Original subtitles

and someone getting a mouthful.

The tans you see might be fake

but the people are all real,

although some of what they do

has been set up purely for your entertainment.

Previously, on The Only Way is

- Oh my god, Mario!

- We call him Bentley. - Yeah?

- He's got the three day roll.

- Bentley he is! [laughs]

- You weren't right to give her a arch.

It hurts, but I cannot be with you.

- Oi, [mumbles]

- Do you know what [mumbles] is?

- What?

- You and Billy, that's fuckin' [mumbles].

- [mumbles]

- She gets mean.

[jazz music]

[upbeat music]

- You know what, let 'em get on with it.

But I tell you what-- - But that's it though--

- If I keep hearing things about that Ricky

talkin', like doing snidey things behind my back

and then lickin' my arse when he sees me,

I'm gonna put him in his place.

And I'll have a word with him next time I see him and all.

She found out I told you that we'd slept together

and she's just gone off on one basically.

I wasn't trying to make her look bad

that she got me round there and it was her intentions,

blah, blah, you know, it wasn't like that.

I did tell you the truth.

Like I said she was genuinely concerned about me

and, why are you laughing?

[stifled laughing]

- You are literally nonstop talking [mumbles].

- You just done a huge speech then.

[laughing]

All you had to say is just tell me what's happened.

- Well I, basic, the long--

- We just wanna know what happened.

- All right, I'm trying to get it out of my system.

- I know, I know. [laughing]

- At the end of the day, Lydia's just upset

because she doesn't want, she doesn't wanna make

she doesn't want people to think that she's lead me on,

but I've made-- [laughing]

What?

- I'm not laughing, he's laughing.

- Well, it's just this whole thing's well ridiculous,

it's got well out of hand.

- Yeah, but Arg what have I told you mate,

didn't I say one thing, I told you to move on,

I didn't tell you how, like I said, the law book.

- And I am. - And so move on.

- I am now, I'm happy today, I'm positive,

and I want to enjoy myself and have fun.

We got a free house for like, a week.

Just couch, PlayStation, phones, games.

- Guitars.

- Why don't you [mumbles],

lets fuckin' have a bit of fun, yeah?

[rock music]

- We're gonna get sprinkles, we're making Essex pancakes.

Should we make-- - Pink!

- You wanna make them pink?

- Yeah.

- What a great idea, yeah.

Put the pink in.

And then what else can we get to put on top of them?

- We can get, some chocolate spread.

- These are gonna be the most fattening pancakes in Essex.

Right?

Right, look for the marshmallows.

- There here mum.

- Good girl, we'll put those in.

Right, so you happy we've got everything.

- Yep.

- All right lets get these in. - Get this.

- Maybe we'll just drag it.

We needed to get a trolley really, we're silly.

- [Madison] I feel like a old lady holding it.

- [Chloe] I am an old lady.

- I am an old lady [mumbles].

[knocking]

[mumbles]

- Hi! - You all right?

- You all right? - Yes, thank you.

- Good, I'm fine thank you babe.

- Come on in. - Is Lucy here?

- She is, she's always here. - Good.

Yeah I bet. [laughing]

- [Mario] You do realise Cara, that my offer has expired

but you come around yeah?

- What?

- What did you say? - I'm joking, I'm joking!

- I didn't even hear what you said,

what did you say?

- Probably better you didn't.

- What, what did you say then mug?

- This is Bentley.

- Hello Bentley.

Can I hold him?

- Course you can. - Yeah.

- He cries all the time.

- So you all right with me popping over?

- Yeah?

- Yeah, why would I care?

- Good, and everything is all right with you and Luce now?

- Yeah, [mumbles].

You don't have to apologise, you're in an

awkward position as well.

It was out of order, so.

- Hey Cara!

- Hello gorgeous!

- You okay? - She was talking to the dog.

- Fine, how are you?

[laughing] - Yeah I was.

Bentley! - Ain't he lovely.

- Hello baby, excuse me.

- He's like your little baby.

- He actually is a little baby.

It is making us stay in more, definitely.

- Yeah it will do.

