All language subtitles for The.Only.Way.Is.Essex.S05E03.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-SLAG_track3_[eng]

cracked nips and the reveal
of Ricky's mystery texter.

The tans you see might be fake
but the people are all real,

although some of what
they do has been set up

purely for your entertainment.

Previously on "The Only Way is
Essex".

- Oh my God, that one's quite
dirty.

- Read the last one.

- Always up for being

a bit wild--
- If you are! [laughs]

- Now that is what you call an
entrance.

Now who wants to party?

[crowd cheering]
[upbeat music]

- That's stressing me out.

It's fucking embarrassing.

- That's [drowned out by music]
dancing.

- Would you fancy going out one
day

and doing something
like strawberry picking

or go feed the ducks?

- Not really.

[upbeat music]

[bright piano music]

- [Bobby] How lovely is this
Charlie,

just to have just a little
bit of chilled out time?

- [Charlie] We've been
going pretty hard recently,

haven't we Bobs?

We went for it the other night,
didn't we?

- Oh Charlie, I absolutely loved
that.

- I like to express myself

and I think dancing's a good
for of that, don't you think?

- When you're on the dance floor

it's like picking your parade
and showing what you've got.

Did Gemma tell you her
reaction kind of was

to the dance-off, did she love
it?

- Oh, I've got a funny feeling

she's a bit embarrassed about
it.

- [Bobby] Really, what do you
think

she can be a bit uptight then?

- [Charlie] I think so,
I think she's quite aware

of what other people might be
thinking.

- Are things moving in the right
direction

with you both now though?

Are you getting closer?

- We haven't sort of
progressed in that department,

you know, the intimacy
side of things still,

but at the end of the day I'm
just doing it my way, Bobs,

and that's just how I
feel with this situation.

- When you first get with
someone and it's the first time

it's meant to be a bit special.

You don't want to feel forced
into it

like in a carpark or something
like that,

do you know what I mean?

Just to please other people.

- Exactly.

- You don't want to go down
the dogging route, Charlie.

- [laughs] Have you ever dogged,
Bob?

- I'm never been a dogger, no.
[laughs]

I might have to start though.

Being single's getting to me
now.

- It's like lovely, do
you know what I mean,

you know, it's be great
to sorten things out

and maybe take her out and give
it effort,

but if I don't then
there's all these girls.

- Don't be putting it about in
her face.

- No I'm not, and I never would.

I've got too much respect
for Lisa like that.

But if it comes to marathon day
and I say them ah right Lis,

do you know what it'd be nice
for us to go out next week.

If she says no then I'm sorry
but I'm gonna start doing it.

How come you to are vajazzling

your running tops?

- Argent, it's all about the
bling.

We need to stand out as much as
we can.

Do you know what you're wearing
to run in?

- Well yeah, trainers, shorts
and top.

[Cara and Billi laughing]

- [Billi] Are you wearing a bum
bag?

- A what?

- [Both] A bum bag.

- Well I'm not gonna be bringing
my phone

and my keys and my money with
me.

- Of course you are.

When you go round you're
gonna have to have

some energy drinks and jelly
babies.

- They give that to
you when you run round.

- Your phone?

- I'm not gonna have my phone
with me

when I'm in the--
- iPod?

- Middle of a marathon, am I?

- Well what if we're
really far in front of you

and we need to ring you and
say like, "Where are you?

"'Cause we're at mile," like,
"24."

And you'll say like, "I'm at
mile 13."

We'll be like, uh.

If you don't have a phone
we don't know where you are.

- I don't want to meet you for a
pic stop,

and have a picnic, I'm just
gonna run,

I'm gonna run straight
and then just get there

as quick as I can.

Have you two had problems
with your nipples?

- No.

- I've literally run, not
even a couple of miles,

and my nipples have already
bled.

- What?
- What do you mean?

- Yeah, I've got a big cut I'll
show ya.

- Are you sure you want to show
us?

- [Arg] Look, there's a cut
right there.

