Original subtitles

with a brilliantly British bash,

a racy revelation and a real OMG moment.

The tans you see might be fake,

but the people are all real,

although some of what they do has been set up

purely for your entertainment.

Previously on The Only Way Is Essex.

- Say if Arg was ready to settle down,

then maybe I could consider it.

'Cause we get on so well.

- He's coming in to stick his big nose in,

he's sort of fucking getting involved.

Do you know what I mean?

That's only what not to do.

- As soon as you bring my girlfriend in,

that's a different level.

- Will you be my girlfriend?

- Yeah.

- You ain't a very nice person, Gemma.

- No I'm not!

- And it shows.

- That really necessary in my fucking shop?

[upbeat music]

- Mate, I think my ear drums are still ringing.

[laughing]

That was some screaming, weren't it?

I just wish I hadn't called her an f'ing bitch you know?

That's not me.

- Mate she deserved it.

If someone's acting like an f'ing bitch

you call 'em an f'ing bitch.

D'you know what I mean?

- Yeah I just didn't wanna swear at her you know,

didn't wanna go down to her level.

- Yeah, mate.

She was literally shouting in your face.

The whole thing as well, the sex thing.

You were together what three weeks?

- We was together like eight weeks?

Two months, but.

- Okay, you didn't have sex.

I'm not being funny right,

I'm with Lucy, she is hot, right.

And there might be times

where we don't have sex for three or four weeks.

Doesn't mean that I'm gay, it just means

that I might be stressed,

I might just not fancy it for three or four weeks,

might just be I don't feel like it.

- I just gotta keep out of her way now,

I don't wanna see her.

- Seriously fuck her,

she's not even worth like talking about.

- She just made me laugh,

the whole thing when she was poppin' at you mate.

She genuinely does think she is Queen Latifah, don't she?

She genuinely does.

- I've either got a blue one or white one.

But they're both floor length and they're both booby.

- Oh, standard.

[all laugh]

I think it'll be good though.

- So you're going with Tom to the party?

- He's gonna be there, but I'm gonna turn up with yous.

We're not boyfriend and girlfriend yet

and we're taking it slow.

- I love the yet!

- Yeah, yeah. [laughing]

- Okay, we're not boyfriend and girlfriend, so.

- Has he had the once over from Debbie?

- Yeah, mum's always loved Tom.

She thinks he's so nice.

She's always like, oh he's such a sweet guy.

I think my family really like him.

- Oh my God.

That will kill Arg, hearing that.

- Obviously Arg will be there and everything,

but I'm just not gonna think about it,

because I just for once

just don't wanna be involved in the drama

- Do you know what?

It's doing my head in, all these rivalries with boys

and I think they're unnecessary.

Mario's absolutely fuming because Diags

has dragged me into it, that's made me,

like made Mario go mad.

- That's not needed.

- Diags tweeted saying if you're gonna

bitch about it, draw pictures of me.

Like your girlfriend's,

basically saying oh your girlfriend's cheated on you before.

And d'you know what, it's really pissed me off because--

- Oh, don't cry Luce.

We've all made mistakes before babes, like.

- It's just me and Mario are trying to move forward,

we're really happy.

And then some dickhead like fucking Diags

has to drag everything up again.

D'you know what I mean?

I've made a mistake.

This was like what a year ago now?

I've paid the price for it.

I wish people would stop fucking talking about it.

It's my business, it's Mario's business.

Don't you dare bring me into it,

fucking idiot, I hate him.

And then Arg tops it off by retweeting it, thanks Arg.

- I do agree he come over,

but I don't think there was a need

to throw a flute across the academy.

- I am apologising for that.

I can see in your eyes you're not happy with me Bobby,

the sparkle's not there.

- Gem, it's not about, I thank you for your apology.

- I can see it, I can see it.

You're upset, I'm upset!

- I am upset, and d'you know what,

more than upset it's hurt, because--

- [Gemma] I'm hurt.

- I love you Gem, I think a lot of you.

And I do think a lot of Charlie.

