Original subtitles

surprise snogging and a fond farewell.

The tans you see might be fake

but the people are all real although some

of what they do

has been set up purely for your entertainment.

Previously on The Only Way Is Essex.

- Your morals are way off, it's over, seriously.

- The only way I can relate

with gay people is that I'm a huge fan of Will Young.

- Bloody mugs will have you back.

- Shut up will Lauren you're embarrassing yourself.

- Shut up, you fucking shut up.

You're meant to be my friend.

- I'm your friend?

- [Lauren] Yeah.

- Fucking wanker.

- Oh my God.

- Fuck off.

[upbeat electro music]

- Aw, thanks Frank.

- My two favourite girls.

- Arg. - Arg.

- Right, come on, let me get in.

- Oh god.

- Let me in the middle.

- Falling off the bed, falling off the bed.

- Ah it's cosy.

James, you can't be sitting in here all day.

- I just need to rest.

- I've heard all about the dramas last night.

- I was in the toilet when it all kicked off.

- What, was you doing a number two?

- Yeah, I was doing a poo

and then while I was doing that it was all kicking off--

- It's not interesting, James.

- He was doing a poo.

- It's nothing interesting, it's boring.

It's the same thing.

Did Mark say anything to you?

- No, that's why I can't stay in bed for too long

because I'm gonna go and see Mark in a minute.

- Noo.

- No we don't want you, we don't want you to,

Lydia don't be romantic.

We don't want him to be staying in bed with us all day.

- I want a duvet day.

- No.

- Us three together forever.

- Oh listen,

I wouldn't mind a duvet day with Mario but not with James.

- Actually you know what?

Everyone's saying you're turning into a bit

of a MILF at the moment.

- I really am.

[laughing]

- Cheers.

Why do Essex parties always have to end in drama?

- Always ends in tears.

- What was all that shouting about?

Girls are supposed to stick together,

we're meant to be, like we're all friends,

you meant to be their for each other and like,

not like start to call each other names,

and shouting out peoples dirty laundry across the room,

do you know what I mean? - It's your birthday,

- Yeah.

- take your drama elsewhere.

Do you know what I mean?

Take it around your own house, to your own bloody birthdays.

I think Lauren is just all over the place at the moment.

- Yeah.

- And was probably thinking like,

you forget like she was engaged, know what I mean?

she had an engagement party

and you were the one in the wedding dress.

She was probably thinking that could have been me.

I feel sorry for her.

- I feel sorry for her.

- Are you hungover?

- Yes, I feel like this is our life now,

just one big hangover.

- Just one big hangover.

I've actually forgotten

what waking up feeling sober feels like without a hangover.

- How did that all kick off?

- I don't know.

The thing is right, I didn't even look at Mark or Sam,

you know, kinda kept my dignity,

and then towards the end of the night it all kicked off.

I was so angry with Mark,

the fact he just comes over and is like,

well, if you are moving on,

you are going round telling everyone you are moving on.

- I've never seen you like that before.

- I was so angry, and I'd had enough of it.

And I just spoke to Mark and I said,

oh, listen, go on then, see you later,

only mugs will have you back.

- I think it was the mug thing that really got Sam,

because as soon as you said

that she literally turned round and was like what?

- She was like dun dum, eyes were on me,

my eyes were on her,

and I was like there's no need for it.

Do you know what I mean?

My issue is not with Sam, it's more with him.

He said I'll apologise for this, I was like no, shut up.

- Are you genuinely gonna forget Mark?

- I will never get back with Mark, and I mean that.

- Did you see Mario at the party?

- Mmm. - Did you see his new haircut?

- Mmm.

- What?

- I was just asking what you think of Mario's new hair.

I think it looks better.

- Yeah, it does look a lot better, a very good looking boy.

- Him and Lucy are no more.

- Really?

It's not nice is it?

Being cheated on.

[upbeat music]

- Hey, Sam.

- Hello, how are you?

- I'm alright, you?

- Are you okay?

I haven't seen you in ages.

You look really sad, tell me what's wrong.

- I've just fucked everything up.

- What with Mario?

What?

- Everything's over basically and--

- What, he's not speaking to you at all?

- I don't blame him for breaking up with me,

I was an idiot, I just,

I've just gotta come up with something to get him back.

- Yeah.

- I know this sounds mad, he's my best friend,

I tell him more than anyone,

and he knows every single thing about me,

down to my crusty feet.

