Original subtitles

perplexing predictions, and some knockout knitwear.

The tans you see might be fake,

but the people are all real

although some of what they do has

been set up purely for your entertainment.

Previously on The Only Way is Essex.

- I just-- - No don't. It's not a ring

- No - No.

- Only a number

- It's only a number.

- You should come out with us one time,

me and my friends, won't you come out, yeah?

- Yeah it'd be a laugh.

- I kissed Sara in her house tonight

and her knickers'll be around her ankles,

let's put it that way.

[slap]

[jazz pop music]

[hip hop music]

- Alright chick?

- No.

- Got your hangover cure, a bacon sandwich.

- Aw, I couldn't even stomach that now,

that's really sayin' something

'cause I love bacon sandwiches.

- What's happenin' with you hair?

- I know it's bad, isn't it?

- Did the twins stay around?

- No they did not.

- What did you get, anyways?

- I got some lovely, lovely presents,

I was really lucky from the twins I've got:

[sings] dun dun dun!

- Oh my god, what is that?

- It is a true reflection of myself.

- Look at the earrings though.

- That's the best bit, that's the bit that cracks me up

'cause they've obviously gone, "She wears big earrings."

- Bless.

- And they're Swarovskis because the know we'd have a bit

of jazzy. - Bit of bling.

- Who would've got the award for drama last night?

- Definitely Mario and Lucy.

- 100%.

- In my whole 31 years of livin', no one's ever text me

and said get naked.

[laughing] I don't know if that's good or bad?

But I just would - I would never give anyone a picture

of myself. - Me neither.

- No-one would have no evidence on me.

- Can you imagine if he's sent any naked ones to girls?

- Urg, that ain't my kind of thing.

- Me neither, it's just wrong.

- I'm into love and romance, not all this dirty sex stuff.

[dubstep music]

- Aw mate, I love eggs.

- I know you do.

I'm not even hungry.

- Good, I'll just eat your eggs.

- So what about the party, you enjoy it?

- Yeah, it was all right, what about you?

- Yeah, it was all right.

[laughing]

Obviously, you know, it was weird seeing Lydia there

and then not even being able to say hello

and how are you.

D'know what I mean?

I think what it is is she can't speak to me

when we're out, because she knows if she does

that we'll end up getting together

and that's not what she wants.

- So what do you want then?

- Well, I dunno.

- [sings] You wanna get back with her,

nah nah nah nah nah.

Ooo oo.

- You two are such wind ups.

I'm can't even - I'm trying to have a proper chat

and emotional and you two are just doughnuts.

To be fair, at least one thing good come

out the relationship.

I lost my virginity to Lydia.

- What?

You've only slept with one girl in your life?

- I'd probably still be a virgin now

if I didn't meet Lydia.

- You've honestly only slept with one girl?

Ahh!

- Yeah.

- Shut up, you weirdo, we've went out for four years,

you doughnut.

So piss off, mate.

- So you don't even know what it's like

to sleep with another girl?

- Are you serious?

- Oh my god.

[laughing]

- Simply though, cheers boys.

- So come on guys, when did you lose your virginity?

- I ain't lost it yet.

[laughing]

- No seriously, go.

- About 16, 17, 16?

A longer than you.

- Yous about my name.

- Fuck off, mate.

[laughing]

- So what is going on with this Georgina girl?

- Well, I was just having just a brief conversation

with her really, and I was talking to her like

and I was like what's happening, what's happening

and she was like what's happening?

- What happened, what happened!?

- Basically, I said, "Do ya wanna come out

and she said yeah, with us lot!"

- Well that's all you have to say, shit!

- So this is what I've planned right.

I've planned for me, you, Lauren and Georgina

to go out on a date.

- Oh that's nice!

So let me get this right, so you're going

to crack on with Georgina and you're going to crack on

with Lauren.

Yeah?

- Well, I'll give it a go.

- Honest opinion, do ya think you could actually get

with her?

- I'll try anything, mate.

- Do you reckon she'll go for it?

- Yeah, Diags is a dark horse, girls love Diags.

- You are a bit of a horse.

- [horse whinney]

- So we're all gonna go out, we're all gonna do this.

I'm coming along, yeah?

- [Both] Uh, yeah.

- Yeah?

- [Both] No, yeah, yeah.

- Course!

[pop piano music]

- People do tend to look down their nose a little bit,

don't they, at surgery?