- Like we didn't come to Sugarhut the other night,

how was it, is there any gossip?

- Loads of gossip Luce.

- What?

- Had a little kiss with Ricky, but--

- You kissed Ricky? - I kissed Ricky.

- You kissed Ricky? - I kissed Ricky.

- Shut up!

- Not like a full on snog or anything,

just like a kiss.

- I thought Ricky was gay.

- What! [laughing]

- I heard Ricky was gay.

- Well I hope not.

[laughing]

- So do I for your sake!

- Really?

No I don't think so. - No, sweet.

- I don't think so.

- Did he kiss like a gay guy?

- I don't know, [mumbles].

- Well, yeah.

[laughing]

- Well my brothers ended up flipping out.

- I probably would as well, to be honest.

- Would you?

- If I saw my sister getting with someone else.

- This is what I was gonna ask you though, would you?

- Yeah. - Would you?

- Brothers are protective.

- Have you heard from Ricky since?

- Yeah yeah yeah.

- Has he asked you out on a date?

- No. - No?

- Not yet, no, not yet like I know.

- [Lucy] Do you want to?

- Yeah I suppose I do.

Suppose I can't kiss him and then say no I don't wanna date.

[laughing]

- True.

[rock music]

- Right, chilli powder.

- Tabasco sauce, that looks nice.

- There you are, good.

What are you watching?

- Not much just clicking through.

- That looks good that film dunnit?

[laughing]

What's happening?

- Not much, what are you saying?

[laughing] - You're worrying me.

What's the matter, you come across so weird.

- Nothing.

- [Diags] What's happening.

- What's happening mate. - What's happening.

Bacon sandwiches. - Aw, buzzin'!

- The thick the fat and the ugly.

- Hold on boys.

- Sweet, so what we gonna do then.

- I don't know man.

Maybe later on, just like...

[laughing]

- You put fuckin' chilli in my sandwich.

I'm not fick!

- [mumbles] why are you such a fuckin' idiot?

- I know every trick in the book.

- You eat everything else but you don't eat a fuckin--

- I can full feel shit, now I'll have that one.

And you can give me that, thank you.

[laughing]

- All right now I got a fuckin' chilli sandwich.

- No, I'll tell you what we'll do,

I'll tell you what we'll do for banter, yeah,

we'll do ching chang walla, and whoever loses,

has to eat one, come on that's fair innit.

- Right. - Shake, you two shake.

- Sweet. - Me and Joe shake.

- Why is it, horrible mate.

- [laughs] put that down! - All right.

Ching chang walla.

- All right comin' in.

- Ching chang walla!

- Boom, oh! - Oh you lost bruv!

- You lost! - You lost bruv!

- Double whammy. - Eat one of them mate.

Eat one of them Diags, you mug.

Eat it now!

- And he made most of it as well.

- Eat it, eat it! - Oh!

[laughing]

- I don't know what happened last night.

- I keep going through like the night--

- I know, yeah. - In my head.

It's your fault.

- I know. [laughing]

I know a little bit is my fault.

But it's just when its in front of me,

I know and I'm drunk and we're all round the table,

like as much as her fault, it's Ricky's fault as well.

- Yeah I know. - The next time I see him

I'll have a chat with him about it.

- [Billi] Yeah.

- Because it's boys code, you just don't do that.

- I think you having a go at Cara last night

didn't really help the situation for me and you though.

- Yeah I know.

- Does she know that you're here?

- I think she's gone to Lucy's actually, so no.

- Mhmm. - I know.

- I just think she thinks, and we're like,

we've known each other for years.

- [Tom] Mhmm.

- But she probably don't think nothing will come of it.

- But we'll see what happens.

Ay?

- Why worry now?

- Yeah, why worry now?

- I feel like I'm taking a risk a little bit.

With, not with you.

But more with Cara.

- You wanna take a risk every now and then, yeah?

- [mumbles]

[laughing]

But more of a risk with Cara, like I feel like

am I pushing that friendship barrier with her?

- I don't know, like you know her differently to me,

don't you? - Yeah.

I'm gonna talk to her and sort everything out.