And you need to understand that,

I don't want any to be involved

in any kind of being pulled and shoved

between north pole, south pole.

I don't need that, Gem.

- I only reacted to what Charlie did.

- I don't think that was the right way to behave, Gem.

- [Gemma] But can you see the anger

that's pent up inside me,

there ain't no respect there Bobby.

- And that's the thing,

too much has happened

and you can't even say it's water under the bridge.

- [Gemma] It ain't.

- That bridge has fucking fallen down,

there's no fixing that bridge.

- I don't want it to fix, Bob.

- And that's what you two need to understand now,

I think you two need to keep out of each other's way.

- So you all in love again?

So?

- All in love, man.

- All loved up?

- Yeah, did I tell ya I told Sam

she needs to get away when she's married?

- Did ya? - Yeah.

- Oh, God.

I need to get the wedding out.

[Chloe laughs]

- At the moment, like I've never, d'you know what I mean?

Don't feel like that, so.

- No, I understand.

But just take it easy.

- I'm not getting married yet,

but I am writing her this love letter.

Like obviously Sam asked me to write

this and I just sorta, the first thing I said

was like what do you want me to write?

[both laugh]

- What, she asked you to write her a love letter?

- No, she went to me write me a love letter

and I was like what do I write on it?

- Do it how you want, whatever.

You can't do it wrong, it's your love letter

what you're writing.

- 'Cause.

This.

Love.

Is.

A.

Short thing.

- Why you put it like that? - What?

[Chloe laughs]

What you talking about?

- T-H-I-N-G.

- What thing?

- Yeah, it don't matter,

at least it's got your touch on it.

- Debbie.

Can I come in, can we talk?

- I don't really know.

I don't know what there is to talk about.

This has just been going on and on and on, innit?

I am actually concerned about you.

- Can we come and talk then, please?

Please?

[Debbie sighs]

- [Billie] That's it, oh my God they're gonna be so heavy.

- Try n' squeeze both of them in.

- Oh my God!

- You're like exceeding the scale.

Like it's going all the way around and back around again.

- I won't get two in.

Oh my God.

This is why I have so much back pain,

now you can understand why I'm always moaning.

They must put at least a stone on my weight.

- They must do.

When you think about it, it went all the way around,

so about 20?

10,

12 pound?

What's that?

- A stone.

- If you think about it, two stone.

Well just under two stone, probably the same

as a two year old little baby.

- So I'm carrying a two year old in my chest.

- [Sam] Exactly.

- The thing is I, everyone thinks

oh yeah you love your boobs and you've got big boobs.

But it's just hard to buy clothes,

so yous can all go and get like lovely little like

size 10 bikinis or size eight bikinis

with your tops and bottoms.

But I have to get like size 18 top and size 10 bottoms.

- They need to invent a proper bikini

for people with big heavy boobs.

- [Billie] Can you weigh yours

so we can get a comparison?

- I can't even, mine's not even gonna get in the bowl.

Can't do it, won't even go in.

- Yours is like ding, mine's like blup.

[Billie laughs]

- When you call her all those horrible disgusting names

who are you hurting?

You're hurting her desperately.

You're hurting all her family for what?

You've turned into some sort of monster,

I don't know what's happened to you.

- I'll be honest with you Debbie, I mean

It was hard enough when you know sort of,

Mark went away and then I found that quite tough

and then I lost Lydia and it just sort of like,

the two most important people in my life

I just sort of lost at once.

And she wasn't, you know, the only person

that I fell in love with, cos I did you know,

not in like a sexual way,

but I fell in love with you Debbie.

And I love you so much.

And I've missed you so, I've missed you so so much.

You were like, you're literally like my best friend.

It's been really hard, like I haven't just lost Lydia,

I've lost a family as well.

- I really do understand that.

Okay but what you've done,

is you've done the complete wrong thing

by pushing the family further and further away.

- I felt like I owed you something, not,

I don't feel like I owe Lydia anything.

- No, listen, listen.

You don't owe me anything, James.

- I do Debbie, cos you're like a Mum to me.

- No.

I gave to you because I wanted to.

