Original subtitles

and the tightest budgie smugglers you've ever seen.

The tans you see might be fake,

but the people are all real,

although some of what they do

has been set up purely for your entertainment.

Previously on "The Only Way Is Essex."

- I was just wondering.

Obviously, it's Christmas time,

if you was up for a kiss?

- Aw!

- Do you know that sort of warm, fuzzy feeling you get

when it's Christmas?

- Yeah.

I get that feeling with Lucy every day.

- I love you.

- I love you, too.

- I'd love it if we started to look for

somewhere to live together.

- I would love that.

[upbeat playful music]

- [Woman] Elvis!

[upbeat electronic music]

- A nightmare.

I've got those PIP implants, ain't I?

Basically, there's these implants were made,

and it's full of crap that's supposed to be in mattresses.

- Shut up.

- Yeah.

Mad, innit?

40,000 women have got them.

It's been all over the news.

There's all been riots and stuff about it.

- I don't watch the news.

I don't get it.

- People's boobs have been bursting and stuff, haven't they?

- Yeah, so your rupture rate is higher.

I don't want an exploding tit.

To be fair, I kind of did wanna change my boobs anyway.

I'd like 'em a little bit bigger,

and also my nipples are so high.

I dunno why.

I've got more skin underneath my nipple than I have above.

- Yeah, but I like that. - They're super high.

They're too high.

They pop out of bras, though,

and stuff all the time.

- Oh.

- I bet any money that Essex has got more PIPs

than the whole world.

- [Frankie And Lauren] Probably.

- Yeah, most probably.

- [Chloe] Have you heard the news?

- Well, I've heard rumours.

Fill me in, what's actually happened?

- I don't really know.

I just heard...

- [Lauren] It's just off?

- They've just broken up. - [Lauren] Completely?

- Yeah.

- I heard they were having problems but...

- Apparently...

- It's just so soon, after Christmas even.

I thought they was happy.

- Do you know what I think?

Boo hoo, it's only a little young relationship.

As if they're gonna stay together forever.

- All right, Ice Queen.

- [Diags] Your bed is

the most uncomfortable bed in the world.

You spread out like a starfish, mate.

- Yeah, I know.

- Ridiculous.

- Last night was good, weren't it?

'Cause every time we go out, I always pull fit girls.

I dunno.

- What's actually going on with you and Jess?

- I found her attractive at first,

but then it just got boring, you know what I mean?

I dunno, what do you think's happening?

You're the one who always sees it.

What do you reckon?

- Trust me, I've known you for years, mate.

She's not your normal girl.

- What do you mean?

- I think you're wasting your time, mate.

I think you don't wanna be with her.

I can tell you don't wanna be with her,

'cause if you did, it'd be proper.

She might wanna be with you, I dunno.

She's a nice enough girl but...

- I don't really flirt with her.

She flirts with me and I just flirt back.

That's it.

- How come every time I go out, I don't pull any girls?

- Dunno.

It's probably 'cause of your gums.

[Diags and Joey laugh]

You gotta stop smiling, seriously.

- Fuck off, it ain't that bad.

- Do you wanna know what it looks like?

Big balloons.

- I only just woke up, mate.

Leave me alone.

- Yeah, man.

D'you want a tea?

- Well, I don't really like tea, but I'll have it.

It's good tea, though, look.

It's Monkey Picked Tea.

It's special.

It says,

"Picked by special trained monkeys.

"Contains powerful anti-dioxides like-"

- Antioxidants. Anti whatever.

- D'you want some?

- No.

I'll have water.

- Think about it.

That's touched a monkey's hand.

- Why does it make a difference if a monkey's picked it?

- 'Cause, obviously, it's special.

- How d'you get the bits out?

- I don't think you do.

I've never made it before.

Ah yeah, it's beautiful.

- Me and James have obviously always had a lot of problems

and our issues, and things like that,

and just after Christmas, I was just like,

look, I just need a bit of time out.

