Original subtitles

and the mother of all cat fights.

The tans you see might be fake but the people are all real,

although some of what they do has been set up

purely for your entertainment.

Previously on The Only Way Is Essex.

- [Gemma] Was he definitely with Lucy though

when you slept with her?

- Oh yeah, it was probably like a month ago.

- So why did she sleep with you if she was with him?

- 'Cause I'm the ride star. [laughing]

- I'm thinking maybe you shouldn't be with me.

- Knew that was coming.

- I didn't sleep with Gemma.

But she sort of confessed her undying love for me.

- I just feel absolutely devastated.

[upbeat music]

[calm music]

- Aww, oh my god.

- How nice is this dress?

- Oh my god, it looks so nice.

- Look how big it is.

I'd be happy everyday if I have this dress.

- I love it.

- It is out of this world, but I can't,

I've gotta save this for my wedding day, haven't I?

I can't, I can't rock up to my birthday party

like this, can I?

I can't. - Or can ya?

- I think like I need to just wait

until someone actually wants to marry me.

And then get an amazing dress like this.

- Wait until you've got that ring on your finger.

- Yeah.

- Arg, have you thought about a trailer?

'Cause you must have a trailer for a show.

- Trailer, you mean jingle,

yeah? - Yeah, like a jingle.

Tony, what do you think?

Can you do something? - Yeah, I think we'll

all chip in at the end of the day.

- All right, so remember James Arg Argent.

- All I've got at the moment is

That's all I've done.

- Right, James Arg Argent Radio Show.

- Right, yeah.

But you can't make it too long,

do you know what I mean?

If it's the James Argent Show,

that's what it is. - No, I want it to be

James Arg Argent.

- How about the James Arg,

the James Arg Argent,

The James, um The James Arg Argent,

The James Arg Argent Show.

[laughing]

- That's what we started with.

- What I'm saying was,

was doubling it up because of the timing.

- What, the James Arg Argent,

James Arg Argent Show.

Yes!

That's the one!

[laughing]

[upbeat electronic music]

- They're looking good though.

- Are they tapered enough?

- Yeah.

They look good, man, they're perfect.

- Tight enough?

- Yeah, cool man.

I wear everything tight, don't I?

- Yeah, exactly, Jesus Christ.

So why is Chloe doing like a wedding for like her 30th?

- 'Cause she ain't married yet.

I think she just wants to,

she wants to do like a wedding theme party

'cause she thought she'd be be married by 30 I suppose.

- Yeah. - I think I'm gonna

go as a prince, Prince Charming.

She's going as the bride I suppose.

Is it a bride? - Bride, yeah.

- I'm a bit nervous though,

I gotta do me speech, ain't I?

- Have ya? - Weird though, innit?

'Cause it's like them speeches where

you've got to stand in front of everyone,

everyone's going to be looking at me.

I'm just going to be like.

- Have you written it yet? - No.

Mick's gonna help me write it.

- Is he? - Yeah.

I think so. - That will be hilarious.

- I'm scared.

Watch my lashes.

- Yeah, I know I'll walk you through.

- Oh my God, Cara.

- This is your birthday gift.

Right, you ready?

- Yeah. - Come on then.

- I don't know if I trust you, Cara.

I'm a bit excited and I don't like surprises.

- Stop peeking.

- I'm not peeking.

- Ready? - Yeah.

- Surprise!

- Oh, hello!

Who are you?

- I'm Jason, your butler.

- Hello Jason, how are you?

- Very well and yourself?

- Thank you.

Have you got anything on under there?

- Not a thing. - Whoo!

[laughing]

- Jason, pop the pole, po--

[laughing]

- Champagne?

- Yes, love some champagne. - Yes, please.

- Jason, fill me up.

So are you looking forward to Chloe's birthday as well?

- Yeah, really looking forward to it.

It's her 30th. - Yeah.

- It's a wedding theme. - Is there no groom then?

Is it just a bride. - Um, Joey's the

groom I think.

- Joey's the groom? - Joey's the groom.

