Original subtitles

new gnashers and loads of ag.

The tans you see might be fake,

but the people are all real,

although some of what they do has been set up

purely for your entertainment.

Previously on The Only Way Is Essex.

- This is Rami.

- [All] Rami!

- So how long have you been together?

- We aint together.

- We was together, we broke up,

and then recently we just started seeing each other again.

- What's happening with texting...

- [Tom] Texting what?

- You know who. - It's all right, you know.

It's awkward though innit.

It's an awkward situation.

- So you're gonna come out on another date with me.

- You've done well.

[upbeat music]

- Just sorta said after the date

are we gonna do something again,

and she was like yeah cool,

like maybe maybe tonight sorta thing.

But I ain't spoke to her since so I dunno.

I was thinking about maybe sending some flowers

or something but is that too keen?

I'd say hope you enjoyed the date.

I'm thinking it looks a bit cringey,

I wouldn't normally do it but I do like her

and I think she would like it.

- Mm dunno man, quite cringey.

Do you know what, I think you should send her flowers

if you do something wrong.

- Does that mean you're gonna send Sam some flowers?

- Nah 'cause I ain't done anything wrong.

[phone chimes]

[sighs]

Mate, he's fuming mate.

- Diag shouldn't have told him should he.

- The thing is I always say to Diags,

when you get drunk just try and keep

your mouth shut a little bit,

and he always, always lets something go.

- Here he is look, sugar tits over there.

- You're such an idiot man. What exactly have you told Arg?

- That Tom Kilbey's been texting Lydia.

- Why?

Why did you say that?

- Pissed!

- [Joey] We was gonna tell him.

- Yes I know that, but--

- I was gonna tell him, and nicely,

you told him when you was pissed.

- You know I spoke to you about it,

and then I got drunk and then when you're drunk

you just say stuff don't ya.

- One of our own mates has just gone

behind one of our mates backs.

It's so bad man, what's he doing man?

Tom Kilbey come into the group right,

and he's getting with one of the group's ex birds.

Would any of yous ever do that to me?

- No. - Obviously not.

- But yeah, but why?

Because we've got respect for each other.

He's wrong, he's literally 100% wrong, there's no like...

- He must know he's wrong as well though.

He's obviously chosen that over his mate.

So he's made his decision already.

- He's chose that over all of us lot.

- I dunno why he's done this actually.

- It's actually ridiculous, he's so bad.

I dunno what to do mate, 'cause I do like him

and I wanna be his friend, but...

- [Tom] He's got a lot of explaining to do, 'ent he?

[phone ringing]

Who is it?

- Arg.

Arg?

Yeah, it's just me, Tom and Diags in the cafe.

Yeah me and Diags are gonna come round,

come round in a bit yeah for an emergency meeting, yeah?

You all right mate?

All right mate, I'll see you in a bit.

Ta-ta, bye mate.

- This is like the most boring thing

I've ever done in my life.

- Oh Gem cheer up.

Ooh look at these snowflakes Gem.

They're crying to come home with me,

wanna be tucked into bed, the little darlin's.

These last actually forever.

- I wonder if me and Rami will last forever.

We went to Sam's dinner party the other night

and it was just so nice to sit there

with actually someone who's bang on good looking.

Joey went to me, "Oh he's proper smart,"

and it's just really nice, do you know what I mean?

- Yeah as long as you're happy Gem, that's the main thing.

I want you to be happy.

- We are like the Dodie and Princess Diana of Essex.

What do you think?

- Are you sure Gem?

Are you sure?

You're not dreaming, are ya?

- No, I feel it.

- That's good.

If it makes you happy.

- Do you know what I mean,

he's like always on about the boom boom, and you know.

- What's boom boom?

- Like passion and like the boom boom.

- Like when he met you and his heart was boom booming

'cause you was so beautiful.

- Yeah.

- [Joan] Is that what he thought?

- Something like that yeah.

- Yeah, oh well.

- [Gemma] You need a bit of boom boom mum.

- Yeah a bit of excitement.

- You need some excitement in your life.

But when you meet Rami I think you will like him.

- Is he like, good at helping?

'Cause I really need my bushes cut in the garden.

- As if I'm gonna say to Rami,

"Hi Rami, can you come round and help my Mum trim her bush?"

- Well if he's like family I'm sure

he wouldn't mind helping.

No pressure, if he fancies it.

- [Gemma] Okay.

- Yeah, shall we see if there's any pansies

'cause that's what I really love,

there's some up here I think.

- Why don't you get Bobby round?

- What are you doin' out here?