I just need a bit of time away from it,

because we've grown up and changed so much,

and I just think we just argue now

about the most stupidest things.

But it just like, although we've broken up,

and we're trying to cut strings, I find it really hard,

'cause every time I see him, that's it, my heart goes,

and it's so hard because I just crumble,

because I love him.

- Yeah, exactly, it's because you love him,

and you think, I know this is not right, I'm not happy,

but then I'm staying in an unhappy relationship

because I love him.

Sometimes, you've gotta think, is love enough?

Where is it going?

What's gonna happen?

- James never admits to anything that's wrong.

If ever I go to him,

I feel like we're arguing and things, he'll be like,

"What you talking about?

"What you talking about?"

and I'd be like,

"James, we've argued like five times this week,

and it's only Saturday."

And he'll always be in denial with it,

and pretend that everything's fine,

and I feel pressure,

and I've gotta pretend that everything's fine

and I'm not upset about it.

- It's gonna be all right, okay?

Honestly.

- Sorry.

We've been with each other since we were kids.

I was 17 when I met James, so I was a little kid.

Now we've grown up together,

and we've been through the most amazing experience

and the most amazing adventure together.

But one part of me's like,

"Lydia, carry on trying,

"because you'll never love anyone like you love James."

But the second part of me is just like,

"Well, can you really be this unhappy?"

- I know.

- It's just awful.

- You've gotta get the dogs involved with the yoga.

So I thought, I'll try it out with Ralph and Elvis,

and we'll see if it works.

Okay, so, make sure they're standing forward,

and you pick up his back legs and you lift them up

and then you stretch them,

and this is called a Downward Dog.

- [Cara] Don't we do this one?

- Yeah.

I think that's where the name must have come from.

'Cause I reckon-

- No, 'cause we done yoga before dogs done yoga.

- No.

How can it be, if it's called Downward Dog?

It must have originally come from...

- What, a dog?

- Yeah, definitely.

- Okay, so what is the benefits that the dog get?

- Well, it's mainly about keeping them calm.

It makes them much more aware of people around them.

For Elvis, I hope it really does work,

'cause he's always very timid.

- He's really nervous, isn't he, around people?

- I know.

- He's always shaking.

- I know.

I don't know if likes the outfit.

I'm not sure.

- He definitely loves his outfit.

- I think he quite likes the yoga,

'cause he likes all the massaging side of it.

But not only do the dogs get benefits,

we benefit, because some of the positions,

if you're doing one of the positions,

and you're doing a squat,

say that you hold the dog in one hand-

- Do we do the squat as well?

- And you use them as weights.

But we're quite lucky,

bcause can you imagine if we had-

- A bulldog or something. - A bulldog.

Or a Labrador.

I mean, how are you gonna do this with a Labrador?

- I think the boys have had enough now.

- Yeah, let's give them a little rest, eh?

Ahh.

Don't cry, Elvis.

[Elvis whimpers]

- What did you say?

You don't like Billi's class?

Me neither.

[laughs]

[upbeat piano music]

- Do she know I'm here or...

- No, I mean, I'll wait.

You can't come round, James, when she's here, can you?

- I do really wanna see her, Debbie.

It is her 21st birthday.

It's a big one,

and I haven't given her a birthday present yet.

- And it's important that you give her that.

It's her 21st.

- Do you know what she's doing?

- I'm gonna take her our for a meal with all the girls

to a brasserie in Romford.

We're gonna have a girly meal.

You know I'm always here for you, no matter what, right?

- Yeah, I know, I know.

All I wanted us to do was move in together,

and I thought that'd be the next stage in our relationship,

and after that, if that worked out well,

then I was hoping we'd get engaged,

and we'd look to get married in maybe a couple of years,

and now everything's just...

I just don't know what I'm gonna do.

- James, I love you very, very, very much.

You know that.

And you've been really part of this family

for the last three, four years.

I think of you like my son.

She's my daughter.

She needs to find herself, James.

She was 17 when she met you,

and I don't think she knows what she wants.