- Even I know, actually I know that

because I've known you so long.

- Ah god.

- I think, you know, this is so fresh, Lucy,

this has just happened.

Like, he's a man, he needs time, do you know what I mean?

Any man would need time after this.

For him it's a pride thing, he's got mates around him.

- I just hope it's not too late.

- What, so the reason why this has all like blown out

of proportion and whatever, is because Mark said it,

and then was accused of lying, and then wanted to prove it.

- Basically, Mark didn't want to be a liar.

- That's Mark for you, isn't it?

[upbeat rock music]

- Do you know the history behind firework night?

- Like, this is what Guy Fawkes done, he created fireworks.

- Yeah, but do you know,

like really why we celebrate the night?

- No, not really,

he died on the cross or something didn't he, on the bonfire.

- That's Jesus.

No, I think basically, this man tried

to like blow up the Houses

of Parliament years and years ago.

- What's the Houses of Parliament? Like important people?

- You know like where Big Ben is in London

with all them like where the government are and that?

- Where the queen is and that?

- No that's, the Queen lives in Buckingham Palace,

basically this Guy Fawkes guy tried to like blow it all up.

- Why?

- I don't know, I can't remember.

- So why do we celebrate it then?

- I don't know.

- Mark said to me,

do you mind if I go and speak to Lauren.

And I was like course not.

Then he went and spoke to Lauren then

as Mark was walking out, she was going, yeah, go on then,

go back out with another mug.

The mug that you used to go out with,

like sitting behind me.

And then it literally went mad, like this massive row,

but like I couldn't hold it in.

Do you know what annoys me the most?

For the last two months she's been going

around saying Mark's scum, I don't want him,

he's not for me, I can't wait to move on,

that's all she said,

clearly not the way she acted the other night.

- I don't know the girl,

but I know when I was with him she made my life hell.

- Yeah, she is jut like a woman scorn,

is that what it's called?

- Bunny boiler.

- Anyway,

after all that now I think I'm dreading this firework party.

- God, I hadn't even thought about that.

- Everyone's gonna be there, do you know what I mean?

Lauren's gonna be there,

I've got to at some point speak to Mark about everything

and all the dramas that are created around that boy,

it is just like ridiculous.

- Yip.

- You know we went shopping the other day, Right?

- Yeah.

- I said to you you've gotta start buying some new garms,

start looking nice, you go out,

you got no pride in your appearance.

Your pants are about ten years old.

They're meant to be black, they're like white

where they are faded that much, seriously.

And they are the only pants you ever wear.

And they're about ten sizes too small.

[laughing]

- What happened last night, mate?

- I wanted to go and speak to Lauren,

and she just started getting more angry and more angry,

so I just got up and walked off,

and as I'm walking off

she's like shouting verbal abuse, but mainly about Sam.

- It's like Jerry Springer or Jeremy Kyle.

- I am just getting to that point now where Arg,

where I just I don't even know what to do.

- Now I think she's sort of realised that you have sort

of moved on a bit, she is finding it hard again,

she's gone back to square one.

- Look, enough of that anyway,

because it's just all getting on my nerves at the moment,

everything that's going on,

I don't know what to do about things.

So you are gonna get on the sunbed

and I am gonna give you this cream,

because this stuff here makes you golden,

makes you brown, you will come off looking like,

who do you used to say you used to looked like?

A young Dustin Hoffman?

- A young Dustin Hoffman.

- That will be you straight after that.

- Really?

'Cause the thing is I've heard you look slimmer

when you're are brown.

- Well, if you say so yeah.

The browner you go,

the darker them burger nipples are gonna go.

[laughing]

- So I'm just gonna ask you some questions

'cause I know you're not stupid.

What do you do if a Policeman flashes you?

- You've gotta move out of the way

for him to let him go past.

- But you must pullover as well sometimes,

because he might want to come out

and have a little chat with you.

- Yeah, definitely.

Why can't the world just get a bus?

- I don't think anyone is Essex gets on a bus,

they're embarrassing.

- Yeah, no.

I've never been on a bus.

- Does your boyfriend drive?

- Yeah.

- What cars he got?

- I dunno, it's like granny mobile.

Yeah.

- Don't worry about it.

How are you getting on with him?

- I am really happy being with him.

- From experience in my life,

you must always be comfy with someone,

definitely 100%, because if you're not

then it just ain't gonna last.