- Not being funny though,

I cannot stop looking at his ass.

[slapping]

Luce, you seem a bit quiet today.

- I'm not myself today.

- Why?

- What's wrong? - Just relationship stuff.

- You can talk to us. - I can't,

I don't really want to talk about it today.

No, it's your birthday don't worry about me,

my problems.

- We'll talk about it tomorrow.

- Well we're here for you if you want to talk about it.

- Thanks, girls.

- I saw Mark last night and uh--

- He keeps going on about this whole Lucy thing still,

like and all this rubbish about apparently

Jess got a text and stuff.

He just needs to get fucking over it.

I don't understand, it doesn't really affect him,

but yet he's still going on about it all the time.

Where it's me and Lucy in this relationship,

he's now, whatever you know,

apparently seeing Sam or whatever.

So why's he still going on about it

and not getting over it is beyond me.

- What about if you find out it was true,

what would you do?

- If it's 100% true I'd get rid of her wouldn't I?

- Yeah, would it hurt ya?

- Of course it would mate,

I mean we spend most days, we spend most days together.

You know what it's like with you and Sam, you know

you spend a lot of time together.

I think if it was to come out that it was true

then I've sort of already like mentally

and emotionally prepared myself for it.

- Yeah, of course. - And if she's been

stupid enough to do something like that then,

you know I'm better off without her anyway, aren't I.

- Yeah, but have you seen the text?

- No, I haven't seen it the text.

- Why don't you ask her to see it?

- Yeah, I think I might to her to.

- I don't know the truth, you don't know the truth.

The only way you're gonna find out is by seeing

that text message and---

- Yeah exactly.

- She don't like you.

- Will you have, will you have Wrightly?

- No thank you.

- Why is it you don't like Wrightly now?

What's the matter with him?

- I like it, but I'm not having him.

Because I know what it'll lead to.

- [Mark] You keeping him?

- I'll have it for a week and then it goes on

on, on, on, on, on, on, on, on until it's

about 13 years old.

That's if I live that long.

- I'm lucky I've even got him back.

'Cause that's the one thing I missed

when I split up with Lauren, this little fella.

- Oh, right. - Why?

You can't make love to him. - You didn't miss her?

- Yeah I missed her a little bit,

but I'm moving on from Lauren.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

I keep saying, "So look Lauren,

"I would never forget what happened

"between me and you but we're both moving on now."

- You should've said, "Oh get a life, Lauren."

For God's sake.

Well, if that's true.

- But today I got to take Arg up,

I'm gonna give this kid a complete make over.

What he wants.

He's talking about his teeth

and you know end up looking like that.

He don't need new teeth, do you know what I mean?

That's super large, big set of teeth.

- No.

- Hello ladies and gentlemen,

it's your boy James Arg Argent

and now we're moving on to the agony on Arg section,

where I'm gonna listen to some of your problems

and see if I can help you out as best as possible.

Right, a letter we've got, received here.

"My last boyfriend told me

"I was the hairiest woman he'd ever met.

"I'm now too embarrassed to date.

"What should I do?"

All in all it's not all, you know

it's not all to worry about.

You know, I think it's German women or German men,

or people that are Dutch from the Netherlands

they're into all the hairy shit.

Um, moving on.

"I've recently divorced from my wife

"and I started fancying men.

"Does this mean I'm gay?"

Hmm.

You might be bisexual because you've been with women before

and now you're starting to fancy men,

so you could swing both ways.

[upbeat music]

- She's not over him no matter what she says,

she's not. - I do have doubts

that if I trust him and like the whole Lauren thing

still like hanging about and that,

but it's like it's hard 'cause I do really like him.

I'd like to say that we could make it work,

but then I can't predict the future.

If you've got a 100% trust

and 100% full attention of someone,

that's what makes it work and it's not 100% full attention.

- The thing is, is well you want to make it very clear

to Mark that you don't want to be the rebound.

You like him enough to be handling the ex-girlfriend,

there every time you're sneaking off to have a kiss.

