All language subtitles for The.Only.Way.Is.Essex.S03E11.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-SLAG_track4_[eng]

fake boobs and Arg's burger
nipples.

The tans you see might be fake,

but the people are all real,
although some

of what they do has been set up
purely

for your entertainment.

Previously on "The Only Way Is
Essex",

- I met someone.

- Oh, have ya?

- Possibly boyfriend material.

- Really?

- Do you wanna go out with 'im
again?

Yeah, you mean with Kirk?

Maybe.

- She's not my type.

- The only place for us is Boot
Camp.

I know it's such hard work,
but we've got fat again, Arg.

[upbeat electronic music]

[upbeat electronic music]

- [Joey] Hello.

- All right?

What are you doing drinking at
this time?

- We're not drinking,
we're doing wine tasting.

Collette's come over from.

- How are you Collette?
- Hello there, you alright?

- Obviously we've got
the hotel coming on now,

and we just need to expand our
wine list.

- Would you guys like a taste?

- [Joey] Yeah, I'll have a
taste.

- Yeah?
- Wouldn't mind.

- We'll start with this one.

It's an easy drinking wine if
you

want something nice and fruity.

[people laughing]

First of all, you look at the
wine, okay?

And then you've got nice legs

coming down on the glass.

- Why have I got legs coming
down?

- You've got legs coming down

'cause that shows the alcohol.

And how quickly that comes
down is how much alcohol

- How strong it is.
- Yeah, exactly.

See the legs on that one?
- The legs are beautiful.

- Yeah, they're gorgeous.

- Weird innit, wine?
- It is.

But interesting, so have a
little taste.

Now don't.
- Do you have to spit it out?

- I always swallow.

[people laughing]

- What do you do, spit or
swallow?

- I'm from Essex, I swallow.

[laughs]

- Cheers.

- What yous doing tonight, you
two?

- Nothing we are just being
Jirk.

- Just gonna be Jirk?

- I'm Kirk, the other half of
Jirk.

- I'm Joey, the other half of
Jirk.

- Do you fancy coming to the
Sugar Hut,

have a bit of a boys night out?

- Yeah.

- Yeah, only if we do it proper,

because I've not been out in a
while.

- Always proper, mate, the
champagne will be flowing.

- Champagne popping.

- Champagne popping.
- There's table wars

going on here.

- Yeah, I'm on for that.
- Yeah, I'm on it.

- Can we bring other people?

- Yeah have a chat with some of
the lads.

- Mario will come out.
- Yeah Mario.

It'll be nice to get to
know Mario a bit better.

- Right, cheers to a boys' night
out,

hopefully it is going to be
mental.

Cheers United.

Taste it.

- Look at Joey, he is taking the
air in.

- Oof, I don't believe it,

- Decent, weren't it?

- I just can't believe how
much I have let myself go.

- It's cute though, it's cuddly.

Lydia must like it.

- She must but, I dunno, I
just think I can improve.

I mean.
- Do one of them.

[Arg laughing]

- A year ago I was near
on three stone lighter.

- I think you look fine
the way you are, right,

but the one thing I would change
about ya,

which I know you can't change,

is your burger nipples.

You can't have them reduced, can
ya?

Unless you get someone else's
nipples and put them on.

- You're born with them, you
can't just.

- That's what I'm saying,

that's the only thing I
think you need to change.

[Arg laughing]

- Oh, thanks for the confidence,
Mark.

- I think you look absolutely
fine,

you've got to stop being
hard on yourself, Arg.

- Well, basically I've
gotta do something about it

you know Gemma, you know,
suggested

that I go back to boot camp.

- Yeah, when you gonna go?

- Well, I'm going later on,

but it's the last thing I wanna
do.

- I'm not happy if you
keep winging about it,

so it you're gonna keep winging
about it,

I want you to lose it,
so I'm coming with ya.

- Yeah?

- And I tell you what,
we'll bring Jess as well.

So it'll be four of us yeah
it'll be nice.

- Not bad idea, me and Gemma
could do

with all the support we can
get to be honest with ya.

- Why do you always touch your
tits?

- Because I am conscious.

- It's like, it's like you feel

like they are girl's tits.

