Original subtitles

Mom, can I borrow your credit card?

Oh, here we go.

How many of these, uh Fortnite foreskins you need, dude?

No, I wanna buy hockey equipment.

Wait, like... Actual hockey?

You want to play the actual sport, hockey?

Yeah. My buddy Jake plays on a U-15 team.

I was thinking about trying out.

Hoho! Yo, here. Go nuts, dude.

Really? Thanks, Mark.

Yooo! He's playing a sports, yo!

A team sport.

- This is amazing. - Oh, my God.

I've always wanted to be a sports dad.

This is, uh... This is incredible, Tam.

Yo, what the hell?

Kid, just spent $1,500!

♪ Well, I used to work in hot dog factory ♪

♪ until them robots came along, ♪

♪ and now there is no job for me, ♪

♪ but I get three thousand bucks a month. ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI. ♪

♪ Now we're Universal Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not sound like much, but we're still gonna try. ♪

♪ We're just Universal Basic Guys. ♪

Alright, Dar, so the key here is

you pull the jersey up over the head so they look like an idiot,

and then you-- pop-- pop-- pop--

you hit them with the uppercuts. You got it?

Uh... shouldn't I learn how to skate first?

No no, one step at a time, okay?

Gotta start with the fundamentals.

Okay, so you grab 'em with the collar with your non-

- dominate hand, Right, yep. Okay.

You're going to reach over, okay, grip the shirt from

behind the shoulder pad, and just gang the jersey up.

Yeah... Okay nice, dude, Now shove his head down.

There we go. No no no. Back up, back- y- ah--

Pull your arm out. No, no, no, not you, Hank.

Stay- alright. C- Come here. How do you even--

Ohp, I think-- uh, hey Dar--Oh.. - Uh, aw man... Ugh. Agh. Oh.

Alright, relax. - Uh, Mark...?

Oh, hey hon.

I'm just nervous about Darren. What if he's not very good?

They're kids. None of 'em are good.

I know.

It's just I get real protective and my momma bear comes out.

When he played pee wee soccer,

I got banned from the sidelines and the team Facebook group.

Alright, relax Tam.

You can't protect him forever. Besides, with Coach Hoagies

in his corner, there's nothing to worry about.

Ooh!

Yo, alright, Dar. Shake it off, bud.

Shake it off.

He's getting destroyed out there.

Nah, nobody's great on day one, Tam, okay?

He's just raw and that's totally fine, okay.

They're looking for potential.

Yo there we go, Dar! Attack the net, bud!

Hey, get that kid off the ice before he hurts someone!

You're doing great, Darren!

You talk about my kid like that again.

I'm gonna rip your ear off like I'm taking a number at the deli.

Yo relax, will ya? You're gonna get

thrown outta here. - Oh, sorry.

I'm like a werewolf or something.

I can't control it.

Aw, c'mon Ref! That's a dirty hit!

Oh, it's over. It's rigged.

There's no way he's making this team.

He's gonna to be devastated.

Nah nah nah, we're good, ok.

These days every kid gets a participation trophy.

I bet they don't even have cuts.

Aw man, sorry, bro.

There's my little Lindros!

D-Money dude, killin' it out there, bud!

I got cut.

The hell?! After one day?

Whatever. I suck.

Well, it was fun while it lasted.

Alright, woah woah woah, hang on, Tam, okay.

Let me go talk to the coach, I'm gonna to handle it.

You see that drop in stride speed?

Have you been doing your VO2 Max training?

Well, no. I have homework and stuff.

Hey, you got the rest of your life to learn how to read.

Priorities, bud.

Alright, dinner time.

There's a Pro-Form amino-fuel shake

and 15 almonds in the mini fridge.

You help yourself.

How you doing, Coach?

Tight ship you're running, bud. 'Preciate it.

How could I help you?

Listen, so I feel like you might accidentally cut

my step-son, Darren.

Oh, you mean the kid who couldn't skate?

