Original subtitles

various modes of transport, and a complete cringe-fest.

The tans you see might be fake but the people are all real.

Although some of what they do has been set up purely

for your entertainment.

Previously on The Only Way Is Essex.

- I've got me sketchbook upstairs and me pencils ready.

- I feel like one of them pigs in blankets

that you eat at Christmas.

[laughing]

- I'm not as confident as what people think I am.

And I'm unhappy about my weight,

I'm feeling panicky all the time.

[groans]

- Oh my God!

I can't believe it.

- I'm giving you the opportunity for us to go out again.

But if you don't wanna do that

I'm just saying there's a good chance you might regret it.

- You're really embarrassing yourself.

- See you later.

- Up your arrogant arse hole.

Oh God.

[upbeat band music]

[thumping electronic music]

- Are you feeling hot now?

[exhales]

Lauren, you're going blue.

- God.

- It's making me feel sick.

- Okay, concentrate.

Meditate.

Lauren, leave your boobs alone.

Hands here.

Don't worry about your cleavage.

This is yoga.

- Okay.

- Yoga means union, we all work together.

Okay?

Okay, right now going down to the floor, OK?

So you go down,

okay, like lay down on your front, like this.

- I can't lay on my front.

- Why?

- 'Cause my boobies hurt.

- You'll be fine.

Grab your feet from the outside.

[laughing]

Inhale, breathing and kick your legs up.

And look up.

[talking over each other]

Look back, going, keep going.

- [Sam] He looked good, didn't he, Arch?

- I can't believe it, he looked so well without it.

Like he's finally lost like the bow tie.

- And that like bulge over his belt.

- Yeah.

Now he can probably see his willy over his belly.

- If he's trying to win Lydia back,

it's gonna take more than that.

I personally think.

- I mean, it might have kinda helped.

'Cause it might made her think, yeah,

oh, he's not like, so much of a slob

and like, he's sorted himself out,

which is attractive.

- Gem, oh my God, I haven't seen you in ages.

How are you? - You all right? [mwah]

You all right? [mwah]

- [Sam] You've got so much to tell us.

- [sighs] OMFG, you're not gonna believe it.

This is how Charlie King interprets me.

Now is this good or is this bad?

- [Billie] It's scribbling.

- What is that?

- [Gemma] He obviously thinks I've got saggy tits.

- Do you reckon he maybe done it to get like--

- No.

- Maybe he done it to see you naked, to like--

- I dunno.

I said to him after he painted me

what happens now?

Do I stay, do I go?

I stayed the night, but nothing happened.

Like all he basically did was spoon me.

And then I felt like in the morning,

'cause I had to leave early 'cause I had to go to work,

I felt like a poke in the back, like--

- Really, I was gonna say--

- [Sam] Yeah, the poke in the back.

- Did you feel?

- So I do know, I can confirm he can get a boner.

But I didn't know whether to touch it,

whether to like scream, jump out the bed.

- What did you wanna do?

- Well, you get the poke in the back

and then it just flows, doesn't it?

[laughing]

But, you know, it was just awkward.

And I just went over and I said,

like turnt round and said,

oh, Charlie, I've gotta go to work now,

and he just went,

have a good day, babe, I'll ring ya later.

- No.

- I'll just see it out for a couple of more weeks.

If we don't consume this relationship

then I better start consuming it with someone else.

[ominous dramatic music]

- I just feel like I'm not even real.

- Everything's in 3D, innit?

- Mate, I'm so 3D, man.

- It's weird, innit, how it works?

- If you had these glasses on

and you looked at a girls boobs,

you reckon they'd be like--

- [Both] Bigger?

- Well, if it worked the other way around,

we'll just get all the girls to put them on

and maybe our [whistles] will look bigger.

- Oh yeah.

- Oh man.

- Mate.

But I can't wait, tonight's gonna be brilliant mate,

trust me.

It's the second relaunch of Reem parties,

I reckon it's gonna be massive.

It's gonna be every single Reem girl there.

Girls left, right and.

- Centre.

- I think Sam will be going.

I think all the girls will be going, yeah.

I will go up to her and talk to her, I'll just say to her--

- Just go with the flow, mate.

- What about Lauren Pope?

What are you going to say to Lauren Pope?

Are you gonna tell her that you're the new hunk?

- I don't necessarily fancy her either,

I said that she was good lookin',

I think Lauren Goodger looked fit

the other night as well, I thought.

