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1
00:00:00,834 --> 00:00:03,271
COME ON, GIRLS.
WE'RE GONNA BE LATE.
2
00:00:03,304 --> 00:00:05,606
COME ON,
COME ON, COME ON.
3
00:00:07,308 --> 00:00:09,077
OOPS.
4
00:00:10,244 --> 00:00:12,180
HONEY, YOU WANNA
DO SOMETHING ABOUT THAT?
5
00:00:12,213 --> 00:00:14,782
GEE, HONEY, YOU'LL BE BACK
IN 20 MINUTES.
6
00:00:14,815 --> 00:00:16,350
JIM.
7
00:00:30,298 --> 00:00:32,366
YOU GOT 20 MINUTES.
EAT UP.
8
00:00:37,838 --> 00:00:41,275
IT WAS A LOT CUTER
EIGHT YEARS AGO.
9
00:00:41,309 --> 00:00:44,312
♪♪♪
10
00:00:51,819 --> 00:00:54,122
YES!
IT'S DANA!
11
00:00:54,155 --> 00:00:57,658
JIM, JIM,
DANA AND RYAN ARE HERE.
12
00:00:57,691 --> 00:01:00,261
OH, GREAT, HONEY.
THANKS FOR THE HEADS-UP.
13
00:01:00,294 --> 00:01:03,331
I'LL BE IN THE GARAGE.
JIM!
14
00:01:03,364 --> 00:01:05,633
NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?
TELL 'EM I'M IN BED.
15
00:01:05,666 --> 00:01:08,602
BETTER YET, TELL
'EM I'M DEAD. JIM!
16
00:01:08,636 --> 00:01:10,838
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
MY SISTER'S BEEN BACK
17
00:01:10,871 --> 00:01:12,840
SINCE THEY MOVED
TO CALIFORNIA.
18
00:01:12,873 --> 00:01:15,809
WOULD IT KILL YOU TO ACT EXCITED?
CHERYL, YOU KNOW WHO YOU MARRIED.
19
00:01:15,843 --> 00:01:18,346
UNLESS IT'S ABOUT SPORTS,
STEAKS OR FIREWORKS,
20
00:01:18,379 --> 00:01:20,148
I DON'T GET EXCITED.
OH.
21
00:01:20,181 --> 00:01:22,316
OH! HI!
HI!
22
00:01:22,350 --> 00:01:24,618
HELLO, HELLO, MWAH! OH!
23
00:01:24,652 --> 00:01:25,886
HEY, JIMMY!
24
00:01:25,919 --> 00:01:28,622
HEY, RYAN!
25
00:01:28,656 --> 00:01:30,324
DANA.
26
00:01:30,358 --> 00:01:33,161
JIM.
27
00:01:33,194 --> 00:01:36,897
(exhales deeply) OKAY,
I GUESS WE'RE DONE HERE, RIGHT?
28
00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:39,133
STOP IT! COME, SIT DOWN,
RELAX. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
29
00:01:39,167 --> 00:01:41,835
(singsong voice) WE HAVE
SOME VERY BIG NEWS FIRST.
30
00:01:41,869 --> 00:01:44,605
(singsong voice) MANDY AND I
HAVE SOME VERY BIG NEWS.
31
00:01:44,638 --> 00:01:47,541
OH. HEY, DANA. HEY,
ANDY, MY NEWS FIRST.
32
00:01:47,575 --> 00:01:50,544
NO, NO, NO, NO. MY NEWS
FIRST. WELL, WHAT'S THE NEWS?
33
00:01:50,578 --> 00:01:53,914
COME ON. YOU FINALLY GOT A GIRL
TO GO ON A SECOND DATE WITH YOU,
34
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:56,317
SO YOU GOT ENGAGED...
OH, AND WE'RE SO EXCITED!
35
00:01:56,350 --> 00:01:58,186
DANA COULDN'T LOSE
HER BABY WEIGHT,
36
00:01:58,219 --> 00:02:00,254
SO SHE GOT PREGNANT.
37
00:02:00,288 --> 00:02:02,623
AND I'M GOING TO THE GARAGE.
38
00:02:02,656 --> 00:02:04,625
STOP IT!
THIS IS GREAT NEWS.
39
00:02:04,658 --> 00:02:07,528
WOULD YOU JUST ACT EXCITED?
FINE, FINE, FINE!
40
00:02:07,561 --> 00:02:08,929
I'M EXCITED, I'M EXCITED.
41
00:02:08,962 --> 00:02:10,564
I AM SO EXCITED!
42
00:02:10,598 --> 00:02:12,666
OH, WHEN ARE YOU DUE?
43
00:02:12,700 --> 00:02:15,669
OH, DO YOU HAVE A DATE SET YET?
IS IT A BOY OR A GIRL?
44
00:02:15,703 --> 00:02:18,272
DON'T YOU GO WEDDING DRESS
SHOPPING WITHOUT ME!
45
00:02:18,306 --> 00:02:20,941
OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD,
OH, MY GOD, OH, MY GOD!
46
00:02:20,974 --> 00:02:23,577
I'M SO EXCITED!
47
00:02:23,611 --> 00:02:25,213
HOW'S THAT?
48
00:02:25,246 --> 00:02:27,915
HEY... RYAN.
49
00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:31,151
(indistinct conversations)
50
00:02:32,886 --> 00:02:35,323
(chokes)
51
00:02:35,356 --> 00:02:36,590
(muttering)
52
00:02:36,624 --> 00:02:38,326
(indistinct conversations
continue)
53
00:02:38,359 --> 00:02:40,328
(grunts)
54
00:02:40,361 --> 00:02:42,863
(coughs)
55
00:02:42,896 --> 00:02:45,566
I THINK JIM WANTS
TO PLAY CHARADES.
56
00:02:47,768 --> 00:02:50,671
CHERYL, I THINK
HE'S CHOKING. WHAT?
57
00:02:50,704 --> 00:02:52,673
OH, MY GOD! JIM!
