Original subtitles

an awkward dinner party and a complete snog-fest.

The tans you see might be fake but the people are all real

although some of what they do has been set up

purely for your entertainment.

Previously on The Only Way is Essex.

- I've just met someone new.

He is the best looking man in Essex.

- I want to take you out, just me and you.

We can go wine tasting if you like.

- What?

- Jessica just irritates the life out of me, you know.

- Do you know what, even looking at her face

is irritating to me now.

- Slagging me off and slagging my mom off

and two of my very good friends.

Gemma and Argent.

- I just don't want to get involved.

- But you got yourself involved by saying,--

- That's why I'm asking you, can't you just

you say you said it.

[upbeat music]

- [Gemma] How are you?

- Good, thank you, how are you?

- Yeah, really good. - Hey, Gem.

You all right, hon? - You look cute without

your eyelashes on. - I hate not

wearing my eyelashes. - Why?

You look about 16, it's lovely.

- Because I don't have any,

people are so not used to seeing me without them

I think I look really weird without my eyelashes.

- I think it makes you look more fresh faced.

Like you're younger and that--

- You're a beautiful girl, you don't need make-up.

- When I was about eight, someone told me that if I picked

out an eyelash and made a wish, it would come true.

And then it started becoming a habit,

like subconsciously I used to do it in my sleep.

I would pick them out, make a wish

and then it become a compulsive disorder.

It's called trichomania-- - Yeah.

- People do it with their hair, their eyebrows.

- I used to see her in the middle of the night

'cause we used to share a room.

Literally, like.

And the next morning, I'd look at her like--

- My eyes were all swollen, it was horrible.

- I used to be like, you got bruised eyelids

where she was like constantly picking.

- Mom used to put like mittens on my hands, didn't she?

We tried everything.

I used to think I looked like an alien.

- No, you don't, you look beautiful.

- Yeah.

- Why don't you try another haircut,

that's a bit from our time, not always in the '60s?

You are Mr. Side Parting Martin.

- Listen, I would rather look like Robert De Niro--

- You don't though. - Then fucking Screech

from Saved By the Bell. - Look, Screech is funny,

do you know what I mean, he's a lot,

at least he has a laugh.

He's not sitting there trying to be serious blowing up cars.

- Robert De Niro's a laugh, he kills people.

- What am I going to do with my hair?

I can't do anything with it.

- Listen, the people that cut your hair usually

I wouldn't even let cut my kebab.

[laughing]

You know about the row that happened between

Cara, Billi, and Jess, yeah?

The last thing I want to do is get in the middle of it,

but I sort of have.

Cara and Billi did say that your mom was mutton dressed

as lamb and that you're baldy or something like that.

It's not funny.

I am actually scared of Billi and Cara

and as soon as I see them, I'm gonna run.

Because trust me, they're absolute nutcases.

- Don't be scared of girls.

You can't run, hide from Billi and Cara

for the rest of your life, can you?

- Trust me, I beat Billi in the marathon.

I'll beat her even if she has to chase me.

Cara on the other hand, she'll catch me up, she's quicker.

I'll have to get a cab.

- Girls, I'm really nervous.

I've told Joey I'm doing a dinner party tonight.

And literally I haven't,

like I can cook like small things,

but I haven't got a clue what to do

or what to make.

- You'll be fine. - You'll be fine.

- I'm gonna poison everyone.

- Just go with things that aren't too complicated.

- Why don't you bring your man?

Bring Rami. - Do you know what,

when you meet him, you will not believe how

stunningly good looking he is.

- Really? - I've never gone

out with someone this good looking in my whole life.

- So what, you deserve someone good looking.

- You could be engaged by the end of the year.

- Imagine?

- Oh, I would love that.

- Have you gone further with Rami then you did with Charlie?

- All I will say is that he is definitely a man.

Put it that way.

- Whoa! - Whoa!

- You done the deed! - You done the deed!

- Gemma and Rami! - Gemma and Rami!

- As far as I'm concerned, I look nice.

My kids think I look good.

And my husband thinks I look amazing.

Well I'll tell you that, he wouldn't say that.

- You look beautiful Carol, and we know--

- We know that we're muttons. - We're not muttons,

I wouldn't label us that. - I think actually we're

probably the most two stunning,

like, moms in the whole of Essex.