Okay so you don't owe me anything.

What you do owe is my daughter an apology.

- I don't think she's a slag or a whore

or a sloppy seconds at all.

The reason why I should never have,

I should never have called Lydia those things

is because as much as, I'm so ashamed of it and stuff,

it's always been rumours and stuff like

that and I've always denied it and everything but I did, I..

- You slept around.

- I did sleep with a few girls behind Lydia's back, yeah.

- Well, don't you think she knows that James

and don't you think I know that?

- So I've got no right to say, I've got no right to.

Or anything Lydia's done since we've broken up

as much as I think she's done this and she's done that.

I've got no right to have said anything.

And I'm so sorry, Debbie.

- [Debbie] You haven't gotta be sorry to me, James.

- I am because I should never have done it.

- Okay. - I love you Debbie.

Love you so much.

[upbeat music]

- The sun's out, we've all got our legs out,

- No, sun's out, wedges out, bums out.

- Sun's out, bums out.

- Yeah sun's out, bums out, defo.

- Boobs and bum.

Can't have them both out at the same time though.

[all laugh]

- [Frankie] What?

- You got your boobs out, you can't have your bum out,

if you got your bum out, you can't have your boobs out.

[all laugh]

I'm really looking forward to this party.

- Everyone's gonna be there,

it's gonna be the most awkward thing ever - all of us.

- You think?

- [Cara] Course it is.

- Everyone's just gonna be paired up, aren't they?

- I've lost my mate Lauren now, she's getting married

to a Pears. [all laughing]

I'm gonna start up, Mr and Mrs Pears, how you doin'?

- Have you spoken to Lauren?

- Little bit, not really.

She didn't tell me.

I can't believe she went out on a date, she didn't tell me.

- No?

- I don't care, I'm happy for 'em, but...

[Frankie chuckles]

- He ain't your type anyway, babe, is he?

- No, he's not my type.

- I hope it's not awkward between yous,

yous have been really good friends, haven't you?

- [Lauren G] Of course not.

Definitely not, yeah.

I love Lauren.

- Listen, at the end of the day,

it's gonna be more awkward for bloody Arg, Tom and Lydia.

- I reckon, if Tom is with Lydia in front of Arg,

Arg is gonna probably have a drink and might pipe up.

- Oh no, he can't.

- And if he pipes up, I'll be making sure he pipes down.

- Don't, round two.

- [Frankie] It's all gonna end up tears.

- There's been a lot of rows

going on and I don't like it, like I text Jess

a few weeks ago.

Because I was upset with everything that happened

and she has been like a sister to me

and I was a bit like, like I want to clear the air.

- [Frankie] She's got her own record deal now, ain't she?

[all giggle]

Oh, yous lot make me laugh.

- Good luck to her.

It's something she's always wanted.

- Billi,

don't pretend.

- You know when everything's on top of ya

and you don't really think about it,

and all of the sudden it just hits you,

like for fucks sake, like.

I hate my flat, for one.

It's a complete dive.

The walls are grey, which is disgusting as it is.

The lights are fucked, my whole place is dirty, innit?

It just stinks of shit.

It costs me a grand a month to live there,

which is depressing enough as it is,

'cause I've gotta pay that money out.

Knowing the money is going out,

I'm thinkin' why am I payin' this for this.

Gotta little thing on the electricity thing

to see how much I'm costing an hour.

I'm goin' around turning lights off,

to see how much I'm using.

That's going up by 7p or something,

like fuck that, I ain't turning that on.

That's a bit too much.

[Joey laughs]

I've gotta live there, I've done one month

and I gotta live there for another five months now.

[Joey and Chloe laugh]

- So dirty, man.

- All jokes aside, I know it's funny and everything

and my flat is ridiculous, but I haven't got a girlfriend,

which I do want one now.

I'm literally getting as lonely as tits in the flat.

- Aw, Diags.

- Just give me that.

No one's gonna wanna come back there.

- I'll come around and help ya.

Joey'll come and help ya, we can make the flat nice.

It doesn't matter what you think of it now,

it can 100% be nice.

