Original subtitles

a gossip outed and a cat fight in Vegas.

The tans you see might be fake,

but the people are all real,

although some of what they do has been set up

purely for your entertainment.

Previously on The Only Way Is Essex.

- You're not a slag, you're not a slut

and you don't sleep around.

- Don't talk about Lydia like that.

You know that she's not like that.

- Let me take you out.

- There's my house!

- I think we should stop seein' each other.

- Okay.

- You asked me for my help.

- Because I wasn't Essex enough.

Because I wasn't swag enough.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- I feel a bit bad that I didn't get Mick anything

for his birthday.

- Well you can just pretend you've gone halves

with me 'cause mine was very expensive.

- Thanks, pops, I owe you one.

- Splashed out!

Do you know that he's totally living in a caravan right now?

- I know I heard that, I can't imagine Mick in a caravan.

- I know on his birthday as well,

it's a bit of a shitter innit.

- [Chloe] I'd hate to live in a caravan.

Imagine if you woke up

and someone had nicked you.

Like, just like.

- Nicked you?

- Attached you to their car

and like moved your house with you in it.

- What are you gonna wear tonight?

- It's Vegas theme isn't it?

Mick's probably just like done that

'cause he wants all the girls to get their tits out,

lets face it.

- [Lauren P] Yeah Vegas is pretty much all about tits.

- [Chloe] Is Tom gonna be there tonight?

- I guess so.

I haven't spoke to him today

but I'm assumin'.

Get the odd picture now and then.

- Oh god.

What kind of picture, rude ones?

- It's mainly like him posing

and then asking if he looks sexy.

- [Chloe] Oh, that's so cringey.

- I know.

- I might be sick in like Mick's present [retches].

[girls laughing]

- You'll go as Hugh Hefner

and you'll be his playboy bunny.

- Oh God, is he in Vegas?

- Yeah, well, he had like Playboy Mansion didn't he?

And you could wear that.

- [Joey] Yeah, I should do it.

- That'll be perfect.

- You can hop along next to me.

- What's the plan today then?

What's goin' on?

- I'm goin' to meet Arg quickly

'cause he wants to go watch shopping.

- Watch? - He wants

to go watch shopping?

- Yeah, but he's obviously tight

and he ain't gonna buy a nice watch.

- Don't be so nasty.

- But you goin' [mumbles].

- [Sam] Yeah, I'm goin' there on 10.

- Who ya goin' with?

- Gemma, Lucy, and Billie.

- [Joey] Are ya?

- [Sam] Yeah.

- You can't even pole dance.

- What?

That's the whole point in having lessons.

I'm not doing it like.

- [Joey] Yeah, but you don't have the lessons,

you're doin' it to get fit,

why not go down the gym or like.

- Because it's fun.

Do you not think gym's boring.

Why are you gettin' the hump,

are you gettin' jealous?

- I'm not, I'm not gettin' jealous.

- You definitely are, he definitely doesn't want me

to do it.

- I'm not.

- It should be like, oh, it'd be fun,

have fun, babe, blah, blah, blah.

- Yeah, go have fun, I don't care.

[people groaning]

- Yeah, I wanted to ask you something.

I need some, like, I need some girl advice.

Like from someone like a woman.

- Yeah.

- I'm gonna, I don't really know what to do

about the whole Lauren Pope thing

'cause some people are tellin' me just play it cool

and just don't go and ask her out

and some people are saying no, go ask her out.

- If you see her tonight at the party.

Have a few drinks, go up to her and ask her out.

- Yeah, I will.

- Guarantee she won't say no. - Why are you guaranteein' it?

- Especially lookin' like this.

What? - Why are you guaranteein' it?

- 'Cause you'll be Elvis, everyone'll have a drink.

- So if she does say no,

then you gotta find me another date.

- Okay. - Deal?

- Deal.

[all laughing]

[upbeat music]

- So how you feelin' now Joan?

You look better in yourself.

- Yeah but it was unbelievable.

I had severe pancreatitis,

and also I had my gall bladder removed.

- It was bad Mum, you nearly did die.

- It was bad, like I thought it was totally my moment

because I was seeing dead people.

- Joan no.

- Yeah. Well the first thing I see a gorilla first of all.

- Oh, Joan.

- Mum I think that was all the drugs you was on.

- And then after that, I was just seeing corpse like.

- So she thought it was her calling,

'cause she was seeing the dead bodies.

- They was just coming to me after the other,

but the first one had a fag in his mouth,

he was dressed up in tartan

and I think he's probably Scottish.

- Gotta be.

- They've come to like ease me over

to the other side, you know,

they've come to like take me sorta thing.

- Yeah 'cause that's what they do, don't they, the spirits.

- [Joan] Well that's it.

- They come and take ya.

- To be honest though mum, you're out of hospital now,

you're in your garden, you know,

where you wanna be so.

