Original subtitles

good old-fashioned drama, and a little touch of romance.

The tans you see might be fake but the people are all real,

although some of what they do has been set up

purely for your entertainment.

Previously on The Only Way is Essex.

- I'm done, I don't want it anymore.

I don't need her in my life.

- Jessica had a go at me just because she doesn't like me.

- I'm going out on a date.

- [gasp] With who?

- You know I'm not your stereotypical bloke,

but I don't care.

- That's brilliant.

- All right, you, right you,

Ricky Raymond talking about behind Joyce's back?

- No, not really. - All right, fuck off.

- I think you're embarrassing yourself.

- No one is talking about you.

And no one ever will talk about you, innit?

[upbeat music]

[sighing]

- Thanks for bringing me here, Mick.

- Pleasure, mate.

Let's go and have a look at what you bought.

- Happy birthday to me.

- Wow, it's beautiful, mate. - It's all right, innit?

I absolutely love it.

- Mr. Falcone.

- This is absolute bollocks.

This is amazing.

Cheers, mate. - Enjoy the car, right.

- Really nice.

- You see, I wanted to treat myself on my birthday.

I figured like, I'm 24 I could afford it.

I've done well, so I figured I might as well

get it for myself.

- Must've cost you a few quid, innit.

- About 80 grand, I think. - Really.

- Thereabouts, yeah. - Fucking hell.

It's all about you today, innit. [laughing]

- It is mate, it's the Mario Day.

- Party tonight and super car today,

well done, mate. - Yeah, well thanks

for letting me have the Sugarhut for tonight.

- Ah, pleasure. - M party.

- Well thanks for the theme as well,

the M party theme, it means I can just go as Mick so--

- I'm just going as Mario,

as long as it's my birthday it's my party.

Wanna hear it before you go?

- Let me have a listen to that engine before I go.

[car engine revving]

That's better than sex that, mate!

[laughing]

- Don't tell Lucy that. - You drive careful,

no, you drive carefully, take it easy.

- See you later, mate. - Ta-ra, mate.

- But you and Joey are all cool now then?

- M-hm. - That's good then.

- Oh, that's hot.

No, everything's sweet. - Did you shake hands?

- Yeah, we shook hands--

- When you shake hands that-- - we hugged.

We had an emotional hug. - Did you?

- Yeah, it wasn't just a hand shake, it was a hug.

I felt bad, to be honest that we'd come there for Lauren

and then that ended up sort of like,

taking the spotlight.

- I don't think it ruined her night, though.

- No? - No.

- Why? - I think she was just happy

to have you there, Rick! - Really?

I know she was flirting with me a bit.

I've got to admit I was flirting back, so.

- You've got to be careful, though.

- Why? - Just make sure that

these girls don't get the wrong end of the stick.

There's nothing worse than a guy breaking a girl's heart.

- Right, I know, I know.

But it's not like I go out intentionally.

I mean like I got Jess's number the other day.

- Rick, oh my God! - No, but like

that's not-- - I can't keep up.

- No, but not like that.

Not like I'm texting her like, you know

what are you, what are you wearing?

Like, it's not like that!

It's just like, I'm just like getting to know people.

Do you know what I mean?

I'm just texting her as a pal

and I like female conversation and that.

I like that I can come around here

and just talk to you about about things.

- You like females? - Yeah, I like females.

Yeah. [laughing]

- Lyd, I've been on the toilet all morning.

- Why?

- I can't do it anymore. - Can't do what?

- I'm taking a skydive, this afternoon.

- I always wanted to skydive.

- I just, I thought it was a really good idea

at the time, Lyd and that it's really lovely

to have that as a birthday present

but I've changed me mind. - No, you can't, mom!

- I'm actually jumping out with somebody,

- Yeah, tandem. - So hopefully they

look like Mario, won't they?

- We'll have to request someone that's good looking.

- Yeah. - I'll say my mom can

only do it if there's someone good looking behind her.

- Is it behind me or in front of me?

