All language subtitles for Warrens Vortex s01e06 lost forward.eng

- LUCY: Supporting each other must
be the key to opening the vortex.

The vortex won't let us leave

until we find who
the real killer is.

- Are we back?
- Only one way to find out.

(INTRIGUING ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

Captions by Able.
www.able.co.nz

(INTRIGUING MUSIC BUILDS)

(MUSIC ENDS)

- NARRATOR: Warren and Lucy seemed
to have arrived in a perfect world.

But as we all know,
that's not how the vortex works.

- Ah, there he is,

just in time to play
us the pan flute.

- Oh, Warren,
you just have to try this.

You too, lovely Lucy.

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

- Uh, interesting?
- Hmm. Mm-hm.

- Unique.
- Fermented soybeans.

- I kind of like this world, Dad.

- Hey, uh, got any sausages?

(ALL LAUGH)

- Oh, sausages.
Oh, Warren, you are such a scream.

Now, if you don't mind,
the barbecue is my domain.

- Hinemoa?
- (INHALES DEEPLY)

(GASPS) Significant other!

- Oh.
- (LAUGHS WARMLY)

- I missed you.

- I've only been
in the kitchen, silly.

- Yeah, um, babe, have we got
any pork sausies in the fridge?

I'm starving.
- (LAUGHS) No.

We're vegan, you egg.

And we don't have eggs either.

(MEDITATIVE MUSIC)

- Oh, hi, Lucy.

- Hi, Bo.

- Do you wanna see my new tattoo?
- Uh, sure.

- You can touch it if you like.

- (SCOFFS) That takes irony
to a whole new level.

- I'm so glad you get it.

You know, people say that Da Vinci
was ahead of his time,

but really I think he was
just outside the realms

of our comprehension. What do
you think about that statement?

- Um, I?
- Shall we take this inside?

I've got some poems
I'd like to read you as well.

(MYSTICAL MUSIC)

- Seeing you together reminds
me how awesome you are, e hoa.

Hey, come on.

- Uh-uh.
- Come on.

Hey?
(BOTH CHUCKLE)

- Aw.

- Mm.
- Mm.

(EXHALES) Mm.
- Mm.

Here.

Hey,

I see you, brother.

- TOGETHER: We all see you, brother.

- Yep, and I see you too.
Youse are right in front of me.

Are you smoking now, bro?
- No, no, I'm not smoking.

This is my thinking tool.
It gives me clarity.

Smoking!
(ALL LAUGH)

- Oh, Warren,

my friend, I've gotta show
you the salad that I brought.

- Mm.
- Now, it is chock full

of Indonesian greens and
some of those dandelion leaves

that we foraged yesterday.

Here you go.

(CRUNCH!)
- Mmm!

- Ooh.

Ooh. Oh my,
you got really tense shoulders.

It goes all the way
up to your neck.

(BONES CRUNCH)
- Ah! (CLEARS THROAT)

- Oh, we should do
some calming exercises.

- Nope. I'm good, I'm good.
Where's Lucy?

- You seem distressed.
- Mm.

- Maybe we should talk
about your feelings.

- No, kei te pai, Muzz.

- Muzz?
- Yeah.

- Who's Muzz?

- That's you.
- No.

My name is Murray.

And if you're gonna shorten it,
it should be Murr.

Why do you keep adding
on Z's everything?

- You're the one
that chose that name.

It's even on your rugby jersey.

- Rugger-bee?

What's this rugger-bee
of which you speak?

I've never heard of it.

(PIERCING, EERIE MUSIC)

- I've written a haiku
on a piece of recycled paper.

READS: 'Lucy's grace shines bright.
Sunlight dances in her eyes,

'beauty in each step.'

(DOOR CLOSES)

- Uh, Dad, are you OK?
- Ah, ah-dah-dah.

- TV: Welcome to ESPN...
- Oh, thank God.

- ...the got the Essays,
Sonnets, and Poetry Network.

- No. Please, no.

- Here's your host,
Dr Sean Fitzpatrick.

- I thought you'd be cold,

o tree that my love hangs upon.

- Oh. (CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

Lucy?
- Mm.

- Shed now.

