All language subtitles for The.Only.Way.Is.Essex.S05E05.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-SLAG_track3_[eng]

make-ups, break-ups, and
Nanny Pat going gangster.

The tans you see might be fake,
but the people are all real,

although some of what they
do has been set up purely

for your entertainment.

Previously, on The Only Way is
Essex.

- I've just found out

that Lydia had a one night
stand.

- He texts me these messages,
Lucy.

Names and stuff that he calls
me.

- She always put my
sister first, before me.

- Then you've got to
break it off with her.

- If I'm honest, I don't
think there's sexual chemistry

in this relationship.

I really don't.

- Let me take you out.

One time.

- What you'd go on a date?

- I'll surprise ya.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

[laugh]

[birds chirping]

- All right?

- [Arg] Yo yo yo!

[laughs]

- Yo yo yo!

- What's happening, all right?

- [Arg] What's happening
mate, what you got for me?

- You look well.

Here's a card.

[Arg laughs]

Takeaway.

- Ah my favourite.

- Yeah suits you.

- Lovely, cheers mate.

[both laugh]

Always believed in you, bet
never fort.

You spelt thought F-O-R-T
it should be T-H-O-U-G-H-T.

But it doesn't matter.

- Yeah they don't pronounce,

it ain't pronounced like that is
it?

- Nah.

But you never fort you'd
do as good as you did.

Love you, from Joey Essex.

Reem.

[laughs]

Cheers mate.

Listen all in all, you
know, I'm feeling great

and I've achieved it.

- What about Lydia?

Spoke to her?

- No, we sort of, you know,

we stayed well clear of each
other.

- Why?

- Well you know, everything
that's happened you know,

about her sleeping with
someone I know really well.

- [Joey] Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

- When I found out I was
shocked and I, you know,

sent her, you know, a
couple of abusive texts.

She sent me back abusive texts

and that's it you know,

but I just feel disappointed in
Lydia.

I never thought she was that
sort of girl.

She's always made out how
she's different to the rest

of the girls around her, she's
just proved

that she's the same as the
other girls around here.

- I would more be pissed of
with the boy who's done it

than Lydia, it's not Lydia's
fault.

- No I don't think so.

- [Joey] Yeah but why is it
Lydia's fault?

- Because boys are boys.

I would never in a million years
go near a friend of Lydia's

or someone that she knows very
well,

because, A, I wouldn't
want her to hear about it,

and, B, I wouldn't want to try

and do something to deliberately
hurt her.

Listen enough about Lydia,

what is going on with
you and Sam, seriously?

- Mate, obviously, we
just saw her at the party

and we had a few kisses and
stuff so.

I'm gonna take her out on
a more, like, adventure

but a date sort of
thing, at the same time,

do you know what I mean?

- When you broke up with Sam
before,

I know how much it affected you.

- Yeah.

- I just don't want you
rushing into something,

getting all attached again
and throwing your heart out,

and then getting hurt.

I just want you to be careful.

- Yeah I know, I know.

[gentle relaxing music]

- As much as I love doing the
marathon,

I'm glad its out the way now,

'cause I feel like I haven't
really seen Tom or nothing,

I haven't even really
spoke to him to be honest.

I need to have a bit of a
chat with him and stuff.

- Do you think he wants to be
in a proper relationship then?

- I don't know.

I absolutely love him to bits,

and I don't want it to be weird
for him,

and I don't want you to be in
the middle

and him feel like that-

- I am in the middle, I've got
no choice.

- Yeah course.

You was always gonna be
in the middle weren't you.

And I don't, you know...

- You've just got to be
careful with him Bill.

- Do you not think this is
gonna get really awkward

between yous two?

- No

- It was a bit awkward at
the marathon with Lyd, like,

he text her horrendous things,
like,

I can't believe.
- Who did, Arg?

- I can't believe the stuff
that come out of his mouth.

Like, calling her every
name under the sun.

- At the end of the day,

as much as she don't want to be
with him,

but she's still gonna be upset

and get bothered by him for
using her.

- [Lucy M] Exactly.

- I just think if anyone
speaks to you like it,

you still get, you would
still get bothered.

- It's just out of order,
like, I love Arg to bits

but I can't have him talk
to a friend like that.

It's disgusting.

[upbeat music]

- Jess?

Jessica!

What are you doing?

- Just writing some music, nan.

- Oh right.
- Have a listen?

It's one of my songs.

- Yeah.

Let's have a listen.

Oh that's nice, innit?

- Not a bit too clubby for you?

- No, no, it's quite nice,

you can understand what you're
saying.

Some of them you can't
understand
a word they say, can you?

