Original subtitles

cracked nips and the reveal of Ricky's mystery texter.

The tans you see might be fake but the people are all real,

although some of what they do has been set up

purely for your entertainment.

Previously on "The Only Way is Essex".

- Oh my God, that one's quite dirty.

- Read the last one.

- Always up for being

a bit wild-- - If you are! [laughs]

- Now that is what you call an entrance.

Now who wants to party?

[crowd cheering] [upbeat music]

- That's stressing me out.

It's fucking embarrassing.

- That's [drowned out by music] dancing.

- Would you fancy going out one day

and doing something like strawberry picking

or go feed the ducks?

- Not really.

[upbeat music]

[bright piano music]

- [Bobby] How lovely is this Charlie,

just to have just a little bit of chilled out time?

- [Charlie] We've been going pretty hard recently,

haven't we Bobs?

We went for it the other night, didn't we?

- Oh Charlie, I absolutely loved that.

- I like to express myself

and I think dancing's a good for of that, don't you think?

- When you're on the dance floor

it's like picking your parade and showing what you've got.

Did Gemma tell you her reaction kind of was

to the dance-off, did she love it?

- Oh, I've got a funny feeling

she's a bit embarrassed about it.

- [Bobby] Really, what do you think

she can be a bit uptight then?

- [Charlie] I think so, I think she's quite aware

of what other people might be thinking.

- Are things moving in the right direction

with you both now though?

Are you getting closer?

- We haven't sort of progressed in that department,

you know, the intimacy side of things still,

but at the end of the day I'm just doing it my way, Bobs,

and that's just how I feel with this situation.

- When you first get with someone and it's the first time

it's meant to be a bit special.

You don't want to feel forced into it

like in a carpark or something like that,

do you know what I mean?

Just to please other people.

- Exactly.

- You don't want to go down the dogging route, Charlie.

- [laughs] Have you ever dogged, Bob?

- I'm never been a dogger, no. [laughs]

I might have to start though.

Being single's getting to me now.

- It's like lovely, do you know what I mean,

you know, it's be great to sorten things out

and maybe take her out and give it effort,

but if I don't then there's all these girls.

- Don't be putting it about in her face.

- No I'm not, and I never would.

I've got too much respect for Lisa like that.

But if it comes to marathon day and I say them ah right Lis,

do you know what it'd be nice for us to go out next week.

If she says no then I'm sorry but I'm gonna start doing it.

How come you to are vajazzling

your running tops?

- Argent, it's all about the bling.

We need to stand out as much as we can.

Do you know what you're wearing to run in?

- Well yeah, trainers, shorts and top.

[Cara and Billi laughing]

- [Billi] Are you wearing a bum bag?

- A what?

- [Both] A bum bag.

- Well I'm not gonna be bringing my phone

and my keys and my money with me.

- Of course you are.

When you go round you're gonna have to have

some energy drinks and jelly babies.

- They give that to you when you run round.

- Your phone?

- I'm not gonna have my phone with me

when I'm in the-- - iPod?

- Middle of a marathon, am I?

- Well what if we're really far in front of you

and we need to ring you and say like, "Where are you?

"'Cause we're at mile," like, "24."

And you'll say like, "I'm at mile 13."

We'll be like, uh.

If you don't have a phone we don't know where you are.

- I don't want to meet you for a pic stop,

and have a picnic, I'm just gonna run,

I'm gonna run straight and then just get there

as quick as I can.

Have you two had problems with your nipples?

- No.

- I've literally run, not even a couple of miles,

and my nipples have already bled.

- What? - What do you mean?

- Yeah, I've got a big cut I'll show ya.

- Are you sure you want to show us?

- [Arg] Look, there's a cut right there.

- [Billi] Arg, that is gross.

- His burger nips are like the size of mine. [laughs]

- If I'm getting cut nipples

just from running up and down my road,

what am I gonna be like when I run 26.2 miles?

- How do you think we feel?

You're lucky you ain't got a set of these to worry about.

Mine are gonna be round my ankles by the time I finish.

[Arg laughing]

[bright piano music]

- With your hair, would you ever like change your style?

- I can't really, I'll tell you for why.

- Why? - I've had a fringe

since I was about 18.

I had an ex and in the heat of a row

he turned round and said,

"Do you know your forehead looks like a minge?"