(MYSTICAL MUSIC)

Rugby god Tana Umaga is a poet
laureate?! This world is crazy.

- Oh, come on, Dad, it's nice.
No one's trying to kill us.

The food's actually really good.

Your friends are intelligent,
for once.

Some might even say it's a utopia.

Or is itanutopia?

- Nope, can't have a utopia
without rugby.

Sorry, darling, that's just a fact.

No, no, no. (CHUCKLES)

I know what I have to do
to open the vortex.

- OK, in the words of
every Star Wars character ever ?

I have a bad feeling about this.
(TAPE TEARS)

- ...and I opened my bag,
and it was full of rose petals.

- ALL: Aww.

- Wow, how sweet. Kia ora, e hoa ma.

Uh, I was wondering
if any of you fullas?

I mean, you gentlemen

would like to accompany
me to the park down the road.

- Hmm.
- Let us commune with nature

as friends and kindred spirits.

- Oh, we can listen to the tui.

Oh, their song is so beautiful
this time of year.

- Yep, that's it. We will listen
to some tui, love me a bit of tui,

but also I would like
to teach you all a little game.

- Surely if we want to hear the tui,
we should be deeper in the forest.

- Uh, spread out.

(MAJESTIC, MYSTICAL MUSIC)

- OK, um, spread out in a line
with some distance in between you.

You see this?

This is a rugby ball.

Hup.
- (GRUNTS)

- Now you pass it to Darren.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Throw it to Darren.

Come on, bro,
you can do better than that.

Uh, try that again
but with a bit more kaha behind it.

And from your hip, like this.

- From the hip.
- Yeah.

- (GASPS EXCITEDLY)
- Yeah, yeah, better.

- Yeah.

- OK, now you have a go, Dazz.

- Dazz. I like the shortening
of names and adding a Z.

(CHUCKLES) OK, Muzz.
- Yeah.

Aargh! Oh, I got it! Ooh.
Ooh, I like that ? heaps of kaha.

- Pretty mean, eh?
- Yeah!

Hup!

(GRUNTING)

- (LAUGHS) Oh, Dazz.
- Hey!

Throw it properly.

(AGGRESSIVE GRUNTING)

- # Rugby in our DNA.

# We watch at night,
and we play all day.

# Run, tackle,

# pass the ball, hit the ruck,

# the rolling maul...

- I could be a line-out.

- # ...and kick the ball!

# Rolling maul.

# Rolling maul.

(ALL CHEER, LAUGH GIDDILY)

# Rugby is in our blood.

# Feel the pain,

# taste the mud.

# Crunch, pummel, one and all,

# the glory of the oval ball...

- Yeah.

- # ...the oval ball!

# Ow!

# The oval ball!

- Scrum time.

Crouch, touch, engage.

(ALL GRUNT, LAUGH)

Smells like fish and chips in here.
Here's the ball!

(HARMONISING GUITARS SOLO)

- # All right!

# Chow down with the other guys,

# orange segments, beer and pies.

# Run, tackle, rolling maul...

- He almost kicked me!
He almost kicked me!

- # ...the glory of the oval ball.

- Whoo! How awesome was that,
hey, brothers?

- Rugby!
- Yeah!

- What do you reckon, Muzz?
What did you like about that?

- Rugby!
- Yeah!

- Yep, that's the name of the game,
but what did you like about it?

- Rugby!
- Yeah!

- Ruck!

- ALL CHANT: Rugger-bee,
rugger-bee, rugger-bee!

CHANTING INTENSIFIES:
Rugger-bee! Rugger-bee! Rugger-bee!

Rugger-bee! Rugger-bee! Rugger-bee!
- Oh, run, they've gone rugby mad!

(ALL CHEER)

(INDISTINCT SHOUTING, CHEERING)

(MYSTICAL TABLA MUSIC)

- Mmm, wow. This chakra chai
soothing my chakras to no end.

- I knew you'd like it.
- Love it.

My chakras are... good to go.

So, um, yeah, I would be keen
to go to France with you.

I think I'd love that.
- Me too.

Speaking of France,

would you care to kiss...

(PLACES MUG DOWN)

...in the style of the French?

