Original subtitles

a nice fish supper

and the world's least flattering dressing gown.

The tans you see might be fake

but the people are all real

although some of what they do has been set up purely

for your entertainment.

Previously on The Only Way is Essex.

- My balls!

- It's almost like they're bullying you

into thinking that you're bigger than what you are.

- Please let me take you on a first date for Valentines.

- Does he always do this, bring you stuff?

- I do not want her with other boys

getting in her bikini.

- You've been held back, I think it's about time

you sort of let yourself go and had a bit of fun.

[mystical techno music]

[intense rock music]

- This house is an absolute state, it's gross.

Ah, look at that, what is that?

Sick!

What is that?

- Don't show me that, it's disgusting.

I feel really fragile.

- Maybe someone couldn't make it to the toilet

and decided to just use a wine glass.

- Uh, you know when you get that awful taste in your mouth,

I thought I was gonna be sick then.

- Aw, I had a really good time,

it was like Ocean Club Marbella, but in my house, wasn't it?

- Yeah, no, it was good.

- Ricky and Lydia were in the hot tub together

havin' like a little flirt but.

- [Billie] Really?

- I thought they was family friends,

I wasn't sure if they were actually, I don't know.

- You never know.

- But I think it's good to see Lydia enjoying herself

like after everythin'.

- Yeah, definitely.

- I wonder if Lydia fancies him.

I don't know.

He's like the complete opposite to Arg, isn't he?

- She deserves to have a bit of fun though.

I don't see her moving on really quickly,

but I think she does need to have fun.

- Oh yeah, definitely.

Sometimes you need a boy to get over a boy,

like you need a bit of a rebound.

- Rebound!

- Maybe like that's what she needs.

- Yeah, exactly.

[exciting hip hop music]

- [Cara] Aw, he looks wealthy.

Oh my God.

- [Billi] What's he got on his neck?

- [Cara] He's got a bracelet on, he's got his bling on.

- I'm really excited about the party that we've planned.

Sex in the City!

- [Cara] But Essex style.

- Everybody's single.

It's Valentine's day.

Loads of hot boys.

I've invited everyone so it should be a right good night.

- I reckon everyone'll turn up as well.

Except for Mario and Lucy, they're probably the only two

that are going to be going on a date.

I've invited Ricky.

- Oo Ricky!

You invited Ricky, you like Ricky, don't ya?

- Yeah, I think Ricky's quite nice yeah.

- Maybe Ricky maybe be your Valentine?

- Oh, love!

- [Billi] I reckon everyone's coming though.

- That gives everyone a chance to mingle.

- Single, I'm ready to mingle!

Mr. Bigs for the night.

- [Cara] Oh you look gorgeous, Ralph,

you are definitely the one that's best.

[exciting synth music]

- Oh God this is huge, Lydia.

- There's things that need to be adjusted,

for example, the whatever that's called: Astroturf.

- No, it's not Astroturf.

- Oh artex.

- Astroturf is on when you play football Lydia,

this is artex. - Oh, artex.

- It feels like there's somebody actually has died here.

- You're just trying to scare me,

cause you don't want me to live here.

I'm only two minutes down the road.

- I know, but it's not the same, not waking.

- Yeah, but I'm not gonna eat dinner here

cause I can't cook anyway,

so I'll eat dinner at home and then come to my house.

- I'm gonna miss you, Lydia.

- I know, but I just feel this is the next step of my life

and this is what just happens naturally.

I'm 21 now and I've gotta become a woman.

- I have to let go.

- The genetics are telling me that I've gotta move on.

- I have to let you go, don't I?

- You do.

- It's gonna be hard, Lydia.

- It's gonna be hard mom, but we'll still be together

in spirit every moment of the day.

And you're just around the corner.

- Can I have a key?

- Okay, I think you pushed your luck.

[both laugh]

- Well, Lydia was in the hot tub, weren't she,

with that Ricky.

- I heard that.

- I don't really know about him.

- I didn't really speak to him.

- He bought Sam a bottle of Crystal

and drunk it all to himself.

- Shut up. - No, he didn't!

- Yeah, how embarrassin'.

Aw I dunno, I think he's a bit flash.