- You thought Lauren Goodger looked fit?

- Yeah.

- Who'd you fancy more?

Lauren Goodger or Lauren Pope?

- Dunno, it's hard, they're different.

They're well different.

- And the last bit now class,

turn around, lay down on your back.

Put your hands up towards the ceiling.

It's called Savasana, it's dead body pose.

Take a deep inhale.

Exhale.

[exhaling]

Exhale.

[exhaling]

Girls, you've done really well,

that's the end of the class.

Oh, all come up to sit up.

Georgina, you alive?

- Oh my God. [laughing]

- I was so comfy!

You's done really well, actually.

Pretty soon I'm gonna have a flat tummy or.

Or I'd like see--

- [Lauren] Oh, I really enjoyed it.

- So Lauren, knowing that you've burned a thousand calories

in class must make you wanna come more.

- Definitely. - Is that how much it is?

A thousand calories?

That's like so much.

- Vikram's my guru.

- What's a guru?

- Oh God. - Yeah,

Vikram's a man.

- What? - A Chinese man?

- No, he's not Chinese, he's Indian.

Vikram's actually a man and he created yoga.

He teaches my classes and he teaches you how to teach it.

- Is that the only way you can become a teacher,

by having Mr. Vikram teach you?

- Yeah, Vikram certifies me,

so I had to go Eli.

To go by train then,

and then he certifies me to teach.

But I really wanna have my own studio, I've been--

- Yeah, you should, Bill.

- I feel really like refreshed and--

- I feel really girly.

[thumping rock music]

[clinking]

- I just said to her, I would be really honoured

if you let me draw ya.

[laughing]

And then I might, so I wanted to try

and get a bit more like comfortable, basically sex.

- What? - No.

- What do you mean sex?

- [Ricky] What about sex?

- We haven't done it.

- [Ricky] You haven't?

- No.

- How long you bin with her?

- Mm, just under two months.

- Surprised you ain't routed her out yet.

- I dunno, it's just not happening at the moment

and I'm trying to build this thing where we,

we get a bit more like comfortable with each other,

because it hasn't happened just like naturally,

so, I was really surprised she actually

went ahead and did it.

So now I feel like we've made like progress,

within the relationship, you know?

I actually think that you don't

have to put the pressure on it, you know,

at the end of the day what's a right hand for, you know?

I can sort myself out rightly, you know what I mean?

[laughing]

Yeah, I am left handed actually! [laughs]

- [Man] Aww!

- Well, I actually think he thinks he's James Bond.

He's lost a bit of weight and that's been it.

Like, big deal.

You know what I mean?

- [Bobby] Shall we take a seat?

My bags are so heavy. Yeah.

- Oh, it's so cold.

[groans]

- Yeah, I just can't believe men at the moment.

- Just like, I'm not being funny,

I know like Mario has a different sense of humour

to my scream hole, but I just didn't wanna amuse him.

I said to him after, why would bid on Cara?

I was so angry and he was just like, do you know what, even?

I would've just got us,

so I should do the day's work,

cleaning out cars, let's talk to Bentley.

You know, and you're like, it's not the point?

It's not funny.

- At least make fun anyway, I don't know.

- Do you reckon Mick and Cara will go tonight?

- [Bobby] Are you going?

- I don't know.

I kind of, I kinda wanna go,

but after like, James's comments the other night,

I feel I don't wanna go in there and see him,

'cause he's just gonna re-agitate me.

- If you see him just a little bit, all right.

- You know what?

You've gotten more and more sexy as well, Lyd.

I'm loving it, oh, you hair's comin' off ya,

your skirt's comin' off ya.

- [Lydia] Get him!

- Yeah?

- I've been newly single on the market,

you've gotta like make the best of your assets, innt ya?

- [Bobby] This is it,

it's all in the wrapping, isn't it?

You know what I mean? - It's all in the wrapping.

- You don't sell a house with a smashed up front door

and a broken garden-- [laughing]

Ya gotta look good to sell it,

do you know what I mean?

- That is so true, though!

Unless they're willing, then.

- You are actually selling it well.

- Yeah, I've my fresh lick of tan.

- You've got one lick of tan

whereas I normally do about 12, but that's fine.

You know what I mean?

We're gettin' it. - Gettin' it, crushing it.

- We'll an orange out of you yet.

[laughing]

- Aw, no.

- I'm loving the new hair.

