Original subtitles

- LUCY: Supporting each other must be the key to opening the vortex.

The vortex won't let us leave

until we find who the real killer is.

- Are we back? - Only one way to find out.

(INTRIGUING ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

Captions by Able. www.able.co.nz

(INTRIGUING MUSIC BUILDS)

(MUSIC ENDS)

- NARRATOR: Warren and Lucy seemed to have arrived in a perfect world.

But as we all know, that's not how the vortex works.

- Ah, there he is,

just in time to play us the pan flute.

- Oh, Warren, you just have to try this.

You too, lovely Lucy.

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

- Uh, interesting? - Hmm. Mm-hm.

- Unique. - Fermented soybeans.

- I kind of like this world, Dad.

- Hey, uh, got any sausages?

(ALL LAUGH)

- Oh, sausages. Oh, Warren, you are such a scream.

Now, if you don't mind, the barbecue is my domain.

- Hinemoa? - (INHALES DEEPLY)

(GASPS) Significant other!

- Oh. - (LAUGHS WARMLY)

- I missed you.

- I've only been in the kitchen, silly.

- Yeah, um, babe, have we got any pork sausies in the fridge?

I'm starving. - (LAUGHS) No.

We're vegan, you egg.

And we don't have eggs either.

(MEDITATIVE MUSIC)

- Oh, hi, Lucy.

- Hi, Bo.

- Do you wanna see my new tattoo? - Uh, sure.

- You can touch it if you like.

- (SCOFFS) That takes irony to a whole new level.

- I'm so glad you get it.

You know, people say that Da Vinci was ahead of his time,

but really I think he was just outside the realms

of our comprehension. What do you think about that statement?

- Um, I? - Shall we take this inside?

I've got some poems I'd like to read you as well.

(MYSTICAL MUSIC)

- Seeing you together reminds me how awesome you are, e hoa.

Hey, come on.

- Uh-uh. - Come on.

Hey? (BOTH CHUCKLE)

- Aw.

- Mm. - Mm.

(EXHALES) Mm. - Mm.

Here.

Hey,

I see you, brother.

- TOGETHER: We all see you, brother.

- Yep, and I see you too. Youse are right in front of me.

Are you smoking now, bro? - No, no, I'm not smoking.

This is my thinking tool. It gives me clarity.

Smoking! (ALL LAUGH)

- Oh, Warren,

my friend, I've gotta show you the salad that I brought.

- Mm. - Now, it is chock full

of Indonesian greens and some of those dandelion leaves

that we foraged yesterday.

Here you go.

(CRUNCH!) - Mmm!

- Ooh.

Ooh. Oh my, you got really tense shoulders.

It goes all the way up to your neck.

(BONES CRUNCH) - Ah! (CLEARS THROAT)

- Oh, we should do some calming exercises.

- Nope. I'm good, I'm good. Where's Lucy?

- You seem distressed. - Mm.

- Maybe we should talk about your feelings.

- No, kei te pai, Muzz.

- Muzz? - Yeah.

- Who's Muzz?

- That's you. - No.

My name is Murray.

And if you're gonna shorten it, it should be Murr.

Why do you keep adding on Z's everything?

- You're the one that chose that name.

It's even on your rugby jersey.

- Rugger-bee?

What's this rugger-bee of which you speak?

I've never heard of it.

(PIERCING, EERIE MUSIC)

- I've written a haiku on a piece of recycled paper.

READS: 'Lucy's grace shines bright. Sunlight dances in her eyes,

'beauty in each step.'

(DOOR CLOSES)

- Uh, Dad, are you OK? - Ah, ah-dah-dah.

- TV: Welcome to ESPN... - Oh, thank God.

- ...the got the Essays, Sonnets, and Poetry Network.

- No. Please, no.

- Here's your host, Dr Sean Fitzpatrick.

- I thought you'd be cold,

o tree that my love hangs upon.

- Oh. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Lucy? - Mm.

- Shed now.

