Original subtitles

PREVIOUSLY ON "ACCORDING TO JIM"...

I HAVE A ROMANTIC ACE IN THE HOLE RIGHT HERE.

IS THAT THE TAPE?

THE MIX TAPE

THAT CHERYL MADE FOR ME ON OUR THIRD DATE.

AND OVER THE YEARS,

THIS TAPE BECAME THE SOUNDTRACK

FOR OUR FAIRY TALE LIVES.

REMEMBER THIS?

OH, MY GOD! JIM, IS THAT OUR MIX TAPE?

YEAH! THIS IS AMAZING!

LET'S HEAR IT.

OH, HONEY, THAT'S JUST CD. WE DON'T HAVE A TAPE DECK.

I HAD IT MADE INTO A CD.

IT JUST BOOSTED ALL THE LEVELS.

IT SOUNDS REALLY CLEAR.

(Man) I LOVE YOU, CHERYL.

THAT'S MY EX-BOYFRIEND CHAD.

WHY IS CHAD ON A MIX TAPE YOU MADE FOR JIM?

BECAUSE I DIDN'T MAKE IT FOR JIM.

CHAD MADE IT FOR ME.

♪♪♪

WHY DID YOU GIVE JIM A MIX TAPE

THAT YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND MADE FOR YOU?

I DIDN'T. JIM CAME TO PICK ME UP FOR A DATE,

AND IT WAS JUST SITTING THERE.

"BLUES FOR MY BABY"?

WOW. ALBERT COLLINS.

DELBERT McCLINTON.

ETTA JAMES?

CHERYL, THIS IS THE NICEST THING ANYONE'S EVER MADE FOR ME.

THANK YOU.

YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN THE LOOK ON HIS FACE.

IT REALLY TOUCHED ME.

THE LOOK ON HIS FACE?

CHERYL, COULDN'T YOU JUST GET A HOUSE FULL OF CATS?

THEY MAKE FACES, AND THEY'RE CLEAN.

DANA, SERIOUSLY.

I SAW SOMETHING IN JIM I HADN'T SEEN BEFORE.

I COULDN'T TELL HIM CHAD MADE THE TAPE FOR ME.

HE WOULD HAVE FELT AWFUL.

WELL, NOT AS AWFUL AS HE'S GONNA FEEL

WHEN HE HEARS THE NEW BONUS TRACK...

(imitating Chad) "I WUV YOU, CHEWYL."

YEAH, I DATED ELMER FUDD. WE HUNTED WABBITS.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

GAS TANK FULL IN THE MINIVAN?

I'M NOT RUNNING AWAY.

ARE YOU SURE, CHERYL?

WOMEN WITH HUSBANDS A LOT BETTER THAN YOURS DO IT EVERY DAY.

EVEN SO...

OHH.

ALL RIGHT. HOW ABOUT THIS?

OOPS. BLENDER ACCIDENT.

HOW IS IT THAT YOU AND JIM DON'T GET ALONG?

JIM, SOMETHING HORRIBLE HAPPENED.

HONEY, I LIT A MATCH.

WELL, I WAS MAKING YOU A SMOOTHIE,

AND THE CD FELL IN THE BLENDER.

IT'S RUINED FOREVER.

OH, BABY, DON'T YOU WORRY ABOUT THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT COST THE SAME AMOUNT OF MONEY TO MAKE ONE COPY OF THE CD

AS IT WAS TO MAKE 50.

SO I MADE 50, I SOLD ONE TO ANDY,

AND THE WHOLE THING PAID FOR ITSELF.

WOW. 50 COPIES, HUH?

WOW, YOU REALLY THOUGHT OF EVERYTHING.

YOUR MAN IS A GENIUS.

NOW WHERE WERE WE? AH, YES.

WE WERE TALKING ABOUT ROMANCE.

(music playing)

SHALL WE CONTINUE?

WE SHALL.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. YOU KNOW WHAT?

THIS IS A VERY SPECIAL NIGHT.

I WANT TO DANCE.

OKAY, HONEY.

IT'S JUST... I FEEL LIKE THE MUSIC'S TOO LOUD.

WHOA!

HONEY, IT HAS TO BE.

REMEMBER LAST WEEK?

KYLE THOUGHT WE HAD A BEAR LIVING IN HERE.

OHH! (laughs)

AND DIP.

CHERYL.

CHERYL, COME ON! YOU ARE HARD TO HANDLE.

OH! (laughs) YOU KNOW WHAT, HONEY?

I CAN'T WAIT ANY LONGER! TAKE ME NOW!

OH, HONEY, THAT IS TOO LOW. I'M GONNA HEAR MY KNEE CREAK.