Got a little bit--

- It's a bit Brigitte Bardot, isn't it?

Don't you think?

- I don't know who she is. - Who that is.

[laughing]

- I have got my eye on Frankie, actually, believe it or not.

See, if I approach Frankie, yeah,

I'm scared that literally my date

will go so horrendous with her,

she was literally be like,

after that, no one in Essex will go near me.

I'll have to move to Suffolk or somewhere.

- You need to listen.

I've already struggled with girls before.

- No. - With older girls, of course.

- I don't struggle. [laughing]

What I tend to do is overcomplicate things.

Thing is, I'll sit down in my head differently

to what it actually pans out, you know?

Everyone's been on a date where it's gone complete tits up.

- No, no.

[laughs]

- [Little Chris] Just me again?

- Just you. [laughs]

[thumping rock music]

- I didn't even hear you slipping in there!

- What's happening, mate? [car beeps]

You all right?

- Yeah, good, you?

Yeah, good, mate.

- Got my rays on, aren't I?

But it's raining. [claps]

- Looking cool, mate, looking cool.

- New range?

- What was that?

That was a new handshake?

How did it go?

- Like that, right.

- Aw fuck, not another. [laughing]

- [Joey] Lemons.

What's that range you've got there?

- Yeah, new range.

- New range, navy blue as well,

so you're splashing your cash, Mick!

You got it in ya. - You gotta splash the cash

a little bit. - It's gotta be done, mate.

- And you're even taking Cara on a date soon as well.

- Yeah, that cost me a few quid didn't it?

[laughing]

I'm a bit nervous really about that.

- [Joey] Are ya?

- Yeah, not knowing what I'm gonna be doing.

- You fancy her, honestly?

- Oh, she's alright.

- [laughs] You do fancy her, don't ya?

- No!

- You do! [laughing]

- Nah, I'm not like that, Joey, you know.

- You do, you do.

- So yeah, so we're gonna get everything

all jived up again with the old Reem party.

- Yeah, I think we should, yeah.

- I've got this other idea that I was thinking,

I'm gonna get this motor and I want you to use it

as a pulling tool. - A car?

- See if you can get the people

'cause there's all the other bars and clubs in there.

- What motor?

- It's like, like a promotional thing, like a promotional.

Wait there a second, don't move, wait right there.

You'll like this.

[engine humming]

- What the hell?

[laughs] What is this?

What the hell is that?

- [Mick] What do you reckon, Joey?

- [laughs] What is that? [horn honking]

- This is a TukTuk.

- Whose is that?

- It's yours!

I got it for you!

- What the what?

- Don't you think it's a pulling thing for the girls?

You're out in the high street?

- How much you pay for that?

- Well it's a lot of money, I imported 'em from Thailand.

'Cause you know all about the Sugar Hut theme,

it's the Thai thing, isn't it?

Oh, our theme's Thai.

- So I've gotta drive that?

- Yeah, I've had it all polished up for you,

don't you like it?

- No, no, it's all right.

- They're just like little plodders aren't they?

They're just running people around.

- It's got no seat belt, it's got no doors.

- Well, you hang on to the handlebars,

so you ain't gonna be going fast,

so don't worry about that.

- [Joey] What if it rains?

- It's got a cover on it.

- Yeah but it ain't got window wipers.

- You can wipe it with your hand at the front.

Get in there, come on, have a look,

see what you reckon.

- Oh my God. [laughing]

I don't know how to do it.

- Check your mirrors.

Mirrors, signal, manoeuvre,

do you remember all that?

- Check mirrors!

- [Mick] No not your hair,

check there's no one coming behind ya before you pull off!

- What am I doing?

- Imagine that when you get a couple of birds in there,

you'll be sorted. - Got it sorted!

- I think the engine's underneath it, is it underneath it?

Whoa, where you going?

[laughing] Come back, come back!

- [Joey] Oi, stop it!

- [laughing] Put your foot on the pedal!

- [Joey] Oi, it's not stopping!

[funky dance music]

- Oh, we'll be running all the time.

Hold tight!

[sighs]

- That's tough, man.

- [Ricardo] What's the matter, mate?

You're looking sluggish.

- I think it's 'cause I'm a few drinks light.

I've been out a few times recently, inn' I?

- You shouldn't be doing that while you're training, mate.

- Look, I haven't been going out boozing a lot,

but obviously, you know, it was the marathon party.

- Was Lyds there?

