Original subtitles

SO, HONEY, WHEN YOU'RE DONE IN THE KITCHEN,

WOULD YOU MIND LIFTING UP THE RUGS IN THE LIVING ROOM

AND BUFFING THE HARDWOOD FLOORS IN THERE? THIS IS A FLOOR WAXER?

YEAH. OH, I THOUGHT IT WAS A MINI ZAMBONI

AND WE WERE GONNA MAKE AN ICE RINK OUT IN THE BACKYARD.

OH, HEY, GUYS. GREAT.

OOH, WE WAXING THE FLOOR FOR THE CAKE PARTY?

WHAT? NOTHING, NOTHING. ANDY, GO HOME.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT DID HE SAY? NOTHING, NOTHING.

HE'S BEEN DRINKIN'. WHOO. SMELL THAT BOURBON? NO WAY! I BRUSHED MY TEETH.

FREEZE RIGHT THERE, BOTH OF YA!

I THOUGHT I HEARD THE "P" WORD.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA T-E-L-L SPACE H-I-M.

I DIDN'T HAVE THE C-H-A-N-C-E.

YOU KNOW, I-I-I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SPELL,

I HEARD THE WORD "PARTY."

OKAY, HONEY, HONEY, GIVE ME A CHANCE TO EXPLAIN.

YOU SEE WHAT I'M DOING, CHERYL?

DO YOU SEE HOW I'M GAZING OFF INTO SPACE?

WHAT AM I DOIN', CHERYL? CHECKING YOUR FILES.

I'M CHECKING MY FILES,

AND I DON'T SEE A PARTY REQUEST FORM.

I TOLD YA TO FILE THE FORMS.

I WAS REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO THIS PARTY,

AND NOW THIS JERK IS GONNA RUIN IT.

SEE YA, BUDDY.

COME ON. OKAY, JIM, HERE'S THE THING.

I'M HAVING SOME PEOPLE OVER ON SATURDAY,

BUT I WOULDN'T REALLY CALL IT A PARTY.

WELL, WHAT DO YOU CALL IT? A MEETING OF MY CAKE DECORATING SOCIETY...

ALL RIGHT. AND OUR HUSBANDS.

OH, COME ON, CHERYL! YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE PARTIES.

YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE PEOPLE,

AND PEOPLE AT PARTIES DON'T LIKE ME.

OH, HONEY, I LIKE HAVING PEOPLE OVER. I THINK IT'S FUN.

FUN?

WAS IT FUN AT YOUR BIRTHDAY PARTY, CHERYL?

HEY, HEY! YEAH!

OKAY!

WE'RE DONE HERE! EVERYBODY OUT!

WAS IT FUN CHRISTENING THE TWINS?

(whispers) OKAY, WE'RE DONE HERE.

EVERYBODY OUT.

I KNOW BUT...

(normal voice) WAS IT FUN AT YOUR GAME NIGHT?

I'VE GOT IT! OKAY, WE'RE DONE HERE.

EVERYBODY OUT!

JIM, IT'S ONE NIGHT.

IT'S CAKE AND IT'S DRINKS,

AND IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S IMPORTANT TO ME, CHERYL?

FILING THE PROPER PAPERWORK!

BUT THAT'S NOT AS IMPORTANT AS MAKING ME HAPPY, RIGHT?

I DON'T KNOW. LET ME CHECK THE FILES.

NO, CAN'T FIND IT IN THE FILES.

CHECK UNDER "W" FOR "WEDDING VOWS."

OH, MUST HAVE LOST IT IN THE FIRE.

"L" FOR "LOVING ACTS OF KINDNESS."

NOT THERE.

"H" FOR "HALF YOUR STUFF." THERE IT IS.

♪♪♪

NOW IT'S ALWAYS SMART,

BEFORE WE START, TO REVIEW THE INSTRUCTIONS.

"CHAPTER ONE... SO YOU BOUGHT YOURSELF A NEW WAXER..."

CHAPTER TWO... JIM TURNS IT ON.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! JIM! OH, NO!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?

IT SAYS TO BEGIN ON THE LOWEST SETTING!

OH! TURN IT OFF!

I DON'T KNOW HOW I TURNED IT ON! TURN IT OFF!

WHEW.

WHAT... WHAT DID YOU DO?

I DON'T KNOW. I JUST PRESSED THESE...

OH. OH!

(crash) OW! MY BACK!

UH, APPENDIX A...

"SO YOU'VE HURT YOURSELF USING YOUR NEW WAXER."

HEY, BUDDY, HOW'S YOUR BACK?