You are always standing
there rubbing your tits.

Why?
- Self-conscious.

- To be fair they feel like a
nut,

like a proper woman.

No wonder Lydia likes them,

you could motorboat them.

[men laughing]

- I'm dreading going back to
boot camp.

But I'm happy in a way,

because I know that I'd
worked so hard at it before,

and then I've let it
all go down the drain.

So now I think why do I keep

putting myself through this
every time.

I'm just gonna go and get it
all done and over with now

and just really focus on it this
time.

- Who are you going with?

- Arg.

- Going with Arg.
- Arg.

- Yeah, because the thing
is we did the boot camp

in the summer together,
we both lost weight,

and then like three weeks down
the line

it all goes back on again.

- Some people, the way
they are and that's it.

Like he'll never be a skinny
guy,

because that's his.

- That's how he is, and I
think it's very attractive.

So what have you been up to
then?

- I've met this guy called Kurt.

- Harry!
- Oh, my god.

- Yeah, I was going to take
him out to a restaurant,

but I think, let's play it cool

and stay at home, and
cook him a nice meal.

- Me and Lauren are
gonna go down Sugar Hut.

- Are you?
- Yeah.

- I haven't been up there for
ages.

- Yeah, no, we haven't.

We want to go out and just,

because we're single and stuff,

wanna find some guys.

- How are you coping with
the whole Mark and Sam thing?

- It's weird, obviously, because
it's

still quite fresh to me in a
way.

It was a bit like whoa,

it's gone from being
friends to a bit of company

to now a date, and then
going to round the family.

- Yeah, I think when Carol said
to you,

"Oh, it's just friends."

I mean who does just friends?

- No.

Weird.

- Boys and girls ain't just
friends really, are they?

- [Harry] No.

- You know, I've got really
mixed opinions about the boys.

After we went out we obviously
had a really good day.

Apparently Kirk said that
I am not really his type.

But why wouldn't he say that to
my face?

Why go and then say that to
somebody else?

- Then maybe I think maybe you
should say something to him.

Have you messaged him?

- I messaged him the other day,

and he didn't reply.

I didn't really hear back from
him,

which I think is just rude.

To just reply back is not
gonna hurt him, is it?

I will not be mugged off by him.

- Maybe you should go round
there then

and say something to him.

- Do you wanna?
- I'll come with you.

- You need to speak to Joey
though.

- I know, that's true.

[upbeat rock music]

- But honestly, mate, this is so
fast,

it's going about nought to 60 in
four,

four-and-a-half seconds,
quick as a Ferrari.

- What are you seeing?

- Right, this is the clutch.

[alert dings]
If you wanna brake,

what you do is,

Who's 'at?

- Please don't be Cara.

- Why, is she texting you a lot?

- No, sort of, but I just
don't want it to be Cara.

Oh it's Chloe just
about paintin' the flat.

All right.

- Why don't you call her?

She'll keep texting you then.

- No, I thought I sorted this
all out.

It's like.
- Well, she's texting

- No, it's just, I'm not all
that into her, that's all.

You're not getting with Billi,

I don't really wanna get with
someone's,

y'know, best friends and
then you don't get any.

- Well, yeah, I don't.

See Billi, like, she's
funny, she's a nice girl,

but she ain't my type.

But I don't wanna stop
you if you like Cara.

- No, same thing as for me.

I think they're funny and that,

it's just I suppose I
don't really like 'em.

- Well, you score nil, was it?

- I think that Billi knows
that you don't like her.

I think Cara thinks I like her.

- I don't know what to say.

What do ya say, "All
right, I don't like ya"?

Or do you just leave it
and not say nothin' to her?

- I feel like, I don't
know, who you're gonna text

and just saying, "Hello,
I don't like you."

- Cheers United.

- What are you saying?

- To Sam and Billie, love you
both lots,

Wishing you better soon.

Love, Harry.

- All right, girls?

One for you.

- Ah!
- Thank you!

- And one for you.
- Thanks.

- Right, I'm going to Boot Camp
later,

but before I go, your wish is my
command.

And I'll be waiting on you hand
and foot.

- Aw, thanks!

Wait, I know what's happened to
you.

You've gone into the shop,

and it's buy-one-get-one-free.