- What? - Behind me?

- Oh that would be even better for ya.

- Ricky!

I can't believe you just said that,

that is disgusting.

- I can show you, if you want.

- Let's have a look. - Get'em out love.

[laughing]

- So attractive, that sports bra.

- I know.

- Yeah. - They look nice.

- The nipples have definitely moved, Pops.

- Yeah, they're right in the middle now.

- 'Cause they was like, they was really high,

wasn't they? - I just think fresh boobs

always look, not very nice.

- I think they look really natural.

Really, really natural.

- The only thing is it takes ages

for your nipples to go hard again.

And then like one will go like that,

and the other one will stay soft.

It's really embarrassing. - How weird.

Why? - I don't know.

- My nipples are always hard.

- Yeah, but imagine having one hard one and one soft one.

It's a bit like, sort it out, make your minds up!

- That's when the hair comes in handy!

[laughing]

- Chloe, do you actually remember like life

without fake boobs? - Yeah, they was like,

I'll tell you exactly what it was like.

They was like little boobs

and you could, after I had Maddie,

you could get the little nipple and go.

[laughing]

- What and they move?

- I swear down, and you know when you put the bath on

you lean over to do the bath and you look in the mirror,

and they used to be like two little triangles.

Empty, disgusting, I used to wanna heave at them.

Mini udders.

Disgusting. - Oh my God.

- I couldn't get them done quick enough, honestly.

[laughing]

[upbeat music]

- Anyway at the end of the day, look,

it's Mario's birthday party.

How do you feel about, you know Ricky

being there after the fallout and that?

- We made up after.

But I think we're cool now so,

I think um, I think we're all right.

Is it an M themed party 'cause Mario's

name is Mario with an M? - I suppose so, yeah.

And the three musketeers so. - We've had the worst shout,

why did we pick the three musketeers?

The ugliest three fellas probably in the whole world.

- Not even just that but,

I bet the costumes are really unflattering as well.

It makes my physique look worse than what it is.

- We're gonna look like absolutely disgusting.

- Don't you think we should go into the party like,

like trying to be funny, like maybe be talking French

and stuff like that?

- Well yeah, we need to learn French though.

I don't really know French.

I know bonjour and Je m'apelle.

- Actually yeah, true, I don't have a clue about French.

- Yeah, I took long enough to learn Spanish.

- What Spanish do you know?

[laughing]

- I know hola, fanta naraya, fanta lemon.

- So you haven't learnt Spanish, you've learnt three words.

[laughing]

- I just loved every minute of it,

and like I've woke up today

and I feel like young and fun again.

- You look like you're glowing.

- Since I've had my third eye cleansed,

like it feels like everything's changed in my life,

so it's definitely the best day we did together.

- Aw, I'm really happy, Gem.

- I felt like so comfortable with his house and that.

Not like I'm gonna move in there or anything,

but he said I was like a Jewish girl that had

chutzpah or something. - Is he Jewish?

- I think a bit.

- And he said you're what?

- I've got chutzpah. - Chutzpah?

- Yeah, which is like a Jewish word for like

shooziness, you know what I mean?

- Really? - And I think he said like

his mom was like that and I said,

oh, you do know that boys marry girls like their mom.

- Yeah, exactly. - And his eyes all lit up

and that, so, but we're not thinking

about getting married yet. - No.

- So, what else you been up to then?

- I've seen Ricky. - Yeah.

- Well he text me,

and I was like shall I text back,

should I not because obviously he took Cara out.

- You and him would have such beautiful kids together, Jess.

Go for it, he's a player, everyone's in it to win it.

But the only one you've gotta be careful of is Lauren,

'cause weren't Lauren flirting with him?

- To be perfectly honest, like this is a case

of whoever Ricky likes, Ricky likes.

- He's a heartbreaker, that one innit he?

- He won't be breaking my heart,

I'll break his.

- So excited! - Mom, it's going

to be amazing! - When I get up there

and I just want to say hello to everybody that's passed on

before me, granddad will be up there--

- Granddad's looking on as well.

