Original subtitles

Lucy in a bikini, and the loudest row you've ever heard.

The tans you see might be fake, but the people are all real,

although some of what they do has been set up

purely for your entertainment.

Previously, on The Only Way Is Essex.

- You ain't my pal, you never will be.

I can't trust you, you are a snake.

- I do like Lydia and I know she likes me

and if something might happen.

- [Gemma] Yous two might as well just get together.

- You always have to try

to make that innuendo don't you,

you make me laugh.

- No need to get touchy, babe.

- I woke up this morning to find out

Joey went home last night with another girl.

- What?

- [Sam] Yeah.

- I think maybe we should just finish it now.

- Fine.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- Do you think my face looks all right without glasses?

- I think you look more stunning than ever,

but imagine if there was like no glasses available

in the world and no one ever even invented 'em,

you would end up with such a minger boyfriend.

- Oh my God, we'd all be going out with munters.

[Gemma and Bobby laugh]

- [Gemma] Bobby, this is gonna be

a life-changing experience for you.

- It really is, Gem, such a big thing for me.

I've had this hair for so long and I just,

it's been such a comfort blanket for so many years.

I'm having this minge permanently erased from my face.

When I frown, it's like a labia hevatora,

you know like the lady's lips.

- Mine don't look like that.

[Gemma laughs]

- I just feel like I could fit a chopstick in it

and it would not fall off my face,

but anyway tonight is gonna be an amazing do.

I can't wait for everyone to come,

see what I've done with the place.

I mean excuse the lack of chairs.

Had an absolute nightmare with a wholesaler.

The big delivery come, open the boxes,

like a little boy on a Christmas day,

they are only purple chairs.

Ordered pink.

- That's a terrible mistake to make.

So who have you invited?

- I've got a few of the gang coming down.

Charlie's coming.

- [Gemma] Yeah.

- I'm hoping it's not too awkward between you two really.

- Bobby, I like Charlie as a person and that's it.

I've moved on, Bobby, in my life,

in every way, shape and form.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- I love this stage, you know like

right at the beginning of a relationship.

And you get like all excited.

And your belly goes around like a washing machine,

you get all butterflies.

- I'm so happy for you.

- So we went to this little Italian in Soho.

- Aw!

- Yeah, which was really nice.

- [Danni] You're blushing!

- Am I?

- Yeah, you're like, aww in the clouds.

- And then we went cinema.

- Aww.

When you speak about it, your eyes are like,

- Do I?

- All lit up, yeah.

They really are, you look happy.

You kissed him?

- We had like a little kiss.

- Like a peck?

- Like.

- [Danni] An adult kiss.

- Yeah. - Yeah, aww.

- This is what I love about him, not love about him,

no, this is what I really like about him.

- I'm sorry I've got my bridesmaids outfit all ready.

- No, this is what I really like about him.

He's just different.

- Giggly Lydia.

- Tom and Lydia sitting in a tree!

- K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

[upbeat music]

- I just feel so let down that he's lying to me,

'cause he's still lying now saying that nothing happened.

He should know that I've been hurt in the past.

I've had two to three past relationships

where I've either been cheated on or lied to.

- You have been honest with him

and said you don't wanna rush.

You wanna to take things slow.

'Cause you have had your ups and downs with him before.

You don't wanna rush into it and ruin it.

- Maybe like, he's probably feeling like

a bit insecure and stuff.

Maybe you should show him a little bit more affection.

- [Sam] I'm really affectionate.

I love cuddling and kissing.

It just happens that if we're at a dinner party

and then he's grabbing my boob,

I'm not gonna grab his willy, I'm not like that.

- With you and him, he's gonna constantly feel neglected

'cause of what happened before.

So you've always got to overcompensate for that

by being really nice to him.

- Yeah.

- And unfortunately that's not a healthy relationship,

so you need to find a common ground between you both.

- Do you want a full on relationship?

- I don't know.

[energetic electronic music]

[energetic electronic music]

- [Tom P] How's it going, mate, you all right?

- All good, man.

- All right, what's been said then?

- Obviously, you know, spoke to Arg,

the other night about everything.

He still indicated me that you boys see me as snake.

- I didn't call you a snake at all mate.

I haven't said you're a snake.

I said, and the boys said as well, is a bit of a dog move.

- That's what I'm telling Arg now.

When he said to me about,

oh the boys seein' you as a snake,

I sort of did put you in it a little bit though.