[laughs]

I would go, I would,

I'd buy that.

- Would you?

- Yep definitely.

- That's good, 'cause I'm hoping

that people are gonna
wanna buy these one day.

- What do you think that
rapping's all about then mom?

What do you think that--

- Well I always thought
it was wrapping up things.

I mean not singing and
talking like they do.

- No, but you know what rap is,
don't you?

- Yeah they sing and talk at
the,

or talk and sing at the same
time.

- Go on then give me one
of your best impressions.

- Oh Jersey cow.

- Go on.

- I went to get a pint of milk

and I was wearing silk

[both laugh]

- [Jess] That was actually quite
good.

- Oh stop it.

[laugh]

[gentle music]

- [Mario] Jesus Christ!

- Bad innit?

- Something else.

So what actually happened then?

- Well I'd rung Kirk for
something,

nothing to do with the fire,

because I didn't know the
place was on fire then,

it was just to speak to him,

and I could hear the alarms
going off

in the background of the phone
call.

He said, "I'm putting the fire
out, I can't speak to you!"

I said, "What are you fucking on
about,

"putting the fire out?"

"The house is on fire!"

He's going, "The house is on
fire."

"Stop messing about
Kirk what's happening?"

"Dad, your house is on fire."

And he's coughing and
spluttering and obviously

by that time I'm realising
the house is on fire.

So when I'd got here, he
was outside being treated

with the ambulance, he had all
the smoke and what have you.

It started here.

There was cupboard there

and there was towels on the top
shelf,

and the two down lighters and
I think the light was left on,

caught fire to the towels.

You don't really think the
light would do that, do you?

- No.

- But over about three hours
apparently.

But it's a fucking nightmare,
isn't it?

- Mate, seriously, I didn't
think it would be this bad.

- It's bad isn't it?

- At least you can still
use the sink and that

and the mirror, on the plus
side, see?

- [Mick] Yeah and wash your
teeth.

Apart from I've got no
toothbrush or...

- Every cloud.

- Yeah.

- It's in there somewhere.

- The toothbrush, yeah.

Yeah I've got my tooth
whitening,
that will be all right.

[laugh]

Got my gum shield, salvaged
something.

And I salvaged my water bottle,
look.

- Yeah, I like it.

[both laugh]

- No, first appearance you
think it's just this room

but clearly it's not,

it's the whole house is affected
by it.

- Yeah, exactly, Mick's man
cave's taken a bit of a,

a bit of a battering.

- A bit of a battering,
the man cave, yeah.

Good, come on get out of this
smelly hole.

- Yeah.

[upbeat music]

- I felt like James just
really didn't want me there.

Well actually I know that he
really didn't want me there

because he text me and said
don't come.

But obviously I went along
to support the girls.

But I just, I just wanted to
leave.

'Cause I choose to see somebody
else,

that shouldn't be a huge problem

because I'm not in a
relationship with him anymore.

- No, it shouldn't be an issue.

It shouldn't be an issue at all.

- And it is, and he's made
it out to be a huge problem.

Like, look I'll show you some of
them.

They're just so...

They're just really horrible
and really disrespectful.

- But listen Lydia, all
of this that he's writing,

all of this, isn't about
somebody that he loves.

This is about somebody
that he feels he owns.

You're not a slag, you're not a
slut

and you don't sleep around.

And you choose who you
want to go out with,

and you choose it fine.

But what you mustn't do is react
to him.

When he texts you nasty
messages like that,

and they are nasty messages, you
know,

that do upset me to read, so it,
you know,

I know how much it devastates
you.

You have to take control of
this Lydia, and delete it.

- It's so hard because
whenever James is involved,

I feel like really weak.

I get all nervous and I get all
shaky.

- Lydia, you have to believe
that you're number one.

I love you and I always will do.

All right.

- I love you.

- Big cuddle.

- Sorry I made you cry.

- Oh you know what, Gem,

it's actually really nice to see
ya.

- Are you actually getting
out of that dressing gown now,

and off the sofa or are
you gonna live in it again?

[Arg laughs]

- No.

- I just don't want to see you
going to back to that sleuth

that you were, do you know what
I mean?

- Sleuth?

- You know like them koala bears

that like hang from the
trees and don't move all day?

Sloths?

Sleuths?

- I thought a sloth was like a,
like a,

like a bee or a wasp.

- No it's a bear.

- Oh Gem.

- Just wanted to see your
smiley, friendly face.

I'm having a right time
of it at the minute.

I was really out of order
to Charlie the other day,

and I just coming to you 'cause
I'm gonna meet up with him

and tell him that I'm sorry.