- Yeah, I don't know if people do that any more.

- I think they do.

'Cause like the reaction I've had about the P-I-P thing,

like everyone's like well, you brought it on yourself!

- Have they really been saying that to you?

- Yeah, a lot of people have said that.

I'm glad you've come today anyway 'cause I'm so scared.

- Aw, pops don't be scared.

You could totally be worse right now, you could be

like waiting to give birth to like something

that big out your [beep].

Do you know what I mean?

- [laughing] was it awful?

- Totally worse.

I'd have a boob job any day over a baby.

- Would ya?

- Yeah.

- Was it hideous?

- It felt like, you know like a period pain,

but quite a strong one.

And I thought, "This isn't really that bad,

I dunno what everyone's on about."

So I done my make-up and everything before I went

to hospital - I was meant to go straight there.

- So you had full face when you was giving birth?

- Well, you don't wanna look ugly, it's bad enough isn't it,

what you're doing.

I was covered in fake tan, but don't do

that 'cause I stunk for like 9 hours of fake tan.

- Were you scared like when you when into labour?

- I shit myself.

- Did you literally shit yourself though?

'Cause when you have a baby doesn't all the stuff come out?

[laughing]

- Well, they didn't say, Chloe you've shit yourself

while my legs were up in the air!

But yeah, I guess I did.

And then like, honestly is this taking your mind

off the boobs, this story?

- Yes this is, it really is!

[pop music]

- This is my new home!

- Oh my god, Lauren, it's amazing!

Love it.

- Oh my god, it's prime location, Lauren.

- I know, I love it, do ya know why?

'Cause it's so bright and white and spacious.

- Absolutely fantastic.

- It's beautiful!

- Right, feels like a bit of a building site

at the minute so we've gotta put these builder cover ups,

'cause we don't wanna ruin our shoes do we.

- No, good idea Lauren.

I think she's a bit OCD, Lydia.

- I haven't had that shit.

- I've got to be perfect.

- I love how cool they look, they actually suit you.

[laughing]

Oh my god, we actually out of this,

the whole of Essex we wearing and whatnot.

[laughing]

- So this is going to be Lauren's LA Blow Bar.

- I think it's fantastic.

- What?

- Not a blowjob bar!

[laughing]

Debbie's dirty mind.

Dirty mind.

- So where are you actually doing these blowjobs?

- Right.

[screaming and laughing]

- Debbie's hired!

[laughing]

You got the job.

- No, I'd be fine after a day.

[laughing]

- Where are we doing the blows?

- All right, focus.

- Are the blows over here, or over there,

where are the blows?

- Right, what I'm gonna have, I think, obviously,

I like this, I like the whole wooden thing situation,

I'm gonna sort this out.

But I've also got my products.

I've gotta put pictures up of me, everywhere.

- Obviously, it's all about Lauren.

- And old, but naked ones but with that fashion-y.

[laughing]

But anyway, so yeah, I'm really looking forward

to my clairvoyant night tonight.

- To what?

- Clairvoyant.

- What's clairvoyant?

- It's like a fortune teller.

- What?

I thought clairvoyant was her name.

- No, clairvoyant is a job title, that's what she is!

- Shut up!

I've never heard that in my life.

- Yes, you have, a medium, a psychic, the clairvoyant.

- Right, Lauren I'll see you later.

- See you later, girls,

- See you later!

- Oh my goodness.

[laughing]

- Lot of cobwebs up in it.

Breezes' fresh.

Come on then.

- For over some advice.

I see people can't really talk to me like Joe and--

and I didn't have the life experience, I was always, see--

Ethan had done it.

- Been around the block a little bit I suppose.

- Exactly.

- Go on.

- I think with everything, like when I first got with Lucy,

I used to think she was the most amazing girl in the world.

And I think everything that happened with the Mark thing,

sort of distracted my attention from that.

I sort of forgot the reasons why I fell in love with her.

- I think I've been in a similar situation

and you don't know until it happens to you

what you're gonna be like.

But it's a tough thing to decide whether you can

or you can't get over it.

I actually couldn't get over it.

- Yeah.

- But you know I'm not saying that's the same for everyone.

And I know where I'd rather be in life, to be honest

with ya, and it's with one woman in a relationship.

I think that's what life's about - sharing and being

with someone.

- I agree.

- One thing I know from speaking to you

and speaking to her separately, Lucy, is

that you both really care a lot about each other

and I think that's the most important thing.