That's what I wanna tell you.

- What do you mean, you dropped me in it?

- I said to him look,

I was talking to Tom and Nubar about it, as well

and he said to me, just go for it.

- [Tom P] I didn't say necessarily go for it,

blah, blah, blah, I would go for it.

Like, oh yeah, fuck it, go for it.

I was like, I can't tell you not to go for it.

I don't wanna get involved with it to be fair.

- Oh no, and I'm not for one minute ...

- If you get with Lydia,

better work cause this is just gonna cause so much agro.

- I know.

[relaxing acoustic music]

- I just don't know whether I made the right decision, Chlo.

Ever since the other day I ain't stopped thinking about it.

Just been thinking about it ever since.

- But Joe, you finished it.

So what's like made you change your mind?

- She told me she loves me, to my face, Chlo.

And the thing, that's just made this whole situation

just completely spin around.

- So do you love her?

- Yeah, I'm in love with her, I know I am.

And I ain't stopped thinking about it.

I don't think that there's any other girl out there I love.

- Well you gotta go and get her then.

You might have to fight for her.

- Fight who?

- I don't mean physical,

like go out and fight somebody, like randomly.

[laughs]

- Oh, thought I'd have to tear up someone.

- No, I mean like fight for her, like.

So you might have to go there and get knocked back.

You might have to prove your love to her.

- The way she reacted from this whole girl thing,

I could genuinely see in her eyes she was upset

and a bit annoyed.

I didn't think she'd be like that.

- Well to be honest,

I didn't think she would be like that either.

- That's what I'm saying.

- I always thought like yous was dating or something.

I didn't realise that there was

like proper feelings involved.

I thought there was on your behalf,

but I weren't sure about Sam.

Maybe she needed to feel like she was gonna lose you,

to realise how much she loved you.

- I don't know what to think now, do you know what I mean?

- Go and see her.

Get her to open up and find out how she really feels.

- But when I get there, I lose my words.

I walk in,

and then my heart just melts sort of thing.

It's well weird.

And I just can't physically speak when I'm looking at her.

I feel like I've gotta look away.

- I know what you mean.

I've had that in the past and what I used to do was,

I used to just to write it all down in a text message,

but that's a bit of a coward's way out.

But it was easier cause then I can delete something,

like rewrite it, but once you said it our loud out it's out.

- Imagine having some naughty conversation with her,

like going, yeah, I'm not being funny,

but I proper love you.

[Chloe laughs]

And like, I proper like you.

- Didn't mean it like that, don't reread it off the text.

- My heart loves you too by the way.

- I didn't mean that, I meant I wait

and send it to her.

- I feel like I don't wanna ever lose her,

do you know what I mean?

- Love's a dangerous game.

- I know, man.

- Come here, my little baby.

I wish I could make it all good for ya.

[upbeat music]

- [Cara] Imagine getting in bed with Arg.

- [All] Ooh!

[girls gagging]

- Oh don't, imagine it.

- [Lauren] Yeah I think &Lydia was always on top.

- Yeah, you would have thought so.

- You wouldn't want him on top you'd be squashed.

- Or he does it from the behind.

- I'd rather do it from the behind he couldn't see you.

- I wouldn't do it at all!

- Imagine it

- No wonder she fancies Tom.

- Happy for Lyd though, she's always liked Tom.

- [Cara] Has she really?

- Yeah, always spoke about him.

- Shut up.

- I never ever picked up on it.

- I think she never would speak blatantly about it

because obviously he's been with Billi.

- I haven't got a problem with it or anything like that.

I love Lydia, they do suit each other.

And me and Tom tried to be together, it didn't work.

It's not like we've had a serious relationship

and had a bit of break up and thingy.

Like, I see Tom everyday.

- I know, we've got all new little

Essex new couples going on.

We got Tom and Lauren.

- I find that really weird, I don't know.

- Why?

- I don't know!

- I thought he liked you in the beginning?

- [Lauren G] Yeah, but I don't care.

Like I think at the end of the day I said no.

Tom, he asked me out, I said no.

- Do you get pissed off about it though?

- [Lauren G] I'm a little bit annoyed

that Tom said to Lauren that when I was out

I tried to kiss him.

That's a complete lie.

- Is that a lie?

- Course it is!

Like I'm sure if I went to kiss Tom he'd kiss me.

- [Cara] He's obviously just trying to

make himself sound good, ain't he?