(Jim coughing)
58
00:02:52,706 --> 00:02:54,775
JIM, JIM, ARE YOU OKAY?
59
00:02:54,808 --> 00:02:56,244
JIM!
JIM!
60
00:02:56,277 --> 00:02:57,645
SAY SOMETHING!
COME ON, MAN!
61
00:02:57,678 --> 00:02:59,647
(Jim coughing, harp playing)
62
00:02:59,680 --> 00:03:03,251
WHERE AM I?
63
00:03:03,284 --> 00:03:05,319
CHERYL?
64
00:03:05,353 --> 00:03:07,521
I THINK SOMETHING'S BURNIN'.
65
00:03:07,555 --> 00:03:10,558
(engine rumbling)
66
00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:14,228
DANNY!
67
00:03:14,262 --> 00:03:16,230
DANNY!
68
00:03:16,264 --> 00:03:18,766
OH, DANNY,
THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE, MAN.
69
00:03:18,799 --> 00:03:20,301
UH, YOU'VE GOTTA
GIVE ME A RIDE HOME.
70
00:03:20,334 --> 00:03:23,804
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, HOLD ON A SECOND.
ALL RIGHT, I KNOW YOU DON'T LIKE IT
71
00:03:23,837 --> 00:03:25,939
WHEN I HUG YOU
AROUND THE WAIST,
72
00:03:25,973 --> 00:03:28,942
SO I'LL PUT MY HANDS ON YOUR
SHOULDERS. (chuckles) NO, LISTEN, MAN.
73
00:03:28,976 --> 00:03:32,646
I GOT SOME GOOD NEWS AND SOME BAD NEWS FOR
YOU. GREAT, GREAT, WHAT'S THE GOOD NEWS?
74
00:03:32,680 --> 00:03:35,649
WE'RE GONNA BE HANGING OUT
TOGETHER ALL THE TIME!
75
00:03:35,683 --> 00:03:38,486
YES! WHAT'S THE BAD NEWS?
76
00:03:38,519 --> 00:03:40,020
WE'RE DEAD.
77
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:41,855
DEAD?
78
00:03:41,889 --> 00:03:44,458
DANNY, I-I WAS HAVING
THIS GREAT YEAR,
79
00:03:44,492 --> 00:03:47,861
AND THEN I CHOKE,
AND IT'S OVER.
80
00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:51,031
I FEEL LIKE
I'M THE CUBS.
81
00:03:51,064 --> 00:03:53,501
YOU ARE GONNA
LOVE IT UP HERE. YEAH?
82
00:03:53,534 --> 00:03:55,403
THE BEER'S FREE,
THE BAND'S ALWAYS GREAT,
83
00:03:55,436 --> 00:03:59,940
AND YOU GET TO RIDE YOUR MOTORCYCLE WITHOUT A
HELMET! OH, GREAT. WELL... WELL, HOW DID YOU DIE?
84
00:03:59,973 --> 00:04:03,511
RIDING MY MOTORCYCLE
WITHOUT A HELMET. OH, DANNY.
85
00:04:03,544 --> 00:04:05,913
GO AND CHECK IN
WITH THAT GUY THERE.
86
00:04:05,946 --> 00:04:09,459
I'LL SEE YOU FOR DINNER. WE'RE AT HARRY CARAY'S
TABLE! ALL RIGHT, I'LL BE SURE TO BRING MY LIVER.
87
00:04:09,483 --> 00:04:11,752
THAT'S THE OTHER THING
ABOUT UP HERE.
88
00:04:11,785 --> 00:04:13,787
YOU DON'T NEED A LIVER.
AW, YEAH!
89
00:04:13,821 --> 00:04:15,823
(starts engine)
SEE YOU LATER!
90
00:04:15,856 --> 00:04:18,792
I'LL SEE YOU AT DINNER.
GREAT!
91
00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:20,528
(man) ENJOY HEAVEN.
92
00:04:20,561 --> 00:04:22,830
TAKE A WELCOME BAG.
93
00:04:22,863 --> 00:04:24,598
ENJOY HEAVEN.
94
00:04:24,632 --> 00:04:26,767
TAKE A WELCOME BAG.
95
00:04:26,800 --> 00:04:27,968
ENJOY HEAVEN.
96
00:04:28,001 --> 00:04:29,570
TAKE A WELCOME BAG.
97
00:04:29,603 --> 00:04:31,038
EXCUSE ME.
98
00:04:31,071 --> 00:04:32,540
ENJOY HEAVEN.
99
00:04:32,573 --> 00:04:33,941
TAKE A WELCOME BAG.
100
00:04:33,974 --> 00:04:35,976
(exhales deeply)
SO HOW DID YOU GO?
101
00:04:36,009 --> 00:04:37,945
I TOOK A BULLET
SAVING MY FAMILY.
102
00:04:37,978 --> 00:04:39,747
HOW ABOUT YOU?
103
00:04:39,780 --> 00:04:43,484
YEAH. SAME THING.
104
00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:45,018
ENJOY HEAVEN.
105
00:04:45,052 --> 00:04:46,720
TAKE A WELCOME BAG.
106
00:04:46,754 --> 00:04:47,855
HOW YOU DOIN'?
HEY.
107
00:04:47,888 --> 00:04:50,858
HOW'S IT GOIN'? HEY, WHAT'S WITH
THE, UH, WELCOME BAG?
108
00:04:50,891 --> 00:04:52,860
YOU THINK I CAN GET TWO?
109
00:04:52,893 --> 00:04:56,830
(alarm blaring) WHOA, WHOA,
WHOA, WHOA, DID I WIN SOMETHING?
110
00:04:56,864 --> 00:04:59,800
AM I, LIKE,
THE, UH, MILLIONTH CUSTOMER?
111
00:04:59,833 --> 00:05:01,969
APPARENTLY,
YOU'VE BEEN RED-FLAGGED.
112
00:05:02,002 --> 00:05:03,904
AW, HELL.