- I just so missed this garden.

- Did you?

- 'Cause I haven't done it for a month.

Everything just needs like lots of love and care.

- Talking about love, I have met a hot new man.

- Tell me more.

- I was invited out down The King Will the other week

and I was like, oh I just don't fancy this one bit.

But I had like this feeling in my stomach,

it was gonna be a life changing experience,

and then through the doors this guy came through

and he came straight up to me.

He's like really nice, he's like

"I don't like skinny girls".

Do you know what I mean?

And basically, I've been out with 'im every night since.

- It's fate.

- Well, you never know.

- What is he with that voice then?

- Half Arab.

- What a lovely generation!

I love them.

- [laughs] Generation?

It's a culture!

- Is it not generation?

- They're not a generation, they're like a race.

- It's a race.

- Oh, but I love 'em!

- Yeah he's sort of half Arab but Jewish,

but he's lived in Chigwell for years.

- Gotta say though Gem,

you are looking a million dollars.

You're amazing, doesn't she Joan?

- [Joan] Yeah you look a lot happier.

- Oh thank you.

I am a lot happier, it's just made me realise

that the Charlie thing was so wrong.

- These things are sent to try us,

and do you know what like you say,

you've kind of moved on now.

- I've definitely moved on, big time.

[upbeat music]

- Hi ladies!

- [Chloe And Lauren] Hi!

- Happy birthday!

- [Mick] This is a surprise.

- Happy birthday!

- Thank you, thank you.

You alright?

- [Lauren P] Yeah good, you?

- You ain't supposed to knocking

when the caravan's rocking you know.

- Are you being rude Mick?

- No wishful thinking.

- Birthday sex?

- Is that what you come here for?

- Surprise! [girls laughing]

- You alright?

- Yeah good.

Got you a little present,

maybe you can rock around the caravan.

- Really?

Thanks very much.

- Maybe people won't come knocking.

- Oh it's an apron.

Beautiful.

- It's a special apron.

- Yeah, it's like a really manly one isn't it?

- Just like you Mick. - Like blue and white stripes.

Oh for fucks sake [laughs].

What's that?

- [Lauren P] You can blow 'em up

to whatever cup size you want!

- [Mick] Really?

- [Lauren P] Oh it really suits you Mick!

- Have you done any entertaining in your new home?

- What sort of entertaining are you referring to Chloe?

[Lauren laughing]

- Every time I speak you act like I'm rude!

I'm just sayin' like, casually?

- No I haven't no, I've only been here a couple of nights.

- How long gotta be in here for then?

- About five months, five or six months.

- Are they expensive?

- Yeah a few quid.

- [Chloe] Did you have to buy this special?

- Yeah, well the insurance I think'll pay

for it eventually, but it's 36 grand it was.

[LP gasps]

So I haven't really had a chance.

- But wouldn't it be funny if

like you met a new bird and like you brought her back here

and like she drove in the entrance of the manor,

and then like you rolled in,

and then you're like come on then,

do you want a cup of tea sweetheart?

[all laughing]

- I'm actually nervous about this?

- Mate, this is a good thing.

Like, obviously I've never had a chest wax before

'cause I'm not hairy at all.

Like I was blessed.

- Touch it.

- I don't wanna touch it.

- [Little Chris] Touch it.

- I really don't wanna touch it.

- Touch it before it gets removed.

- No, I'm good.

Seriously, I'm really good, seriously, I'm fine.

- Mate, I can actually feel the heat off

that machine where that wax is.

- [Mario] Ah, stop being such a wimp.

- A wimp?

You're not just about to have your chest waxed.

- [Esthetician] Okay, so are you ready?

- As ready as I'll ever be.

- [Esthetician] If you can just lay down for me.

- Yeah, okay.

- I just need you to tuck this towel in your trousers

just to protect your clothes.

- Okay.

- [Esthetician] You can just tuck that in for me.

- Feel free to put a hand in if you need.

[Mario snorts]

- I apologise for him.

- [Little Chris] What part's gonna hurt the most

because I obviously, I just wanna be fully aware of

what's happening.

- [Esthetician] Probably just like the flabbier areas.

- So the whole thing.

- The whole thing's gonna kill him them.

- Maz, Maz, hold my hand.

- I'm not holdin' your hand.

Fuck off, you're such a wimp.

- Oh my fucking God! - As if that hurt.

- Fuck!

- [Mario] As if that hurt.

- [mumbles] well, let's do one strip at a time.

- It is one strip at a time.

[Little Chris groans]

- [Little Chris] God.

- I've gotta go to Mick's party tonight

and it's the first time I'm gonna bump into

like Arg and Diags and that since everything has happened.

Like, Arg I've sort of sorted thing out.

I haven't got a problem with Arg.

I don't really care about seein' Arg.