- Definitely. - When we walk in somewhere,

me and Carol, all the men look at us

and they might get a little bit of jealous about that.

Even Nanny Pat, not being funny.

When she walks around that pool with her bikini on,

you get men's heads turning.

[laughing]

I just, I don't know why, for the life of me,

James would've said it though.

He's like an old woman,

oh no disrespect to you, Pat.

- Well, Arg is coming around later apparently

to explain the situation to us,

why he never went to help Jessica.

Apparently, so we'll wait to see what he's got to say.

Jessica said he's got to man up.

- No one likes a weak man, do they?

- No.

- Have you been, like measured up?

- Yeah.

- Have you measured up here, Joe?

You need to know like the width, the length.

- I think it's my arms and half of me.

And then another one.

- Did you measure it with a tape?

- Measured it with this jacket.

[laughing]

- Why don't you just pin that up at home?

[laughing]

- What curtains have you got in the flat now?

- My curtains in the flat,

they've got like flowers and stuff.

- What else come with your flat?

- Sofas.

What about your flat?

- Yeah, it came with furni, like part--

- The bed as well? - Yeah.

- It's very comfortable? - Yeah.

- Really comfortable? - So comfortable.

- All right, Joe, back off.

You know she's going on a date with Tom today,

don't ya?

- Fancy him a lot?

Or do you fancy me?

- I don't even know him, do I?

It was a little bit awkward, like when he asked me.

- What was he acting like, just all like shy sort of thing?

- Shy and he kept trying to pull me in to kiss me.

- Kind of sweat there or something.

- Yeah, he had sweat beads there and there.

He was like that, do you want to go out Lauren?

- I think the date will be good,

but

it's a bitch isn't it?

[upbeat music]

- How good is this place gonna look once it's finished?

Mario? - I got distracted.

- You ask him to come round and paint your house.

I can already guess who that is.

That's obviously Diags.

- How can you tell?

- He's got craters all over his face.

Who's that one?

- That's James Arg innit?

- I'll sign it as well, if you want.

- All joking aside, they are pissing you off at the minute--

- Mate, they're fucking me right off.

I mean they bitch about me all the time.

He doesn't stop bitching about me, seriously he's such

a pussy bitch about me behind my back all the time.

If you've got a problem with me, say it to my face,

he doesn't even know me.

Get over it.

And Arg, I don't give a fuck about Arg.

Not being funny, I had to be friends with Arg

because our girlfriends were friends.

- Yeah. - I've done nothing,

all they do is bitch about me.

Like, saying about my nose.

Seriously, I could live inside one of his nostrils.

- Live up them.

They're not the only people ain't getting on.

Remember the other night at Mick's party?

I thought there was gonna be a brawl.

Jess came out in tears, I drove her home.

And, um, yeah it actually worked out good for me.

For about an hour, we just sat outside hers,

talking about stuff, like just getting on with each other

without everyone around and just having our own

sort of time, do you know what I mean?

And we ended up, you know, making out

or whatever you want to say.

- You snogged her? - Yeah.

- Got with her? For a bit.

Yeah, it was nice.

I felt like a little school kid after that.

I drove home like all smiling like yeah.

- I just can't look at their ugly mugs,

it's got to go.

Bye, Diags.

- I'll do the top it for ya.

- I'll tell you what I've heard,

I've got a kitten scratching its way out my back.

Skin on your forearm,

wonder what he's gonna say.

- So why the crown, Bobs?

- Well, you know me.

I'm kind of the gay man in Essex

and I'm the queen of hearts, Charlie.

I'm planning my next one in my head as we speak.

- Mario's got that sleeve, innit he?

And that looks nice.

- I really, really love Mario's.

- I know Ricky's got one, doesn't he?

He's got some sort of spiritual thing on his wrist.

- Has little Chris got a tattoo?

- Um, I don't actually know.

- I saw you talking to him the other night at the Sugarhut.

- He's the one I kind of really do relate with quite a lot

because he's a bit similar to me.

He's got this soft side and basically

I said that even though I'd made out with her

I've been with a lot of women actually.

I've only ever been with two women in my life, Bobs.

- Did you not feel like you could really come to me

or tell me things like that?