[Charlie laughing]

And until I get Botox I'm really paranoid

about this minge on me head.

- Why don't you put a perm in it?

- Oh no, I can't do curly, Charlie,

what with a minge and the pubes?

Can you imagine the look? [laughs]

I've said I'm gonna go and help Gem

with the Kaftans in a bit.

I've never been to a Kaftan party before.

I'll be honest with you, I don't know what a Kaftan is.

I think it's what the ladies wear in like Dubai.

- [laughs] Really?

- You know where like you cover head to toe?

That's a Kaftan.

- I thought it was a burqa, no?

[upbeat rock music]

- I was like the Titanic, steamed in there,

and she was icebergs mate,

and I just went, as soon as it says no it was literally,

it was a disaster, mate.

I like asked a question--

- [Ricky] What was the question?

- No I was like, "Do you fancy like, just going out

"on a date strawberry picking or--"

[Mario and Ricky laughing]

- But it's something different.

I used to love going strawberry picking.

- When you were five?

- At one point I thought she was gonna say yeah,

and I was like yeah, this is good, I'm doing it.

I'm killing this.

And then like literally she was like,

"Yeah, it's not really gonna work."

But the thing is as well I was like,

I haven't done anything wrong.

She had nothing to lose there, mate.

Pretty much it's not like she's got

blokes flocking for her, is she?

My confidence is gone.

I don't know what I did to deserve it,

do you know what I mean, like just be closed down.

I don't know if it's 'cause like,

I dunno if she don't like me, if I'm overweight,

or if she thinks I'm too short for her.

- You are quite short. - You are very short.

[group laughing]

- Chris, just remember mate,

there's plenty more strawberries in the field yeah.

- Pick 'em. [laughs]

- You're such a knob, mate.

To be fair, I don't think Joey's actually very happy with me

even approaching Frankie and like going to talk to her.

- Listen, if you approached my sister I'd slap ya.

- Really? - Yeah.

- But mate, enough about me.

Joey's never happy with you either.

The geezer's like--

- Most people are unhappy with Ricky, he fucks everyone off.

Arg hates him [drowned out by Chris protesting]

for talking to Sam.

- But obviously--

- You have got a bit of a thing for, you know, Joey's exes.

I mean, Sam, Cara-- - You got with Jess

the other day.

What other girls you texting?

- I'm actually not texting anyone except Jess now.

- And no girls are texting you, yeah?

[group laughing]

[bright electronic music]

- Okay.

[camera clicking]

- Billi, your boobs look massive in that top.

Pull it down and do this.

- [Billie] I'm more worried about my camel toe.

- Good. - You see, that one

you've got on is kind of a lot more my style.

- I got there first.

Every time we do these shoots you're like,

"I want that, that that, that won't fit my boobs."

- Well I've compromised.

I've not exactly fit my boobs well, have I?

- Oh amazing, lovely.

You look very hot in that, Sam.

- You might need a bit of marge or a banana.

[guitar strumming]

- And then on this one, so now strum down.

Up. - E.

- This is E.

Eat all day. - Eat all day.

- [Tom K] Get big elephant.

- Get big elephant, what does it get big elephant?

- [Tom K] 'Cause you get fat.

- You get, yeah.

Big elephants can't always use small exits.

- What's that, what? [laughs]

- That's because-- - Is that how

you spell because mate?

- That's how I spell because.

I can't spell because, that's what I say.

- Shut up. - Slow down.

- Digs, we need to move the rest of your stuff

into your flat, don't we?

- Did you say Digs?

- What time have you gotta do it?

- I dunno, in a couple of hours I want to go round there

and start moving the rest of--

- Why does it stink so much of cats?

- My fat doesn't smell like cats.

- [Tom K] It is grim.

- It's called the cat flat.

- You have to wear like a mask

- Yeah, it is a cat flat.

You might as well get pictures of cats everywhere.

Cat doormat, the lot.

- [Joey] I'm gonna be sick.

- Let me talk.

- Why did you buy a flat that stinks?

- 'Cause we forced him to do it.

- It was like literally, it was the only flat

that I could have done in three days.

When everyone comes back and everyone's drunk

and everyone wants to come back to my flat

and everyone's like, they're not gonna notice the cat smell.

They'll notice in the morning.

They'll be like, "What the fuck's going on here?"

[group laughing]

- [Tom K] Do you think we should start a band?