But when I look at you next to him,

and I've gotta say this,

and I hope you don't mind me saying it,

but when he dances I think you get embarrassed.

- What do you mean?

- I just think with him,

he just wants to get down to it

with his sexual dancing faces. - It's like that, isn't it?

- His teeth come out, do the teeth, Harry.

- I was standing there going.

- You're dancing like all girly and that

and he's giving it, yeah want my cock?

[laughing]

- I know what you mean.

- I was like, pack that dancing up.

I couldn't say anything Harry,

because I didn't wanna be rude to him,

but I was like Harry, to me you're innocent in my eyes,

and I just think he is a bit of an experienced person.

- Yeah.

- And just say to him, babe,

stop pulling them faces when you're dancing.

[upbeat music]

- Your boobs are massive.

- Do you think?

I dunno, I think you get used to them on your own body.

Like some people I look at,

like yours are massive, yours are bigger than mine.

- Look how pale mine are.

- You need a spray.

- I know.

I can't remember what it's like having real boobs.

- They are disgusting, I've never wanted them.

- What, real boobs?

- Yeah, I think they're so ugly.

What's the point?

- So nice to finally chill out--

- And relax, a bit of girl time,

we've not stopped working, we've been so busy haven't we?

We've not stopped, it's just nice to chill.

- How's it going?

- I teach yoga now as well, don't I?

- Do ya?

- Yeah, Bikram Yoga which is hot yoga.

- When you do yoga do your boobs get in the way?

- Yeah a bit.

But luckily, when I am teaching,

I mean can you imagine if you can stand at the front

of the class and say okay, and everyone go down,

at least when I teach I don't have to do it.

But like a little bit, some of the positions

when you have to lay on the floor, kill.

It's hard, because I suppose

when they're real they like squish and go out to the side.

- Do blokes like it when you tell them that you do yoga?

- Yeah, I think blokes do,

because they sort of think oh, she does yoga,

that means she's flexible, like as if to say well,

does mean you are better in bed because you do yoga.

They're always like can you touch your toes

and like saying stupid things like that.

- Can you?

- Course I can.

- With your feet flat?

- Yeah.

- Can you get your legs behind your head?

- Yeah, I think so,

I dunno if I can do it in here, I might drown.

Actually, I might get my hair wet.

- She can do it.

- You try!

[laughing]

[upbeat music]

- Mate, that is [beep] hot.

- How do you feel?

- I feel dizzy.

[laughing]

- You sure about that cream, I am burning all over.

- You're burnt to a cinder!

- I am absolutely aching all over.

- You didn't even rub it all in properly,

look at the patches, you doughnut.

- I'm burning, I feel burnt all over.

- It's not burning,

it's just the blood coming to the surface, trust me.

- I look like I've gone on holiday

and I haven't put enough suntan lotion.

No seriously, I feel really dizzy as well.

- Is it stinging?

- You sure this is gonna go down?

I look like a tomato.

- It might go down, I think it will to be fair, yeah.

- How long?

- An hour.

- Alright. - Trust me, you'll be fine.

- I think it's so weird

that we've both got Chihuahua called Elvis.

- I know, what's the chances of that,

both having dogs with the same name.

I think it's quite a strange name Elvis, for a dog.

He is so cute, what do you think of him?

- Do you think he's is ugly, Maria?

- That's really out of order.

He's not ugly, he's like he's just special.

He's special.

- He's unusual.

It's like he is that ugly that he is kinda cute.

Can his eyes pop out?

- I don't know.

- Like actually come out, and hang out.

I think they can.

- He is not like a boggle fish.

But it has become a bit of like an accessory in Essex,

it's like oh, you've got to have this bag,

it's like everybody's gotta have a Chihuahua.

- Do you dress yours up?

Do you?

- Yeah, he's got so many clothes.

- Do you know what I've decided?

Elvis is like my new boyfriend,

- Dogs are more reliable than men really, aren't they?

- Yeah, much more reliable.

He likes petting, but they're a bit like men

as in where they just leave their mess wherever they want.

Always tired, always hungry.

- Always humping things as well.

- Always humping anything, any cushion,

any pillow, just like a typical boyfriend.

- There must be different guys around here though.

- Where Maria?

Please find them, because we've been looking

for the last year and we haven't found any yet.

Elvis is the only man I need in my life, aren't you Elvis?