(MYSTICAL MUSIC)

Rugby god Tana Umaga is a poet laureate?! This world is crazy.

- Oh, come on, Dad, it's nice. No one's trying to kill us.

The food's actually really good.

Your friends are intelligent, for once.

Some might even say it's a utopia.

Or is itanutopia?

- Nope, can't have a utopia without rugby.

Sorry, darling, that's just a fact.

No, no, no. (CHUCKLES)

I know what I have to do to open the vortex.

- OK, in the words of every Star Wars character ever ?

I have a bad feeling about this. (TAPE TEARS)

- ...and I opened my bag, and it was full of rose petals.

- ALL: Aww.

- Wow, how sweet. Kia ora, e hoa ma.

Uh, I was wondering if any of you fullas?

I mean, you gentlemen

would like to accompany me to the park down the road.

- Hmm. - Let us commune with nature

as friends and kindred spirits.

- Oh, we can listen to the tui.

Oh, their song is so beautiful this time of year.

- Yep, that's it. We will listen to some tui, love me a bit of tui,

but also I would like to teach you all a little game.

- Surely if we want to hear the tui, we should be deeper in the forest.

- Uh, spread out.

(MAJESTIC, MYSTICAL MUSIC)

- OK, um, spread out in a line with some distance in between you.

You see this?

This is a rugby ball.

Hup. - (GRUNTS)

- Now you pass it to Darren.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Throw it to Darren.

Come on, bro, you can do better than that.

Uh, try that again but with a bit more kaha behind it.

And from your hip, like this.

- From the hip. - Yeah.

- (GASPS EXCITEDLY) - Yeah, yeah, better.

- Yeah.

- OK, now you have a go, Dazz.

- Dazz. I like the shortening of names and adding a Z.

(CHUCKLES) OK, Muzz. - Yeah.

Aargh! Oh, I got it! Ooh. Ooh, I like that ? heaps of kaha.

- Pretty mean, eh? - Yeah!

Hup!

(GRUNTING)

- (LAUGHS) Oh, Dazz. - Hey!

Throw it properly.

(AGGRESSIVE GRUNTING)

- # Rugby in our DNA.

# We watch at night, and we play all day.

# Run, tackle,

# pass the ball, hit the ruck,

# the rolling maul...

- I could be a line-out.

- # ...and kick the ball!

# Rolling maul.

# Rolling maul.

(ALL CHEER, LAUGH GIDDILY)

# Rugby is in our blood.

# Feel the pain,

# taste the mud.

# Crunch, pummel, one and all,

# the glory of the oval ball...

- Yeah.

- # ...the oval ball!

# Ow!

# The oval ball!

- Scrum time.

Crouch, touch, engage.

(ALL GRUNT, LAUGH)

Smells like fish and chips in here. Here's the ball!

(HARMONISING GUITARS SOLO)

- # All right!

# Chow down with the other guys,

# orange segments, beer and pies.

# Run, tackle, rolling maul...

- He almost kicked me! He almost kicked me!

- # ...the glory of the oval ball.

- Whoo! How awesome was that, hey, brothers?

- Rugby! - Yeah!

- What do you reckon, Muzz? What did you like about that?

- Rugby! - Yeah!

- Yep, that's the name of the game, but what did you like about it?

- Rugby! - Yeah!

- Ruck!

- ALL CHANT: Rugger-bee, rugger-bee, rugger-bee!

CHANTING INTENSIFIES: Rugger-bee! Rugger-bee! Rugger-bee!

Rugger-bee! Rugger-bee! Rugger-bee! - Oh, run, they've gone rugby mad!

(ALL CHEER)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING, CHEERING)

(MYSTICAL TABLA MUSIC)

- Mmm, wow. This chakra chai soothing my chakras to no end.

- I knew you'd like it. - Love it.

My chakras are... good to go.

So, um, yeah, I would be keen to go to France with you.

I think I'd love that. - Me too.

Speaking of France,

would you care to kiss...

(PLACES MUG DOWN)

...in the style of the French?