- No, it ain't like that man.

- I don't want you to worry about being able to talk to me

about things because of what other people might think.

- Honestly, I don't give a flying fuck what people think.

And you're my mate, whether you're gay, straight,

do you know what I mean?

Let people call me whatever they want,

if they need to label me, label me.

- You can't worry about what other people

are going to think and say all the time

because you're just getting, I think down in life.

Especially in Essex.

People are gonna talk. - I know.

- If you pick up a Granny Smith they're gonna say,

"Why you had a pink lady?"

You can't always win.

- That is true, man.

- Do you think you could ever sleep with a man?

- No. - No?

- No.

Not part of the experiences you told me.

[laughing]

No.

- I could write a book.

I went round Gem's the other day, Chaz,

and um, she was telling me all about her new man.

- Oh, she's got a new man already?

- Yeah, he's a little bit older, called Rami.

- Rami?

Well she needs a good Rami, doesn't she?

[laughing]

- So really, all we've got to do is pull Arg up

and say, you know, what was said then?

- Yeah. - He's shit stirring.

- Yeah, he's a shit stirrer.

He's a people pleaser, he keeps going around, trying to.

Do you know what he does, he tried to become better mates

with someone by telling them something.

But he don't realise at the same time

by bumming up one mate, he's losing the other.

- So you just got to tell him.

I'm a bit pissed off with Arg to be fair.

- Yeah, well you should be.

- He's meant to be your mate, you're talking to him,

and then you know he's gonna be a bit sly

and do something like that.

- And you know what, Arg is not one that wants

to start with me because I've know a lot of shit about him.

Start talking my business, I'm gonna start talking his.

- If he's causing agg for no reason, then you ain't my mate.

- Course. - I'm so upset with

him though. - Right, let's just wait

til we bump into him, light-heartedly and then attack.

- Listen, we're gonna bump into him sooner or later.

- If I was Arg right now,

I'd literally would be shitting it.

- Good.

- I don't know what, it don't good does it?

- Not really.

- Not just a little?

- You joking me? - What?

- Well usually you go curtain shopping on your own.

- You don't think they look all right

or you think they look all right?

- They're too small, they don't even

come down to the bottom. - Shut up.

We didn't notice that Einstein's just walked in.

- What's going on anyway?

- Nothing, mate, just getting ready for the date, aren't I?

- You can't go on a date with a vest on, that's disgusting.

- It's not a vest. - Last time we was out

you said you can't tell it was a vest

and everyone knew it was a vest.

- Yeah so if I turned up on a date with you,

would you be like, what the fuck is he wearing?

- I would think look at that scruffy little sod.

- You know why I done it, right?

I like the pattern on the front.

And I thought it looked good.

- The pattern is an X.

- You could hang this up and it would be

a better curtain than this would.

- No, it wouldn't.

It's so bad, look.

There's rips and everything.

- I thought I looked good.

So have you been out with Lauren this morning?

- Yeah, that's where we'd just been, with Lauren.

- Did she say anything about, about the date?

- She said that she's looking forward to it.

- Yeah? - And you're taking her

wine tasting, aren't ya?

Why did you just decide to do that for your date?

- It's like sophisticated, innit?

- Are you sure you'll be all right with her?

- No.

- You hesitated.

Are you scared of Lauren? - A little bit.

- Why are you a little bit scared?

- No, I'm not, it's just that--

- Why? - You can't act scared,

you got to be really confident.

- I'm not scared. - 'Cause you know it is

really unattractive? - What?

- People who ain't confident.

- I'm really confident, aren't I?

- You are confident. - You're so confident.

- I'm so confident, aren't I?

- Anyway, I got to go, in a rush.

Wish me luck, brother. - Good luck.

- See you later, Chloe, see ya later, yeah.

- Bye. - See ya later,

good luck, mate. - Get some new curtains.

- Don't be cringey. - Don't cringe out.

- I'm not cringing.

- She definitely won't be coming back here tonight.

- I said to Gemma, I'm gonna have to go over there

and stop it because nobody's gonna help

and I really thought you was gonna come from nowhere

and just say listen, "stop this, it's true,

"you said it girls, you might just hold your hands up."

- I felt like, I feel like you're my family

and you know when your family's there, you're blood.