- Okay.

- For you, if you was to get married, move in together,

and live happily ever after,

you would be happy forever, wouldn't you?

- Yeah.

- And I know how much you love my daughter,

and for a mother, that's all you want.

You want somebody to love her.

But you have to give her that space,

because if you loved her that much,

you would do that, wouldn't you?

If you loved her that much, you'd give her that space,

and that's just to find herself, James.

- I'm not 18 years old anymore now.

I've turned 24, and this was supposed to be

the time of my life,

that I thought I could start looking at moving out together,

start thinking about the future,

and this is not what I planned to happen.

- But life never goes to plan, James, does it?

- [Carol] Put your hat on properly, Mom.

- It don't even fit.

- [Jess] Go on, then.

[laughing]

- I can't put that leg on there.

- Nan, put that leg on first.

- But how-

- [Carol] Put that leg on there.

Put that one on.

That's it.

- Oh, I've wet myself.

- Now, you're not gonna fall off, are you?

- I'm scared.

- Go on, there we go.

- [Carol] Follow me, girls.

- Don't get in front, then.

- [Jess] Ah, I feel like I'm gonna topple over.

- Go on.

- [Jess] I can't brake, I can't brake.

I'm not joking, I can't brake.

- [Nanny Pat] Oh, Jessica!

Out the way.

Be careful.

I'm not doing anything, Jess.

- Are you peddling?

You've gotta peddle.

- I'm peddling, and you told me to stop.

- Keep going.

- Right. Okay?

- Yep.

- I can't find any of my stuff, Mario.

Everything's just everywhere.

- It's probably 'cause you don't live here.

- Do you know where my brush is?

- In the bathroom, probably?

Along with all the rest of your stuff.

- Don't be like that.

- I'm not being like that,

but I keep finding shit everywhere.

Your teddy's there, your dressing gown's there.

I just found a clump of your hair on my couch.

I find it in the bed.

I put a fresh T-shirt on

and I've got one of your hairs in it.

- I don't ask for it to fall out.

It falls out.

I've got extensions.

That's what happens.

- Seriously, you malt more than a dog.

Although I'm joking.

It's disgusting.

It's like having a child, not a girlfriend.

- I tidy up after I've eaten.

- You never do. - Yes I do.

- I cook and I clean. - I load the dishwasher.

I empty the dishwasher.

You don't do that.

- I'm not your dad.

You haven't got to say what you're doing

for your pocket money.

If you're here, respect that this is my man cave.

- Ugh.

- What?

- 'My man cave.'

- It is.

It's a bachelor pad.

- It's not a bachelor pad, because you got a girlfriend,

and your girlfriend stays round every night.

I basically live here.

- Don't play the victim.

- I'm not playing the victim.

I just feel like, at the moment,

you have your cake and eat it.

D'you know what I mean?

I stay round every night,

but yet I can't have a key, and your mom does.

- My mom has a key because she tidies up for me.

I pay her to tidy up for me.

- Yeah, well, you've said you've moved out to grow up,

but you pay your mom to tidy up for you.

- She does my washing and ironing.

I do work full time.

- I work as well, Mario, as you know.

- Yeah, okay, but when I'm still here,

I still tidy up after myself.

Finding clumps of hair everywhere is disgusting.

- Yeah, but that's not my fault.

- When the boys are round playing "FIFA"

they find clumps of hair everywhere.

It's disgusting.

- There might be a few things here and there,

but I'm not untidy, unclean.

- You are unclean.

You know you're untidy.

- I'm a little bit untidy,

but I'm not horrific.

I'm not unlivable with,

and if it was my house,

maybe I'd take more pride in it.

It's not mine, is it?

As you keep saying.

Everything's yours.

Every choice is yours.

It's not mine.

- Everything is mine.

- [Nan] Oh dear.

- [Carol] Did you like getting on a bike

after all these years?

- Well, they say once you've rode a bike,

you never forget, don't they?

