Original subtitles

JIM, JIM, I GOT A REAL PROBLEM.

I'M MISSING A LOT OF MONEY FROM MY ONLINE BANK ACCOUNT.

HOLD ON A SECOND.

WHAT WAS THE NAME OF THAT GUINEA PIG

YOU HAD WHEN YOU WERE A KID?

OH, BUTTERSCOTCH.

LIKE PRINCESS DI AND JAMES DEAN,

YOU LEFT US TOO SOON.

NO.

SO YOU THINK SOMEONE'S HACKING INTO YOUR ACCOUNT?

NO, NO, I'M VERY PROTECTIVE,

AND I'M CONSTANTLY CHANGING MY PASSWORDS.

YEAH, I KNOW YOU ARE.

HEY, HOW DO YOU SPELL YOUR MOTHER'S MAIDEN NAME?

G-H-A-F-A-R-R-Y.

BINGO.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

UH, YOU KNOW, UH...

♪ BINGO WAS HER NAME-O

DAD, YOUR DELIVERY

FROM STEAK OF THE MONTH CLUB CAME.

BINGO.

♪ AND BINGO WAS HER STEAK-O

HAVEN'T YOU EVER HEARD THAT VERSE?

JIM, I WOULD NOT GET INTO BUSINESS

WITH THE STEAK PEOPLE.

DO YOU KNOW THEY CHARGE ME EVERY MONTH

FOR MEAT I DON'T GET?

HEY, UH, LISTEN, UH, CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

I CAN'T SEEM TO FIND

THAT LITTLE 3-DIGIT SECURITY CODE

ON THE BACK OF MY CREDIT CARD. OH, IT'S THAT LITTLE NUMBER.

HERE, I'LL SHOW YOU ON YOUR CARD.

WELL, UH, CAN YOU SHOW ME ON YOURS?

'CAUSE MINE'S IN MY POCKET, AND I DON'T WANT TO STAND UP.

SURE, BEST FRIEND. LET'S SEE.

NO, UH, UH, UH, NOT THAT ONE. THE GOLD CARD...

YOU KNOW, THE ONE WITH THE HIGH LIMIT.

(laughs) HIGH LIMIT? NO LIMIT.

(laughs) THAT'S IT.

GOT IT. BINGO!

HMM?

♪ AND BINGO WAS THE NUMBER-O ♪

♪♪♪

HEY.

HEY. READY TO GO?

GO WHERE?

DID YOU FORGET?

TODAY'S THE DAY WE VOLUNTEERED TO BUILD THAT NEW REC ROOM

AT THE DISABLED CHILDREN'S CENTER.

REALLY? THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE ME.

I SIGNED US UP.

NO. YOU CAN SIGN YOU UP.

ONLY I CAN SIGN ME UP.

AND I HAVEN'T SIGNED UP FOR ANYTHING

EVER SINCE THAT KID FROM AFRICA CAME AROUND HERE

LOOKING FOR HIS 35 CENTS A DAY.

OH, JIM, COME ON.

VOLUNTEERING IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE, CAN YOU JUST TAKE THE HIGH ROAD?

HOW DARE YOU, CHERYL?

I AM TOTALLY OFFENDED BY THAT.

NAME ONE TIME YOU'VE DONE A GOOD DEED.

I'VE DONE IT DOZENS OF TIMES. OH.

OKAY, YOU WANT... YOU WANT ONE TIME? YEAH, I DO.

ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT?

HERE'S ONE. I AM AN ORGAN DONOR.

RIGHT HERE. THERE'S A STICKER ON MY LICENSE. OKAY, OKAY, FINE. FINE.

YOU'LL DO ONE GOOD DEED WHEN YOU'RE DEAD. YEAH.

YEAH. YEAH, YOU AND THE CHILDREN

WILL ENJOY A HEFTY CHUNK OF CHANGE FROM THE STATE.

JIM, THEY DON'T PAY YOU FOR YOUR ORGANS.

REALLY?

NO, THEY JUST PUT 'EM IN SOMEBODY WHO NEEDS 'EM.

WELL, FORGET IT.