You're not my blood but I feel like you are,

you might as well be.

I just thought, where were you?

- It's not a case that I was there and didn't do anything.

I wasn't there at the time.

- I don't buy that, I think you were there at the time.

- And to be honest with you,

I'm a bit scared of Cara and Billi.

- Shut up. - Don't be such a pussy

and man up Argent, you cannot be scared of girls.

Do you know how stupid you look?

- Why are you scared of them? - I'm not proper scared,

scared of them, but they are like quite,

they're quite intimidating ain't they?

- So what, they can't just go round doing things

like that to people.

A 50 year old, what are they gonna start on Nanny Pat next

and call her names?

What you gonna do when you actually see Billi and Cara now?

- Well,

I was planning on running.

- Run and hide again, are you?

- I was planning on it, yeah.

- That's pathetic. - What do you want me to do?

- I don't know, what ever you feel the need to do, Argent.

- The right thing to do is to say something, isn't it?

- Well I'm not gonna tell you to do that.

You should want to do that.

- I'm gonna have to do it.

I'm gonna have to say something, aren't I?

- I think you are.

- If I'm gonna do that, I'm gonna get insurance

on these teeth first.

[laughing]

- I was spinning round a minute ago

and trying to find it in the toilet.

And I was like, you're never gonna find it, Bobby

it's on the back of your head.

- It's for other people's enjoyment, innit?

I'm sure a lot of people see the back of your head,

won't they?

- He's hoping.

- Oi, Gemma.

- Oi, Gemma babe!

- Oh, check you two out.

- Hello, honey.

Aw, how are you?

- I'm all right, how are you, Charlie?

- Good, you? - What you been up to?

- What have we been up to, Bobs?

Right, we've got new tattoos.

- Lovely. - Yeah,

look at this bad boy.

- What does that mean? - That's an arm sign, Gem.

I thought you were quite spiritual.

- That's good.

What did you have done?

- I've had a crown, babe, on my neck.

You know me, queen of hearts.

- Oh, I love it. - Queen of hearts,

but to be fair I'm the original King,

'cause I've got a crown on my back.

Did you ever see it?

- No, never did get the opportunity to, Charlie.

- You get to see it now.

- Very nice.

You know what yous two look like?

Yous two are turning into Elton John and David Furnish.

- Shut up!

- Yous two might as well get together.

- You've always have to try

and make that innuendo, don't you?

Make me laugh.

- There's no need to get touchy, babe.

- Yeah, but you do, you do it the whole time.

But yous, you always have to try

and go down that road, don't ya?

It's ridiculous.

- Listen, I'm going to dinner party at Sam's so I won't

keep you two long, but you all right, Bob?

- Yeah, been really good, babe.

Really good, thank you, how are you?

- Really good, really good.

Obviously, I met a lovely new man.

Really masculine, really like the chemistry is there,

and it's just amazing, like, you know,

it's just, can't believe it really.

- I'm pleased for you, Gem. - Sound like Lauren Godger.

Yeah, that's cool, I'm pleased for ya.

- Thanks Charlie, thank you.

- I do wish you the best.

- And yous two are spending a lot of time together,

so that's nice.

- You know what, I like to surround myself with

genuinely nice people you know so,

I'm having a good time. - What, you saying

I'm not genuine or nice?

- Let's just say I choose my company wisely.

- Brilliant.

Onwards and upwards, baby.

You have a lovely cup of tea or whatever you're doing--

- Frothy coffee. - Have your frothy coffee,

and you rub some Vaseline in them tattoos.

- I need to lube my tattoo up, it's so dry, Gem.

- I'll do it for you, mate.

- He'll do it for you.

But lots of love, all right.

Stay spiritual, Charlie.

- Bye, Gem.

Awkward.

- Mate.

- Have you ever had sex during music?

- Sexy music?

My girlfriend at uni used to do it.

- Did she? - I found it so hard.

- What do you mean?

- You don't know what I mean?

You just having sex and then the tempo changes

and you're like oh,

and then it'll change again and you're like,

oh, all right, here we go.

What's happening with, uh-- - With what?

- Texting. - Texting what?

- You know who.

- I know who what? - You know who what who.

- Who what who? - You know who.