And see, you know, how she feels about everything

that's going on. - Yeah definitely.

That's the best thing to do innit?

- Yeah.

[electronic music]

- What about Ricky at the party?

- Oh no.

- He was such a flirt. - I know!

- Did he flirt with you? - No!

[laughing]

Anyway he thought I was you! - Yeah!

I think Cara's really into him.

- Yeah.

- Then like, apparently Lauren fancies him as well.

- Yeah, hmm.

I think he's gonna end up falling out with them all

the way he's going, because I think what he's gonna do,

he's gonna chat up Cara. - Mm.

- Take her out, and then obviously he's gonna have,

I don't know, maybe Lauren on the side or something

and I just don't think it's gonna work.

- Yeah.

- I don't know if we can take it.

And what, with Arg and Lydia's situation,

I think I gotta run away from Essex!

- I know, exactly, that's how I feel.

- I can't believe your hair actually,

every time I look at you. [laughs]

- Oh my god. - It can't be that bad.

- I've had so many comments.

Carol, Carol's daughter, Carol's lost child.

- Don't give me any more, I've got four.

- I know, and I think to myself, god

good job I'm not bloody Carol's like daughter in law.

[laughing] That'd be a bit weird.

Wouldn't it? - That's all right.

No it looks really nice, how you coping with it?

- Do you know what, I love it.

- And it's really easy. - I think it's so much easier

like to blow dry, to style, and it--

- You look so much younger. - Yeah.

- Oh Carol, it's you! - Hi!

- You was in there a long time.

- Give it ten minutes.

[laughing]

- Billie! - Billie!

[laughing]

She's still the lady.

I'm glad she has had her hair cut the same way!

[laughing]

- You all right?

- Hi yeah, what can I get you?

- Can I get a latte. - Mhmm.

- With some chocolate sprinkled on top.

[laughing]

- Anything else?

- No that'd be it, thanks.

Have a good one.

You up babe, you all right?

You still on for tonight?

Just a couple of drinks, yeah?

All right lovely, go on I'll see you tonight.

All right, bye bye, bye.

- Nah, I just feel like, I feel like I was

really lookin' forward to 2012,

- Yeah.

- But I don't feel like, I just dunno,

I just don't feel like I've gone off to a good start.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Why?

- I don't know.

Just lonely in my house.

But like Joey's got Diags round,

and his mates round all the time.

I've got Chloe.

- Mhmm.

- But Chloe's got her own life.

- Yeah.

- And like now Mum not there, it's just

I just feel like I'm becoming like a woman.

- Aw, don't get upset, you're making me want to cry.

[sad laughing]

- I just feel like, I don't know.

I just feel like I've got no one to talk to.

- Aw, babe.

- There's no one there.

Like, who I can just pick up the phone who's like

just there for me.

- There's nothing wrong with that, honestly.

I think you worry too much and like I'm always here,

you can come the flat any time you want.

- I know.

- Honestly. - Thank you.

- Don't feel like you're putting me out.

Don't ever feel like you're on your own,

if you ever feel like this just ring me.

- I feel like I've got so much time on my hands

that I need to start doin' something.

- Yeah, I wish I had time on my hands, god.

- That's what I mean, obviously your,

like you got your shop and stuff so.

- Yeah, I think we should something,

make a pact so that way once a week or twice a week--

- Maybe I need a little-- - That's it.

- Spruce up in the shop. - Yeah!

- Get my teeth whitened. - Spray tan.

- HD brows. - That's what we'll do.

HD brows.

- That's what I might do, just a new me.

- Yeah, course you can.

Come in and feel better.

I've wrote a letter to Kate Middleton to come down.

- The princess? [laughing]

Princess Kate? - Yeah.

- Where'd you sent it to?

- No I'm joking, no I would love her to come down

that would be lovely, amazing.

- Oh wouldn't it? - Yeah.

I think she's so stunning.

I'd like to give her a nice spray tan.

- Yeah, take five years. - I think that could look good

that's it. - Give her like,

a little bit of Essex.

- Give her the Essex look.

I'm sure she'll love it.