- Listen, don't get annoyed.

We know what you're like when you got the hump, don't we?

And are angry.

- Coming from you Miss hothead over there?

- [Billi] What you doing, Elvis?

Come back.

- [Frankie] He might want a wee.

- Yeah I think he needs a wee.

He's got an attitude

- Like his mother!

[all laugh]

He's gonna do a wee, look

- [Billi] Oh, he's doing a poo.

- [Frankie] Eww, he's doing a poo!

- [Lauren G] is he?

- [Billi] Ewww, Elvis!

- [Lauren G] That is the biggest poo I have ever seen

come out of that little dog.

- [Cara] Billi, I'm not being funny,

your dog's just had a shit on my mums plants.

[all laugh]

- [Billi] Look at him, he's such a diva!

- [Cara] Excuse me, Elvis?

[upbeat music and camera clicking]

[upbeat music and camera clicking]

[upbeat music and camera clicking]

[upbeat music and camera clicking]

[camera beeping and clicking]

- Can I just have like 2 minutes

just before I get the next one, is that alright?

Thank you.

Hey baby.

- Hola, you look amazing.

- Aww. [Lucy and Mario kiss]

That's better.

[Lucy moans and giggles]

Nice though, innit?

- Yeah, should wear it round the flat more.

- Do you know what?

I'm actually real really pleased with how they come out.

They've come out a lot nicer then I thought.

- I don't often say it.

But I am very lucky to have you.

- Ahh, thanks bub!

- Seriously, do you get to take this home?

- Course I get to take them home,

they're mine, I designed them!

- You match my trainers.

- Oh my God. They're like girls trainers.

[Lucy laughs]

- These are quite blingy, can actually swim in 'em

or is it just for sort of like posing around the pool?

- Well a bit of both.

Like you wouldn't be able to do like

the Olympic swimming in them.

- You look amazing.

- I feel like, I feel like this is the first summer though

that I've put a bikini on.

Usually I'm fine, you know I don't really do much exercise.

Do like a bit here and there,

but this is the first time I felt a bit wobbly.

- What size do these go up to?

- Fourteen, sixteen.

So it's quite like I think healthy size.

- I am really really proud of you.

- Thanks bubs.

Its actually nice to be the only relationship

not going through all the crap at the moment.

I think we've had our fair share.

- Yeah, definitely.

- But, it's our time now to be happy.

- [Cara] I have to sleep in this for 10 days.

- No way.

- [Frankie] I got to get my eyes prepared.

- [Billi] Oh my god.

- It is so bad.

- You got a bikini on?

- Yeah, I've had to put a halterneck on, look?

- Sexy!

- [Cara] It goes all the way down to my knees.

Its got a little hole, in case I need a wee.

- You got a wee hole?

So basically, you got crouches outfit on?

- [Cara] I basically got crouches knickers on.

[girls laugh]

But, do you know what, I'm so glad I had it done.

- [Lauren G] How much did they take out?

- Like a litre of fat.

And he showed me it after.

- Shut up, did it have like chicken nuggets in it and that?

- Nah, no it didn't.

You're disgusting.

- [Frankie] Yeah girls, like I used to be like a size 14-16.

- Did you really?

- Yeah, I weighed like twelve and a half stone.

- [Billi] I remember you, like bigger.

- I was massive.

- [Lauren G] Yeah, I remember.

- But, like I lost so much weight so quickly.

- Don't you get stretch marks when that happens?

- Babe, I've got the worst stretch marks.

I've got saggy belly, do you want me to show ya?

- [Cara] Show me yeah.

I bet it can't be that bad.

- It is.

- Look how tiny you look!

- [Frankie] Stretch marking hell.

It's just look at my belly, seriously.

- [Cara] Yeah but you know what it is,

it's just loose skin though, Frank.

- [Frankie] No, but basically I was gonna have

a tummy tuck right, and the doctor said no,

I said I'm too young, I'd have a scar basically

from there to there.

People think I've got a mommy belly,

people think I've had kids.

- [Billi] Do they?

- Yeah!

- My sister's just had a baby and after you actually

give birth, you have to give birth to the placenta.

Do you know what placenta is?

- No.

- My sister said it's like a jellyfish but brown.

People can take it home and you can cook it like and eat it.

- [Lauren G] Oh my god, who's gonna eat their placenta?

- Lauren would if she was hungry,

coz' it doesn't stick to her diet.

[All laugh]

She'll be like I'll have a bit.