Diags, I don't give a shit.

He's one of the ugliest people in this country

and he's takin' the piss outta me.

My nose.

I'd sooner have my nose than have anything

that he's got, any feature.

[Little Chris groans]

- Oh God.

- You look well.

- Yeah?

If you saw this coming towards you,

what would you say?

- Fuck, run! [Esthetician groans]

- Uh?

- Yeah.

- [Little Chris] Cheers.

- I think she's going to go a little bit lower.

- It runs out.

- Why does it run out?

- Do you not keep it all clean down there?

- You shaved your pubes? - Yeah.

- You've shaved your pubes.

- This is a sensitive subject,

just put earmuffs on [mumbles].

- You've shaved your pubes?

I trim my pubes, I don't shave them off completely.

- [Little Chris] Yeah but.

- Now you've taken the form of like a five year old boy.

An overweight five year old

but why have you done that?

- Just like the look.

Oh my god.

- I can't believe when we got to the airport,

her luggage, 12 kg overweight.

- Kg?

- Is that what it's called?

- No, it's called kilogrammes?

- [Billi] Yeah, but that's short for it.

- Kg.

- Do you know how much you're allowed?

You're allowed like 30 and you was like.

- No, actually you're allowed 20.

- 15. - And I had.

- Oh, 20? - You was 12 over.

- Yeah, I had 32.

- We only went for five days.

- Yeah, well, I had a lot of.

I have big clothes.

[Billi laughs]

- Oh, I so enjoyed it.

I can't wait to go on holiday again.

- Summer.

It's gonna be so much better in the summer

when it starts gettin' hotter,

everyone's like single.

Girls hittin' the beach.

- Single. - Ah, single,

tell me about it.

- I know.

A lot of people are single now, aren't they?

- Yeah, I know.

Everyone is, everyone's single for the summer, isn't they?

- Yeah. - I know.

- Well, that's how us girls are.

- Yeah.

- Obvs, obvs. - Obvs?

- Oh my God, how fit is Tom Pierce?

- He is rather lovely and I was a bit like.

- He has got the nicest eyes I've ever seen.

- [Frankie] He has, hasn't he?

- Oh, you sound like you got the hots for him and all.

- Billi.

- You might as well go on a date with him,

been out on a date with Joey.

- Yeah, go on.

- Mick. - Yeah.

- Ricky.

- Ricky.

Aw what is going on with Ricky?

- What, Ricky and Jess?

- Yeah.

- Well I haven't got a clue.

All I know is Jess has got another fella.

And she's still seeing. - Has she?

- [Billi] What do you mean has she?

- Apparently yeah.

- To tell you the truth, with Jessica and stuff,

I've just, I dunno what's gone on between us lot,

there's loads of little things that have gone on.

- That whole thing that started with Jess was

because of me really, weren't it?

She basically at the Sex and the City party, that long ago.

- Yeah.

- Saying that me and a few of the other girls

at the bar with Ricky are desperate.

Then the next minute she's sayin' oh,

Ricky's texting me blah blah blah blah blah.

And then the next minute she's standing,

she's like snogging his face off.

- If anyone's desperate it's her, like you know, doing that.

- Course.

- But do you know what Frank?

To top it all off, after the marathon party,

everybody's there, everybody was like well done girls,

everyone was so pleased.

- Every single person that was at that party come over

and congratulated us except for Jess and Carol.

- Why?

- Basically that just shows

that there is a problem with Jess and with Carol.

- There is a big problem.

I just feel like Jessica just irritates the life out

of me now.

- Do you know what, even looking

at her face is irritating me now.

No it honestly is getting to that point

where her face is irritating me.

- Every time we're out it's always dirty looks

being thrown here, there, everywhere.

- [Cara] Every single time that I see her.

- You feel the atmosphere.

- Yeah course I do.

- So she obviously knows there's atmosphere

'cause she's the one who creates it.

- Exactly.

- But I'm not just gonna let her stand there

and keep giving me dirty looks, do you know what I mean?

I wouldn't go out my way to pull her in it,

but if she comes over and wants a row, then bring it on.

That's all I'm sayin'.

[upbeat music]

- [All] No way!

- [Lucy] Are you kidding me?

- We like the fireman!

I would rather pay someone to dance

for my man than have to go through this.

This is ridiculous.

- Okay take yourselves a break now,

there's water there and I'll see you in a while okay.

- Thank you!

- [Instructor] You're welcome.

- [Sam] I'm like, really out of breath.

- That was exhausting, my arms are freaking killing me.

- Oh me too.

- Look at my wrists.

- I think yous three are like feathers

and I'm like the big goose goin' round the pole.

- [All] No.

- Do you know what, I think you look really sexy.

Do you know what I think you've got

that I 'aven't, you've got like the confidence

to be all sexy, I can't do that.