That's so cute, mom.

- I've got granddad's locket on.

- He'll keep you safe, won't he?

- Yeah. - Aw.

That's so cute. - He's gonna look after me.

Can you imagine what he'd be saying, Lyd?

- He would say, crazy woman! - Crazy!

Only my daughter would jump out of a plane!

[laughing]

- That is so what he'd say.

- I mean obviously I could get this

bit done and tightened in.

- No, no.

Joey's sort of offends people

because he likes to show off his crotch area.

- I don't like showing off my crotch area.

- 'Cause it's so tight, it shows.

- That's what I'm saying, so Les could you mind

around the crotch area to go as least tight as possible?

- No, no, no.

- Years ago, when your granddad

used to have his trousers made,

the tailor would always ask him

which side did he dress?

- Which side? - Yeah.

- Oh, you mean what side he would get tailored?

- No.

- What way do you dress?

- Do you know what it means?

- What, what way do you dress?

- Yeah.

- I dress reem.

- You wear Calvin Klein's probably.

- Yeah. - If you didn't wear any,

then you would actually hang one side or the other.

- Oh, right! - They wouldn't hold

their pieces in. - That's right.

- So you'd have to choose if you fancied going to the left

or fancy going to the right.

Are you left or right?

- You can dress me that way or that way,

because mine's straight down the middle.

- Yeah, you're fine.

What about you, what do you need doing?

- Um, well these are my favourite suit trousers,

but now they don't quite-- - Don't quite fit.

- Is there enough material to be able

to take them out to fit me? - No.

- There's no way of me wearing these trousers

until I lose weight?

- Not really, no.

[laughing]

- I know I'm going to lose a lot of weight soon,

'cause I'm running, yeah I'm running the London Marathon.

- How are you gonna do the London Marathon, mate?

- I'm technically a good runner.

- Really?

- It's just my asthma that let's me down.

I'm a bit scared about it though.

Have you heard the stories about people doing the marathon?

- No, what? - Apparently, when you run

'cause you're running for so long and stuff like that

your toe nails fall off.

- What? - And people's like

nipples are bleeding and stuff like that.

- Aw mate, and your nipples are huge.

- My nipples are huge.

- Well don't wear a t-shirt then.

Just go completely naked.

Well you don't go naked but wear like

a pair of shorts and that's it.

- Sports bra.

[laughing]

- I bet she is absolutely petrified.

I'd be absolutely shaking.

That's her!

Mom!

Wow!

Wooooh!

- I never, ever want to do that again!

For the rest of my entire life!

- What happened?

We're so proud.

Well done.

- How'd you feel, is it all right?

- Um, do you know what? - Any bits missing?

- I can't tell yet. - Right.

'Cause you're actually really brown.

- You're really soft.

- What? - What?

- Oh my God, you're like the biggest flirt in the world.

I'm a bit worried about your nose.

'Cause I think your nose is gonna be really white.

- Well spray me then.

Spray my nose. - I can't.

- Why not? - 'Cause you'll have

like big brown eyes.

Don't do that.

- I can't help it. - What?

- It's all wet and sticky, like

I feel like I need to-- - Yeah, but you need

to like start letting your body dry.

- Pat meself down. - Just do like that.

That's it.

Oh my God.

I think it looks hot babe.

- Do you think? - Yeah.

- As long as you think it looks hot, I don't mind.

- Yeah, it does. - I want to look nice

and brown for Mario's. - Yeah.

- How about you and Jess at the party?

Innit gonna be a bit weird?

- Um. - Not weird,

but tension sort of thing? - Yeah, I'm not really

looking forward to it to be honest.

I just wanna have fun and you know, be civil.

- You can just ignore it and just talk to everyone else.

Don't forget, everyone else is gonna be there,

I'm gonna be there and other people are gonna be there.

It's not like you're just gonna be there

in a room with you and Jess. - I sort of feel like

that though. - Yeah, but you ain't.