- The thing is, it's not just that.

It's like, I've got people digging me out

left right and centre,

because obviously yeah, all right.

I got drunk and I made few mistakes,

I got Mario digging me up for no reason at all.

- What you gonna do about Mario,

are you gonna say sorry to him?

- He can't talk to me like shit,

I'm fed up with being talked to like shit.

I don't know the kid, I'm not gonna be his mate.

I don't need him as well as all the shit I've got going on,

I don't need him digging me out as well.

- Oh, mate.

He's just nothing, is he?

- I never talk about stuff like this.

You know that I never speak about being down and depressed,

but recently it has been getting me down.

- I know we're laughing, but you know

I've always been here for ya.

I always will be there for ya, you know that yeah?

- Cheers, man.

- Don't worry about it.

Listen, I agree with ya, love ya, right.

- Cheers, man.

[upbeat music]

- Hey girlies, both of you look very nice.

- [Gemma] Don't spill.

- Cheers!

- To the queen and all that.

Red, white and blue day!

- Yeah.

- I love your dress, Bill.

Your boobs look amazing.

- [Jess] They look wicked, they're so big!

Here she is, woman in white.

- Sorry girls, for keeping ya.

- Wow! - You look amazing!

- Very nice.

- [Gemma] This is a fresh start.

Fresh hair, fresh outfit, fresh love.

- [Billie] Yeah you know when you break up with a boy,

like girls do things like cut their hair and dye their hair.

Well you've like grown your hair and you're wearing white.

[all laugh]

Hint, hint, you're like ready to be taken up the isle.

- Yeah, I think from this look you're definitely

taking the relationship seriously.

You look like you're going in an office.

- Do I?

- Yeah. - Oh no.

- [Jess] No, you look really good.

- Yeah, but like not like.

What I'm saying is you look like sophisticated.

- We're gonna miss the bus if we don't hurry up.

- Arg better not sit next to me,

coz' there won't be no room on the seat.

[all laugh]

- Have you spoken to him about the whole BJ thing?

- No.

- You angry?

- I can never be angry with him for too long.

- Oh, look at Gemma!

- Look at her.

Look of love, that is.

[upbeat music]

[cheering]

- [Mick] You look lovely.

You all right, son?

- [Billi] That was well fun, I've not been on a bus.

- [Mick] That was lovely, wasn't it.

- We could get married here.

- [Mick] Beautiful.

Come on gorgeous.

You all right, pearly queen?

- Pat, you've had your teeth done, ain't ya?

- Yeah.

- Show us your teeth.

Oh they look lovely!

- Aren't they good.

- Are you happy with them?

- [Nanny Pat] Yeah I am.

- They're nearly as white a mine Pat!

[all laugh]

Ain't they?

Got a Hollywood smile.

I feel a bit of competition here right now.

- See what I mean?

- Next week we'll turn up,

Pat'll have her bum done

and she'll be like that alright Chloe?

[all laugh]

- I was gonna wear a suit, but I couldn't find shoes.

So I couldn't wear suit with trainers, could I?

- You could.

You could of pulled it off.

- You reckon?

This has been nice, do you fancy me?

- Says you.

- Don't you fancy me?

- Maybe a little bit.

- [Tom P] Are you gonna get pissed tonight?

- [Lauren P] Why, d'you need a drink?

- Yeah.

I need another drink bad.

- Just chill here for a little bit

and I'll go to the bar.

- All right.

- I'll be back.

- See you in a bit.

- Aww, the fuck is?

- Oh my God!

- My foot was on that. - What the shitting hell?

- Throw it in there, Arg.

[all laugh]

- What if it cuts in half, then it'll turn into two?

- Yeah.

- No, it don't.

- They do.

- It's like me cutting your legs off,

your legs wouldn't start walking about, would they?

- No, I think they turn into two worms.

- What you talking about?

One's got two brains, one in that end and one in that end.

- No, it hasn't.

It's got one brain.

They'd be both tryin' to go different ways, wouldn't they?

- Don't really matter though, does it?