- [Billi] Arg, that is gross.

- His burger nips are like
the size of mine. [laughs]

- If I'm getting cut nipples

just from running up and down my
road,

what am I gonna be like
when I run 26.2 miles?

- How do you think we feel?

You're lucky you ain't got a
set of these to worry about.

Mine are gonna be round my
ankles by the time I finish.

[Arg laughing]

[bright piano music]

- With your hair, would you
ever like change your style?

- I can't really, I'll tell you
for why.

- Why?
- I've had a fringe

since I was about 18.

I had an ex and in the heat of a
row

he turned round and said,

"Do you know your forehead
looks like a minge?"

[Charlie laughing]

And until I get Botox I'm really
paranoid

about this minge on me head.

- Why don't you put a perm in
it?

- Oh no, I can't do curly,
Charlie,

what with a minge and the pubes?

Can you imagine the look?
[laughs]

I've said I'm gonna go and help
Gem

with the Kaftans in a bit.

I've never been to a Kaftan
party before.

I'll be honest with you, I
don't know what a Kaftan is.

I think it's what the
ladies wear in like Dubai.

- [laughs] Really?

- You know where like
you cover head to toe?

That's a Kaftan.

- I thought it was a burqa, no?

[upbeat rock music]

- I was like the Titanic,
steamed in there,

and she was icebergs mate,

and I just went, as soon as
it says no it was literally,

it was a disaster, mate.

I like asked a question--

- [Ricky] What was the question?

- No I was like, "Do you
fancy like, just going out

"on a date strawberry picking
or--"

[Mario and Ricky laughing]

- But it's something different.

I used to love going strawberry
picking.

- When you were five?

- At one point I thought
she was gonna say yeah,

and I was like yeah, this
is good, I'm doing it.

I'm killing this.

And then like literally she was
like,

"Yeah, it's not really gonna
work."

But the thing is as well I was
like,

I haven't done anything wrong.

She had nothing to lose there,
mate.

Pretty much it's not like she's
got

blokes flocking for her, is she?

My confidence is gone.

I don't know what I did to
deserve it,

do you know what I mean,
like just be closed down.

I don't know if it's 'cause
like,

I dunno if she don't like
me, if I'm overweight,

or if she thinks I'm too short
for her.

- You are quite short.
- You are very short.

[group laughing]

- Chris, just remember mate,

there's plenty more
strawberries in the field yeah.

- Pick 'em. [laughs]

- You're such a knob, mate.

To be fair, I don't think Joey's
actually very happy with me

even approaching Frankie and
like going to talk to her.

- Listen, if you approached
my sister I'd slap ya.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- But mate, enough about me.

Joey's never happy with you
either.

The geezer's like--

- Most people are unhappy with
Ricky, he fucks everyone off.

Arg hates him [drowned
out by Chris protesting]

for talking to Sam.

- But obviously--

- You have got a bit of a thing
for, you know, Joey's exes.

I mean, Sam, Cara--
- You got with Jess

the other day.

What other girls you texting?

- I'm actually not texting
anyone except Jess now.

- And no girls are texting you,
yeah?

[group laughing]

[bright electronic music]

- Okay.

[camera clicking]

- Billi, your boobs look
massive in that top.

Pull it down and do this.

- [Billie] I'm more
worried about my camel toe.

- Good.
- You see, that one

you've got on is kind
of a lot more my style.

- I got there first.

Every time we do these shoots
you're like,

"I want that, that that,
that won't fit my boobs."

- Well I've compromised.

I've not exactly fit
my boobs well, have I?

- Oh amazing, lovely.

You look very hot in that, Sam.

- You might need a bit
of marge or a banana.

[guitar strumming]

- And then on this one, so now
strum down.

Up.
- E.

- This is E.

Eat all day.
- Eat all day.

- [Tom K] Get big elephant.

- Get big elephant, what
does it get big elephant?

- [Tom K] 'Cause you get fat.

- You get, yeah.

Big elephants can't
always use small exits.