- [Carol] It'd be good in the summer.

- Be riding along here, with my bikini.

- By the summer, you'll be a pro bike rider, Nan.

[Nan laughs]

- What's happening in your life?

- Oh, I dunno, really.

I've seen, obviously, you know what happened with Joey.

We were speaking quite a lot,

and it's just sort of calmed off a little bit recently,

but then, for some reason,

there just is a connection between us.

It just happened, and then since then,

he's tried to kiss me a few times and stuff,

but I don't wanna just go round kissing him

every time I see him out,

'cause that'd-

- Will it go any further?

That's the problem.

- I don't know.

- Is it gonna go any further?

You know what I mean.

- That's the question, Nan.

That's the million dollar question.

I dunno.

- It wasn't like it in our days.

I mean, once you started courting a boyfriend,

well, went out with a boyfriend,

'cause courting now is not the name, is it, for it?

So you went out with a boyfriend,

and then you sort of carried on with him forever,

until you got engaged.

Then you got married,

and then you bought your own house.

There you are, you see.

Look at them two boys.

[whistles]

- Nan!

[Nanny Pat whistles]

It looks like you're the one who wants a younger man, Nan!

- There's a couple round the back of the trees

over there somewhere.

I'll go over and have a little chat with them in a minute.

- Yeah, you'll chat 'em up for us?

- So we're gonna get on the bike.

- Yeah, come on, then.

Let's get back into it.

- We've gotta get going again, haven't we?

- [Carol] We're gonna find your toyboy.

- I don't want a toyboy.

- Nanny wants one.

- [Jess] Yeah, leave that to Nanny.

- Sweet Jesus.

- Why do you boys permanently

look at girls' boobs all the time.?

- I didn't.

I just said she seems a nice girl.

- How are you?

- Good, how are you?

- Not bad, a little bit busy.

The phone has been ringing.

- Is he still texting you?

- Yeah.

He's got a girlfriend.

I don't understand it.

- He's naughty, in't he?

- It's not right.

- It'll all end in tears.

- I know, but what can I do?

- You're just too irresistible, Georgina.

[Georgina laughs]

- We're going out tonight, if you fancy it.

Chloe, Frankie's up for it.

- Oh, definitely.

- Yeah, a few drinkies.

- Yeah, that would be a laugh.

What you gonna wear?

- Haven't got a clue.

What you gonna wear?

- Oh, you know me.

Something like jeans and my big bag.

[Lauren laughs]

- Big bags make you look skinnier.

- Do they?

- [Lauren] Yeah.

- Who said that?

- Nicole Richie.

- No way.

- Yeah, if you hold a big bag like this.

- You're gonna see me walk in tonight with a massive bag.

- Massive case!

[laughs]

- It's a way off.

- You'll look well skinny now.

[upbeat dramatic music]

- [Mario] Hello mate, you all right?

- All right, how you doing, mate?

- Not too bad, you?

- Yeah, I'm all right, mate.

I've been better.

- [Mario] What's up?

- I dunno, man.

It's just the Lydia thing, ain't it?

We're on, we're off.

Literally two days ago, we were sleeping together,

and she's telling me how much she loves me,

but I dunno.

Just gotta see what happens.

You know what we're like,

we always end up getting back together in the end, don't we?

So has Lucy spoke to Lyds?

- Um, I think Lucy said earlier they're going out tonight.

- Oh right.

Yeah, yeah, I know, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- So, obviously, I was gonna say,

did you fancy coming out with me and the boys, tonight,

to sort of cheer up a little bit?

- Yeah, yeah.

You might as well get out, mate.

- I'll see how it goes.

I'll let you know, yeah?

- Well, I think, in my opinion, mate,

you've gotta go through bad times to appreciate good times.

But I think a bit of time apart

will probably do you good.

- Yeah, maybe, yeah.

- So I think she's going out with Lucy

to sort of let her hair down,

or whatever they're doing.

- She's not saying she don't love me anymore.