- You're the one that's
told him to fuck off,

so you just got to go
round there and apologise.

No excuse, just say I'm sorry.

- I'm fuming with the
whole sexting allegations.

One thing I ain't is some
little sex line caller.

It was just a bit of fun
and I think, with Charlie,

I just want to straighten
the air and clear things up,

'cause you want to be friends
with your ex don't you?

Do you?

[Arg laughs]

What's going on with you and
Lydia?

- Um, oh don't.

I don't want to get into it
again Gem.

I'm moving on now, you know,

I'm going out with the boys
tonight for a few drinks.

Maybe it's about my time
to actually enjoy myself.

- I think we should be single
together

and ready to mingle, do you?

- I might have to start sexting
like you,

you know what I mean?

[laughs]

Get out the old sexting,
maybe that will be a start.

- Make sure you're sexting me.

- Bloody hell.

- I think you should more
concentrate shaving your noony

rather than your legs.

- Why would I shave my noony
for?

- Well you don't want
spider's legs hanging

out your knickers.

- Yeah but this is a first date,

you're not gonna shave that am
I?

- Anyway it's not like
a first date for you,

you two have been on loads of
dates.

- Yeah it is really because
that was then, this is now.

So I'm going to look
at it as a first date.

Maybe a kiss.

Definitely not gonna get to
see...

[laughs]

Oh God.

I wonder where he's gonna
take me though, like.

- I definitely think it will
involve a bit of Joey's humour.

You know what he's like

- Yeah.

He'll have something up
his sleeve no matter what.

I want to do something
where I can dress up

and have a drink,

we can chat and relax,
rather than just like...

- Well in that case then
you just want to go out

for a nice meal.

But I do think you need
to be a bit careful

with letting him know that, at
the moment,

it is just a bit of fun

and you don't want him
to start getting upset.

You know how he was last time.

- [Billie] Yeah.

- And the last thing you
need is people, like Frankie,

getting involved, which you know
she will.

- Yeah, better get ready.

Go on, out.

- Shave that noon.

Never know.

[upbeat music]

- Thanks for coming today.

- That's all right.

- I just want to say I am sorry

for telling you to F off out of
my house.

I didn't mean it.

- It was the heat of the
moment Gem, so it's fine.

- You know that.

- I know that.

- 'Cause you know I would
never talk to you like

that normally.

- No.

- You know I do want to say
sorry about the Ricky texts.

But I do feel it has been
blown out of proportion.

- The thing is, 'cause I've
been thinking about it non-stop.

I just don't get it,
like, I don't understand

what the need was in the first
place.

- Reason why I was enjoying
the texts from Ricky,

and I've spoke to Jess about it,

it was because it was that bit
of banter.

It was the feeling that
someone else wanted me.

- If it was me doing that with
Jess, you wouldn't like it.

You wouldn't.

- Nothing on them texts,

and I will go to Judge Judy
and I will get her to prove it,

nothing on them bloody texts...

- Yeah.

- Insinuated that I wanted
to do any more with him

than go for a drink.

Jess is my friend, at the end of
the day,

it's got nothing...

- Yeah Ricky's supposed to be my
mate.

- He ain't your mate Charlie.

After you did that dance,
he said, "He's gay Gemma."

He's not your friend, I've told
you that.

- I will make the judgement on
that.

- Get some backbone and start
standing up to everybody.

They're not, he's not your
friend.

- But it's only ever coming from
you.

- [Gemma] He's not my friend.

- No one has actually ever said
anything to me of negative.

- Oh Charlie, oh.

- But they haven't Gem.

You're making me fucking
paranoid.

Don't talk to this one,
be careful of that one.

- Because I'm looking out for
you Charlie.

- But Gemma, I've got to make
my own judgement with things.

All right, if Ricky Rayment
has said that about me,

I need to ask him about it.

He's never said it to my face.

People said things to me
about you in the past,

but I don't need to say it

because I'm gonna make
my own judgement on you

and it's as simple as that.

[upbeat music with Jess singing]

- Yeah it's not bad, but
you can get it better.

We'll have a quick cup of tea

and then we'll crack back on.

- [Jess] All right then.

- [Producer] Sorted, come in
then.

- [Jess] You all right trouble?

- Mariah, are you all right?

Mwah.

- Mariah, you idiot.

[laughs]

- Belting them out in there.

- Did you like it?

- No it was really good.

I was proper bouncing along to
ya.

I came in and I was like...

- [Jess] It's a tune, I co-wrote
that.

- Did ya?

- Yeah.

Yeah I've got like four songs,

and we'll be pitching it to a
label soon

and seeing if I get signed.