- Hanging, that's what I'm doin'.

- [Cara] What?

- I'm hanging.

- [Cara] What time did you get in this morning?

- Seven,30. - Seven o'clock?

I know, dirty stop out.

- Some people go to work at that time and you're rolling in.

That is bad, Tom.

- [Tom] I know.

- Not that I don't do it.

What are you doing tonight?

- Tonight, I think I'm gonna go see the boys actually.

- You haven't seen the boys for a little while though

have ya?

- No I haven't.

I think, I dunno about, whether Arg has been talkin' to 'em.

- [Cara] I hope not.

- Well he would of, obviously about the situation,

about, 'cause I've spoke to him.

- Yeah but something that's going on

with me and Billi shouldn't have an effect on you.

- I know, but like it will have an effect on me

if someone's like talking about you.

- [Cara] Yeah well obviously, that's a bit different.

- In the wrong way, I'm gonna put my back up a bit ain't I?

- He makes me so angry.

So angry.

- You gotta laugh about it.

- I ain't laughing 'cause it isn't funny.

- You gotta laugh about it,

if you don't laugh about it then--

- No because he's caused so much dramas from it all.

He's caused so much dramas from lying.

- Course.

- Lauren, are you supposed to talk in saunas?

- No, shh

[laughs]

- But I wanna know the gossip!

- What gossip?

- Did you tongue him, yes or no?

- I may have done a little bit.

- Did you give him a full on snog?

- Maybe.

- You did didn't you!

- He'd gone to so much effort.

- Yeah I bet he really planned that date well.

Get her pissed, and then get a full on snog.

And then did he ask you on a second date

while you was drunk?

- Yeah and then I think I kissed him again.

- No way.

Okay, you got two for the price of one babes.

- Well I haven't had a good kiss for a while

so I thought fuck it, just get in there.

[laughing]

- What was the cab like on the way home then,

like when you was both drunk and you'd kissed,

was it awkward or all right?

- You know when you're like a bit drunk

in a cab on the way home,

I just slumped in the corner, like this,

and then he come and sat like literally here next to me,

and then he was like, he kept kissing me in the cab as well.

- So he absolutely violated you then.

- Yeah I was totally violated in the cab on the way home.

- And once you give 'em one kiss they think

that's it then, they can just take liberties.

Do you reckon like you would sleep with him though,

or not really?

- Now I know he's a good kisser,

I could imagine he'd be quite good in bed.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Well, all I'm gonna say is,

me and you have got summer plans

so don't go fallin' in love with him.

- No no no no no.

- 'Cause I'll be sittin' all dateless,

I'll be sittin' in the sauna on my own next

'cause you'll be off with him.

- Oh Pops, we need to get you back out there don't we?

- [Male] Sorry.

- I've obviously known Tom for years,

but I've got close with him a lot recently.

- Oh yeah.

- Like me and Tom, like just me and Tom together,

we've gone shopping together just us two,

he's come round my house countless amount of times,

we've all gone out as boys,

we were even planning a holiday the other week.

While he's been spending all this time with me

and like making out he's one of my close friends,

he's been texting Lydia behind my back.

- This is what we don't get, this is what we don't get,

but obviously what we're trying to say is,

what we gonna do, where do we go from now?

- The thing is, I need to find out exactly

what the text messages saying and whether

there is something really going on.

- We said this, we said the only reason

he's probably not told ya is because he does feel guilty.

Because if there was not a problem with it

and he wasn't embarrassed and he wasn't feeling guilty,

he'd just say it straight to you,

"I've been talking to Lydia," blah blah blah.

- And also Lydia, like I was the girl for like a long time,

and I think, I dunno if you agree,

but I think there's nothing more hurtful

that you could ever do with someone

than break up with someone and then go with

one of your ex's friends.

I think that's literally one of the most hurtful things

you could ever do to someone.

- But it's not about Lydia, Arg!

Fuck.

- It's not about Lydia mate, it's not Lydia's fault.

- Course it is.

- [Both] Lydia can do what she wants.

- But she knows that Tom's my close friend.

She's out of order!

- Yes, but Tom is your close friend.

You're not understanding this,

Tom is your actual close friend.

- Tom's your friend, man.

If one of my mates got with Sam

I'd be pissed off with my mate, not Sam.

- What you're saying you wouldn't be upset with Sam as well?

- Yeah obviously I would, I'd be upset Arg,

but there's nothing I could do about it.

Right I think you know what you need to do,

you need to ring Tom, you need to sort it out

and just go meet him and just get it over and done with.