It's not like, all of a sudden,

she doesn't fancy me, or we're not sleeping together,

haven't got the lust there.

It's just literally the arguing.

I just think we're irritating each other, and I dunno.

- That's what I mean, though.

A bit of time and you'll forget that.

You know what I mean?

You all right, though?

- Yeah, I'm all right, mate.

- You doubting yourself at all?

- No.

Just feeling a bit...

- Trust me, I've been there.

I know what it feels like.

- One of them days, so...

- It's all right, mate.

Chin up.

- I'll see you later.

- Mate, you do this every single time.

You're not ready, again.

- I'll do it every time.

So why do you come round so early?

- If you come to my house, mate,

and I took this long to get ready,

you'd be crying your eyes out.

- I've had a shower.

I just ain't ready at all.

- Do you even know what you're gonna wear tonight?

- No, I dunno.

I gotta try some things on.

Do you wanna help me try some things on, yeah?

- You can't wear that, obviously, so...

- I was actually thinking at one point, yeah, about this.

- Mate, get over your vintage thing.

You're gonna wear a shirt with elephants on it?

You'd look absolutely ridiculous.

- Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

That's why I'm trying it on first.

It's vintage, so that's why I'm trying it on.

- Look at the sleeves.

It's like a cape.

- Yeah, but obviously I roll them up like that.

Look.

- Don't ever wear that.

- I will definitely wear this one day, just not right now.

This is a jacket, mate.

- That's horrible.

You do actually look like my nan's curtains.

That's what it looks like you're wearing, mate.

- If I was gonna wear that, right,

I reckon every girl in there...

- Is gonna look at you...

- And fancy me.

- No.

They're gonna look at you.

In fact, they'll think you look like a twat.

- So how come I always pull birds

when I'm wearing things like this?

- 'Cause you're lucky, mate.

You've got a good looking face.

- True.

Do you reckon you'll pull tonight?

- I'm hoping so, mate.

Being your wing man, take your discards,

the ones who aren't interested in you.

- It's getting a bit long.

It's starting to poke out there.

- Just leave it, mate.

It's fine.

Seriously, 'cause I'm getting proper tired now.

- See that?

- Does it really make that much of a difference?

- Yeah, trust me.

The girls notice it, mate.

- Such a tosser.

[laughing]

- I feel like it was good to talk to Lauren,

because I think that she's been in a similar situation.

I think a lot of people probably wouldn't understand.

- Well, sometimes, it's someone on the outside.

- Yeah.

- I've gotta be honest, Lydia.

James has been round this morning.

- Has he?

- I said,

"James, you've just got to leave her alone."

- I haven't really been going out loads recently,

because I haven't wanted to bump into him.

I just don't really wanna see him at all,

'cause it's just too hard.

- Well, you see, this is where he struggles.

He does smother you.

He is very obsessed by you,

and I can see, when he's around you a lot,

you become really worn out with it.

I can see that, 'cause he is emotionally draining.

That's what James does.

I'm not having a go at him.

That's his personality.

He does tend to drain you of energy.

He's reading it like you still love him.

- Yeah.

- That's what he's grasping onto.

- Well, I do.

- I know, and he's grasping onto that.

- I just don't wanna talk about it anymore.

I've just spoke about it all this morning.

There's always people questioning me like,

"Oh, are you sure that's the right thing?"

It just annoys me.

I just want everyone to leave it.

I've made my decision.

I don't wanna keep on talking about it.

I don't wanna keep on bringing it up.

I've cried all morning over it.

Obviously, I don't wanna hear that James is upset,

and I don't wanna hear all that sort of side of things,

'cause then it makes me feel guilty.

It makes me feel like I'm a horrible person,

and I'm putting someone I love through absolute hell,

but I'm not doing it because I'm nasty

or anything like that.

I'm just doing it for my own happiness and sanity,

and I don't care if that makes me selfish.

- You're not selfish, darling.

You're not selfish.

You are the last person in this whole world to be selfish.