THEY DIDN'T MAKE THAT CLEAR AT THE D.M.V.

YOU SEE, YOU SEE, YOU SEE? THAT IS EXACTLY THE PROBLEM.

YOU CAN'T MAKE A HIGH ROAD PERSON OUT OF A LOW ROAD PERSON.

YEAH, WELL, DOWN HERE IN THE LOW ROAD,

WE DON'T NEED TO FEEL GOOD.

NO, NO, WE DON'T HAVE TO BE NICE

TO PEOPLE THAT WE DON'T LIKE.

WE'RE NOT AFRAID TO HURT PEOPLE

OR NOT REPORT ALL OUR INCOME.

AND I AM NOT ASHAMED TO SAY

THAT THIS WHOLE TIME I'VE BEEN TALKING,

I'VE BEEN STARING AT YOUR BOOBS.

OKAY, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

IF YOU COME WITH ME TO THE CHILDREN'S CENTER,

YOU CAN STARE AT THEM ALL DAY.

(sighs)

HOW COLD WILL IT BE THERE?

FINE.

FOR THE CHILDREN.

AND THIS SHOULD COVER THE COST

OF ALL THE STUFF I STOLE FROM YOU ONLINE.

TRUST ME. IT'LL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT WON'T.

I WILL ADMIT, YOU DID TEACH ME A GOOD LESSON

ABOUT THE DANGERS OF THE INTERNET.

ANDY, THAT'S WHY I DID IT.

NO, SIR.

YOU WON'T CATCH THIS GUY BANKING ONLINE.

I DO IT ALL OVER THE PHONE NOW WITH A SECRET PASSWORD.

NOT A DIME GOES OUT

UNLESS I SAY, "AFGHANISTAN-BANANASTAN."

VERY SMART.

I KNOW, RIGHT?

(Cheryl) JIM, GET IN HERE!

WHAT?

I JUST GOT A CALL

FROM MRS. KRETZER AT THE CHILDREN'S CENTER.

FINE, I'LL RETURN THE WHEELCHAIR.

JIM. (sighs)

I-I-I'VE NEVER SEEN THAT LOOK ON YOUR FACE BEFORE.

WHAT IS IT?

PRIDE.

PRIDE? THE CENTER IS VERY IMPRESSED

WITH THE WORK YOU DID ON THE REC ROOM.

OH, HONEY, COME ON. I WAS HANGING DRYWALL

WITH A BLIND KID AND A GUY WITH ONE ARM.

OF COURSE I'M GONNA LOOK GOOD.

THEY'RE HONORING YOU WITH THEIR STAR VOLUNTEER AWARD.

THEY WANT TO GIVE IT TO DAD? YES.

OUR DAD? UH-HUH.

THIS DAD? YEAH.

ME DAD? YES!

WELL, HOW ABOUT THAT?

AWARD ACCEPTED.

(sighs)

THAT'S NOT THE END OF IT, IS IT?

JIM, THERE'S AN AWARDS DINNER.

OH, DINNER. YEAH.

WITH PEOPLE?

AND SPEECHES AND DANCING.

OH, CHERYL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'D LOVE TO GO, BUT UNFORTUNATELY,

THAT NIGHT, I'M READING TO THE BLIND.

AND THEN THE NEXT NIGHT

I'M GONNA BE SMELLING FOR THE NOSELESS.

JIM.

REALLY. UH, WE'RE DOING, UM,

"CATCHER IN THE RYE" AND CINNAMON.

YOU'RE GOING.

YES, I AM.

YES, YOU ARE.

JIM CAME WITH A HAMMER,

AND HE LEFT WITH OUR HEARTS.

HE PUT UP DRYWALL,

BUT HE DIDN'T LEAVE A DRY EYE.

HE SPACKLED WITH A... UH, CAN YOU WRAP THIS UP, SWEETIE?

"DANCING WITH THE STARS" IS ON IN TEN MINUTES.

IT TURNS MY WIFE ON,

AND I JUST WANT TO BE THERE WHEN THAT HAPPENS. (laughs) VERY WELL.

JIM, THANK YOU SO MUCH. YEAH.