'Cause that's the only way you're gonna get the truth,

'ent ya?

[upbeat music]

- Ooh I'd like to have a new set of teeth, really.

Because these keep breaking on me now.

I'm frightened to eat anything hard or anything.

I'd like to have 'em a little bit bigger than what they are.

- [Doctor] Little bit bigger, yeah.

- Because they've worn down like, haven't they?

- She wants a Hollywood smile.

- Hollywood smile.

- I want, yeah.

- She does.

Hollywood.

- No I want a nice set.

- Okay, and do you want them a bit whiter?

- Bit whiter, please, yeah.

- Okay, these are darker and they come

all the way this way to white.

- [Pat] Yeah no I like that.

- [Doctor] This is really the white ones, okay?

- That's it, yeah.

- And you tell me which is your favourite.

All right, this is the darker one.

Have a look.

That's the more natural one.

And that's the more Hollywood one.

- [Carol] Hollywood or Essex, mum?

- Yeah I'll have that one, I want the natural one.

- [Carol] Essex one.

- Good choice.

The other bonus by the way is I'll give you

the correct amount of fullness and support,

and what that's gonna do is you see these wrinkles,

they'll go away, a fair number of them.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, that's a bonus.

- [Carol] You don't have to have a facelift now.

- I can have a face lift and all.

[laughing] - I don't know about the face,

but I'll certainly get the lips right for you.

- Very good, thank you.

- [Sam] Absolutely fuming like you cannot believe.

- I've shut the shop and just come straight over.

What has actually happened?

- Basically, like I've woke up this morning

to find out Joey went home last night with another girl.

- What?

- [Sam] Yeah.

- Are you joking?

- Like everyone saw it.

He was with her all night, he went home with her,

he walked out the club holding her hand,

got in a cab, just the two of 'em, went home.

Like it's so blatant, it's like he's done it on purpose

for me to find out.

- For a reaction 'cause yous two aren't

official boyfriend and girlfriend?

- I don't know.

In a way I'm glad because everyone thinks

that he's so innocent and lovely

and when I broke up with him, bad Sam, poor Joey.

It's bollocks, everyone knows now what he's really like.

He's the same as Mark, same as Arg,

he's the same as every boy in Essex.

- He's just blatantly taking the piss out of you, isn't he?

- This is what I'm saying.

Like, if, okay yeah we're not boyfriend and girlfriend

but we are seeing each other.

I wouldn't do that to him.

I certainly wouldn't walk out a night club

where all my friends are holding someone's hand.

It's embarrassing.

- The thing is like, kind of,

the Joey who you was with before

I would never have thought would done that.

- He's changed.

I'm sorry, he goes out all the time,

he goes out every night of the week,

yeah he's young let him do what he wants,

but don't act like you wanna be with me

and tell me you love me and come round and like...

The most annoying thing about it all is,

is that he knows full well what he's done is wrong

and obviously whenever I see him or speak to him

he's gonna try and defend it and be like nothing happened.

- So there's no doubt that you think

they didn't sleep together.

- No I think if he tried to tell me

he didn't I think it's bollocks.

- I can't understand it.

He's let himself down.

[upbeat music]

- I've got lots of nice little bits.

- Did you?

- Oh yeah.

- Never have too many clothes, girls.

- Suns out, shorts are out, dresses are out.

- Boobs are out.

- We get like a tiny little bit of sun and that's it,

we've all gotta get everything out.

[laughing]

- And everyone looks at you like why have you got shorts on?

- But it's never actually warm enough

for us to be wearing it.

Like now, I could do with some jeans on really.

- I'm freezing.

It's all right, as long as we look good.

[upbeat music]

- So here it is, after all the hard work.

- This is actually amazing.

- Do you like it?

- Yeah, it's quality.

- [Mitch] Do you reckon the boys'll like it?

- Yeah I was with them all earlier mate, they'd love this.

- Yeah?

- This is amazing.

- Yeah this is it, the Gentlemen's Club of the White Hart.

That's what we call it.

- I like it.

- Yeah. - I proper like it.

This place is called The White Hart not The Sugar Hut.

You used to have The Gentleman's Club in the 1700s.

- I think it's wicked.

So literally this is only for men only.

- Well men only but you can let women come in here

to like serve us drinks and what have ya.

- I like it.

- Is that all right?

- I like it, yeah it's like being at home.

- So it's like wait on us, we do that.

- [Mario] It's just like being at home.

- Oh you do that?

- Fuck no.

[laughing] - Do you want a drink?

- Oh yeah, go for it. - [Mitch] Look at this.