Aww, see he loves me,

come on.

Oh, he is weeing!

Elvis!

- Oh, it's bright yellow!

- Oh my god!

- Come on babe.

- What's been going on then?

- Basically, Joey, at the moment I am going though a bit

of an image crisis, I feel a bit insecure,

I don't feel confident with what I look like

and the way I dress.

You know Lydia, always says

to me I love the way Joey dresses, so I was thinking,

you know, with that in mind I could do

with a bit of your advice, a bit of your help.

- I'm gonna to try and dress you up a little bit now, yeah.

You try on some of my clothes, trust me,

we'll see how it looks.

- I'm coming today to get some sort

of advice and some tips

but I don't know if I quite wanna wear the stuff you wear.

See, it looks good on you.

- You've got to try it on and see how it looks.

You try on a pair of my shorts and I'll try on your jeans.

See how we both look.

'Cause you wear more baggy stuff than me, don't you?

And I can't get with the baggy look.

I'm always like my willy is always hurting

with all my tight stuff.

Seriously I've gotta loosen up things,

I've been trying to go shopping recently,

trying to buy baggier stuff,

but my stuff is always skin tight.

- I don't know if I'll ever be reem,

I don't know if I've got it in me.

- Yeah you are, you already are reem, you are.

- I am reem in my own way.

But I wanna know that I am reem

as in everyone thinks I am reem.

- Basically, you want more confidence.

- Exactly, yeah.

- Right, I'm gonna go get some stuff from upstairs,

bring it down and see how you look, yeah?

Ahh, these stairs, it's too small up here.

- Bloody hell, how do you even fit up there mate?

You can't even stand up. - You wouldn't fit up here.

- I certainly wouldn't fit up there.

Do you ever get a stiff neck

when you are constantly like that.

- Yeah, sometimes like I've banged my head a few times

as well, there's a few cracks in the ceiling,

like there, there.

- And what about if you wanna take a bird up there,

what do they think?

- Well, I don't, I just tell them to sleep on the sofa,

I don't even show them up here, it's embarrassing.

- It's good exercise though, you're constantly squatting.

- Yeah, proper, [murmurs], fucking hell.

[laughing]

- I'm sorry.

- All right so I've got some stuff, yeah?

- What we got here?

These will fit you,

'cause I actually got these too big for me by accident

- If I was gonna get in to anything,

it'll probably be these because they can stretch.

- That's what I'm saying, but then again,

like, you're saying they're stretchy,

and these stretch as well.

- Bloody hell, Joe, they are like hot pants.

They wouldn't even cover all my private bits.

- Yeah, sometimes you can fall out,

but you just wear boxers.

This is looking different, innit?

Like your stuff, I might try jeans on,

I might go buy a pair now.

- You know what?

You're right, don't knock anything until you've tried it.

- Do you know what I mean?

- Lovely place, Gem.

- Loving the pad,

bet we're not the first blokes you've shown around

to be fair.

- Shut up.

You can come here anytime if you want.

I'll cook you alls a nice bit of dinner and that.

- And Gemma is such a good cook.

- Can we come round for a roast then?

- Yeah, course you can.

You'll definitely fall in love with me though,

why are you flirting with me today?

You been like really flirty,

you're looking at me like, alright?

- I'm not.

- This house has got, like a really nice smell,

spicy, can you smell it?

It's like warm and spicy, just like you Gem.

- Oh, do you think I'm nice and spicy?

- Now George is cracking onto you.

- Can't help it.

- Keep it in boys

- What you been up to, you two?

- We've just been reading a theory book for my driving test.

- How's it going? Do you know your lefts from your rights?

- No.

- No.

- You're fucked, aren't ya?

- He's getting there.

He's getting there. - I am getting there though.

- Well, I suppose your saving grace

if you do have a crash you've got a nice couple

of airbags there haven't you?

So you should be alright,

so can you take each one.

Yeah, plenty to go around.

- They are big. Harry loves my boobs, don't you Harry?

- I love it, I touch Gemma's boobs all the time

- We can't get away with that,

we'll get a slap, wouldn't we?

- You won't, he will.

Seeing as you feel so welcome in my house,

go on put the kettle on. - So fucking bossy, ain't she.

- Let's go.

- Two sweeteners, please. - Alright, it takes two of us.

- three sweeteners

- And bring the biscuits.