(SULTRY ACCORDION MUSIC)

May I have your consent? - Yes, yeah. Um...

I consent.

- (GRUNTS BREATHLESSLY)

- Uh, kei te pai koe, Mr Harrison?

- Dad, what have you done?

- It wasn't intentional, I swear.

- TV: A citywide riot has broken out across Wellington and Lower Hutt.

We cross live to reporter Karen Karrin.

- Thanks, Dominic. So, we're here in the streets,

watching hordes of men wreaking havoc, tackling anything that moves,

and then forming impromptu huddles where they eat orange segments.

I've managed to find someone I can talk to.

What's your name, sir? - Baz!

- And, um, why are you doing all this tackling?

- Cos it's awesome!

- Are you concerned that some people don't want to be tackled?

- No, it's awesome! Rugger-bee! Rugger-bee!

(MAN SHRIEKS)

- So far, one fatality has been reported.

A Mrs Beverly Schrodinger was sadly killed in a rolling maul.

Authorities advise everyone to stay indoors and avoid all contact

with oval objects.

- Oranges! (WOMAN GRUNTS)

- Back to you in the studio. - Fuck yeah!

- Dad, what have you done?

- I didn't know it was gonna get this bad, OK?

They just went rugby crazy.

All I did was teach them a few, like, spin passes,

some chip kicks, and throw-ins and a scrum. That's it.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

- I don't know, but I like the sound of this rugger-bee.

- No, no, no, no, no, no. Bo, hey, hey, look at me.

What about the fact that different characters in Winnie the Pooh

represent different types of neurodiversity?

- Wow. I haven't thought about that, but it's so true.

- You have to fix this. - How?

(LIVELY KNOCKING AT DOOR) Uh, no, no, don't answer that.

- Well, that could be the artisan chutney that I ordered.

- No, um, Honey... Honey, wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

- Hey, nihao, namaste, talofa lava, tena koe, and bonjour.

I always forget bonjour. And he's French.

Hey, my name's, uh, P William Doyle,

and I'm a COP, a counsellor of people. It's an acronym.

- Yep, uh, I know who you are, Phil. - Hey, friend.

Hey, Hinemoa.

- Phillip.

- Nice man bun. - Oh, thank you. That's...

Wow, that's a nice compliment. Thank you.

Um, so, look, it's come to my attention, or our attention,

that you've incited the citywide riots that are currently

taking place in the city.

- Hey, look, I only wanted to teach some dudes

about the greatest game that ever was.

I never thought it would end like this.

- (CHUCKLES) All these emotions that are bubbling away down there.

You know what we should do? Let's talk about your feelings

down at the station over a serenity brew or three.

- Why can't we just have a chat here?

- Well, I just don't really feel like the feng shui in here

is conducive to us having some open and honest dialogue. That's all.

Why don't you come with me down the station?

There we go. He won't be long.

Bye, queen.

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

(SLURPS)

Mmm.

Mmm. How's the serenity brew, Warren? How's the serenity brew?

(CHUCKLES)

Now, Warren, I think it's important for us to talk through the context

of what you've done. Now, would you be open to doing that?

- Mm-hm, mm. - Good. Good for you, mate.

Now, not a lot of people know this, mate, but the game of...

(WHISPERS) 'rugby'

was outlawed in the early part of the 20th century. See ya later.

And the New Zealand government since that time, quite rightly,

has tried to suppress

any sporting activity that might cause public disorder,

and any person still wrestling with the compulsion

to play the game of rugby is usually bound up into a straitjacket

and shipped off to the global sporting penile colony

that we all know as (WHISPERS) Australia.

- Yeah, well, where I come from, rugby brings us all together.

- What are you talking about? Where abouts you come from?

- Ah, I mean, uh?

- Hey, you're not from (WHISPERS) 'Australia', are you?

- No, relax. I'm not from Australia. - Whoo! Holy smoke!

You can't scare me like that, mate.

Whoo! My sacral chakra just about did a backflip.