- There's no fat in that, I'll eat that.

[all laugh]

[mellow music]

[mellow music]

- [Sam] It was hilarious.

- What, tell me what happened?

- So Gemma's told the whole story about Arg

asking Gemma for a blow job in front of Rami.

And he was like what?

Has he said anything to you?

- No, he just says, I think Arg is in love with you.

Do you know what I mean?

- Champagne for Jess! Celebrate.

[girls cheer]

- Thank you.

- I want an apology from Arg though.

I think he should know to talk to me better then that.

- Don't, fancy saying that to you.

- How do you feel about Arg?

Do you like, have any kind like ...

- I think you ...

- Your eyes light up when we mention him.

- Yeah, when we mention Arg,

you do a little smile, you're like.

- [Jess] You do.

- Say if Arg was Rami's age, done all what he had to do

and was ready to settle down,

then maybe I could consider it.

- [Jess] That means yes then.

- [Gemma] Cause we get on so well.

- I feel we got to keep our eye on Gemma in Marbella.

- I'm not planning to cheat on him. [all laugh]

- [Billie] What planning, she's not planning to.

- [Jess] You're not planning it.

- No, I'm not, no it's not in my head to do that.

- [Jess] So Arg is gonna be there, but Rami's not?

- Oooh.

- [Gemma] What the hell has happened

with you and Joey by the way?

- It's just basically,

like we're not seeing each other anymore.

- What?

- [Jess] It's just weird,

how all over you he was at the dinner party.

Then a few days later he's falling out of a club

with a girl holding hands, it doesn't make sense.

- I personally think he's done the whole

let's not see each other anymore for a reaction.

- There's no denying it, Joey absolutely loves Sam.

- Yeah.

- So he's said it in the heat of the moment,

or for attention.

- You've realised your feelings for him,

so I think this is a positive thing.

- Could be.

- [Gemma] I think he's coming to you to say

is it the real deal, or is it not?

Deal, or no deal?

- You gonna say that to Arg in Marbs?

- Yeah!

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- Have I got anything in my teeth?

- No.

- Talk about comfort eating.

[Arg laughs]

I was really upset, you know, when I first found out

but you know, I think now its just a case of,

you know, you got to get on with it ain't ya,

what can you do?

- How's it going boys?

- What's happening, bro?

- What's going on?

- Where you been?

- Been, been for coffee with Tom actually, mate.

- Have ya?

- [Tom P] Yeah, you ain't got a problem with that have ya?

- He told me that you told him to go for it?

- Nah, I didn't say it like that mate, at all.

I did say to him, yeah those words may have

come out my mouth, yeah go for it,

but it weren't like that at all.

- I shouldn't of never told ya, when I was pissed.

- No, you should have told me Diags,

because that's what a friend does.

- [Tom P] No, we should have told ya,

but not when everyone's pissed out their heads.

We don't want to be in the middle of things.

But at the moment, we pretty much are, aren't we?

- I'm pretty much involved in everyone's relationship.

- Lydia's pissed off with you, ain't she?

- Yeah.

- Why is she pissed off with you?

- Cause he told you.

- Obviously, you're my mate!

- [Tom P] I know, but she's saying she wanted to be

the person that told you about the whole thing.

- She is talking out of her ironing board flat arse.

The thing I don't get is when I was going out with Lydia

the thing that she loved about me was the fact that,

you know, I made her laugh all the time.

I had her and her family in stitches everyday.

I've hung around with Tom Kilbey quite a lot,

and I don't think he's ever made me laugh once.

Has he ever made you laugh?

- Once or twice.

[all laugh]

Don't they say it takes half the relationship

to get over the person you were with or something like that?

- [Arg] Don't say that.

You've only got another 1 year 9 months to wait boys

I'll be back to my old self.

[mellow music]

- So the deal I signed today was a 3 single deal,

and then with the option of an album.

So after the 3 singles, it could be an album as well.

- [Sam] So who's signed to the same record label as you?

- N-Dubz and Tulisa, they're on the same label.

- It's gonna be amazing.

- You deserve all this, what's happening to you now.

- [Jess] I wrote it as well

so I'll be getting royalties on it.

- [Billie] Really?

- Yeah, co wrote it.

- That is amazing.

- You're gonna be a billionaire.

- Oh my god, imagine that.

- Congratulations Jess, well done!

- [Gemma] Are you going Bobby's academy launch tonight?