- Yeah, exactly, yeah I know.

- You've still gotta be true to her I think.

Be honest.

- This whole experience has helped me realise what I want.

- Yeah, good, that's important.

- I was told I've got the P-I-P implants,

so I think I'm almost certain I want to have them removed,

obviously for safety reasons.

But also the benefit of having them removed is

that I can change what I currently don't like

about my first boob job.

- So I wanna talk to you first about these P-I-P implants,

yeah and just to reassure you about a few things.

At the moment and so far they haven't found enough evidence

to suggest and to advise any early replacement,

so be reassured about that.

The only thing that I can tell you

and advise you strongly is to have a scan

and to see whether the implant is intact or ruptured.

- What, so they might be ruptured and I wouldn't even know?

Right now?

- Yep, yeah, we need to check everything is fine.

So now is the time for you to show me your breasts.

So if you can come here, please stand up and take your shirt

and bra off and I'll have a quick look

and I'll tell you what I think.

- Okay.

- Okay, so you've got a bottoming out of the breast,

so that means that the implant has dropped too much.

- Are you all right, Lauren?

- Yeah.

- So one of the first thing I have to do is

to correct the shape, and together with that I can put

in bigger implants.

Hopefully, and possibly I will try to go behind the muscle--

- Okay.

- So that you will have even more natural result.

- That's what you've got, right?

- Yeah, that's what I've got yeah.

It's good because then they stay and you can go smaller

in the future, can't you?

- Yeah.

- So this is what I've got in now,

so we need to go a bit bigger than that.

But then you've got like, what would you say Jess has got?

- Jess Wright? I reckon she might gave something like

that or maybe that.

- I reckon that's more Billi Mucklow.

- Are you jokin'?

Hers are well that.

- Do ya think?

- Yeah, they're massive.

- I'll tell you who this could be:

[All laugh]

Gemma!

[laughing harder]

She's got the biggest boobs ever.

- I don't know, I don't know what to believe.

Well yeah, I'd heard it before, like people talk about it.

Well I just don't think I ever wanted to believe it,

I just blocked it out.

- Oh my god, mom, I'm so angry.

- What's wrong?

- I'm so, so angry.

- Why, what's wrong?

- I'm shaking.

- What is wrong?

- Basically James was just always messing around

when I was with him.

Four years somebody was so deceitful.

I literally feel sick.

Right, I will never trust anyone ever again.

- Lydia, listen to Mummy, and listen very carefully.

You will trust somebody again.

- No, I won't!

- You will.

- I never wanna meet another guy again.

I will never ever trust anyone again.

I'm gonna be alone until I'm older and

that's how I wanna be.

I feel like I wanna kill him.

I actually physically wanna kill him and he'll never be

in my life again.

- These feelings will pass.

- No, if I see him, I can't talk to him,

I can't be near him.

- No that's fine, that's fine.

- I think I would actually physically kill him.

- And that's fine, stay away from him.

You will meet someone else and you will fall in love.

You will darling.

- No, I won't, it'll never ever happen again.

- Okay, just live with mommy forever then.

Yeah.

- Are you looking forward to going to watch football?

Little bit of eye candy. Take your mind off Mario.

- Ew, so who's playing, so it's Carver's brother,

isn't it?

Tom.

Is he a good player?

- Yeah, he's really good, he used to be

a professional footballer and--

- Really?

So he's really good?

- I don't know.

I like Tom, he's really nice.

- Do you go there?

[laughing]

- Why are you lookin' at me like that?

- I'm glad there's no hard feelings

like between you and Cara.

- Bill, there's nothing there.

Won't be any tension.

I love her to bits, there's nothing there, don't worry.

- So are you and Mario together, what's going on?

- I said to him no, I need space, so it's

like a break I suppose.

I do think he's learnt his lesson and like...

- He needed a kick up the arse.

- He did, and he got it.

- He was getting too big for his boots,

and he's got it now.

[pop music]

- I love makeup, I have to put it on.

Like sometimes I give myself a break,

but in the morning, I just look grey,

tired like that.

When I put it on, I feel better, and then I'm ready

to face the day, do you know what I mean?

So like, with your skin care, what do you actually do?

- Me?

- Yeah.

- I just--

I don't really have a skincare?

Maybe get a flannel, scrub that on my face

for a little bit with some soap.

- But do you just pick up any flannel

that you find, or do you make sure it's a clean one?