C'mon, I'm telling you, dude,

the kid's raw, but he's got a high ceiling.

With a little training, I think he could be the next Gretzky.

You see this?

This is how we evaluate players. Advanced analytics.

Oh, here we go.

This chart combines Corsi and Fenwick metrics

to give a comprehensive impact score.

This is the team. And this is your son.

Yeah, that's some B.S. right there, okay.

Where does your fancy spreadsheet show potential?

Okay, I don't see dog mentality on there.

You know why? Cause you can't measure heart.

Actually, we can. This is his D.O.G. score,

which measures perseverance and fortitude.

And as you can see, Darren here has remarkably little heart.

Alright c'mon, dude,

I thought youth sports was all about chasing dreams,

not crushing 'em.

Well, maybe your son should re-assess his ambitions.

Naw, I'm talking about me, okay. These are my dreams, okay.

I wanna be a sports dad. This could be my only shot.

Can't you just like, stash him on a bench or something?

Okay, this isn't a charity organization.

We're competing for District Championships.

And the last thing I need is some goofball kid

and his goofball dad slowing us down.

Alright. Let me tell you, you're gonna regret

this decision, pal.

One day, that goofball kid is gonna

be skating circles around your players, alright?

And the day that happens, I'd be happy to re-evaluate him.

Pfft, ridiculous. Frickin' idiot.

Stupid hockey club, stupid Gladiators.

Gladiators wasn't even a good movie. It was overrated.

- How you doin' there, bud? - Fine.

Feeling a little sad, yeah?

Sulkin' a little bit? Cuz, y'know,

- you didn't make the team. - Uh... yeah.

Well, I talked to the coach and guess what...

No way. I-is he gonna let me on the team?

Oh uh, no no no, definitely not.

Kept saying how you had like the worst stats

he's ever seen him and really mean stuff.

Honestly, you would've cried if you heard him.

Why are you telling me this?

To motivate you, Dar! To light that fire in you!

I don't understand. I just feel worse.

Nah, dude! That coach is a numbers geek.

He doesn't know what hockey's really about.

We're gonna show him he's made a huge mistake.

Okay, how are we gonna do that?

By beating him.

Welcome to The Goofballs, dude.

Okay, Hank. I've been doing a ton of research,

and I think I found a perfect plan to

make that jerk coach look like an idiot.

Wait, I thought we were doing this for Darren's confidence?

Yeah, I mean that too, yeah.

So all these movies get at the same fundamental truth:

What really matters in hockey is heart.

The Gladiators, they might have

their fancy "metrics" and their "skills",

but you can't motivate kids with spreadsheets.

Our team, we're gonna to want it more.

Our team is gonna to have that dog in them.

So we're looking for kids with dogs... In them?

We're looking for untapped potential:

the underdogs who don't believe in themselves yet.

I'm talking about the fat kid who can't move,

but fills up an entire net or the uh, figure skater girl

who can double axle over a defender.

Ooh, or like a uh, big Connor McDavid - type

who's really good at scoring goals.

Nah nah Hank, the Connor McDavids are-

they're on the Gladiators, okay.

We're shopping in a bargain bin here.

We're playing Moneyball.

Isn't that like, all about analytics and stuff?

No no okay, not that part, okay.

We're playing Moneyball, but without the analytics.

Oh. Okay.

Alright Hank, you ready to hunt down some 14-year-olds!

[dramatic montage music]

Alright listen up, okay,

each one of you is here for a reason.

Because each one of you represents a

classic archetype of an underdog kid

that I've seen work in movies, okay?

Which one am I? - Uh...

You're the uh... you're the goalie. Let's leave it at that.

Now, you may all look like a bunch of weirdos,

but together we share a common purpose:

to beat the stinking Gladiators.

Who are the Gladiators?

They're the bad guys, like uh, Ivan Drago or Shooter McGavin.

Like uh... I dunno what do you guys watch? Uh, Trolls?

They're like the uh, the Bergens.

Ohh.