Goodness gracious me. Hey, if you're not from Australia,

then how do you know the rules of this heathen sport

known as (WHISPERS) rugger-bee?

- I, uh, guess it's just in my... DNA.

- Well, let's get it out of there, mate. Let's get it out of your DNA.

Now, here we at COPS, we have a procedure

whereby we like to let the perpetrator ? that's you, Warren ?

know the effect of their actions on the wider community,

and I find the best way to do that

is through the power of non-confrontational improv.

Now, would you be open to doing some non-confrontational improv, Warren?

- Yes.

- Epic.

- That actually looks surprisingly...

bewilderingly, frickin' awesome, eh! - No, no, it's just a silly game.

Um, do you do any other kinds of physical activities?

- Yeah, I do a little capoeira, uh, and some interpretive dance,

uh, in amongst designing my own line of bespoke shoes.

- Wow. Correct answer. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

- I hope your dad's OK. - He's gonna be fine.

(PLAYFUL GRUNTING)

- Ah, aah, aah!

- Let me out, Mum. It's dark in here.

- Ah...

- This time, Warren, you ask me how I am, and I'll be you, OK?

- Hi, Warren. How are you?

- DEEP VOICE: Oh, me don't know cos me big dum-dum. Me dumb.

- I don't sound like that.

- Well, you would if you had a concussion, mate,

which I believe happens a lot in the game of rugby.

Uh, let's stay in it. OK, this time, ask me if I want to go to the opera.

- Hi, Warren. Would you like to go to the opera?

- Oh, me not know what opera is cos me big dum-dum.

Me have too many knock to the head. Me don't know, Mr Man.

- (SIGHS) Look, playing rugby doesn't automatically make you stupid, OK?

- Well, I just think you're finding this very confronting, Warren,

having someone like myself reflect yourself back at you so accurately.

I thought that was very good, mate, very good,

some really positive things in there, Warren.

And I think all that's left for you, mate,

is to attend...

your re-blossoming.

- My re-what?

- It's a series of lectures based on anthropology, sculpting,

and the history of Mongolian throat singing.

And I'll tell you what, mate, you're gonna love it. (CHUCKLES)

- OK. - Yeah.

- So can I go now?

- Well, you've always been free to go, mate. No one's holding you here.

- Really? So... I don't have to be here anymore?

- No, you came here of your own free will, remember?

DEEP VOICE: Or did you take another knock to the head

cos you big dum-dum?

Now, let's not forget this, your beautiful cashmere cardigan

that you wrapped up and transformed into

(WHISPERS) that nasty, nasty rugby ball.

There you go, mate. - OK.

- There you go. Good game. - OK.

Wow.

- Hey, Doyle said I was free to go.

- You were free to go, Warren... - (GRUNTS)

- ...but in doing so, you evaded arrest,

and that, my friend, is punishable by execution,

I'm sorry to say. - Seriously?

Deadly. Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho, yes!

They call me Attila, mate, Attila the pun.

- You know, this isn't the first time this has happened.

What is it with you dystopian societies and your executions?

What happened to my re-blossoming

or the Mongolian throat kissing or whatever?

- Well, you forfeited all that, mate,

when you waddled out of the interrogation room

with your big dummy face, OK?

I think now's a good time for us to get this little scallywag ready

for his execution, friends. What say you?

(BIRDS CHIRP)

- I've really enjoyed our time together.

- Me too. I don't think this reality could get any better.

- I know one way we can make it better.

Would you like to kiss in the style of the French now?

- Oui, oui.

(MYSTICAL MUSIC)

(CAR HORN BEEPS) - HINE: Hi, honey.

Hi, honey. Hey, jump in.

Your father is about to be executed. - Executed? What the heck for?

- Oh, crimes against the humanities.

So we should probably have a chat with him before that happens.

- They're gonna execute him?

- Yeah. Executions happen all the time.

You should definitely go, though.

Watching your father's execution might bring some closure for you.

(DRAMATIC, PRESSING MUSIC)

- How do we save him? - Hm?