- Well it's on the bath.

- And you use that same thing with your feet, ass,

everything--

- No, no, no, no!

No I don't!

- Right, so now we know what your skin regime is,

what were your main problems?

- Acne.

[laughing]

- See there, did you pick a spot there?

- Yeah.

- Right, so that spot is raw and all the eggs

out of that spot now are laying--

- Ohh! - Spots of eggs!?

[laughing]

- And if Joey touches it and touch his face,

then he'll get a spot and I'll get spots.

- Is that what causes it, a spot then?

- Yeah, if he's picked it. - All right!

[laughing]

- But when you look at Joey's skin, would you prefer

to have that skin or not?

- I guess, but I'm not weird.

- Well, let's work together and--

- All right, let's do this.

- Did you get all of the things I told you to get?

- Yes, I got everything, look.

- This is gonna help.

Well done, Diags!

Now this is all perfect.

First of all, this--

- That's for your bottom, isn't it?

- Yeah, but this is--

I swear by this, okay?

This, no, this is for a child's bottom.

- Why would I care what's past my bum?

- Point is, this is a little secret,

lot of people don't know about this cream,

'cause they just read it and think, "Yeah,

it goes on your ass."

But it don't.

In the small print: sunburn, minor burns, acne,

and chilblains.

- Put it on your chin for now 'cause you got

quite a build up on your chin, some there,

but we do one side of your face,

so do that cheek and your chin.

- Aw, it stinks.

[coughs]

- Yeah, it's a skin miracle cure, just rub it in,

you gotta take this seriously Diags.

- I'm taking it very seriously, I'm putting ass cream

on my face, it's getting a bit serious.

- Just that side.

- Why, that sounds ridiculous.

[intense music]

- Come on!

Come on little ones!

[cheering]

- Cara!

- I'm glad you came, Luce.

- Aw, you all right?

- Thanks, Luce, for coming, it's nice to see you.

- It's alright.

Come on, Tom!

I haven't really seen your brother out before.

Does he go out round here?

- Yeah, he does, he goes out in London a lot,

but he's been in LA for a good few months.

- He went to LA and he came back to this?

- I know.

- He's quite different to all the other boys

round Essex.

[all cheer]

- Well done!

- Well done boys!

- Look at Bill's face!

- What's goin' on?

- Nothing!

- God, you look so real.

- It's starting to look better.

- It's made a big difference and whoa!

Whoa.

- This is all helping you.

All right, so now you put that stuff on.

Right, if you guys are on a night out,

this is what I'd suggest.

A bit of this.

- What's that?

Tan.

All right, ready, close your eyes Diags!

- Close my eyes?

- Close your eyes, yeah.

[aerosol spray]

- Oh my god, you haven't even got a chin there.

Looks like you literally didn't even have a chin.

- Look at that side of his face, it's looking cream now.

It is your colour now.

- Oh my god, you look so good!

[laughing]

- Maybe if you spent more time on this,

you would have perfect skin.

- So true.

- Welcome to the new ream you!

- Oh it does look good, doesn't it?

- Feel better, Diags?

- This bit obviously still very horrendous.

- Yeah obviously.

- But this bit up here is looking--

- If I would've done all this area as well,

you'd have looked fantastic-al.

- All right cool, cheers.

- Happy?

- Yeah.

- So what is yous up to tonight?

- We're taking that Georgina Turner out

and Lauren, both them two.

[laughing]

- You guys on a double date with Georgina and Lauren?

- Yeah, but Args coming now.

[laughing]

So it's a five way date.

- Yeah, but if he comes, man, I don't want him

to be a downer about his life, he'll just be a downer, like,

[whines]

- You're in a position where you could get taken advantage

of here.

- What you mean?

- She's older, she's clued up, you ain't.

[drumroll]

[playful piano music]

- You still gettin' ready?

- Yes, I'm still getting ready.

- Please hurry up.

- You can't rush these things, Georgina.

What are we actually doing then?

- The other day Joey said we'll get a few of us to go out.

- So what if it's just me, you, Joey, Diags.

Are they gonna think we're on a double date?

[Both laugh]

It'll be something random knowing Joey,

'cause he is very random.

Somewhere like McDonalds probably.

- Oh no.

- Drive thru McDonalds.

[Both laugh]

Sat in the car park eating our Cheeseburger Happy Meal.

- Do you reckon Diags likes you?

- No.

- I do.