This is a gentleman's travelling companion set.

Look at that.

- It's amazing.

It's like an antique?

- Very much so.

There you go, look have this.

Used to take this with 'em on the Stagecoaches

when they was travelling north.

- Will this put hairs on my chest, mate?

- [Mitch] This will definitely put hairs on your chest.

This brandy is as old as the room.

We'll just drink to the room, all right?

- It's only about a month old, the room, innit?

[laughing]

- No I mean it's old.

Bits of it are old.

So the brandy's as old as the chest.

- Drink to the gentleman's room then.

- The gentleman's room, cheers.

- [Mario] Jesus Christ.

[upbeat music]

- These things take time,

like going through a breakup is like--

- The hardest thing.

- Oh my God, the hardest thing in the whole entire world,

like for any person.

But it just takes time.

Time is the best healer, and I really believe that.

- Even now though, like the other day,

like two days ago someone said like how are you both

and I just went, "Yeah, we're great."

Like I still couldn't bring myself

to say no I'm not with him.

- Can you imagine looking your partner in the face

after doing some of the stuff that our exes

has put us through, and sit there and go,

"Oh I really love you baby."

- Yeah.

Not only has he now left me at 24

and I'm now single and can't see a future,

he actually told me we was gonna get married

and we were gonna have kids

and we were gonna have a lovely house

and I was gonna have a Bentley.

Well.

- Bet she was gonna call her kids the worst names.

- No they weren't the worst names.

- [Lucy] Tell me.

- I threw up when she told me.

- You're so mean.

- I said you cannot call your kids these names.

- Right, what are they?

- Right, she wanted a boy and a girl

and she was gonna call them Carter and Cartier.

[laughing]

- Luce, that face aint saying a lot.

- Do you think that's all right?

- No, that not is all right.

- [Lydia] You can't call them Cartier and Carter.

- Isn't that a word though, like a name?

- Yes, for a watch, a designer watch.

- [Lucy] Well Mario wants to call our kid MJ.

- For Michael Jackson?

- No, for Mario Junior.

[laughing]

- Oh, I'm sorry.

MJ, okay, I get it.

- Obviously Tom Kilbey's in the wrong

because Arg definitely still loves Lydia,

we all know that yeah?

- Jeez I like Tom but it makes this whole situation

so awkward like between all of us.

- I'm not gonna take sides or nothing but...

[phone chimes]

Sam's just text me.

- What?

- I know what you did last night.

- [Diegs] Shit.

[sighs]

- I'm gonna have to go see her now mate.

I'm gonna have to go and explain myself.

- This is actually just pure ag.

- Shopping's so tiring, innit?

All that walking around.

- Thanks chick.

Cream crackered.

- At least we're a bit sorted now for Marbs.

- Yeah I know.

I just wanna stand out and look different

to everybody else in Marbella.

- Yeah it's because we're gonna know everyone there

and it's like one big fashion parade.

We've really gotta up our game this time.

- It's so competitive innit?

And I don't even wanna get caught up in

that little rat race but I'm in it.

- [Lauren] You can't help but be in it.

- Do you know what I mean,

like I'm practically Dorian from Birds of a Feather,

chilling in Chidwell right now.

- Yeah I love how you just come round to like hang out

and you're in like your jewels and your tracksuit.

- I just can't lose, I have to be the winner.

- You know you can take dogs on holiday

but they need a passport.

When we go Marbella, do you reckon I can take Elvis?

- Billie, stop this.

You want Elvis to come Marbella with us?

- [Billi] Yeah.

We'll have to take him and get his pictures done.

- You're gonna have to wind the chair

so far up to hit the thing.

- I know, imagine.

- You're not seriously thinking of taking him.

- Elvis, do you wanna come to Marbella?

I think he'd like Marbella,

but d'you know what, he'd probably get burnt,

that's what I'd be a bit worried about.

- You're gonna have to get him some sunglasses.

- I had to put cream on his head before

so he didn't get burnt but I used that human factor 50,

but I don't know if they do dog suncream.

If not, I'll just get him a visor.

This poor dog, he must think the things you do to me.

- Listen, I don't think he'll be complaining

that he'll be having a holiday, that's for sure.

- Yeah.

Quite lucky really, 'ent he?

- I'm off out now girls.

- [Cara] Where you going? - Going to meet up with Arg.

- Are you?

- To meet Arg?

- Yeah.

Is that all right?

- Well yeah if you want.

- See you later. - See you later.

- See you later.

- So what look are you gonna go for in Marbs?