CHERYL SAID YOU WERE AT THE EMERGENCY ROOM

FOR A COUPLE HOURS.

I THOUGHT MAYBE YOU COULD USE A HUG.

SO SAY HI TO GET BETTER BEAR.

WELL, HELLO, GET BETTER BEAR.

UH, JIM, ARE YOU OKAY?

OH, MR. BEAR,

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME HONEY?

I DON'T THINK WE HAVE ANY,

BUT WE GOT LOTS OF SUGAR.

UH, LET ME GUESS. PAIN PILLS?

OH, DON'T MIND IF I DO.

OH, THERE ARE MY ANGELS.

HEY...

(high-pitched voice) I LOVE YOU BEAR-Y MUCH!

WHAT THE "H"?

THE, UH, PAIN PILLS YOUR DAD'S TAKIN'

ARE MAKING HIM FEEL PRETTY GOOD.

(whispers) UM, SO IF YOU HAVE ANY BAD NEWS,

NOW'S THE TIME.

I QUIT BASEBALL AND NEVER TOLD YOU.

(normal voice) THAT'S OKAY, SON.

I NEVER PAID THE LEAGUE FEES!

SOMETIMES I STEAL MONEY

FROM MOMMY'S PURSE.

SO DO I!

(normal voice) ALL RIGHT, YOU TWO, BEAT IT.

I GOT SOME THINGS TO SAY BEFORE THIS THING WEARS OFF.

UH, JIM, A-A WHILE AGO

I, UH, RENTED A CAR ON THE COMPANY CREDIT CARD

SO I COULD TAKE A GIRL ON A DATE.

THAT'S GREAT.

I ALSO RENTED THE DATE.

THAT'S OKAY, ANDY.

IT'S ONLY MONEY,

AND I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY.

HEY, HONEY, I WAS THINKING ABOUT MY CAKE PARTY,

AND I WAS THINKING MAYBE 'CAUSE YOU'RE HURT,

I SHOULD POSTPONE IT.

WHY, HONEY? IT'S SO IMPORTANT TO YOU.

YEAH, BUT... BUT MAYBE I SHOULD JUST CUT DOWN THE GUEST LIST.

NO, I THINK YOU SHOULD ADD TO IT.

REALLY? WHO?

(high-pitched voice) HI, CHERYL.

I LIKE CAKE, TOO!

OHH, I LOVE THIS BEAR!

(normal voice) YOU'RE SOMETHIN' ELSE!

I'M GONNA GO IN THE KITCHEN

AND LOOK FOR SOME SUGAR FOR MR. BEAR!

AHH, THERE'S MY BUDDY...

WHO'S WITH HIS BUDDY.

AHH, HEY.

UM, JUST A QUICK HEADS UP,

I'M GONNA BE PLAYING GOLF THURSDAY MORNING,

SO I'M GONNA BE A LITTLE LATE TO WORK.

UH, I'LL BE IN AROUND NOON ON MONDAY.

THAT IS TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE!

OH, UH, NO, I-I JUST THOUGHT THAT...

ANDY, ANDY, PLEASE, I AM WATCHING THE GAME RIGHT NOW!

WELL, WHAT HAPPENED TO...

OH, COME ON, REF! THAT'S THE WORST CALL I'VE EVER...

(grunts) STUPID REF!

AAH! OH, MY GOD!

GET BETTER BEAR!

LET ME GUESS, YOU'RE... YOU'RE OFF THE PAIN MEDS?

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT I AM! WHY?

'CAUSE I DON'T NEED 'EM ANYMORE! I'M NOT IN PAIN!

WELL, YOU SEEM LIKE YOU MIGHT BE IN PAIN.

WELL, I CAN HANDLE IT!

NOW GIVE ME THE REMOTE AND GET ME A SODA.

JEEZ, FINE.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE UPSET AT ME

WHEN KYLE QUIT BASEBALL AND RUBY'S STEALIN' FROM CHERYL.

WHAT?!

PUT MINE IN A GLASS!

DAMN IT!

(chuckles)

NAH, I COULDN'T.

WELL, I COULD...

BUT I SHOULDN'T.

I SHOULDN'T...

(whispers) BUT I MIGHT.

(groaning)

UH, I WANT TO, BUT I WON'T.

HEY!

WHO IS AMBER, AND WHAT DOES SHE DO FOR $500?

(normal voice) I WANT TO, AND I WILL.

(chuckles)

AHH, I DID IT,

AND I'M GLAD.

(groans)

TOOK YOU LONG ENOUGH!