- Also you're really, what do you call it, elastic, supple.

- Supple yeah.

- Flexible!

- Flexible, yeah!

- I think we should keep all this up

for our Marbella bodies.

- [Sam] You could do this for Mario.

- [All] Yeah.

- Shut up!

- Would he like it?

- I think he'd rather me doing

like a spinning class or ballet.

- Ballet?

- But like, he likes me being you know like, princess.

- Stripper princess.

- No I think he'd just like to think,

like, a girl should be the way a girl should be.

- Every bloke goes lap dancing clubs,

I don't care what you say, they secretly go.

When they tell you, "I'm late at work",

but they're not,

they're at a lap dancing club.

Honestly, I've just met someone new.

- Who?

- He's really lovely.

I know Mario's good looking,

Joey's good looking, your boyfriend's good looking.

He us undoubtedly the best looking man in Essex.

I would give you all a run for your money,

I've cleaned up girls.

- [All] I've cleaned up!

- I have cleaned up.

- [Billie] Gemma's gone to town with this one.

- Wait till you see 'im.

How you getting' on with Joey?

- Yeah good.

I stayed at his last night,

- And?

- Things are goin' nicely

but I'm kind of enjoyin' being single.

I don't wanna label it as boyfriend and girlfriend.

Do you know what I mean?

- Okay, girls, back to your poles.

Let's go back to [mumbles].

- Round two.

- In your day, did you know about,

you know, the tanning, we have spray tans

and fake nails.

- No, if we wanted to do anything,

we used to mix up this though

and mix it on legs as if they were stark tights.

- You are joking me.

- We did! - Are you actually

joking me? - We did.

Only thing was, if you went out in the rain,

it'd all run.

- That's what I mean.

You could recycle it the next day

and use it for gravy.

- What did you get after all?

- Well I got some dressed for going out

but I also got my outfit for tonight.

- All right, good.

- So, I'm gonna be a bride on her hen do in Vegas

'cause you know how in Vegas,

everyone goes there in like big hen dos?

- Yeah, yeah.

- And the bride has to dress up in like a sort

of sexy weddin' dress

so I've got this little tutu-y number.

I've got something else that you probably

wouldn't approve of nan but you know on hen dos,

they've always got to have something naughty?

- [Nanny Pat] Yeah, definitely.

- I've found these straws.

- Oh stop it, Jess.

Oh you are naughty, shut, oh my God.

- Are you telling me you wouldn't be puttin'

that in your shandy tonight?

- No I won't!

[Jess laughs]

Can that come off?

- Pick it up, we can't be losing that.

[upbeat music]

- Flash, that's flash.

- I run the marathon and I said to myself,

I'm gonna treat myself.

- To a watch. - To a brand new watch

and go a little bit more expensive.

- [Joey] What colour do you want?

- I don't care about the colours.

I'm more worried about the price.

- [Joey] Gold's the obviously, rose gold is more expensive.

- [Arg] Yeah.

- Don't have a clue what that means.

- You've actually got a good knowledge on something.

- I haven't.

- I've found something you're good at.

- I don't know if I'm well clever here.

Well good.

The only reason I get watches

is 'cause you don't lose money on it.

If you get a car.

- Tell me the truth, how much is your watch collection?

- About 75 grand.

- Fuckin' hell.

What watch has Mario got?

- It was that, but [mumbles] I think.

It was, that's what it was.

- So Mario's got that watch but a fake.

- I don't know if it's definitely fake.

Could be real, couldn't it.

But I don't know I heard it was fake

and he told me, he told a few people it was real.

- I'm not sayin' he lies

but just sometimes you just see treacles of bullshit

comin' out of his mouth.

- I've seen it, I've seen it.

- Have you seen it?

- [Joey] Yeah!

- All I'm sayin' is, if I buy this watch,

the real version. - The real version.

- That is basically.

- But then again. - That is literally

topping the topper. - Yeah, yeah,

that's proper topping

but remember, like, at the end of the day,

you could put like a Casio 50 pound watch

and it'll still top him so.

- Let's forget about Mario, you know,

I'm sick of talking about him.

- Listen, right.

- What I wanna know is now,

what is goin' on with you and Samantha?

- She slept round my house last night.

Nothing's goin' on, we're just sort of seeing each other

and that's about it.

- When you say slept round your house,

have you been sleeping together?

- No, no, no, no, just, just sleep in the bed

with each other.

- But not actually?

- No, not sleeping. - Crash, bang, wallop.

- No, none of that boom boom, no.

- Jimmy!

- [Jimmy] Hey there Arg.

- Good to see you mate. - Yeah, how's it goin'?

- If I spend 14 grand on a watch.

- [Jimmy] Yep, go on.

- Will you let me. - Borrow it?

- Have a little trial night.

- You can try it out tonight

and you can let me know tomorrow, no problem.