[laughs]

- Why can you just be grateful?

- We are, only joking.

I'll leave you two to it,

I'm gonna go upstairs.

Thanks, Mark.
- All right, sure.

All right, cool.
- See you in a bit!

- She just takes her presents,
then goes.

Ah, thank you, they're lovely.

Thanks for the presents.

- You all right, are you?

- Yeah, but since the other day

when you come round, feel so
much better.

- I cheered you up.
- Huh?

Yeah, the teddy.

So when you go to boot camp,

do you want me to sit home and
cuddle it?

- Yeah.

- Aw, so sweet.

- If I was gonna kiss ya,
I think I deserve a kiss.

- That why you're buying
presents, 'cause you want a
kiss?

- No, don't be silly.

- Mark, you want a kiss on the
lips?

- Go on just give me a peck.

[smooches]

- That's a all you're allowed.

Good things come to those who
wait.

- You made me wait too long.

- Huh?
- You made me wait too long.

- Good, too right.

[Mark sighs]

[tense guitar music]

- I can't tell a girl
I don't fancy her, man.

- Tell ya, I can't do that.
- It'd kill me.

It would kill me if someone
said they don't fancy me,

a lot of people probably
don't fancy me, but.

- [Joey] That's what
I say, a lot of people

don't fancy me but,
that's how it is isn't it,

that's how life goes.

- That's how life goes, innit?

[ominous western music]

- Who is that?

- Oh, my god.

- Oh, my god, what?

- [Joey] Are you serious?

- What have they come to my
house for?

What, are you serious?

- Oh, my god, don't say nothing.

Do not say anything.

Don't say anything.

- Girls, where are your wellies?

- [Cara] Huh?

- Where's your wellies?

- I know, we haven't really
got the right footwear on.

- How did yous get in my house?

- [Cara] The gate was open.

- What you saying?

- What are you saying?

- We've just sort of come

to sorta of like clear
the air with yous both.

- What do you mean clear the
air?

Have we had a row?

- No, of course not,
we just wanted to sort

of have a little chat.

- We just feel like we
had a really good time,

we had a laugh when we went out,

and then haven't really heard
from yous

anything from you since.
- I had a good time as well.

- Things have got awkward
for some reason, ain't they?

- Yeah, well awkward.

- Just sort of wanted to see

if there was any problems or
not.

- No problems.
- No problems.

- I feel like about 12
years old right now.

- I do, too, I really do.

- I do feel, like I feel
about, I feel about 11.

- Well, it's just like
a little bit of tension,

as you said it's awkward.

- I didn't know there was any
tension

until right now, now the
tension just happened.

- [Joey] Look, why we all rowing
for?

What's the point of that?

- [Kirk] I don't wanna row, I
never row.

- [Cara] It's not arguing, it's
just,

- It is rowing though, innit.

- If I wanted to clear the air,

like not to clear the air,

I'd ring someone up and say,

"Alright, how you doing.

"I've not spoken to you since
the date."

I wouldn't just roll up to
someone's house

and say, "What's going
on, what's the problem?"

Like I try, I was gonna try
and be as polite as I can.

For me it was friends going out
on a date,

like not even on a
date, friends going out,

going bowling, and now
I am having questions

at my fucking house.

Do I look like a fucking
doughnut?

- You do actually,
talking to us like that.

- Well, you've come to my house
and said,

"What is the problem?"
- No, we've come.

- Where do you think.
- To your house to be polite.

- The problem has come from?
- We haven't come

to your house.
- Kirk, chill out,

man, slow down.

- [Billi] We've just come to be
nice.

- [Kirk] But why do you
think there's a problem,

do you know what I mean?
- C'mon, let's go.

- It was friends going bowling,

why would she come up and say,

"What's the problem, lets clear
the air?"

What air is there to be clear?

That air's clear, I'm in
the middle of a field.

Smell the air.

- That is so clear.
- That is clear air now.

- That is more clear than see
through.

- God help me.

- Good luck, guys.

- [Jess] Oh, no.

You up for it, Arg, get me home
to bed.

- New recruits, everyone in
line.

Let's get going.

Welcome to the residential
retreat.