113
00:05:03,937 --> 00:05:06,774
POTENTIALLY, YES.
114
00:05:13,781 --> 00:05:14,748
NOW WHERE AM I?
115
00:05:14,782 --> 00:05:15,782
GOD, IS THAT YOU?
116
00:05:16,884 --> 00:05:18,719
YES, GOD, OH...
117
00:05:18,752 --> 00:05:20,688
GOD, I GOTTA TALK TO YOU.
118
00:05:20,721 --> 00:05:22,690
UH, UH, THEY WON'T LET ME
INTO HEAVEN.
119
00:05:22,723 --> 00:05:24,692
UH, UH, CAN YOU SAY
A FEW WORDS FOR ME?
120
00:05:24,725 --> 00:05:27,795
DO YOU KNOW A GUY? (Southern
accent) JIM, I AM THE GUY.
121
00:05:31,799 --> 00:05:35,369
WELL, WHAT'S THIS
ALL ABOUT THEN?
122
00:05:35,403 --> 00:05:37,705
OH, I GET IT. I GET IT.
123
00:05:37,738 --> 00:05:41,709
I CAN'T GO INTO HEAVEN
UNTIL I DO JURY DUTY, RIGHT?
124
00:05:41,742 --> 00:05:44,144
I NEED TO REVIEW
THE MERITS OF YOUR LIFE,
125
00:05:44,177 --> 00:05:46,146
AND IF EVERYTHING
CHECKS OUT,
126
00:05:46,179 --> 00:05:48,582
WE'D BE HAPPY
TO HAVE YOU IN HEAVEN.
127
00:05:48,616 --> 00:05:51,819
BUT, OF COURSE, IF IT DOESN'T...
THEN ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOOSE, BABY!
128
00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:54,522
(laughs maniacally)
129
00:05:54,555 --> 00:05:57,591
SEE WHAT I DID? I CAME IN
AT JUST THE RIGHT TIME.
130
00:05:57,625 --> 00:06:00,160
WHOO-HOO!
131
00:06:00,193 --> 00:06:03,631
UH, DOES, UH,
HELL HAVE A GIFT BAG?
132
00:06:03,664 --> 00:06:06,767
FOR YOU.
133
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:08,802
NICE COLOR.
134
00:06:08,836 --> 00:06:11,439
(screaming)
135
00:06:11,472 --> 00:06:12,740
(screaming stops)
136
00:06:12,773 --> 00:06:13,707
(laughs)
137
00:06:13,741 --> 00:06:15,709
SPEAKING ON YOUR BEHALF,
JIM,
138
00:06:15,743 --> 00:06:18,646
WILL BE THE PERSON WHO
LOVES YOU MOST IN THE WORLD.
139
00:06:18,679 --> 00:06:22,149
OH, THANK GOD.
I MEAN, THANK YOU.
140
00:06:22,182 --> 00:06:25,085
I'M HERE FOR YA, JIM!
141
00:06:25,118 --> 00:06:28,088
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHERE'S CHERYL?
142
00:06:28,121 --> 00:06:30,123
SHE LOVES YOU,
BUT NOT THE MOST.
143
00:06:30,157 --> 00:06:32,493
ANDY, ARE YOU DEAD?
144
00:06:32,526 --> 00:06:35,095
NO, NO, I'M FINE.
GOD JUST BORROWED MY SOUL.
145
00:06:35,128 --> 00:06:37,731
I GOT DECADES BEFORE I KICK IT,
RIGHT, GOD?
146
00:06:37,765 --> 00:06:40,634
WE REALLY SHOULD
GET STARTED HERE.
147
00:06:40,668 --> 00:06:42,803
AND, JIM, ARGUING MY CASE
148
00:06:42,836 --> 00:06:47,207
WILL BE THE PERSON
WHO DESPISES YOU MOST.
149
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:49,677
THERE'S MY GIRL.
150
00:06:49,710 --> 00:06:51,512
(laughs)
151
00:06:51,545 --> 00:06:54,748
AND HOW'S THAT BABY
OF MINE DOING? (laughs)
152
00:06:54,782 --> 00:06:57,518
OH! DEVIL, STOP,
YOU'RE SO BAD.
153
00:06:57,551 --> 00:06:58,652
OOH.
154
00:06:58,686 --> 00:07:01,154
HOW COULD YOU BE
WITH SOMEONE SO EVIL?
155
00:07:01,188 --> 00:07:02,656
HE'S NOT THAT BAD.
156
00:07:02,690 --> 00:07:05,158
I'M TALKING TO HIM.
157
00:07:07,528 --> 00:07:08,729
YOU KNOW, JIM,
158
00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:11,732
FOR YEARS I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU
TO GO TO HELL.
159
00:07:11,765 --> 00:07:13,534
THIS TIME
IT REALLY MEANS SOMETHING.
160
00:07:16,904 --> 00:07:19,006
(laughing) COME ON,
ANDY, DO SOMETHING.
161
00:07:19,039 --> 00:07:22,710
HEY, DON'T WORRY, BUDDY. I GOT
YOUR DEFENSE ALL PLANNED OUT.
162
00:07:22,743 --> 00:07:26,747
GOD, I'D LIKE TO CALL
TO THE STAND YOUR SON JESUS.
163
00:07:26,780 --> 00:07:28,749
JEEZ,
YOU CAN'T CALL JESUS.
164
00:07:28,782 --> 00:07:31,685
I USED HIS NAME IN VAIN
AT THE SUPER BOWL.
165
00:07:31,719 --> 00:07:33,687
NOT A PROBLEM.
HE FORGIVES EVERYBODY.
166
00:07:33,721 --> 00:07:36,790
PLUS, I'M HOPING HE AUTOGRAPHS
MY BIBLE. GOD, GOD, UH, UH,
167
00:07:36,824 --> 00:07:40,260
PERMISSION TO SMACK MY LAWYER
IN THE BACK OF THE HEAD.