- [Arg] Good man.

- Knew you weren't gonna buy it.

- I am gonna buy it.

I'm just not buyin' it today.

[upbeat music]

- Why on earth, have you come as a dice?

- I thought it was funny.

- You look like you should be hanging from a car mate.

- I've got a chat up line for later.

- Stroke my furry dice?

- That one's better than mine!

I was gonna say pick a number between one and four,

and they'll go two and I'll go you've won a prize.

A dance with me!

- Chris, I'm not being funny mate,

in that outfit I don't think she's even gonna listen

to what you say.

- She's not even gonna pick a number.

- I am regretting it a little bit,

just due to the fact that every time I go for my pint,

it's like drinking from the furry cup.

- [Ricky] Which you've never done before.

- I've done it on a few times.

- Like on the real, how many birds have you been with?

- I've gone into three figures.

- You?

- The same.

- Nowhere near.

- What?

- [Little Chris] Nowhere near.

- I'd say, I'd say roughly about 25.

- [Mario] That's not bad.

- Quarter of a century ain't too bad.

So that's it.

- I've done over 10.

- You haven't done 10.

I've known since we were like 10.

You have not done 10.

- I've done more than 10.

- Charlie?

- Enough.

- [Mario] Enough?

- [Ricky] Yeah, happy with your amount?

- Yeah, mate, the thing is I've done all this shit.

Literally, everything a boy can do I've done.

- Rick, can you pass me my drink?

- Seriously?

- You've done it, you've been there,

you've got the tee-shirt.

- Yeah, mate, I've done all this.

I've done everything so there's nothing really more

I could do so.

[upbeat music]

- Arg mate, loving the suit

but who are you supposed to be today?

- Robert Di Nero - "Casino".

- You've always wanted to be a gangster ain't ya?

- That's actually a line from "Goodfellas" you mug.

- Is it?

I've never seen the film.

- It's Casino you div.

- Shut up mate, you look like an overweight Robert Di Nero.

- What?

I am an overweight Robert Di Nero.

At least I look a little bit like him!

- What do you think of the Elvis costume then boys?

- [Arg] I think you look a bit sexy tonight.

- Do you reckon?

- I reckon I could see Lauren P unzipping that costume

and giving it a whack.

- That's the plan.

[men laughing]

Givin' it a what?

I can't see a fuckin' thing in these glasses, though, mate.

They're literally so dark.

I won't even be able to see her tonight.

- Your eyes are shit.

- [Tom P] I'll take them off.

- I've gotta give it to you,

you are a good looking fucker, isn't why?

- What, better than Diags?

- Come off, I've got a [mumbles].

- Diags, have you had a sunbed?

- A little bit.

- You've actually had a sunbed?

- He's had one sunbed, he's only about 18.

- And I think. - One or two.

- I actually think you showered, lemme check.

Decent, Diags, decent.

- [Tom P] So who you gonna be pulling tonight?

- No one in this.

- You're not an ugly kid.

You've gotta stop telling yourself that.

- I never tell myself, you tell me that.

- You keep tellin' that. - No, I'm,

I can't call Diags ugly, he's near on par with me.

But. - This is nearly

on par with me?

- You're not an ugly kid, you're just unfortunate looking.

[men laughing]

[upbeat music]

- I didn't get the memo about fancy dress,

I just thought it was like, come like a bit glam.

- [Georgina] Yeah but you look glam.

- I thought if needs be I'll just say I'm like Paris Hilton.

- Could be like Paris Hilton.

- She loves a bit of Vegas.

- [Georgina] Yeah.

- Or Britney?

Any blonde.

- You could be any blonde.

- I can't actually concentrate on what you're saying

because all I can see out the corner of my eye

is Little Chris dressed as a dice.

- Wait.

Oh my god and he's dancing in a dice costume!

- He's just one of those guys isn't he?

Like bless him, everything he does is cringey.

- I would've said that's your type.

- [Lauren P] You joking me?

- Yeah! [girls laughing]

- [Lauren P] You don't know me at all!

Hi Tom.

- [Tom P] Hi girls, you alright?

- I'm just gonna go over here,

I feel a bit like out of place.

- Why? - Just do.

Does anyone want a drink?

- I'll have one please yeah.

I keep bumping into you at these parties don't I?

- [Lauren P] I know.

- But, I wanna take you out just me and you.

What do you reckon?

- To where?

- Do you like wine?

- I love wine.

- I don't really like wine,

but we can go wine tasting if you like.

- What?

- Wine tasting, in a vin.

- That's so random,

that's like something you would come up with.

- I know, I've never been wine tasting before.

- You don't like wine so you're not gonna like it.

- I might do, I've never tasted it properly.

- You've never tasted wine?

- You've just gotta take it in don't ya,

have a little sip around your mouth

and spit it back out. - You know you spit

it back out.