(raises volume)

OH, CHERYL. YOU KNOW WHAT?

I SHOULD SAY THIS MORE OFTEN, BUT...

(Chad) I LOVE YOU, CHERYL.

I LOVE YOU, TOO, JIM.

WHAT WAS THAT?

WELL, YOU SAID "I LOVE YOU, CHERYL,"

AND I SAID "I LOVE YOU, TOO."

I DIDN'T SAY "I LOVE YOU, CHERYL."

WHAT? WHY NOT?

DON'T YOU LOVE ME?

NOW I'M UPSET.

CHERYL, I DID NOT SAY "I LOVE YOU, CHERYL."

THAT WASN'T ME.

WELL, DO YOU WANT TO ARGUE, OR DO YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX?

MMM.

SEX.

WAIT A MINUTE!

I AM SURE THAT WASN'T ME SAYING "I LOVE YOU, CHERYL."

(Chad) I LOVE YOU, CHERYL.

I LOVE YOU, CHERYL.

...CHERYL.

OKAY, UM, AHEM.

YOU KNOW HOW THEY SAY EVERY TIME YOU LAUGH,

IT ADDS SEVEN MINUTES TO YOUR LIFE?

WELL, THIS IS GONNA ADD, LIKE, TWO WEEKS.

THAT VOICE ON THE TAPE? IT WAS MY EX-BOYFRIEND CHAD.

(laughing) 'CAUSE... 'CAUSE...

WAIT. 'CAUSE I DIDN'T MAKE THAT TAPE FOR YOU.

CHAD MADE IT FOR ME.

(forced laughter)

HONEY, IT DOESN'T WORK IF YOU KEEP ALL THOSE LAUGHS INSIDE.

COME ON!

CHERYL, BUT YOU GAVE ME THIS TAPE.

NO. ACTUALLY, YOU FOUND IT AND ASSUMED IT WAS FOR YOU.

NOW LET'S HAVE A GOOD LAUGH, THEN GO HAVE SEX.

OH, OH! I KNOW. AND A SANDWICH.

CHERYL, OUR WHOLE LIVES HAVE BEEN CENTERED AROUND THIS TAPE,

EVERY SPECIAL MOMENT.

AND NOW YOU'RE TELLING ME THIS TAPE IS A LIE?

WHAT ELSE IN OUR LIFE IS A LIE?

THE CHILDREN... ARE THEY MINE?

I KNEW THEY WERE TOO GOOD-LOOKING.

JIM, I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU ABOUT THE TAPE,

BUT YOU LOVED IT SO MUCH.

AND YOU KNOW, THE MORE WE LISTENED TO IT,

THE MORE IT REALLY DID BECOME OUR TAPE.

PLEASE BELIEVE ME.

I'D LIKE TO BELIEVE YOU... IF I KNEW WHO YOU WERE!

JIM!

SERIOUSLY, CHERYL, FOR ALL I KNOW,

YOU COULD BE REPORTING OUR WHOLE LIFE TO YOUR HANDLER IN MOSCOW.

I AM NOT A COMMUNIST SPY.

OH, RIGHT... CONRAD.

IT'S COMRADE.

AHA! YOU TELL MOTHER RUSSIA

I'M JUST A LITTLE TOO SMART FOR HER.

DID YOU EVEN LISTEN TO YOURSELF?

JIM, NOW... OH, COME ON, HONEY.

CAN'T WE JUST FORGET THIS AND RESUME A ROMANTIC EVENING?

CHERYL, I WILL BE IN THE BACKYARD

DESTROYING THESE CDs.

THE DREAM IS DEAD.

OH... MY... GOD.

THERE NEVER WAS A SMOOTHIE, WAS THERE?

(playing blues)

SOUNDED PRETTY GOOD.

YEAH, WE SOUNDED PRETTY GOOD.

YOU STOPPED SINGING HALFWAY THROUGH

AND JUST STARED AT YOUR SHOES.

IT'S A BLUES SONG. I GOT DEPRESSED.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANT TO PLAY NEXT?

HOW ABOUT "IF YOU LOVE ME LIKE YOU SAY"?

PICK ANOTHER SONG.

UM, WHAT ABOUT "I WANT YOUR LOVE"?

LET'S TRY ANOTHER ONE.

HOW ABOUT "I'M WITH YOU"?

LET'S JUST PICK ANOTHER DAMN SONG!

OH, I GET IT.

THOSE SONGS MAKE YOU MISS CHAD.

I TOLD YOU THAT IN CONFIDENCE.

YEAH, I KNOW, BUT THEY'RE YOUR FRIENDS, JIM.