This is a boot camp not a pamper
party.

Everyone's bag down on the
floor.

We have got an honesty box just
over here,

so if you are hiding
anything I will find out.

Yes?

- [Gemma] There is a bit in my
bag.

- What is it?

- [sighs] Wine.
- Sneak that past me,

I do see that.
- Gemma!

- Gemma, you're such a goody two
shoes.

- What are you doing,
we could have had that.

- There's brandy.

- Gem, we could have had that
later on.

- Yeah, but I just feel so
guilty,

I'm here to lose weight and
we're all gonna not lose it.

- [Instructor] Well done, Gem.

[upbeat rock music]

- [Mario] Alright?

- Alright?

- I'm good, you?
- Yeah.

- Yeah?

What you doing?

- Just attempting some
bolognese.

- You are taking this cooking
thing rather seriously.

- Yep, I am trying to,

trying to take it all very
seriously.

- What's that supposed to mean?

- Right, just hear me out
before you say anything.

But I've done something
that I shouldn't have done,

but I am kinda glad I've done
it.

- What?

- I looked at your phone.

- Yeah?

- And I saw messages to the
boys.

Like, "As much as I like Lucy,
oh, I'm missing the game,"

and all stuff like this.

- I'm not being funny,

but why are you going through my
phone?

- No, I shouldn't have,
I've just said that.

- No, you should trust me.

- I do trust you, and I don't
what it was, I just looked.

I did, and I don't know what it
was.

- But with regards to
the texts to the boys,

yeah, of course a part of me
misses

being who I used to be, playing
the game

and all that sort of stuff.

And, you know, a part of me does
think oh,

if I didn't have a girlfriend

I wouldn't have all the worry,

the stress and the heartache
that I've been though recently.

And I just literally
would, you know, have fun.

- If you feel like that,
why are we together?

Do you want a break?

Do you want to go out
and do what you wanna do?

- Not really.

- I am just panicking
that we move in together

and a year down the line,
six months down the line,

you're gonna be like I wanna
go out, get with girls,

and I wanna go out and flirt
with girls.

Like I don't wanna get to that
point.

I'm almost like, if you wanna do
it,

go out and do what you want.

And then come back to me.

- What, is this an ultimatum or
what?

- It's not an ultimatum,
I'm just worried and I'm

like, trying to do it the
fairest way.

Like you go out and see how
you feel when you're out.

- If that's what you want?

- You know that guy I was
telling you about, Kurt?

- No way, is he coming round?

- He is coming round, yeah,
today so.

- Oh cool, check you out.

I've never seen you do
nothing like this before.

- I haven't, have I?
- No.

- I think I'm a bit
scared, 'cause it's like,

I've made an effort,

and I just hope he appreciates
it.

- You must like him.

- Yeah, he seems really
nice, he's really sweet.

I think he is like a quarter
German.

- German?
- Yeah.

- What you gonna cook him?

Something Germany?

- Well, no, I was gonna
cook something German,

but then I thought I don't
know what German people eat.

Then I thought, oh, I'm gonna
cook him

just like normal so he
appreciates me.

But then I thought, I can't
cook.

- [Ronnie] No, you can't.

- I can't cook, so I am
just gonna get a take away.

What do you think, do
you think he will notice?

- You can't get a take away,
Harry.

- [Harry] I think I should.

- If someone's comin' to your
house,

you can't get 'em a take away,
you gotta.

- But what would you rather be,

have burnt food or food
poisoning, or have a take away?

- Yeah.

- Do you know what I mean?

It's a bit of common sense.

- Yeah, but are you nervous
though?

- Really nervous.

- Don't be nervous, you'll be
fine.

Proud of ya.

- Thanks Ron.

- Love ya

- All right guys, first
of all I wanna pair you up

into two groups, two teams.

- Girls V boys

- Bros V Hoes.
- Bros V Hoes.

- Right, on your toes.

Let's get ready.

[screams]

[whistle blows]

- Yes, yes!

- Come on, come on.

- Go, go, go!

- [Instructor] Go on flip,
Jess, go on flip, let's go.

- [Jess] If I break a
nail I'm gonna kill you.

[upbeat rock music]

- Jessica, under there,
come on, get under.