168
00:07:40,293 --> 00:07:42,730
THAT'S NOT EXACTLY
THE SORT OF THING
169
00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:45,198
THAT WILL GET YOU
INTO HEAVEN.
170
00:07:48,035 --> 00:07:49,770
IT WAS WORTH IT.
171
00:07:49,803 --> 00:07:52,773
ACTUALLY, THE LADY GOES FIRST.
CALL YOUR WITNESS.
172
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:57,578
KYLE, TELL US ABOUT
THE BUTLER INCIDENT. THINK BACK.
173
00:07:57,611 --> 00:07:59,212
(ringing)
174
00:08:02,583 --> 00:08:05,819
MM-HMM.
175
00:08:05,853 --> 00:08:07,588
WILL THERE BE
ANYTHING ELSE, SIR?
176
00:08:07,621 --> 00:08:09,823
(haughty voice)
WELL, WE MAY BE GOING OUT LATER,
177
00:08:09,857 --> 00:08:12,225
SO HAVE THE CAR WASHED.
VERY GOOD, SIR.
178
00:08:12,259 --> 00:08:16,864
HE MADE HIS 8-YEAR-OLD SON
WORK AS HIS BUTLER.
179
00:08:16,897 --> 00:08:18,632
OH, COME ON, DANA.
180
00:08:18,666 --> 00:08:22,770
YOU KNOW KYLE AND I LIKE
TO PLAY BATMAN.
181
00:08:22,803 --> 00:08:24,705
HE LIKES TO BE ALFRED.
182
00:08:24,738 --> 00:08:27,708
WHICH IS GREAT,
BECAUSE THEN I'M ROBIN.
183
00:08:27,741 --> 00:08:29,710
OH... PLEASE.
184
00:08:29,743 --> 00:08:31,679
YOU EXPECT US TO BELIEVE
185
00:08:31,712 --> 00:08:34,915
THAT A LITTLE KID ENJOYS
PRETENDING TO BE A BUTLER?
186
00:08:34,948 --> 00:08:38,752
OOH, IT'S 3:00. GOD,
SHALL I MAKE YOU SOME TEA?
187
00:08:38,786 --> 00:08:40,688
SURE. LONG ISLAND.
188
00:08:44,324 --> 00:08:45,626
HI, GIRLS.
189
00:08:45,659 --> 00:08:47,294
(both) HI, AUNT DANA.
190
00:08:47,327 --> 00:08:50,564
I BROUGHT YOU SOMETHING
REALLY NICE FROM CALIFORNIA.
191
00:08:50,598 --> 00:08:52,600
OBJECTION!
192
00:08:52,633 --> 00:08:55,569
SHE DIDN'T BRING ME
BACK ANYTHING FROM CALIFORNIA.
193
00:08:55,603 --> 00:08:56,904
SIT DOWN.
194
00:08:56,937 --> 00:09:01,274
LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR DAD
AND THE PIZZA MAN.
195
00:09:01,308 --> 00:09:03,644
UH, THAT'S 35 MINUTES.
196
00:09:03,677 --> 00:09:04,912
PIZZA'S FREE, RIGHT?
197
00:09:04,945 --> 00:09:06,914
WELL,
I WOULD HAVE BEEN ON TIME,
198
00:09:06,947 --> 00:09:08,916
BUT YOUR HOUSE
DOESN'T HAVE ANY NUMBERS.
199
00:09:08,949 --> 00:09:11,619
NONE OF THE HOUSES
ON YOUR STREET HAVE NUMBERS.
200
00:09:11,652 --> 00:09:14,655
DAMN NEIGHBORHOOD KIDS.
201
00:09:14,688 --> 00:09:18,291
THE TRICK TO DELIVERING PIZZA IS
GETTING THE NUMBERS RIGHT... MM-HMM.
202
00:09:18,325 --> 00:09:21,128
ALL RIGHT, HE'S GONE.
GIRLS, COME HERE QUICK.
203
00:09:21,161 --> 00:09:23,931
HELP ME PUT THESE NUMBERS BACK
BEFORE YOUR MOTHER GETS HERE.
204
00:09:23,964 --> 00:09:28,702
WAIT. BUT WON'T THE PIZZA GET COLD? YOU'RE
RIGHT. PUT THIS PIZZA IN THE OVEN, ALFRED.
205
00:09:28,736 --> 00:09:31,338
(British accent)
VERY GOOD, SIR.
206
00:09:31,371 --> 00:09:35,342
HE STOLE PIZZA,
AND HE MADE HIS KIDS HELP.
207
00:09:35,375 --> 00:09:37,711
I DID NOT STEAL THAT PIZZA!
208
00:09:37,745 --> 00:09:40,180
I GOT THAT
BECAUSE OF THE RULES.
209
00:09:40,213 --> 00:09:42,716
WHAT RULES?
210
00:09:42,750 --> 00:09:44,852
IF IT'S NOT DELIVERED
IN 30 MINUTES, IT'S FREE.
211
00:09:44,885 --> 00:09:47,320
THEY EVEN CALL IT
THE CHALLENGE.
212
00:09:47,354 --> 00:09:50,090
YOU HID
YOUR HOUSE NUMBERS.
213
00:09:50,123 --> 00:09:53,661
THAT'S WHAT MAKES IT
A CHALLENGE.
214
00:09:53,694 --> 00:09:54,728
HEY.
215
00:09:54,762 --> 00:09:57,865
IF LOVING PIZZA IS A REASON
TO SEND SOMEONE TO HELL,
216
00:09:57,898 --> 00:10:00,801
SEND US BOTH.
217
00:10:00,834 --> 00:10:04,137
ANDY,
YOU'RE NOT HELPING ME HERE.
218
00:10:04,171 --> 00:10:07,407
HEY, RYAN. HEY, HONEY. HOW'S
MY LITTLE BUN IN THE OVEN?
219
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:10,343
OH, HE'S A LITTLE DEVIL.