- I'm too old for Diags.

- Yeah, but I'm too old for Joey.

- So if you think about it, pretty much everyone's single,

right.

- I know.

- Mad.

- And especially if it's only bloody the four of us tonight.

[laughing]

Everyone's still gonna be single tomorrow.

[laughing]

- Now I thought it'd be quite different

to get a clairvoyant 'round.

- It's gonna be a brilliant night.

I'm telling ya I'm getting the vibes already.

- Who's for this and who's not?

- I'm for it!

- For it.

- For it.

- Believers.

- For it.

- I'm like 50/50.

- I had like a real bad addiction with it once,

I spent over £1000 on 'em.

[All gasp]

I think we just basically wanna know who we're gonna marry.

That's what we wanna know.

- It's more about love, isn't it

[Doorbell]

Oh here's Lydia.

- Is it Lyd?

- Yeah.

- I don't wanna have one and then live my life by it

'cause I feel like people must do that.

- You won't.

- Take it with a pinch a salt.

- Sorry girls, I'm late. I've had such a stressful day.

- [All] Hi.

- Come and sit down here.

[laughing]

- I've had such a stressful day.

So many rumours, so much shit coming through

about Arg again.

- What rumours have you heard then?

- I've heard the full works Gem.

1st, 2nd, 3rd base, he's done with, he's

just done it plenty of times.

- You can't listen to rumours.

But you know, I think you was unhappy anyway,

so just block it out your head.

We're here, clairvoyant will help you.

- Well, I can't wait to see her now.

[party music]

- Oh my god, I'm so cold!

- Mate, this is snow joke man, this is snow joke.

I know this is meant to be a double date,

but what about Arg?

- Oh yeah, shit.

No don't tell the girls.

- Don't tell 'em?

- No, they might be freaked out a little bit.

Here they are!

- [Both] Wahey! What's happening?

- Don't rush!

- Where's your zimmy frame?

You're like old grannies.

- You could've come and got us!

- Bloody hell.

- Piggy back!

- Salty potato!

[all laugh]

- Cougars!

- You all right?

- Yeah, you?

- Hello!

- What's happening?

- Joey, you wearing perfume?

- No.

- You well smell like perfume.

- Do I?

- Yeah.

- All right babe, how are you?

- Yeah, all right, not bad.

- So what we doin'?

Where we goin'?

- Good, not sayin'.

- Who's coming?

- Just us.

- Just us four?

- [Both] Yeah.

[all laugh]

- Let's get in the car, out the cold, get going.

- It's not outdoors?

- No, it's not outdoors.

- [beep] that.

- Thought I'd take you somewhere inside.

D'ya know what I mean?

[All laugh]

- Hi ladies.

- [All] Hello.

- I see you've all given me some objects

to have a little go with.

I have to explain, the way I work, I'm clair-sentient

which means I see things, I hear things,

sometimes I smell them, I taste them.

I'm very drawn to this teddy bear,

and I don't know the teddy bear's name

but I'm wanting to say the name Cuthbert

for some reason, so--

and the name Sally comes in around this teddy bear

as well, so who does the teddy bear belong to?

It's your teddy bear, okay.

Well, oh, I don't--

- Are you hoping to get engaged or are you engaged?

- No, I'm not engaged.

- I just see sapphires and diamonds.

[All ooh]

Is that a good thing?

September I reckon.

[pop music]

- Yeah man!

The Romford Arcadia!

Yeah!

- Where are we?

- The Romford Arcadia!

Look how good it is!

- What d'you do at Romford Arcadia?

- Uh I dunno, like there's loads of things to do.

- It does look kinda nice.

- You excited?

- Yeah, I'm really excited.

- You look so excited.

- Let's get in.

- [Clairvoyant] Fabulous okay.

- Okay, is that enough?

- Lovely, so I got a little imprint here of your lipstick.

- Are you with someone now?

- No, well confused.

- 'Cause the name Collin is being mentioned to me,

so whether that's his name or you meet him

through a Collin or you already know a Collin

that's going to link you.

And also the name Barry comes in around.

- Collin or Barry?

Oh my god, god help me!

[laughing]

They just sound a bit older, don't they, Collin or Barry.

- So I've really gotta go on what comes,

rather than what I think you would like to hear.

- Is this where you normally bring girls, here?

- No, I've never brought a girl in my life.

- Why have you brought us two here then?

- Thought you'd like it, ain't you happy about it?