- I feel like I'm about five.

- That's what it's like, it's like

you know, playground.

But.

That is gonna be Mark Wright's life unfortunately.

- God.

- So.

- Fun, fun, fun.

- You look really sad.

What's going on?

- I am really sad, really upset at the minute.

Just drained of it all. - Why?

- I know Mark's a complete dog.

I just think he's got no morals in life,

got no respect for me and I'm just so upset.

- The way Mark is behaving,

like all the getting engaged and all of that,

I don't think he gives a fuck.

- No.

And for her, why would she want to jump

in my grave straight away.

Why does she want to be my, you know sloppy seconds?

Do you know what I mean?

- Are you gonna say anything to Sam?

- There's a lot I could say to Sam,

but I also think she's a young girl

and I just feel like get on with it.

If you really want to do that to yourself

and do it to another girl, get on with it.

I really do. - Why don't ya have

a conversation with Sam and Mark

and just say look, keep it out of my face.

- Do you know why,

'cause I'm so sick to death of talking about

my fucking relationship, Mark, Sam, and all that bullocks.

At this moment in time and how I feel today,

I don't want to see her,

I don't want to see him.

I wanna forget him and I want him out of my life.

- Welcome everybody.

Thank you for turning up,

it means a lot to me.

I can't read my writing.

- What is that?

- My speech.

- Oh, that is the speech is it?

- Yeah. - Cool.

- I don't know what to write.

- What you doing?

- Helps me think. - Does it?

- Yeah. - Jesus, mate.

You carry that around with ya?

- When I write stuff. - Yeah?

- Or like when I'm stressed out.

- Fucking hell.

You're something else, Joey.

- Oh my God, I just got it.

There you go, thank you.

It's um,

you are

the queen

of reem.

- You saw that in a bubble?

- I saw that in a bubble.

This is hard, innit?

I don't really know what to say.

- You have to keep it short and sweet.

But just say the right things, I think.

So just talk about how she looked after ya

when you was growing up,

'cause she obviously did look after ya,

didn't she? - Yeah, yeah,

she looked after me, yeah.

I'll be all right on the day, won't I?

- Yeah, you will, yeah.

It will flow Joe, you're a natural mate.

- You look so beautiful,

you take my breath away.

And I'm so proud to know you.

You're kind, you're funny, and you make everyone laugh.

You really are the queen of reem.

What are you saying?

- What do you reckon?

I don't know if I want white or black.

- Why is it always a Dickie bow?

Listen you've come out 'cause you want to start

looking different and getting a new little style

and you're buying a Dickie bow.

You live in Dickie bows, you sleep in them,

and you eat in them.

- I haven't wore a white one in ages.

- If you wanna come and look at them,

that's fine, that's up to you.

But you're the one telling me that you want to change.

- No, I do want to change, you're right.

I wanna, you know,

I wanna change my appearance.

- Arg is Arg,

big cuddly teddy bear.

That's who you're meant to be.

- Yeah, but I don't. - You ain't gonna

be Mr. Essex.

You're gonna try, it ain't going to happen.

Come on.

[phone ringing]

- Hi, Luce.

- Hi, Lyd you all right?

- Yeah, you okay?

- I'm okay,

are you around to meet up quickly?

- Aww, Luce I'm so busy today.

I'm so sorry, I've just got to do all my accounting stuff

ready for tomorrow for the shop,

I'm so sorry.

- I just wanted to have a chat with you

because basically earlier I spoke to Mario and um,

he's been having a chat with Joey

about the whole Jess thing and that there's like,

Jess has shown people like text messages on her phone

that apparently I sent and.

And just,

like yeah, he's decided that he wants to go

and meet up with Jess.

- He wants to meet up with Jess?

- Yeah.

- Aw Luce, I so think that you

should meet up with him first.

Maybe if you speak to him before Jess gets her chance

to talk to him because then you can give your own

opinion and give like, your thoughts on it

and your side of the story.

- I just know that I need to go meet up with him.

Yeah, I think that's the right thing to do.

- Okay then.