Worm is a worm.

[birds chirping]

- What's up?

- You've been talking about me again, have ya?

- No.

Why? - No?

- What do you think I've said?

- Well number one, you've asked me out.

- Right.

- And then you've asked my mate out.

- You said no. - Yeah.

- Yeah. - So?

- Why you pissed off that I've taken her out?

- Not at all.

- So why you saying it like that?

You sound like you're pissed off.

- Because I'm pissed off,

when you're on a date with my friend,

that you've said oh yeah could've had Lauren.

- You tellin' me that you didn't try,

you wouldn't have kissed me that night?

- No.

- You wouldn't of?

- No, 'cause if I wanted to I would of.

- Alright, I couldn't have kissed ya, fine.

- Oh my God.

- What?

What do you want me to say?

- Don't give it all the biggins, it's not fair,

- I'm not giving you the biggins at all babe,

you've come over here.

- Yeah, to have a word with you,

don't talk about me like that.

- I won't talk about you in future.

- Or do it again.

- I won't talk about you in future, so we're fine.

- It's not like don't talk about me,

I'm not being rude, I'm just saying

it's out of order to make up a lie,

when that's not very fair.

- I genuinely I don't think it was a lie,

I meant it in a jokey way.

So I don't really know why you're getting offended by it.

I didn't...

- It's just a bit embarrasin'.

- I didn't mean to upset ya and if it did I'm sorry, but...

- Okay.

Well you can't kiss me so, don't think you can.

- [Lauren P] What?

- Him say to you.

- I'll kiss Lauren instead maybe.

- Why, whats goin' on?

- That apparently he could've kissed me.

[birds chirping]

[girls laugh]

I just didn't like it.

Alright? - Yeah, you're fine.

Anyway.

[bright music]

- What we calling ourselves now?

- League of gentlemen.

- I like it. - To the league of gentleman.

- Cheers, boys!

- Cheers!

- There's one thing I wanna say though,

one thing I wanna say that I really really do

like about ya is bow ties.

Absolutely.

- Oh my God, that bow tie's so nice, man.

- Listen, my Nanny Brighton knitted me this bow tie.

- And it's still shit.

[all laugh]

- You're so harsh.

- And I'm still absolutely disgusted.

- Here we go, sorry Nanny Brighton I broke it.

Right, you know we are true friends.

Yeah?

So we should tell each other everything

and hide no secrets and--

- Stop talking like this, talk normal man.

[all laugh]

- Okay, sorry my veneers are going a bit mad.

- What is it?

[Arg giggles]

- You know when we was in Marbella?

- Yeah.

- We had a drunken night out, didn't we, at Puerto Banús.

- Yeah with Gemma and all them, yeah?

- Yeah, and then I got into, aw shit.

[Arg laughs]

- Just tell us what the fucking thing is.

- Right, basically, I was in Marbella bootcamp,

I was lagging, got in bed with Gemma

and she give me a hand job.

[Joey screams]

- What the fuck?

- But d'you know what, d'you know what though?

It was really weird

because I just literally laid there,

closed my eyes and thought of Marbella.

- Arg, what the fuck?

You obviously wanted something to happen.

- Oh my God.

No no no no.

- No no no no! - Shut up!

- No, you shut up!

- You shut up!

Why didn't you tell me?

Why did you not tell me?

- Because I didn't want everyone knowing.

- I thought we was true friends.

Mate, I generally think you like her a little bit.

- I'll be truthful with you boys,

I'm not gonna get embarrassed

I'll just tell you the truth, there is--

- Chemistry.

- I think there's just something

about when me and Gemma together,

we bounce off each other well

and you know there is a little bit of something there,

bit of chemistry between us,

but I don't wanna sound harsh 'cause I can't talk myself,

basically she's a pretty girl in the face,

but me and Gemma have both been given

really bad metabolisms, haven't we?

- Well not really, I mean you're not,

you're not the fattest kid in the world, are ya?

- I just dunno if I fancy her,

but I just know when I've had a few drinks

it could be a whole different story.