- Oh, that'd be so good for you.

- Yeah. [laughs]

- 17, 18, 14.

[choking]

[laughing]

- Oh, oh!

- Crunch 'em, there you go.

Your mouth has got more [mumbles].

[laughing]

Oh my god, how much is that, 21?

- 22.

- 22 yeah, put one in there look.

[laughing]

- Ooh!

- [Joey] Get away from me.

- Right, I'm feeling a tent of teddies.

- I love rolling around in a tent of teds.

- Come on then.

[laughing]

Wait, wait, wait.

- Wait I need more teddies in here.

[farting] - Oh!

[laughing]

[grunting]

Seriously!

That's not how you play tent of teddies!

- Nanny Brighton!

- Oh James, what are you doing?

Mummy said, would I have a look in on you?

- Do you want to get me out of here please?

- Who's in there?

Oh dear.

- [Arg] How come you've left Brighton to come and see me?

- Just to make sure-- - Okay.

- That you're behaving yourself.

Well what can I say now?

[laughing]

Can't say anything can I?

- I mean Nanny, I'm 24 years old.

- Oh are you?

Oh dear, well that time went a bit fast didn't it?

[laughing]

- Cupcakes. - Ooh lovely Lyd.

Ooh they look gorgeous.

- I've decided I no longer want to speak like an Essex girl.

- What you talkin' about?

- I just really want my next man to be like,

instead of being like, oh come on love,

I'll take you down Sugarhut for a pint!

I want him to be like, oh Lydia,

let's go to the museum or go see the opera.

- So what have you actually investigated?

- I've investigated into elocution lessons.

- Elocution lessons?

- Yes. [laughs]

- Come on, practise.

- So like, instead of sayin' you all right Mum?

How you doin'?

I'll be like Hello mother, how is one today?

[laughing]

- His family, if he's really posh,

they go oh what's your name?

And you go oh, my name's Lydia, how do you do?

How, how do you do?

And then you say would you like to meet my family?

Then what?

- You've got to practise!

Oh my god, can you imagine?

- It'll be like meeting the Fockers, won't it!

- It will.

- How now brown cow.

[laughing]

- You sound like a whale, mum!

- How now brown cow! - Hello!

- Hiya, how you doin' babes?

- Hello!

- I hope you don't mind, I just wanted to pop in

and introduce myself.

I'm literally opening up an academy,

a hairdressing academy. - Yeah.

- Just at the top of the road.

- Actually, probably do something to mine, Lydia.

What do you think?

- Well, you've got a lovely head of hair.

- It's good today, isn't it Bobby?

- It's beautiful. - Absolutely fantastic.

- I love it, nice little curl goin' on the end.

- I'm going to leave it to you.

- You've done it beaut, you manage it well.

- Thank you darlin'.

- You really look like Gok Wan.

- I get that a hell of a lot, everyone stops me.

- Doesn't he look like Gok Wan?

- Better lookin' though, Lyd.

- Yeah, better lookin' than Gok Wan.

- Much better lookin' than Gok Wan.

- Aw, thank you.

- Well I'm so happy you're gonna bring a bit of life

to us, isn't he?

- Yeah, oh look, here we go.

Here's a welcome cupcake Bobby.

- Hey, we got one here honey. - Oh, thank you.

- No that one dropped on the floor.

- Oh do you still fancy that one?

- I don't mind, [mumbles].

- She's trying to poison you already!

There you go, you can have a fresh one.

- Thank you hun. - Welcome Bob.

- That's lovely.

- And I'm so glad we're neighbours.

I want us to go out as well!

- Defo, we'll go out, have a few drinks.

- I like your style!

- Love it, Gay best friend?

- Yeah. [laughing]

- I left Sugarhut with Tom.

- Yeah.

- Went home though, like weren't nothing.

- What so you went home together?

- Yeah, we left together.

- Did you go home together though?

- No, I went home.

- Bill, are you lying?

- I did, I went home.

- Did ya?

- Yeah!

- Okay.

I just don't believe you.

[laughing]

- I won't lie to ya.

- I've just never ever seen the signs of it.

