Original subtitles

(dance music playing)

OH, LOOK, JIM. THEY'RE PLAYING THAT STUPID VIDEO GAME AGAIN.

HEY, HEY, GIRLS, COME ON.

I TOLD YOU THIS GAME IS GONNA TURN YOUR MIND TO MUSH.

(music stops) OUTSIDE. YOU SHOULD BE OUTSIDE.

OH, MAN, I WAS NEXT.

COME ON, GO. GO CLIMB A TREE.

PLAY IN A PUDDLE, PUT POO ON A STICK

AND CHASE EACH OTHER.

ENJOY YOUR YOUTH. YOU'LL BE DEAD SOON.

(Jim) YEAH.

COME ON, GO HAVE FUN.

YOU'RE GOING DOWN THIS TIME.

BRING IT ON, FLASHDANCE.

(music resumes)

♪♪♪

(grinding)

WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE? WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

REMEMBER THE MONEY I WAS SUPPOSED TO SPEND

ON THE INSURANCE POLICY? I BOUGHT THIS INSTEAD!

WHAT... A GRIND-YOUR-OWN- SAUSAGE MACHINE?

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

CHECK IT OUT. WE GOT ALL BEEF, ALL PORK

AND THIS BABY. OOH, LOOK AT THAT.

UGH!

(laughing)

WE GOT FIVE DIFFERENT ANIMALS IN HERE.

WE CALL IT "NOAH'S ARK."

(groans)

HEY. ALL RIGHT, LISTEN UP, EVERYBODY.

WE HAVE REALLY, REALLY, REALLY BIG NEWS. YEAH, WELL,

IT'S GOTTA WAIT, 'CAUSE WE'RE MAKING SAUSAGE HISTORY HERE.

SOME KANGAROO, PLEASE?

WE'RE ALL OUT, BUT I GOT SOME FISH STICKS. OH, BRING IT, BRING IT OUT.

GUYS, SERIOUSLY, THIS IS LIFE-CHANGING NEWS HERE.

YEAH. OKAY, READY? WE ARE GONNA HAVE...

(grinding resumes)

(grinding stops)

WE'RE PREGNANT, YOU CHIMPS.

WHAT? WHOA!

OH, MY GOD!

OH, HONEY! CONGRATULATIONS!

THAT'S TERRIFIC, HONEY.

YOU KNOCKED UP MY SISTER. WAY TO GO. OH.

CONGRATULATIONS, DOUG. YOU TOOK CARE OF BUSINESS.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD IT IN YOU. (laughs)

I'M PROUD OF YOU!

HIM? I'M THE ONE CARRYING THE BABY.

HIS PART LASTED A MINUTE AND A HALF. WHAT?

HONEY, HONEY. BABE, COME ON. WOW, DOC. A MINUTE AND A HALF.

SETTING THE BAR KIND OF HIGH FOR THE REST OF US, HUH?

(laughing) OKAY, HONEY.

YOU HAVE TO TELL ME EVERYTHING. ARE YOU NAUSEOUS?

ARE YOUR BOOBS SORE? ARE YOU CONSTIPATED, BECAUSE...

CHERYL, CHERYL, CHERYL, OTHER ROOM, PLEASE. OKAY, OKAY!

YOU'RE GONNA MAKE THE SAUSAGE SICK.

HEY, DID YOU TELL MOM YET? OH, NO, I WAS GOING TO CALL HER FROM HERE.

OKAY, CAN I TELL HER? NO.

COME ON, YOU'RE MARRIED. MOM'S ALL I GOT.

ARE YOU CRAZY? IT'S MY BABY.

YEAH. GOOD POINT. I'LL, UH...

TAKE THE PHONE AND CALL HER!

HEY, WAIT! (laughing) YEAH! IT'S THE GEEK'S TURN NOW!

DOUG, YOU KNOW WHAT? I GOTTA TELL YOU.

I WAS ALL PREPARED TO HATE DANA'S HUSBAND,

BECAUSE I HATE HER SO MUCH, BUT YOU TURNED OUT TO BE OKAY.