- She was looking absolutely so sexy, you wouldn't believe.

- What, not like usual Lydia?

Like, a bit pale and?

- [laughing] What you mean a bit pale?

- Well, let's face it, she looked like

she hadn't had a sunburn for like eight years.

She's just been in the arctic,

just like hibernating, isn't she?

But right now, we're concentrating on the marathon.

How far have you actually run?

- I reckon I've done about 10 miles.

- So you've got roughly another 16 to cover

before you can actually complete the marathon.

It's gonna be hard, mate.

You'll literally be crawling across that finish line.

- I thought when they, you know, when people said about,

you know, your nipples bleeding and being sore,

I thought it was just like a myth.

Sometimes in my runs I'm literally I'm just like this,

it's just so sore.

- They're some big nipples to hurt and all, isn't they?

- Well the thing is, my moobs have gone down,

like definitely, you can tell, can't ya?

- Well, I don't know from here,

but I'll take your word for it.

- Yeah, but my nipples have stayed the same size.

- If you wanted, mate, you could always wear this

for the marathon, you know.

You won't chafe in it,

it's got a good little padded bit for your bum.

And your big fat arse it'll fit right in it, mate.

'Cause you've been blessed with a huge penis haven't you?

[laughing]

- Whenever we're on a night out, you have a few drinks

and you always get it out as your little party trick.

But you don't need to show it when we're going for runs,

there's old ladies walking their dogs and things like--

- Listen, listen, I wear this, okay?

So you don't feel so bad wearing that.

I know I look bad, you think you look good!

[laughing]

[thumping rock music] [laughing]

- Great.

Is that literally your lunch?

- That is my lunch.

- No way. - Yeah.

- Does that even fill you up?

- It's mostly full nutrients and stuff,

so, oh Steph, oh my goodness,

if I need it, it's in here.

So it's not like I'm lacking anything.

And I've actually got a lot of energy.

This week, I've lost four pounds,

an inch off of my waist,

and then hopefully this week,

my aim's to lose seven pounds.

- Yeah, you just got off a nine manner--

- We can try it!

But 'cause I'm like, I'm really on it,

I'm just like, so I woke every day,

I'm looking at my stomach, and I'm like, ooh!

- I need to get down to the gym badly,

get a trainer, do something.

- Well, this morning, we and Frankie were at Vikram yoga.

- [Lauren] Did ya?

Oh my God, is it hardcore?

- So it hurts.

- What is it? - Sweat you down.

- Sweating down.

- Yeah, that's why my hair's like this.

- Sounds good.

If you wanna get hot and sweaty and shit.

- I don't like getting sweaty.

- That means you gotta go straight to hairdresser's,

have a new spray tan, new eyelashes,

'cause they would've like totally slipped off

and a whole new face of makeup after you've been there.

- Yeah, but-- - Just dunno.

- What's about Joey's Reem night tonight?

- Oh, I'm DJ!

- Ah! - Are you Djing?

[talking over each other]

- Jeremy's best mate will be there, Todd,

will we get him to sing?

- Can he sing? - I know,

he just keeps saying he can sing.

- He's a really nice boy.

I hear he's got the hots for Lauren Pope.

- Obviously.

[laughing]

Yeah, but he's good looking, but he's young.

- Really? - Yeah.

- That's what it means, I don't think it matters,

if they're that young-- - He's got a nice car.

- What's he car he's got?

[laughing]

- What car, yeah?

- It's older than Joey.

- I only buy like, what year?

- She'll be a cougar then.

- I do like my young men.

- What's a cougar?

- It's like a older woman and a younger guy.

- That's like a toy boy.

- Kind of like that One Direction boy

that was having a cougar.

[intense rock music]

- Hello. - Hi, all right.

- Hi there, mate, you all right?

Bit nervous here.

- Are ya? - Yeah.

- Oh, there's nothing to worry about.

- Neither of us have done it before.

- No? - No.

- You have to wear a crash helmet.

- Oh, I'm fuming about that.

As long as I get the white one, I don't mind.

- That will go, the white one will look cool, babe, yeah.

It suits ya!

- Does it?

- Yeah, it looks really good.

- Let me just see myself.

- Goes with the outfit. - Yeah.

- Right, simple machine.

You just step on in the middle of each pad, both feet.

You literally, you lean forward on your toes, go forward,

you lean back on your heels, you stop.

- So basically like the more you go forward,

the faster you go?

- Yeah.