'Cause I mean like you're Dorian now,

you don't wanna be Dorian in Marbs.

- I don't wanna get stuck with the Dorian label,

that was a joke.

- I think we need to leave Dorian at the airport.

[laughing]

- [Chloe] She's so getting left at the airport.

- Let's wave her off on the plane.

[doorbell rings]

- You expecting anyone?

- [Lauren] No, your 'ere.

[laughing]

- Who is it?

- [Lauren] I dunno.

- You alright babe?

- [Lauren] Hi!

- [Tom] How's it goin? - All right, how are you?

- [Tom] Yeah, what's going on?

- They for me?

- Course they are, just thought I'd come and surprise ya.

- Aw wow, thank you.

They're massive.

- Guess where else I've been today.

- Where?

Oh my God, you got it!

- [Tom] Got your favourite one.

Is this the right one?

- Aw, yeah.

Aw thank you.

Wedding wine, you trying to tell me something Tom?

- [Tom] Mm-hmm.

- [Lauren] What you doing tonight, you going out?

- I'm not sure yet. Might go and see the boys or something

but I ain't got anything planned.

I'm knackered

- I would invite you in but I've got Chloe round.

- No room for one more?

- Um.

- I'm only joking.

All right I'll leave you to your night anyway.

Give us a kiss.

See you later.

- Bye.

[laughs]

O-M-G.

- They're so nice.

They're so gorgeous.

- How big?

- They're lovely.

- [Lauren] I know.

- [Chloe] What did he say, just turned up with flowers?

- Yeah and this wine.

- That's like really brave though,

like to come to your door and give you flowers and wine.

- This is what we drank when we went on that date,

but I said I really like it and he actually

remembered which one it was.

- Oh my god that is the cutest thing ever.

If this is the kinda treatment you get

by going out with younger guys

I'm totally getting involved.

- It's all about younger guys.

[laughs]

- Do you know, like it was like only the other day

that he was round here saying I love you, do you love me?

Being all lovey dovey, like non-stop touching me

and kissing me.

It's just, I dunno.

It's just completely thrown me,

I'm so angry and so pissed off.

That could be Joey.

- So does he know that you know now?

- I just text him saying that I knew.

- Oh my god, he's come round here to confront it.

- Go get the door.

- Shall I answer it?

- All right?

- Hello.

- Yo.

Sam.

- Shall I go upstairs?

- Yeah.

- Okay. - Bye.

- [Joey] You all right?

- I'm all right, you?

- [Joey] Yeah.

What's going on?

- So have you got anything to say about last night?

- Sam, listen.

Last night was nothing.

I go out with my mates and we're with girls, it was nothing.

What's that?

- Everyone that we know have seen you

in the club with this girl, leave the club with the girl

and get in a car, just the two of you,

going home. - [Joey] That's a lie.

- It's not a lie.

- [Joey] Well it wasn't just two of us either.

Tom was in the front. - It's not a lie.

- Really?

It doesn't matter, it does not matter okay.

You've got guilt written--

- What are you talking about?

I haven't got guilty written on my face.

Yeah I know, fair enough. - You have.

- [Sam] I don't know why you just lie,

why don't you just tell the truth to me?

- Listen to me.

- Okay, right.

- [Joey] So what do you think happened last night?

- Okay, you went home with a girl, end of.

- No. - Yes you did.

- No I did not.

- You've got guilt written all over your face.

Don't lie to me.

- Sam, listen to me. - Don't lie to me.

Listen to me, right.

Can't you just let me speak right?

The girl last night means nothing to me.

Right you mean something to me, Sam.

You mean something to me right.

- Put yourself in my shoes right.

If you see me walking out of a club,

okay you're not holding, but what is that,

you're doing something you're holding a girls hand.

Getting in a car and then hiding.

Joey it's all wrong.

You would think exactly the same,

if not you'd be going worse than me.

- Well Sam, why'd you go about telling everyone

you're single all the time?

- Well I'm sorry but we've seen each other a few times.

We haven't sat there and had a conversation

and said are we boyfriend and girlfriend 'cause we haven't.

- Before last night did you feel like

you wanted to be with me? - But what I'm saying is--

- Did you feel like you wanted to be with me?

- I've been seeing you for the last four weeks,

you've been in my fucking house nearly every night.

How much time have we spend together?

So you're trying to tell me I don't even like you.

- No, I'm not saying that.

Sam, I love you Sam.

I love you so much.

Do you love me?

- You don't even know what love, you don't even--

- [Joey] Do you love me? - Course I love you.