- I have heard that about him.

- Really?

- So who do you think would be like the Mr. Bigs in Essex?

- Don't know.

- Mick?

- No.

- That's as close as you get.

All the rest are boys.

- Do you reckon Arg would ever be a Mr. Big?

- I think your joking, he's big but he's no Mr. Big.

- He ain't got the swagger.

- No he hasn't.

- He has not got the swagger.

No ones really got swag around here.

- No swagger and no game.

Joey's got a little bit of swagger.

No one can change him.

- Yeah, but he falls for girls too easily.

- That's true, he does do that, but he's only 21,

once he has his heart completely broken

he'll turn into an asshole like the rest of them.

- It's true.

[upbeat synth music]

- I have been such a twat it is unbelievable.

So tonight I want the place to look amazing.

My theme is white.

- White?

- Yeah.

I've hired out a whole restaurant.

- Bloody 'ell, that's well exclusive.

- I bought like 3,000 candles,

I've got 30 bags of rose petals,

I hired a pianist, it's gotta be a big gesture.

- You ain't gonna propose, are ya?

- No!

- You know it's a leap year?

- Yeah.

- Now women can propose to men.

- Nah, I don't think that'd feel right.

- Can you imagine Lucy gettin' down on one knee?

- Yeah, but as long as she wasn't proposing

I wouldn't really care.

[both laugh]

- I'm staying home Valentine's Day.

- Again?

- Yeah, gonna get a gourmet meal for two,

gonna smash that in by myself.

- Mate, you're so sad.

- I wanna go out with women, mate.

- You're shit with women.

- I want her to do the same thing my mom would do:

cook, clean, iron.

- So are you looking for a girlfriend or a mom?

- Half women, half girl: a gormen.

- If you stick with me, train with me,

this time next year on Valentine's Day

you will not be single.

- Hi.

- Hello, darlin'!

- How are you?

- I'm good, you?

You alright?

- You wanted to see me?

- Yeah!

- What's the matter?

- Right, I've got a big favour to ask you.

- Okay.

- I know that you're a big fan of Sex in the City.

- Massive fan.

- And you love sushi.

- Yeah.

- Okay, so you know in the film.

[laughs]

- I'm gettin' a little bit scared

at what you're gonna ask me here.

- Would you be up for us laying you out

and placing sushi all over your body?

- Billi!

Why me?

- So you can help us recreate a part of the show.

- But like if I'm gonna be doing that,

what's everyone else gonna be doing?

Are we all doing like recreating things?

- Listen, nobody else can pull that off, only you can,

that's why we've asked you!

- Aw, Bill I'm not really that confident with my body.

And like how are people gonna eat it?

I'm gonna have like moisturiser, fake tan,

probably like a bit of body shimmer.

That's all gonna get in the sushi.

- I know, the rice will probably end up being orange

and glittery.

Be even nicer though, it'll be like Essex sushi,

we'll bling it up.

- Yeah, you're gonna have to figure that out, Bill, though.

- I promise we'll cover all your bits up,

and we'll just make sure that people eat around your bits.

So like, you know, no one's gonna eat the bit

off your nun and boobs.

- I fought you was gonna say something

like can you come as Charlotte,

cause obviously like I dress like her a little bit.

You do realise I'm a 30 year old mother.

- Yeah, but you look hot!

You're the hottest 30 year old mum I've ever seen.

You look amazing!

Will you do it?

- Yeah, I'll do it, why not.

- Thank you!

I love you!

- Listen, I wanna make my own song.

Like I wanna make a song about the perfect girl,

cause like I wanna find--

- What's your perfect girl?

- Dunno, maybe like blonde, probably like nice blonde,

slim, really nice personality girl.

Do ya what I mean?

Got a bit of banter.

Like nice boobs, do ya know what I mean?

Not fake, not fake.

- Yeah, not fake?

- Just the perfect nice boobs.

- Not fake at all.

- I want my perfect girl to look exactly like a Barbie.

Cause everyone says I look like Ken.

So we'll be like Ken and Barbie.

Barbie and Ken.

- About boobs, her boobs are real.

- Mate, she'll love that.

- She'd love it, wouldn't she?

- If only you could find one.