- You can swallow it if you like can't ya?

- Tom what you talking about?

We still talking about wine tasting here?

- Yeah course.

- [laughs] okay.

- [Tom P] Yeah?

- Mhm.

- Okay, sounds like a plan.

- Yep.

- Cool. - Deal.

- Alright baby.

- Stop it!

- Sorry, always awkward.

- Saved by the dice!

- That's a cool outfit.

[upbeat music]

- What would you spend your winnings on Pat?

- Well, I had a little bit of an accident,

didn't I the other day.

- What happened?

- I broke my tooth.

- How?

- I was eating a bit of crusty bread and I was enjoying it

and then all of a sudden went like that

and I thought [gasps]!

So I just jumped up quick, run at the toilet.

- 13 black, 13 black.

- [Gem] Pat you ain't getting a new tooth at the moment.

- I had 12.

Where's Charlie then tonight?

- I ain't seen 'im tonight yet Pat.

- [Nanny Pat] You haven't?

- No.

I'm not really bothered though,

'cause we're not together now.

- Well what was the matter with you then?

Didn't work out?

- There wasn't any sexual chemistry there Pat,

he didn't ever put it on me.

- Nothing whatsoever?

- In eight weeks he never even tried to [grunts].

- No!

Something must be wrong with 'im then.

He must be a bit.

He's either that or he's round the other way innit.

- Do you think Pat?

- [Nanny Pat] Definitely yeah.

- Can you pass me my drink?

- Deary me.

- So what did you need to have a word about mate?

Are you alright?

- Nah I'm good man, honestly I'm fine, it's just like

for the first time in a long time I'm like one of the boys.

It's actually a really nice feeling

and I wanna thank you for that.

- that's alright mate, don't worry about it,

you know, that's what pals are for you know.

- And, the thing is though, how do I word it like?

You know we were talking about girls

and how many birds we've slept with

and you know, what you get up to

and all that sorta stuff like.

I wanna be like one of the boys, I really do

but at the same time I feel like I can't partake

in this conversation because I don't feel comfortable

with it and I don't really know how to respond

and react to it.

- You're quite like a gentleman in your own right,

do you know what I mean?

Every way you act you're not like, you know,

you're not that person that would say something like that.

- To be fair, I've got a bit of like a secret

and I ain't told anyone.

- Okay.

- And, I wanna tell you.

Basically, right I've only actually ever slept

with two girls in my life.

- Okay.

- And it's been a long time, like long time,

since I was last intimate with a girl.

I'm talking years man, I'm 26 and it's been years

since I've done anything really.

- Mate you shouldn't be embarrassed about yourself.

- See I am embarrassed.

- You shouldn't be embarrassed about yourself mate.

I always get really worried mate

when I like strip down to like naked.

And then I think to myself do I take off my socks

or just leave the socks on and just roll with it.

So, do you know what I mean?

It sounds stupid but women analyse stuff like this.

- I feel like a virgin again, if I'm honest.

That is what I feel like.

- Mate to be fair, every time I,

like, start rooting a bird I feel under the cosh.

So what I do is, I clean the hosepipe before I go out.

- Oh what like whack one out before.

- Yeah just straight out and then I know I'm good to go.

Do you know what I mean?

- It makes sense, it makes sense.

- If you're having a bird over.

- I don't wanna be a one minute man.

- [Little Charlie] You don't wanna be a one minute man.

- I don't wanna be that.

- [Little Charlie] That's the last thing you wanna be.

- And I know that's what's gonna happen

'cause I've only had my right hand to contend with.

- Yeah but just make sure you start with oral

because then if you just do it in her mouth

then you know that's like a tumble dryer anyway

at that point when it's all happening.

- Yeah, but I go red man thinking about it.

- Yeah but 'cause you haven't had it in so long

and and like literally sometimes I'm like that,

and somehow I'm like whoah hello, she's going,

and like she's done it, I've already gone

and it's back up again.

You'll be like a rock mate.

All I'd say to you is like over the next couple

of months mate we're gonna have so much fun,

do you know what I mean?

Just don't let that affect your game mate.

You can always talk to me because I'm 'ere,

I'm one of your mates now,

and I promise you it's all genuine, do you know what I mean?

- [Charlie] No I see that, I see that.

- Let's go 'ave a good night, give us a hug come on.

[upbeat music]

- I think Arg is a bit pissed off with me.

- Why what you done now?

- Well you know his glasses?

His £650 pair glasses?

- [Cara] His sunglasses?

- [Frankie] His like pride and joys?

- I fully sat on 'em and broke 'em [laughs].

They're literally bent out so can't go on his face,

puts 'em on and they just flop off.

- [Arg] I don't fucking believe it.

- What?

- I put my glasses down for two seconds

and fucking guess who fucking sat on 'em?