I THOUGHT THEY MIGHT HEAL YOUR PAIN.

ALSO I THOUGHT IT'D BE REALLY FUNNY.

COME ON, WHAT DOES IT MATTER WHO MADE SOME STUPID MIX TAPE?

I DON'T KNOW, GUYS.

JIM, IF I MAY...

MAN, THIS IS JUST LIKE "FLASHDANCE."

FLASHDANCE GETS INTO A BIG BALLET COMPANY,

AND THEN SHE REALIZES IT'S ALL BECAUSE

HER RICH BOYFRIEND PULLED SOME STRINGS.

IS THAT IT, JIM?

IS IT LIKE "FLASHDANCE"?

KIND OF.

WHAT DID FLASHDANCE DO?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT SHE DID.

SHE PUT ON SOME LEG WARMERS AND DANCED HER HEART OUT.

THERE YOU GO, JIM, THE ANSWER TO YOUR PROBLEMS.

OH, COME ON.

GO AHEAD, JIM. BE A MANIAC.

YOU GUYS AREN'T HELPING ME AT ALL!

KNOCK IT OFF! COME ON!

JIM, YOU CAN'T EXPECT US NOT TO LAUGH AT THIS STORY.

YOU DON'T KNOW THE WHOLE STORY.

NEITHER DOES CHERYL.

AND I'M GONNA TELL HER.

ANDY, THE DOOR.

WHAT A FEELING!

CHERYL? WE NEED TO TALK.

I KNOW, HONEY. I SHOULD HAVE TOLD YOU ABOUT THE TAPE.

NO, NO, NO. STOP RIGHT THERE.

THERE'S SOMETHING I'VE BEEN WANTING TO GET OFF MY CHEST.

I WAS HOPING I'D NEVER HAVE TO TELL YOU,

BUT THERE'S ANOTHER REASON THAT TAPE IS IMPORTANT TO ME.

WHOO!

PARTY!

OKAY. SUZY, SIT DOWN. SIT DOWN.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK. YOU SIT TIGHT, ALL RIGHT?

I GOTTA GO TALK TO THIS CHICK CHERYL FOR A SECOND.

HEY, WHAT'S A SENSITIVE WAY OF SAYING

"I'M DUMPING YOU 'CAUSE YOU WON'T PUT OUT"?

I WOULDN'T KNOW.

OF COURSE YOU WOULDN'T.

THAT'S WHY YOU'RE HERE.

HEY.

(imitating Jack Nicholson as The Joker)

WAIT'LL THEY GET A LOAD OF ME.

WHAT?

THE JOKER FROM "BATMAN." DON'T YOU GET IT?

OH, RIGHT. IT'S HILARIOUS.

HEY, MR. QUEENIE.

FEENEY.

FEENEY.

I REALLY LOVE CATS.

HEY, CHERYL, I WAS THINKING...

ME TOO.

(music playing)

IS THAT ETTA JAMES PLAYING?

OH, IT'S A MIX TAPE.

IF IT WEREN'T FOR THAT TAPE, I WOULD HAVE SAID "I'M THINKING

"WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE WHO AREN'T EACH OTHER.

"HASTA LA VISTA, BABY."

YOU WERE GONNA DUMP ME?

YEAH.

I MEAN, I FIGURED WE'D PART AS FRIENDS

AND LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN

FOR A 2 A.M. BOOTY CALL, YOU KNOW?

WOW.

WOW, YEAH.

WELL, I JUST THOUGHT

YOU DESERVED TO KNOW THE WHOLE STORY.

NO MORE SECRETS.

RIGHT. GOOD.

YOU KNOW, UM, AS LONG AS WE'RE BEING HONEST,

THERE'S SOMETHING YOU SHOULD KNOW.

OKAY, HOW'S THAT?

I THINK IT NEEDS TO BE HIGHER.

I WANT TO LOOK JUST LIKE DEBBIE GIBSON.

WELL, YOU CAN HAVE HER PONYTAIL,

BUT ONLY GOD HANDS OUT THAT KIND OF TALENT.

OH, I CAN'T WAIT FOR HER SECOND ALBUM.

CAN WE GO ALREADY?

WRESTLEMANIA II STARTS IN LESS THAN AN HOUR,

AND THIS HULKAMANIAC DOESN'T WANT TO BE

IN THE BACK OF THE LINE WITH ALL THE LOSERS.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, YOU GUYS SHOULD PROBABLY GO ANYWAY,

'CAUSE JIM'S GONNA BE HERE TO PICK ME UP SOON.

OH, RELAX, CHERYL. IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE GONNA BE

HANGING AROUND YOU THE REST OF OUR LIVES.