Well, call me if you need me, okay?

- I will do.

- I love you lots.

Bye.

- You just look funny, you looking a bit different for once.

- What do you mean?

I'm trying to be different,

that's my whole point in my transformation.

It's still a bit of me 'cause its got a Dickie bow but--

- The hat.

The hat is like,

don't even fit your big head.

- Yeah, I know. - Lose that.

- I'm not too sure about-- - Undo this.

- Don't show too much chest 'cause I've got moles.

It's like I've spilled a bowl of Cocoa Puffs.

- Looks fine, you dullard.

Show a bit of chest.

You want to be Mr. Essex,

you gotta show a bit of your flesh.

Let the girls know you're sexy.

Arg is in the place.

Do you know what I'm trying to say?

That's it, that's decent.

Who would you say in a moment is looking decent?

- Do you know what,

the girls around here they're just lacking, mate.

I'm not thinking, I mean usually I'd be like,

you know I'm happy being with Lydia

but you know, still have a bit of a look

and you still sort of be like,

"Oh, she is fit, bloody hell."

and all that sort of stuff,

but at the moment I've got Lydia

and it's just not one bit of interest.

- You getting to that point of thinking we need to move on?

And move to a different area or bring them into Essex

and turn them into Essex girls?

It's like-- - I mean, what about you?

Is there any fit birds at the moment?

- Don't know, well there's Sam obviously.

She's gre, that's the perosn I'm seeing

that's the one I'm looking at.

- What about Lucy?

What's going on there?

- I don't care, Arg.

I slept with her a month ago, Mario knows it.

Whatever, I don't need to prove it.

I don't need them to split up,

I want them to be happy, you know what I mean?

- Do you reckon they seem happy?

'Cause at the Halloween party they didn't seem

as close and as tactile as what they usually are did they?

- Frank, I cannot believe I'm 30.

- Come on, you've got to be excited.

- Everyone's coming, we got the cake, we're gonna have

the carriage.

- Prince Charming.

- And Joey.

I wonder whether Joey is gonna actually do a speech.

- Of course he will.

- 'Cause if he does it would be so funny.

- So funny.

- And I just like,

I just hope that everyone has a good time

and they actually get it,

'cause they're probably like confused,

like being invited to a birthday party

which is a wedding theme.

- But they're probably thinking,

"Who's getting married?"

- Me!

To myself.

- You all right?

- Yeah.

I wanted to meet you today because,

'cause I've never been um,

completely honest about that night.

- Okay. - And I think you know that

a little bit.

- Yep.

So what happened that night then?

- Okay from start to finish.

So you flew to Ibiza in the morning,

me and the girls had that table booked in the club,

we all went there.

And then the manager came up to me

about half an hour into it and said,

"Just to let you know Mark just booked

a last minute table."

And he got there and I had a gut

instinct that I should leave.

But I thought it's my friend's birthday, I'll stay.

And anyway, carried on with the night.

Got more and more drunk.

And the last really bit I remember of the night

is leaving and going back to Jess and Mark,

had like a joint party.

And I honestly, I really, the rest is a fuzz.

I'm not gonna, I can't sit here and say that--

- Where did you wake up?

- At Mark's. - Okay.

Well then I think it's needless to say it's over.

- But like Mario, can you just--

- No, Lucy, Lucy, no.

- Can you just hear me out?

- No, you've had your say.

Right, you've lied for the past two months,

not just to me, to my sisters,

to my mom's face, to my whole family.

What sort of person does that make you?

- But Mario, I honestly think,

no can you just--

- No, not being funny, how can you say anything?

There's nothing you can say, okay.

I literally fucking was in Ibiza for 12 hours,

what sort of girl does that make you?

The week before that I had taken you out for your birthday,

I took you to fucking holiday in the summer,

I've done nothing but treat you really nicely,

even take you for nice meals.

You've always said you've not been part of a family,

I've let you be part of my family, everything.

I was even buying us a flat together

until you fucked it up with everything else.

And you've done this.