I've done nothing but speak to you recently.

- You've never told me that, you've never told me that.

- Well you don't tell me it.

Apart from the other day when you're messing about

and then you're out last night doing that.

I don't even know what to say to you.

- Sam listen, I love you babe but I just don't,

I just don't feel like you love me.

- I don't know why you're trying to turn it round,

trying to make it like--

- I'm not trying to turn it round Sam.

I'm not.

For fuck sake.

- I'm just pissed off, I just need time

to think about everything.

So.

- I don't know what to say.

Sam, I want it to work babe, obviously I want it work.

I just feel like, I just, I just always get

this hint feeling that, that's it's just,

I just feel like we're both just stringing it

and it's just, I dunno.

I feel like you don't wanna be with me.

I think maybe we should just finish it now.

- Fine.

- [Joey] All right.

[upbeat jazz music]

- Cha-ching boys.

- [All] Chin chin.

- Saluto.

So is this what a gentleman's club'ss meant to be about?

Like just chilling out.

- Yeah.

- [Chris] Very prim and proper.

- What were you hoping for Chris?

- I wasn't expecting this but it is really nice.

I love it, how it's done.

- So you were expecting like maybe

a lap dancing club, weren't you?

- I'll be honest--

- Sorry to disappoint ya.

- He's like the most un-classy gentleman in the world.

- Mate I wore my best socks today.

- You wore your worst dickey bow though didn't you?

[laughing]

- I like this dickey bow, what's wrong with it?

- Does it un-tie and just like hang down it down as well?

- It's a pin on Mick.

[laughing]

Like I don't know how much like must have cost you Mick,

but I'm sure it was a fair old bomb wasn't it.

- It was a few quid, yeah.

I've been collecting all the antiques

and bits and pieces along the way.

- Don't lie, you nicked it all from Nanny Pat's house.

[laughing]

- Lyds, you're looking really pretty and different today.

- Thank you.

Well, I've decided not to where lashes tonight.

- You look so much better.

Your eyes look about 10 times bigger.

- Bit of guy candy around us,

and you can sit there and check 'em all out

with your fresh eyelashes.

- [Danielle] You can see 'em.

- I can see 'em, yeah.

I can see 'em now can't I?

- No excuse for ugly men now.

[laughing]

- Danielle.

- Saucer of cream for Danny.

[laughing]

- Are you looking for anyone?

- I am 100% looking for someone.

- What's your type?

Like, what do you like?

Do you like the tall, dark and handsome,

or do you like...

- We've all got something that floats our boat,

'ent we Dan?

And what floats my boat is I like a guy

that's got a bit of muscle, dark hair, dark eyes,

and just a tiny bit of designer stubble for me.

- Sounds a little bit like Charlie.

- Oh my God, I was just about to say.

I know Charlie's straight but that is like Charlie.

- I was gonna say, Charlie is straight.

- Charlie is a gorgeous man.

- Would you go there if he was gay?

- If he was on my bus, I'd be buying a ticket.

[laughing]

[upbeat music]

- Hey mate, you all right.

- [Arg] All right.

- Just gonna grab a drink.

[upbeat jazz music]

- What's this we're drinking then, Mick?

- This is a fine malt.

I'd just like you to try it,

'cause that's what this room's all about obviously

is fine things.

- [Charlie] Thank you very much.

Smells good.

- It burns on the way down. - Burns the chest.

- This is like living the life, Mick.

Like you've got beautiful girls around you,

sipping fine whiskey in a beautiful environment.

This is it.

- That's how I roll I'm afraid.

- [Charlie] This is the one, this is why you are the don.

- Yeah, this is how I roll.

- We see you as a bit of a smooth guy

and obviously with the girls,

like the kind of Hugh Hefner of Essex.

Everyone comes to you for advice,

so like literally we're coming to you for advice.

Like how do you get the women?

Like for me, I don't know where I'm going wrong, personally,

and I think Charlie also feels like

we should be asking you as well.

- Do you believe in the old chat up line situation?

- No, no, the chat up lines, that's cheese mate,

you don't need to do that.

- So what would you say, like if I was--

- I think you've got to compliment the girl

in what she's wearing, say how beautiful she looks,

and your friends look lovely this evening.

Start on that one.

Straight away--

- Bring the friends in, Chris.

- [Chris] Will they not feel like

you're hitting on the whole group then?

- No. The old one to one thing could be really stale

if you walk up, do your little chat up

and you're left there standing on your own.

- I like that actually.

- Bring the little crowd in.

Can't let all my little tips go here but I can let a few...