- What's that, what? [laughs]

- That's because--
- Is that how

you spell because mate?

- That's how I spell because.

I can't spell because, that's
what I say.

- Shut up.
- Slow down.

- Digs, we need to move
the rest of your stuff

into your flat, don't we?

- Did you say Digs?

- What time have you gotta do
it?

- I dunno, in a couple of
hours I want to go round there

and start moving the rest of--

- Why does it stink so much of
cats?

- My fat doesn't smell like
cats.

- [Tom K] It is grim.

- It's called the cat flat.

- You have to wear like a mask

- Yeah, it is a cat flat.

You might as well get
pictures of cats everywhere.

Cat doormat, the lot.

- [Joey] I'm gonna be sick.

- Let me talk.

- Why did you buy a flat that
stinks?

- 'Cause we forced him to do it.

- It was like literally,
it was the only flat

that I could have done in three
days.

When everyone comes back
and everyone's drunk

and everyone wants to come back
to my flat

and everyone's like, they're
not gonna notice the cat smell.

They'll notice in the morning.

They'll be like, "What
the fuck's going on here?"

[group laughing]

- [Tom K] Do you think
we should start a band?

- [Tom P] I don't think we're
good enough.

- [Tom K] Why not?

- You reckon?

- Yeah, we're gonna sell
millions.

- [Tom P] We're gonna
set the world on fire.

- We're gonna crack America.

- Yeah?
- Cracking it.

- We're gonna sell out stadiums.

- We're gonna be called The
Boys.

- The Boys.
- The Boys.

[guitar strumming]

- [Tom P] Go on, go on sing.

- I'm not a performing monkey.

- Make up a song, can be the
songwriter.

- Yeah, you're the songwriter.

- Go on, show us what you've
got.

[group cheering]

[upbeat music]

- The shoot went well today
didn't it?

- I know, I love doing
mini-shoots.

That obviously gives us the
chance to see all the clothes.

- I've taken about five items
already.

- I bet you have, bagging
all the good outfits.

- Yeah but things don't fit your
boobs.

They're so big the zips don't do
up.

- Exactly, that's why should
let me have first pick

because then it's only equal and
fair

if I get to pick the things that
fit me.

- As soon as we started doing
these shoots

me and you have not done one
shoot without an argument.

- Now well I'm not surprised

because sometimes you
can be a bit selfish.

- Yeah but it's only 'cause
they don't fit you properly.

Oh yeah we've got Gemma's
party tonight haven't we?

- Yeah.

- I can't wait to see her range.

She said it is a mixture
of like beachwear,

like Kaftans, and actual
dresses.

- Yeah.
- It's gonna be

so awkward though 'cause
Ricky's gonna be there.

And like, with all the
texting and stuff like that

he needs to tell Jess if
anything.

If not, I'm gonna have to
say things sooner or later.

Do you know what I mean?

- I think you should because
the longer you leave it

the more it's gonna become

and the more it's gonna get
like, worse.

- Yeah exactly, it's just
gonna become really awkward.

- I think yeah, you should
have a word with him

and just tell him exactly what
you think,

exactly what, you know.

- I'm gonna tell him to stop it

'cause he's gonna cause
atmosphere, arguments.

- He'll probably get really
offended

'cause you know what he's like.

- Yeah but like, he has come
on the scene all of a sudden

and he's like trying to
be this player and stuff.

I think he just needs to
calm down a little bit,

do you know what I mean?

'Cause he's gonna cause
murders for everyone.

That's all.

I dunno I'll speak to
him tonight I suppose.

[upbeat music]

- I went with Charlie.

He come and had a little mani.

- What do you mean?

Mani, manicure?
- A little manicure.

Yeah, we had a manicure,
I had a head massage.

I just needed to get
rid of all my tensions,

all my built-up stress.

- What did he need to get rid
of?

His cuticles obviously.

- He needed his cuticles pushed
back.

- And is that normal
for a bloke to do that?

- Well I do that.