OH... (laughs)

I, UH... I WANTED TO MAKE IT JUST RIGHT.

WELL, HERE IT IS... THE SEARS TOWER IN CAKE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

(sighs) IN A WORD... NO.

WHAT? NOW AS AN ARCHITECT,

MAY I, UH, POINT OUT THAT THE SCALE'S COMPLETELY OFF,

THE DETAIL IS HORRENDOUS,

AND IT'S MISSING ITS TRADEMARK RADIO TOWERS.

I'LL LET YOU LICK THE KNIFE.

OH, HOORAY.

OH, CHERYL?

CHERYL.

I SPOTTED THIS FLOWER ON MY WALK.

IT REMINDED ME OF YOU.

OHH.

IT LOOKS BEAUTIFUL,

IT SMELLS GREAT,

AND IT MAKES ME HAPPY WHEN I LOOK AT IT.

HONEY.

WELL, HELLO, CHEERFUL. WHAT GOT INTO YOU?

(chuckles)

CHERYL!

I-IS THAT THE SEARS TOWER? YEAH.

WHAT A GREAT LIKENESS! AHH!

(coughs) SUCKY CAKE, SUCKY CAKE! (clears throat)

IT'S COMPLETELY EDIBLE,

EVEN THE SECURITY GUARD MADE OUT OF MARZIPAN.

(squeaky laugh)

THE SECURITY GUARDS

ARE MADE OUT OF MAMSY-POO?

I AM GONNA HAVE A GREAT TIME AT THIS PARTY TONIGHT!

WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I NEED TO SPEND SOME TIME WITH MY KIDS,

AND THEN I'M GONNA CLIP THE HAIR OUT OF MY EAR.

MM. MM.

OH, WHAT THE HELL?

YOU TASTE LIKE FROSTING!

I KNEW YOU WOULD!

LOVE THIS GUY, LOVE THIS GUY!

WOW.

THAT WAS WEIRD. (clears throat)

I THOUGHT JIM WAS DONE TAKING HIS PAIN PILLS.

OH, REALLY? UH-HUH.

WELL, MAYBE SOMEONE REFILLED HIS PRESCRIPTION.

(chuckles)

WHAT DID YOU DO?

MM, NOTHING.

YOU DID SOMETHING. OKAY, I DID DO SOMETHING...

SOMETHING WONDERFUL.

ANDY, YOU DRUGGED HIM. (gasps)

CHERYL! "DRUGGED" IS SUCH A TERRIBLE WORD.

WELL... I MEDICATED HIM.

HOW COULD YOU DO THAT?

OH, HE WAS BEIN' A JERK!

SO, YOU KNOW, SOME PILLS ACCIDENTALLY

FOUND THEIR WAY INTO HIS SODA... (gasps)

YESTERDAY... AND AGAIN TODAY.

ANDY, THAT IS DANGEROUS AND IMMORAL.

YOU CAN'T GIVE PAINKILLERS TO SOMEONE

WHEN THEY'RE NOT IN PAIN!

CHERYL, HE TORE THE HEAD OFF A DEFENSELESS GET BETTER BEAR!

AND, BY THE WAY,

HE'S STEALING MONEY FROM YOUR PURSE.

UGH, SO DOES RUBY.

THAT'S NO REASON TO DRUG HIM!

FINE, FINE. YOU'RE RIGHT, YOU'RE RIGHT.

OH, HMM. AHH.

I MEAN, WHAT'S... WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL IF HE'S NOT IN A GOOD MOOD

FOR YOUR CAKE DECORATING PARTY, HUH?

NO, NO, NO.

YOUR GUESTS WILL HAVE A GREAT TIME

FROM THE MOMENT THEY ENTER UNTIL FIVE MINUTES LATER

WHEN JIM YELLS AT THEM TO LEAVE.

OH, I-I-I CAN'T GIVE HIM PAINKILLERS

WHEN HE'S NOT EVEN HURT.

WELL, THEN MAYBE WE SHOULD HURT HIM.

OKAY, WE'RE GONNA ASK JIM TO TAKE THIS CAKE BOX

OUT TO THE FRIDGE IN THE GARAGE. (grunts)

OKAY.

THE WEIGHT OF THE CINDER BLOCKS

WILL THROW HIM OFF BALANCE, AND HE'LL HURT HIS BACK.

OHH.

HE'LL BE IN SO MUCH PAIN, HE'LL HAVE TO TAKE ANOTHER PILL.

THIS IS SO MUCH NICER THAN DRUGGING HIM FOR NO REASON. YEAH.