AND PLEASE ACCEPT THE CENTER'S STAR VOLUNTEER AWARD.

(applause)

THANK YOU.

AS WELL AS THIS OVERSIZED CHECK FOR $1,000.

(applause continues)

I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW MUCH THIS MEANS TO ME.

I ONLY WISH THERE WERE MORE DISABLED CHILDREN IN THE WORLD

SO I COULD HELP THEM ALL.

WELL, LOOK AT THAT... A THOUSAND BUCKS!

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA HAVE THIS FRAMED AND HANG IT OVER OUR DRESSER.

CHERYL, TAKE DOWN THOSE PICTURES OF THE KIDS.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO PROUD OF YOU.

OH, AND YOU'RE GONNA BE PROUDER OF ME

WHEN YOU SEE HOW FAST I BURN THROUGH THAT THOUSAND BUCKS.

(laughing)

ANDY, I AM OPEN TO SUGGESTIONS, PLEASE.

OKAY. HEY, HEY, I SAW ONLINE

WHERE SOMEONE'S SELLING VINCE LOMBARDI'S HAT

FROM WHEN THE PACKERS WON THE FIRST TWO SUPER BOWLS.

OH, THE PACKERS. I HATE THEM.

WE'LL BUY IT AND BURN IT. PERFECT. (laughs)

JIM. WHAT?

YOU HAVE TO GIVE THE MONEY BACK TO THE CHARITY. WHAT?

WHAT?

IT'S THEIR MONEY.

UH, NO, CHERYL.

"JIM."

"PAY TO THE ORDER OF JIMMY."

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO GIVE THE MONEY BACK.

ALL THE HONOREES DO. IT'S UNDERSTOOD.

BY WHOM?

EVERYBODY.

EVERYBODY RETURNS THE MONEY. IT'S A GIVEN.

NO, CHERYL.

THIS WAS "A GIVEN" TO ME,

AND I AIN'T "A GIVEN" IT BACK.

NO.

WHOO! SCOREBOARD.

THANK YOU.

HOW CAN YOU, IN GOOD CONSCIENCE,

TAKE $1,000 FROM A CHILDREN'S CENTER?

I'M NOT TAKING IT. THEY GAVE IT TO ME

FOR THE REWARD OF A LIFETIME OF DOING GOOD DEEDS.

WHAT GOOD DEEDS?

CHERYL, I TOLD YOU,

I WORK WITH THE NOSELESS.

WOW.

AFTER TEN MINUTES ON THE HIGH ROAD,

YOU TOOK THE FIRST EXIT.

WHY AM I SURPRISED?

OKAY, LET'S GET ONLINE AND GET YOU THAT HAT.

FORGET IT.

WHY?

YOU KNOW SHE'S NEVER GONNA LET ME DO THAT.

GOD, WHY'D YOU MARRY HER? THERE. I FINALLY SAID IT.

YOU KNOW WHAT CHERYL'S PROBLEM IS?

SHE'S BEEN ON THE HIGH ROAD TOO LONG.

YEAH, UP THERE TOSSING HER HAIR,

WAVING HER HAND LIKE MISS AMERICA,

AND GIVING HER ORGANS AWAY FOR FREE.

I'VE BEEN SICK OF HER FOR YEARS.

SAY IT, JIM.

YOU HATE HER.

I DON'T HATE HER.

I HATE GIVING THIS CHECK BACK.

THEN DON'T.

CASH THE CHECK.

YOU CAN'T CASH CARDBOARD, ANDY.

BUT WE WILL CASH THE LITTLE CHECK THEY GAVE ME.

(gasps) NOW YOU'RE TALKING.

YEAH, TAKE THAT, LITTLE MISS PERFECT.

NO, NO, NO, WE'LL CASH THE CHECK,

AND WE'RE GONNA TAKE CHERYL ON A LITTLE TRIP.

IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR?

NO.

NO, SOMEWHERE THAT'S PARTICULARLY LOVELY

THIS TIME OF YEAR.

EPCOT? NO.

GRACELAND? NO.

DOLLYWOOD? AUSTRALIA? EPCOT?

NO! STOP IT.