WOW. I REALLY APPRECIATE THAT, JIM,

ESPECIALLY THE KIND WORDS ABOUT MY PREGNANT WIFE.

AH. (Andy) AAH! OHH! WHOA, WHOA.

(laughing) SHE'S GIVING THE BIG GUY A WEDGIE.

IT'S PRETTY FUNNY.

HONEY, I'M TOTALLY HAVING A GUMMY CRAVING.

DID YOU BRING THEM? YEAH, YEAH, YEAH. RIGHT HERE, BABE.

OH, GREAT! THANK YOU SO... OH, NO. THESE AREN'T THE RIGHT ONES.

NO, SURE THEY ARE. THEY'RE THE ONES YOU LOVED THIS MORNING. NO, THESE GUMMIES ARE DIFFERENT.

SO, CAN YOU GO GET THE GOOD GUMMIES? OH.

LIKE NOW? THANK YOU. LOVE YOU.

I LOVE YOU BOTH.

(both speaking baby talk)

OKAY.

SO IT BEGINS.

WHAT?

THE LONGEST NINE MONTHS OF YOUR LIFE.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I LOVE THAT WE'RE PREGNANT.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S YOUR FIRST MISTAKE.

"WE'RE" NOT PREGNANT.

SHE'S PREGNANT, YOU WORK FOR HER.

THE PAY SUCKS, YOUR BOSS IS NUTS,

AND IF YOU TRY TO QUIT, THE STATE COMES AFTER YOU.

I DON'T KNOW, JIM.

I MEAN, DANA'S BEEN GREAT.

YEAH, YEAH. WELL, JUST WAIT. IT'S GONNA GET REALLY BAD.

SEE, YOU GOTTA UNDERSTAND. WHEN A WOMAN IS PREGNANT,

THEIR HORMONES ARE RACING THROUGH THEM,

THEY GOT ALL THIS STUFF GOING ON INSIDE THEM

THAT YOU JUST CAN'T UNDERSTAND.

JIM, I'M A FERTILITY DOCTOR.

YEAH. THAT MEANS YOU WEREN'T GOOD ENOUGH

TO BE A REAL DOCTOR, RIGHT?

(laughing) ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I'M JUST SAYING YOU HAVEN'T LIVED WITH A PREGNANT WOMAN.

AND LET ME TELL YOU, IT IS HELL.

I MEAN, THEY GET CRAZY, THEY GET JEALOUS,

THEY GET WHIMPERY, AND THEN THEY GET REALLY INSANE.

I DON'T KNOW. I MEAN, DANA'S A PRETTY SENSIBLE GIRL.

YEAH, YEAH. SO WAS LIZZIE BORDEN.

I'M TELLING YOU,

WHEN SHE WAS PREGNANT, I WOULD... I WOULD TELL A JOKE,

AND SHE WOULD JUST BREAK DOWN INTO TEARS

RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, AND CALL ME INSENSITIVE.

NO OFFENSE, JIM, BUT, UH, I AM A LITTLE FUNNIER THAN YOU.

YEAH. CAN YOU, UH, OPEN A BEER BOTTLE WITH YOUR BUTT?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I'M GONNA BE THERE FOR YOU.

OKAY. QUESTION. YEAH.

DO I WANT YOU THERE?

YEP, YOU'RE GONNA NEED ME THERE. SHE'S GONNA RUN YOU RAGGED.

AND DON'T FIGHT BACK. NEVER ENGAGE A PREGNANT WOMAN.

NEVER. NEVER ENGAGE WITH...

YOU SHOULD NEVER FIGHT WITH THEM FOR THE WHOLE NINE MONTHS

AND THEN 40 DAYS AFTER.

BUT ON DAY 41...

HA HA.

I MEAN, YOU CAN IF YOU WANT,

BUT WHAT'S THE COMEBACK TO "I GOT A LIFE INSIDE OF ME"?

(Dana) HONEY, HAVE YOU LEFT YET FOR OUR GUMMIES?

OH, NOT YET, BABE.

IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE CAR?

TAKE MY NUMBER. I'M A 3-TIMER.