OHH, SO WHEN DO WE DO IT?

WHEN THE OTHER PILL WEARS OFF. OKAY.

HEY! WHERE'S THE REMOTE?

WHO HID MY REMOTE?

OH, OH.

I FOUND IT. I'M SITTIN' ON IT.

I THINK IT'S TIME. LET ME KNOW HOW IT GOES.

WHOA. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHERE YOU GOIN'?

I CAN'T BE A PART OF THIS.

WHAT? NO, YOU... YOU THOUGHT OF IT!

IT... WE'RE CALLING IT CHERYL'S CINDER BLOCK CAKE PLAN!

ANDY,

THIS IS NOT A REMOTE, THIS IS A CELL PHONE.

I PRESSED CHANNEL 6 AND CALLED MY MOTHER!

HEY, BUDDY,

UM, REALLY GLAD YOU'RE HERE.

LISTEN, CHERYL WOULD LIKE YOU TO TAKE THIS CAKE BOX

OUT TO THE GARAGE REFRIGERATOR.

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE IT?

UH, BECAUSE SHE WANTS YOU TO TAKE IT.

WELL, NOW I'M TELLIN' YOU TO TAKE IT.

NO, SHE TOLD ME TO TELL YOU TO TAKE IT.

WELL, WHAT DOES IT MATTER WHO TAKES... WOULD YOU JUST TAKE IT?!

WOW, YOU'RE QUITE STRONG.

WOULD YOU GET THE DOOR FOR ME?

UH, OH, W-W-WHY DON'T YOU GET THE DOOR?

WHY DO I HAVE TO GET THE DOOR?

FINE, TAKE THE CAKE. FINE. OW!

WHAT WAS THE CINDER BLOCK DOIN' IN THAT BOX FOR THE CAKE?

I COULD'VE PULLED MY BACK AGAIN!

GET ME A PAIN PILL, GET ME A PAIN PILL!

WELL, FINE, FINE.

YOU GOT ONE.

AS LONG AS YOU TELL ME WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE.

OH, THE PAIN, THE PAIN!

RELIEF IS RIGHT HERE!

OH. WHAT'S WITH THE CINDER BLOCK?

UH, IT'S... IT'S A NEW KIND OF CAKE.

I DON'T EXPECT IT'LL CATCH ON.

NO, NO, NO! OKAY, CHERYL... CHERYL'S TRYING TO HURT YOU!

WHY? UH, SHE WANTS YOU TO HAVE TO TAKE PAIN PILLS

SO YOU'RE NOT A JERK AT THE PARTY.

HER WORDS, NOT MINE.

ANDY, DID YOU HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS?

UH, YES, YES I DID.

I WAS IN ON IT FROM THE BEGINNING,

I EVEN HELPED NAME THE PLAN.

ANDY, THANK YOU FOR BEING HONEST.

OHH!

WHAT'D YOU DO THAT FOR?

BECAUSE I'M A JERK WITHOUT MY PAIN PILLS!

SHE WANTS ME HOPPED UP ON PILLS, DOES SHE?

WELL, THEN YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA BE HOPPED UP ON PILLS.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA HAVE NICE MINTY FRESH BREATH.

(gasps) MEREDITH,

THAT IS SO GREAT!

NIAGARA FALLS, RIGHT?

IT WAS THE WHITE HOUSE, WASN'T IT, MERV?

I TRIPPED COMING UP THE STEPS.

(Jim) OOH!

HELLO.

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL

LIVING ROOM.

THAT'S A FUNNY WORD...

ROOM.

(rolls R's) ROOM!

(rolls R's) ROOM!

THERE'S MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE!

GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY WIFE!

EASY, MERV.

(gasps)

TWINS!

HOT!

I-I-I'M SORRY. MY... MY HUSBAND HURT HIS BACK.

HE'S BEEN TAKING SOME PAIN PILLS.

OH, YEAH, ABOUT THAT CHERYL.

TH-THEY'RE NOT REALLY WORKIN', SO I TOOK A COUPLE MORE.

(gasps) WHAT? HOW MANY?

I DON'T KNOW.

TWO?

FOUR?

♪ SIX, EIGHT, WHO DO WE APPRECIATE? ♪

♪ CHERYL, CHERYL

YEAH!

HONEY, HONEY, HONEY.

I THINK MAYBE YOU TOOK TOO MANY.

NO, I-I JUST TOOK LIKE THIS

AND PUT 'EM IN MY HAND LIKE THAT, AND THEN I WENT LIKE THIS.

(gasps) JIM, JIM.