- I feel like we're stealing them.

I feel like we're stealing 'em.

- Yeah but we're in a gentleman's club

so what goes on in here, we'll just keep it quiet.

- To the gentleman's club.

- [Charlie] To the gentleman's club.

- And to women for the future.

- Yeah, for the future. And for you as well my friend.

- Thank you, yeah absolutely.

- What's happening mate?

- [Arg] Tom.

- [Tom] All right?

- Yeah.

Me and Diags had a night out the other night,

both of us drunk.

He comes up to me and goes,

"Arg I don't know how to tell you this,

"but Tom's a dog, Tom's a snake."

I was like, "Why?

"He's my mate."

And he was like, "Well he's been texting Lydia

"behind your back."

And I was like, "No, Tom kilby text Lydia behind my back?

"No way in a million years, Tom would never do that to me.

"What are you talkin' about?"

- Well, the thing is Arg, like I have text Lydia,

but friendly, nothing more than that.

I haven't been texting her saying, "Lets meet up,

"let's go dinner, let's go blah blah blah."

I haven't done that, I wouldn't do that.

But obviously you recently--

- But all I'm saying is to you Tom,

I would never in a million years

do what you have done to me.

- But I don't know if you would.

I wouldn't never in a million years think

you would go behind my sister's back

and say stuff to someone else

that you think she said that. - So you're trying to justify,

me having a little row with your sister

to you texting my ex-girlfriend.

- It's not justifying, it's not justifying anything.

- So what are you trying to say then?

- I'm trying to tell you the facts,

that is what you have done.

And yes I have been texting Lydia,

I'm not gonna lie about it. I have text Lydia.

- You know more than anyone what I went through

when I broke up with that girl don't you?

- Yeah and I know what you did to her as well mate.

- No, no, you know more than anyone what I went through.

- No, I don't know more than anyone.

- You do because I confided in you,

and I talked to you about it.

- Around the time, okay all the girls

you say you slept with as well, when'd you say that?

- What, when I was with her?

I don't understand what you're getting at.

Your trying to say, now you're turning it

from you're texting my ex-girlfriend,

we become close friends to oh

but oh you used to treat her badly.

What's that got to do with anything?

- I'm trying to tell you the facts.

- Tom you're just playing the card of

we're not that close friends

so it doesn't make you look as bad.

- What do you mean, we're not, what are you going on about?

- Have we been to meals and lunches, just you and me?

- I've done that with loadsa people.

- Have we sat around my house just planning a holiday,

you and me, to go away together?

- That's irrelevant mate.

- No it's not irrelevant.

All I'm trying to say is to my face

you've made out that you are a close friend of mine,

yet behind my back you've been texting my ex-girlfriend.

- I've been talking to your ex-girlfriend,

it's not like--

- One minute you're saying you text her in a friendly way

and then you're saying oh but now it's more than that.

- Now, yes recently, over the past week,

I'm not gonna lie to you, yeah.

- [Arg] That's fine, you carry on doing that.

- But that's why I'm here now telling you.

It's not that I've done it behind your back,

'cause I'm telling you now.

- You ain't my pal, you never will be.

I can't trust you, you are a snake.

- Why you calling me a snake for?

- Tom and all the boys,

no one wants nothing to do with you mate.

- If I'm a snake mate, then why the hell

would they be sitting in a bar telling me,

in new bar yeah, saying, "Yeah go for it mate."

- What you're telling me my friends told you

to go for it with my ex-girlfriend.

- Tom Pearce, course.

I guarantee, like I'm not here to bitch mate,

he would say it here now.

Like I love Tom Pearce, I love all the boys to bits,

but you can't tell me that I'm the snake

when all the boys do stuff like that.

[upbeat music]

- [Bobby] Chin, chin.

- [Lydia] Chin, chin.

- It's cocktail night.

- Bob, you love a cocktail don't ya.

- I do love a cocktail.

[laughs]

- [Danielle] You're so rude.

- I just wanna put it out there that I am so happy

and I'm so content with myself right now

and I'm so glad that I'm in this place.

- Yeah.

- And I'm really enjoying being single

and I'm really just enjoying being by myself,

but I have got a little bit of a secret.

- What?

- [Bobby] Who's caught your eye in Essex now?

- Well I'm kind of talking to someone,

but it's nothing like majorly serious.

It's just like...

- Who?

- Like...

- [Danielle] Who? - I can't say it, I'm sorry.

- Tell me.

- No because yous are gonna be like

where the hell has this come from?

- No I think I know where it's come from.