WE'RE GONNA TAKE HER FOR A TRIP...

ON THE LOW ROAD.

YOU KNOW, THERE ARE A LOT OF PLACES

TO HIDE A BODY AT EPCOT.

THERE SHE IS.

YES, WHAT A SURPRISE. I'M IN THE KITCHEN.

YOU KNOW WHAT, CHERYL?

I REALIZE THAT IF THERE WAS ANYONE IN THIS HOUSE

THAT DESERVED A REWARD FOR DOING GOOD, IT IS YOU.

OH, HONEY, NOT NOW.

THE KIDS ARE HOME AND MY BACK IS KILLING ME.

NO, CHERYL, ALTHOUGH I LIKE WHERE YOU'RE GOING WITH THAT.

NO, I BOUGHT YOU A GIFT.

OH, JIM, NOTHING YOU COULD BUY ME WOULD MAKE ME...

(gasps)

OH, MY GOD.

IS THAT A STEPHAN BATON?

WELL, LOOK WHOSE BACK JUST GOT BETTER.

HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT EVERY WOMAN IN THE WORLD

IS DYING TO GET THEIR HANDS ON THIS PURSE?

I DIDN'T. I ASKED ANDY WHICH PURSE HE LIKED.

JIM, A STEPHAN BATON IS NOT A PURSE.

(Cheryl and Andy) IT'S A VESSEL FOR A WOMAN'S SOUL.

NO, HONEY, IT IS AN OVERPRICED, VERY EXPENSIVE STATUS SYMBOL.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU DESERVE IT, CHERYL,

BECAUSE YOU... YOU'RE GOOD.

YOU'RE REALLY GOOD, HONEY. YOU ARE.

OH, NO, NO, I CAN'T. NO, I...

N... (gasps)

OH, IS THAT A CELL PHONE CASE?

ELEGANT AND FUNCTIONAL.

OH, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

IT'S WRONG. THAT MONEY BELONGS TO CHARITY.

YOU'RE RIGHT, CHERYL,

SO I'M GONNA JUST TAKE THIS BACK TO THE STORE RIGHT NOW.

WELL... I COULD RETURN THE BAG TOMORROW,

'CAUSE... I'VE GOT A P.T.A. MEETING TONIGHT.

I MEAN, THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH SHOWING IT OFF A LITTLE.

OH, YEAH, WHY NOT?

IT'S ONLY ONE NIGHT. ONE MAGICAL NIGHT.

ONE MAGICAL NIGHT WITH HAND-STITCHED ITALIAN GLORY.

COME ON, STEPHAN BATON.

WE'RE GONNA BUILD OUR OUTFIT AROUND YOU.

(baby voice) YES, WE ARE. YES, WE ARE.

AH, ANDY, HERE ON THE LOW ROAD TOURS,

WE PRIDE OURSELVES ON ON-TIME DEPARTURES.

(laughs)

YOU WERE RIGHT, JIM.

THIS WAS WAY BETTER THAN KILLING HER.

OH, I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE CHERYL'S FACE

WHEN SHE HAS TO RETURN THAT BAG.

BECAUSE... (imitating Cheryl) "IT WAS THE RIGHT THING TO DO."

(laughs) I'LL CALL MALL SECURITY

AND SEE IF WE CAN BUY THE SURVEILLANCE TAPE.

(normal voice) OOH, GREAT, GREAT, GREAT.

AND IF SHE'S CRYING ON IT, WE'LL PUT IT ON THE INTERNET.

THEN WE'LL MAKE HER WATCH IT, AND SHE'LL CRY AGAIN!

(laughs)

YOU KNOW, YOU GOT A LOT

OF UNRESOLVED ANGER ISSUES FROM YOUR CHILDHOOD.

YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT, DAD?

I MEAN, JIM.

(whispers) JIM, THE BAG.

WHAT THE HELL?

HEY, HONEY. COULDN'T DO IT.

OH, COULDN'T DO IT, HUH?

WELL, I GUESS YOU CAN TURN A HIGH ROAD PERSON

INTO A LOW ROAD PERSON.