Just try and black it out like, block it out.

We'll be there, you can come chat with me,

do you know what I mean, there's no problem.

- Yeah, okay.

- I don't want you to wear that,

I want you to go as my husband.

- No. - I'm Mrs. Kilby.

I want you to be Mr. Kilby, and you're not having it.

- I can't be Mr. Kilby, I can't do that.

- Why?

It's fun, Tom, come on.

- It's weird.

- Why's it weird?

- To turn up like husband and wife.

- I think it's fun, it's fancy dress.

- You stayed at mine once.

- Yeah, that's how it works, don't you know that?

You go home with me, you have to marry me.

Don't you know that?

- How many times have you been married?

- A few times, I'm joking.

I've got no persuading you have I?

You're gonna let me go there rock up in my wedding dress.

- Rock up, but you look good in a wedding dress.

I'm going as a Mexican.

Do I look good?

- You look like an idiot.

- What you thinking?

- You ain't coming near me with that on.

- Oh my God.

Oh my God.

What have you got on?

What is a guitar out for?

What is the bra out for?

- What?

It was because I'm getting ready.

- Hm.

- It's a theme.

- What are you like Corpse Bride or something?

- Are you having a laugh?

I'm fucking Mrs. Kilby.

- No, shut up.

- Tom's my husband.

I was gonna see if you wanted to be my maid of honour,

as it's got to begin with M.

- Well you want to be Mr. Kilby now

you've seen her in her dress?

- No.

- You know everyone is gonna ask you what you are,

and when you tell them they're gonna think

what is she up to?

- Babe, do you think I care what anyone thinks?

Whatever, I'm still a Kilby.

- You've been wanting to be a Kilby for ages.

- I'm finally a Kilby.

[laughing]

- Look at me, looking like a babe.

- Do you like it? - Yeah.

- I bet he's got a picture like that in his bedroom.

- Yeah, I bet he has above his bed.

It's probably his quilt cover as well.

- It does look like a quilt cover, doesn't it?

Pops, do you need another sip?

- M-hm, please.

- This is so funny.

'Cause she can't lift her arms up?

- Is that enough? - It's nice.

This is like the perfect costume for me,

if you think about it because

not only am I already covered in bandages,

I can lift my arms so I can actually

walk like a mummy all night. - Yeah!

- What's happening mate?

You all right, sweet.

- About the other night,

obviously it got a bit heavy.

A bit fucking heated up.

- Ricky, you know what I'm like mate.

I'm easy, you know what I mean,

I don't want, I don't want no hard feelings,

like what ever happened the other day

I just want to completely forget about it.

It's completely forgotten.

It's forgotten. - Yeah, it was just

one of them moments where boys are just like boys.

It's like we're two reindeers, one's got their horns up

and the other's like no I ain't backing down.

And it was just a bit stupid.

And I'm just glad that we can, we're big enough

to just sort it out and we're cool.

- All right mate, well have a good night, yeah.

- I'll talk to you soon, later on.

- Jess is here, isn't she?

Have you seen her?

Have you spoke to her?

- It is weird for me,

it's really weird 'cause it's like

I feel like

I've known her for so long,

and it's like she's a complete stranger.

- I just feel like I'm stuck in the middle of it.

Because I was there and I feel like you're gonna

you're gonna bump into each other

and it's best you do speak now because

you'll leave it, leave it, and leave it

and then you'll maybe bump into each other again,

you may be drunk again and it'll kick off again.

- See, I don't want to think about that.

I don't want to think about that.

- I know you don't but you've got,

this is reality, it's real life.

It's gonna happen.

- I don't want any drama,

I don't wanna talk to Lauren

I don't want anything to do with her.

- What if she talks to you?

I just don't need rubbish anymore,

I don't need dramas in my life.

I just want to move on and be happy.

Anyway let's ignore her and have a good night, eh?

- Yeah, tell me about you and Ricky then,

what's been going on?

- He looks quite fit. - Do you know what,

we were saying earlier, I like a man in uniform.