220
00:10:10,377 --> 00:10:12,780
YOU'RE TERRIBLE.
221
00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:16,650
RYAN, YOU AND JIM
ARE FRIENDS, RIGHT?
222
00:10:16,684 --> 00:10:19,687
WE'VE MET. TELL US ABOUT
HOW HE'S EVIL INCARNATE.
223
00:10:19,720 --> 00:10:22,255
OH, WELL, I WOULDN'T
SAY HE'S... DO IT!
224
00:10:22,289 --> 00:10:24,391
HE TRIED TO RUIN MY MARRIAGE
MULTIPLE TIMES.
225
00:10:24,424 --> 00:10:26,359
ODD-NUMBERED ANNIVERSARIES
226
00:10:26,393 --> 00:10:29,797
JUST AREN'T THAT IMPORTANT.
227
00:10:29,830 --> 00:10:35,368
IT IS YOUR DUTY TO MAKE
YOUR WIFE CRY EVERY SIX WEEKS.
228
00:10:35,402 --> 00:10:40,373
NEVER EVER CALL YOUR WIFE
BY HER FIRST NAME.
229
00:10:40,407 --> 00:10:43,076
THANKSGIVING?
230
00:10:43,110 --> 00:10:45,445
THANKSGIVING?!
231
00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:49,116
(crying) HE EVEN ME GROW THIS
STUPID GOATEE, AND I HATE IT.
232
00:10:52,285 --> 00:10:54,822
NICE JOB...
233
00:10:54,855 --> 00:10:57,257
CRYBABY.
234
00:10:57,290 --> 00:10:58,358
HOLD ON A SECOND.
235
00:10:58,391 --> 00:11:02,229
I CAN DEFEND EACH AND EVERY ONE
OF THOSE STATEMENTS.
236
00:11:02,262 --> 00:11:04,364
OKAY, WHAT'S THE PROBLEM
WITH THANKSGIVING?
237
00:11:04,397 --> 00:11:08,168
THANKSGIVING? YOU MEAN THE DAY
THAT WE SET ASIDE EACH YEAR
238
00:11:08,201 --> 00:11:11,705
TO GIVE THANKS FOR ALL THE GIFTS
THAT YOU HAVE GIVEN?
239
00:11:11,739 --> 00:11:13,373
NOTHING. NOTHING.
240
00:11:14,842 --> 00:11:16,810
HEY, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
241
00:11:16,844 --> 00:11:19,847
THE OLE ANDY MAN
HAS GOT SOME MOVES LEFT.
242
00:11:19,880 --> 00:11:22,349
YOUR HONOR...
243
00:11:22,382 --> 00:11:26,787
I'D LIKE TO CALL TO THE STAND
A GREAT MAN... ME.
244
00:11:26,820 --> 00:11:29,289
CAN I DO THAT?
245
00:11:29,322 --> 00:11:33,260
WELL, IT'S A HAIL MARY,
BUT I CAN'T GET ENOUGH OF THOSE.
246
00:11:35,328 --> 00:11:36,463
SO...
247
00:11:36,496 --> 00:11:38,265
(slaps stand)
248
00:11:38,298 --> 00:11:43,103
TELL US A LITTLE BIT
ABOUT YOUR FRIEND JIM.
249
00:11:43,136 --> 00:11:47,174
WELL, HE'S NOT JUST MY FRIEND.
HE'S MY BEST FRIEND.
250
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:50,043
WOULDN'T YOU SAY
HE'S YOUR ONLY FRIEND?
251
00:11:50,077 --> 00:11:53,046
NO, NO AT ALL.
I HAVE LOTS OF OTHER FRIENDS.
252
00:11:53,080 --> 00:11:55,115
LIKE WHO? YOUR MOM?
253
00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:56,349
YOUR DEAD FATHER?
254
00:11:56,383 --> 00:11:58,451
THE ROBOT YOU BUILT
TO PLAY CHESS WITH YOU?
255
00:11:58,485 --> 00:12:01,088
(cries) SHUT UP.
JUST SHUT UP.
256
00:12:01,121 --> 00:12:03,390
(high-pitched voice)
ANDREW, WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?
257
00:12:03,423 --> 00:12:05,392
(normal voice) NOT NOW, MOM!
I'M TESTIFYING!
258
00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:08,261
(deepens voice) DO NOT TALK
TO YOUR MOTHER LIKE THAT!
259
00:12:08,295 --> 00:12:10,330
(robotic voice) KING
TO ROOK FOUR. CHECK AND MATE.
260
00:12:10,363 --> 00:12:14,802
(cries) "S" OF A "B"!
I CAN'T TAKE IT!
261
00:12:14,835 --> 00:12:17,270
OBJECTION!
262
00:12:17,304 --> 00:12:20,107
TO WHAT?
TO HIM AS MY LAWYER.
263
00:12:21,474 --> 00:12:26,046
GOD, I WOULD LIKE
TO REPRESENT MYSELF.
264
00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:30,083
WELL, A MAN WHO ACTS AS HIS OWN
LAWYER HAS A FOOL FOR A CLIENT.
265
00:12:30,117 --> 00:12:33,220
YEAH, WELL, WHOEVER SAID THAT
DIDN'T HAVE HIM AS A LAWYER.
266
00:12:33,253 --> 00:12:36,223
I WOULD LIKE TO CALL
267
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:38,826
MY WIFE, CHERYL, TO THE STAND.
268
00:12:42,329 --> 00:12:44,197
HI, BABY.
269
00:12:44,231 --> 00:12:47,100
ÓRALE, DUDE.
THAT'S YOUR WIFE?
270
00:12:51,204 --> 00:12:53,340
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
271
00:12:53,373 --> 00:12:55,375
I MARRIED THE HOT SISTER.
272
00:13:01,148 --> 00:13:05,352
CHERYL, TELL EVERYBODY
WHAT A GREAT GUY I AM.
273
00:13:05,385 --> 00:13:07,520
I HAVE THE PERFECT STORY.