- Oh. - That's it.

- Look at that, it's natural. - Okay then?

- Okay, why is it moving?

Uh oh. [laughing]

- Try to steer him towards me and stay still.

- You look all stiff.

Don't look at me now, all right?

Oh hey, whoa, whoa! [laughing]

Hold on, why am I going backwards? [laughing]

Did you see that? - Ahh! [laughing]

- All right.

Look at us, like a couple of pensioners!

I gotta get used to this.

Come back!

Oh God, I'm not liking this!

Easy!

- I've never seen you move so fast, Mick!

- [laughing] Thanks.

[funky dance music]

- [Mick] I might as well be on this date on me own

because I can't hear you talking!

- He maybe thinks that if he changes his image

in a way-- - Yeah.

- That you're gonna maybe come back to him.

- Yeah, well I think that's what he thought.

For a minute, I was like, I felt really sorry,

and I was just like, oh my God,

like he's done this all for me, I see him.

And then I thought, no,

you haven't done this for me!

You cheated on me,

you treated me like crap.

Don't try and tell me that you've like done this all for me.

It just really infuriated me how he's so arrogant

and so cocksure that he's gonna get me back.

- Watching you sort of blossom,

you're getting your own flat,

wearin' what you want,

you're havin' a good time,

you're smiling more, you're laughing more.

I mean, you're having more fun, you're happier now.

- I'm enjoying too much, and seeing it too much

to ever wanna go back to that place again.

Like, done with him.

Anyway now, what's going on with you and Jess?

- She makes me smile.

Just, I mean, I mean I just like start smiling

for no reason.

- That's cute, though.

- So I know that, but well, we ain't been out that much.

I can't really say that there's a spark.

If it works out, it works out,

if it don't, then no hard feelings, we're still mates,

do you know what I mean?

But to be fair, I've been getting--

- What?

- [laughs] Oh, I dunno.

I've been getting texts from someone else.

- Shut up.

Who? - Yeah.

- Tell me.

Someone I know?

- I can't tell ya that.

- Why? - I can't tell ya.

- Tell me. - So, so, I can't.

- Oh, come on, Rick.

I've just poured my heart out.

- I can't tell you.

- Why, why can't you tell?

Do I know them?

- Yeah! [laughs]

- Okay, lemme read. - Okay.

Listen, there's loads of 'em, so, just read the last one.

[laughs]

- Oh my God. [gasps]

- I dunno, obviously, at home, when I get these messages,

I look at 'em and I think, nah, she's joking.

- Oh my God, that one's quite dirty!

- Read the last one, all right?

- I'm always up for being a bit wild if you are! [laughs]

- And I'm thinking she must be winding me up.

- Oh Rick, this is some juicy stuff.

- I'm not instigating anything,

I am getting received the texts,

I'm not sending any.

- You're the receiver, not the giver?

[laughing]

- Yeah, something like that.

[warm intense music]

- [Charlie] Look, the outfit, we lookin' Reem?

- Yeah, I like it,

but I think we should do the buttons up on the jacket.

- Should I in or sort of tucked out?

- In, blazer done up, right, looking sharp.

- Sharp, sharp and fresh, all right, cool.

- Now I like how Ricky looks, so it's time,

when Ricky's casual, he looks sharp.

- Right, I'm learning, I'm liking it,

I feel I look good in it.

- What would you have normally worn to a Reem party, then?

Talk me through it.

- Well, I would never have gone to a Reem party.

I don't even know what a Reem party is,

if I'm honest, babe!

- It's about going there, being Reem,

looking Reem, smelling Reem, do you know what I mean?

That's what it's all about.

- Right, I've never seen you in white before.

- Just 'cause I'm like, over a size 10,

it don't mean you can't wear white.

- I love you in white. - Do ya?

- Yeah, I do.

- It's virginal. - It's nice.

- I'm like a virgin at the minute though.

- Is that what you feel like?

- Yeah, six weeks into our relationship, we've not--

- Done it, yeah, all that.

- So, do you think we're gonna do it tonight?

- I dunno.

I was talking to the boys about it

and actually their opinion on is it like mine.

You don't have to have sex

at any given time of a relationship.

If you don't do it straightaway, there's more chance

of the relationship being like of longevity.

- Who said that?

- [Charlie] Ricky, yeah.

- Sex makes you a couple.

At the minute we're seeing each other,

we're like a bit friends.