Everyone will have their own opinion,

but what's more important than anything is your happiness.

All right?

Give us a kiss.

Mommy loves you.

- Love you.

- All right?

- Yeah.

- Good girl.

- My willy is killing me in these jeans.

- You wear 'em too tight.

You'll make yourself infertile, you will.

- You can talk.

Have you seen your bollocks, mate?

You're worse than me, mate.

Ridiculous.

- Appetising.

- All I wanna do tonight is find a salty potato

and I'm gonna be sweet.

- A what?

- Salty potato.

- What's a salty potato?

- A salty girl.

Salt.

- Salt?

What is the potato?

- Salt, potato, girl.

She's like a potato.

- Salty potatoes are nice, aren't they?

- So you wanna find a fat girl that tastes like salt?

- No.

D'you like potatoes?

- Come here, you.

- Do you like potatoes?

- Yeah, all right.

- Do you like salt?

- Yeah.

- Salty potato.

- It's not good for you, though.

- Yeah, I know, but...

- Girls ain't good for you, mate.

Girls ain't good for you.

- Girls ain't good for you, true.

Tell me about it.

- Salty potatoes, ain't it?

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

- That girl in the white

is quite a bit of a sort, isn't she?

- She's all right.

- [Diags] She's all right.

- She's all right.

- [Diags] She's a roo.

- She's a roo.

- She's a rata roo.

- She's a rata roo.

- What the fuck is that?

- It just means all right.

She's just all right.

[upbeat synth music]

[ladies cheer]

- Yes!

- I'd like all to raise our glasses

and wish Lydia Rose Bright

a very, very happy 21st birthday.

- [Everyone] Happy birthday Lyds!

- Thank you to everyone for being here for me

for the past couple of days,

especially my mom, who's been here for me a lot,

and organised a big girly night for me.

[people talking over each other]

I love you.

- [Everyone] Cheers!

- So when you're out, what kind of guys do you look out for?

- Someone that's not into me.

- Oh no.

- Someone that isn't looking at me or...

Do you know what I mean?

- So you like a challenge.

- A bit of a challenge.

- I can imagine, you'd like a guy,

and then if they don't like you,

then they do start liking you, you'd get bored.

- Yeah, then I wouldn't be interested.

- You're like,

in the nicest possible way, you're like a bloke.

- Do you think?

I just wanna laugh.

I'm just up for a laugh.

- Look at that little [mumbles] over there, mate.

- I know.

What do you reckon?

- Running a wet?

- I like what she's wearing.

She's [mumbles].

- Have you met Joey before.

- Joey?

- Joey Essex.

- No.

Are they looking?

- They're talking about you.

- They're talking about me, mate.

- I don't know his friend as well.

- Who is his friend?

- I've met him a couple of times.

Called James, everyone called him Diags.

He's got a diagonal mouth.

- This way, diagonal?

- I can't remember which way it goes.

- This my turn.

- Oh wow, what are they doing?

Oh no.

- Welcome to Joey.

That is thumbs up Joey.

- What's happening, girl?

- What are you two homos chatting about?

- The girls over there.

She's quite a sort, isn't she?

The one in the white.

What d'you reckon?

What d'you reckon?

Huh?

- We just got a little bit of history.

- What, you text her lots?

- All right, if Sam made you cry, she will.

- No joking, mate.

- So there's nothing in a guy that you think,

oh yeah, that's hot?

- Okay, maybe, one thing that I do really like in a guy.

I like tattoos.

- Ah, yes, me too.

Like sleeves.

- Like a sleeve.

I think it's quite nice.

- Mario's got nice tattoos.

- Is Mario standing there?

I wanna look again.

- Look at him.

You can have a good nosey.

- Oh, girls, I've had such a good night.

- Have you had a really good night?

- Such a good night.

- D'you know what?

You know what makes me realise

who needs a man?

- No, I do not need a man.

- I know.

- D'you know what hit me?

The snoring.

I would go to Arg,

"Come on, Arg, stop snoring."