- I'm like half single, half relationship at the moment.

We'll just see after tonight what I am.

All I've been told is that I'm gonna be picked up,

so I have absolutely no idea.

- It'll be nice though, at least he's trying.

- I want it to be a nice meal,

but I don't want anything too cheesy, like.

- So if it's a first date,

like what exactly are the rules of a first date?

- I didn't kiss Mario on our first, first date,

so maybe I should do the same?

Don't kiss him.

- Gonna do the same and keep him hanging?

- I can't, I'm not going back to his, no way.

- No.

It's gonna be so hard for you.

- That will be really hard,

especially if it's been a really good night.

- Yeah, he's gonna be like a little puppy dog,

like trying to get in behind you!

[both laugh]

- He ain't comin' in!

[both laugh]

- Arg!

Arg!

Arg answer the door, man.

Eating Jammie Dodgers.

- You alright, Joe?

- What's goin' on?

You alright?

- Yeah, I'm alright mate.

- I ain't seen you and why you dressed in that as well?

- What?

- What's that?

- Dressing gown.

- It's pink!

- You look like Del Boy!

[both laugh]

- Mate, you just don't,

you just ain't smiling and you ain't happy recently are you?

What's wrong?

- I know.

I don't wanna be like this, but I just can't help.

I've tried not to be, but.

- I'm so cold Arg, can I come in?

- Come in.

- Cheers.

So what's wrong then, why you so depressed?

You look like you're about to cry.

- Huh?

- You look like your gonna cry.

- No, I'm not gonna cry anymore.

- What do you mean by anymore, you been cryin'?

- I don't know, I mean I do get a bit upset now and then,

don't I?

You know this would have been our fourth

Valentine's together.

Well I just felt Valentine's Day the last thing I wanna do

is go out and I'd rather just lock myself indoors.

- What you talkin' about?

- I'd rather just lock myself indoors

and let Valentine's Day be over.

You know it might be better.

- Valentine's Day is a day mate, it's Christmas,

it's Christmas, Easter, other than that

it's just another day where they say it's a special day.

Just let life flow, man.

Let it flow.

Just go with the flow.

Don't, seriously, honestly,

you look like you just wanna ring her all the time,

you think about ringing her, you know you can't.

And then you think about texting her, you know you can't.

Just leave it man.

Just leave it for five minutes.

It's all you talk about, seriously.

- You know,

Cara and Billi are doing the Essex in the City party.

- You gonna come?

Cause I'm tellin' you, you are coming.

I ain't lettin' you stay in again.

- Well, basically, Lydia's always said

that she's Carrie Bradshaw

and she's always called me a Mr. Big.

Like Mr. Big's basically some guy who's quite tall,

dark and handsome, a little bit like me.

And he's got slick hair, always wears suits.

- Is he big?

- No, he's not really big, he's just called Mr. Big.

I don't think that's his real name.

- Oh right.

- And basically, there's this scene

in the film where there's like these special shoes,

they're really hard to get.

I had to get them made in a manufacturer's in Germany.

They're called Manolo Blaniks but.

[Joey laughs]

They're so expensive as well.

I had to pay for them to get delivered from Germany,

and be made to Lydia's size and everythin'.

- What the hell are these?

- But Joey it's, it ain't just a normal gift.

What you doin'?

Joey don't ruin 'em.

- It's silky bottom, innit.

- I know, but Joey it's not just a normal gift,

it's sentimental value.

- Personally, if I saw them

I'd think they're worth about two pound.

- Joey!

They've diamonds.

And they're specially made!

- They're not real diamonds though, are they?

- That's like over a grand's worth of shoes.

- Are they?

- You're clueless, mate.

- Yeah, but they don't look like a lot of money, do they?

- What you talkin' about?

Fucking classiest shoes I've ever seen in my life.

[Joey laughs]

Are you mad?

What do ya mean they look about two pound?

Are you sure?

You're a doughnut mate!

[Arg sighs]

- Listen mate, I personally think

you should just put the shoes back in the box

and just wrap them up.

- I don't know.

I don't think it will make it worse than now.

- Listen, trust me, I think you should give them to her, ya?