- Right, you're gay. [laughs]

- Mm, this is true.

- Like, I think you're spending
more time

with him than me me lately.

I dunno, I've got a bad
feeling about all this.

- Does it kind of bother you

how much I'm seeing him?

- It's just getting my back up a
bit.

- Do you know, when we was at
Sugar Hut

and we had that little dance and
stuff--

- That dance freaks me
out, I'm not being funny,

but it just turned me
off, I can't help it.

All of a sudden he's like
hopping around like, you know.

- Spinning round--

- Spinning round like Kylie
Minogue.

When I see him dance like that

it just made my noon turn to
stone.

But I'll give it a couple more
shots

and if I'm still not
feeling it I'll set him free

and he can go and find
the love of his life.

You never know, it might be you
Bob.

- Oh shut up.

- You shut up.

[Bobby laughing]

You know I've got so much on.

I've got my clothing launch
tonight,

my mum's in hospital.

You know, the one person I
want to be there is my mum

and she's got like,
pancreatitis.

- Oh bless her, is that bad?

- I think so.

- Oh gosh.
- It's not like near-death bad

but it's bad enough.

- She'll be there in spirit.

- Well she ain't dead yet, Bob.

[guitars strumming]

- What do you want to do
tonight?

Maybe we should go down
the pub or something.

- Yeah?

- I'm up for that.

- Do you know what, maybe we
should invite one of the girls,

one of the Laurens.
- Yeah, yeah.

- I had a little chat with them

at the Sugar Hut the other
night.

- Did ya?
- Yeah.

Well I did say, I spoke to
both of them at the bar.

- Then why don't you call
one of them or something?

- What now?

- Yeah do it.
- Right now.

- You got the bottle?
- I've got her number, mate.

If you want it you can do it.

[group laughing]

- Can't you make me do this now.

- It's calling.
- What?

- Oh, Tom's been forced.

- Shh, everyone shush.
[phone ringing]

As long as as she can hear you,
mate.

- Joey, are you all right?

- Hello Lauren.

- Hello.
- How's it going babe,

it's Tom.

- Oh, are you all right Tom?

- Yeah how are you?

- Yeah good thank you.

- What are you up to?

- Just in my salon at the
minute.

- I want to come down to the
salon soon.

- Come down for a spray tan.
[laughs]

- [Tom P] I've never had one
before.

- Do you ever do that?

- I don't want to look like
an oompa loompa though, do I?

- We could do like a man
manicure, stuff like that.

- Me and the boys are
going down to the pub today

and I was wondering if
you wanted to come along?

- What time are you going?

- Um, I dunno just some time
tonight.

Do you want me to, I'll text you

and let you know what time,
yeah?

- No, tell her the time now.

- [Tom P] Well I don't know
what time we're going yet.

- Don't be shy, do bits.

- Tell Joey to shut up
'cause I can't hear ya.

- She said tell the boys to shut
up.

- Sorry Lauren.

- All the boys are here,

we've just been playing a bit of
guitar.

Do you want us to sing to you?

- No, I don't want you to sing.

- I'm not singing to her down
the phone.

- It sounds like you're having a
party.

- Listen Lauren, shall
I text you what time

we're going tonight then, yeah?

- Yeah text me and I'll fix
it up with the girls, yeah?

- [Tom P] All right then babe,
cool.

- All right then, see you later.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Laters.

[group cheering]

[upbeat music]

- Get ahold of this for a
stretch.

Come on girls, just stretch out
the groin.

- No 'cause you'll split the
crotch.

- Stretch out them groins.

- [Arg] We've got a problem.

- [Group] What?

- Somebody's got a
nipple erection! [laughs]

- Piss off.

- Shall we get going?

We've only got a couple of days
left.

Have you even conditioned
yourselves for the marathon?

- I just stopped drinking
alcohol.

- Yeah I've drunk less alcohol.

- Less, that weren't hard for
you, was it.

- [Cara] Should we just do
some stretches while we talk?