- [Tom P] I don't think we're good enough.

- [Tom K] Why not?

- You reckon?

- Yeah, we're gonna sell millions.

- [Tom P] We're gonna set the world on fire.

- We're gonna crack America.

- Yeah? - Cracking it.

- We're gonna sell out stadiums.

- We're gonna be called The Boys.

- The Boys. - The Boys.

[guitar strumming]

- [Tom P] Go on, go on sing.

- I'm not a performing monkey.

- Make up a song, can be the songwriter.

- Yeah, you're the songwriter.

- Go on, show us what you've got.

[group cheering]

[upbeat music]

- The shoot went well today didn't it?

- I know, I love doing mini-shoots.

That obviously gives us the chance to see all the clothes.

- I've taken about five items already.

- I bet you have, bagging all the good outfits.

- Yeah but things don't fit your boobs.

They're so big the zips don't do up.

- Exactly, that's why should let me have first pick

because then it's only equal and fair

if I get to pick the things that fit me.

- As soon as we started doing these shoots

me and you have not done one shoot without an argument.

- Now well I'm not surprised

because sometimes you can be a bit selfish.

- Yeah but it's only 'cause they don't fit you properly.

Oh yeah we've got Gemma's party tonight haven't we?

- Yeah.

- I can't wait to see her range.

She said it is a mixture of like beachwear,

like Kaftans, and actual dresses.

- Yeah. - It's gonna be

so awkward though 'cause Ricky's gonna be there.

And like, with all the texting and stuff like that

he needs to tell Jess if anything.

If not, I'm gonna have to say things sooner or later.

Do you know what I mean?

- I think you should because the longer you leave it

the more it's gonna become

and the more it's gonna get like, worse.

- Yeah exactly, it's just gonna become really awkward.

- I think yeah, you should have a word with him

and just tell him exactly what you think,

exactly what, you know.

- I'm gonna tell him to stop it

'cause he's gonna cause atmosphere, arguments.

- He'll probably get really offended

'cause you know what he's like.

- Yeah but like, he has come on the scene all of a sudden

and he's like trying to be this player and stuff.

I think he just needs to calm down a little bit,

do you know what I mean?

'Cause he's gonna cause murders for everyone.

That's all.

I dunno I'll speak to him tonight I suppose.

[upbeat music]

- I went with Charlie.

He come and had a little mani.

- What do you mean?

Mani, manicure? - A little manicure.

Yeah, we had a manicure, I had a head massage.

I just needed to get rid of all my tensions,

all my built-up stress.

- What did he need to get rid of?

His cuticles obviously.

- He needed his cuticles pushed back.

- And is that normal for a bloke to do that?

- Well I do that.

- Right, you're gay. [laughs]

- Mm, this is true.

- Like, I think you're spending more time

with him than me me lately.

I dunno, I've got a bad feeling about all this.

- Does it kind of bother you

how much I'm seeing him?

- It's just getting my back up a bit.

- Do you know, when we was at Sugar Hut

and we had that little dance and stuff--

- That dance freaks me out, I'm not being funny,

but it just turned me off, I can't help it.

All of a sudden he's like hopping around like, you know.

- Spinning round--

- Spinning round like Kylie Minogue.

When I see him dance like that

it just made my noon turn to stone.

But I'll give it a couple more shots

and if I'm still not feeling it I'll set him free

and he can go and find the love of his life.

You never know, it might be you Bob.

- Oh shut up.

- You shut up.

[Bobby laughing]

You know I've got so much on.

I've got my clothing launch tonight,

my mum's in hospital.

You know, the one person I want to be there is my mum

and she's got like, pancreatitis.

- Oh bless her, is that bad?

- I think so.

- Oh gosh. - It's not like near-death bad

but it's bad enough.

- She'll be there in spirit.

- Well she ain't dead yet, Bob.

[guitars strumming]

- What do you want to do tonight?

Maybe we should go down the pub or something.

- Yeah?

- I'm up for that.

- Do you know what, maybe we should invite one of the girls,

one of the Laurens. - Yeah, yeah.

- I had a little chat with them

at the Sugar Hut the other night.

- Did ya? - Yeah.

Well I did say, I spoke to both of them at the bar.

- Then why don't you call one of them or something?

- What now?

- Yeah do it. - Right now.

- You got the bottle? - I've got her number, mate.

If you want it you can do it.