He'd be going like this.

[snoring]

I'd be like,

"Come on, Arg.

"Please stop snoring, please stop snoring, baby, please."

- You have to get revenge on the farting,

and the snoring, and the toilet seat.

- What's your revenge list?

- What have you done, then?

- It's just like,

"Oh, come on, let's have a morning spoon,"

so you have a little spoon, and a little cuddle,

and then you fart on their willy.

[Lydia laughs]

- What?

Fart on their willy?

- That's batshit!

- I'll never look at you the same again!

Ever!

[upbeat bouncy music]

- You all right, Joe?

You could've dressed up for the occasion.

- Yeah, same to you.

You all right?

- How are you?

- Yeah, good, you?

- Yeah, not bad, thank you.

- Good tonight, innit?

- Yeah, really good.

It just felt a bit awkward between us.

I thought I'd come over and say hello.

- Why's it awkward?

- Not awkward, just obviously,

we went from one extreme to another,

so it feels a bit weird.

- What do you mean?

- When we kissed, afterwards,

we were speaking all the time,

and then it went from that to, obviously, nothing.

Why are you laughing?

- It's not like I dumped you, is it?

It's not like I went, oh yeah, dump, see you later.

- I feel like an idiot, I do.

I actually feel like an idiot.

- You don't look like an idiot.

- You just didn't even contact me, and I was like,

I put myself on the line,

and then you literally...

I was like, Jesus Christ.

- I haven't ended anything.

Nothing started.

- I know that.

- So, we're both single, but I'm having fun.

Like I said, I ain't gotta end some things lightly.

It's the way I see it.

- Really nice to meet you tonight.

- And you.

- I'm really glad you come out.

- I know. I am.

- Do you fee a bit weird wearing jeans

to go to a night club?

- No.

- 'Cause I'd never do that.

I'd never rock out in jeans to a night club.

- Would you not?

- Never feel comfortable.

Wouldn't feel like I was going out.

- [Chloe] Like glam enough.

- You must get ready well quick.

It takes me so long to get ready.

I hate it.

It drives me mad.

- I get ready in 20 minutes.

- Hair, makeup, and outfit, all 20 minutes?

- 20 minutes.

- D'you know what?

20 minutes wouldn't even be enough time for me

to get to the bathroom.

- No.

- [Chloe] Swear.

- What you thinking?

- I think you should go over to the girls

and bring them over here.

What you saying?

- You're gonna get him to do your dirty work?

- [Joey] I always get him to do my dirty work.

- All right, sweet.

- I've gotta see this.

- Just go up to her?

- Give me five.

Just go over to her, and just say.

Cool, mate.

James, go over to her, and just say,

"Do you wanna come over?"

She might say no, she might say yeah.

If not, another day, yeah?

- Girls, girls, girls.

- Diags, what's happening?

- All right, Frank.

You all right?

Sweet, nice to see you.

You all right?

- Hello, you're James.

Nice to meet you. - James, Diags.

I've come over for a reason, by the way.

My mate, Joey, is too shy to come over and say hello to you.

Well, too shy.

- Where is he now?

- Sitting over there, on the table over there.

He wants you to come over and have a drink with us.

- Yeah, no, I'd rather stay here.

- Why?

- 'Cause I'm having a good night.

I was having a good night before you come over.

- Before I came over?

- No, I'm not saying

I wouldn't have a good night over there,

but I was just quite content standing here.

But if Joey wants to talk to me, he can come over here.

- Well, maybe a different place, different time, then, yeah?

- Maybe.

- All right.

All right, see you later.

- See you.

- Has he got a girlfriend?

- What d'you think?

- Do you really have to ask that question?

- Ah, bless him.

- Oh, that's a bit harsh, innit?

- What'd she say?

- What'd she say?

- Do you not fancy Joey?

- I don't know him to fancy him.

He seems like, looking at him, he's a good looking boy.

- She was like,

"I'm having a girls night out."