- Okay, let's--
- Touch your toes Cara.

- I can, look.
- Yeah, go on.

- [Cara] Why are you laughing?

- [Arg] Eh hey!

[group laughing]

- [Billi] Stop looking at our
asses.

When you stretch you're too
busy looking at our asses.

- Can I just say, I am trying
to train for the marathon,

so let's get going.

- Yeah, we've gotta hurry up

'cause we need to have
a spray tan like tonight

and if it wears off I want
to top it up before the day.

- Are you gonna wear
makeup with marathon day?

- I'm not gonna wear
loads and loads of makeup

but I'll just wear
lashes, a bit of bronzer,

like lip gloss, eyebrows, and
that's it.

- [Cara] We've gotta look good.

- Well listen, if you two
are getting the spray tans

I'm gonna have another sunbed
then.

- [Ricardo] All right,
should we get going then?

[Cara and Billi laughing]

- Do you girls know about
Ricardo's reputation

of his huge penis?

- What, I didn't choose
it, I was just given it.

- You were happy though, isn't
ya?

- I feel a bit nauseous now
so should we start running?

- [Arg] You love it, Cara.

- Come on.

- You lead, Arg will be
at the back as usual.

[bright music]

- I reckon 13.

- 16, it's gotta be.

- Really?

- We'll go with like, 11, 10-11.

'Cause I've hard that he's
been doing like seven miles

and out of breath like [gasps],
breathing out his asshole.

- What if he actually finishes
it though?

- This is Arg mate, he ain't
gonna.

- I don't think he could.

[group laughing]

How about we make it a
bit more interesting,

we put a bullseye in each.

- 50--
- Yeah, 50 each

and whoever gets closest takes
it all.

- [Little Chris] Yeah, I'm up
for that.

- 50, 50 boys.
- 50 as well.

Just to clarify, this is
actually till he conks out.

- Yeah.
- Cool.

- Yeah 'cause I reckon he'll
walk loads

and then he'll get shin
splints or something

and then he'll just bow out.

- Fall over.

- And the chafing and everything

will just get too much I think.

- What is it with you, when
Arg's chaffing legs? [laughs]

- It is right, no not on his
legs,

his nipples and everything.

You like go red raw,
don't they, that's like--

- A couple of Arg's red raw
nipples.

- He's got quite big nipples.

They're quite, like an
orangutan.

- You are a strange little man.

[upbeat music]

- I just find their
relationship like, a bit odd.

- I thought Gemma went
for like, Tony Sopranos.

- Yeah I know.

- [Lydia] Do you know what I
mean?

- That's what I think.

- He's a bit different from
Mick Norcross, isn't he?

- [Lucy] I know!

- Bobby's been telling
me that he's kind of like

the third rung of their
relationship.

Like they both confide in him.

Like Gemma's been saying to him

that like, she wants a bit
more action from Charlie

and he feels like, he's kind
of like pig in the middle.

I do love Bobby though, he's so
funny.

- I love him to bits, he is
hilarious.

- He reminds me of like, now
that I've broke up with Arg,

my Mr. Big, he's like my
Stanford
that has just come along--

- My gay best friend.

- Yeah, and you've turned into
Charlotte.

[Lucy laughing]
You have.

- Oh my God, haven't I.

- You somewhat have.

- [Lucy] Oh my God, there's
Cara.

- Is that Cara in there
luminous?

Oh, and there's Arg.

Hi guys! [laughs]

Awkward.

- [Lucy] You look knackered, and
we don't.

I don't know how you do this.

- Hiya.
- Are you all right?

- Where are youse off
too, you having a walk?

- Yeah, walking the dogs.

I'm gonna be so cold.

- Better keep going 'cause our
legs

ain't gonna keep going again.

- See you later.
- See ya!

- See ya.
- Bye.

- The kitten's sprinting off.

- [Cara] Hey wait for us, hey!

- [Lucy] Awkward!

- At least it wasn't a
full-blown convo.

- Oh God.