- Can you just let me speak for two minutes?

I know I don't deserve it, please.

I woke up dressed and I honestly still

to this day don't know what happened.

That moment made me realise how much I loved you

and how much I would never want to go--

- So it took you fucking someone else

to realise how much you love me?

- No, shut up, I do--

- You're so fucking stupid, seriously.

- I know I'm stupid.

It made me realise I've never had a boyfriend

as lovely as you and I just,

I took you for granted, I really did.

- I don't give a fuck, it's over seriously.

Your morals are way off.

I just think it says a lot about you as a person.

- Mario, all I can say is that I was really, really drunk.

- That's all right then.

- No, I was really, really drunk.

It was the biggest mistake of my life

and it just made me realise how much I loved you

and all I wanted was you.

You do deserve better than me, I agree.

- Yeah, and I will get better than you.

I've had enough of you just treating

me like shit all the time,

and you always put me down as well.

- I don't! - You do,

you always put me down.

You treat me like an absolute cunt to be fair.

- Right, well I love you to bits

and I'm sorry.

- Sorry doesn't cut it.

[cheering]

- Oh my God, look how many people.

I'm really excited.

Hello everyone!

Nanny Pat!

Hello!

All right, Bill?

Hello, hello!

- How are you?

- I'm all right. - Enjoying yourself?

- Yeah, I feel a bit awkwardly about this Arg thing.

- Aw, me too.

- How do you feel about it?

- Do you know what, I have like said to everyone

that I don't know if it's awkward between us,

but it's awkward for no reason.

I feel like maybe,

you think I've got a problem with you,

which I haven't at all.

- No, I know because you know at the end of the day

like I've just become close with Arg

because of the bootcamp-- - Yeah.

- I personally would never cross that line

because I'm not a dog and I don't believe that

any girl should cross that line at the end of the day.

But if there ever was a scenario,

maybe in five years time,

if you never was together then I might

go in for a cheeky little snog.

But it's just not gonna happen.

Do you know what I mean?

- The saddest thing for me is,

is that I'm not married.

I haven't got my prince.

No one wants to marry me.

- Listen, never say never.

You can meet your prince tonight.

- But Frank, I'm not even close to it.

I haven't got a boyfriend,

I haven't got a fiance,

I haven't even got anybody who wants to marry me.

I keep thinking in my head,

"Whoo yeah!" But then I think,

"Oh my God you're totally a loner."

I've been left on a shelf, and I'm 30.

Thirty! - Listen,

age is just a number like I've said before.

- I know, but from now on I'm gonna be an old bride.

And there's no way around it.

- An old bride? - I've hit middle age.

- No way. - So like,

from now it's downhill. - Seriously,

if we all be negative like that

then no one's ever gonna get bloody married, are they?

- Easy for you to say, 23 or 24, whatever you are.

If you get married before me,

when I come to your wedding you better throw the bouquet

straight at me. - Obviously.

- Are you having anything to eat, babe?

- Um, I don't know, I might do.

- It all looks filth to me.

- It's not filth.

It's just seafood.

- Yeah, but look at that.

That's got eyes on it.

- Yeah, babes they're prawns.

- Who eats food with eyes on it.

- I'm starving.

- Oh, trust you to be starving.

- Hello, hello Harry.

How are you doing? - Hi, Argy.

- Hi, Arg. - Good, good.

So you know all this um, wedding scenario and stuff tonight,

does that make you two feel that, you know

do you believe in gay marriage and stuff like that?

- I do. - I don't want to get married.

- You don't?

You don't want to get married?

- No. - What about you, Kurt?

- Yeah, I want to get married.

I want a proper wedding.

- Would you wear a dress or would you wear the suit?

- No, suit.

I'm not wearing a dress.

- Just asking a question.

- Just 'cause we're gay doesn't mean we wear

dresses on a wedding.

- No, but someone's gotta wear the dress,

someone's gotta wear the suit.

- No. - Oh,

so you can both wear the suit?

- Yeah. - Or both wear the dresses.

- No.