You know, I stayed at your house the other night,

we spooned, you did get a boner

so I definitely know you're not gay.

[laughs]

But the boner was poking me in the back.

You know, you gotta start poking it in the front, Charlie.

You know, I've not seen it yet,

you could have something wrong with it,

I don't know!

In Essex, you know what it's like,

everyone puts it about and--

- Yeah, but I ain't your average Essex boy,

and I'm gonna stick to my roots with that.

Lets just have some fun like

while we're getting to know one another, do you not think?

- Okay.

- You've gotta be a little bit patient with me

because actually--

- I'll be patient with you, Charlie,

but I'll be honest with you.

You know, it's just random behaviour.

It's bizarre to me.

You know a man wants to touch you, wants to feel you,

wants to slap your arse, you tell me you like my eyes,

but you've not said I like your tits, I like your arse,

I wanna touch your nun.

- Right.

[crowd cheering]

- Hello, Joe! - Now that

is what you call an entrance!

Now who wants to party?

[crowd cheering]

Let's do it, yo!

[popping]

[crowd cheering]

Whoa, let's do it!

Whoo!

[electronic dance music]

- Cheers, mate.

To be fair to Joey,

he's absolutely smashed it yet again.

- And he just does it. - I mean,

he's always got, you know, the best looking girls,

best looking boys, like, a nice crowd.

- He just smashes. - He does, mate,

he really does.

All right, Lyds?

- Can I have a white wine please, in a rose bag?

Thank you.

That is much as he's gettin' tonight.

- Fantastic, babe.

Thanks, babe. - Thank you.

- Cheers.

- Come on.

- Let's go and have a dance.

- [Frankie] How good is Lauren's DJing?

- She's top disc jockey.

- What?

- Disc jockey, that's what DJ means.

- Why do it mean that?

- [laughs] I dunno, but that's what it means.

- [laughing] I don't get it.

- [Chloe] Disc jockey.

- A jockey's someone who rides a horse.

- Yeah, but she's like disc is a CD

and jockey is a person that changes it.

See, learn something every day.

- Oh, yeah, now I get it, disc jockey.

- [Chloe] Yeah.

- If it was my night,

I think I'd have gone for a little bit better.

- I've have had less clothing as well.

I would probably had body paint.

- [Little Chris] Nipple tassels?

- You know like the body paint bikinis.

Right, it looks like they've got one on,

but you can still see like the nipples and that.

[laughing]

- I don't feel comfortable wearing glasses in a night club,

but Joey said it's Reem party, so you gotta.

- You gotta dress Reem, mate.

- Plus mine cost me 650 quid,

so you ain't got no chance of me takin' 'em off.

[laughing]

- At least you're not dressed like you're going to a wedding

like those boys over there.

- [Joey] That's what I'm sayin', yeah.

- [Arg] Now apparently they call themselves

two and a half men.

- Why's that?

- 'Cause like, Little Chris is very short inn' he?

[laughing]

- Word on the street, though, is--

- What?

- He fancies your sister, mate.

- [Joey] Who we talkin' about?

- [Tom] Little Chris.

- Good luck to him, son.

- Hello.

- Hello, you look nice.

- Thank you.

- You're meant to say you look nice too,

but no, it's alright.

- No, you look lovely all of you, you look really smart.

- Oh, you look stunning.

- Yeah, thanks.

You all right, Rick?

- Yeah, I'm all right, you all right?

- He probably fancies her don't he?

- He fancies everything, he fancies everyone, you know?

It always reminds me, it reminds, like,

sayin' like we at a massive queue,

there's all girls goin Joey, Joey!

Trying to get with me, yeah? [laughing]

And they're gettin' with me

and then Ricky's behind goin, can I have her as well?

As if Sam's gonna get with Ricky Raymont

when she's been with Joey Essex, you know what I mean?

- What about you?

- What about me?

- [Diags] Who you feeling?

- [Arg] Yeah, who you on at the moment?

- You love them Laurens, don't you, son?

- I'm hearing the name Laurens.

- Lauren.

- [Guys] Lauren who?

- Lauren who?

That's the question.

- What, you think Lauren Goodger's good lookin'

and Lauren Pope's good lookin'?

- Yeah.

- See, the tongue comes out.

- Are we talkin' about salty potatoes?

- Ooh.

- Ooh, oh.

- So mysterious, boys!

[thumping dance music]

- I saw you come over here. - Take a look at it!

- Hello, what? - Hi!