(imitating Hulk Hogan) WHAT YOU GONNA DO, BROTHER?

HUH? WHAT YOU GONNA DO

WHEN THE LARGEST ARMS IN THE WORLD GO WILD ON YOU?

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE BACK STAIRS?

WANT ME TO SHOW YOU THE ATOMIC LEG DROP?

DON'T TOUCH ME!

DON'T WORRY, MR. FEENEY. ONE DAY I'LL GET MARRIED

AND TAKE YOU AWAY FROM THOSE TWO.

(telephone ringing)

HELLO? OH, HEY, MOM.

NOTHING. I'M JUST WAITING FOR THAT GUY JIM TO PICK ME UP.

I DON'T KNOW. PROBABLY BACK TO THE ARCADE TO PLAY FROGGER.

YEAH, I KNOW. I'M BREAKING UP WITH HIM TONIGHT.

HE'S CUTE,

BUT I JUST REALLY WANT A GUY WITH MORE DEPTH, YOU KNOW?

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA. I'M TOTALLY GONNA GIVE HIM DANA'S NUMBER.

(knock on door)

OKAY, I GOTTA GO. OKAY. BYE-BYE.

EXCUSE ME, MR. FEENEY.

(Cheryl) I REALLY THOUGHT I WAS GONNA BREAK UP WITH YOU,

BUT I JUST WASN'T SURE.

HEY.

WAIT'LL THEY GET A LOAD OF ME.

(Cheryl) I KNEW I WAS MAKING THE RIGHT DECISION

WHEN YOU DID THE WHOLE "BATMAN" THING.

BUT THEN YOU FOUND THE TAPE,

AND I SAW A WHOLE NEW SIDE OF YOU.

I MEAN, THE WAY YOU TALKED ABOUT MUSIC MADE ME REALIZE

THERE WAS A DEPTH TO YOU I JUST HADN'T SEEN BEFORE.

THIS MUSIC IS SO GREAT.

I MEAN, THIS IS POWERFUL AND SEXY AND PASSIONATE AND...

IT'S HONEST, IT'S RAW, IT'S PAINFUL, IT'S HUMOROUS.

IT'S JUST... WHEN I LISTEN TO IT,

I JUST FEEL IT ALL THROUGH MY BODY.

I CAN'T TELL YOU WHAT THIS MEANS TO ME.

I STARTED THINKING "I'M NOT GONNA DUMP THIS GUY.

"I'M GONNA FALL FOR THIS GUY."

AND I DID.

KEEP THOSE LIPS AWAY FROM ME, JEZEBEL!

WHAT'S WRONG?

YOU WERE GONNA DUMP ME?

WELL, YOU WERE GONNA DUMP ME, TOO, REMEMBER?

I WAS LYING!

HEY, TONY! GUESS WHERE I'M CALLING YOU FROM.

THE CAR.

YEAH, ON MY NEW CELL-U-LAR PHONE.

HEY, LISTEN, I'M NOT GONNA MAKE BAND PRACTICE TONIGHT.

I GOT A DATE WITH CHERYL.

I KNOW. I KNOW THE BAND IS ON THE BRINK OF GREATNESS,

BUT CHERYL'S A STONE-COLD FOX.

YEAH. WELL, I JUST HOPE SHE'S AS INTO IT AS I AM.

WHAT? OH, THAT'S HYSTERICAL!

YEAH, I'LL USE IT.

WAIT'LL THEY GET A LOAD OF ME.

YEAH. YEAH, THAT'S GONNA KILL.

YOUR FEELINGS GET HURT,

SO YOU MAKE SOMETHING UP TO MAKE ME FEEL BAD?

I WASN'T TRYING TO MAKE YOU FEEL BAD, CHERYL.

I WAS TRYING TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BETTER.

WELL, NOW WE BOTH FEEL BAD. ARE WE EVEN?

WELL, TECHNICALLY...

YOU LIED ABOUT THE TAPE, AND THEN YOU WERE GONNA DUMP ME.

SO YOU'RE AHEAD, TWO TO ONE.

YOU DIDN'T STOP DOIN' THAT BATMAN THING FOR FIVE YEARS.

TRUST ME. WE'RE EVEN.

WAIT'LL THEY GET A LOAD OF ME.

YOU'RE NUTS. THAT'S FUNNY.

HEY.

HEY.

WHATCHA READIN'?

"THE SECRET LIFE OF BEES."

OH, GOOD.

SOMEBODY'S GOTTA KEEP AN EYE ON THOSE BEES.

THEM AND THE DOLPHINS.

THEY'RE ALWAYS SMILIN' LIKE THEY KNOW SOMETHIN'.