GO AHEAD, CHERYL, SAY IT. SAY WHAT?

SAY "I'M A LOW ROAD PERSON." OH, JIM.

CHERYL, SAY IT!

"I'M A LOW ROAD PERSON. I'M A LOW ROAD GAL."

LET ME MAKE HER SAY IT. I'VE HEARD ENOUGH.

SETTLE DOWN.

OKAY, FINE, FINE. I LIKE IT DOWN HERE.

I FEEL A LITTLE DIRTY,

BUT I GOT HAND SANITIZER IN MY NEW BAG.

WELL, CHERYL, I'M GONNA MAKE THIS EASY FOR YOU,

'CAUSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

I'M GONNA TAKE THE BAG BACK, RETURN IT,

AND TAKE THE MONEY AND GIVE IT TO CHARITY. YEAH, HERE'S THE THING.

I'M KEEPING THE BAG. WHAT?

I'M KEEPING IT.

I'VE DONE CHARITY WORK MY WHOLE LIFE,

AND I DON'T HAVE A THING TO SHOW FOR IT. CHERYL, THAT IS NOT FAIR.

WELL, JIM, DOWN HERE ON THE LOW ROAD,

WE DON'T PLAY FAIR.

CHERYL, HOW...

I HAVE SPENT 19 YEARS IN THIS MARRIAGE WITH YOU ON MY ARM.

IT'S TIME FOR AN UPGRADE.

OOH! SCOREBOARD, CHERYL!

WHOSE SIDE ARE YOU ON?

THE SIDE OF BREEZY BANTER.

ANDY, WE GOTTA GET THAT PURSE BACK.

FORGET ABOUT IT.

SHE'S GONNA TAKE THAT THING EVERYWHERE SHE GOES.

YES, YES, BUT I GOT NEWS FOR BLONDIE.

THERE'S A ROAD EVEN LOWER THAN THE LOW ROAD...

THE JIM ROAD.

NOT YOUR BEST EFFORT.

HIGHWAY JIM 95?

ATTABOY! YEAH!

JIM!

I KNOW IT'S YOU!

I BOUGHT YOU THAT SHIRT!

LOOK, I JUST WANT TO RETURN THE PURSE.

AND I'VE TOLD YOU WE CAN'T ACCEPT RETURNS

ON A BAG THAT'S BEEN USED.

IT HASN'T BEEN USED.

YOU SEE, I-I GAVE IT TO MY WIFE AND...

POOR THING PASSED AWAY.

THANK GOD SHE WAS AN ORGAN DONOR.

I MEAN, THAT WAY, YOU KNOW, I'M COVERED FINANCIALLY.

SO AS SHE DIED,

SHE OPENED THE BAG

AND PUT IN LIP BALM, ALMONDS,

PICTURES OF KIDS?

OH, NO, NO, THAT CAME WITH THE BAG.

YOU'RE IN THE PICTURES.

I'M A MODEL.

RIGHT. (telephone ringing)

NO, I'VE BEEN MODELING FOR YEARS. ONE MINUTE, SIR.

(wheezing)

ANDY, ANDY, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE LOOKING OUT FOR CHERYL.

(panting) SURE, SURE.

UM, JUST A HEADS UP, THOUGH, MY CHEST IS KINDA TIGHT.

WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

WE STOPPED RUNNING TWO HOURS AGO,

THE CAR WAS PARKED AROUND THE CORNER,

AND YOU TOOK A SHOWER. YEAH, BUT THE MALL ESCALATOR WAS OUT.

ANDY, YOU GOTTA KEEP AN EYE ON...

THERE HE IS. THERE HE IS. THERE IS THE MAN WHO STOLE MY BAG.

SHE'S COMING.

LET ME... STEP AWAY FROM THE BAG, SIR.

NO, NO, OFFICER, YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND,

THAT BAG IS MINE. I HAVE THE RECEIPT.

THE RECEIPT WAS IN THE BAG WHEN HE STOLE IT. IT'S MINE.

UH, OFFICER, UM, DO YOU KNOW C.P.R.?

ANDY, NOT NOW. THIS IS A CRISIS.