(SULTRY ACCORDION MUSIC)

May I have your consent?
- Yes, yeah. Um...

I consent.

- (GRUNTS BREATHLESSLY)

- Uh, kei te pai koe, Mr Harrison?

- Dad, what have you done?

- It wasn't intentional, I swear.

- TV: A citywide riot has broken out
across Wellington and Lower Hutt.

We cross live
to reporter Karen Karrin.

- Thanks, Dominic.
So, we're here in the streets,

watching hordes of men wreaking
havoc, tackling anything that moves,

and then forming impromptu huddles
where they eat orange segments.

I've managed to find someone
I can talk to.

What's your name, sir?
- Baz!

- And, um, why are you doing
all this tackling?

- Cos it's awesome!

- Are you concerned that some people
don't want to be tackled?

- No, it's awesome!
Rugger-bee! Rugger-bee!

(MAN SHRIEKS)

- So far, one fatality
has been reported.

A Mrs Beverly Schrodinger was
sadly killed in a rolling maul.

Authorities advise everyone to stay
indoors and avoid all contact

with oval objects.

- Oranges!
(WOMAN GRUNTS)

- Back to you in the studio.
- Fuck yeah!

- Dad, what have you done?

- I didn't know
it was gonna get this bad, OK?

They just went rugby crazy.

All I did was teach them a few,
like, spin passes,

some chip kicks, and throw-ins
and a scrum. That's it.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa. What are you doing?

- I don't know, but I like
the sound of this rugger-bee.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.
Bo, hey, hey, look at me.

What about the fact that different
characters in Winnie the Pooh

represent different
types of neurodiversity?

- Wow. I haven't thought about that,
but it's so true.

- You have to fix this.
- How?

(LIVELY KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Uh, no, no, don't answer that.

- Well, that could be
the artisan chutney that I ordered.

- No, um, Honey... Honey, wait! Wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!

- Hey, nihao, namaste, talofa lava,
tena koe, and bonjour.

I always forget bonjour.
And he's French.

Hey, my name's, uh, P William Doyle,

and I'm a COP, a counsellor
of people. It's an acronym.

- Yep, uh, I know who you are, Phil.
- Hey, friend.

Hey, Hinemoa.

- Phillip.

- Nice man bun.
- Oh, thank you. That's...

Wow, that's a nice compliment.
Thank you.

Um, so, look, it's come
to my attention, or our attention,

that you've incited the citywide
riots that are currently

taking place in the city.

- Hey, look, I only wanted
to teach some dudes

about the greatest game
that ever was.

I never thought it would
end like this.

- (CHUCKLES) All these emotions
that are bubbling away down there.

You know what we should do?
Let's talk about your feelings

down at the station over
a serenity brew or three.

- Why can't we just have a chat here?

- Well, I just don't really feel
like the feng shui in here

is conducive to us having some open
and honest dialogue. That's all.

Why don't you come with me
down the station?

There we go. He won't be long.

Bye, queen.

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

(SLURPS)

Mmm.

Mmm. How's the serenity brew,
Warren? How's the serenity brew?

(CHUCKLES)

Now, Warren, I think it's important
for us to talk through the context

of what you've done. Now,
would you be open to doing that?

- Mm-hm, mm.
- Good. Good for you, mate.

Now, not a lot of people know this,
mate, but the game of...

(WHISPERS) 'rugby'

was outlawed in the early part
of the 20th century. See ya later.

And the New Zealand government
since that time, quite rightly,

has tried to suppress

any sporting activity
that might cause public disorder,

and any person still wrestling
with the compulsion

to play the game of rugby is usually
bound up into a straitjacket

and shipped off to
the global sporting penile colony

that we all know as
(WHISPERS) Australia.

- Yeah, well, where I come from,
rugby brings us all together.

- What are you talking about?
Where abouts you come from?

- Ah, I mean, uh?

- Hey, you're not from
(WHISPERS) 'Australia', are you?

- No, relax. I'm not from Australia.
- Whoo! Holy smoke!

You can't scare me like that, mate.

Whoo! My sacral chakra
just about did a backflip.