- Whoa, fucking hell.

- Are you having a laugh?

- Ahh, I don't know about this, Joe.

- I reckon you look reem.

- Mate, they're fucking so tight.

But the T-shirt ain't that bad, and the Ugg boots fit,

but these shorts, I mean Joe, I don't think this is safe.

I think you wear your shorts too tight.

- Yeah I know, but that's because that looks good.

- I know it might look alright,

but I mean for safety reasons,

you wanna have kids when you're older,

I mean I feel that my balls and my penis

has literally been shoved back in to my tummy,

that's how tight it is. Well they actually have done.

I can't feel it, it's quite dangerous.

I mean we need sperm to sort of, you know, have babies.

- Apparently, it can kill it.

- Exactly, you are wearing your shorts so tight,

it might look good for fashion and stuff like that,

but it could be stopping you from having kids.

- I'm as safe as you can get in these

because these are ridiculous.

[laughing]

- Joey, you ain't got not problem

with your sperm in them, have ya?

- That's what I'm saying, in these mate, I'm fucking--

- How far do they pull out?

That's fucking bullshit.

- Look, look at that, I feel like Father Christmas.

- You feel like Father Christmas.

They're going down.

[laughing]

Do you reckon you could fit your whole body in one

of the legs?

- Yeah.

- Go on then.

Lie down and do it.

- They obviously don't fit me properly, do they.

- Oh, please don't say,

oh my god, he's got his whole body in one leg.

- I feel like a fucking mermaid mate. [laughing]

- I love make-up though,

I think it was like the best thing

that was ever invented in the whole wide world.

- I just think whoever thought

of that is really educational.

- Yeah, and not only that,

whoever invented it I would just wanna, what are you doing?

- You were always going on about how short I was.

Am I tall enough for you now?

- If you was that tall, I swear to you--

- What the hell?

- I would be so in love with you, look how lovely you look.

- Do I?

I've been, basically I've doubled up on the protein shakes,

I've been working out a bit more,

put on a bit of height.

I've got a massive dick between my legs right now.

- I'm in love.

- Pulled!

- I'm in love with you like that,

why can't you be like that all the time.

Honestly, you look shit hot like that,

if you was that tall, I swear you would be my boyfriend.

- Yeah.

Two for the price of one.

- What's happening?

- I was telling daddy about the party

when I left the other night,

Chloe's, that Sam and Lauren was having a row.

- Why are you with Sam and Lauren and

whoever in the same place?

- Well, this is the point,

- It's an antagonising situation, you know.

- Lauren's telling everyone I'm over Mark,

he's the one chasing me, which obviously I wasn't.

I did believe she was over me.

That's why I was trying to move on and, you know,

I've started spending a bit of time with Sam,

which I'm have been enjoying, but it's now come

to my attention that it's upsetting Lauren

and I never knew It was gonna.

So I went over to Lauren before I went just

to apologise to her and she kicked off.

- Unfortunately, if you are in the same place

at the same time she's never gonna move on.

No matter who you're with, whether it's Sam

or somebody else, it'll get involved in that situation.

- I just think you need to keep away from everybody,

just for a little while, just so that she can move on then,

and then hopefully one day be friends.

- Well, I am debating going way for a bit,

you know, it's something I've wanted to do for a long time.

- When you say going away, where are you going?

- I dunno yet, I just think I'm,

you know, gonna get out the circle for a bit.

- How long for?

- I don't really know how long for,

but just I don't want to contact anyone,

just leave my phone off, get away from them girls.

It's more to be fair to Lauren, because I just want

to go away and just leave her to be,

you know, and just give her a chance to move on

with someone, because I'm sure she will.

- I think it'll do you good to get away,

and just like take a deep breath and think

about what you want in life.

- I'll miss you guys like you wouldn't believe,

I'll miss Arg and I will probably still carry on seeing Sam.

But it's just not gonna be at the group parties

or in front of Lauren, you know, I'll do it in my own time.

- You need to buckle down now and do what you've gotta do.

You can't keep having all this aggravation

with girls or whatever.

At the end of the day--

- Can't help it though, can I?

- You can't help it, but at the end of the day--

- Mark Wright's like a magnet.

See you later on.

- See you later, bye

- Yeah, I thought that, but it all changed.

See you later.

Give it a week or two and it will

be the same scenario again.

- No, I think he's serious this time.