- [Sam] Yeah, you going?

- He's got a whole new look he's revealing.

- Really?

[all murmur]

- Yeah, everywhere he goes, people associate him with Gok.

And he's like, I'm Bob.

- [Billie] The thing is for him to be really different,

he has to get that fringe off his face.

Coz I never really seen him with no hair on his face.

- Do you know the reason for that though?

- Yeah he doesn't like his head.

- Because his ex boyfriend used to say

that he had a fanny on his head.

It's really mentally affected him.

- Imagine having like a nunny on your head.

[all laugh]

[mellow electronic music

- [Debbie] My lovely Trevor, look, he's such an old boy now.

He's about a 120 in our age.

- Don't.

- Anyway, do you love 'em?

- [Carol] They're really sweet, but they're nuff ugly.

- What you're talking about?

- [Carol] Look at the state of them!

- [Debbie] I think they're absolutely gorgeous!

Listen, him was on the seven day death penalty.

When they're put down after seven days

if no one actually like gets them.

And the woman in Mutts in Distress

where I rescued them from.

She drove for hours to pick him up.

Just so that he wouldn't get put down.

- Where's the other one?

- He's gorgeous, she's here!

This is Dolly.

- Is she all right to stroke?

- Yeah.

[dog barks and Carol squeals]

[Debbie and Carol laugh]

- [Carol] I can't let these two mix with dogs like that.

That's disgraceful.

- No she's calm, she's just really nervous!

- I think you've lost the plot.

- I'm really pleased that I went,

I actually went there for one dog.

We see Dolly and then we went to pick her up

and he was in the cage nextdoor.

His tail was all down, his ears were down,

his eyes were so sad.

So I actually got in the car with Dolly

and I just was really sad.

Lydia was crying and I just said I can't leave him Lydia.

I went back into the rescue centre

and asked to speak to them, I said listen,

I'm really sorry but I've actually really taken to him.

- [Carol] How did Dave feel about it all?

- I just absolutely had murders, Carol.

- [Carol] I bet you did.

Basically you said it's Dave or the dog.

- No, Dave said that, he left me.

- Has he come back?

- Yes, he did come [laughs]

- Oh, you better go buy another two dogs then.

[Debbie and Carol laugh]

[upbeat music]

- I was like have you got something going on?

- All right, darling?

- Oh my god Bob, you look amazing.

- Thanks Luce, you all right darling?

- Absolutely amazing.

- [Dannii] I didn't think it was gonna be like that.

It looks amazing!

- It's a whole new me.

I keep catching myself in all the mirrors though,

and I'm like who's that man, you know,

for a split split second, I don't know it's me.

- [Lucy] Have you taken down loads of appointments?

- Well the thing is, I think a lot of people

have got confused like with the opening of it.

Thinking, is it an actual salon,

but it's an academy so people will come in

to train and to learn to be hairdressers.

- Oh so I can come in here and get my hair done for free?

- You can come in and have your hair

done for free, baby, absolutely.

- Are you gonna have like music playing as well?

- Always a little bit of tuneage in the background.

- [Dannii] Yeah, you've got to.

I used to hate that in college,

they didn't have music on or anything,

just sittin' there listenin' to the teacher,

goin' in one ear and out the other.

- What did you study at college, Danni, I'd love to know?

- Legal secretary actually.

- Shut up!

- Yeah, and I got out with first class... A?

Weren't it, A first class ... yeah first class.

An A basically.

- [Lucy] Shut up.

- No I did.

- What are you doing for Marbella?

You gonna do like a funky hairstyle

or just gonna keep it the same?

- Dunno mate, I probably..

- [Little Chris] Keep it the same?

- Just leave it the same yeah.

- I'm worried cause I can't really go out there

with this 'cause I get curly hair.

You know how curly mine goes.

- Just shave it.

- No, I'm not shaving it, I'd look like a lab rat.

- You'd look good with a zero.

- Zero, have a laugh.

I ain't gonna get a zero am I?

I'd look like Dr Evil.

All I'd need is a bald pussy to stroke and I'd be away.

[boys laugh]

Anyway, why have you been like

off a bit with us lot recently?

- Not off of yous.

The whole Diags thing just fucked me off.

He decides to tweet about

the whole Lucy and Mark thing again.

Banter, I don't give a shit about what he says

about my nose all day long.

It's Diags!

Like I've said from day one, he is the ugliest bastard

I've ever seen in my life.