Alright, let's play some hockey. Darren, let's go.

Oh hey, what's up Dar!

Oh hey, J.D.

Argh! The hooves don't fit in the skates.

Arrrgh!!! Damn, Ooh!

Ah, sorry...

Mark, they're awful.

The Gladiators are gonna mop the floor with these kids.

Tammy, trust the process, ok.

They just need a little confidence-building game.

Who the hell are these kids gonna beat?

A buncha blind kids?

Hm...

Oh Mark. No you didn't.

Let's go, Bats! You don't need eyes

to beat these guys!

Let's go, Goofballs!

Hit him so hard they hear stars!

Alright Goofballs, let's go, you got this!

I wanna see that hustle, alright!

Play smart, communicate...

Maybe use hand signals.

Why's the uh, puck so big and jingly?

I guess so they can hear it or something?

I dunno. It's complete B.S.

Alright, that's okay, that's okay!

Alright, c'mon, guys!

C'mon. Let me see that dog in you!

C'mon, J.D. Bring out that devil!

Dah! Alright, alright, you got this Golf Kid, okay.

Hit him with the slapshot-- Ugh, God, ugh.

That's alright! Yo c'mon guys! Get at it!

Challenge him! Challenge him!

Yo, let's go Chet! C'mon, all you got to do

is put your body in front of the net.

Okay, just fall on the ground.

Oh my God.

Boo! Come on, Ref! What do you, bli-- Ah...

Blatantly incompetent? The frickin' dog scored that!

Ay, there's no rule that says a dog can't play blind hockey.

Dammit, ah. I'm getting out-troped.

That was actually pretty fun.

I'm happy for them. They overcame a lot.

Yeah, that was some BS, okay.

Some of those kids had at least 10% vision.

Hey, nice'a ya to make a little rec team for your kid.

Oh yeah? The hell's that supposed to mean?

Uh... I just meant it's good to build

his skills on a non-competitive team.

Oh, we're actually highly competitive.

Okay. Well I just watch ya lose

6-nothing to a team full of blind kids.

Oh please, okay? We weren't even trying.

Here's an idea: How about the uh, Gladiators and

the Goofballs have a little scrimmage,

then you can find out just how competitive we are?

Okay bud. Don't you think you've

demoralized these kids enough?

Uh, actually, those kids are having

a lot of fun. Unlike your kids, who're eating

frickin' creatine bricks for dinner.

You know, now that I think about it,

maybe we could use a scrimmage.

We just got some new equipment that needs uh... breaking in.

Oh, is that so?

Well we're gonna break you in, pal.

Give me 2 weeks, then we'll find

out who's the best team in Glantontown.

Game on.

Yeah, game on, dude.

God, Hank. What was I thinking?

I got caught up in the moment, now we're gonna

get our frickin' asses handed to us. Ugh.

We're gonna need like, a ringer or something. Just don't

know how to pull a frickin' Ovechkin outta thin air.

Actually, uh, might be able to get you some Ovechkins.

So it's sort of a pipeline of uh, Russian boys

- who need to be... Relocated. - They refugees or something?

Let's just say they were in a militia group that, uh,

fell out of favor, and uh, they need to lay low for a bit.

Think of it as the Witness Protection Program,

but instead of witnessing a crime,

they may have committed a few of 'em.

They can, uh play hockey?

Of course they can. They're Russian.

Yo uh, Dimitri, these kids play hockey?

[Russian] Da. Show them your hockey skill.

Damn yo, that kid's like the Randy Johnson

of hockey right there.

Alright, I'll take 'em.

Don't we have enough players?

These kids, you're pretty sketch.

Aw c'mon, Dar, They're misfits just like you guys.

I'm sure they'll fold right into the group.

Uh... they seem like a bunch of derelicts.

How about uh, they can help us win? No better

confidence booster than that, okay?

I guess we can be hockey parents to a few more kids...

Exactly, okay, it's like The Blindside,

except with hockey... And rated R.