- You're really good.

- Thank you.

Ever since I was little,
I've always wanted to sing.

I just use to wish, "Please
God let me be a pop star."

- You look just like Jesse J.

- I don't look anything like
Jesse J.

- You do, you look like her.

What I've heard now,
sounds better than her.

- No it doesn't you idiot.

- Well I prefer, to be honest,

I prefer your tracks to
her tracks, personally.

- That's 'cause you're
basically in love with me.

[laugh]

- Oh I can't deny it, you know.

- You actually are the first boy

that's ever been in the studio
with me.

Do you know how lucky you are?

- There you go.

That must be counting for
something.

- Maybe.

- [Ricky] One step closer.

- Now all you're sexting issues
are over.

- Stop!

There's one person I'm texting,
it's you.

That's it.

- And no sexting either,

it's just texting.
- No sexting, just texting.

[both laugh]

And like, you can tell how
different I am

with you compared to everyone
else.

- [Jess] Okay.

- As soon as I see you, I
look up and I'm smiling.

- You got massive hearts in
your eyes when you see me,

haven't you?

[laughs]

[upbeat music]

- You're out of order.

Yet again, I've come
here to be nice to you

and say let's be friends.

- No, it's 'cause it's
not going your own way,

you're getting the hump.

- It's not that it's not
going my own way Charlie.

- No I'm just speaking up for
myself,

it's as simple as that.

The Ricky Rayment thing
is a separate sideline.

- Yeah,

a separate sideline Charlie.
- No I know,

yeah it is a separate sideline

and I'm not denying that.

- Thank you.

Hallelujah.

- I'm not denying that.

But at the same time, it adds to
the thing

this is why this
relationship's not gonna work.

- I wish I'd never have text him
now,

'cause its just an easy road out
for you.

[whispers] I didn't want
to be horrible to you.

- We move on.

Today is a new day and it's a
fresh start.

- I feel sad about it Charlie.

- Babe.

- I can't force you to love me.

I can't force anyone to love me

and I don't hate you for that.

- No, but at the same time,

I wanna be after someone

that I've got my testosterone's
going mad for, you know.

I want that passion, I want that
lust.

And it, I just, it wasn't there.

I think we both know that maybe
it wasn't just gonna happen.

And categorically I want
a friendship with you

and I think that we can
have a great friendship.

- I think we can as well.

- Yeah?

- 'Cause we do like each other.

- We do, we do.

- In that way, don't we.

I don't think I'll ever get
anyone to draw me again, or...

- [Charlie] No you'll never
forget that in a hurry.

- Or bake me a black avocado,
or...

- Right.

- If I could get certain
qualities in you

and put them in someone
else then, you know,

hopefully I would have the
perfect man then, but...

- And vice versa, so...

- Oh you don't mean that!

- Come on, give me a kiss.

- You don't mean that,
you think I'm a bitch.

- You mean the world to me, all
right?

- Oh thank you.

- I mean that, I really do.

[upbeat music]

- Where do you think we are?

- I haven't a clue, literally.

- It's nice weather ain't it?

- Don't have a clue.

- Right where did I take
you on your last date?

- Dump, no you haven't
brought me to the dump again.

- Is this any better?

[gasps]

- Oh my God!

- How good is that?
- Are we getting in there?

- Yeah, we're getting in.

- No!

- How good is that?

- I've never been in a
helicopter in my life.

- We're gonna get in.

We're gonna basically tour
Essex.

Gonna go over my house, your
house.

This is a lot better than
the dump though, ain't it?

- Oh yeah, much better.

- Do you like it, yeah?

- Yeah.

I'm really scared though,
like, really, really scared.

I don't really like heights.

I mean I don't like flying.

- Why?

- I just don't like flying.

- [Joey] It's fine let's do it.

[upbeat music]

[laughs]

- I'm a child.

I'm scared.

- Are you?

- Are you not scared?

- A little bit.
[helicopter blades whir]

- I'm really scared.

- Nah.

[rap music]

- Now what do you want to have
done?

- I wanna join the booby club.

I wanna pair of pecks.

- Oh my God,

I thought you were going to
say you wanted boobs then.

I was like...

- No.

- [Lauren] Don't get them.

I think they'd look weird.

- Do you not think I should do
it?

- What like peck implants?

- I'll be honest with you,

I'm not a gym junkie,

I can't live on chicken and
broccoli for six days a week.

I just feel pigeon.

- Open your top up a little bit.

Can we see a bit further down?

- [Bobby] Course you can.

- I reckon you might get away
with it.

'Cause he looks like he goes to
the gym.