Who? - Dad, obviously.

How do we stop them executing him? - Oh, no, there's no stopping it.

Look, I'm just trying to book a table

at that amazing Ethiopian place. I thought we could go there after.

- Yes, and they do those stunning fermented injera pancakes.

- Where do they do the executions? - You know where they do them.

You've been to at least 50 of them. - 50?!

Why does this reality have to have such a dark underbelly?

- I always say that, um,

execution is a small price to pay for paradise.

- Drive there now.

(OMINOUS TONE)

- Talofa lava. - Wait, you're my executioner?

- Yeah, well, it's reliable work, and it's fun, too. (CHUCKLES)

(EXHALES SHARPLY) - Wait, what are you doing?

- Oh, we've started executing through the use of blow darts.

Now, this frog's called Janice. Isn't she gorgeous?

So the poison she secretes is all natural, OK,

and that's humanely extracted.

Oh, also, we brought the Bolivian poison dart frog

back from the brink of extinction. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

- Why don't you just use guns, man?

- (SCOFFS) It's far too barbaric.

- Dad! Dad! - Lucy!

- You're right. We have to get out of here.

I'm sorry I didn't believe you that this universe sucks.

- CHANTS: Peace be with you, inside you and around you.

- Mr Doyle, please, please don't kill my dad.

- Of course I won't. Don't worry about it.

I'm gonna get one of his best friends, Darren, to do it.

Let's go, Dazzle.

- Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait, wait-wait-wait-wait-wait,

wait-wait-wait-wait, wait-wait-wait-wait-wait!

Can I please?? At least let me have some final words.

- Hey, I really like that you said 'please' there.

It shows a lot of manners. So, yes, I'm gonna let you

say some final words, but you have to tell them through the medium

of an interpretative dance. Yay! Let's go, Warren!

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

- Hey, look, I'm just gonna say some actual words.

If I'm gonna die today, I just wanna say,

Hinemoa, I've travelled to many universes,

and in each one, I just...

I just fall in love with you all over again.

Wherever I go, you're the light that guides me home.

I just wanna come home, my darling,

we both do.

We wanna come home to you.

(TENDER, MOMENTOUS MUSIC)

- Oh, Warren,

um, I have something to confess.

Um, I've been practising, um...

ethical non-monogamy with...

Inspector Phil Doyle. - And she is amazing, Warren,

monog-amazing, I have to say, so giving.

And so are you, mate. That speech was so heartfelt.

It really moved me.

I think you'd have to have a heart of stone not to be moved

by those words.

So here's what we're gonna do, Warren ?

continue the execution!

Yes, let's go.

- Lucy, no! No!

- Don't kill my dad!

(SCREAMS AGGRESSIVELY)

- (GASPS)

Crrrikey.

(PIERCING STATIC HISSES)

- (BREATHES SHAKILY)

What the Gundam Wing just happened?

(STATIC TINKLES) Vortex!

Let's go!

(LUCY GRUNTS)

What the hell did my body just do?

What was that, Dad?

- Uh, yeah, uh, about that, sweetheart, um...

OK, this was bound to come out sooner than later.

- What?

- Your? Your mother and I never told you the truth

about where you really come from.

It all happened 18 years ago.

(RETRO, MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

(VORTEX PULSATES)

(RETRO, MYSTERIOUS MUSIC CONTINUES)

(VORTEX CONTINUES PULSATING)

Uh...

- Wait, I came out of the vortex.

What universe did I come from?

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(WHIZZING)

I don't think this is our home.

- No, Lucy, I think this isyourhome.

(GRUNTS BREATHLESSLY)

(GROANS)

- (BREATHES SHAKILY)

Dad! Wake up!

- NARRATOR: Perhaps Warren's luck has finally run out,

but that's a story for another time, another place...

- Dad!

- ...another world.

- Dad!

(WHOOSH!)

(INTRIGUING ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

Captions by Able. www.able.co.nz

(INTRIGUING MUSIC BUILDS)

(MUSIC ENDS)

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0