- Yeah. - So, I reckon he's looking

quite hot tonight for you, Jess.

- Do you think? - Yeah.

Sorry I'm busy. - He seems like

a really nice boy though.

He's good looking but I don't know.

- I reckon if you like him

and tonight he wants to do a dance

or a little whatever, just go for it.

- Go for it.

My wig is telling me to tell you to go for it.

- Minnie Mouse is telling you.

- I trust the wig.

- That wasn't long.

- It was all right, yeah.

- Yeah.

- Have you heard anything else out of the norm?

- No, I just think you're a flirt.

- What? - Just that you're

just flirting. - Was I?

Don't think so.

Why, does that bother you?

- Not really. - No?

- You just flirt with everyone,

that's your game isn't it?

- I ain't got a game.

I'm not flirt, [laughing] I'm not flirting,

I'm just talking-- - Just being you, yeah?

- I'm talking to girls and I'm just overly nice.

- So even though you are flirty,

does being polite actually get you girls or not?

- You tell me?

- I don't know, you're not with me.

- I haven't got you, then it obviously don't work, does it?

Have to try something else.

- Gonna have to aren't ya? - Yeah.

- This one ain't worked. - Maybe someone else.

- Maybe someone else, maybe Lauren.

- Why are you getting so upset about her?

- Yeah, I'm really, really upset.

- Are you flirting with her?

Are you flirting with her?

You can flirt with any boy you like.

- I do. - Do ya?

- Yeah. - Crack on.

- Crack on! - Crack on!

But listen,

I'm gonna go,

I'm gonna go mingle.

- Okay. - All right.

- So I'll speak to you later. - In a little while.

- Remember what they used to call me, The Iron Lady.

The gloves. - No, I think you actually

remind me of Margaret.

Well it's a bit like now, because in our household

you're the head of the family.

But you're not the iron lady, you're the ironing lady.

- Oh, definitely!

I should've known that.

- What's happened to your hair, Margaret?

You had a heavy night, last night?

- Yeah, I did have a heavy night, yes.

With all the Labour Party.

- Wasn't she conservative?

- Dunno what she was.

- Oh, hello. - All right?

We meet again. - Yeah we do.

I'm glad, glad we meet again. - Why?

- Um, I don't know, I just wanted to clear it up to you

that I quite fancy you.

- Well, you're the one talking to Lauren and Cara

and whoever else so.. - Yeah, but like I'm talking

to Lauren and Cara, but not talking, talking.

I sorta half wanna, like if you want to,

I'd sort of want to take you out

and sort of get to know you more.

But that's completely up to you obviously.

I'm not going go yeah, yeah, she's coming out with me.

Do you know what I mean?

- Do you know what's funny, I can't take us seriously

'cause look like a prize idiot and you're dressed in this.

- Shut up! - To be fair you look

quite good, I look like a fucking idiot.

- You don't look like an idiot.

Honestly, I think you look nice.

I really do. - Thank you.

- Honestly, I've been looking at you all night,

and obviously you ain't watching me.

I've just been giving you little looks,

but you haven't paid much attention.

- Thank you. - I'll take you out,

wherever, wherever you want,

you know-- - Are you asking me out?

- Yeah, I am, I'm asking you out.

I'm saying if you wanna go somewhere,

we'll go somewhere, we'll get to know each other.

So as long as you're cool with it,

we'll go out.

- Will we? - As long as

you're cool with it.

That's what I'm saying, I'm not trying to be

trying to be cocksure. - All right,

well let's have a drink and see what happens, yeah?

- Yeah.

- Can you do that?

- Joey, man.

Of course I can do that, anyone can do that.

- Do it.

- What about, what about the techno clock?

- The what? - The techno clock, innit.

[laughing]

- What the fuck is techno clock?

- Girls, you look amazing.

Billie, I've got to say, you probably

look the best out of everyone.

- Just do the voice. - Homie!

- That is it!

That is it!