Like, we go out us three all the time.

I've never ever spotted like, you know,

Tom fancies you and you fancy Tom.

[laughing]

It's like one minute I'm like yes,

I'm like gonna have like Billi round all the time,

even though you're round all the time anyway,

but like it's going to be different,

and then the next minute I'm thinking,

this is going to cause me ag.

It's just like, even silly little things,

down to me having a conversation with you about,

you know, girls have a little chat about me and you would--

- Like sex talk and that?

- I don't wanna know about you and Tom.

- Well I won't tell ya.

- Yeah but I do wanna know!

[laughing]

- That's the thing, you don't wanna know,

but you do.

- It is the thing, I do wanna know, but I don't wanna know.

- All right, let's, we're taking it slow, yeah?

Step by step. - Yeah.

- If you wanna know, I'll tell you,

if you don't I won't.

But, the thing what I don't wanna happen is

things become weird between me and you.

I know the situation's weird, but what,

like I don't wanna fall out with you, you know.

- Listen Bill, we're never ever gonna fall out.

If you wanna go out with Tom, you go out with Tom,

but I think it'll work so much better

if I've got a boyfriend too!

- Yeah, do me a right favour.

- I just don't think it's gonna work if I'm single

and yous two are together.

- Yeah.

- But, I don't know.

[upbeat music]

- Essex pancake day is all about

accessorising your pancake.

A heart for that, that.

You got spray, you can spray it.

- Right so I'm gonna flip this now.

- Oh my god I'm scared.

- Me too.

- Be careful.

[screaming]

- Yay!

- Well done, You're such a good tosser Georgina!

[laughing]

- Oh, that's nice. - That's a good one.

- That's lovely, that looks really expensive that one.

- It does look exquisite. - Yeah.

Don't you want a bit?

Don't you want my vajazzled pancake?

- Right so, Lauren.

- Mhmm.

Question. [giggling]

Question. - Yeah.

- Do you know what pancake day is for?

Like why we celebrate it?

- Well, I reckon it's something to do with

someone with a surname pancake, maybe.

- You're not really getting it, are ya?

- No.

- Basically it means that pancakes' day is 40 days

before Easter - Oh.

- And people who are religious.

I think it's Catholic, they do that what is it?

Yead or ead, or something like that thing?

No Zen, Len!

- Lent!

- Lent! - Lent.

- Yeah, and then they give up something.

In the olden days they used to use all their good stuff

on pancake day and then not eat for 40 days.

- What, so in the olden days, eggs and flower

was considered good stuff?

- Probably, 'cause they had nothing, did they?

It was like, they used to keep--

- That's the stuff you make cakes and that with isn't it?

Like with flour? - It's good stuff.

- Yeah but like, in this day and age, I don't really

have an interest in all that religious stuff, you know?

- No it's all about the new stuff.

This is a new religion, new pancake day.

- Mm.

- Pancake day is about-- - Glittery pancake day.

- Yeah. - It's Essex pancake day.

- Like celebrating being from Essex.

That's what it should be all about.

- What's happenin' babe you alright?

Listen, I'm runnin' ten minutes late,

so I'll see you soon yeah.

That all right yeah, cool babe, see you soon.

[groovy music]

[laughing]

- It's lovely to have you.

- Oh yeah it's nice to see you anyhow.

- It's a long while since we've see one another, innit.

- I mean it was Arg's birthday.

- I know.

- Here you go girls. - Oh my!

- Don't say I don't treat ya.

- Ooh, my goodness me. - That's lovely.

- Take your picture, It won't happen.

- Cheers mate. - Cheers!

Oh thank you. - Cheers, everyone.

- Cheers.

- Cheers Joey.

- It's so pointless, I mean pancake day,

it's the most pointless day of the year.

- You guys been down Romford Arcadiar lately?

- Yeah, we've actually bin down there the other day.

- Have you taken any other girls there on dates?

- No, kinda went bad last time.

- No, I have, you getting jel?

- Oh my god, you cheated on us at Romford Arcadia?

- I knew yous two thought it was a date, that's why.