- D'ya guys think this is a double date?

- D'ya guys think this is a double date?

- I feel like I'm taking my two sons out

- Do you really?

Have you got two sons?

- No, I haven't got two sons!

- Like adopted.

- But like in age.

- It's like reliving your youth.

Like goin and playin' a bit of Arcadia.

- You must have come here before

when you was little, Georgina.

- Yeah, I've been here before to play bowlin'.

But you've brought us here for dinner.

- Since we've got here you've not been--

you've said you been excited.

- Walked in, me and you walked in,

I had my arm round you all that

and now you're giving me the evils.

- So is this what we're having for dinner?

Popcorn?

- And slush.

- Slush is desert.

- Slush and popcorn.

It's cheap as well so you can

literally have anything you like.

[All laugh]

- I thought you'd be happy with this.

[laughing]

- Why?

- Dunno, thought it was quite cool innit, a fun day out.

D'ya know what I mean?

Right let's go into the arcades, so what games d'ya like?

- Hey!

- Oh look who it is!

- You all right guys?

- Hello!

- Where you been?

- You all right?

- Hello.

- Where you been?

- Aw, don't ask mate.

- What's the latest with you and Lyd?

- I dunno, it's not good.

She giving me like some text messages today.

Like she's quite angry and upset,

apparently she's heard some rumour

or someone's said something to her about,

you know, the cheating allegations again.

- Well, have you ever cheated on Lydia before?

- No, I never cheated on her, course not.

If she wasn't--

- Yeah, but what if it was the other way round?

- Yeah, but all I'm saying is that if she didn't love me

and still wanna be with me,

she wouldn't be that bothered about it.

She'd be like oh good he's a prick

and that's the end of it.

D'ya know what I mean?

It shows that she still cares

and I just wanna sort things out y'know?

We'll talk about it another time,

but let's just enjoy ourselves, eh?

- Yeah, man.

[upbeat music]

- So with the champagne lid, it's a little bit

like tea leaves drawing, I'm sure you've heard

of that, tea leaf reading where you look

at the patterns.

You're asking me about your emotional life,

your personal life and when it comes to love,

you know you don't just rush in head first,

I feel you do question things.

- Can't you tell me like times, dates--

- What do you want times and dates in connection with?

- Like, when I'm getting married,

what date I'm gonna have my children.

- Oh, that would be great.

I would have to call myself God if I was going

to do things like that.

- Right.

- I do see a ring on your finger,

'cause I feel you are quite a traditional lady at heart.

- Yeah, but when darling, when?

- When?

Tomorrow?

- Tune in, tune in.

- I don't feel this year.

- Right, so what year?

- I'm not feeling that, I'm gonna say two years.

There's a lot of little love hearts in here,

so I don't think you'll have to wait too long, okay.

- Lauren.

- Oh dear.

Hi, you all right?

- I just thought I'd grab you quick.

'Cause I know this is a bit, don't you think--

not weird, but it's nice isn't it?

- Yeah, no, it is.

- And I never thought I'd be sitting in your front room,

having drinks with the girls.

- I know, and I never though--

I'd always go no - I can't stand her,

never be friends with her.

Whatever.

But now I'm glad we've got through that,

and you know it's a fresh start for me.

And it's just easier, I just prefer it, I'm not a person--

I hate confrontation.

I hate not gettin' on with girls.

- Oh my god, I hate it.

There was a reason obviously, but that's over with now.

I am sorry about what I did to you,

d'ya what I mean your relationship.

- I wanna forget that everything's happened,

put it behind us and start again.

So, I'm glad.

- Best mates!

[Both laugh]

Maybe not that far yet.

- Who'd see the day!

- Right, let's get these drinks in.

- Right, take these in.

- Shall I take the bottle?

- Yeah, go on then.

- D'ya reckon they do rose wine?

- No!

- How dim.

- This isn't quite what I was imagining.

- I know.

- Not exactly being wined and dined, are we?

[laughing]

- Boys, what d'ya reckon of the girls?

- I think they're probably waiting to get a cab home,

to be honest!

[All laugh]

- No listen, listen.

We took 'em out yeah.

- You've taken yourselves out and dragged them two with you.

And you two have had a good time.

- I think we took 'em to the wrong place.

- Hi.

- Hello!

Fancy a game?

- Who's winning?

- Me, obviously!

- I'm quite good at this, obvs.