- It's all right, you know, you know, a bit cas.

Don't want to jinx anything.

- How is it going? - It's going good, man.

It's a bit. - It's a bit, leave it.

- Yeah, she's cool, I like her.

What do you think?

- Um--

- I can't say anything.

- You can't say anything 'cause you can't--

- I can't say nothing, nothing I can't.

- It's awkward though, innit? - So awkward.

- It's an awkward situation.

- What about Arg, he's literally causing storms

all over the place, starting with your sister.

- I know, mate.

Absolute shit stirrer innit he.

I know, my sister is literally going for him, man.

[upbeat dance music]

- I'm making starters, dessert.

- What starters you making?

- Pardon?

- Billie's the one making starters.

- I'm making the starters.

- You can't even, you can't even cook, Sam.

- Well, why don't you come and do it?

Why don't you hold the whole thing?

- I'll happily come do it.

- Why don't you host the whole party?

- I will, I will.

Stop getting the hump.

- Yeah, because all you're doing is judging.

Can't you just let me get on with it

and if it's not that nice.

- Anything I say. - I'll take, listen,

I'll take your criticism, once you've eaten the food.

- You're annoyed.

- Yeah, because you're just being an ungrateful dickhead.

Well because I'm making a dinner party for six people

and you're just sitting there going,

"You can't cook, you can't cook."

- Calm down and cook just like, roll your pastry.

Just do what you're doing.

- Did you know that strawberries

are a natural teeth whitener?

- Are they? - Yeah.

So, like if you get that and go.

On your teeth, they whiten your teeth.

- Do you want some, Sam?

- No.

- I'm gonna un-invite you in a minute.

- I don't understand why Jess and Ricky are coming.

Because it's weird, innit?

- Because Jess is my friend.

- Yeah, so don't you think that's gonna be a bit awkward,

like, you and Ricky at the table

and he was like sexting, was it sexting?

- Yeah, Ricky and Gem were sexting.

And she's got a new man now.

- I want him to feel welcome,

not like everyone's got atmosphere at the table.

- I'm like that, I'll make him feel welcome.

I'm just saying.

- Yeah, but what I'm saying is

that Gemma and Jess are my really good friends.

They're coming with their dates.

So if there was a massive issue,

they wouldn't come would they?

- I know that. - The only person that's

got an issue is you. - I know that, Sam.

I'm just saying, stop getting the hump.

[uplifting music]

- All right, guys, welcome to um, Newhawk Vineyards.

One of the oldest vineyards in Essex.

- Really?

Is it true they say the older the wine, the better the body?

- It can be, yes.

- Is that true just with wine or is it?

- It's true of some other people too.

[laughing]

You can uh, do a quick tour around the vineyard

and then you can come and have a tasting.

- Do we have to spit it out or can we swallow it?

- You don't have to spit it out.

You can swallow it.

- What are you gonna do?

- Do you think he's being disgusting?

- I think he is. - What are you talking about?

- You're embarrassing poor Darren here.

Shush.

What, we have to follow this?

- Yes.

You just follow the numbers and it's a history

about the, the vineyard and the Greenwood Family.

- It's like you're on a school trip.

- I know. - Did you do this last week

at school? - Shut up!

What are you, the teacher?

- So I'll see you guys later in the winery for a tasting.

- Okay, buddy.

Don't you think it's romantic?

- I just don't think I'm wearing the right clothes.

- You look nice anyway. - Thank you.

I thought I'd make a bit of an effort.

Is that a vest? - No.

- Why are you wearing a vest?

Let me see.

- It's a vest. - You're practically

showing all your side boob.

It's a bit forward on a first date.

- Got to show a bit of flesh don't ya?

- Let's see it.

Oh my God.

- Is that a bad thing?

- It's nice though.

At least you got the body to pull it off.

- Think?

I won't be taking it off unless you get cold.

- Yeah, I'm freezing,

can I wear your jacket?

[laughing]

- If you give me a kiss, you can.

- I never kiss guys on first dates, ever.

- What, not even at the end?

- Which way we've got to go?

- No, I'll tell you what.

We'll sack this off,

and we go taste some wine, yeah?

Do you want a piggyback?

Come on. - Ready?

- Let's go baby.

- That's better.