- Is everything all right?

- Yes, I'm fine.

- How's your date?

- Aww, it was really nice, had such a lovely date.

But I just think like the age difference

is just too much for me and he just makes me not fancy him.

- How did it end?

- Just said like, he said, gonna come tonight?

I said, yeah, I'm coming.

And that was it, really.

- Why don't you go and be drawn by Charlie?

- I'm up for that, Charlie!

- I will draw you if Gemma can cook us some dinner.

- We should do that before we go and see J-Lo.

- I'm so up for that Bob, it's gonna be awesome.

Also Michael Jackson's doing the Immortal World Tour.

- He's dead, you fool.

- They're bringing out like this tribute concert for him,

so I think like-- - I like MJ, yeah--

- I love Michael Jackson.

- [Bobby] Let's do that as well!

- This party is so much better than LA.

- Is it, you think?

- Yeah. - Aw.

- I'd never live in LA, I love Essex.

- Yeah, Essex is definitely the place to be.

- All right, Joe. - Hello.

[mwah]

- See, just to move your mouth.

- Thanks. [mwah]

- Hello Sam, what?

What's goin' on?

- [Billi] Shall we go toilet?

- Yeah, see you in a bit.

- See you in a bit.

- How've you been anyway? - Been all right, you?

- [Sam] I haven't seen you in a while.

I thought you was ignoring me the other night.

- Nah, that's what I was about to say to you,

you was ignoring me.

- What?

No, I was not.

- You didn't talk to me the whole night,

you was talking to another boy.

- I been meaning to speak to you actually

about a while ago when we had a little snog. [laughs]

- Yeah, do you like that snog?

- Yeah, course I do.

Like, I'm not gonna lie, I do fancy you,

blah blah, we're young, do you know what I mean?

- Yeah, yeah.

- But I feel like though, it's made like a massive deal.

Like I've not had a problem with your sister one bit,

Now, I know Frankie.

And when we was going out we got on so well,

but like everyone keeps going,

oh yeah, that apparently I only snogged you

that night because apparently you've got a swimming pool.

- What so who's saying that, Frankie?

- Yeah, come on.

- Yeah, you do wanna get in it though, don't you?

[laughing]

- He don't care, he's got so many girls flying after him.

- Only 'cause it's Sam, I feel a bit like don't do that.

- Don't upset my brother.

- And not again, like, she's upset him once like

when they split up, he was upset,

and I felt, don't come back into his life

and then drop him out again.

- No.

- You're so cute. [laughing]

Chloe and Frankie.

- Yeah, but I don't have a problem,

I don't know why there is a problem,

because you know for a fact

that I wasn't leading you on.

- You wanna kiss and make up?

- Yep.

- Told you they was gonna kiss.

- So, when you gonna come round my flat?

- Round your flat? - Yeah.

- What's going on round your flat?

- Dunno, come in the swimming pool

for five minutes if you want?

- [laughs] No, definitely not.

[thumping dance music]

- Where the hell are all the fit single men?

- Hello, girls.

- Hello! - Hi, you all right?

You okay? - Hello. [smooch]

- Yeah, yous are looking nice tonight.

- [Both Laurens] Aw, thank you.

- Joey's done all right, inn' he?

- What do you mean?

- Reem parties.

- Oh yeah, he looks good at it.

[laughing]

- What did you think she meant?

What with choices of flatmate?

[laughing]

How is it living with him?

- It's nuts.

- Is he really uptight?

I hear he's really uptight and he's got like loads of rules.

- Yeah, it's a nice flat, though, so you can understand why,

but it's like he's so over the top about everything

in the moment, you can't actually do anything, yeah.

- Does he get aggy?

- He gets well aggy.

And he ain't give me a key or anything.

- [Both Laurens] What?

- He hasn't given me a key yet,

we have to go out at the same time.

- Oh no, shut up.

- So you basically have to live your life around Joey.

- [Tom] At the moment, yeah.

- So you've got like a swimming pool, right?

- And it's indoors, it's amazing, I've seen it, though.

- You gotta come round and see it.

- So how old are you?

- How old do you reckon I am?

- You went to school with Joey, right?

- [Tom] Yep.

- So you gotta be like 21, 22.

- Yeah, I'm the same age as Joey.

So you guys got your eye on anyone tonight?

- We haven't really had a good look round yet have we?

- No.

- What about me?

[laughing]

- You are the biggest, dirtiest little flirt going!