[Arg laughs]

- I actually can't believe this happened.

It's so weird.

- It's actually quite disturbing.

[Arg laughs]

[crowd chatting]

[upbeat music]

- Don't tell them what he told us.

- What?

- It's quite funny.

- What is the gossip, tell us?

- Do you know what, it will get out anyway,

because the person it's about has the biggest mouth

going and is a complete gossip and he knows it.

It's about Arg.

Basically he went to Marbella on the boot camp, didn't he?

- Yeah.

- And Arg went back to his cabin,

there were bunk beds and he was sharing them with Gemma.

Gemma was lying on the bunk bed and Arg

just got in with her and he was like,

weren't thinking of it,

but he was like I'm a little bit horny

and I little bit like--

- They didn't sleep together?

No, what happened?

- Nah, they were lying next to each other

and all of a sudden he could feel

Gemma's hand going down to his--

- She tossed him off.

- Yeah, she gave him a handjob basically.

- We knew she fancied him.

D' ya know what--

- She tried getting on top of him then he was like no.

- Yeah, she tried getting on top of him

and he went nah.

But remember this is Arg's side of the story.

- Ok the toss off maybe, but I don't believe

she tried to climb on him.

- Can't imagine--

- Nah, man, she is quite horny

- So is he, that's why they do it

'cause they both horny people

and you bring horny people together and they start--

- Horn dogging.

- Every time we mention Arg to Gemma,

she has like a twinkle in her eye.

- What did Arg say, was it good?

- Arg said he would, she's got good technique.

[Sam and Billie laugh]

- Good techers, didn't he?

- That ain't a bad thing.

It's like good for her and good for him.

- I've made this blazer and I'm makin' it look good,

you've gotta remember

this blazer costs more than your outfit.

- Have you seen Arg's outfit?

He's wearing bloody espadrilles, mate.

That's like holiday weather at the best.

- Even though me and Arg have got beef at the minute,

he is a good kid deep down he's a good kid.

He's changed at the minute, he's lost his way,

but he is a good kid.

Diags on the other hand!

- Well, that's a whole different story.

- I can't even put into words, mate.

How fucked off I am with him.

There's a line and he's crossed it,

'cause at the end of the day that's my girlfriend,

that's the one person I care more

about anything in the world.

- Are you gonna say anything to him?

- Oh of course I am.

Mate, seriously,

I'll have no qualms in saying,

Diags this is what I fucking said about ya,

so bring it on.

- That's the difference, innit?

Man versus boys.

- Exactly.

- Tomorrow, you still wanna go out, yeah?

- Yeah, looking forward to that.

[Tom K laughs]

- Are you gonna tell me what about what's gone on earlier?

- James come around my house.

- Did he? - Yeah, to see my mum.

He was like just chatting away

to her and then he like said I've got a confession to make,

that I was unfaithful to Lydia

the whole time I was going out with her.

- What?

- Yeah, so maybe that does mean that's it,

like he's actually moving on.

- As long as you're happy, that's the main thing.

- I am.

I am happy.

- Keep smiling then.

- I am, always smiling when I'm with you.

[upbeat music]

- I'm being honest, 'cause that's what I've heard.

- Is that what happened?

- Whether it did happen or not regardless,

he should not be going around discussing

what happened with us in Marbella to anyone.

- And the fact that he is means

that he obviously cares about you

and wants something to happen?

- Almost proud of it, to start talking to the boys about it.

- If he didn't like you

then why would he go around saying that to everyone?

I'm sorry, but there clearly is a chemistry between you two.

- He's messing with my head, he's messing me up,

he's messing with my heart.

- Would you leave Rami for Arg,

would yous two, do you think you would?

- I have got a lot of feelings with Arg,

but I won't be anyone's dirty secret.

- And you don't wanna throw away

what you've got with Rami for someone

who's gonna act like a little boy and like

and not give you full commitment.

- You're a lovely girl

and you've got a really soft heart

and someone needs to respect that and treat you for that,

you're not a blow up doll

that's there to just give a bit of hand relief.

- I don't know, I think dunno what I'm gonna do.