- It's so romantic innit?

- So romantic.

- I can feel your bum as well, look.

- Don't feel my bum.

- Not very heavy, are ya?

- Well, good.

- I thought the boobs would weigh you down a bit.

- They're not that heavy.

[laughing]

- Look at us all sophisticated, having a dinner party.

- I know, I can't believe it's my first one.

Looking forward to it.

Right, so yous got cabs tonight?

- Yeah. - So you're drinking, yeah?

- What do you mean cabs? - Yeah, I'll be drinking.

- You're here, but no they got cabs so we can drink.

- I'm so bad. - In other words,

let's all get drunk. - Yeah, wanna get drunk?

- Yeah. - Let's get drinks,

come on, Jess.

- You all right?

- What's happening, you all right?

- Yeah, I'm all right. - Yeah, good, good.

I'm glad you're all right. - Yeah, you all right?

- Yeah, I've been sweet, I've been all right, mate.

- That's good.

- Are them two all right in there?

- I know they're in there on their own as well.

- Was talking to Joey earlier and he said,

I said, "are you all right?"

and he was like, "yeah, yeah, sweet."

But he was getting all funny about it.

Oh look, they're talking about it in there.

- Obviously me and you've like,

never seen eye to eye but like,

at the end of the day like, I'm seeing,

I'm seeing Sam, you're seeing Jess, right,

we're at Sam's like tonight do you know what I mean.

- Yeah. - We might as well get--

- We're all right though. - Get on tonight.

- Ain't we? - Yeah, yeah, sweet.

- We're all right? - Yeah, sweet mate.

- Yeah, good, I'm glad we're all right.

- That's good.

- Hello boys.

- Hello. - Here you go.

[knocking]

- That must be them.

- Rami!

- Rami! - Stop it!

Can't say that every time you call his name.

- Come in.

- Hello. - Rami!

- This is Rami.

- Rami!

[laughing]

- What's happening, Rami?

- This wine typically you would be getting elder flowers,

green apples-- - What do you think

it smells like, Lauren?

- A bit like sick.

[laughing]

- Shall we taste it, yet?

- When you taste it, you hold the wine in your mouth

and you essentially, you suck air in through it.

- I've got a numb tongue now.

Ew!

You just got it all over the barrel.

- Sorry. - Good shot.

- Good luck you didn't spit it in Darren's face.

- I've got some of it in there.

- Did you get any flavours?

- I don't know, it's weird.

Like, strawberry fizzy laces.

It makes you look like you want to kiss someone

when you look like that.

- Shall I leave you two to carry on with the tasting?

- Thanks, Darren, cheers mate. - Thank you.

- What's that one with the closed lid?

- What, do you want to open that one?

- Yeah, all right.

Ready? - Don't do it near me.

Do it that way.

- No, I know, I'll just do it, this way.

- Oh, well done!

I thought that was gonna go everywhere!

You're quite the connoisseur aren't you?

- Been around the block.

- I don't think we really know much about

wines and stuff. - I don't really.

I just sort of make it up as I go along.

That's not too young for you is it?

- What 21? - Do you think?

- Yeah, I thought it might be a little bit.

- You thought it might be? - But you kinda done all right

tonight to be fair.

- Yeah?

What you're like, ready to settle down

and have kids and stuff like that?

- Well soon I will be, yeah.

- Me too. - As if you would,

you liar! - Well, I would.

- You're still flirting about everywhere.

- I'm not. - Yeah you are.

- How am I? - Have you spoken

to Lauren lately? - I did see her at her place

the other night and she was like,

"come over to my table."

and all stuff like this.

- What, like trying it on with you?

- No.

She was really drunk, so I reckon,

I reckon if I wanted to I probably could've kissed her.

- You're such a bighead. - I'm not saying it like that,

but I just think I probably could.

- Then why didn't ya?

- 'Cause I wanted to take you out.

And it would probably ruin it.

- Yeah it would've to be fair.

- I always heard from the start you were more my type.

- Literally, as I took a sip of my drink,

he comes through the doors, our eyes met.

Boom, that was it.

- Love at first sight!

- I don't know about that, but I was like,

he came up and he goes to me,

- Hello, baby.

So how long have you been together?

- Um, we, we ain't together at the moment.