Pfft. Nice Garbasaur!

Have fun only being able to splash and teleport.

Except for my... Energy cloak.

Ohhh! C'mon!

How many energy cloaks are in the deck!?

Okay good news, got some new members.

Oh no. Uh, you got asthma?

Is Russian hockey medicine... For goals and triumph.

Yo comrade, can I get a little bit of that?

You feel strong, eh?

The fires of hell burn inside me!

Alright, G-Balls. Let's hit the ice. Scrimmage time.

Shake it off, Juggalo Kid! No shame in losing a tooth.

Ahh, I will consume your flesh!

Whoa. Those container kids are pretty good.

Hell, yeah. Forget dogs, they got frickin' bears in them.

Great practice today, guys.

Let's give ourselves a round of applause

Great job everybody.

So now comes the part of the job that every coach hates

We're gonna be making some cuts, okay?

I thought the whole point of the

Goofballs was that we don't have cuts.

Alright, I hear you Dar but things change

and right now we're in a little bit of a

"must win" situation, so. Okay, if you hear your name

you made a roster: Darren Hoagies.

Congratulations, bud.

Uh, Igor Zhdanov.

Vladislov Krusche-

Khrushchev?

Ziv- Z- Ziv-

Alright basically, if your name has at least four

consonants in a row you're on a team, alright.

Also Fat Goa-- Also Chet.

Alright everyone else, just remember,

this is not the end of the road,

It's just a, uh...

U-turn back to whatever you were doing before.

Aw, I was just starting to like this.

What the hell, Mark? Those are my friends!

We were- we were having fun.

Trust me, Dar. You're gonna have a lot more fun

kicking ass with your new Russian friends.

I don't think I am, Mark.

They're scary and there's a massive language barrier.

Alright, c'mon, Dar, listen.

It is very important that we show that stupid coach

that he made a huge mistake by not picking you, okay bud?

Who cares? Maybe he's right.

- I'm not very good. - Wrong answer.

You are very good. You got a ton of potential, dude.

That's why I kept you on a team.

Yeah, right.

You just picked me because you had to.

Nah, I picked you because I know that deep down inside,

buried under many layers of wimp,

is a ferocious dog.

And once that dog tastes victory,

you better look out.

Okay, everybody's gonna to see what

Darren Hoagies is really made of.

Okay.

Alright, let me hear that dog in you. Give you a woof!

- No. - I can't hear you! Darren...

C'mon, please woof, Darren.

Alright, that's fine. That's fine. We'll get there.

Yo, uh, Red Army, let's rock and roll.

Hey! Hey! C'mon Zhiv! Knock it off.

Okay, save the criminal activity for the game.

Yo, there we go! Nice job, Ig!

Atta boy, Vlad. Way to put 'em in a gulag, baby!

Alright Dar, you're in!

Finally. With two minutes left.

Dude. It's garbage time. It's like the fillet mignon

of playing time.

You pad your stats, you build your confidence, c'mon.

Let's go, Darren! Bury these losers!

Oh my god! Oh my god! That's my son!

My son just scored his first goal!

No goal! no goal! Cross-checking.

Are you kidding me, ref?! Are you freakin' kidding me?

Ah! Yo, what the hell?

Oh hoho! Cross-check that!

Okay that's it, lady! You're out!

Ah, get off me!

See, this is what happens when you speak truth to power!

Oh man, I can't wait for that clown coach to see the advanced

stats on the ass-whooping we're about to lay on them.

Pfft. I mean, we scored 48 goals in the last two games.

And Darren scored two of 'em!

Too bad you're uh, banned from the arena.

Heh. We'll see about that.

I'm not going to let that jerk ref screw over my kid.

You know, I gotta say, these uh, Russians

have been a great influence on Darren.

He's playing with a lot more edge lately.

He's definitely a lot more confident.

Yeah... As long as it stays on the ice.

Hey Dar, sweetie, we're gonna get outta here.