He didn't say anything, did he?

- [Lydia] No, it's the gnashers,
he can't talk [laughs].

[upbeat music]

- All right come on girls,
we'd better get going,

so hurry up and get ready.

- Uncle Lauren.

- I can't wait to get there.

- I know, isn't it--
- Ooh!

- Hang on a minute, I just don't
want to be late, it's rude.

- Who else is going to the pub
with Tom?

- Diags, Joey and Tom K and P,

we're gonna have the best night.

- Oh Lauren, I really want you
to come.

- Oh, I was too tired.

- Don't be boring.

- Plus, I totally got dissed
by Tom, he chose Lauren, so.

[group laughing]

I'm not having it, I'm not
going.

- You're not having it, are you.

- No I'm not having it.
- Don't be silly.

- Are you attracted to him?

- No.

- [Chloe] He's good looking.

- Is he?
- Mm.

- Yeah.
- Hm.

- I like a bit of attention,

there's nothing wrong with that.

A bit of banter.

- [Chloe] I wonder if Ricky's
going.

- Ah, hang on a minute, why
do we want Ricky, Chloe?

- I'm just saying, it's a bit of
a shame

he's not going. [laughs]

[upbeat music]

- Oh it's all last minute.

I've gotta match all this
up with the jewellery.

What do you think of my summer
ocean club?

- I'm loving it.

I'm quite shocked at how
much you've got here.

- I've just gotta say
something to you though.

I feel really bad that I took
the piss

out of your dancing the other
day.

- I'm a fucking embarrassment
right?

- Yeah I did say that.

- That's what I heard.

What's it all about Gemma, I
don't get it.

- Well I was just embarrassed.

I've never seen you dance
like that, I was in shock.

But when we went dancing
we sort of danced like this

and then you started dancing
like this

and I just got a bit jealous I
think.

- All I did was get up and
dance to a song that I like.

There's no issue with it.

- All right, so I'm just
saying I'm in the wrong,

I'm apologising to you.

- Look, forget about it.

- And I don't ever want to upset
you

'cause I look at your face
and I just love you to bits.

- Apology accepted, but
this ain't the time or place

to be talking about this, all
right?

So come here.
- No, I know.

Can I just say one more thing,

and you can say no if you want.

- Yeah.

- Can I take you out on a date?

- Definitely, you tell
me where I'll be there.

- So we're in love again, yeah?

- Let's do it.

- Shut up, you're meant to say
yes!

- Love is a new level, my
darling.

[upbeat electronic music]

- It's gonna be fun, don't you
think?

- I can imagine, 'cause it's
Gem's

it'll be all bright colours,
curvy girls, OTT Essex.

- Yeah, this is our like
mini London Fashion Week.

We've got Gok Wan over there.

[both laughing]

Do you know what I mean?

[upbeat music]

[audience applauding]

- I just want to say
thank you all for coming

to my fashion event.

Obviously it is a little bit sad

that my mum's not here today

but do you know what I
mean, what can you do?

I am obviously a plus-sized
girl.

I've tried every diet,
it never works for me.

There's lots of girls in
Essex that are not a size six

or 10 or 12, it's all
about being plus-sized

and I'm gonna show you all
tonight.

[audience cheering]

[upbeat music]

- Gemma said to me that
she's done 'em from 14 to 32.

- 32?
- 32.

- What size is that?

- It's quite refreshing to see
someone

with a bit of meat on 'em innit?

- I don't really like them
skinny girls

that have got nothing, you know,

I like a bit of, do you
know, like [grunts].

- Do you know what I mean,
sort of grab and like.

- Yeah, just grab onto 'em,
do you know what I mean?

- Give her a little slap.

- I like a bit of meat on my
ribs.

- [Cara] I like that one.

- I love that one.

- That is a bit you, Bil.

- Yeah I love--

- Actually she looks
like you from the back.

It's your hair, look.

- Cara.
- What?

[both laughing]

- There's you.
- Hmm.