Ricky fucking Raymond.

I'm gonna go and straighten 'em.

- [Billi] He's fuming!

- Over a pair of glasses are you sure?

He actually thinks he's bloody, what's he meant to be?

Danny De Vito?

- Yeah Danny De Vito.

Little man syndrome, aw don't.

- Ricky's over there talking to Billi and Cara,

considering the fuss the kicked up about me going

on a date or not even a date sorry, talking to him

in the bar and kissing 'im.

It's quite nice they can be civil with him isn't it.

- Well exactly it's always the way though isn't it,

it's like lets treat Jess like a bit of shit.

What is that all about?

- I don't know, all I know is

they've been apparently slagging me off,

calling me desperate, calling me

that I would go with anyone,

and apparently that

they've been slagging off my mum as well.

That's just below the belt.

- What is exactly have they said about your mum though?

This is just like, too much.

- Just calling her like names and sayin' that,

I'm not gonna go into detail

but all I know is it wasn't nice things.

At the end of the day, who are they to talk?

- [Billie] This is so bang out of order.

- Who are they to talk?

- I'm not being funny but like,

say what they want about you

but as soon as they say anything about your family,

that's well below the belt.

- What's annoying me though is they're going around

with this sort of sordid attitude

like there's a problem here, there's a problem there,

it's like, there's no problem.

If you've got a problem, tell me what the problem is.

'Cause I haven't got a problem!

- Yeah don't keep all this like,

what is it like aminosity or?

- Amnosity.

Animosity, that's it.

- Yeah, whatever like girls are girls,

if they wanna bitch let them get on with it.

But do not bring your mum into it, it's just weird.

- I just think boyfriends are for winter.

- Definitely. - Yeah cuddles.

- When it's cold and Christmas.

- What do you think?

- I dunno I'm sorta like an all seasons kinda guy.

- Really?

- [Ricky] Yeah.

- Talk about romance, what's goin on with you and Jess?

- It's going slow but, I'm not used to slow.

- So slow it seems to be going backwards!

- Listen!

It's a slow relationship,

I'm more used to quite a whirlwind sort of.

- So it's a relationship?

- It is and it isn't.

- I don't really get it she's got a boyfriend.

- I don't really like, go out with any other people.

- She does.

- Why you digging me out so much over Jess?

- [Cara] We're not digging you out.

- We're trying to give you, what's it called again?

- [Billi And Cara] Advice.

- [Billie] Wish I could hear what they were saying.

- I know Ricky and when he gets annoyed,

he gets really defensive

and he seems like he's getting really defensive.

I don't know what about though.

- Probably 'cause they're saying something bitchy again

and he's probably just sticking up for you.

- I'm getting to the point now,

I'm just gonna go up to them and be like

what is the problem?

Seriously what is the problem?

- Well the thing is like to get this all off your chest,

I would say, just say it.

- To be honest, if they hadn't said anything about my mum,

I wouldn't go up and say anything.

It's the sheer fact they have I wanna go up there

and be like do you know what, it's gotta stop,

it's pathetic.

Grow up, what's your problem, what's the issue?

- I just think it's really like.

- [Jess] Childish.

- [Billi] Just nasty more than anything.

- To be fair she probably got the hump

that you're standing here and we're not helping things.

- Yeah probably are, maybe I should go get a drink.

Go on I'll speak to you soon!

- See you in a little bit. - Alright girls.

- I can't believe of all the. - No, don't say it,

you're [mumbles].

- But to fair, you do look good, mate.

- You too, mate. - I just look better

'cause I look like more like Robert Di Nero than you do.

[upbeat music]

Cheers Micky, free drink all night, son [laughs].

What happened to you, like,

have you been punched in the eye?

- No mate, it burns your throat.

[upbeat music]

- Hello you alright?

- Yeah I wanted to come over and say something

'cause there's clearly some sort of atmosphere.

- Atmosphere, yeah.

- Well why is there at atmosphere?

- Well you tell me.

You come to our marathon party

and you walked in and you didn't even say,

oh you alright girls?

Well done for today.

- I didn't know.

- What you didn't know we run the marathon?

- Me and my mum both congratulated you.

- [Cara] Both didn't come over.

- And actually I'm quite surprised we did considering

when you've both sat

and slagged me off behind my back calling me desperate.

- You're having a laugh!

We called you desperate?

- You did call them desperate babe, you did.

- No offence Frank, but this is nothing to do with you.

And you stood in your salon

the other week slagging me off and slagging my mum off,

and two of my very good friends heard that.

- Did I?

What'd I say then?

Who's your very good friends?

'Cause where are they then?

What did they say?

- I'll tell you

what they said. - Go on then.

- No I'm not telling you what they said, it's irrelevant.

- Oh it's all shit then Jess.

- No I'm not talking shit! - Talkin' shit.