- I'll just say to her, "Look I'm not trying

"to buy your love, Lydia, I just wanna give you a gift,

"and it's my last gift I've got to give you."

- Yeah but no mate, you can't do it like that.

- Well how do I do it then?

- You always have to do a massive speech before you do it,

"It's got a gift and this is for you and nah nah nah."

Give her the present say hello to her

and that's it, I wanna keep it civil.

If she's mature, she'll go, "That's fine, James."

And then she'll give you a kiss and say that's it.

Have a bit of space for a week.

You can take on a week can't ya?

You can come out with me and have a laugh.

Week later, sweet.

[exhilarating synth music]

- Ah, Joe!

Whose stupid idea is this?

- Yours.

- Well that's bass, woman.

- If Gemma was here you wouldn't be minding me.

- She'd show us right out, wouldn't she?

She'd get it on in about five seconds flat.

- No she would not.

I love the new trainin'.

Is this,

unattractive?

- Do you know what these suits are for,

like there's a vacuum yeah?

So there's like wires going in and they vacuum

to make you skinny.

- What?

- [Lauren] Can you feel it?

- Will they pump stuff into you?

- I don't know.

I'm quite looking forward to it.

- Yeah I bet your are,

in your nice little fancy gym wear, love.

- Wait, why are you not wearing it?

- Cause I'm doing it different,

I'm going in the back,

you two have gotta do this walking thing.

- Do you actually wanna lose weight?

I just wanted to tone a bit

and look at me I'm like, this is too much.

- I've gotta be in a pod.

So I wanna do say like on the back of my legs.

- Cause it's good for sittin' like.

- Yeah, apparently.

Sheryl Crow uses it.

- She's got one in her house.

- I bet she's got that Gucci one though,

it don't look like this there's no way

she'd be caught wearing this.

I just wanna tone in general,

I don't wanna lose any weight,

I just wanna like tone my arms and my stomach.

- Does it do that as well, toning?

- Well I bloody hope so, this is ridiculous.

Could've gone down to the gym for an hour.

[funky synth music]

- What's happenin', Joe?

- What's happenin', mate? - Ya alright?

- How you been, you been alright?

- Yeah, not too bad, man, ain't seen you for ages.

- I ain't seen you in ages, son, how you been?

You alright though, yeah?

- What happened to you at Sam's party?

You didn't wanna go?

- Nah, I went up with the boys,

went to like the seaside and that.

Ice everywhere, was freezin'.

- We um, we had a hot tub in there.

I walked in and like obviously I'm in my beach shorts

and everyone's just struttin' around

in little one piece bikinis.

- Yeah?

- Yeah, and then I ended up in the hot tub with Lydia.

- With Lydia?

Shut up.

- Yeah, they had a hot tub there and everythin' mate,

it was bang on.

- Arg is havin' a bit of trouble with Lydia.

What's going on?

- Yeah.

Nah, nothin', just like me and her

just chattin' about the old times,

like the good times, you know?

- What, did anything happen or anything?

- Um nah, nah, nah, it's not like that, nothin' like that.

Listen, you know me and Lydia have been friends for ages.

- Yeah, I know, I know, it's not that,

cause obviously Arg is my mate

and I just feel like sorry for him,

do ya know I mean like?

- Yeah, nah, nah, I was just catching up with her

in the hot tub ya know.

- That's all innit, like go for relationships,

I'm innit for relationships.

It's the boy who always gets turned over.

- It's been four years is what I mean.

- And that's what I'm saying.

- Literally it was just a good party,

everyone was having fun,

I think the only people that were really flirting

was just me and Cara and that was it.

- I know.

You think she's a nice girl.

The next thing you gotta do is just put it on her.

- Who Cara?

[laughs]

What just gonna go right up to her and hiya Cara.

- Put it on her, mate.

[both laugh]

[funky techno music]

- Oh!

Ah!

How weird is it?

- Oh my God, what is goin' on?

What is goin' on?

- What is that all about?

- It's sucking on my belly.

- Is it?

- What is all this, like electric in it?

- No it's not!

It's just like pushing you in.

It's like a tightening feeling.

You have to basically do this for three weeks,

four times a week, 12 sessions.

So who would have thought we'd be doing this

on Valentine's day?