Under, under!

Lets go, let's go.

Cheating, five seconds deducted.

All the way to the end, come on.

Come on, let's move.

To the cone, must go to the
cone.

Let's go, lunges.

[screams and whoops]
Lunges!

[screaming and whooping]

- How do you feel, bros?
- It was a draw,

it was a draw.

It was a draw, good stuff.
[Jess whoops]

- [Jess] We won.

- Still got time for a little
jog,

so let's head off, have a nice
little jog,

All right, let's go.

Come on, push.

Let's go.

- I feel dizzy.

- [Mark] Come on, Arg.

- [Jess] Think of that burger
you can have in 10 minutes.

- You alright babe?
- You alright?

- Listen, I've made you, a
curry.

- Did you really cook this?

- Yeah.
- You sure?

- I swear to god I cooked it.

- Okay.

- [Harry] How are you?

- I'm good, how are you babe?

- I'm really good.

- I'll try this.

- You got to be honest with me
though.

You've gotta tell me if you like
it.

- It's okay.

- It's okay?

- [Kurt] Yeah.

- Alright, I am going to admit
it then,

I actually didn't make it.

- Okay, 'cause it's not nice.

It's awful.

- I didn't know if you'd
really like a curry

because, I dunno, do German
people make their own food?

- Of course they make their own
food.

- Because I've done some
research.

- You've done some research?

- Yeah, I did some
research on Germany food.

- German food.
- German food

- Yeah.

- And I saw that you eat frogs
in Germany.

- Where did you get this from?

That's France eats frogs and
snails.

I don't think I have ever been
to Germany and eaten a frog.

That's the French.

So do your mum and dad know I'm
round?

- Yeah, course they do.

- Have you spoken to your mum
about me?

- Yeah.

- What did she say?

- She said she likes you.

It's 'cause I am really,
really close to my mum.

- Well, I am close to my mum as
well.

- When you told your mum that
you was gay, what did she say?

- At first they didn't like it.

Did I tell you?

That when I first came out
my mum and dad were like,

"Oh there is a camp in America,

"and they can cure gays."

And they were thinking
about sending me there,

and I was like so you are going
to send me

to a camp in America that is all
boys,

and they're all gay and you
expect me

to come back and be straight?

It's not gonna work.

[laughs]

- So what is your type?

- Young pretty blondes.

- So what would you like about
me?

- You're funny, you're not too
bright,

but that's not why I like you.

Why do you like me?

- I dunno, because you're sweet,

you're very charming,

handsome.
- Charming.

You make me sound like a Disney
prince.

- Well, you are to me.

[Kurt laughs]

- Do you know what,
I'm freakin' knackered.

- It was hard, weren't it?

- Plus even worse, we've gotta
sleep

in the same room together.

- I know.

- Why are you eating chocolate?

- What are you doing?

- Give her one.

- Oh, you're out of order.

- No.
- D'ya know how I got it in?

In my underpants.

- [Jess] You're not allowed.

- In my pants, and you touched
it.

- Chocolate in his pants,
he smuggled it in his pants.

- Why have you gotta do it all
the time?

- One little bit of chocolate.

- Arg, what's the point in
coming?

You might as well go hone and
just eat McDonald's and shit.

- I've just worked my ass off.

I've lost about two or three
pounds.

- So, Mark, what's it like to be
perfect?

- Gem, I ain't perfect.

Don't be stupid.

I think you look
beautiful the way you are.

That's Gemma, you know.

- Thank you.
- Arg looks gorgeous

the way he is.

You might think, oh, Mark
can get any bird he wants,

and whatever else, but at least
Arg

has a girl that makes him happy.

I haven't found a girl
that makes me happy.

- So you've got a bit of

although you've got
all the looks and that,

you just still feel a little
emptiness in your heart.

- Yeah, sometimes I think,

am I gonna find that girl
who's perfect for me,

the one I actually love
and wanna spend the rest

of my life with.

- Describe perfect, to Mark.

- I don't there is perfect, I
don't think.

You know, like, Lauren
used to criticise herself

about her weight and whatever.

But I think she's
beautiful the way she is,

and everyone is who they is.