OKAY, HERE YOU GO. DANA'S SPECIAL CHOCOLATE MILK.

(sighs) I THINK I GOT IT RIGHT.

FOURTH TIME IS THE CHARM.

OKAY. DID YOU USE A SPOONFUL OF THE DARK CHOCOLATE,

A PINCH OF THE MALTED AND A SMIDGE OF EXTRA CALCIUM?

SPOONFUL, PINCH, SMIDGE.

(sighs) OKAY. ENJOY.

YEAH.

CLOSER...

STILL NOT RIGHT.

OKAY.

WHY DON'T YOU GO DOWNSTAIRS

AND TAKE A WHACK AT MAKING THE SPECIAL CHOCOLATE MILK?

BECAUSE I'VE BEEN UP AND DOWN THE STAIRS FOUR TIMES, BABE. OH, HONEY, I AM SO SORRY

I'VE MADE YOU GO UP AND DOWN ALL THOSE STAIRS.

AH, IT'S PROBABLY... YEAH, THANKS... SO THAT OUR UNBORN CHILD

COULD HAVE THE NUTRITION HE/SHE NEEDS IN ORDER TO LIVE.

HE/SHE? WHAT, ARE YOU HAVING A TRANSVESTITE? (laughs)

(clears throat)

WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

YOU KNOW, I JUST SAW A SPECIAL ON CABLE

ABOUT A HERMAPHRODITE BABY.

IT WAS CALLED, "WHO LOVES TERRY?"

AND HE/SHE HAD NO FRIENDS!

HE/SHE HAD EACH OTHER.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT MY BODY

IS GOING THROUGH RIGHT NOW?

WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY REMEMBER THAT I'M A FERTILITY DOCTOR?

YEAH, OKAY, BABE, YEAH, ALL RIGHT?

YOUR HORMONES ARE OBVIOUSLY RAGING. OH!

OKAY, SO, MR. BIG FERTILITY DOCTOR'S

GOING TO TELL ME ABOUT MY HORMONES.

I HAPPEN TO HAVE ACED HORMONES IN MEDICAL SCHOOL.

OH YEAH? WELL, I HAVE A LIFE INSIDE OF ME.

YOU KNOW WHAT? I'LL BE BACK. I'VE GOT TO GO TALK TO SOMEBODY.

WHO ARE YOU GONNA TALK TO? THAT NURSE

THAT YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON WITH THE INTIMIDATING EYEBROWS?

NO. JIM. AND, MAN, WAS HE RIGHT.

JIM? JIM WAS RIGHT ABOUT WHAT?

JIM AND I WERE TALKING.

ABOUT PREGNANT WOMEN, AND HOW THEY'RE...

NOT LIKE NORMAL... HUMANS.

ARE YOU SAYING THAT I'M NOT... HUMAN?

(pager beeps)

WHO'S THAT CALLING? IS THAT YOUR SKANK?

NO, IT'S THE HOSPITAL, ALL RIGHT?

THERE'S A WOMAN IN LABOR. I HAVE TO DELIVER A BABY.

YOU LOVE THAT PATIENT'S BABY MORE THAN YOU LOVE OUR BABY.

NO, BABE. HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? THAT'S INSANE.

THEN WHY ARE YOU LEAVING?

BECAUSE I HAVE THIS JOB, THAT NO ONE SEEMS TO REMEMBER,

WHERE I DELIVER BABIES.

WELL, I'M NOT GONNA BE HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK.

(pager beeps)

LOOK, BABE. LISTEN, I REALLY, REALLY HAVE TO GO,

BUT HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THERE'S GUMMY BEARS IN THE DRAWER IF YOU WANT THEM.

CINNAMON FLAVOR?

THEY DON'T MAKE...

OH! YOU DON'T LOVE ME!

(sobbing)

SO, HE REALLY SAID

HE LOVED A PATIENT'S BABY MORE THAN YOURS?

YES. WORD FOR WORD.

OH. AND THEN HE SAID THAT I DIDN'T DESERVE CHOCOLATE MILK

BECAUSE I'M A FAT TRANSVESTITE.