- You fancy Lauren G., you fancy
Lauren G.

- Shut up.

- When's your girlfriend
getting here then?

- My girlfriend?

She ain't my girlfriend, but
they should be here by now.

- I've got a good one, all
right?

What would you rather do
for the rest of your life,

have to wear Ricky Ramon creased
suits,

like you've never seen
an iron in your life,

or have Mario's nose.

[group laughing]

- I'd obviously get Mario's
nose, then I'd get a nose job.

[group laughing]

- Oi, you bitch.

- Would you rather shag Billi

the next year as many times as
you want,

and then never have sex again,

or for the rest of your
life on your birthday

you shag one girl a year, and
that's it.

- Come on mate.

- Sex for a year.

- Sex with Billi for the year?
- Yeah, for the whole year.

- Good answer, son.

How are you getting on
with her recently, anyway?

- All right.

It's just, well, awkward
isn't it, 'cause of my sister.

Yeah but it's been like that
the whole time isn't it?

- I know but it's double
'cause--

- Surely you knew it was
gonna be like that though

when you got your sister's best
mate.

- I didn't think, do you know
what I mean,

I thought we could get past it,

but then when it actually
happens you realise

this is getting way too awkward.

- That is hard, man.
- It's hard.

It's hard.
- What so you're finishing it?

- I could never do that, man.

'Cause I don't want to upset my
sister,

do you know what I mean?

- I genuinely do not
think that Cara would care

if you split up with Billi.

[upbeat electronic music]

[audience applauding]

- I just want to say thank you
all for coming to support me.

All my friends, it means so
much.

Thank you to Charlie,

and I just think we've gotta
party now

and just have it large.

[audience applauding]

- So what's your ideal date
with a woman then, go on.

- You.

[Jess laughs]

No location?

- Here, now, you.

- I just think all being
under the same roof today,

can you just feel the
awkwardness of it?

- [Lydia] There is a bit of
tension.

- And everyone knows.

- I don't think Jess knows.

- Does she not?
- No.

But I have actually seen
messages.

- [Lydia] I've seen the text
messages from Ricky's phone.

- What have you seen?

- One of the messages went along
the lines of sort of quote,

"I've got a bit of a
wild side if you have,"

question mark, wink.

- Well I have seen something
to do with badgers.

- [Lydia] What, like the animal?

- The animal.

- What has badgers got to do
with it?

Maybe that's a code name
for the old vajayjay.

- It's gotta be something to
feel.

- Or maybe it's like a badger in
a hole.

- But I just think, secrets
never stay secrets do they?

- In Essex nothing's staying
secret.

- Where is she anyway?

- I think she's at Gemma's
thing, yeah?

- It's a Kaftan party.

- Why is she at a caf?

- Not, Joe.
- Kaftan.

- Gemma's got a caf?

Why would you open a caf?

It's hard opening a caf, isn't
it?

It's just like, it's not good is
it?

- I'm not trying to act stupid
here

but I don't actually
know what Kaftan means.

- Kaftan's like them blanket
things.

- Yeah I know, I know,
she's having a blanket race.

- She's not having a blanket
race.

She's have a--

- She's having a Kaftan party.

- [Joey] Why do you say
she's having a blanket party?

Why a caf?

- It's called a Kaftan.

- The word Kaftan doesn't
mean anything to me.

Do you know what I mean?

It's like me saying--

- Because you're a pile of poo

and you don't understand
anything.

[group laughing]

- [Joey] All right.

- Hello!

- Hi girls.
- Girls.

- [Lauren] Go for it babe.

- How are you going?
- Thanks, mwah.

- I need one today seeing
Georgina.

[group laughing]

- You haven't drunk all
these beers have ya?

- We've been playing a
drinking game, haven't we?

- What would you rather?
- What would you rather?

- And I said what would you
rather?

- What would your rather,

like get with Diags or get with
Tom?

- Oh.

- If you had to snog
one of them right now,

you have to ask them that.