- Yeah, I'd like a pound for every time he's said that.

[upbeat music]

- Girls, I'm really, really nervous about tonight.

- He hasn't, Like it's not like we're boyfriend

and girlfriend and he's cheated on me, it's not like that.

Cause that's what happened,

we've been spending a lot of time together and he showed,

done really nice things like skiing

and cooking lessons and all nice things,

do you know what I mean?

Flowers but like I just don't think for me it's enough,

I just feel like I'm always looking over my shoulder

and I just feel like,

would he cheat on me and that's what I always think.

I think the main thing in a relationship is trust.

- Definitely, without trust there's no relationship.

I wish I could say I could.

- Yeah the thing is as well,

with Lauren being there

all the time it's gonna make his life hell.

- And as a easy option, I do not want Mark Wright

to cheat on me of all people, do you know what I mean?

'cause I've had a friendship with, I don't wanna ruin that.

- And you would hate for everyone

to turn around including Lauren you know,

to say ha, he done it to me and now he's done it to you,

that sort of thing and I just,

if you're not 100% then don't put yourself for it.

- You alright, Mario?

- You alright?

- You okay?

- I've been better.

- Yeah, I heard obviously you and Lucy broke up.

- I think everyone in Essex has heard, haven't they?

- That's Essex of you, everyone gossips, don't they?

How you coping? - Quite shit to be honest.

- It gets easier, each day it goes on.

- Really?

- Yeah. It must be really hard for you

because you feel like you obviously loved her and stuff,

and to hear that she's cheated on you, it's not nice.

You stood by her and stuff, and you believed her and then.

- I think that's the thing that hurts the most,

is the fact that everybody else was sort of saying to me,

Mario mate, seriously, you need to wake up,

but I still trusted her because of love,

and it fucked me over completely.

- Same as me.

- Exactly, I don't know what to do with myself.

I haven't worked all week, been shopping,

eaten shit which I never do.

I haven't been to the gym, all the sort of stuff

that I normally do, the pattern I normally do is broken,

and literally I don't know what to do with myself.

I was not gonna come tonight at all.

- Well you've come, and just enjoy it,

don't let it get to you, You've got obviously me,

Lauren, we all think you're lovely,

- The thing is I know I will get loads

of stick for the whole Lucy thing

and people calling me a mug.

That really fucks me off,

because through being a good boyfriend and standing by her,

I am now deemed a prick.

- Yeah, but you're not, no one thinks that at all.

- That's what will happen though.

- No, it won't, no way.

Everyone thinks you're the nice guy,

you're the innocent one, you're the victim in this.

So don't ever think like that because no one thinks that.

- I hope so.

If anything I feel like pfft.

- Well, don't, you've not nothing to lose.

You're good looking, you're a nice guy,

a good job, nice family, you know, you've got a lot.

There's not many guys like you around,

you just need to be happy and just don't worry about it,

because you're gonna have loads of girls now after you.

- Hope so.

- You will.

- Ah well, we'll see.

[upbeat music]

- I'm glad you've come round here tonight,

because I wanted to talk to you before we go

because, you know, there are some things

I wanna change in my life at the moment,

and I think you are the person I wanna talk to about it,

you know, most.

I'm at this stage in my life now

where the whole situation

with the way my love life's been in the last year

to 18 months, it's just, it's almost ridiculous.

Lauren's getting upset, Sam and Lauren are arguing,

and it's all just getting too much now

and I just think I need a change.

And um-- - So what do you mean?

What are you saying?

- Well basically, I'm just going

to go away for a bit and gonna get out the circle,

and I'm just gonna go and do my own thing just

to clear my head.

I just feel like Essex is the wrong place for me right now.

- You know, I had a feeling that something wasn't right,

and obviously I don't want you to go,

but I can't be selfish, do you know what I mean?

I can't hold you back.

You know, even though I'd love to join you or whatever,

I know it's something you've got to do by yourself.

- You know when it comes down to me and you,

I want to you know that...

- So where does that leave us then?

- Arg, I'm not going nowhere with you mate you know that,

you're my bestest friend in the whole world.

And you're gonna be in my heart forever.

And I promise ya, I'm not gonna leave ya.

But that's what's so hard because I know I've gotta go.

I know it's time for me to just,

I've gotta walk away from everything now Arg.

I've gotta move on and grow up.

- I just can't imagine doing anything without you,

to be honest.