I dunno whether to speak to him,

I dunno whether to just ignore it.

- You really do need to speak to him

and you need to confront him about the tossing off.

[bright music]

- [Sam] Did you do this?

- Yeah I done all of it,

lit all the little candles, everything.

- You lit all the candles?

- Lit every single candle. - Like, literally?

Aw, this is so nice

- It's nice, innit.

- So pretty.

- Done it all for you.

Back together now, aren't we,

so I thought do something nice, romantic.

- [Sam] It's lovely.

[owl hooting]

[upbeat music]

- You looking forward going away, ain't ya?

- I cannot wait, I cannot wait.

Best to put my man's bronzer away

for a little while and get an actual tan.

So it will be quite nice.

- [Mick] You actually wear men's bronzer, then?

- Yeah.

Now and again.

- Mick.

Can I ask if you can come out?

- [Mick] Yeah, yeah.

- All right, mate.

I just wanna clear a few things up.

Banter's banter, yeah?

Fair enough, we bantered each other.

You called me ugly, I called you big nose, right?

They kept bantering yeah, then I left it.

Then you went on Twitter, you tweeted a picture of me,

ugly picture of me, fair enough, you've done that.

What did you think was gonna happen?

Did you think I weren't gonna retaliate?

No, listen.

Did you think I wasn't gonna write something back?

- You started this all off

by starting about my nose, did you not?

- No, you started this all off.

You started this, mate.

You and your little boys started it off

calling me a little bitch boy.

You did say that, saying Diags gets bantered

by his mates all the time.

Fuck all to do with you, mate.

You're not my mate!

- Yeah, my nose ain't got fuck all to do with you.

- Yeah, my face got fuck all to do with you.

- Yeah, Lucy has fuck all to do with you,

I don't give a fuck.

- You obviously do give a fuck,

coz you got fucking pissed off about it, didn't ya?

- Thing is, you bought Lucy into it.

Why bring Lucy into it?

- Don't give a shit if I bought Lucy into it or not, mate.

- You think that fucking Tweet aimed at me.

If it wasn't for your mate, yeah.

Yeah and your peoples say it's got fuck all to do with you!

- Yeah, because you ain't got nothing else on me, mate!

- You got nothing else on me,

that's why you bought fucking shit up

that ain't got fuck all to do with you!

- You got a mouth bigger than anyone,

you fucking idiot, what you talking about?

- What's she got to do with then?

What's Lucy got to do with it?

You made her fucking cry!

What she got to do with it?

- I know it's got nothing to do with Lucy.

- What she got fucking do with it?

- It's not your fucking problem, mate!

- No, it's all your fucking problem.

- Say what you gotta say.

You think he's--

- Whoa, what are you talking about ro her?

- Tom, Tom, Tom.

Leave it to him, leave it to him.

- I'm trying not to push into it.

- Diags, the only thing he's angry about--

- Is the fact that you brought her into it.

It's got nothing to do with her!

- You tried to make me out to be the biggest mug, yeah,

but you got mugged off bigger than anyone else,

so don't try and--

- That's got fuck all to do with you!

- Stop fucking bantering then!

Don't fucking say anything! - It's banter between

me and you!

- It's not banter, you're not my fucking mate!

Fuck off, boring! - Fuck off, you fucking mug!

Exactly what I expected from you, you fucking idiot!

He's a mug.

- [Lucy] He's showing exactly what he is,

immature little boy.

- Got nothing else to throw at me.

- [Mick] You all right?

- Just shows little boys, innit?

All he had to do was apologise to me

and it would've been fine, wouldn't it?

And that just shows you how much maturity he's got,

how much brain he's got, that he didn't even do that.

- The whole thing between me and you,

we've got through it, we're in a good place now.

Who the fuck is that little prick to bring it back up

and over Twitter as well, what a shit crew.

- You've been askin' for a love letter, haven't ya?

- Have you got one?

You made it? - Yeah.

- Aww, that's so nice.

- Can you read my writing, my writing's so bad.

[Sam laughs]

- Why you laughin' for?