- We was together, we was together about a year ago.

We broke up, then recently we just

started seeing each other again.

- And how is it going? - Good.

- Good. - Yeah, it's all right.

- Ricky, so how long have you two been together?

- Well, we're sort of like in our first stages--

- This is like our first date. - Yeah, sort of, yeah.

- This is your first date? - Pretty much.

- Any boom, boom, anything?

[laughing]

- No! - Not yet.

- Definitely not.

- What do you mean definitely not?

- Well there's been no boom, boom.

- I know, but not definitely not.

It would just be no, no boom boom.

- All right then, no there has not been no boom boom.

- No there hasn't been any yet, but we're getting there.

- Oh are we?

- Yous two need to snog properly first.

- Why don't yous two kiss on your first date?

- No! - Why not?

Ricky's game. - Why does everyone

want us to snog?

- Kiss!

- Good. - Thank you, Rami.

- We're like children, ain't we.

Kiss, kiss!

- I've decided I'm gonna have the smart laser lypo.

- Oh, are you? - Yeah, I'm gonna have it.

- No way, I wanna watch.

- What? - See what happens.

- You ain't watching.

- I don't wanna be like your fat mate

if you're gonna be doing this and like looking skinny

and leave me like a beached whale.

- I'm not gonna look skinny.

I'm just not gonna have the bikini on

with like the muffin top.

I'm gonna have the muffin top no more.

- Girls.

- How did you even know we're here.

- Saw it on Twitter.

You tweeted about it so I sort of

followed you down here.

Got to sort this out, ain't we?

- Yeah, you're right, we do.

- This looks absolutely naughty.

- Can you cook, Rami?

- Yes, not a great cook, but.

- Yeah. - Have you been round, Gem?

- Yeah, I cooked Rami dinner, didn't I?

- Oh, yes. - No toad in the hole

or nothing like that?

- Toad in the hole?

You don't know what toad in the hole means.

- Oh, he does.

- I was laughing but I didn't even know what--

- It's basically like a sausage in like a, a

- In a hole.

- Ricky just thinks he's funny, he's not.

- I marinated the mince.

And then he just loved it.

He was like, oh my God, he was kissing me so much,

so appreciative of this good food I had made him.

- So did you have a dessert?

- These two are like, all they want to know

about these two, is their sex life.

- Just wondering if they had dessert, that was all.

- Drop it! - All right!

- You're so disgusting, Ricky.

Stop it, right now.

- Wow.

- Where did you grow up?

- I grew up in Israel.

- Were you in Israel, yeah?

So is every single person in Israel actually Jewish?

- No, that's what people think.

You've got Arab, you've got Christian, I'm Arab.

- You know what guys, I thought it was

gonna be really awkward tonight.

Do you know what I mean, like obviously

I'm sitting next to the girl I'm seeing.

The girl I got off with.

The boy I had a fight with.

Whose sitting next to the girl who were sexting.

But it ain't.

It's nice.

It's true though, innit?

- Joey, it's really inappropriate.

Thanks for pointing it out Jo. - Let's be real.

Who thought it was gonna be awkward tonight?

- Not at all 'cause at the end of the day,

we're mates and that's it.

- Are you happy?

- Yeah. - Anyway, to new beginnings!

- New beginnings!

- Do you want to talk to me about it or?

- We've got nothing to say about it, you have.

You're the one with a mouth that wants to talk about it.

- You're the one that's stalked us to come down here.

Say what you got to say. - Look, right at the end

of the day I'm not saying that you two are like,

in the, completely in the wrong

and they're completely in the right,

but both of you said Carol was mutton dressed as lamb--

- When have I said that? - And you said that, uh

you said something about Jessica being bald and balding.

- Right, we've both said that?

- Yeah. - So you're a,

so basically you're a grass.

You're a grass. - All right, at the end

of the day, all right, you can call me a grass,

you can call me what you want.

At the end of the day, you two know

Jess and Carol are like family to me, if--

- Oh are they?

- Look, you two slag off Carol and Jess

and be bitches all you want, but at the end of the day

say it to their faces you know what I mean?

I'm their family, so I'm gonna tell them.

- Oh, you're family? - No, you ain't.