- Would you rather get
with Diags or get with Tom?

- Diags.

- [Group] Whoa!

- [Joey] What the fuck?

[upbeat music]

- All right Rick?

- Oh hello.

- How are you?

Mwah, I've been looking
for you all evening.

- Good.

- Glad I've got you on me own.

- Really?
- Yes.

You've been bad, haven't you?

I know and pretty much everyone
knows

you've been texting someone
else.

- No, no, no, no, get it right.

Everyone knows that
someone's been texting me.

- Yeah but at the same time--

- 'Cause you know, innit,

so you know and you've seen the
messages.

- But you've gotta understand as
well--

- For that to be saying as
if I'm texting back I'm, nup.

- Yeah but what you have
to understand as well

obviously being Jess' friend,
you have to respect Jess.

'Cause I know you like Jess.

- Hold on a second.

If someone's gonna message me

I don't want to get in the
firing line

because they're messaging me.

- Well maybe you--
- She's horny innit.

So when you're horny
you say a lot of things

that you don't want to say.

- Yeah but maybe you've said
something.

- I was hoping I wouldn't
have to say something,

I could let it go away.

- But everyone knows about it
now.

- Only one or two texts.
- Exactly.

- You can tell her that anyway.

- But you are like a big flirt,

and we have led you on a little
bit.

- No, no way.

- And you have replied to the
messages.

- No way, no way.
- Yes you have!

- [Ricky] There's no
chance, I wouldn't need to.

- All right well.

- I'm only interested in one
person.

Jess, that's it.

- You've seriously gotta say
something.

Everyone's waiting, everyone's
talking, gossiping about it.

But unless you say it, like I
will.

- All right, I'll go do it.

Thanks for the advice, if
you call it that, sweet.

- I've had such a good night,
thanks for inviting me.

- I'm glad you came.

- Yeah. [laughs]

- You look nice tonight anyway.

- Oh, thank you.

Yeah, you look nice.

- Yeah?

- [Lauren G] Dressed cool, bit
of swagger.

- But you're not seeing
anyone at the moment?

- No, I'm not seeing anyone,
single.

- So what sort of boys
do you normally go for?

- I usually like guys with
dark hair and blue eyes.

- Yeah?
- Mm.

- Are you just saying that

because I've got dark hair and
blue eyes?

- No I actually do.

I think that's classed as like
beautiful.

- Do you?
- Yeah.

- So what, do you think I'm
beautiful?

[Lauren laughs]

Do you reckon we could do it
again?

- Yeah definitely, yeah.
- Another time.

You and the girls or just me and
you?

- Ooh no, I think you're
really nice and stuff,

that you're a really cool guy,

but at the minute I think
I'm just like single

and just looking to get to
know guys as friends and stuff.

- You don't think we know
each other well enough yet?

- Not yet.

So I would definitely do it
again

but I'd like to bring the girls
with me.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

- That's all right.
- For a date. [laughs]

- So am I allowed a kiss on the
cheek?

- Yeah.
- Just a little one.

- Mwah.
- And the other cheek as well?

- Mwah.

- How about one on the lips as
well?

- No.

[both laughing]

- [Tom P] I didn't think so.

- No.

[upbeat electronic music]

- Hello.

Listen, I wanted to talk to
you about these messages.

You know I'm seeing Jess, like
she's one of your friends.

Everyone's been talking about it
tonight,

so I just want it to end
here, right, that's it.

- [Announcer] Next time on
"The Only Way is Essex".

Will Arg's nipples crack under
the pressure of the marathon?

- [Arg] Have you two had
problems with your nipples?

- No.

- Somebody's got a
nipple erection! [laughs]

- [Announcer] Will cat wee
rocket to the top of the charts?

- [Announcer] And will the
ladies of Essex

ever stop badgering Ricky?

- I have seen something
to do with badgers.

Maybe it's like a badger in a
hole.

- [Announcer] Who knows?

These people are real
and anything can happen

on "The Only Way is Essex".

[upbeat music]