(sobs)

MEN GET SO WEIRD WHEN WE'RE PREGNANT.

I KNOW.

(gasps) YOU!

IT WAS YOU!

(Jim) I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!

YOU FILLED MY HUSBAND'S HEAD WITH YOUR CRAP.

ALL RIGHT, I DID DO THAT.

DO YOU THINK PREGNANT WOMEN ARE NUTS? WHAT? I... WHAT?

DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT MAYBE WE'RE NOT NUTS?

THAT MAYBE YOU'RE ALL INSENSITIVE?

(stammers) WAIT A MINUTE.

I KNOW BETTER NOT TO ENGAGE IN THIS.

(chuckles) I'M GONNA MOVE IN WITH ANDY.

SEE YOU IN A COUPLE OF MONTHS.

MEN HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE.

NO, THEY COULDN'T HANDLE BEING PREGNANT FOR FIVE MINUTES.

NO. WHAT WAS THAT?

WHAT WAS... WHAT WAS THAT?

THEY'RE NOT TOUGH ENOUGH.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT. I SAID IT.

ARE YOU TELLING ME

THAT CLINT EASTWOOD ISN'T TOUGH ENOUGH? OH.

THAT... THAT GENERAL PATTON COULDN'T HAVE A BABY?

I'M TELLING YOU RIGHT NOW,

DICK BUTKUS COULD HAVE A BABY AT HALFTIME,

GO OUT IN THE SECOND HALF, KICK ASS WHILE HE BREAST-FED.

MEN AREN'T TOUGH ENOUGH... OKAY, WHO'S CRAZY?

COME ON, CHERYL, PLEASE. PREGNANCY ISN'T THAT HARD.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? OKAY, WHAT ABOUT LABOR?

LABOR. YES!

SERIOUSLY, DO YOU GET PAID FOR IT?

WE SHOULD. WELL, YEAH, I WISH I HAD THAT JOB.

I'D LIKE TO BE PREGNANT.

I'D LIKE TO STAY HOME ALL DAY AND PLAY WITH MY BIG BOOBS.

OH, CHERYL, THIS IS TERRIBLE. NOW I'M A SINGLE MOTHER.

I'M ALL ALONE. WHAT AM I GONNA DO?

OH, HONEY, YOU ARE GONNA STAY HERE TONIGHT AND EVERY NIGHT

UNTIL YOU FEEL BETTER.

NO, NO, NO, NO, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WAIT A MINUTE.

I DID THE PREGNANCY WARS ALREADY, ALL RIGHT?

I DID THREE TOURS OF DUTY.

YOU'RE NOT SENDING ME OUT ON ANOTHER TOUR.

ALL RIGHT. WELL, THEN,

YOU BETTER TALK SOME SENSE INTO RYAN,

OR GET USED TO THE AIR RAID SIREN.

WHAT AIR RAID SIREN?

HONEY, I THINK YOU'RE STARTING TO SHOW.

(wails)

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I GET IT, I GET IT, I GET IT. OKAY.

I'LL TALK TO RYAN.

HEY, DANA...

WHAT?

STRETCH MARKS.

(wailing)

OH, HONEY, HONEY, HONEY.

EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME, I NEED TO...

EXCUSE ME. HEY. I, UH,

I-I NEED TO SEE DR. GIBSON IMMEDIATELY.

HE IS DELIVERING A BABY RIGHT NOW.

GREAT. JUST SHOW ME TO THE DELIVERY ROOM

AND TOSS ME ONE OF THOSE MASKS.

YOU HAVE VERY INTIMIDATING EYEBROWS.

I SUGGEST YOU TAKE A SEAT.

I-I'M DOING IT.

OKAY, OKAY, I...

I-I HAD THEM LOWER THE THERMOSTAT, HONEY.

IT'LL GET COOLER SOON.

BUT THE SMELL IS STILL AWFUL.

I NEED YOU TO CHANGE THE SMELL IN HERE.

(laughs) WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY I CAN CHANGE THE SMELL,

AND YOU'VE NEVER LIKED THAT ONE BEFORE.