If they're subtle.

You're not going to have
great big ones, are ya?

- Well I want an handful.

They did tell me I have
to be really careful

and this is what I was wondering
about,

like the tips and after advice,

because they said to me I can't
drive for two weeks after.

- Mm.

- Because if someone hits me up
the arse,

my tits are gonna hit the
steering wheel.

Have you heard that?

- So if someone does you up,
what?

- If someone hits me up the
arse,

in the car, so we're driving,
driving.

- [Chloe] Lauren you're so
dirty.

[laugh]

- [Cara] What do you think?

- I don't know, I just,

she's never been like this
before.

- Just what, the past week?

- Yeah the past week, it's just
been...

- You just drifting.

- Yeah drifting.

- Well when I spoke to her
earlier,

she just sort of said that, you
know,

she feels like it's
fizzling out a little bit.

But this is a position

that I asked you both not to put
me in.

And this is the reason

why I didn't want yous two
to start seeing each other.

Because exactly what I am in
now,

you've both put me in.

And it's not fair.

- But, at the start, you
don't see it like that do you?

'Cause I liked her.

- No but you don't, you and
Billie didn't see it like that,

but I did.

- I know but 'cause you like...

- And that's yous both being
selfish.

- But when you get stuck in the
moment,

that you just like, like her,
didn't I?

And then, I know how close you
two are.

- Yeah.

- And Billie has said to me

that she will always put you
first.

And then I can't try and change
that,

because then if I change that

and suddenly she says,
"No, do you know what,

"I'm gonna put you first,"
then you're gonna be pissed off

and that's selfish by me
taking your best friend

away from you.

- Do you still genuinely like
Billie?

- I do like Billie.

- [Cara] Yeah.

- But, I would never
take her away from you.

And by seeing her more
and seeing her more,

I am taking her away from you.

All right we'll have to speak to
her.

[helicopter blades whir]

- My heart's like...racing.

- [Joey] Oh, oh, oh, oh.

[Sam screams]

- [Sam] Oh my God!

[laugh]

[gentle music]

- Look there's your car.

[laughs]

Your car looks like a little
pig.

[laugh]

[gentle music]

- Oh there's Brentwood.

- Yeah.

- Are we going to go to see my
house?

There's my house!

My house is next to the one with
the pool.

- Is there any way we
can land on her roof?

- No we're not landing on my
roof.

Oh look, there's the Sugar Hut.

- Oh yeah.

- And there's Minnies,
you can see the car park.

[laughs]

[gentle music]

[upbeat music]

- You look like a little
leprechaun with this on.

- A leprechaun?

[laugh]

I like this blazer, I
thought it was quite sharp.

- The lovechild of Mr.
Bean and Stuart Little.

[all laugh]

[upbeat music]

- [Cara] Where's Lydia tonight?

- I rung her and invited her
out and she was just like,

she went, "I can't be
bothered with another night,

"I don't want to bump into Arg
again."

And I'm not getting involved,

but she's my mate,
she's upset, she's not--

- Yeah of course and it upsets
you.

- She's not coming out 'cause
she don't want to see him,

and it's upsetting me.

- Arg cannot treat Lydia like
that.

- [Lucy] No he can't.

- So listen I don't blame you,

if you wanna say something to
him,

I'd say something to him an all.

- I heard you got absolutely
binned

by Lauren Godger.

[all laugh]

- Boys.

[all laugh]

- [Tom] From the start.

- [Diags] Yeah?

- [Tom] I've said I think
Laura Pope's more my type.

- [Diags] Fucking hell.

- I've messaged Lauren Pope a
little bit.

I said to her, "I thought you
were a bit of cougar innit."

- A cougar?

- Yeah, she was like,

"yeah I've been known to
cougar it up now and again."

And I said, "Well are you
gonna cougar me up then?"

- [Arg And Diags] Oh!

- I said course I'm ready baby.

- [Diags And Arg] Oh!

- So basically I think
I made the wrong choice.

- Sweet.

You did get absolutely binned
by Lauren Godger though.

- [Tom] I did get binned
didn't I, forever.

- He's heard about, you
know, Diags and that lot,

they've got these like rivalries
going on.

And Mario's heard about them,
like,

sort of slagging him off.

They were saying that, "Oh
he's got a big nose and stuff."

And Mario's, like, really
conscious about it.

And I'm like, "Why?

"Like, you've got a
really nice nose, like,

you wouldn't suit having
some, like, little tiny nose,

you're Italian."

But he's proper like, he wants a
nose job.

- Really?

- And it's really annoying me

because I'm like there's
nothing wrong with it.