- It was so a date Joey.

- Yeah I know, I know you did.

- But now I've heard that you think I'm boring.

Moody, pointless.

Mrs. Pointless, Why?

Yeah, but I don't understand like, I get the moody thing

but why pointless?

Why call me that?

That's not nice.

- I know, the word Mrs. Pointless it's like it's a nickname.

I'm not saying you're pointless, you're not pointless,

obviously, no one's point--

- Well the more you call me that,

you call me Miss pointless. - Yeah because you--

- So obviously you do think that I'm pointless.

- Yeah, because yous, because you was being

horrible that night.

It's like you're always negative all the time.

It is like it's you're always negative.

- Actually, I'm a really positive person.

But you don't know me well enough

to call me moody and stuff.

- I do, I took you out on like a little meal thing--

- Meal?

- All right popcorn turnout.

[laughing]

It was nice though, weren't it.

- Mm.

[rock music]

[laughing]

- [Arg] You've had one sip and you're drunk already.

- Thank goodness for that.

[laughing]

- Oh no, Nanny Brighton's drunk.

- Oh, what a cheek!

[laughing]

- Nanny Brighton's really drunk.

- Why are you drunk after a few,

You been drinking all day, ain't ya?

- No, I have not, two glasses I'm away.

- Three.

- Oh, why are you--

- I'm counting. - Oh, she's counting!

- What's happenin' Arg, you alright?

What's happenin' mate, you good?

Hi Jess, nice to meet ya.

I've gotta go 'cause I'm late already.

- Who's that?

- Cold?

- What time do you call this?

- Sorry I'm late.

- You all right?

- It's chilly.

You've started to drink without me I see?

- Yeah.

- Not gonna get me anything?

- No, I'm definitely not gonna get you one,

you go and get me one.

- A beer with some lime, if possible.

- What's like an ideal boob size for you?

- You know what, you feel 'em sometimes and--

- When did you ever feel boob jobs?

- Have you ever felt a pair of boobs?

- Yeah! [laughing]

- Yeah.

- Natural ones, obviously, they're like

more squidgeyer,

- Yeah.

- And then like sometimes they're a bit harder.

- Yeah, but some people get, some people,

like some people get them made, don't they, to be harder,

so they wake up going like that.

- Like solid, yeah.

- They go like that and their boobs just go like this.

And some of 'em be like this.

You go like that, they'll be like this.

[laughing]

Do you know what I mean?

Innit? - What like saggy?

Boob jobs would never do that.

- I like it as long as they're not like drooping into,

they look like a dog's face.

You know what I mean like-- - Oh, like a bulldog?

- Yeah like that, it's like drooping down

or it's like ski slope--

- What a boob that looks like a dog face?

- Or a ski slope, so it goes [whooshing].

- Aw mate. - No, you don't want that.

What there's nothing there and then just tit underneath?

- Yeah it goes--

- Why have you ever had that?

- And then the nipple's there, and you're like,

why are you there?

You're meant to be like there man.

- See I've got the opposite, my nipples are so high.

- So you've got cliffs.

- Yeah, I've got cliffs! [laughs]

- You've got diving boards?

- I've got diving boards!

- You've got diving boards, I didn't realise.

[laughing]

- They're always doing this.

- Tip of the iceberg.

- Who's in America then?

- What's the matter? - What?

- What's the matter?

- No, nothing.

- Why are you bothered?

- I wonder who he's come to meet.

- Well, I'm sure it's not Lydia.

- I had the weirdest dream once, that someone

was gonna say I was gonna meet this girl,

- Yeah.

- With the initials KC, so I got it tattooed on me.

- KC?

- Mm.

- Really?

- Is that your name?

- No, mine's CK. - Is it?

Oh shit, CK.

- How's your luck that you've only met me.

- 'Cause, normally I call you Kilby Cara.

- Do ya?

- Yeah, all the time.

What's happening Kilby Cara?

- No, you don't. - Yeah.

- That would be so weird if my name was Kilby Cara.

I've got a tattoo.

- Why haven't I seen it, Whereabouts is this?