- You're not gonna do nothing without me,

I'm going away for a bit and I'll be back.

- You know what? I don't blame you and I understand,

I think you're doing the right thing and you know,

we are all growing up now, aren't we?

We're not like, you know, eighteen, nineteen anymore,

we've got to think about sort of

what we want to do with the rest of our lives.

- That's what I mean.

- Settling down and stuff.

- We've gonna move on

from laying in bed at night and lighting each others farts.

Give me a cuddle.

Promise you alright, I ain't going nowhere.

I'll make you reach the stars.

- Oh mine's so shit, this is the shittest firework ever.

- Watch this, R-E-E-M, reem

- The 5th of November, this man died in a fire.

- No, I think apparently

he blew up the House of Parliament.

- Shut up.

Oh well, basically, every year since he done that then,

they make a dummy and then they put him on the middle

of the bonfire and everyone claps.

- Really?

- How pointless.

- Pointless United.

- Pointless Parliament.

[upbeat music]

- I'm really worried about you at the moment, Mario.

- Why?

- Well, it's your eyes, your eyes are dead.

I know all this Lucy scenario, Mario,

feels like it's the end of the world for you at the moment,

but listen to me,

it's really not the end of the world.

My motto in life Mario, listen to me,

is nothing in life is forever.

And if you didn't have the lows in your life

like you're feeling now,

you wouldn't know you was happy, would you?

- Yeah, true.

- Life's a rollercoaster like that, isn't it Lydia?

- Understandable.

- I do miss her though, I miss, like literally when I go

to bed and stuff at night I miss her,

I miss being in my single bed

with her literally pushing me off it and stuff,

I miss all that sort of stuff.

I miss her snoring at night, I miss all that sort of stuff.

All of those things that used to bug me,

I now miss, even though it's only been a few days,

but I am proper upset, proper cut up.

- I know how much Lucy is hurting.

And I know that if she could take back that minute,

that day, she would.

And I know how much loves you,

she absolutely thinks the world of you.

Like I've had her crying down the phone

to me saying that she doesn't wanna live anymore if it isn't

for you.

And I think whatever you do, just do what ever you wanna do.

- It's all very raw at the moment, isn't it?

It's really raw.

And the thing is when feelings are that raw,

it's best just to leave it.

You've both gotta get through this together and

what will be, will be.

If you are meant to be together you will be together,

if you're not, you won't.

Okay, but don't listen to other people,

what have you got to listen to Mario?

- My heart.

- Your heart.

- She's giving you lessons now.

- But at the same time,

it's whether I can forgive and forget.

[upbeat music]

- Why is Lucy on the stage?

Why is Lucy on the stage?

- I am really, really sorry for stopping the music,

I just have a few things things I want to say.

I'm absolutely petrified of public speaking

so please bare with me.

There's a few things I've got to get off my chest tonight.

As everyone has taken such an interest

in my personal life lately,

I thought I'd get up here and put you all straight

and hopefully end all the gossip.

I made a mistake, the biggest mistake of my life.

I put my hands up, I admit it, I regret it,

it's the worst thing I've ever done.

I was selfish, I didn't wanna hurt or lose you Mario

and I've stupidly now done both.

You did nothing but stand by me, you was loyal,

you believed me, and I am sorry I've lied

to you and everyone here.

I don't know if you will ever find it in your heart

to forgive me.

I can only hope you feel the same

as me and wanna start putting us back together.

I love you so much Mario and I am so, so sorry.

I will do anything to get you back.

[applause]

- That was horrible.

- You know it happened and it's

because she loved Mark deep down,

but she loves you now, right.

I think you deserve each other, definitely.

- And that was really brave.

Really brave.

I think you deserve each other.

- And we all make mistakes.

- That's literally my worst nightmare.

Literally.

I thought what's the worst thing I can do,

and the most I can prove to you that you mean,

do you know what I mean?

- You could have done it naked, [murmurs].

- But I thought that was the worst.

You know how much a hate public speaking

and I knew you'd know how much it'd take me to do that.

- You know I still love you.

Obviously it's gonna take a lot for me

to forgive and forget and also to trust you again.

Do you know what I mean?

- Did you know that the Moon

and the Sun is two different planets.

- Yeah, the Moon and the Sun.

- Yeah.

Yeah because the--

- I used to think it was the same thing,

but you just turn it round,

because you know like it's night time here

and like Australia it'd be daytime,

I used to think that it just moved.