And coming from Diags,
I'm not being funny,

but look at him, do you know
what I mean?

[upbeat rock music]

- So talking about pulling
birds.

- Oh my God.

- We've got a little
surprise in store for you.

- We've got you a little
something.

- Well we thought like,
Tom Cruise has got them,

Simon Cowell has got them,
they're both quite small.

- My dad's probably even got
them.

- But they still manage to
clean up with the birds.

- Yeah.

- [Ricky] Clean up, right.

- Clean up.

- What's that?

- I thought we'd get you a
little surprise to help you out.

[laughs]

- You've got to put them on,

you've got to wear them tonight.

- Cuban heels,

you'll get an extra good
two, two and a half inches.

And then next time you ask
Frankie out,

you'll be at eye level.

- Well not eye level,
you'll be, nose level.

[laugh]

- I'm not going to lie to you.

- They look powerful.

- Look at them!

- They look like...

- They're not women's shoes.

- Stand up.

- Honestly mate.

We're both little fellas.

- Mate I just don't like the
look of them.

- Mate, seriously, it's a better
look

than you're rocking at the
minute.

- Mini Me has got them as well.

[laugh]

- All right boys, how's it
going?

- Come and take a seat.

- All right.

- What you got on your feet?

- Dunno mate.

- How you doing Ricks?

- He's looking good.

- Charlie mate are you all
right?

- No too bad.

- Um, what, drinks?

We'll go get some drinks.

Well you can see over the bar
now so you can come with me.

Come.

- All right boys?

[gentle music]

- Look, I've just come around
really,

just to talk about everything
that's been going on recently.

- Mm.

- And I haven't spoke to you
properly

in the last week, week and a
half.

And I just wanted to know
like, what's been going on?

What's been going on in your
head?

- It's just things seem to have
got, like, weird between us.

I don't know how and I don't
know why.

You know, I'll quite
happily go out with you,

do all that sort of stuff
and carry on as we are.

- My sister's always
gonna come first here.

- Which you know.

- And that's the main reason,

which I know from the start,
but I thought it would change.

And I know it's not going to
change

'cause it's been so
long now and it hasn't.

If she said let's go to dinner

and I said let's go to dinner,

you would always go with my
sister.

- I just don't want to upset
you,

I don't want to upset Cara.

- No listen, don't worry about
me,

you're not gonna upset me.

- [Billie] And I don't
want to be upset myself.

- I don't want to upset you
and Cara, that's the thing.

[funky instrumental music]

- I reckon if us four had
to all get our pieces out,

I reckon I'd be third in
the group, just behind Tom.

[laugh]

- You'd be last.

- What are you talking about,
I've got.

- No Rick, Carlos is bigger than
yours.

- How've you seen mine?

- How've you seen his?

- You showed me a sex tape.

[laugh]

- And I've seen yours all the
time,

'cause I've known you
for, since we were kids.

- Hold on a sec, why am I last?

Why am I always last?

Why do I always get fucked over?

- Cause you've just got
that look about you,

you just know that you've
got a little willy.

- If your [whistles] is
as diagonal as your mouth.

- Just 'cause it's diagonal,

don't mean there's nothing
there.

- No, say the girl was
in front of Diags, there,

he's got to go like this.

[laughs]

She's over there, I'm doing
this.

- Salute.

- Salute.

- Cheers everyone.

- Ching ching.

- Boys' night.

- It's boys' night.

- Boys' night?

[Rick laughs]

See I think it's a load
of bollocks if I'm honest.

- What's that?

- I feel I've got fucking
"mug" written across my head.

And we all know why, don't we?

- So yeah did you find out from,
like--

- I've had to find it out from
Gemma.

- [Ricky] Right so...

- [Charlie] I know so well
that it's been going on.

- Right, so of all people

that you should have found out
from,

then it should have been Gemma.

Not me.

- But you could have
said to me the other day,

when we were actually at the
fashion show,

"Charlie, mate, I don't
know what's going on,

"but look at these messages."

I'm walking around like fucking
muggins.

Everyone seems to know about it
but me.

- Do you not, do you not see
what that would look like?

If I just went up to you,

"Charlie, your bird is
sending me messages,

go speak to her."

I'd rather tell her to
stop, then she'd stop,

yous two carry on being sweet as
a nut.

- I'm humiliated.

I'm humiliated.

- I haven't done anything wrong.

- I've heard her side of the
story.

Therefore I don't want
to sit here and act like,

"Yeah mate, cheers,
let's have a good night."

- [Ricky] Yeah of course,
I understand that.

- When there's been a
situation, and not only that,

when I confronted her about it,

she said Ricky Rayment
thinks you're a gay man.