What'd I say then?

- I don't wanna repeat what you said.

- What did I say?

- It's disgusting

what you said, disgusting. - What did I say?

What did I say?

- Well it's about me and my mum.

- Well, what then?

Come on then.

Coming over here mouth almighty.

What the fuck did I say?

- What have I ever done to you?

- Oh this is a bit like what happened with Lauren,

oh what have I ever done to you?

Oh what have I ever done

to you? - Don't get involved

with Lauren 'cause you fuckin didn't

like her three weeks ago

so don't even go there. - Well listen, I like her now

and I don't like you.

- [Jess] Good, 'cause I don't need you.

- So fuck off!

- Pathetic.

- Two people have told Jess, who are good friends

with Jess about what you said about Jess' mum.

- Right who's your good friends?

- Gemma and Argent.

They heard you say it.

- You're saying I slagged you off

and told this person that person,

I'm saying to you what have I said,

when have I said it, go and get Arg and Jess

[girls shouting]

- I've told you what they said.

They've heard you slagging me off.

- [Billi] Well go and get Arg and Gemma then

and come back and we'll see what I said.

- What difference if they come over

and tell you what they said?

What difference?

- 'Cause you ain't got the bottle to say you said this,

you said that. - The fact is you did say it.

- Just leave it. - Just leave it.

- Slag me off all you want

'cause I couldn't give a shit you're not my mates

but don't slag my family off.

- [Billi] Good go away then, alright.

- Have some respect!

- Shut up, enjoy your hen whoever your fella is, bye!

- [Jess] At least I've got one!

- Shut up you balding prick!

- To be fair it's been a good night, ain't it,

you know Mick's pulled it out again, free booze all night.

- [Joey] Nah I know free booze.

- Nice girls.

- It's all kicked off.

- What? - Because of you.

- What are you talking about?

- Right, it's all kicked off with the girls

because yet again you've gossiped like a girl.

- Oh Gemma shut up what are you talkin' about?

- Right, Billi and Cara, Jess and Carol.

- Don't get me involved in this.

- Don't get you involved, the fuckin' row's over you.

- No it ain't Gemma!

- Right.

- I don't like, everyone always calls me a gossip

and a bitch, I don't wanna be.

- 'Cause you are, you're a gossip bitch.

- [Joey] What's been said, what's been said?

What's been said?

- I went in to Bows and Belles to get my nails done.

- [Arg] And I was in there as well.

- You was in there having a sun bed.

Then you pop up and say.

- No Gemma don't.

- I overheard them saying

that Carol is mutton dressed as lamb.

- No no no!

- Did you say it?

- Yes you did!

- [Arg] No, listen to me.

- And you're just backing down

because you said oh Cara and Billi will beat me up

if this comes out, I won't get free sun beds.

- [Joey] Tell me the truth.

- No wait, I was having a sun bed minding my own business,

I didn't talk about anyone or anyone else's business.

You come in to the sun bed shop

and then Billi and Cara said Carol

is mutton dressed as lamb, and I didn't know what it meant.

- I did not say to Jess or Carol

about the mutton dressed up as lamb.

'Cause on my mother's life, I didn't hear that.

- Listen, you don't understand what it's like for me.

- Did you or did you not overhear

them saying Carol was mutton dressed as lamb?

- I'm not saying I told Jess,

but yes Cara and Billi said Carol is mutton dressed as lamb

and they did say about Jess being bald.

- Fine, you're telling the truth!

- But, I don't wanna get involved in it Gemma.

- I've had a stressful, I've had a stressful.

- What you're trying to say is.

- Oh here you go again, I broke up with Lydia and I.

- I'm not talking about Lydia!

My sunglasses have been sat on by Ricky Raymond,

I've broken a 14 grand watch that I've had for one day,

I've had a tough day as it is.

I just don't wanna get involved.

- But you got yourself involved

by sayin' all running telling tales.

- That's why I'm asking you, can't you just,

you say you said it.

- Arg shut up! - No!

This is what I'm sayin'.

This is what he wanted me to do.

- Oh let's just drop it now.

I'll tell the truth if anyone asks me.

- [Gemma] Tell the truth, always be honest.

- Fuck sake, I'm not getting me eyebrows done tomorrow

then am I?

[upbeat music]

- [Narrator] Next time, on The Only Way Is Essex.

Is this the last throw of the dice for Little Chris?

- Have you shaved your pubes?

Why have you done that?

- I just like the look.

- [Narrator] Will Arg get his priorities right?

- The fuckin' row's over you.

- Not gettin' me eyebrows done tomorrow, then, am I?

- Hi ladies.

- [Narrator] And remember,

if Mick's caravan's rocking, don't you come knocking.

- [Chloe] Birthday sex.

- Is that what you come here for?

- [Narrator] Who knows?

These people are real,

and anything can happen.