- Yeah, great.

- Trying to make myself look good.

- Have you had a lot of good ones on Valentine's Day?

- Never in my whole life.

This has probably been my best Valentine's Day.

- What?

- Spend it with the girls.

Seriously, I've never had roses.

- You must have!

- I swear on my mom's grave,

I've never ever, ever been bought a rose.

Let alone a bunch of roses.

- Not even from your dad when yous was little?

Oh my God.

- No, never.

- I think this is gonna be my first single Valentine's

on my own.

No flowers, chocolates, no teddy bears.

There was some new boys at Sam's party the other night,

weren't there?

- Yeah.

- And I think the only decent one was that Ricky.

- Do you fancy him?

- Me?

I don't know him.

- She's goin' red!

- Would you like to get to know him?

- No!

- Why you smilin'?

- Cause you're making me laugh.

[Frankie laughs]

I can't breathe, it's gettin' really tight.

- Yeah, Jess gettin' into it.

[exciting synth music]

- We need to accessorise these boys.

Oh!

These have broke as well, they've got too big muscles.

You're done!

- Off yous go!

- Oh my God, Chloe!

- Hello, Chloe!

- You look wicked.

- I gotta try and get on 'ere now.

- That's alright, we'll hold it.

You look good you do!

You ready for this?

- Do I?

I feel a little bit nervous girls.

- Do ya?

- We're gonna wear gloves cause we're professional.

- 100% professional.

- I feel a bit scared with the gloves.

Uh!

- Make sure you don't get wasabi anywhere though

cause it might hurt.

- Ah aw, it's freezing!

It's freezin'!

- Um.

[Chloe laughs]

- Bill, you just can't wait to get there and put that.

Like, listen, watch my fake tan,

you're just putting wet lettuce on my legs,

my whole tan's coming off.

Don't give me a willy!

- It looks like she's got nuts and a winky!

- Wait, wait.

I do love you for doing this for us.

- Yeah.

- Where am I gonna put him?

- You're not putting that on me!

- I dropped him!

- You didn't mention anything about animals!

You know I don't like animals!

- Oh my god, his leg fell off.

- Good, get him away from me!

- The good thing is she can't move

and we can do whatever we want!

- Listen!

My noon stinks of fish, I feel like I'm passing out,

I'm in like a weird fish dream!

Freaking out a little bit!

Ah!

Not the crab!

I can't have that big crab on me!

- Right, are you alright here while we quickly run off

and get ready?

- I can't really go anywhere, can I?

Hurry up!

You're leaving me with raw fish on me.

I'll get salmonella!

- Hello.

- Hello darling.

- How are you?

Good, you? - Yeah, good thank you.

- Oh my God, Sam!

- You didn't recognise me did you?

- No, don't hate me.

- Did you think I was Cara, yeah?

Everyone has said that!

- You're looking lovely.

- What's happenin', Rick?

- What's happenin'?

- You alright, man?

- Here's your beer, son.

- Good party, innit?

- There are fit girls in here.

- What's that?

I've seen 'em.

Don't worry mate, I've been scouting all night.

Don't you worry about that!

[romantic piano music]

- Do you like it?

- It's amazing!

It's lovely.

- Now come here you.

- Oh my God, it's so nice.

- I'm so nervous.

[Lucy laughs]

I'm proper nervous.

- It's like our first date.

You were more nervous than me,

I'm excited like I was the first time.

- You look amazing.

- Thank you.

- You look nice.

- You've outdone yourself Mr. Falcone.

- To a fresh start?

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

[exciting synth music]

- Thank you to everyone for coming

to mine and Billi's Essex in the City.

- Valentine's Day party.

Sushi is served!

[everyone cheers]

- [Man] What the...

- [Woman] Tuck in!

- Don't poke me, I am alive!

You just poked me there.

This is really intimidating.

They're trying to get the lettuce as well, the cheeky sods.

Diags!

- It's cause his lips diagonal,

and he can't put it in there.

- Do ya know what, though, it does smell.

- No, it's the crab!

Come on girls, I've had enough now.

I'm worried about getting wasabi in me noon or something.

- It doesn't really feel like Valentine's Day to me,

it just feels like a normal girls' night out.