THAT WAS SO INSENSITIVE.

IT WAS. IT REALLY WAS, AND I AM SORRY, SO SORRY.

(under breath) I THOUGHT IT WAS VERY FUNNY.

(sighs)

THE DOCTOR WILL SEE YOU NOW.

OH, OKAY.

(grunts)

HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

OH, I CAN'T COMPLAIN.

SUMMER'S ALMOST HERE, THE CUBS ARE ON A ROLL,

I GOT A LIFE INSIDE OF ME.

YOU HAVE GOT TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THE SMELL IN HERE.

WOW. DOWNTOWN LOOKS REALLY GOOD.

YEAH? YEAH.

HOW'S THE BREAST TENDERNESS?

OOH! STILL TENDER. YEAH, YEAH.

AND YOU KNOW, CHERYL CAN'T KEEP HER HANDS OFF THEM NOW.

AND WHERE IS CHERYL, YOU KNOW?

I THOUGHT FOR SURE SHE'D BE HERE THIS TIME.

OH, PLEASE, I DON'T NEED CHERYL TO HOLD MY HAND.

JUST PUT THE KID UP ON A TV SCREEN.

I'VE GOT TO GET BACK TO WORK.

I GOT TO LAY DOWN A FOUNDATION TODAY.

OOH, THAT'S COLD, THAT'S COLD.

WHEW. HEY,

CAN WE WATCH MY LUNCH DIGEST? I JUST HAD A BURRITO,

I BET THERE'LL BE FIREWORKS IN THERE.

WOW, EVERYTHING LOOKS REALLY GOOD, JIM.

YOU WANT TO KNOW THE SEX?

I CAN TELL BY LOOKING AT THE SCREEN.

LIKE FATHER, LIKE SON.

(laughs)

OH, MY GOD, I'M GOING TO HAVE A BOY.

OH, YOU JUST HOLD TIGHT THERE, LITTLE FELLA.

YOU'RE GONNA BE OUT SOON, AND I'LL BE HOLDING YOU,

AND I'LL TAKE YOU TO YOUR FIRST BALL GAME.

HEY, HEY, HEY. (sniffles)

COME ON. I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M BLUBBERING LIKE THIS.

I'M ACTING LIKE A CHICK. HEY.

IT'S PRETTY WEIRD.

(scoffs) LIKE A WOMAN COULD HANDLE THIS.

(chuckles) PLEASE.

LOOK, I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

EVERY PREGNANT GUY GOES THROUGH THIS.

ALL RIGHT? THAT'S YOUR HORMONES.

JIM, YOU'RE DOING GREAT.

I AM DOING GREAT! YES, YOU ARE.

I AM. I AM.

I REALLY AM, AREN'T I?

I AM DOING A GREAT JOB.

I'M WORKING REALLY HARD. SHH.

IT'S OKAY.

(door thuds)

YOUR BABY'S FINE, BY THE WAY.

OH, HONEY, I-I'M SORRY I COULDN'T MAKE IT.

DANA CAME BY AND... SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH.

YOUR SON DOESN'T WANT TO HEAR IT.

OH! WE'RE HAVING A BOY!

I'M HAVING A BOY.

YOU'RE HAVING A 3-BEAN SALAD.

I'LL BE IN THE GARAGE REHEARSING WITH THE BAND.

OH, JIM, HONEY,

I-I GOT YOU THOSE CHIPS YOU'VE BEEN CRAVING, HUH?

SALT AND VINEGAR?

I DON'T LIKE SALT AND VINEGAR CHIPS. NO, BUT... BUT YOU...

I DON'T LIKE SALT AND VINEGAR CHIPS.

YOU MUST BE THINKING ABOUT SOMEBODY ELSE.

YOU MUST BE THINKING ABOUT THAT STOCK BOY

AT THE MARKET, THE HANDSOME ONE. WHAT'S HIS NAME? JULIO.

OH, JIM.

HEY, JIM. WHAT?

VARICOSE VEINS.

(wailing)

(playing harmonica)

ALL RIGHT, GUYS, LISTEN UP.