- Come one mate, it's banter
innit.

- But we're supposed to be
mates,

you're supposed to have
my back a little bit.

- Look listen, we all
banter at each other.

He takes the piss out of me,
you take the piss out of me,

we take the piss out of each
other innit.

- I'm categorically telling
you, I ain't a gay man.

If you ever want to discuss my
sexuality,

by all means come and talk to me
about it.

But for me to carry on
some kind of relationship

with you boys, we need to clear
the air.

- Well then don't come
out all guns blazing.

So look, everything's out in the
open.

- Right.

- And we all know now,
yeah, we all know, yeah.

- Do you wanna shake my hand.

Friends?

Yeah?

- I'm definitely the
only gay on the table.

- You're the only gay on the
table, right?

- Chris!

[all laugh]

- Cheers boys.

Come on.

- Here you are, four and a half
men.

- Chin chin.

- All right, cool.

[romantic music]

- So did you hire out the
restaurant?

- Yeah.

- Just for us?

- Mm, nice innit?

- I'm very impressed.

- I've got another
little surprise for you.

[both laugh]

- Sausages.

[laughs]

- Party sausages.

- Party sausages?

- Yeah you love 'em don't ya?

- That's ridiculous.

- You used to love them didn't
ya?

- I don't really eat these any
more.

- Yeah you do, you love them.

- Yeah, I used to love them.

- What you don't eat them no
more?

- Mm no 'cause since
I've moved out on my own,

mom always use to have them in
the fridge.

But now I live on my own, I
always forget to get them.

- Do you always cook then in
your house?

- Yeah.

- Do ya?

- But not like massive, like,

I just do things like
pastas, like jacket potatoes.

- Yeah but I can't cook things
like that, like potatoes.

- You must be able to.

You know like a bag of potatoes.

- Yeah but I don't, I
wouldn't know how to do them.

- It's easy.

You stab it, put it in the
mic for like 20 minutes

and then put it in the
oven for 15 minutes.

- What's the mic?

- Microwave.

[laugh]

- Why do call it the mic?

- What do you call it,
microwave?

- Microwave, yeah.

- It's quicker to say mic.

- Mic.

- It's really bad.

- I don't know how to
cook that, you know that.

- It's easy.

Well I can't cook but I
know how to do little bits

that will help you.

I'll write you out like a little
cookbook.

[laughs]

- Where do we go from here?

- I don't know.

What do you want to do?

- What do you want to do?

- You wanna kiss?

- Yeah, come right over
and give me a kiss.

[romantic pop music]

- I like you more.

Every time I see you, I like you
more.

And I do, I don't not like you.

But I was happy to be like that,

you're not happy to
just be how things are.

- No I'm not happy with
what's been going on.

I'm not happy the fact
that you said to me,

you'll always put my sister
first.

I just don't think it will work
out.

I'll always be there for you and
that,

but I just don't think that it
will.

- So what then?

- Well you know that I love you
to bits

and always will do.

But I think we should
stop seeing each other.

- Okay.

- Come here, I'm sorry.

[upbeat music]

- What do you reckon the
cool crew are talking about?

- Us?

- Us.

- Well they have nothing
else better to talk about,

it's always us.

- If he's not talking about us,
mate,

he's normally sending
Lydia abusive messages.

- That's why she's been
so upset all this time?

- Yeah.

- That's why she's not out
tonight Ricky.

It's doing my head in.

[Arg laughs]

- Boys, it's been quite
a good night, hasn't it?

- We need to get some shots
boys.

- Oh I can't deal with this
anymore,

I've got to talk to him.

- All right then baby.

- You all right, yeah?

- In a minute, yeah.

- All right Luce.

- I'm fine.

- What's the matter?

- I just, you just you upset me
Arg.

- Go on, explain why.

- I've seen horrendous
messages on Lydia's phone.

- You seen the texts she sent
me.

'Cause they were just as
abusive as the ones I sent her.

- I've seen them all.

I've seen all the messages.

- Right, at the end of the day
Lucy,

she slept on a one night
stand with a boy...

- Arg, Arg, Arg, Arg.
- With a boy from the area,

a boy I knew really well.

- [Lucy] This is irrelevant.

- And I thought he was a friend
of mine.

- Arg, do you know how much
respect you're giving Lydia

by saying this in a club?

- [Arg] All I'm saying, I
haven't got respect for her.

- It's disgusting, you
know that you shouldn't--

- I'm talking to you, I'm
not talking to anyone else.

- Yeah but you are, everyone can
hear you.

- I didn't want to bring it
up, Lucy, you came over to me.