- It's not rude actually, it's just here.

- Right, so is it I show me, and you show yours?

- Another wine?

- It's not just that, I'm not just worried

whether he's meeting Lydia or not.

- Why, what you worried about?

- I've been waiting to see him, ain't I,

call him up on a few things.

- Why?

He's not done anything.

- He has, Jess.

- Listen, at the end of the day, right,

you're not with Lydia and they're old family friends,

they're gonna talk.

- Jess, that's fine, it's none of my business.

- Obviously that night--

- That's fine, no, but that's fine,

I can understand that, I've got no say,

he can do whatever he wants, she can do whatever she wants.

Don't start coming up to me saying hello to me,

and in the past making out he's my mate

bantering me, buying me drinks, and stuff like that

and then behind my back flirting with the girl

I've just broken up with after 4 years,

or potentially saying he wants to try it on with her.

- Was he flirtin'?

- Yeah, he has been flirting, yeah.

- So why are you attracted to me?

- I never said I was.

- Really?

So why are we having this romantic drink?

- No, I'm only joking.

- See, I know.

- I can't believe I kissed you in the middle of Sugarhut.

- You did kiss me, it's true.

- No, you bit my face.

- And then you kissed me. - Which is weird.

- It's not weird. - That is weird.

- It's not, it obviously worked.

'Cause after the bite.

- You went in for the kiss.

- You got the kiss.

It will happen again though.

- Really?

We'll see, I've just had my lips done, so I'm not sure.

- Let me see.

- Are they more kissable now?

Mate, I can't stop smiling.

- You gotta stop smiling, it's better off.

Do you want me to tell you a trick to stop smiling?

Right, come here.

Put your hands like that, this is to stop smiling.

Right ready, you need to close your eyes.

'Cause this is for your lips don't forget.

Now just relax, right, see now you've stopped smiling.

See!

- You are such an idiot!

I knew what you were gonna do!

- How do you stop smiling!

No, do you know what, I never thought that'd work.

Someone told me it didn't work, thought I'd try it.

- Just keep calm, right.

Oh, I don't know.

- He'll be alright?

- Will he be alright?

- Yeah.

- Sure?

- Yeah, he'll be alright.

- I don't think that would ever make me--

- It would help you, have you tried it?

Whenever you get angry at me try it

and I guarantee it works.

- You alright?

- What's happening mate, you alright?

- Yeah, Cara would you give me 2 minutes?

Literally Jess, Nanny Pat and Nanny Brighton

are just around the corner. - Yes darlin', course I will.

Is that alright?

- Of course it is.

- Cheers.

- It's all right babe.

- James?

What's happenin' mate?

- Right, listen.

Lydia's not my girlfriend at this moment in time

so she's free to do whatever she wants.

Even if I wanna say something I can't

'cause shes not my girlfriend, I've got no right to.

And even though I know you as an acquaintance

I wouldn't particularly say you was a mate.

- Best mate, yeah.

- The thing that bugs me Rick is,

and I don't just hear it, I see it,

is you're flirting with Lydia non-stop,

and not just that, Rick, I also hear that

you're making snidey comments to people like Joey and Diags

sayin' oh, I wouldn't crack on with Lydia right now

'cause it's fresh, but I will move onto her soon.

- No, no, no, listen, you're gonna get,

this is what happens in Essex.

I'm not cracking on with Lydia.

Yes, I'm a flirt, yes, if I didn't have

known her for 8 years I probably would go out with her.

She's a lovely girl, you know that yourself.

- Rick, you're more than welcome to flirt

with whoever you want. - Yeah.

- And you can flirt with Lydia all day long if you want,

but I think you should start to a little bit

take into consideration, we was together for four years

and the break up's been hard on both of us.

So maybe you should consider that a little bit.

- Do you what it is right?

I could easily be muggy about this.

I could say what's it go to do with you mate?

Like I don't care like, I will crack on.

- That's fine. - Yeah, I know.

- Then I'd be able to walk away knowing

that you're not a mate, do you know what I mean?

- That's what I'm saying, but I haven't.

I've sat down and I've told you the truth,

I've told you what happened and that's that.