(sighing)

ALL RIGHT. WHAT SONG DO YOU WANT TO PLAY?

SHH, PLEASE. I JUST GOT APPLE ASLEEP, OKAY?

IF SHE DOESN'T HAVE HER NAP, SHE'S A TERROR.

OH, COME ON, ANDY. WE'VE GOT BAND PRACTICE HERE.

WE'RE GONNA BE PLAYING MUSIC. IT'S GONNA GET LOUD IN HERE.

WELL, THEN, CAN WE PLAY "WHEELS ON THE BUS GO ROUND AND ROUND"?

I LOVE THAT SONG.

LET'S DO IT! ALL RIGHT.

WHOA, WHOA, HOLD ON, FELLAS. I GOTTA GO TAKE A LEAK.

JUNIOR'S PLAYING SOCCER WITH MY BLADDER. (groans)

ALL RIGHT, WELL, HURRY UP.

CHARLIE, WILL YOU RUB MY BACK? IT'S KILLING ME.

OH, YOUR SCIATICA? NO, JUST MY BACK.

COULD YOU RUB MY BACK WHILE HE'S RUBBING YOUR BACK?

YOU GOT A WIFE TO RUB YOUR BACK. OH, CHERYL, PLEASE.

SHE DIDN'T EVEN COME FOR THE SONOGRAM TODAY. (together) WHAT?

OH, TYPICAL.

WOMEN. THEY'RE THERE WHEN YOU'RE MIXING THE BATTER,

BUT WHERE ARE THEY WHEN YOU'RE BAKING THE CAKE? YEAH.

ALL RIGHT, FELLAS, LET'S ROCK THIS...

OH, DAMN. I GOTTA GO AGAIN. OH, JEEZ.

YOU KNOW WHAT? FORGET CHERYL. YOU KNOW WHAT? FORGET THE WOMEN.

WE DON'T NEED THE WOMEN. WE'RE MEN. WE'RE STRONG ENOUGH.

WE CAN DO IT OURSELVES. OF COURSE.

I-I DON'T KNOW, FELLAS.

MAN, LIFE'S BEEN HELL SINCE MY BABY'S MAMA TOOK OFF.

NOW IT'S JUST APPLE AND ME AGAINST THE WORLD.

OH, BOY. HERE COME THE WATERWORKS.

OH. (baby crying)

OH, ARE YOU HUNGRY, SWEETIE?

OKAY, DADDY'S GONNA FILL YOU RIGHT UP, ALL RIGHT?

COME HERE.

OH, EASY. OH, MAN, MY MAN-MARIES ARE KILLING ME.

HAVE YOU SEEN ANYTHING MORE BEAUTIFUL IN YOUR LIFE? MNH-MNH. NO.

OH, JEEZ, ANDY. DO YOU HAVE TO DO THAT IN HERE?

I PARK MY CAR IN HERE.

JIM, WHAT ARE THESE?

THESE? OH, THESE ARE MY NEW PATERNITY CLOTHES.

UH-HUH. YOU LIKE 'EM?

HUH? THE OTHER ONES WOULDN'T FIT.

OH, I LOVE THAT SILK PANEL.

UH-HUH.

WHAT? WHAT'S WRONG NOW?

WELL, NOTHING, JIM. IT'S JUST... YOU'RE BUYING ALL THESE CLOTHES

YOU'RE ONLY GONNA WEAR FOR A MONTH.

CHERYL, I WANT TO LOOK NICE. IS THAT A CRIME?

OH, JIM, I MEAN, COME ON. A-A BEARS PATERNITY JERSEY?

ADORABLE! HEY.

SERIOUSLY, WHEN ARE YOU EVER GONNA WEAR THIS AGAIN?

WELL, WHAT IF IT TAKES SOME TIME TO GET MY BABY WEIGHT OFF?

WELL, JIM, HOW LONG'S THAT GONNA TAKE?

(all gasping)

CHERYL, THAT IS SO INSENSITIVE OF YOU. OH.

CHERYL, I GOT A LIFE GOING ON IN HERE, ALL RIGHT?