I've never have gone out,

well, probably have,
couple times, gone out

with skinny, skinny girls

but I like girls that are big as
well.

- You like a bit of ass.

- What's the word?

Volup

- Voluptuous.
- Voluptuous.

- Voluptuous, I think that's
lovely.

Grab onto their ass, love
handles.

[giggles]

Get out of the room, so I
can put my pants on, please?

- [Jess] No, we're
gonna get in the shower.

- [Gemma] I wanna stay see it,

- [Arg] Look, listen, look,
Mark.

- Look, it's proper
bulgin' through the towel.

[laughs]

- I could show you, but I'm a
good guy.

- Right, we'll leave you to it.

- Thank you for coming by,
I really appreciate it.

- That's all right, I had a good
time.

- Did you?
- Yeah.

- When will we see each other
next?

- I don't know.

Soon, hopefully.

- Yeah, definitely.

- I'll plan something for you.

- Aw, aren't you sweet?

Lovely seein' ya.

- You too.

- See ya later.
- See ya later.

- Bye!
- Bye!

[upbeat music]

- You all right Sam?

- Hello, how are you?

- You all right?
- Aww, are these for me?

- Yeah.

You alright?
- Ah, thank you,

much better today, thank you,
yeah.

I was a bit worse the other day.

- So what's been going on then?

Apart from all this stuff
happening?

- Not a lot really,
I've been working a lot,

- Yeah?
- Obviously.

Mark took me out for
dinner the other night.

- Did he?

- Yeah, just like.
- Did you like it?

- Yeah, it was nice,

like because I've known
him so long and that,

like, literally we have
just been like reminiscing,

and spending some time together,
like,

nothing's happened or anything,
so.

- Still got the ring on I bought
you.

- Yeah, still got it on,
I'm not taking that off.

It's like the nicest
present I've ever had.

- [Joey] You know I still
care about you, don't ya?

- Yeah. I care about you too.

I do, I always think of you.

- No, but I do actually
really care about you,

you know I do, don't ya?

I still love ya really.

You know I do.

- Give me a cuddle.

You're such a lovely boy.

Huh?

- I said I do still love you.

[upbeat rock music]

- It is!
- To lad's night tonight.

- To lad's night.
- Cheers.

- Ah Gem, do you know what,

I am absolutely starving hungry.

- What shall we do?

- I've got a plan.

I'm gonna order some pizza,
alright?

- Yes, will you get extra
larges?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Extra topping?

- Gem, we can't have
extra toppings seriously,

we haven't got time, seriously,

we've got to move quickly,
alright?

- Alright, alright.

- I'm not being funny, but we've
worked

our absolute asses off today.

What is a few slices of
pizzas gonna do, really?

I mean look at the likes
of Mario and Lydia,

they are both Italian and
look how skinny they are.

- Yeah, that's true,

- I mean Pavarotti was probably
just a one off, wasn't he?

- Yeah.

[upbeat music]

- We are in singletons town.

[upbeat music]

- There's the two Laurens, look.

- I think I can see, Joey, God,

I think Kirk's down there.

I see Mario, and Mick.

- Why you out on a boys',

like I am out on a boys' night

because I am single, I am ready

to cause damage.
- I am single as well tonight.

I've got a hall pass.
- Why, have you split up?

A hall pass?
- No, we haven't split up,

no, no, no.

Right, what's happened is,
she's gone through my phone,

and found a text.

- What is she going through you
phone for?

- I know that, oh trust
me, I went mental at her.

Bang out of order.
- That's bad though

- Especially after everything as
well,

I should be going through her
phone.

- Because you're only go
through someone's phone

to cause an argument, you never
go, just,

"Oh, I'll look through your
phone."

- Yeah, exactly.
- Do you know what I mean?

- But anyway, so she's
gone through my phone,

found a text from one of the
boys,

and then she's given me a hall
pass.

- Have you got Wellies?

- I've got some in the car,
yeah.

- We will get like up
to our knees in clunge.

Yeah?
- Sick.

- Definitely, we will go mad.

We will pick as many girls here,

like there is girls everywhere.

- I am looking around, I ain't
spotting no hot men though.

- I just want a bit of eye
candy.