LISTEN, OFFICER. LET ME EXPLAIN, ALL RIGHT?

YOU SEE, I WON AN AWARD,

AND I WANTED TO BURN VINCE LOMBARDI'S HAT.

BUT INSTEAD, I BOUGHT HER A PURSE

AND GAVE IT TO HER SO SHE COULDN'T KEEP IT.

I'M TRYING TO TEACH MY WIFE A LESSON.

YOUR WIFE? YES, I'M MARRIED TO HER.

HIM? ME? COME ON.

CHERYL! ANDY, DO SOMETHING!

(wheezing)

ANDY, COME ON!

YOU GOTTA BELIEVE ME. I WAS JUST TAKING HER ON THE LOW ROAD.

HA! IN YOUR FACE!

I'M ABOUT TO GO ON BREAK. DO YOU STILL WANT TO RETURN THIS?

LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

IF THIS BAG LOOKED THIS GOOD ON YOU, WOULD YOU RETURN IT? MNH-MNH.

OH!

HEY, YOU DON'T LOOK SO GOOD.

WHEW.

LUCKILY, YOU LOOK GOOD ENOUGH FOR THE BOTH OF US.

(whispers) SCOREBOARD.

(sighs)

(groans)

HI, HONEY. I'M HOME...

FROM JAIL.

HERE. I BROUGHT YOU SOME DELOUSING SOAP.

BE CAREFUL. IT BURNS.

HOW'D YOU MAKE BAIL?

TWO WORDS, CHERYL.

AFGHANISTAN-BANANASTAN.

OH, HONEY, I'M SORRY.

I GUESS I JUST NEEDED SOME TIME TO FIGURE OUT

WHAT MY PRIORITIES ARE. PRIORITIES?

IT'S A PURSE!

I'M YOUR HUSBAND!

I KNOW. THAT'S WHY IT TOOK SO LONG.

CHERYL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I TAKE YOU FOR A LITTLE TEST DRIVE ON THE LOW ROAD,

YOU STEAL A CAR, KNOCK OVER A LIQUOR STORE

AND RUN ME OVER.

I WAS SURPRISED, TOO. I'M REALLY GOOD AT BEING BAD.

OH. YEAH, WELL, THAT IS NOT GOOD FOR OUR MARRIAGE.

FROM NOW ON, ONE OF US HAS TO BE ON THE HIGH ROAD AT ALL TIMES.

ONE OF US?

YEAH, YOU KNOW, YOU.

(chuckles) (doorbell rings)

WHO'S THAT? OH, THE ONE PHONE CALL I HAD,

I CALLED THAT LADY FROM THE CHILDREN'S SHELTER.

HI.

HI, JIM. YOU SOUNDED UPSET ON THE PHONE.

YEAH, WELL, I'D GOTTEN SOME SOAP IN MY EYES.

BUT I'M LICE-FREE.

OH, GREAT.

UH, COME ON IN.

UH, WE CALLED BECAUSE CHERYL AND I

WANTED TO MAKE A DONATION TO THE CHARITY.

OH.

CHERYL?

(sighs)

HERE.

WE THOUGHT MAYBE YOU COULD AUCTION IT OFF

AT THE NEXT FUND-RAISER.

OOH. IS THIS A STEPHAN BATON?

YEAH.

I NEVER HELD A REAL ONE.

IT'S SO... SUPPLE.

HIGH ROAD, HIGH ROAD, HIGH ROAD.

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET 1,000 BUCKS FOR THAT

AT THE AUCTION.

YES, OF COURSE. AUCTION IT.

THANK YOU.

WELL, I BETTER GO. THE CHILDREN NEED ME.

YOU WON'T BE AT THE NEXT FUND-RAISER, WILL YOU?

THERE IS NO WAY THAT I'M GONNA BE THERE.

EXCELLENT.

JIM, SHE'S GONNA KEEP MY BAG.

NO WAY IN HELL.

IF WE CAN'T HAVE IT, SHE CAN'T HAVE IT. BACK TO THE LOW ROAD?

PUT THIS SKI MASK ON. WE'LL JACK HER IN THE DRIVEWAY.