So I don't care about that, that's between me and him.

As soon as he starts bringing my girlfriend into it

that's a different level.

- The only thing he's got on you, he's saying that.

That's the only thing he can think of.

And its not really anything to do with him.

- Yeah, but who do you think put it in his mind?

Arg.

- [Little Chris] The way they keep bitching about everyone,

they're not gonna have any mates.

- Boys, Essex is a small place, so there's only

so long they can hide for before I cross path with them, so.

Bring it on.

- [Joey] Is this true yeah, is it true facts?

When you have sex with a girl, right, yeah,

we let off something in their body

that makes them fancy us.

[Arg and Joey laugh]

- [Arg] What the fuck are you talking about, Joe?

- Apparently it's true.

When we have sex with girl, yeah,

and it's a hormone inside their bodies,

so when we have sex with them like that,

It makes it, something inside their body goes,

oh yeah I well fancy him.

I wanna have sex with him.

- Are you sure it's not called the G-spot?

- No!

Not the G-Spot, you donut.

[Arg laughs]

What you doin' tonight then?

- That's what I was gonna see, you know,

see if you fancy coming out for a drink with the boys.

- Nah mate, I honestly don't feel like it,

I can't go out for a drink tonight.

I'm not in the mood, I'm just so confused about Sam.

I can't, I don't know what I wanna do mate.

How did you know you was in love with Lydia?

- You know, I think the fact that I thought about her

probably near or every minute of the day. [laughs]

And it just felt special when I was with her.

- I can't ever see myself, for instance

if it was all to be over and Sam was to,

I'd never see Sam again, it would break my heart.

I want to make her happy and when I see her smilin'

I smile, do you know what I mean?

- You know whether it works out with you or Sam or not,

and I surely hope it does, you need to do something

so at least you know that you've tried.

Coz' you don't want to regret it like I do.

- I know.

- [Arg] If you can get your true love back

and win her back, you gotta do it.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- To be fair, I really don't like Diags anymore.

I think that he's a really nasty piece of work.

Like I think the more that him and Arg

are hanging round with each other,

the more they've morphed into each other.

Like with me and Tom, it's all been completely

blown out of proportion.

That's because Diags has been like a little bitch.

I basically said to him, I should have told James.

And I even turned round to Diags, coz I went,

you're a little bitch anyway Diags,

cause you bitched about Arg to me the other day,

which he did.

- Shut up!

- Yeah!

- Oh my god!

- Bitched about Arg to me the other day

and I like went, like you're just pathetic.

And then he wrote to me saying, oh I'm really sorry Lydia,

like I didn't mean to tell James, I was drunk.

- Arg, Diags, no bird, no job.

- Yeah.

- Bitches.

[mellow music]

[mellow music]

[mellow music]

- Puts it forth, that chested tonight.

- Do I bubs?

[Lauren P laughs]

- If I wanna be like fashiony with no tits, I can.

- I don't believe ya.

- Your boobs are looking nice tonight.

- Am I totally tit taped.

- [Chloe] They look so natural.

- [Lauren P] You think?

- You look like a bottled Jean Paul Gaultier [laughs]

- Thanks babes, I think we've coordinated quite well.

- Lauren looks pretty tonight, doesn't she?

- You know what, have you seen the low cut top

she's wearing tonight?

Have you seen how tight it is on her ass?

- Do you fancy her or something?

- [Arg] No, I'm telling you

there's reason why she's wearing that outfit.

She's heard you've got a big penis.

[all laugh]

[knocking on door]

- Can we talk?

[door closing]

- You're this end.

[Joey] You alright?

You upset?

- Yeah, I'm still upset.

- Do you think I fucked up?

- [Sam] Well you did.

- Yeah I know I fucked up, Sam.

- All I've been thinking about is

the situation happened in the last few days.

So no matter how much my friends have tried

to make me happier, trying to say like it'll be fine,

in fact I haven't been fine.

You've embarrassed me, you've humiliated me,

you've basically said you don't want to see me anymore.

- Yeah Sam, I thought about things.

I'm just an idiot for what I said aren't I, really?

I was scared, that's why I was wondering what do I do?

Do you know what I mean?

- So you walk out of a club with another girl?

- No, but it's not like that, Sam, is it?

- What have you come here for?

- Obviously, I regret completely right,

walking out of the club with that girl right.

I do, I regret it, and I wish it never happened.

But I'm saying is I don't like the girl.