[group laughing]

- Can't you make me do this now.

- It's calling. - What?

- Oh, Tom's been forced.

- Shh, everyone shush. [phone ringing]

As long as as she can hear you, mate.

- Joey, are you all right?

- Hello Lauren.

- Hello. - How's it going babe,

it's Tom.

- Oh, are you all right Tom?

- Yeah how are you?

- Yeah good thank you.

- What are you up to?

- Just in my salon at the minute.

- I want to come down to the salon soon.

- Come down for a spray tan. [laughs]

- [Tom P] I've never had one before.

- Do you ever do that?

- I don't want to look like an oompa loompa though, do I?

- We could do like a man manicure, stuff like that.

- Me and the boys are going down to the pub today

and I was wondering if you wanted to come along?

- What time are you going?

- Um, I dunno just some time tonight.

Do you want me to, I'll text you

and let you know what time, yeah?

- No, tell her the time now.

- [Tom P] Well I don't know what time we're going yet.

- Don't be shy, do bits.

- Tell Joey to shut up 'cause I can't hear ya.

- She said tell the boys to shut up.

- Sorry Lauren.

- All the boys are here,

we've just been playing a bit of guitar.

Do you want us to sing to you?

- No, I don't want you to sing.

- I'm not singing to her down the phone.

- It sounds like you're having a party.

- Listen Lauren, shall I text you what time

we're going tonight then, yeah?

- Yeah text me and I'll fix it up with the girls, yeah?

- [Tom P] All right then babe, cool.

- All right then, see you later.

- Bye. - Bye.

- Laters.

[group cheering]

[upbeat music]

- Get ahold of this for a stretch.

Come on girls, just stretch out the groin.

- No 'cause you'll split the crotch.

- Stretch out them groins.

- [Arg] We've got a problem.

- [Group] What?

- Somebody's got a nipple erection! [laughs]

- Piss off.

- Shall we get going?

We've only got a couple of days left.

Have you even conditioned yourselves for the marathon?

- I just stopped drinking alcohol.

- Yeah I've drunk less alcohol.

- Less, that weren't hard for you, was it.

- [Cara] Should we just do some stretches while we talk?

- Okay, let's-- - Touch your toes Cara.

- I can, look. - Yeah, go on.

- [Cara] Why are you laughing?

- [Arg] Eh hey!

[group laughing]

- [Billi] Stop looking at our asses.

When you stretch you're too busy looking at our asses.

- Can I just say, I am trying to train for the marathon,

so let's get going.

- Yeah, we've gotta hurry up

'cause we need to have a spray tan like tonight

and if it wears off I want to top it up before the day.

- Are you gonna wear makeup with marathon day?

- I'm not gonna wear loads and loads of makeup

but I'll just wear lashes, a bit of bronzer,

like lip gloss, eyebrows, and that's it.

- [Cara] We've gotta look good.

- Well listen, if you two are getting the spray tans

I'm gonna have another sunbed then.

- [Ricardo] All right, should we get going then?

[Cara and Billi laughing]

- Do you girls know about Ricardo's reputation

of his huge penis?

- What, I didn't choose it, I was just given it.

- You were happy though, isn't ya?

- I feel a bit nauseous now so should we start running?

- [Arg] You love it, Cara.

- Come on.

- You lead, Arg will be at the back as usual.

[bright music]

- I reckon 13.

- 16, it's gotta be.

- Really?

- We'll go with like, 11, 10-11.

'Cause I've hard that he's been doing like seven miles

and out of breath like [gasps], breathing out his asshole.

- What if he actually finishes it though?

- This is Arg mate, he ain't gonna.

- I don't think he could.

[group laughing]

How about we make it a bit more interesting,

we put a bullseye in each.

- 50-- - Yeah, 50 each

and whoever gets closest takes it all.

- [Little Chris] Yeah, I'm up for that.

- 50, 50 boys. - 50 as well.

Just to clarify, this is actually till he conks out.

- Yeah. - Cool.

- Yeah 'cause I reckon he'll walk loads

and then he'll get shin splints or something

and then he'll just bow out.

- Fall over.

- And the chafing and everything

will just get too much I think.

- What is it with you, when Arg's chaffing legs? [laughs]

- It is right, no not on his legs,

his nipples and everything.

You like go red raw, don't they, that's like--

- A couple of Arg's red raw nipples.