- Imagine he didn't have a
girlfriend,

would you go there with Mario?

- He is kinda reem.

- You know what, Mario is hot.

And do you know what
else I think about Mario,

is that he is almost
like the ideal boyfriend,

because from what I can
see he is very respectful,

he's intelligent, he's good
looking.

- I knew you used to be a
player, right,

but how much of a player was ya?

- I was horrible, mate,
threesomes,

horrible, foursomes, fivesomes.

- Oh, like it is true, you
are like the Italian stallion.

- Yeah, it was good mate.

- I am enjoying being single,
you know,

but I am envious of you in a
relationship.

- I am envious of you being
single, right?

Lucy is the first bird I've
been with I haven't cheated on.

That's why I am sort of
thinking,

do I take this whole thing
seriously?

I'll just have a little flirt
with birds.

- Well, maybe you can
have sex but not kiss?

- Like Pretty Woman?
- Yeah, you know, like,

"No, I've got a girlfriend.

"I can put my willie in
ya, but I can't kiss ya."

[upbeat music]

- Pizza.

- [Arg] Alright, shh, keep it
down.

What ones have you got?

- [Pizza Man] There's
barbecue with barbecue base,

chicken, green pepper and fried
onion.

- [Arg] Pass it over or
pass it under, hurry up.

- What's going on here then?

- Nothing, I am just
going out for a stroll.

- Alright, well, let's
get back in the lodge.

You've been rumbled.

[upbeat music]

- Good to have a boys night,
isn't it?

- Yeah it is good.

There's a lotta nice girls here.

That's why you're always here,
isn't it?

Do you remember that swilling
thing looking at the legs?

The the old bouquet.

- It's only wine's that got legs
isn't it?

This one's more like.

- [Mick] That's orange juice.

- Arms.
- Have a little sniff.

Here we go, look, cracking Joey.

- Hey, you all right?
- You all right?

- Yeah, I just had to
come over and say hello.

You just look gorgeous.

I don't usually go for
the young type but wow.

- Wow.
- Wow, I gotta say, wow,

wow, yeah.
- Oh, tight.

- Oh are they?

You got me heart going, you
know?

- How old are you?

- You don't wanna know.

You looking for a sugar mummy?

- What's a sugar mummy?

- Why are you playing
embarrassed?

- That's just a bit random,
isn't it?

- It's random.
- I didn't expect

this shit.

- I'm gonna leave ya.

Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

- And you.
- See ya later.

- What's that all about?

Do you know that bird?

- [Chloe] Look at his face.

- Do you know that bird?

- No, who the fuck was that?

- Oh god this is borin'.

- I'm just hungry.

We need to liven this gaff up
don't we?

- What have you got?

- The right stuff.
- What have you got?

- If you're gonna play the game,

you play it proper.
[everyone screaming]

- [Arg] Yeah!

- Get in there.

- [Gemma] Where did you have it?

- You know what?

We are going to play truth or
drink.

Onion bargey, Argy, do you want
a truth

or do you wanna drink?

- Oh, don't talk about, fed
up with eatin' on ya Bargey.

- You know, what I'm gettin'
crunk tonight

I think I'm gonna go for the
drunk.

[Mark laughs]

- [Jess] Oh you wimp.

- [Arg] Cheers.

- Ask him a question.

- James Argent, he took the
drink.

Gem go on.

Do you wanna drink or do you
wanna truth?

- Truth.

- I'm gonna ask this question
all right?

How do you really feel about
Arg?

- I do think a lot of James.

But, I respect the fact
that he's with Lydia

and I know that he loves Lydia

and I'm happy for him

but as a person, I adore him to
bits.

- [Jess] If he was single.

- If he was single, yes
I would put it on him.

[Jess and Mark laughing]

- I love you Gem.
- I love you too.

- [Jess] Have a drink
any, Gem, go on, love.

- No, I wanna say to you Gemma

that I really feel like you
and me have become close

the last few months

and I really do feel like
I've made a friend for life

so I love you lots.

- Aw.

- Cheers.

- Toast to that final glass.

- I've got a question for Mark.

Truthfully, how many girls have
you slept with in your life?

- Oh please.

- Do you know what right?

I've had me fun but I ain't
slept with that many birds.