Goodness gracious me.
Hey, if you're not from Australia,

then how do you know
the rules of this heathen sport

known as (WHISPERS) rugger-bee?

- I, uh, guess it's just in my...
DNA.

- Well, let's get it out of there,
mate. Let's get it out of your DNA.

Now, here we at COPS,
we have a procedure

whereby we like to let the
perpetrator ? that's you, Warren ?

know the effect of their actions
on the wider community,

and I find the best way to do that

is through the power of
non-confrontational improv.

Now, would you be open to doing some
non-confrontational improv, Warren?

- Yes.

- Epic.

- That actually
looks surprisingly...

bewilderingly, frickin' awesome, eh!
- No, no, it's just a silly game.

Um, do you do any other kinds
of physical activities?

- Yeah, I do a little capoeira,
uh, and some interpretive dance,

uh, in amongst designing
my own line of bespoke shoes.

- Wow. Correct answer.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

- I hope your dad's OK.
- He's gonna be fine.

(PLAYFUL GRUNTING)

- Ah, aah, aah!

- Let me out, Mum.
It's dark in here.

- Ah...

- This time, Warren, you ask me
how I am, and I'll be you, OK?

- Hi, Warren. How are you?

- DEEP VOICE: Oh, me don't know
cos me big dum-dum. Me dumb.

- I don't sound like that.

- Well, you would
if you had a concussion, mate,

which I believe happens
a lot in the game of rugby.

Uh, let's stay in it. OK, this time,
ask me if I want to go to the opera.

- Hi, Warren.
Would you like to go to the opera?

- Oh, me not know what opera is
cos me big dum-dum.

Me have too many knock to the head.
Me don't know, Mr Man.

- (SIGHS) Look, playing rugby doesn't
automatically make you stupid, OK?

- Well, I just think you're finding
this very confronting, Warren,

having someone like myself reflect
yourself back at you so accurately.

I thought that was very good, mate,
very good,

some really positive
things in there, Warren.

And I think all
that's left for you, mate,

is to attend...

your re-blossoming.

- My re-what?

- It's a series of lectures
based on anthropology, sculpting,

and the history
of Mongolian throat singing.

And I'll tell you what, mate,
you're gonna love it. (CHUCKLES)

- OK.
- Yeah.

- So can I go now?

- Well, you've always been free to
go, mate. No one's holding you here.

- Really? So...
I don't have to be here anymore?

- No, you came here of
your own free will, remember?

DEEP VOICE: Or did you take
another knock to the head

cos you big dum-dum?

Now, let's not forget this,
your beautiful cashmere cardigan

that you wrapped up
and transformed into

(WHISPERS) that nasty, nasty
rugby ball.

There you go, mate.
- OK.

- There you go. Good game.
- OK.

Wow.

- Hey, Doyle said I was free to go.

- You were free to go, Warren...
- (GRUNTS)

- ...but in doing so,
you evaded arrest,

and that, my friend,
is punishable by execution,

I'm sorry to say.
- Seriously?

Deadly. Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho, yes!

They call me Attila, mate,
Attila the pun.

- You know, this isn't the first time
this has happened.

What is it with you dystopian
societies and your executions?

What happened to my re-blossoming

or the Mongolian throat kissing
or whatever?

- Well,
you forfeited all that, mate,

when you waddled out
of the interrogation room

with your big dummy face, OK?

I think now's a good time for us
to get this little scallywag ready

for his execution, friends.
What say you?

(BIRDS CHIRP)

- I've really enjoyed
our time together.

- Me too. I don't think this reality
could get any better.

- I know one way
we can make it better.

Would you like to kiss
in the style of the French now?

- Oui, oui.

(MYSTICAL MUSIC)

(CAR HORN BEEPS)
- HINE: Hi, honey.

Hi, honey. Hey, jump in.

Your father is about to be executed.
- Executed? What the heck for?

- Oh, crimes against the humanities.

So we should probably have a chat
with him before that happens.

- They're gonna execute him?

- Yeah.
Executions happen all the time.

You should definitely go, though.

Watching your father's execution
might bring some closure for you.

(DRAMATIC, PRESSING MUSIC)

- How do we save him?
- Hm?

Who?
- Dad, obviously.