I'VE GOT A MIRACLE GOING ON IN THIS BELLY.

YES, I KNOW, HONEY. IT'S A MIRACLE.

A MIRACLE THAT HAS LITERALLY HAPPENED

TO EVERY PERSON THAT'S EVER LIVED.

IT'S QUITE AN EXCLUSIVE CLUB.

(all gasp)

OH, WOULD YOU KNOCK IT OFF? CHERYL...

I WISH YOU COULD BE PREGNANT FOR JUST FIVE MINUTES,

AND THEN YOU WOULD SEE WHAT IT'S LIKE... (gasps)

OH, MY GOD. MY WATER BROKE! WHAT?

I'M IN LABOR! (cheering)

I WANT THE EPIDURAL! I WANT THE EPIDURAL!

MY WATER BROKE. I'M IN LABOR. I WANT AN EPIDURAL, CHERYL.

JIM. I WANT AN EPIDURAL!

HEY, JIM! JIM. ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

WHAT?

ARE YOU OKAY?

(inhales sharply)

I'M FINE.

I'M FINE! BUT, RYAN, YOU'RE NOT.

NO, NO, RYAN, YOU'VE GOTTA GO BACK TO MY HOUSE,

AND YOU GOTTA TAKE CARE OF THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD,

DAMN IT. AND YOU. YOU, SIR,

YOU HAVE GOT TO FIX THE SMELL IN THIS ROOM FOR HER.

AND NO MORE STUPID JOKES. YOU SAID IT WAS FUNNY.

YEAH, THAT WAS FUNNY.

FROM NOW ON, THE PREGNANT WOMAN IS ALWAYS RIGHT!

AND THAT INCLUDES ME!

COME ON, LET'S GET BACK TO THE HOUSE.

ALL RIGHT!

HERE WE ARE.

I'VE GOT 50 DIFFERENT KINDS OF GUMMY BEARS

AND EVERY KIND OF CHOCOLATE THAT THEY MAKE.

JIM, WHAT'S ALL THIS?

THIS IS THE NUTRITION THAT OUR BABY NEEDS.

HEY, HEY!

RYAN, COME ON. GET IN HERE. LET'S GO.

(bells jingling) OH!

LOOK, I'M REALLY, REALLY SORRY, DANA.

(whispering) NOT... NO, NO, NO, THAT'S NOT HOW IT GOES.

YOU DO IT DIFFERENT. GO ON. I DON'T... WHAT'S DIFFERENT...

DO YOU LOVE YOUR BABY? YEAH.

WELL, JUST DO IT! (sighs)

(imitating cartoon voice) I'M SORRY, DANA.

I HAVE A BELL AROUND MY NECK, AND I WANT YOU TO RING IT

WHENEVER YOU NEED ANYTHING. AND YOUR HUSBAND...

(normal voice) THE FERTILITY DOCTOR...

(resumes cartoon voice) WILL COME RUNNING RIGHT AWAY.

AND? AND?

AND I ALSO FOUND OUT

THAT NURSE EYEBROWS IS A LESBIAN.

(Dana clapping)

PLEASE COME HOME. OH, OF COURSE I'LL COME HOME.

OH, LOOK AT THAT, WILL YOU?

YOUNG LOVE WARMS THE COCKLES OF MY HEART.

WHO ARE YOU?

AND WHERE WERE YOU WHEN I WAS PREGNANT?

YOU KNOW, I COULD ASK YOU THE SAME QUESTION.

WHAT... JIM, I'M BEING SERIOUS HERE... SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH!

(stammers) IT'S DANA'S TIME NOW. OH.

THAT'S IT, PRECIOUS.

YOU EAT IT UP. DADDY'S GOT PLENTY.

ANDY, WHAT... WHAT THE HELL WAS... WHAT IS THAT?

MY SWEET LITTLE BABY.

WHAT? EVERYBODY,

SAY HI TO APPLE.

OH... (laughing)

I NAMED HER APPLE,

'CAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA JAM IN HER MOUTH WHEN I COOK HER.

(together) AW!

FATTEN UP, LITTLE PRETTY. OH.