Where's Charlie then? - He's not turn up yet.

- Is he coming?

- Well, yeah but-- - I want to meet him.

- I wanna meet him. - I want yous two to meet him,

I'm really excited but-- - He might even be here.

Have you spoke to him? - No, he's not here yet.

He's taking ages getting ready probably.

- Oh my God, is that him? - Gandhi?

- That is not him.

That is not him, he is sick.

- Don't be ashamed of your man,

he's turned up and you're trying to deny it.

- Shut up, I know he's spiritual,

but he don't look like that.

He's very good looking.

How does Gandhi begin with an M though?

It's an M party.

Is it Mohammad Gandhi?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- My phone just went.

Who's this?

- Look at her taking her gloves off to get her phone out.

- Charlie. - Charlie?

What's he saying?

- Hi, Gem, I'm so sorry but it doesn't look like

I'm gonna make the party.

Something has cropped up which I can't get out of.

- Oh no!

- Oh, that's a bit disappointing innit?

- Do you know what?

Don't worry he's not worth it. - I'm not gonna cry or

anything but whatever.

What's more important than me? - Exactly.

You're not gonna let him

upset you like how Mick did.

Charlie's missing out.

- That's the thing though,

like 'cause you're looking forward to it

but I thought that it'd be nice

for him to meet everyone today.

- I was so excited about meeting him.

I'm pissed off with Charlie.

- You know, I chose this outfit choice

because I didn't want to look weird in fancy dress.

- Yeah, you wanted to be like sexy for your new man.

- Yeah, I don't wanna look embarrassing.

- If it's meant to be, its meant to be.

If he ain't come tonight and he's saying something's

cropped up, give a shit.

Do you know what I mean?

- Yeah, give a shit.

- Yeah, give a shit.

- Give a shit.

- It's a bit embarrassing though

'cause I've told people he's gonna come.

- No, it's not.

Don't worry.

I'm not being funny but if he's not

gonna come then more fool him.

- I just don't have that much luck with men, do I?

[techno music]

- Athos, Pothos, Dartanian and then there's one more.

- It ain't, there's three musketeers.

- There's four. - There's three.

- There's a little nutter. - Are you bring serious?

It's three musketeers. - Yeah, but there's

a little one who comes in and was like--

- No, it ain't 'cause otherwise

it'd be called the four musketeers.

- No, 'cause it's just the three musketeers and the guy.

And Dartanian, Athos, and Pothos.

- What do they do?

What are each of them like 'cause I wanna know

what one I am. - You're the big fat one.

- The big fat one? - Yeah, Pothos.

- This is like quite uncomfortable, isn't it?

I don't like it. - Yeah, I know.

But I think babe, you've got an opportunity now,

haven't you to speak to Jess? - I want to.

At the end of the day I do want to talk to her

'cause I want out of the whole family.

I want out of the relationship, I want out of it all.

I wanna go back to Lauren I was before I met them.

And for me it's closure.

I've got other things to worry about.

I don't need to be dragged back again into it,

it's like that's a topic, that's her topic at the minute.

And I've got more in my life to talk about.

- Maybe she's holding on to you as I don't know.

- I don't know.

It's hard innit? - I know.

- Do you think I should go over there now?

- I'm here all right, if you need me.

I'm here, I'll stay here okay?

- Okay. - Okay, all right.

Can I have a word?

- You okay?

Do you want us to wait?

- No, no, no. - Are you sure?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

Okay.

- Right, obviously what has happened between us

and stuff, obviously it's awful

and it's upsetting and it's very hard for me

considering how long I've known you.

But obviously there's a lot of hearsay going on here

and I feel

are you listening? - Yeah, I'm listening.

- I just feel that

it is weird that I've come over here

'cause I do feel uncomfortable.

It's like-- - How do you think I feel?

I don't know what to say Lauren.

If I'm honest.

I really don't know what to say.

I'm seriously drained.

You know how much I've stood by you

and you know deep down in your heart,

you know I've always been there for you.

