASE FORWARD THIS ON TO THE PEOPLE AT THE CONTEST.

"I REALLY WANT TO MEET HEF."

"IF HONORABLE MENTION IS A SUBSCRIPTION TO THE MAGAZINE,

"THAT'S COOL, TOO."

SHE'S QUITE A WOMAN.

YEAH, YOU'D THINK HER HUSBAND WOULD BE HERE.

WELL, HE'S, UH, HE'S PROBABLY IN SURGERY.

HE'S A WORLD RENOWNED DOCTOR.

HEY, MATCH ME, WOULD YOU?

AHH... IT'S A NEW DETERGENT. I THINK I'M ALLERGIC.

OW...

I'M JUST SO SICK OF ALL THE HUNKY GUYS IN TOWN.

OH, I'D LOVE JUST ONCE TO GO OUT WITH SOMEBODY SMART.

LIKE MAYBE AN ARCHITECT.

HEY... HEY, I'M AN ARCHITECT.

I WENT TO STANFORD, I SWEAR.

NO, I OWN MY OWN HOME.

HONEST TO GOD!

(laughs)

NICE JOB, LADIES.

OKAY, NOW IN 20 MINUTES, WALK BY AND SAY

YOUR FANTASY IS A LARGE MAN WITH TWO SISTERS

'CAUSE GUYS LIKE THAT REALLY UNDERSTAND WOMEN.

♪♪♪

HONEY, THAT ESSAY WAS BEAUTIFUL.

WELL, THANK YOU, HONEY.

EVEN IF YOU DID WRITE IT JUST TO MEET HEF.

WELL, THAT'S THE THING, YOU SEE.

I DON'T REALLY GET MY REWARDS FROM THE INSIDE.

NOW TELL ME. THE TRUTH. I GOTTA KNOW.

GETTING A LITTLE CREDIT FEELS GOOD?

YEAH, IT REALLY DOES.

OH, GOOD. I KNEW IT.

AND, YOU KNOW, SINCE YOU KNOW ME SO WELL...

MM-HMM.

YOU PROBABLY KNOW HOW MUCH IT WOULD MEAN TO ME

IF YOU WOULD HELP OUT AT THE SOUP KITCHEN NEXT WEEK.

ABSOLUTELY. REALLY?

GLAD TO DO IT. SURE, SURE.

I LEARNED THAT IT'S NOT ABOUT WHAT I GET,

IT'S ABOUT HELPING OTHERS.

WOW.

WHAT'S THE SOUP?

WOW, CHERYL, THE GIVING NEVER STOPS.