- Sorry, I didn't mean to make any offence,

I just, I don't know about these sort of things.

- That's all right, Argy.

- The only way I can relate with gay people

is that I'm a huge fan of Will Young.

[cheering]

- Whoo!

Um, first of all, I would like to welcome everyone

to Chloe's 30th birthday, which looks a bit like a wedding.

Um, it's quite a short speech,

but just a few things remind me of Chloe when I was little.

When I was a baby, she looked after me a lot

and she used to always make me Marmite on toast,

but I don't think she's actually realised that I've only

started liking it about two weeks ago,

because I fucking hated it.

She looked after me all my life really.

I'm getting nervous now for some reason.

And I can talk to Chloe about anything really,

about obviously girlfriends, looking reem,

you know everything like that.

And uh, yeah, just generally about girls and stuff.

But I want to make a toast,

so um, everyone here make a toast please.

To Chloe!

[cheering]

- Hello everyone.

As you can see, I'm dressed as a bride

because I'm not married and I'm pissed off

because I'm 30 and I've got no husband, rubbish.

But Joey has decided to stand in

for the Prince Charming today.

Thanks, Joe.

Anyway, thank you all for coming.

All have fun and enjoy my birthday.

Thank you.

- Five, four, three, two, one.

- If you get married before me,

I gonna cry my eyes out, I swear to God.

[upbeat dance music]

- Sorry for being late and that.

- It's all right.

- And obviously not dressed for the occasion.

- No, you look reem, man. - Yeah?

- What's been going on?

- Well, um, I met,

I met Lucy and she's told me more about the Mark thing.

- What'd you mean?

- She's now turned around to me and said that

she did stay around there,

but don't know what happened that night or anything.

Oh mate, she's completely have fucked me over.

- So what's happening?

Are you upset or?

- Yeah, I've ended it, mate.

- I feel for ya mate.

I don't know what to say, like.

- Everything, literally everything

about me I wanted to give to her,

didn't step a foot out of place,

and she's fucked me over.

Do you know what I mean?

If I-- - This is what happens,

when you're nice to girls like that

and this is what they do, mate.

- Exactly, and then girls wonder

why boys are sometimes assholes.

- You're in the same position as me, mate.

Like do you know what I mean?

I never been horrible to Sam

and she went bang, see ya later.

- Exactly. - It's just if

you're a nice boy and that's what people do mate.

And that's life.

- Oh, thanks Joe for being my Prince Charming.

- It's all right.

We'll find you love one day.

- It really feels like a wedding.

That was supposed to be me next year.

- Oh, shit yeah.

- Weird, innit?

- Yeah, but do you really think--

- You had a lucky escape.

- Finally I've, do you know what?

It really upsets me 'cause I feel like,

I look at him over there and I think you're with that girl.

I don't know you no more, what are you doing?

Do you know what, after what my family has done to me,

I'm a stronger person.

- Come here, listen, listen,

you're 24, 25 years old right?

Listen, look at Chloe.

She's 30 for fucks sake.

She ain't married, do you know what I mean?

- You had a good day, Nan?

- I've had a good day,

but I'm tired and I want to go home.

I'm dead beat.

- Nan, you know what, I'm tired

and I just feel awkward here and everything,

so I might take you home.

Are you gonna stay, Sam?

- Oh, always a good boy. - Yeah, I'm gonna stay.

Go on, you go.

- I just want to do something first,

so just wait here, all right?

- Right, okay.

- Why?

- Lauren, can I talk to you for a sec.

Um, look firstly I just want to apologise

for what you had to see the other night.

I wouldn't want to see that either,

if it was the other way round.

But Lauren, what I feel like I'm misunderstanding

is you're going around telling everyone how over

you are of me and I'm over him,

I don't like him no more, and you can't say that

and then expect to call me out of order

for trying to move on and kissing someone else.

Do you know what I'm saying?

- No.

- Why not?

- I think you're very, very, very disrespectful.

- Why?

- I'm at the same party as you.

- Yeah.

- We still talk. - Yeah.