- I remember when we first met each other

at one of my nights in London.

[Sam laughs]

It's your handwriting, I'm sorry.

At the end of the night we was in a cab

and I was snogging you.

Yeah d'ya remember that?

Jumped in and snogged me.

And then waking up on Charlie's sticky leather...

[Sam and Joey laugh]

Charlie's sticky leather sofa with my hand on your nun.

[Sam and Joey laugh]

- It's true though, innit?

- I know I always tell you this,

but you're the love of my life

and that will never change.

I would do anything for you, you mean the world to me,

I love you.

Oh, so lovely.

I thought I was gonna cry when I read it,

it's so nice I'll write you one next.

- I'm really really glad were back together.

- Me too. - You glad, yeah?

- I'm happy.

- I'm happy as well.

I love you. - I love you too.

[upbeat music]

- [Gemma] Arg, where you going?

- Fucking hell, Gem.

[Arg chuckling]

- What's up?

- My God, my heart stopped.

You know you scared me there proper.

- I scared you.

- Oh, fucking hell.

- You all right?

- Yeah I'm all right, just...

Fucking hell, sorry.

- Calm down your with me, it's all right, it's me.

Why have you been going around telling

everyone that I gave you a hand job in Marbella?

[Arg chuckles]

- I haven't told everyone.

- 'Cause it ain't really what happened.

- What d'ya mean?

What else happened then?

You did do it.

- All right, I did do it.

- All right, of course you did,

but listen it's nothing to be ashamed of.

- I'm not ashamed of it,

but it should've been private between us.

- Yeah, I know that.

I'm sorry I only told the boys

and we tell each other everything

that's what boys do,

I didn't mean to cause any offence or anything like that.

- For ages now you've been playing with my emotions right?

You and I, you can barely looking in my eye,

they are gleaming right?

You can barely contain yourself,

because you and I both know there is something between us.

What's going on?

- I think you are,

not just a lovely girl,

I think you're amazing.

I think you got big bubbly personality just like me.

You know we both kind of struggle with same you know,

love handles and the belly and stuff like that,

but I'm trying to word this--

- Is there any chemistry there for you with me?

- I'm very fond of you, Gemma.

I'm very very very fond of you,

we've got a really really good friendship, haven't we?

Don't you think?

- Friendship.

- Yeah when you're drunk, they say that sometimes

your true feelings come out so now I'm sort of thinking

to myself, is there, I don't know just tell me the truth.

When you're drunk you say to me

that you love me and et cetera and that,

now you're sober, you're not drunk now, are you?

- I do love you.

[Arg exhales]

- Fucking hell.

Do ya? - Yeah.

- [Arg] What do you mean love me?

Like you got a bit of a crush on me, like friend?

- No, dick, I love you.

I do love you, you know I love you

and you've known it for a long time.

If you don't love me back I'll understand,

I'll just get on with my life.

- I can't lie to you and say that I'm in love with you now,

but I dunno what to say, I don't wanna lead you on,

but then I dunno, I just think that...

[Gemma laughs]

- Why are you acting like a weirdo?

Why you nearly crying, why you shaking?

- I dunno, I think I'm a bit nervous, Gem.

[upbeat music]

- Oh, fuck it.

Just come on then, just give me a kiss.

- You kiss me.

- Aw, come on then.

[Gemma and Arg laugh]

- That was quite nice actually, Gem.

[Arg laughs]

- You've won the lottery, Arg.

- Oh, this is such a weird night, oh.

- [Narrator] Next time!

The Only Way Is Essex hits Marbs,

but will Billi's bikini body be off the scales?

- [Sam] 12 pound, what's that?

- A stone.

- [Narrator] Let's hope Diags hasn't booked the villa.

- It's a complete dive.

The walls are grey, my whole place is dirty, innit?

Just stinks of shit.

- [Narrator] And is Arg in line for a roll over?

- You've won the lottery, Arg.

- Oh, this is such a weird night.

- [Narrator] Who knows?

These people are real,

and anything can happen, on The Only Way Is Essex.