- The fact is you haven't really been there for me.

- How can you say that? - I don't think you have.

- How can you say that? - You didn't even text me

when my shop blew up. - How can you say that?

- Didn't even text me. - Didn't I BBM you?

- No, you didn't.

- Liar. - You did not BBM me.

- Did you not see my status on BBM?

- No, I didn't see your status on BBM.

- Well then, you missed it.

Listen, I introduced you into my friendship

when we were 15 years of age.

And I brought you in with open arms.

- That's what breaks my heart.

Because you always had an issue with me for some reason.

- No, you've had an issue with me.

This is what started it the other night.

Yes, you have. - Listen, I'm not

going to row with you, I'm really

not going to row with you again.

- I'm not rowing with you.

Say sorry for once in your life.

- You say sorry!

I text you. - Why should I apologise?

Did I slag your family off? - You went in my face

the other day, right, you went in my face.

- Yeah, of course, I did 'cause of

what you were saying to me!

I'm a nobody, I'm a wannabe.

- I'm not standing here having a row with you, Jess.

Grow up!

- Do you know what, I'm not interested,

stay away from my family, stay away from me.

- Girls, girls, girls. - Don't get involved now.

- No, Mario. - It's my party.

- We're not interested. - Mario please,

I've had enough of it.

You're rude, you're out of order.

- What you doing? - Frankie!

- You've known each other for so many years.

- Yes, I know, exactly.

And I've stuck up for her

and all she does is throw it in my face.

You don't care 'cause you're rude to me,

you slag me off every minute you've got!

- Do I say that, Frankie? - I love you and I've always

cared for you and all you do is throw it in my face.

- Are you having a laugh?

- I'm not interested in you anymore.

All I've ever bought into your life,

I don't wanna know anymore.

Go away! - Attention seeking.

- I'm not attention seeking.

- I've had enough. - I don't want it anymore

in my life. - Fucking hell.

- I want to go home.

- Get a drink?

- Let's get another drink.

- Two Jaegers, let's go.

- Look at me in this tennis dress.

- You actually do look like you're about to go

play a game of tennis though.

I'm not gonna lie.

- I'm Maria Gepravova.

- Sharapova, innit? - Sharapova.

Obviously she's blonde, but I decided that if anyone

says to me like Maria Sheparaova is blonde.

- Sharapova. - Sharapova is blonde,

I say to them yeah, but she dyed her hair brown for charity.

- All right, darling. - Nice to see you.

- All right, Mrs. Kilby.

- Is that what you are? - Yeah.

- Obviously I'm Mrs. Kilby.

Uh, we're knackered, we're gonna go home, all right?

- All right then, have a nice night.

- Going home?

See you later, darling.

- Awkward moment, see you later.

- See you later.

- I'll see you later. - Have a good night.

- Bye!

- Is that a bit weird?

- Weird, awkward.

- Are they going back to yours or Billi's?

- I don't fucking know.

- Do you want to know? - No, I don't.

Probably mine.

[slow dance music]

- Will you

move in with me?

- Yes.

Oh God, I thought you were going

to say something else, then.

- Just trust me for once.

Go with it for once.

Okay?

- Oh my God.

- Go on, Gemma!

- Oh!

Crumbs!

- Meet Charlie!

- Charlie!

- Do you reckon he'll pick her up?

- I think that's what he has to do.

Like the film, yeah.

[laughing]

[cheering]

Oh, he was gonna grab her boob then, did you see that?

- Can I say one thing? - What?

- He's not gay.

- [Narrator] Next time on The Only Way is Essex,

will Arg's unique training regime lead to marathon glory?

- Someone push me!

- [Narrator] Which girl will be next on Ricky's hit list?

- She gets mean.

- [Narrator] And will Joey ever leave Little Joey alone?

- Why do you keep going like that?

- What that?

Well you see, I can't help it, I just do it.

- [Narrator] Who knows?

These people are real.

And anything can happen on The Only Way is Essex.

- My balls!

[whistling]