- He's got quite big nipples.

They're quite, like an orangutan.

- You are a strange little man.

[upbeat music]

- I just find their relationship like, a bit odd.

- I thought Gemma went for like, Tony Sopranos.

- Yeah I know.

- [Lydia] Do you know what I mean?

- That's what I think.

- He's a bit different from Mick Norcross, isn't he?

- [Lucy] I know!

- Bobby's been telling me that he's kind of like

the third rung of their relationship.

Like they both confide in him.

Like Gemma's been saying to him

that like, she wants a bit more action from Charlie

and he feels like, he's kind of like pig in the middle.

I do love Bobby though, he's so funny.

- I love him to bits, he is hilarious.

- He reminds me of like, now that I've broke up with Arg,

my Mr. Big, he's like my Stanford that has just come along--

- My gay best friend.

- Yeah, and you've turned into Charlotte.

[Lucy laughing] You have.

- Oh my God, haven't I.

- You somewhat have.

- [Lucy] Oh my God, there's Cara.

- Is that Cara in there luminous?

Oh, and there's Arg.

Hi guys! [laughs]

Awkward.

- [Lucy] You look knackered, and we don't.

I don't know how you do this.

- Hiya. - Are you all right?

- Where are youse off too, you having a walk?

- Yeah, walking the dogs.

I'm gonna be so cold.

- Better keep going 'cause our legs

ain't gonna keep going again.

- See you later. - See ya!

- See ya. - Bye.

- The kitten's sprinting off.

- [Cara] Hey wait for us, hey!

- [Lucy] Awkward!

- At least it wasn't a full-blown convo.

- Oh God.

He didn't say anything, did he?

- [Lydia] No, it's the gnashers, he can't talk [laughs].

[upbeat music]

- All right come on girls, we'd better get going,

so hurry up and get ready.

- Uncle Lauren.

- I can't wait to get there.

- I know, isn't it-- - Ooh!

- Hang on a minute, I just don't want to be late, it's rude.

- Who else is going to the pub with Tom?

- Diags, Joey and Tom K and P,

we're gonna have the best night.

- Oh Lauren, I really want you to come.

- Oh, I was too tired.

- Don't be boring.

- Plus, I totally got dissed by Tom, he chose Lauren, so.

[group laughing]

I'm not having it, I'm not going.

- You're not having it, are you.

- No I'm not having it. - Don't be silly.

- Are you attracted to him?

- No.

- [Chloe] He's good looking.

- Is he? - Mm.

- Yeah. - Hm.

- I like a bit of attention,

there's nothing wrong with that.

A bit of banter.

- [Chloe] I wonder if Ricky's going.

- Ah, hang on a minute, why do we want Ricky, Chloe?

- I'm just saying, it's a bit of a shame

he's not going. [laughs]

[upbeat music]

- Oh it's all last minute.

I've gotta match all this up with the jewellery.

What do you think of my summer ocean club?

- I'm loving it.

I'm quite shocked at how much you've got here.

- I've just gotta say something to you though.

I feel really bad that I took the piss

out of your dancing the other day.

- I'm a fucking embarrassment right?

- Yeah I did say that.

- That's what I heard.

What's it all about Gemma, I don't get it.

- Well I was just embarrassed.

I've never seen you dance like that, I was in shock.

But when we went dancing we sort of danced like this

and then you started dancing like this

and I just got a bit jealous I think.

- All I did was get up and dance to a song that I like.

There's no issue with it.

- All right, so I'm just saying I'm in the wrong,

I'm apologising to you.

- Look, forget about it.

- And I don't ever want to upset you

'cause I look at your face and I just love you to bits.

- Apology accepted, but this ain't the time or place

to be talking about this, all right?

So come here. - No, I know.

Can I just say one more thing,

and you can say no if you want.

- Yeah.

- Can I take you out on a date?

- Definitely, you tell me where I'll be there.

- So we're in love again, yeah?

- Let's do it.

- Shut up, you're meant to say yes!

- Love is a new level, my darling.

[upbeat electronic music]

- It's gonna be fun, don't you think?

- I can imagine, 'cause it's Gem's

it'll be all bright colours, curvy girls, OTT Essex.

- Yeah, this is our like mini London Fashion Week.

We've got Gok Wan over there.

[both laughing]

Do you know what I mean?