274
00:13:07,554 --> 00:13:11,191
(laughs) I BET YOU HAVE
THOUSANDS OF STORIES.
275
00:13:11,224 --> 00:13:13,827
I'VE GOT THE PERFECT STORY.
276
00:13:13,861 --> 00:13:17,164
LAST YEAR OUR CHURCH
NEEDED A NEW ROOF,
277
00:13:17,197 --> 00:13:19,599
AND JIM OFFERED
TO PUT ONE ON AT COST.
278
00:13:19,632 --> 00:13:23,336
HE DID A GREAT JOB,
AND OUR HOUSE OF WORSHIP...
279
00:13:23,370 --> 00:13:27,274
YOUR HOUSE...
WAS WARM AND DRY AGAIN.
280
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:33,280
(heavenly choir sings)
281
00:13:33,313 --> 00:13:35,082
THAT'S RIGHT.
282
00:13:35,115 --> 00:13:37,250
I FIX CHURCHES.
283
00:13:37,284 --> 00:13:39,352
THAT'S THE KIND OF GUY
I AM.
284
00:13:39,386 --> 00:13:42,222
I'M A CHURCH FIXER.
285
00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:46,593
I CAN'T HAVE A CHURCH FIXER
IN HELL. (scoffs) COOL IT, SALLY.
286
00:13:46,626 --> 00:13:48,628
YOU SAY
THAT HE DID A GOOD JOB.
287
00:13:48,661 --> 00:13:51,031
IS THE ROOF STILL THERE?
288
00:13:51,064 --> 00:13:53,133
WELL, SADLY,
A FEW WEEKS LATER,
289
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:55,635
THE ROOF WAS RIPPED OFF
BY A WINDSTORM.
290
00:13:55,668 --> 00:13:58,105
OH, REALLY?
291
00:13:58,138 --> 00:14:02,109
WAS IT NAMED
HURRICANE... JIM?
292
00:14:02,142 --> 00:14:06,146
(grunting)
293
00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:07,147
(thud)
294
00:14:07,180 --> 00:14:09,416
PAY YOUR BILLS, REVEREND!
295
00:14:09,449 --> 00:14:14,387
EVERYBODY KNOWS "AT COST"
MEANS MATERIALS PLUS LABOR.
296
00:14:14,421 --> 00:14:17,224
(thunder crashes)
297
00:14:17,257 --> 00:14:19,326
YOU SEE THAT, REVEREND?
298
00:14:19,359 --> 00:14:22,329
EVEN GOD'S MAD AT YA!
299
00:14:22,362 --> 00:14:25,298
YOU REPOSSESSED
THE ROOF OF OUR CHURCH?
300
00:14:25,332 --> 00:14:29,569
WELL, YOU KNOW, JIM GIVETH
AND JIM TAKETH AWAY.
301
00:14:29,602 --> 00:14:30,770
YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE.
302
00:14:30,803 --> 00:14:34,174
I DON'T BLAME THEM FOR NOT
WANTING TO LET YOU INTO HEAVEN.
303
00:14:34,207 --> 00:14:37,110
GOD, UH, CAN I HAVE A SIDEBAR
WITH MY WITNESS?
304
00:14:37,144 --> 00:14:39,579
I'D SAY
THAT'S PROBABLY A GOOD IDEA.
305
00:14:39,612 --> 00:14:44,084
(lowered voice)
CHERYL, COME HERE.
306
00:14:44,117 --> 00:14:46,086
YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO TELL A STORY
307
00:14:46,119 --> 00:14:49,156
THAT EMPHASIZES THE GOOD PART OF
ME. I THOUGHT THAT'S WHAT I WAS DOING.
308
00:14:49,189 --> 00:14:52,159
LOOK, YOU GOTTA FUDGE A FEW
DETAILS, DIG A LITTLE DEEPER.
309
00:14:52,192 --> 00:14:54,061
SQUEEZE OUT SOME TEARS.
310
00:14:54,094 --> 00:14:56,129
AND REMEMBER,
GOD IS A GUY,
311
00:14:56,163 --> 00:14:58,131
SO POP A COUPLE BUTTONS.
312
00:14:58,165 --> 00:15:01,201
CAN WE GET A MOVE ON HERE?
I GOT A TEE TIME I WANNA MAKE.
313
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:05,138
I'M PLAYING WITH BOB HOPE.
THAT GUY IS WILD.
314
00:15:05,172 --> 00:15:09,076
SO, CHERYL, IS THERE ANOTHER
STORY YOU'D LIKE TO TELL?
315
00:15:09,109 --> 00:15:11,144
WHEW! I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU.
316
00:15:11,178 --> 00:15:15,182
IS IT ME? IS IT GETTING
A LITTLE HOT IN HERE?
317
00:15:15,215 --> 00:15:19,586
YES, I-I GUESS
IT IS A LITTLE WARM.
318
00:15:27,060 --> 00:15:28,561
PLEASE CONTINUE, CHERYL.
319
00:15:28,595 --> 00:15:31,398
OKAY, UM, SO THE OTHER DAY,
320
00:15:31,431 --> 00:15:34,501
JIM WAS, UH, VACUUMING.
321
00:15:34,534 --> 00:15:38,338
(Jim) AND EXACTLY
WHY WAS I VACUUMING?
322
00:15:38,371 --> 00:15:41,341
UH, YOU WERE VACUUMING
BECAUSE
323
00:15:41,374 --> 00:15:43,977
WE WERE HAVING GUESTS OVER...
324
00:15:44,011 --> 00:15:45,012
ORPHANS.
325
00:15:45,045 --> 00:15:47,314
HI. COME ON IN.
326
00:15:47,347 --> 00:15:49,382
COME ON IN.
327
00:15:49,416 --> 00:15:52,319
WELL, WELL, WELL.
WHAT CAN I GET YOU KIDS?
328
00:15:52,352 --> 00:15:55,188
SOMETHING TO DRINK?