Alright, knuckleheads, don't stay up too late.

Big game coming up, alright?

Oh God, my mom's boyfriend's here.

Hey fat boy. Time to go.

You're wasted, Owen. Screw you.

I think that's enough ice cream for you.

Unless you plan on paying for your own diabetes medications.

Why don't you go back to jail and leave us alone?

Ohoho, someone's getting an ass kicking.

You mess with Chyet. Now we must break you.

Uh...

Morning comrades--

Whoa...

Hey uh, Tam, you seen the Russians?

- No, why? [TV] Meanwhile, in Glantantown..

Six undocumented Russian minors have been deported after

throwing a man into a deep fryer at a Kindly's Family Restaurant.

- Oh my God. That's awful. - Ugh, I know.

The frickin' Gladiators are gonna to destroy us.

So you're just gonna to give up?

What about all that stuff you've been telling Darren?

Where's your heart, Mark?

Tam, I'm just being realistic here, okay?

There's no way we can win without those Russian kids.

We gotta forfeit.

No, we're gonna play.

Darren, I don't know if you saw,

but uh, we just lost all of our best players, so...

Yeah, but you still got me.

I hear ya bud, but y-- - I scored two goals.

Those Russian kids showed me how to win.

It's time for me to step up and unleash the dog.

Look at you, Dar!

Uh, Tammy, can we not encourage this?

Yo Darren, let me uh, I'll call Mernft and see

if he's got any more to his Russian kids.

No. We're gonna bring back the old squad.

And I'll lead them.

I'm gonna go call J.D. and the guys.

Go get him, hun!

Oh boy.

Alright, Goofballs, listen up! This is gonna

get real ugly, real fast, okay?

Hopefully, the trauma you experience today

will serve you later in life, in whatever

non-hockey career you pursue.

So, let's keep your heads up,

let's protect yourselves out there,

and let's try and make it outta here one piece, alright?

Coach Mark is right.

This team is way better than us,

so we gotta out-work them. We gotta be tougher.

We gotta want it more.

When they hit us, we get up and hit 'em back harder.

Aw you're gettin' me fired up, Dar.

I'm about to bloodlust.

They may be better, but we got that dog in us.

Let me hear those dogs. Woof! Woof! Woof!

Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof! Woof!

Together we fight! Together...

We die!

Yeah, you like that?

Yo, put that on your spreadsheet, Timmo!

Way to be aggressive, Dar!

Shh, yo, Tam, c'mon.

What are you doing? You're gonna get booted again.

Number nine. Two minutes. Charging.

Are you frickin' kidding me?! That's B.S.

Hey ref, get your eyes checked!

Wait. Who said that?

Was that you?

Oh my God! That was awesome! Go Darren!

I knew it was you.

You're banned! Get the hell out of this place!

I'll get over yourself. I'm just cheering on my kid.

Woohoohoo! Go Goofballs!

That's it! C'mere!

Get the hell off me!

You wanna go?!

Tam, what are we doing here?

How you like that?

- Mom? - Stop! Enough! Get off me!

Screw this. I'm outta here, okay.

I don't get paid enough for this crap!

Come on now...

So, I guess we gotta call it?

Yep, and it looks like uh, we got a tie in our hands.

Great job Goofballs! We just tied the Gladiators,

okay, we're the same!

We were up by 10 goals. - Yeah well sorry, okay,

we don't care about advanced stats like "the score."

I use my eyes, and what I saw was an even game.

Hey, great effort out there, kid.

Ya know, if you're interested, I think

we can find a spot for you on the bench.

No, thanks. I'd rather be the captain of the

Goofballs than a 4th liner on the Gladiators.

- Right, guys? - Yeah, I don't know, Dar.

I think I'm done with hockey.

Okay, I'm in.

Hey Mom! I made the Gladiators!

Aw, way to go, honey! That's awesome!

[Speaking Russian] Thief-in-law.

[Speaking Russian] Thief-in-law.

He is ready for stars.