- [Bobby] You are the boy about town.

- [Gemma] It's a laugh though, Rick.

It's a laugh!

You're not in a serious relationship with anyone.

- Listen, there's a difference between flirting

and actually going through with something.

- [Gemma] Yeah there is.

- That is what it's all about.

- Until you're proper boyfriend and girlfriend,

I think people just gotta go out and enjoy themselves.

- And that's the beauty about Essex,

we all like to dress up, we all like to have a laugh,

flirt and a bit of banter.

- Too many people round here take themselves too seriously.

- I'd rather be all sweaty on the dance floor

than sittin' here.

- Havin' it, Rick, havin' it.

[thumping dance music]

I love this song!

- This is a tune, I love this song.

- Go on, give us a dance!

- [Charlie] Shall we have a dance?

- Shall we go then?

Come off outside, mate.

- Off you go.

- [Billy] Excuse us.

[thumping dance music]

[laughing]

- [Ricky] You goin', bitch!

[cheering]

[cheering]

- [Man] Go, Charlie!

- That's fucking embarrassing.

- I swear it'll never get more embarrassing.

[thumping dance music]

- He's actually enjoying prancing around.

- That's stressing me out. [laughing]

- I like getting spiritual and all that,

but at the end of the day that's takin' it a bit far.

[cheering]

- Ahh, my boy!

- My boy! [laughing]

- I saw you talkin' to Sam earlier.

I think she thinks I've got a problem with her,

like yous two had a kiss or whatever.

- Yeah, but it wasn't nothing like that.

It's got blown out of proportion,

basically what happened was--

- I'm allowed, as your sister to, I'm allowed--

- Yeah course you are, yeah, obviously, I'll do that.

- But I just don't want someone who I thinks hurt yous

before to do that again to you.

I'm not being a bitch, I'm just being big sister.

- Don't be scared, Chris, just go for it.

- Do what you gotta do, like, she'll made up, like,

I saw you earlier had a little kiss

and make up whatever, that's fine, that's it.

- Yeah, I know, I know, but I want you to--

- Sorry, you all right babe? [smooch]

- You all right, Joey, how you doing?

- [Joey] Yeah, sweet, you all right mate?

- Yeah, not too bad. - Cool.

- Can I just have a word with your sister for a bit?

- I'm just talking to her,

but you can talk to her in a minute, yeah.

I just need to have a word with her, is that cool?

- All right, sorry.

- But basically, if me and Sam do date,

then you gonna be cool with it, yeah?

- Yeah, no, it's fine, seriously, you know?

So don't worry, all right?

- Sorry to disturb you again.

- Yeah, sweet, sweet, yeah, sweet, she's--

- Aw, sorry about that,

we were just having a bit of a moment.

You all right?

- Yeah, not too bad.

- You havin' a good night?

- Yeah, not too bad, yourself?

- Yeah, good.

- You're looking really pretty.

- Aw, thank you.

- I like what you've done with your hair.

- I know, but you know what?

It's gone a bit on the wild side now.

- I know this is really random

and I'm really bad at doing this,

but do you fancy going out one day,

doing something like random?

Like to get to know you like strawberry picking

or like go feed the ducks?

- Go feed the ducks?

- Yeah.

- Dunno, what do you mean, like on a date?

- Yeah, kind of.

Just like casual, something casual.

Nothing like serious or anything, just a bit of fun.

- To be fair, at the moment, not really.

- Really?

Okay. - Yeah, sorry.

- That's all right, don't worry.

Don't worry, have a nice night.

- Sorry, Chris. [mwah]

Have a nice night, see you later.

[thumping dance music]

- [Little Chris] Shot down, shot down.

Oh, I wanna go and jump off a bridge.

- Shit.

[horns honking]

- [Narrator] Next time on The Only Way Is Essex.

Will Charlie ever fulfil Gemma's appetite?

- If we don't consume this relationship,

then I better start consumin' it with someone else.

- [Narrator] Will Little Chris always come up short

in the dating game?

- Would you fancy goin' out one day

and doin' something like strawberry picking

or go feed the ducks?

- Not really.

- [Narrator] And will Ricky have to find

a more competitive phone tariff?

- I've been gettin' texts from someone else.

- Okay, lemme read.

- Okay. [laughing]

- [Narrator] Who knows?

These people are real

and anything can happen on The Only Way Is Essex.

[thumping dance music]

[bouncy band music]