I don't like her, I ain't spoke to her since,

do know what I mean?

- Exactly since, so why can't you

just be honest with what happened that night?

- Nothing happened that night.

I'm sorry I walked out the club with a fucking girl.

I'm sorry, I said this, I'm sorry.

And I am sorry, I swear on my life.

It's not a big thing.

But in your eyes and thinking about it now ...

- It is a big thing.

I'm a girl, things like that are big things.

- I know and I realise that now.

- I just played it over and over in my head,

ah like he's slept with this girl.

And the thought of that, makes me feel sick

that's what I'm saying.

- I realise that.

Sam, you sound like, you know at at the end of the day

that I'm in love with you, don't ya, and like ...

- Yeah but, you say that and ...

Jo, you know I love you too but I'm sorry

I'm just not like you.

I don't wear my heart on my sleeve like you.

- What do you mean?

- I've got trust issues, I have.

You've only had one previous serious relationship,

I've had 2 or 3, and every single one has failed.

And I might not be like, oh I love you, all the time

and grabbing you and this and that,

at the moment that's not what I'm like.

I don't feel comfortable or confident enough

to do that because of what might,

what has happened to me in the past.

- Yeah I know that Sam, I've already said

that I appreciate the fact that

you're not affectionate like that.

- Ok, so before the other night,

was you gonna come round here that day,

regardless of that night, was you gonna come round here

that day and say you don't want to see me anymore?

- No, on the positive side, yeah,

you wouldn't have told me you loved me right?

You wouldn't have told me you liked me,

unless that didn't happen?

Do you know what I mean?

- Yeah but things were going fine.

How do you know that I wasn't gonna tell you that?

- Because you wouldn't of.

- Ok well maybe what's happened

has made me realise that I do like you, and what?

What are you gonna do about it now - nothing.

While things were going fine

until you fucked it up basically.

[Joey sighs]

[upbeat music]

[Tom P gasps]

- Oh, you just wet yourself.

It's embarrassing.

That's nice.

- This is so weird, innit?

Obviously, you know Joey is with Sam quite a lot now,

Tom's obviously you know cracking on with Lauren.

- And I've got lumbered with the two losers of Essex.

[Chloe laughs]

- Do you think you're better looking than me, Chloe Simms?

- Hundred percent. [laughs]

- [Diags] She probably is.

- Oh my god, you really sayin'

that I'm not better looking than you?

No wonder no one don't like you, Arg.

- Oh don't be like that, Chlo!

[Arg laughs]

[Lauren P and Tom P kiss]

- Do you think I'm a good kisser?

- You're not a bad kisser.

- Not bad, is that it?

- What do you think I am?

- You're all right.

- Sort of do, no you're a good kisser.

- So, you're not seeing anyone else at the moment are you?

- No.

- What I'm trying to say is like, what are we?

Is it like an exclusive thing or not?

Like say I was out and you saw me kissing another girl

would you get annoyed?

- Well, I wouldn't get annoyed

because you're not my boyfriend.

- Yeah, do you want me to be your boyfriend?

- What? [laughs]

We don't know each other well enough yet.

- Haha, I'm only joking.

- If you put yourself into my situation, you would be worse.

I'm sorry.

You probably wouldn't even talk to me.

- I don't know what I'd do.

I don't know whether I'd go mad or.

I don't think I'd be happy no.

I didn't intentionally go out to do what I did.

It's not it's not not, I didn't do anything.

I'm a fucking idiot, I ain't never gonna do it again.

Swear on my life, fucking stupid.

[Joey exhales]

Obviously when I thought about it,

I realised what I said was wrong.

What, why you laughing?

- Don't know.

- Do I make you happy?

- Yes!

Are you joking?

When I'm with you all I do is laugh.

But recently what you done is your fault.

- Yeah I know, Sam.

And I admit it and regret it as well.

I would never disrespect you, I would never cheat on you

and I never have, I never have and I never would.

- Good.

- What do you want to do then?

- Well I want things to go back to the way it was,

but I feel like I still feel pissed off with you

for what you done.

- I love you, right.

- I love you too, Joey.

- You're the sort of girl like

I would probably want to marry.

I'm being serious, I've been about and..

- I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing cause it's nice.

- Do you want to be with me or not?

- You know I do.

[Sam giggles]

So you want to marry me now?

- Yeah, I want to have your babies.

- You are actually really lucky.