- I slept with you a couple of weeks ago.

- A couple of weeks ago?

A month ago now, three weeks ago.

- Really? - Yeah, okay, listen right.

- How dare you.

- We don't need to argue in front of everyone.

- You cried a few months ago,

how much you wanted to marry me.

You cried a speech saying how much you loved me.

- A few months ago?

That was January, uh, March, Lauren.

- Oh so like that and it turns off does it?

It turns off. - It's been.

Lauren it's been nine months.

- I could bring a boy on the show like that,

out of respect. - Then do that.

Lauren you can do that.

- Out of respect I would never ever in a million years,

sit there, go in a bush and kiss a girl

that you've been with over and over.

- But Lauren, I'm trying to move on.

- Get over it. Move on then.

- Let me tell you one thing all right.

Who I choose to see and talk to

unfortunately hasn't got anything to do with you.

If I want to move on-- - Okay.

- With whoever I want to, I can.

Like you can.

It's not my um, choice who you can move on with.

- Okay. - Can I finish--

- If you got that much respect for your body

for a girl you loved for 10 fucking years,

what fucking type of girl would want to be with you?

- You don't need to shout.

- No, shut up. - There's people around.

- Shut your fucking mouth

and listen to what I've got to say.

Don't look at me, don't look at me up and down.

'Cause I'm rude to you.

When out of respect for your girlfriend,

your ex-fiance of 10 years.

- Why are you being so rude?

- Ten years, ten years, stop shacking about.

- How many times do I have to try reasoning with you?

- Get over yourself.

- I haven't slept with Sam yet.

Listen, I'm not here to argue, yeah.

- Well listen, I'm not here to argue.

I'm here to tell you I forgive you

and I want to forget you, now get out my life,

and never ever talk to me again.

- Listen. - Get on with it.

Go away, go away. - Why do you have

to be so unreasonable? - Go away from me.

- Why do you have to be so unreasonable?

- Go away from me.

Don't ever talk to me again.

Or ring me, good bye

- All right, you had your chance, see you later.

- Good bye, good luck.

- Guys, I'm going.

I can't stand this.

See ya later Sam.

- See ya later.

- Bye, Mark.

- He's a mug.

Desperate.

Been mugged off once and go back there twice.

- Lauren-- - See you later then.

Go again.

Go again.

Go on, beat around the block.

Go back for it again.

- Who's the one moving on now?

- Go through it again, good bye then.

- Who's the one moving on now?

- Good bye.

Good bye.

- If you can't move on don't say it.

- You go back to ones that want you,

I don't, go for it.

Stop ringing me.

You were engaged to me for a reason.

- All right, Lauren. - Cried to me for a reason.

Good bye.

And you know it's true.

Only mugs will have you back.

One of his mugs again that goes ahead

and goes with him because she's desperate.

She's desperate.

- Shut up Lauren, you're embarrassing yourself.

- Shut up, you fucking shut up.

- You shut up, Lauren. - Who do you think

you're talking to? - Calling me a mug?

- Who are you talking to?

- Who am I talking to?

I'm talking to you. - The girl who went I love you

do you wanna be with me, and he fucking mugged you off,

at my engagement, didn't want to be with you.

You're meant to be my friend.

- I'm your friend? - Yeah.

- You fucking wanker. - Oh my God.

- Fuck off.

- [Narrator] Next time on The Only Way is Essex.

Can Mario forgive Lucy for doing wrong with Mr. Wright?

- I know I'm stupid.

It made me realise I've never had a boyfriend

as lovely as you and I just,

I took you for granted, I really did.

- [Narrator] Does Lauren hit the mark

in Sam's new relationship?

- Why would she wanna jump in my grave straight away?

Why would she want to be my, you know, sloppy seconds?

- [Narrator] And will Arg ever open his mouth

without shoving his foot right in it?

- The only way I can relate with gay people

is that I'm a huge fan of Will Young.

- [Narrator] Who knows?

These people are real because anything can happen on

The Only Way is Essex.

- That's the one!