I'm a nice guy, if you wanna bring something to light

down to the table now, we'll talk about it

and we'll have a beer and we'll have a drink.

- But all I need to know now is,

just so now its out in the open, I either wanna know now,

you're either gonna potentially gonna crack on with Lydia

or make snidey comments behind my back.

- I am with Cara, that is that.

Do you know what I mean?

I'm not moving onto Lydia later on, that is it, All right?

Well...

Awkward.

- He was getting his self all worked up here earlier.

- Oh, he's back now.

- Arg.

- All right - All right babes.

- All right? - You can go back.

- Oh really?

- Yeah.

- Is that alright?

- See you later. - Cheers.

- Yeah. - Have fun.

- Well? - Well?

- Well, I feel a bit better now,

but it's all dependent on what he does from here, eh?

- Does he, did you put him straight?

- I said what I had to say.

- What happened?

- What happened?

- What didn't happen?

- Come through like a bull in a china shop.

- Is he really angry?

- Not so much angry, but like, fed lies, sort of thing.

- So what happened?

- No, I'm really in my wave right now.

- Okay. - 'Cause I'm pissed off.

- Oh really?

- I'm fuckin' fuming.

- With who?

- Everyone right now, this is bullshit.

- You got the ump?

- Yeah, I got the fuckin' ump.

I've known the girl for 10 years,

why would I talk about crackin' on with her

if it weren't fresh?

- So what's happened?

So basically-- - They said to me--

- Have you said to Diags and Joey,

do you wanna crack on with her?

- They said to me, no no, they said

would you crack on with her, right,

and I said yes, if I didn't know her for 10 years,

and she weren't with Arg.

Because there's no reason why I wouldn't.

Am I the only person here that understands that?

- No, I understand what you're sayin',

just don't pipe up.

- I need to pipe up 'cause I honestly

don't think you're listening.

- No, do not pipe up, no, I am listening.

- I honestly do not think you're listening.

- I am totally listening to you.

- I feel like I was wondering whose side you were on, right.

Come straight up and on my ball.

- No listen, I'm not saying that.

- I feel like I should check on Cara.

- Go on.

- No, I don't want people bullshitting about me,

making me look like a prick.

Listen right, I'm straight up. - So whatever.

- I'll go straight up to him

and say listen I have said that,

sorry to have offended you.

It wasn't supposed to come out like that.

- Did you say it or not?

- No!

'Cause I would say that to you.

I'd say look, he's not here, I'd say look,

listen, I did say it and it was a bit awkward.

- What's all the shouting about?

We heard it from all the way over

the other side of the restaurant.

Are you all right?

- Yeah, babe I'm fine.

We're just having a conversation about the whole Arg.

- I don't like bullshit.

So you don't even need to hear this anyway.

It's my business, it's mine and Arg's business.

- Fair enough, I just wanna check that she's all right.

- I'm fine darling, thank you.

- We can hear the shouting across the restaurant,

It's the first date. - You're right.

- You shouldn't be doing this. [laughing]

Seriously.

- It's not a date, it's just a drink.

- We're not talking about us anyway.

- Whatever, have a drink.

- It isn't about us.

- Okay well.

- Thanks for your concern anyway though.

- Forget everyone else in Essex, enjoy your night,

have a drink and talk about you two.

- Yeah, that's cool.

- I think we need another drink.

See you in a bit Jess, thank you, darling.

- Yeah, another drink please.

- See, you're so fuckin' loud.

- I'm sorry I can't even help it,

that really is, that is me yeah, down to a T.

- [Narrator] Next time on 'The Only Way is Essex'.

Should every time have a friendly neighbourhood Bobby?

- Gay best friend?

- Yes!

Will Ricky ever realise you've got to get them in

before they get them out?

- No I'm definitely not gonna get you one,

you go and get me one.

- A beer with some lime.

- [Narrator] And will someone please explain the rules

for tent of teddies?

- I need more teddies in here.

[farting] Oh!

[laughing]

Who knows, these people are real,

because anything can happen on 'The Only Way is Essex'.