I'm really scared to be like,

I'm quite shy and going back in my shell again,

not quite like reserve something, I wanna meet someone.

- Is there anyone here you like?

- Uh, I think that Ricky Raymont's quite hot.

- He's over there.

- Is he?

I'm not lookin', that's like cringe.

- Maybe just get the eye contact going.

Do the three second stare.

- What's that?

- Look at a guy for three seconds,

cause it's not long enough to look like a psycho,

but it's long enough to let them know you're interested.

It's a proven scientific fact, I swear.

Go on!

- Alright!

- Just do one of these, do a quick casual and turn around.

- No, I can't.

- You look at people in a club all the time.

- Yeah, but not when I'm put on the spot.

- Go on be flirty, Lauren.

- One, two, three and back.

You done it!

- I didn't.

- He caught your eye, you had a bit of eye contact going on.

- You're such a dick.

Spinach in my teeth.

Have I got spinach in my teeth?

- Oh yeah, you have got a massive bit.

- I have, where?

Get it out?

- Actually, you've got most of the bowl stuck on your teeth.

- Now you've gotta eat it, no, you've gotta eat it!

Spoilsport.

- I did have one thing more thing

that I sort of do wanna ask you though.

- Yes?

- Um, I wanna ask you,

if you will be my girlfriend?

Is that a yes then?

- Yeah, we'll try.

Yeah, but on one condition, this is a complete fresh start,

no reminders, nothing brought up, all fresh clean slate.

Yeah?

- That's fine.

- And you've gotta treat me like a princess

like you did at the beginning, exactly the same.

- I think you've got lots of smiles

coming your way hopefully.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Do You fancy me?

- Dunno, that's a tough question to ask.

- It's not really, is it, you either do or you don't.

- Nah, I do quite fancy you, I'm not gonna lie.

I don't, I don't wanna make it a massive situation.

If I say look Cara, I wanna take your best mate on a date,

it's sort of, do ya know what I mean?

You can just casually do it.

- Do ya think Cara would get the 'ump?

- I dunno, have you spoke to her about it?

- No, I'll leave it to you.

- Leave it to me?

I don't think I can do it.

I don't know whether it's bad me talking to you or not.

Cause I love my sister, I love you both to bits.

But like, I wanna take you out.

- I'd like to go out with you.

- Yeah?

I don't really get to see you enough,

like just us two together.

So will proper get to know you as apposed.

- Cara's like the third wheel in our relationship already.

- I don't know we'd be going out or something

and she'd be poppin' up.

But would you be alright with that?

Without Cara by your wing?

- As long as you look after me.

- I'll look after you, I promise.

I am allowed a kiss?

- If we get married.

Me and Cara will actually be sisters.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on.

- She'll be my sister-in-law.

- Is that how it works?

- Cara's gonna beat the shit out of me.

- So Rick, do you reckon you're a bit of a player?

- Who me?

No, I've never cheated in my life.

- Shut up!

- Never ever.

- One boy in Essex!

- I promise, I couldn't do it,

I've got too much of a conscience.

- Really?

- Look, he's got all the girls around him, hasn't he.

- He is fit!

Come on.

- He's like really flirtatious, like really loud,

like I expected him to be quite quiet,

cause he doesn't really know all of us.

He's like proper like, yeah, like forward and full on.

- What do you do then to romance a girl?

- Um, I just be myself and it then if it works

and they like it then we're obviously gonna click.

What would you do to woo me?

- I don't need to.

- Boys woo us!

- I've been woo'd by a few girls.

- Why, what do they do?

- Well they do that little,

you know?

They do that when they're walking past.

- Is that what Cara does?

- She won't stop!

- I'll be sick on the floor.

- I think Cara's proper into him.

- Do ya know what it is, right?

It's like the new boy on the scene

and everyone's like pouncing on him.

- Desperate!

- Pouncing!

Good luck to him.

- I'm newly on the market, anyone fancy a purchase?

[laughs]

- You're newly on the market?

You can't be doin' all that!

- I broke up with my girlfriend last week, mm.

- Did you?

[peaceful piano music]

- Like normally, me and you,

I would say come back to mine tonight,

but I think as it's our first date, I don't think we should.