- [Mario] Is she not coming over?

- She's not gonna come over.

- So attempt one, you've crashed and you've burned.

- All right, I just can't believe you failed, mate.

- You've crashed and burned.

You're a complete cock block, seriously, mate.

- You're the biggest cock block I know, mate.

You might as well been a blockbuster.

- You've just completely screwed it up.

- Lovely night, girls, innit?

- Thank you, girls, for tonight.

I've had a lovely evening.

- Ah.

Cheers!

- We've cheered about twenty times tonight,

but one more to the girls.

Where are we going after?

- Yeah, where should we go, girls?

- You've gotta carry the night on,

'cause it's been a brilliant night,

and you're only 21 once.

[talking over each other]

- We've had such a good night tonight.

We've not gotta stop.

- What's up?

- [Lauren] Arg, can I talk to you a minute?

- Can you wait two seconds?

- No, come over here, I wanna talk to you.

- No, that's fine.

- [Lauren] I wanna talk to you.

- [Arg] I'll talk to you in a minute.

- I'll talk to you in a minute.

- Lauren, you're drunk, go and sit down.

- I'm not drunk at all.

- All right, girls.

I know it's a girly night out,

and I know you've all had a few drinks and whatever,

and I'm not here to ruin that.

Obviously, it's Lydia's 21st birthday.

We have been sort of on and off for four years now,

and I've felt that I should be here

to at least give Lydia her birthday present.

I know it's something you've always wanted.

It's very clear that

we both still love each other very much,

but she's confused at the moment.

- Arg, can I just say something?

- No, Lauren, sorry, can I say something?

No, let me finish, Lauren, let me speak.

- Mom, she's my friend.

- [Arg] Lauren, let me finish.

- She's sticking up for me.

If you wanna stick up for him, you can stick up for him.

- Lauren, please.

Lauren, if I really wanted

to take relationship advice from someone,

I don't particularly thinK

you might be the first person that I'd turn to.

- Why's that then, Arg?

- Right, listen.

Shush.

Can I just say something?

Shush, shush, please.

- Why is that then, relationship advice, Arg?

- Lauren, you've had a few drinks.

- I haven't had a few drinks, actually.

- Stop, please. - Right, all I'm saying is,

sorry girls, I didn't wanna do this.

- I'm having a good birthday party, and you're ruining it.

- I know you are.

Lydia, it's your 21st birthday.

I just wanna let you know,

I'm gonna give you space now,

and you do what you gotta do.

Right, when you're ready, I'm ready.

I'm not gonna pester you anymore.

See you later, girls.

- [Lucy] That's what bugs me.

He comes in here and goes,

"Oh, I wanna give her space,"

but it's not space.

- [Lauren] He's a selfish, selfish...

- How did he even know we were here, Lyd?

Does anyone know how he knows we were here?

- Well, I did say to him that

I'm taking her to a brasserie for dinner.

I did say that.

- D'you know what you need to do, Debbie?

Don't invite him round.

Don't tell him what Lydia's doing.

You have to just do it this once.

You have to.

- If that's what James wanted to do,

walking in with her present,

then that's what he's gotta do.

We've just all gotta-

- [Lucy] Can I just say one thing?

I don't doubt that he loves her.

I think it means more to do it personally.

- I think she's talking more sense than you are, Mom.

- I'm just saying, I felt he was shaking.

- I'd rather you just keep quiet,

because you're not talking any sense.

- [Narrator] Next time on "The Only Way Is Essex."

Will Nanny Pat whistle while she works it?

- There's a couple round the back of the trees

over there somewhere.

- [Jess] Nan!

[Nanny Pat whistles]

- [Narrator] Is this just desserts for Arg and Lydia?

- Right, when you're ready, I'm ready.

I'm not gonna pester you anymore.

See you later, girls.

- [Narrator] And will Elvis make it through another episode?

- Ah.

- [Narrator] Who knows?

These people are real, and anything can happen

on "The Only Way Is Essex."