THAT IS REALLY, REALLY BAD.

CHERYL!

LOOK AT THAT!

WOW!

I KNOW THIS ONE.

THIS IS THAT BUILDING IN WASHINGTON

HONORING THAT GUY

WITH THE BUILDING IN WASHINGTON!

THAT'S BIG.

I WOULDN'T DO THAT, CH...

HEY, CHERYL, LOOK.

I'M... I'M JIM-ZILLA.

(growling)

OH! OH!

JIMMY! CAN YOU HEAR ME?

OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD!

IS THAT YOU, MOMMY?

OH, ANDY! ANDY, COME HERE.

JIM... JIM TOOK TOO MANY PAIN PILLS AND HE PASSED OUT!

HE'S FINE. HE DIDN'T TAKE ANY PAIN PILLS.

HE'S FAKIN' IT.

WHAT? WHAT? IS... IS THAT TRUE?

YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT IT'S TRUE!

WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

TO TEACH YOU A LESSON! A LESSON ABOUT WHAT?

THAT EVEN WITHOUT PAIN PILLS,

I'M A PLEASANT GUY!

OKAY, WE'RE DONE HERE.

EVERYBODY OUT!

WELL, CHERYL, AS USUAL,

I'VE DONE SOME OF MY BEST THINKING IN THE SHOWER,

AND I HAVE DECIDED

NOT TO PRESS CHARGES

AS LONG AS YOUR APOLOGY IS SINCERE

AND AT LEAST FIVE MINUTES LONG.

I'M SUPPOSED TO APOLOGIZE TO YOU?

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. LET ME START THE WATCH.

GO!

YOU RUINED MY PARTY,

AND YOU EMBARRASSED ME.

YOU TRIED TO DRUG ME!

MEDICATE YOU.

I JUST DIDN'T WANT ANOTHER PARTY TO END IN A SCENE.

WELL, THEN DON'T INVITE ME!

JIM, IS IT REALLY THAT AWFUL?

YES, CHERYL, IT IS THAT AWFUL. IT IS.

I LOVE YOU, I LOVE THE CHILDREN, AND I TOLERATE ANDY.

THAT IS IT! I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT.

WHY DO YOU KEEP HAVIN' THESE PARTIES?

WELL, I GUESS I JUST KEEP HOPING YOU'RE GONNA LIKE THE NEXT ONE.

CHERYL, CHERYL, AT THE WEDDING,

WHAT WAS THE FIRST THING I SAID AFTER "I DO"?

YOU TURNED TO MY FATHER

AND YOU SAID, "TAKE THAT. SHE'S MINE NOW."

AFTER THAT, AFTER THAT.

YOU SAID, "CAN WE SKIP THE RECEPTION?"

SEE?

I MAY BE A JERK, HONEY, BUT I'M CONSISTENT.

ALL RIGHT, FINE.

FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES, WE'LL NEVER GO TO ANOTHER PARTY.

THANK YOU.

I THINK THAT'S THE FIRST FIGHT I'VE EVER WON.

WAIT, LET ME CHECK MY FILES.

YEP, FIRST ONE!

YES, JIM, YOU WON.

I DID. SO NO MORE KIDS' BIRTHDAY PARTIES?

OH, WE CAN HAVE KIDS' BIRTHDAYS.

NO THANKSGIVING OR CHRISTMAS?

HONEY, THOSE ARE HOLIDAYS. WE HAVE TURKEY.

THAT'S DIFFERENT.

SUPER BOWL? I INVITE A COUPLE FRIENDS OVER!

HOW ABOUT WHEN YOU GET A NEW GRILL? OH, I LOVE BARBECUES.

BUT BARBECUES AREN'T PARTIES.

YES, THEY ARE!

WE JUST DON'T CALL THEM THAT.

REALLY? YES!

WELL, THEN MAYBE IT'S POSSIBLE

I JUST DON'T LIKE MEREDITH AND MERV.

FINE, THEY ARE DEAD TO ME.

KYLE CAN GET A NEW GODMOTHER.

BUT I STILL WIN, RIGHT?

OH, YOU TOTALLY WIN!

YOU TOLD ME WHAT'S WHAT, AND I BACKED DOWN.

DAMN RIGHT.

NOW...

YOU FILE THE PROPER PAPERWORK,

AND I'LL CONSIDER THIS FIGHT OVER.

YOU KNOW,

I THINK I HAVE THE PROPER PAPERWORK RIGHT HERE.

MM.

I THINK I'D LIKE THAT IN TRIPLICATE, PLEASE.