You actually got off really lightly.

- What do you forgive me?

- Yeah.

- [Joey] Do you want to be my girlfriend?

[upbeat music]

- Yeah.

Come here, I haven't got any knickers on.

[upbeat music]

[Joey and Sam kiss]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[electronic club music]

[electronic club music]

[electronic club music]

- I saw her last night on my way back from...

- Hey guys, sorry to interrupt.

- Hello, cheers babe, lovely to see you.

- You alright Charlie? You look lovely.

- Thank you, it's Bobby's night,

I don't want to cause a scene,

but things have been on my mind, Gem,

since you saw us the other day.

And I want to know, what's it all about?

- What do you mean?

- Why was it the other day when me and Bobby

were outside having a coffee, you had to say

Elton John and David Furnish?

What are you getting at, what are you saying?

- Well I'm saying just that.

- But what does that mean then?

Are you saying are you two gay?

Are you two having sex?

- No.

- Cause that's what those two do innit,

they're a gay couple.

- Well they wear nice clothes and they look nice

and go out together.

I don't know what they do in the bedroom.

- Gemma, come one Gemma.

- Why you folding your arms?

Hiding your body language, undo your arms.

- Don't talk to me, if I want to fold my arms,

I will fold my arms.

- No, because you're hiding.

You're hiding behind what you really are.

- So what am I then, what am I?

- Right, let me tell you something now.

You are, a lovely boy.

Lovely, lovely, lovely.

You're nice looking, I've never put you down.

I never brought up this gay thing,

the gay things always been there Charlie.

I don't care whether you're gay, straight,

wanna dress up in my outfits

and stick lipstick and heels on,

I'd be your mate still.

You have got attitude with me

and let me tell you something now,

when you was having a coffee with Bobby, right?

I came over, I was happy as larry,

I was going to Sam's house for a dinner party

with my new man, so I come over ...

- So why couldn't you just come over

and say alright boys nice to see ya.

Just be nice.

Oh no, you two should get together.

- Have I ever slagged him off to you?

- I am friends with both of you,

and I literally am bang in the middle of this.

You haven't slagged him off ...

- Thank you, I've never said a bad word against you.

If anything, I've gone round defending you.

Please don't ever, ever talk to me again ...

- Trust me, I don't want nothing to do with you.

- [Gemma] I don't want anything to do with you.

It's Bobby's launch tonight, and you've come over for a row.

- I've come over because I can't stand the fact

that we're in the same room as each other

and there's tension.

- And I just, I want to say, I've said to both of you.

- I didn't feel no tension, I invited you out for lunch.

Did I, or did I not invite him out?

- [Bobby] I said none of this shit,

none of this fucking shit tonight,

and you both said this wasn't gonna happen.

I've said it before, you're never gonna get on.

You're not Romeo and Juliet, just fuck it off.

- But you keep coming at me

like a little fucking Jack Russell.

Sniping, cause you're nasty.

- You are a paranoid, you're paranoid.

- I ain't paranoid Charlie.

Look at you, you are nuts!

I don't like two faced people, I might shout,

but I'm straight, you're a Jekyll!

I do not care one iota about you.

You're old news, I've moved on,

stop acting the victim

making out I'm picking on you, cause I'm not!

- I'm sitting there having coffee with him.

You come over, I've met this lovely masculine fella.

- What's wrong with me saying, I've met a masculine fella!?

- Because you're trying to prove a point!

- No, it's in your head, it's in your head!

I should be allowed to go round

and say I've met a masculine fella!

That's your fucking problem!

- You ain't a very nice person Gemma.

- No I'm not, no I'm not!

I'm the worst person ever!

- In your core, you're not a very nice person and it shows.

[Gemma throws a drink at Charlie]

[glass falling on the floor]

- That really necessary in my fucking shop?

- Bye Gemma!

- [Gemma] You're a fucking dirty Jekyll!

- [Narrator] Tor those of you that still have eardrums,

next time on the series finale

of The Only Way Is Essex.

Has Billie discovered the perfect dinner party starter?

- Do you know what placenta is?

You can cook it like and eat it.

- [Narrator] Will the Essex pant rustler strike again?

- Come here, I haven't got any knickers on.

Get off!

- [Narrator] And can Elvis please leave the building?

- [Cara] Your dog just had a shit on my mom's plant.

[girls laugh]

- [Narrator] Who knows, these people are real.

And anything can happen on The Only Way Is Essex.