- Okay, you tell me then, who you think it is.

- Tom Kilbey. - [Lydia] How do you know?

- Because I'm physic.

- Shut up!

Shut up.

- I told you I'm physic.

- How did you know?

- 'Cause I know you well, you're my best friend.

- Babe, he's fit.

Let's talk.

- You know what, it's nothing like, like majorly, majorly.

But like we've known each other for ages and whatever.

Whenever we've been at places,

like it was like a little bit like,

like I don't know, I just kind of,

we just kind of had some... Like I don't know.

But anyway, right, we're talking,

there's nothing serious.

- You got that smile going on.

- I have, because I feel really happy

because he's such a nice guy.

- Chin, chin to that.

- Chin, chin.

- I feel like a big weight's been lifted from my shoulders,

I do feel relieved but if I was with her,

if I was boyfriend and girlfriend with her

I would never ever go near any girl.

- [Diags] Course, and I believe that, I know that.

- Not anyone.

- She's saying you're seeing each other,

then she's saying she's single,

then now she's saying she loves you.

You can't, what is it?

- That's what I'm saying, I'm getting mixed signals mate.

I just wanna know, I wanna say to her, what do you want?

And if she loved me and she liked me

and she have a lot of respect for me and trusts me,

she would say, "I want you."

- She didn't make it clear last time

she's not making it clear this time.

She needs to make it clear, and that was what...

You've done nothing wrong.

- James, but I'm not gonna lie mate,

I'm in love with her, I'm in love with her.

- [Diags] I know you are.

- And when I walked out the door I just felt like,

I didn't know whether to think does she actually,

actually really love me that much,

and I think she does man.

Like why would she be so annoyed about a stupid girl?

- But why would she never say it in the first place?

- I don't know, I just think, I just think...

I don't know what I think man,

I'm so confused right now.

I'm so confused.

I don't have a clue what to do James.

- You need to talk to her about it mate.

Does Sam actually make you happy?

- The way I'm around her, yeah she does make me happy.

I think we're perfect.

- Clearly not mate.

- Why do you think that?

- 'Cause, all right when you're with her

you might be happy and everything yeah,

when youre with her, but when you're away from her

and you don't know what she's doing

and you don't know what you're doing

and everything's not clear,

it messes with you badly,

you can tell, the whole time you're just thinking about it.

You can't be like that.

- I don't know if I made the wrong decision mate.

- Do you know what, I need to get my own girlfriend

and get out of everyone else's relationships

'cause this is getting ridiculous.

[sighs]

- Mate, I really hope I've done the right thing.

- Listen, I wanna know where we're gonna go from here.

Are you my mate, are you not my mate?

- It's not about that, I'm telling you the facts.

This is what's happening now.

- So what are you doing from now on then?

What are you telling me?

- I'm texting, I do like Lydia and I know she likes me,

and something might happen.

- Ain't it a bit weird for you knowing that

I'm someone you know very well and a friend of yours

and I've been sleeping with her for four years

and now you're gonna try and crack on with her.

- Of course, but it's not about that.

I don't think in my head, hang on--

- You don't think in your head like

you like my sloppy seconds sort of thing, like that.

- That's exactly why you're not with her anymore,

'cause you say stuff like that about her.

- But I'm saying to you Tom,

why would you wanna go with a girl

that's been with one of your friends?

- Because I don't, mate, that's not relevant.

I don't look at it like that mate, honestly.

- Well obviously, you know--

- I don't look at stuff like that.

You might stuff like that, and that's how you are,

but we're completely different people obviously.

- Tom, whatever mate.

Tom, we're not friends, Lydia ain't my girlfriend.

- All right, sweet.

- I don't wanna carry on talking about her.

- That's sweet mate, that's not a problem mate.

- You've made it crystal clear.

There's nothing else to talk about Tom, is there?

- All right sweet.

- The last call I have got is him saying that to me,

but that's a terrible--

- But ain't you proving him right?

[phone rings]

- [Lydia] Aw, it's Tom.

- Ooh.

- Shut up.

Answer, answer.

- Hello.

Are you all right Tom?

- All right?

Yeah I spoke to Arg.

I told him everything.

[sighs]

- [Narrator] Next time on The Only Way Is Essex.

Is there any way back for Sam and Joey?

- I think maybe we should just finish it now.

- All right fine.

- [Narrator] Will Diags ever be able to keep a secret?

- Why?

Why did you say that?

- Pissed.

- [Narrator] And who is that buff headless stranger?

Who knows, these people are real,

and anything can happen on The Only Way Is Essex.