[upbeat music]

[audience applauding]

- I just want to say thank you all for coming

to my fashion event.

Obviously it is a little bit sad

that my mum's not here today

but do you know what I mean, what can you do?

I am obviously a plus-sized girl.

I've tried every diet, it never works for me.

There's lots of girls in Essex that are not a size six

or 10 or 12, it's all about being plus-sized

and I'm gonna show you all tonight.

[audience cheering]

[upbeat music]

- Gemma said to me that she's done 'em from 14 to 32.

- 32? - 32.

- What size is that?

- It's quite refreshing to see someone

with a bit of meat on 'em innit?

- I don't really like them skinny girls

that have got nothing, you know,

I like a bit of, do you know, like [grunts].

- Do you know what I mean, sort of grab and like.

- Yeah, just grab onto 'em, do you know what I mean?

- Give her a little slap.

- I like a bit of meat on my ribs.

- [Cara] I like that one.

- I love that one.

- That is a bit you, Bil.

- Yeah I love--

- Actually she looks like you from the back.

It's your hair, look.

- Cara. - What?

[both laughing]

- There's you. - Hmm.

- You fancy Lauren G., you fancy Lauren G.

- Shut up.

- When's your girlfriend getting here then?

- My girlfriend?

She ain't my girlfriend, but they should be here by now.

- I've got a good one, all right?

What would you rather do for the rest of your life,

have to wear Ricky Ramon creased suits,

like you've never seen an iron in your life,

or have Mario's nose.

[group laughing]

- I'd obviously get Mario's nose, then I'd get a nose job.

[group laughing]

- Oi, you bitch.

- Would you rather shag Billi

the next year as many times as you want,

and then never have sex again,

or for the rest of your life on your birthday

you shag one girl a year, and that's it.

- Come on mate.

- Sex for a year.

- Sex with Billi for the year? - Yeah, for the whole year.

- Good answer, son.

How are you getting on with her recently, anyway?

- All right.

It's just, well, awkward isn't it, 'cause of my sister.

Yeah but it's been like that the whole time isn't it?

- I know but it's double 'cause--

- Surely you knew it was gonna be like that though

when you got your sister's best mate.

- I didn't think, do you know what I mean,

I thought we could get past it,

but then when it actually happens you realise

this is getting way too awkward.

- That is hard, man. - It's hard.

It's hard. - What so you're finishing it?

- I could never do that, man.

'Cause I don't want to upset my sister,

do you know what I mean?

- I genuinely do not think that Cara would care

if you split up with Billi.

[upbeat electronic music]

[audience applauding]

- I just want to say thank you all for coming to support me.

All my friends, it means so much.

Thank you to Charlie,

and I just think we've gotta party now

and just have it large.

[audience applauding]

- So what's your ideal date with a woman then, go on.

- You.

[Jess laughs]

No location?

- Here, now, you.

- I just think all being under the same roof today,

can you just feel the awkwardness of it?

- [Lydia] There is a bit of tension.

- And everyone knows.

- I don't think Jess knows.

- Does she not? - No.

But I have actually seen messages.

- [Lydia] I've seen the text messages from Ricky's phone.

- What have you seen?

- One of the messages went along the lines of sort of quote,

"I've got a bit of a wild side if you have,"

question mark, wink.

- Well I have seen something to do with badgers.

- [Lydia] What, like the animal?

- The animal.

- What has badgers got to do with it?

Maybe that's a code name for the old vajayjay.

- It's gotta be something to feel.

- Or maybe it's like a badger in a hole.

- But I just think, secrets never stay secrets do they?

- In Essex nothing's staying secret.

- Where is she anyway?

- I think she's at Gemma's thing, yeah?

- It's a Kaftan party.

- Why is she at a caf?

- Not, Joe. - Kaftan.

- Gemma's got a caf?

Why would you open a caf?

It's hard opening a caf, isn't it?

It's just like, it's not good is it?

- I'm not trying to act stupid here

but I don't actually know what Kaftan means.

- Kaftan's like them blanket things.

- Yeah I know, I know, she's having a blanket race.

- She's not having a blanket race.

She's have a--

- She's having a Kaftan party.

- [Joey] Why do you say she's having a blanket party?

Why a caf?

- It's called a Kaftan.

- The word Kaftan doesn't mean anything to me.

Do you know what I mean?

It's like me saying--

- Because you're a pile of poo

and you don't understand anything.