Listen, I didn't say to them,

"Oh Cara and Billi have said this, blah,"

I said to them, "Look Cara"--

- Uh, yeah you did.

Yeah you did.

- You talk shit.

I've never been in the same shop.

I've never been in the, what are you going on about?

First things first, no, no, no.

- If I repeated every word that you've said about people,

that you've told me and her,

you would not have one mate around here.

You're lucky! - Listen, if I was to bitch

about someone, I'd say it to their face.

- Me and Cara have stayed your mates.

You are lucky.

And do you know what, I've got no interest in being

friends with you no more and not a lot of people haven't.

I defend you a lot.

- You used to be a really lovable nice guy.

And now you've changed.

- If I've got something to say, I'll say it to their face.

And all I got to say to you is I don't like ya,

so go away, we won't be mates again, so see you later.

- Listen, that's fine-- - Bye!

- Don't talk to me like that. - See you later.

Go away! - Why should I go away?

You two laugh it off, but you two are coming across

like the bitches, not me.

Ta, see you later.

- Ugh, whatever.

- Is he for real?

- He wants to start talking people's business,

I'll tell people a few little home truths about him.

- You two.

You're all over each other.

- Just get a room!

- It's just lovely having that chemistry there with someone,

do you know what I mean?

It's all about the boom boom.

When the passion's good, it's good.

You can't deny it.

- You seem to have a real connection.

- And it's been like, everyday

boom boom.

- Good for you.

- Do you know what, I thought it was

gonna be a little bit awkward.

You know, the thing is, the only little bit of awkwardness

is that Gemma and that. - Oh, mate, I know.

- I mean Rami was all like, boom, boom.

- Shh, mate shut up.

They can hear ya.

But mate, I know, I know, I know, I know.

It was a bit heavy, weren't it?

- Innit, I'm trying to eat my beef pie mate

and all I keep thinking about is her beef curtains.

- Beef curtains, what are you saying?

- So have you had a good time, yeah?

- Yeah, I have to be fair.

- Yeah? - You've done well.

- I have done well.

You look really pretty today. - Thank you.

- So you gonna come out on another date with me?

- You have to ask me first.

- I thought I just did.

- Was that you asking me? - M-hm.

- I will, if you keep up to this standard, I will.

- All right, so I got to top this every time.

- You don't have to top it,

just have to keep up this standard.

- Right, I'll do my best.

Am I allowed a kiss at the end of this?

- I'm a little bit drunk anyway so.

You totally broke my rule now.

- Where's all the rest of the boys tonight?

- Um, Tom's out on a date with Lauren, innit he?

- Is he?

- Lauren Pope? - Us three think Lauren Pope

fancy you.

- Nah, I set them up.

They're going out ain't they.

- Aw. - You all right, baby?

Oh, so cute aren't ya?

- Where's Arg and that?

I'm really like, disgusted with him actually.

He asked me the other night, would I take him home um

after we was out and do something to him,

but don't tell anyone. - Do something to him?

- He basically asked me to give him a BJ.

- When? - What?

[laughing]

- I would not ever cheat on you.

I would not disrespect you in any way.

I was horrified, right, and another thing he said to me,

he went, "If you were four stone lighter,

"you could be my girlfriend."

- What a prick.

- And then he said to me, "I will kiss you,

"if you lose two stone by Marbella"--

- But nothing for a blowie?

- What a prick.

[laughing]

- Did he know I'm with you?

- He didn't know that then.

I swear on my life,

I will not do a thing with Arg.

- You got to tell him, you got to let him know.

- You got to let him know next time,

well not the next time, but as soon as

"Oh I'm with Rami now."

- What do you think?

- Don't worry baby, you're my girl now.

- [Narrator] Next time on The Only Way is Essex.

Is this a taste of things to come from Lauren and Tom P?

- Do we have to spit it out or can we swallow?

- [Narrator] Will all the sex talk ever make Gemma blush?

- Gemma and Rami, Gemma and Rami!

- [Narrator] And will things be all right

between Ricky and Joey?

- All right? - All right.

- Yeah, I'm all right.

- I'm glad you're all right. - Yeah.

You all right? - Yeah, sweet, all right mate.

- That's good.

- [Narrator] Who knows?

These people are real

and anything can happen on The Only Way is Essex.