I didn't want to bring it up,
I'm sorry.

- I just think you shouldn't
speak to a girl like that.

- I want to drop it now.

Right, I'm sorry.

I will never talk to
Lydia like that again.

But I'll never talk to her again
anyway

'cause I don't want nothing to
do with her

and I'm over her now.

I'm sorry if it's offended you.

- I just don't, just don't
talk about Lydia like that,

it's disgusting and she's not
like that.

You know that she's not like
that.

Don't you dare talk like that.
- She is like that,

'cause she did it Lucy.

- No she's not.

Oh and you don't have one night
stands

and all, every night?

- [Arg] All right, whatever.

- Exactly, exactly, exactly.

- [Ricky] I'm just saying
she did it, she did it.

Whatever, cunt.

- You all right?

- How is it all right for
a boy to sleep with...

How is it all right, how is it
all right

for a boy to sleep with a
different girl every night?

Like I wanna know.

- Do not take relationship
advice off Lucy Meck.

It doesn't fucking work.

- I don't want to put Lucy down.

She's only sticking up for her
mate.

- I can't have him talking
about her like that

and humiliating her.

- Baby, he's humiliating
himself.

- [Lucy] She's such a lovely
girl

and I don't like anyone
talking about her like that.

- He is humiliating himself.

- I never got involved when
she used to cheat on Mario.

I never fucking got involved
once,

I never opened my mouth,
I never said a word.

And she knows how well
me and Mario get on.

- Don't worry, I got this.

- Don't do anything stupid.

- Jesus Christ, it's
Arg, it ain't Mike Tyson.

- Don't do anything stupid.

- Gruesome threesome.

Can I have a quick word with
Arg?

- Go on boys, I'll give you a
shout.

- Yeah it's all right, you
haven't got to stand back there,

stand at the bar.

Sweet.

- Do you think?

What do you think?

- Why we gotta [murmurs].

- No, go on boys, it's fine.

Mario's my mate, so.

- We're having a one to one.

It's not like I'm having
a fucking conversation.

Fucking hell.

- Listen, for a boy, Mario, you
know the fucking truth yeah.

As much as you love Lucy, I know
you do.

She's your girlfriend
and you stick up for her.

- Yeah.

- But at the end of
the day, I'm your mate.

- Yeah you are my mate.

- And tell me now, don't just
talk shit,

tell me now what you think's
right

and what you think's wrong.

- Arg, the only thing you've
done wrong,

the only thing you've
done wrong, in my opinion,

you do not call a girl a slut.

Lydia ain't that sort of girl,
mate.

- Well she's done it, so
she is that sort of girl.

Not just that, wait two seconds
Diags.

Not just that, but Lydia
always goes on about

how she's different to
the other Essex girls.

At the end of the day,

she's proved to herself and to
everyone,

she's just the same as other
Essex girls, if not worse.

- Yeah.

- It's between him and Lydia,
all right.

And then Lucy come over

and it's putting the whole row
into--

- Yeah Lydia's her best
friend, she's got a point.

- Yeah I know, but, I'm--

- And I'm coming over,

I'm coming over to get
Arg's point of view.

- Yeah but Mario, I'm Arg's
friend,

but I don't go over to
Lydia and say stuff,

do you know what I mean?

I don't need to say.

- Yeah but Mario hasn't come
over here to have a go at me.

- No, I know, I know.

- He's come here as a friend.

- Yeah exactly.

- We're trying to enjoy
ourselves

and have a good night out.

We don't want to have to
start rowing all the time.

- We can, let's forget about it.

- We're not rowing.

We're having a chat.

- Sweet.

- Sweet.

- He's talking shit,

he's coming into something
he ain't involved in.

It's got nothing to do with,

nothing to fucking do with him
at all.

That's between you and Lydia.

- Thump his spotted
fucking face, that cunt.

Not Arg, shit-ags.

- He wants to stick his big nose
in,

and sort of fucking get
involved,

do you know what I mean?

That's all he wants to do.

[laughs]

- [Narrator] Next time
on The Only Way Is Essex.

[all laugh]

Will Bobby's boobs be the
definition of pecks appeal?

- I wanna join the booby club.

I wanna pair of pecks.

[laugh]

- [Narrator] Will Little Chris
inch ahead with the ladies?

- You'll get an extra good two,

two and a half inches, in them.

[laugh]

- [Narrator] And will Charlie
ever be Ricky's cup of tea?

- I feel, if I'm honest,

fucking mug written across my
head.

- [Narrator] Who knows,
these people are real.

And anything can happen
on The Only Way Is Essex.

[upbeat music]