[group laughing]

- [Joey] All right.

- Hello!

- Hi girls. - Girls.

- [Lauren] Go for it babe.

- How are you going? - Thanks, mwah.

- I need one today seeing Georgina.

[group laughing]

- You haven't drunk all these beers have ya?

- We've been playing a drinking game, haven't we?

- What would you rather? - What would you rather?

- And I said what would you rather?

- What would your rather,

like get with Diags or get with Tom?

- Oh.

- If you had to snog one of them right now,

you have to ask them that.

- Would you rather get with Diags or get with Tom?

- Diags.

- [Group] Whoa!

- [Joey] What the fuck?

[upbeat music]

- All right Rick?

- Oh hello.

- How are you?

Mwah, I've been looking for you all evening.

- Good.

- Glad I've got you on me own.

- Really? - Yes.

You've been bad, haven't you?

I know and pretty much everyone knows

you've been texting someone else.

- No, no, no, no, get it right.

Everyone knows that someone's been texting me.

- Yeah but at the same time--

- 'Cause you know, innit,

so you know and you've seen the messages.

- But you've gotta understand as well--

- For that to be saying as if I'm texting back I'm, nup.

- Yeah but what you have to understand as well

obviously being Jess' friend, you have to respect Jess.

'Cause I know you like Jess.

- Hold on a second.

If someone's gonna message me

I don't want to get in the firing line

because they're messaging me.

- Well maybe you-- - She's horny innit.

So when you're horny you say a lot of things

that you don't want to say.

- Yeah but maybe you've said something.

- I was hoping I wouldn't have to say something,

I could let it go away.

- But everyone knows about it now.

- Only one or two texts. - Exactly.

- You can tell her that anyway.

- But you are like a big flirt,

and we have led you on a little bit.

- No, no way.

- And you have replied to the messages.

- No way, no way. - Yes you have!

- [Ricky] There's no chance, I wouldn't need to.

- All right well.

- I'm only interested in one person.

Jess, that's it.

- You've seriously gotta say something.

Everyone's waiting, everyone's talking, gossiping about it.

But unless you say it, like I will.

- All right, I'll go do it.

Thanks for the advice, if you call it that, sweet.

- I've had such a good night, thanks for inviting me.

- I'm glad you came.

- Yeah. [laughs]

- You look nice tonight anyway.

- Oh, thank you.

Yeah, you look nice.

- Yeah?

- [Lauren G] Dressed cool, bit of swagger.

- But you're not seeing anyone at the moment?

- No, I'm not seeing anyone, single.

- So what sort of boys do you normally go for?

- I usually like guys with dark hair and blue eyes.

- Yeah? - Mm.

- Are you just saying that

because I've got dark hair and blue eyes?

- No I actually do.

I think that's classed as like beautiful.

- Do you? - Yeah.

- So what, do you think I'm beautiful?

[Lauren laughs]

Do you reckon we could do it again?

- Yeah definitely, yeah. - Another time.

You and the girls or just me and you?

- Ooh no, I think you're really nice and stuff,

that you're a really cool guy,

but at the minute I think I'm just like single

and just looking to get to know guys as friends and stuff.

- You don't think we know each other well enough yet?

- Not yet.

So I would definitely do it again

but I'd like to bring the girls with me.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- That's all right. - For a date. [laughs]

- So am I allowed a kiss on the cheek?

- Yeah. - Just a little one.

- Mwah. - And the other cheek as well?

- Mwah.

- How about one on the lips as well?

- No.

[both laughing]

- [Tom P] I didn't think so.

- No.

[upbeat electronic music]

- Hello.

Listen, I wanted to talk to you about these messages.

You know I'm seeing Jess, like she's one of your friends.

Everyone's been talking about it tonight,

so I just want it to end here, right, that's it.

- [Announcer] Next time on "The Only Way is Essex".

Will Arg's nipples crack under the pressure of the marathon?

- [Arg] Have you two had problems with your nipples?

- No.

- Somebody's got a nipple erection! [laughs]

- [Announcer] Will cat wee rocket to the top of the charts?

- [Announcer] And will the ladies of Essex

ever stop badgering Ricky?

- I have seen something to do with badgers.

Maybe it's like a badger in a hole.

- [Announcer] Who knows?

These people are real and anything can happen

on "The Only Way is Essex".

[upbeat music]