- Are we playin' truth or dare
or

what are we playing?

- Not that many, 20?

- Do you believe that Gem?

[upbeat music]

- And, how's life with Lucy
and everything, went alright?

- Yeah, it's good, it's alright.

- She is a lovely girl Lucy.
- She is a lovely girl.

We are moving in together.

- Moving in?
- Yeah.

- Easy tiger.

You are only young man.

- Well, the thing is,
right, everyone says this,

like oh, you know, it's too
soon,

but the thing is with most girls

as soon as the boyfriend
gets their own apartment,

they are gonna be round
here all the time anyway,

she'll be round literally every
night.

- You need to back off that man.

I remember I was married
at 20 years of age man,

and I made a few mistakes,
and then I had another go,

and you make more mistakes and,

you know, and here I am today.

All I'd say is don't rush into
it.

- Don't rush into it.

Do you think it's a little bit
too soon?

- Not for you I don't think it
is,

but maybe to move her in full
time,

you know, as much as I
think Lucy's a cool girl

and everything else, once
they get their slippers

by the back door mate,
you've got a little bit

of a problem coming.

- Well, my old man said it is
easier

to sort of move someone in

than it is to sort of move
someone out.

- I think you should take notice
of your old man and of me.

Don't do it alright?

Don't jump in.

- I'll go for a truth.

- Did you sleep with Lucy?

- Look, you know, I'm not gonna
lie,

and, yeah, I did, Gem.

- Do you believe him?

- The thing is it's like so
hard.

Like I am not saying I don't
believe you,

but like you hear so many
things.

- I've got proof, so here you
go,

we can put an end to all these
rumours.

- How have you got the proof
though?

- Oh.
- Bloody hell.

- You look nice.

- Thank you, so do you.
- Thank you.

Got a boys night out tonight.

- Are you behaving yourselves?

- Actually I've got a hall pass.

- [Lauren] Really?

- [Mario] Yeah.

- What's that?

- It means I can do
whatever the hell I want.

- Why?

- [Lauren] So you can kiss other
girls,

speak to other girls.

- Kiss girls,

fuck with other girls
- Shut up, you're lying.

- Shut up.
- You are lying?

- I swear to god.

- Have you let her do that?

Is she is allowed to go out and
do that?

- No, but you need to
give her a hall pass.

- Oi, be nice.

- Do you not think, right, even
though

you've never met you two
have so much in common.

- Have we?

- Maybe.

- [Mario] Like?

- Ex partners.
- Broken hearts.

- My heart's not broken yet.

- Was it not a little
bit when you found out

everything that happened?

- Not really, that's if it's
true.

- Do you think it's true, or
not?

- No.

- Do you really in your heart of
hearts

believe it's not true?

- In my heart of hearts I
wouldn't

be with her if that was the
case, would I?

- We are very complimentary of
you.

- Intelligent, sensible, family
guy.

- Yeah, I am quite impressed.

You know, I've always
been nice about you two.

- We've never spoken before so.

- Yeah, I know, I know.

Actually now you and Lucy
have sorted things out,

sort of, and obviously you are
not

with Mark anymore, I can tell
you,

you are actually very
attractive.

- Aw, thank you.

- So are you as well, very
attractive.

- You are very different
to the other boys here,

'cause you're very, you are
quite calm, you're intelligent.

- Yeah, you are, you are very
like.

- Yeah, you're like chilled.

You think that's it now,
you and Lucy forever?

- I'm not gonna say that,
it's a bit optimistic.

I live for like, live for the
day,

so if it works out wicked,
if it doesn't then.

- [Narrator] Next time on
"The Only Way Is Essex".

Will it be a fairytale
ending for Harry and Kurt?

- You make me sound like a
Disney prince.

- Well, you are to me.

- [Narrator] Will Lucy regret
giving Mario the green light?

- I can tell you, you're
actually very attractive.

- Aw, thank you.

- So are you as well, very
attractive.

- [Narrator] And is it time
to finally release mini-Mark

back into the wild?

- Mark, it's proper
bulging through the towel.

- [Narrator] Who knows?

These people are real, because
anything

can happen on "The Only Way is
Essex".

[upbeat music]