- I don't either.

- I think that um, we should do like the three date rule.

- Yeah.

- Yeah!

- I agree, that's what I want.

- Yeah?

Another thing as well,

even though on our first date we didn't have a kiss,

I think we should have kiss.

Do ya not think?

Yeah?

Gimme a kiss then.

[both laugh]

- I've missed you.

- I missed you.

I do really love you.

- I know.

- You know.

- I know.

- Good.

- I love you too.

- Happy Valentine's day.

- Sam's hair looks nice tonight don't it, it's changed.

- It's alright, she looks just like Carol though, don't she.

- I know, I was thinkin' that.

It's nice though, she looks like she's out of a film

or something.

It's all weird innit.

You alright?

- Nah, I'm not mate.

- What's up?

- Dunno, it's just hard innit, you know.

- I know mate, but like.

- She's proper like going out of her way

to like flirt in front of me and stuff so.

- You're upset, aren't ya.

I know how you feel.

To be fair, she was talking to that Ricky,

but mate, listen, I spoke to him the other day

and he said like to me, he went to me,

like I went to him is there anythin' goin' on between you

and Lydia at all, just in like an askin' way, not flirting,

and he was like oh nah, nah, nah, nothin'.

I like Cara, I like Cara.

- Joe, it's not just that, is it?

- Whatcha mean, it's not just that?

[Sighs]

- I dunno if I should tell you or not.

- What?

You know you can trust me with anything, Arg.

- Yeah, I know, but I dunno, me and Lydia we just swore

to each other that we wouldn't say anything to anyone.

- You're winding yourself up, mate.

- Well basically, um, two days ago, um,

Lydia found out that I was in a really bad place ya know,

when you was concerned, when I was just staying indoors,

like hiding myself in my bed,

and to be fair to her ya know she was genuinely concerned.

She said come on, let's meet up or whatever and have a chat,

I'm worried about ya.

So I thought I'd go round and see her.

We both had a little cry and a cuddle

and ya know she's just saying

that she's still madly in love with me

and there's an attraction there,

but she doesn't wanna be with me anymore.

And then she was confusing me saying stuff like

but I still wanna marry you, and I do wanna have your kids

and I just wish you and me could go away,

just us two on a desert island.

And then basically, you know,

I slept with her the other night.

- What?

- Yeah.

- You're jokin'!

- Yeah, I slept with her.

- Oh, my God.

- But you know, now she's, you know,

she's not even said hello to me.

- This is why you're so down, Arg, mate.

- It's just so hard, but at the same time, you know,

she's come here tonight

and she's been flirting in front of me, you know,

I've heard about the stuff that happened at Sam's party

and the hot tub and the flirting.

And I just find it so disrespectful, you know.

- This must be reverse psychology.

See, I'm not bein' funny, if you're cheating,

why would she sleep with ya?

- I don't know mate, in my head I feel that--

- Arg, do ya know what she's doin'?

- No, but in my head I feel that now, yes,

I've definitely got a chance.

I will potentially eventually get her back.

And then I'm here tonight, you know,

she's dancing with boys, like laughing at me and, you know,

she's chattin' away to Ricky at the bar now.

And people keep saying these bad things about me,

but I've come here tonight I've stayed with the boys,

I haven't even talked to a girl or dancing with a girl,

chatting everyone up

and I feel like I wanna show her respect,

but why can't she do that to me.

- You've got a reason to be down, and it's horrible,

you've just gotta get through it, mate.

- I just wanna go home, Joey,

to be honest but I appreciate everything you've done for me,

yeah.

I'm just gonna go home alright.

- [Narrator] Next time on the Only Way is

will Arg ever find his Cinderella?

- Personally I think their worth about two pounds.

- Two, they have diamonds!

It's like a grands worth of shoes.

- [Narrator] How will Cara react

to the world's fastest romance?

- If we get married someday,

me and Cara will actually be sisters.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa, hang on.

- [Narrator] And will Guy Fawkes get his tiny clothes back?

- Mr. Bigs for the night.

- [Narrator] Who knows, these people are real

and anything can happen on The Only Way is Essex.

[cheerful synth music]