How do we stop them executing him?
- Oh, no, there's no stopping it.

Look, I'm just trying
to book a table

at that amazing Ethiopian place.
I thought we could go there after.

- Yes, and they do those stunning
fermented injera pancakes.

- Where do they do the executions?
- You know where they do them.

You've been to at least 50 of them.
- 50?!

Why does this reality have
to have such a dark underbelly?

- I always say that, um,

execution is a small price
to pay for paradise.

- Drive there now.

(OMINOUS TONE)

- Talofa lava.
- Wait, you're my executioner?

- Yeah, well, it's reliable work,
and it's fun, too. (CHUCKLES)

(EXHALES SHARPLY)
- Wait, what are you doing?

- Oh, we've started executing
through the use of blow darts.

Now, this frog's called Janice.
Isn't she gorgeous?

So the poison she secretes
is all natural, OK,

and that's humanely extracted.

Oh, also, we brought
the Bolivian poison dart frog

back from the brink of extinction.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

- Why don't you just use guns, man?

- (SCOFFS) It's far too barbaric.

- Dad! Dad!
- Lucy!

- You're right.
We have to get out of here.

I'm sorry I didn't believe you
that this universe sucks.

- CHANTS: Peace be with you,
inside you and around you.

- Mr Doyle, please,
please don't kill my dad.

- Of course I won't.
Don't worry about it.

I'm gonna get one of his best
friends, Darren, to do it.

Let's go, Dazzle.

- Wait-wait-wait-wait-wait,
wait-wait-wait-wait-wait,

wait-wait-wait-wait,
wait-wait-wait-wait-wait!

Can I please?? At least let me
have some final words.

- Hey, I really like that
you said 'please' there.

It shows a lot of manners.
So, yes, I'm gonna let you

say some final words, but you have
to tell them through the medium

of an interpretative dance.
Yay! Let's go, Warren!

(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)

- Hey, look, I'm just gonna
say some actual words.

If I'm gonna die today,
I just wanna say,

Hinemoa, I've travelled
to many universes,

and in each one, I just...

I just fall in love with you
all over again.

Wherever I go, you're the light
that guides me home.

I just wanna come home, my darling,

we both do.

We wanna come home to you.

(TENDER, MOMENTOUS MUSIC)

- Oh, Warren,

um, I have something to confess.

Um, I've been practising, um...

ethical non-monogamy with...

Inspector Phil Doyle.
- And she is amazing, Warren,

monog-amazing, I have to say,
so giving.

And so are you, mate.
That speech was so heartfelt.

It really moved me.

I think you'd have to have
a heart of stone not to be moved

by those words.

So here's what we're gonna do,
Warren ?

continue the execution!

Yes, let's go.

- Lucy, no! No!

- Don't kill my dad!

(SCREAMS AGGRESSIVELY)

- (GASPS)

Crrrikey.

(PIERCING STATIC HISSES)

- (BREATHES SHAKILY)

What the Gundam Wing just happened?

(STATIC TINKLES)
Vortex!

Let's go!

(LUCY GRUNTS)

What the hell did my body just do?

What was that, Dad?

- Uh, yeah, uh, about that,
sweetheart, um...

OK, this was bound to come out
sooner than later.

- What?

- Your? Your mother and I
never told you the truth

about where you really come from.

It all happened 18 years ago.

(RETRO, MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

(VORTEX PULSATES)

(RETRO, MYSTERIOUS MUSIC CONTINUES)

(VORTEX CONTINUES PULSATING)

Uh...

- Wait, I came out of the vortex.

What universe did I come from?

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(WHIZZING)

I don't think this is our home.

- No, Lucy,
I think this isyourhome.

(GRUNTS BREATHLESSLY)

(GROANS)

- (BREATHES SHAKILY)

Dad! Wake up!

- NARRATOR: Perhaps Warren's
luck has finally run out,

but that's a story for
another time, another place...

- Dad!

- ...another world.

- Dad!

(WHOOSH!)

(INTRIGUING ELECTRONIC MUSIC)

Captions by Able.
www.able.co.nz

(INTRIGUING MUSIC BUILDS)

(MUSIC ENDS)

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