MAYBE THEY'RE COMMUNIST SPIES, JIM.

OH, CHERYL.

CHERYL...

UH, LOOK...

MAKING UP THAT STORY ABOUT DUMPING YOU

WAS A ROTTEN THING TO DO.

BUT I NEED SOME HELP HERE, CHERYL.

I'M STUCK. I CAN'T GET OUT OF THIS.

THIS THING ABOUT CHAD AND THIS TAPE AND...

JIM, THAT TAPE'S NOT IMPORTANT NOW.

WHAT'S IMPORTANT IS YOU AND ME AND THE LIFE WE BUILT TOGETHER.

I KNOW, I KNOW, BUT EVER SINCE WE STARTED DATING,

I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU WERE AS HOT FOR ME AS I WAS FOR YOU.

AND I HAD A MIX TAPE OF LOVE SONGS TO PROVE IT.

AND NOW, THE PROOF IS JUST A LIE.

OH, HONEY, I MEAN,

IS IT REALLY A LIE, OR...

IS IT JUST TWO PEOPLE TRYING TO MAKE A CONNECTION?

SO I TOLD YOU I MADE YOU THAT TAPE.

I ALSO TOLD YOU I LIKE SPORTS.

THAT'S TRUE.

AND I TOLD YOU I LOVE CATS.

AND I ALSO SAID THAT I WANTED

TO GET TO KNOW YOU BETTER BEFORE WE SLEPT TOGETHER.

(laughs)

OH, HONEY.

OH, IF I COULD GO BACK IN TIME

AND MAKE THAT TAPE FOR YOU, I WOULD.

WE JUST CAN'T CHANGE THE PAST.

I KNOW. I KNOW I'M BEING RIDICULOUS.

IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.

WE LOVE EACH OTHER, AND OUR MARRIAGE IS PERFECT.

IT REALLY IS.

EXCEPT FOR THAT DAMN MIX TAPE WITH CHAD!

YOU ARE NOT GONNA LET THIS GO, ARE YOU?

I WANT TO. IF I COULD, I WOULD, HONEY,

BUT, YOU KNOW, MY MIND WON'T LET ME LET IT GO,

AND MY HANDS ARE TIED.

CAN'T GET IN THERE.

GOD, JIM, IT WAS SO LONG AGO.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

IT WAS A REALLY LONG TIME AGO.

I MEAN, IT WAS SO LONG AGO,

I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF WE'RE REMEMBERING IT RIGHT.

REALLY?

YEAH, I MEAN, NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT,

IT REALLY BUGGED ME THAT YOU WENT ON AND ON

ABOUT THAT STUPID TAPE, AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE

THE PURPLE SWEATER I WORE JUST FOR YOU.

WHAT PURPLE SWEATER?

THE ONE I WORE ON OUR FIRST DATE.

AND YOU REALLY, REALLY LIKED IT,

SO I WORE IT THAT NIGHT ESPECIALLY FOR YOU.

I DON'T REMEMBER ANY PURPLE SWEATER.

OKAY. OKAY.

DO YOU REMEMBER STARING AT MY BOOBS?

I DIDN'T THINK YOU NOTICED.

YEAH. CAN YOU GO BACK AND PICTURE THEM?

OH, PURPLE SWEATER!

RIGHT!

RIGHT, AND I WORE IT THAT NIGHT BECAUSE...

BECAUSE YOU WERE AS HOT FOR ME AS I WAS FOR YOU.

YES.

SO IT WASN'T ABOUT THE TAPE AT ALL.

HONEY, THE TAPE WAS JUST BACKGROUND MUSIC

FOR THE SWEATER.

RIGHT. THE PURPLE SWEATER.

I'M BLOWN AWAY.

NO ONE'S EVER GOTTEN ME BEFORE.

THANK YOU.

YOU WANNA DANCE?

WELL, AREN'T WE GOIN' OUT?

IT CAN WAIT.

I LIKE THE SWEATER STORY.

WELL, IT IS THE BEGINNING

OF OUR FAIRY-TALE LIFE TOGETHER.

THAT'S A GOOD SWEATER.

YEAH.

IT GOT ME A HUSBAND, AND IT WAS INCREDIBLY WARM.

WE GOTTA GET ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE.

WHERE DID YOU GET IT?

UM... OH.

OH, MY GOD, CHAD, IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

I LOVE YOU, CHERYL.

YOU KNOW,

I'LL NEVER GET TIRED OF HEARING THAT.

MY MOM GAVE IT TO ME. OH.

REMIND ME TO THANK HER.

YEAH, DON'T BOTHER.

NO? NO.`