A SNACK MAYBE?
329
00:15:55,222 --> 00:15:58,491
OR MAYBE SOME... PARENTS?
330
00:15:59,559 --> 00:16:01,061
(laughs)
331
00:16:07,167 --> 00:16:10,137
LATER, DURING
THE VENTRILOQUIST SHOW...
332
00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:12,105
VENTRILOQUIST SHOW?
333
00:16:12,139 --> 00:16:16,276
(children laughing)
334
00:16:16,309 --> 00:16:20,080
ONE OF THE PARENTS NEEDED
AN EMERGENCY TRACHEOTOMY.
335
00:16:21,348 --> 00:16:24,551
LUCKILY,
JIM WAS CARRYING A PEN.
336
00:16:30,790 --> 00:16:33,726
I'M STARTING TO THINK YOU ASKED
YOUR WIFE TO LIE TO ME.
337
00:16:33,760 --> 00:16:36,729
WELL, IN MY DEFENSE, I THOUGHT
SHE'D DO A BETTER JOB.
338
00:16:36,763 --> 00:16:39,532
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME
TO TELL THEM?
339
00:16:39,566 --> 00:16:42,202
HOW YOU LIKE TO MOON THE
NEIGHBORS? WHO, OLD LADY NELSON?
340
00:16:42,235 --> 00:16:45,205
OH, COME ON.
SHE GETS A THRILL OUT OF IT.
341
00:16:45,238 --> 00:16:47,807
I KEPT HER ALIVE
FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS.
342
00:16:47,840 --> 00:16:50,777
I THINK WE HEARD ENOUGH.
THE GUY'S A BUM.
343
00:16:50,810 --> 00:16:53,713
GOD, GIVE HIM TO ME.
LET ME HAVE HIM.
344
00:16:53,746 --> 00:16:56,183
I'M SORRY, JIM, BUT I THINK
IT'S TIME FOR YOU TO GO.
345
00:16:56,216 --> 00:16:59,286
W-W-W-WAIT, GOD. GOD,
CAN... CAN I ASK JIM ONE QUESTION?
346
00:16:59,319 --> 00:17:02,289
FINE. BUT YOU'RE EXPLAINING THIS
TO BOB HOPE.
347
00:17:02,322 --> 00:17:05,158
JIM, THINK BACK.
348
00:17:05,192 --> 00:17:09,262
DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT WE FOUGHT
ABOUT LAST SATURDAY NIGHT?
349
00:17:09,296 --> 00:17:14,267
WHY SHOULD I STOP MOONING
OLD LADY NELSON?
350
00:17:14,301 --> 00:17:15,702
SHE DOESN'T LIKE IT.
351
00:17:15,735 --> 00:17:19,272
SHE STILL LOOKS.
352
00:17:19,306 --> 00:17:21,674
LOOK, CHERYL,
YOU KNOW WHO YOU MARRIED.
353
00:17:21,708 --> 00:17:25,378
STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME.
354
00:17:25,412 --> 00:17:28,415
AND THE FIGHT WE HAD
THE WEEK BEFORE THAT?
355
00:17:28,448 --> 00:17:31,351
CHERYL, CHERYL,
IT IS NOT TAX EVASION
356
00:17:31,384 --> 00:17:33,786
WHEN I USE
THE FALSE IDENTITY.
357
00:17:36,856 --> 00:17:39,192
COME ON, BABY.
YOU KNOW WHO YOU MARRIED.
358
00:17:39,226 --> 00:17:41,294
STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME.
359
00:17:41,328 --> 00:17:43,263
AND LAST FALL?
360
00:17:43,296 --> 00:17:45,765
THANKSGIVING?
361
00:17:45,798 --> 00:17:47,667
THANKSGIVING?!
362
00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:48,801
(sighs)
363
00:17:48,835 --> 00:17:51,471
CHERYL,
YOU KNOW WHO YOU MARRIED.
364
00:17:51,504 --> 00:17:54,807
STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME.
365
00:17:54,841 --> 00:17:57,877
IT'S WHAT YOU'VE SAID
IN EVERY FIGHT WE'VE EVER HAD.
366
00:17:57,910 --> 00:18:00,847
AND YOU KNOW WHAT, GOD?
HE'S RIGHT.
367
00:18:00,880 --> 00:18:04,384
THAT'S WHY I ACCEPT HIM
FOR WHO HE IS.
368
00:18:05,918 --> 00:18:08,421
WELL, THEN YOU'RE BETTER
THAN ME, CHERYL.
369
00:18:08,455 --> 00:18:10,390
I JUST CAN'T LET HIM IN.
370
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:13,193
COME ON. LET'S GO.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
371
00:18:13,226 --> 00:18:16,696
YOU GET YOUR HAND OFF HIM,
MISTER. OFF. OFF.
372
00:18:16,729 --> 00:18:18,465
AY, MAMITA.
373
00:18:18,498 --> 00:18:22,735
I DID PICK THE WRONG SISTER.
374
00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:28,775
CHERYL. CHERYL, THAT...
THAT'S OKAY. Y-YOU TRIED.
375
00:18:28,808 --> 00:18:31,411
AND IF I GOTTA GO TO HELL,
376
00:18:31,444 --> 00:18:35,815
AT LEAST I GOT TO HEAR YOU
SAY I WAS RIGHT ONE LAST TIME. OH.
377
00:18:35,848 --> 00:18:39,652
YOU KNOW WHAT? IF HE'S GOING
TO HELL, I'M GOING WITH HIM.
378
00:18:39,686 --> 00:18:40,853
WHAT?
379
00:18:40,887 --> 00:18:43,890
OH, YEAH, WHEN I GET DOWN
TO EARTH, I'M GONNA ROB A BANK,
380
00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:46,259
KICK A PUPPY
AND MOON OLD LADY NELSON.
381
00:18:46,293 --> 00:18:48,261
Y-YOU REALLY DO LOVE ME,
DON'T YOU?