- That's what I also think.

- But it's actually two different things,

because they can be in the sky at the same time.

- Our Earth spins in a circle, like that.

- Shall we go and get a drink

because this conversation is well boring me out.

- How you doing?

- I am good, you?

- Yeah good.

I just want to talk to you basically

because I just want you to know a few things.

Every time we argue it gets me down,

because I can't see you hurt any more,

and I don't know how you'll take this,

but I'm telling you this

because I want you to know for the future.

I love you, but I don't love you like that any more.

- Like I love you, but I don't like you.

Obviously it hurts me, it breaks my heart

to see you with another girl, it breaks my heart,

but I will never go back with you ever again.

We both know now it's over,

I think we both agree on that.

Yeah?

Then say goodbye nicely.

- Right.

- You mean the world to me and I hope

that in the future we can see each other and be friends,

okay?

- I love you loads.

- Right, love you.

- You know what Lydia?

it's really really nice just for you and me

to have a bit of alone time,

we haven't had that in ages have we?

- No.

- You are looking amazing at the moment, and I think,

you know, with the shop it's been a huge success.

You know, you're going up and up and up,

and for me personally I've been feeling a little bit

insecure recently.

You know, I've lost a bit of confidence and I dunno,

I just love you, don't I?

I just wanna make you happy, sort of thing.

- Yeah, but I don't care anyway like,

I don't care if you're big, you know I don't.

When I first met you, you were bigger,

and I know you think ah I'm fat

and I've got a gap in my teeth,

but the reason I love you so much is

because you are dopey old Arg,

you don't care and you eat loads and fart loads

and you always look like you've dressed yourself

in the dark.

But I think that's why I love you,

because you just like don't take anything too seriously.

- You sure you wouldn't prefer a skinny--

- No!

- Smaller nose?

- No.

- Perfect teeth and ears?

- No, I really, really wouldn't.

And I love you for who you are.

- Do you reckon you will always love me?

- Of course I will.

So don't change,

don't think you've gotta change yourself for me.

Okay? - I love you so much.

- I love you too. - Can I have a kiss?

- Yeah.

- Hi Beautiful.

- Hello.

- You alright?

- Yeah, good.

You?

- You look beautiful tonight.

- Thank you.

- You actually do.

- I've been like giving this a lot of thought

about what I want in life and where I want to go,

and I just feel I've just been going round in circles

and at the moment I'm thinking

that you're the person I wanna be with and you know,

try and make things happen.

And to spend Christmas with you and

to be with you and hopefully go into the New Year and

be a proper couple.

- I can't be with someone that's gonna

have the somebody like what happened like the other night,

haunting me, I can't do it.

I've got too much pride for that.

Like in a relationship I look for someone that respects me,

I completely trust,

and someone that gives me attention,

you don't do any of them.

- Have I ever let you down? - I'm so sorry.

No, you haven't

- So if I've never let you down

why don't you give me a chance?

- 'Cause, I just think you've got too much going

on in your life to have a girlfriend.

I just think if you turned round and told me

that you wanted to settle down, I don't think you would.

I think it would last two minutes.

I told you I loved you, yeah?

From my heart because I think I did.

I did say that because I genuinely meant it,

but now I just don't know if it's the same love.

- Alright, that's fair enough.

- Like you're my friend, like I can get on with you,

we can talk about anything,

you tell me everything, but I cannot trust you.

- I like you and that's all there is to it,

and you know that, and I care for you,

I feel for you, I think you are beautiful,

I think we've have a great bond between us.

The way I feel about you I want it

to go into something more.

And I need you to tell me now if you don't want that,

because the way you're talking it seems like you don't.

Just tell me right now and if you don't want it,

then you don't want it.

- I don't want it.

[gentle upbeat music]

- [Narrator] Next time on

'The Only Way is Essex' it's Christmas.

- Look at that, I look like father Christmas.

- [Narrator] Will it be a case

of hit or mistletoe for Lucy and Mario?

- You know I still love you.

Obviously it's gonna take a lot

for me to forgive and forget.

- [Narrator] Will Jess and Joey

be pulling each others crackers?

And Will Elvis be leaving

another little present on the carpet?

- Elvis!

Oh it's bright yellow.

- [Narrator] Who knows?

these people are real

and anything can happen on The Only Way Is Essex.