[laughs]

- As I sort of picked up the shoe, I was hearing

that song, "These Boots are Made For Walking," so--

- These shoes were a gift from my boyfriend

who I'm not with anymore, so I thought that maybe...

- Aw.

So uh, is it still a good memory or not?

- No, not anymore.

- Oh dear, and you've still got the shoes?

- I know, I contemplated throwing them,

but they're too nice.

- Okay.

- You keep 'em, Lydia.

- Okay.

I feel as though he is sorry,

but it may be time to move on you know?

- Yep.

- Um, there's something like a H name coming in,

like a Hayden or something like that.

I'm also getting Simon, Simon the Pieman,

kind of like rhyme in my head.

So I do feel a connection with a Simon,

[All laugh]

maybe he likes pies?

I don't know.

- Pie and mash!

[all laugh]

- You didn't do a lot of trampolineing did you at one point?

I just see trampolines with you for some reason

[All laugh]

- What so what d'ya reckon of tonight?

D'ya reckon it's been like average?

What sort of rateness would you rate this?

- It's a bit below average, I'd say.

- Below average, yeah?

- Yeah.

I feel a bit old to be here to be honest.

- Next time I'll have to take you somewhere like,

I dunno, like maybe a park or something.

- Who said there's going to be a next time?

- Is that better?

What d'ya think of me like a little kid or something?

- No, you're funny, but you're a lot younger than me so.

- Where's Lauren gone?

- To get us a cab.

- What, by yourself?

- Yeah.

Well, we was just gonna leave 'cause yous looked

like you was having a really good time so.

Yeah!

That's it I win.

- What?

I thought you were gonna stay with me

and play a bit more of this.

- But thank you for makin' a really good effort.

- Come on then.

See you later babe.

- See you later.

- See you later.

- I was a bit disappointed with my reading.

What did you think?

- I thought she was gonna tell me more about Arg.

- I thought more about Mario.

And now I'm thinking who the hell's Barry and Colin?

I hope to God I don't meet anyone called...

- Or Simon the pieman?

[All laugh]

Blood hell.

Barry, Colin, Simon the Pieman.

What's the matter?

- Aw, just got a text from Mario.

- Saying?

- "Baby, so glad we're talking, I want to win you back

and make a fresh start.

Love you beautiful, Mario, kiss."

- You gonna reply?

- Hm, I don't really think it needs a reply.

Do you?

- Have you been talkin' to him again then?

- Let him suffer.

- The thing is, right, I still don't 100% know

what I wanna do.

All I know is I still love him

and when I get messages I like it and it makes me smile,

it makes me happy.

Gives me that little feeling inside and I'm like ooh.

But, probably too much.

- This time last week he was looking at naked women.

You gotta remember that in your head.

- I know.

I can't.. I know he's done wrong and it is wrong,

but I would like to see him.

I'm not gonna lie to you girls and say he text me first,

- No one's saying you can't see him.

- like I don't wanna go but I do, I do, I do wanna see him.

- You're gunna do what you wanna do at the end

of the day anyway so..

- I think it was always gonna happen

at some point like Mario's gonna wanna get his own back

'cause he was really hurt, weren't he?

So in a way, it's a bit of a godsend that he just looked

at naked bodies and didn't take it any further.

- Chlo, I know you're mates with Mario, what do you think?

- I think all men look at naked girls

and I think if they start havin' a relationship 'em

then you need to worry about it,

but to be fair, I think if you wanna be with him,

be with him.

Go and meet him, answer his text message.

'Cause the longer you play games,

then he starts playing games,

it all gets complicated and then you end up losing

that person that you really love.

- I know.

- Look how happy she looks when we talk about,

just talk about Mario.

Just get back with him, get married.

[laughs]

Get engaged on Valentine's Day, and just tie the knot,

have a baby by the end of the year and then we're sorted.

- Just crack on.

[pop music]

- [Narrator] Next time on 'The Only Way is Essex',

will Debbie revolutionise the way men see personal grooming?

- So where are you actually doing these blowjobs?

- [Narrator] Is this the bottom line for Diags

and his beauty regime?

- You've gotta take this seriously Diags.

- I am taking it very seriously, I'm putting ass cream

on my face, it's getting a bit serious.

- [Narrator] And did anyone else think Dr Mario

is a salty potato?

- I think now is the time for you to show me your breasts.

- [Narrator] Who knows these people are real

and anything can happen on 'The Only Way is Essex'.