382
00:18:48,295 --> 00:18:53,200
BUT NOT AS MUCH AS ME.
I'M GOING TO HELL, TOO.
383
00:18:53,233 --> 00:18:55,802
LET'S ALL GO TO HELL.
YEAH.
384
00:18:55,835 --> 00:18:58,938
DOES HELL HAVE
A WELCOME BAG?
385
00:18:58,971 --> 00:19:02,642
SERIOUSLY?
YOU'D ALL GO TO HELL FOR JIM?
386
00:19:02,675 --> 00:19:05,645
I GUESS WE'LL BE
THE HAPPIEST FAMILY IN HELL.
387
00:19:05,678 --> 00:19:07,414
OBJECTION!
388
00:19:07,447 --> 00:19:09,616
HE CAN'T HAVE A HAPPY FAMILY
IN HELL.
389
00:19:09,649 --> 00:19:11,218
YEAH, THAT'LL RUIN EVERYTHING.
390
00:19:11,251 --> 00:19:13,653
WELL, I CAN'T HAVE HIM
UP HERE WITH ME.
391
00:19:13,686 --> 00:19:18,225
WELL, I GUESS I GOT NO CHOICE
BUT TO SEND YOU BACK TO EARTH.
392
00:19:18,258 --> 00:19:19,692
(cheering)
393
00:19:19,726 --> 00:19:21,628
YES! YES! YES!
394
00:19:21,661 --> 00:19:23,896
OH, CHERYL, THANK YOU.
395
00:19:23,930 --> 00:19:25,632
OH, HONEY.
396
00:19:25,665 --> 00:19:28,635
YOU KNOW THERE'S NO WAY YOU WERE
GETTING INTO HEAVEN WITHOUT ME.
397
00:19:28,668 --> 00:19:30,637
(laughs) THAT'S THE REASON
I MARRIED YOU.
398
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:32,305
AW.
399
00:19:32,339 --> 00:19:34,374
OH, JIM!
OH, ANDY. ANDY.
400
00:19:34,407 --> 00:19:37,744
I'M JUST SO HAPPY!
ANDY. ANDY. ANDY.
401
00:19:37,777 --> 00:19:38,778
(grunts)
402
00:19:38,811 --> 00:19:40,413
(spits)
403
00:19:46,453 --> 00:19:49,222
I'M SO GLAD I FLEW
ACROSS THE COUNTRY FOR THAT.
404
00:19:49,256 --> 00:19:51,824
(coughs) UM, HONEY,
ARE... ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
405
00:19:51,858 --> 00:19:53,726
YEAH. YEAH.
406
00:19:53,760 --> 00:19:56,329
I THOUGHT FOR A SECOND THERE
I WAS A GONER.
407
00:19:56,363 --> 00:19:58,331
YEAH, IT'S A GOOD THING
ANDY WAS HERE
408
00:19:58,365 --> 00:20:01,601
TO JUMP IN FRONT OF THE DOCTOR
AND GIVE YOU THE HEIMLICH.
409
00:20:01,634 --> 00:20:03,836
YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
410
00:20:03,870 --> 00:20:06,339
I WAS IN HEAVEN,
AND... AND GOD WAS DECIDING
411
00:20:06,373 --> 00:20:08,741
WHETHER I SHOULD GO
TO HEAVEN OR HELL.
412
00:20:08,775 --> 00:20:11,978
WISH I'D BEEN THERE. I COULD
HAVE TOLD HIM SOME STORIES.
413
00:20:12,011 --> 00:20:15,282
YOU WE THERE.
414
00:20:15,315 --> 00:20:17,650
EVERYBODY WAS THERE.
415
00:20:17,684 --> 00:20:20,653
IT W... IT WAS LIKE A TRIAL.
416
00:20:20,687 --> 00:20:22,989
AND IN THE END,
417
00:20:23,022 --> 00:20:25,692
GOD DECIDED TO GIVE ME
A SECOND CHANCE.
418
00:20:25,725 --> 00:20:29,296
SO NOW YOU'RE GONNA LIVE
YOUR LIFE DIFFERENTLY?
419
00:20:29,329 --> 00:20:31,331
AND BE NICER TO EVERYONE?
MM.
420
00:20:31,364 --> 00:20:33,400
AND ALWAYS TELL THE TRUTH?
421
00:20:33,433 --> 00:20:36,269
AND SET A GOOD EXAMPLE
WITH ACTS OF KINDNESS?
422
00:20:36,303 --> 00:20:39,772
AND TREAT US WITH DIGNITY
AND RESPECT?
423
00:20:39,806 --> 00:20:42,809
AND LEARN TO TREAT LIFE
LIKE THE GIFT THAT IT IS...
424
00:20:42,842 --> 00:20:45,845
BECAUSE YOU NEVER KNOW
WHEN IT MIGHT BE YOUR LAST?
425
00:20:45,878 --> 00:20:48,981
OH, WOW. WE'RE ALL GOING.
426
00:20:49,015 --> 00:20:50,983
UM...
427
00:20:51,017 --> 00:20:53,320
DRINK PLENTY OF FLUIDS?
428
00:20:53,353 --> 00:20:57,557
NO. I'M GONNA STAY
JUST THE WAY I AM.
429
00:20:57,590 --> 00:20:59,058
(all) WHAT?
430
00:20:59,091 --> 00:21:01,060
WELL, GOD DON'T WANT ME.
431
00:21:01,093 --> 00:21:03,062
THE DEVIL WON'T HAVE ME.
432
00:21:03,095 --> 00:21:05,865
THE WAY I FIGURE IT,
IF I NEVER CHANGE,
433
00:21:05,898 --> 00:21:08,835
I'LL LIVE FOREVER.
434
00:21:08,868 --> 00:21:09,836
(laughs)
435
00:21:09,869 --> 00:21:11,671
(all) NO!
436
00:21:13,072 --> 00:21:14,774
OH.
OH.
31491
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