All language subtitles for The.Only.Way.Is.Essex.S03E10.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-SLAG_track4_[eng]

fake boobs, and Mick's tackle.

The tans you see might be fake

but the people are all real
although some

of what they do has been set up

purely for your entertainment.

Previously on The Only Way Is
Essex.

- Why would I go anywhere near
you

when there's Lucy Mecklenburgh?

- Who do you think you actually
are?

- Do one.

- You have to come over for
dinner, then.

- Aww, I'd love to.

- Tell us the truth Deb, would
you love me

to end up with your daughter,
yes or no?

And be honest.

- I just want Lydia to be happy.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- [Arg] Hey.

- See ya.

[laughing]

[grunting]

- Get up, big boy.

Woo.

Woo-hoo-hoo!

[sighing]

What's the matter with you?

- Just a bit of my asthma and my
back.

- You know you gotta keep
playing, to get fit son.

[sighing]

You know, it's too much of
that pasta from last night,

having that Italian with
Mario and Lucy and that.

Innit?

- I don't know about that.

- I had a nice evening with Sam.

My head was a little bit like,
wow,

is this more then friends,
do you know what I mean?

- Yeah, yeah, course.

- I left her house the other
night my head was spinning.

We didn't kiss but it was
a bit of a tense moment

at the door, but it just never
happened.

And then to make it worse,
me mum has invited her over

for Sunday lunch on
Sunday with the family.

- No way.

I just can't get over it,

second date and you
haven't even had a kiss.

You'd usually be on all fours by
now.

[laughing]

- [Kirk] Morning.

- Oh morning mate, you alright?

- What you doing?

- I'm getting the gear ready for
fishing.

- Why, who you going with?

- Was going on my own,
but I was waiting for you

to see if you wanted to come.

You fancy it?

- I like it, fishing with you,

you can teach me a few tricks.

What is that?

- This imitates a fish in
distress.

- Why is there distress?

- You put the hook on there.

Well, then the prey come
and take it, don't they?

The fish that eat...

- Other fish.
- Other fish.

So this looks a bit
injured, and wobbles about.

- So what, it's like this.

- So, what, it's like this.

Aah, I'm hurt I'm hurt!

And he gives it, ah, you're
hurt.

- Rawr.
- Oh, no!

He's hurt me, he got me!

- Yeah.

- It'd be like that
thing when you were a kid

and you used to jump on the
Velcro.

You're like...

[laughing]
- You...

- I've caught me a Mick!

- You ain't even funny, you
knob.

I ain't gonna take you with me
today now.

- Right, so what's this, then?

Catapult?

This is for getting your food
out to 'em.

- Yeah, don't touch that
again, you naughty boy.

[laughing]

I love this day!

- Put it down.
- Can we get ready and go?

- You're a pest today, Kirk, I
mean it.

[laid back guitar music]

- Carol, what are you doing?

[laughing]

- What are you doing here?
- You all right?

- Yeah.
- How are you?

- All right, thanks, you?

- Good.

What you shopping for?

- Oh, I've just got my
shopping and everything.

So I'm cooking a big
dinner on Sunday, for,

Sam's coming round.

Yeah, just like, to just
all come round to dinner

like, to be with the family sort
of thing,

just as a friendly thing.

- What, so, I thought they
weren't dating.

Are they dating?

- No, they're not dating.

They're just friends.

As far as I know, they're
just friends, and it's like...

- She'll be welcomed
into the family, then?

[laughs]

Taking my space?

[laughing]

- I'm cooking a shepherd's
pie, 'cause she requested it.

- What?

Funny isn't it, she's
giving the orders already?

[laughing]

- Oh, don't, you gave
me enough in the ears.

- I know.

Well, anyway.

Good luck with Sam,
and the shepherd's pie.

[laughing]

- I'll save you some.

- Okay!

I'll pop round the next day.

- Yeah, you can have the
leftovers.

- Oh, thank you.
- All right, then.

- All right.

- I'll see you later.
- I'll speak to you later.

Bye.

- Yeah, I'm pleased that I
made up with Olivia and that.

- Yeah.

- She was doing well,
wasn't she, for herself?

- Yeah, I know.

- You know, the shop's
flying at the moment.

She's really successful,
isn't she, you know,

and I do get a bit insecure
sometimes,

'cause I think, you know, that
the banter

we used to say about
walking down the street

where a lot of people would be
like,

oh, what's she doing with him,
with me?

- Oh, don't fucking say that,
mate.

Listen, she loves you for who
you are.

Don't be stupid.

- But, at the same time,
appearance-wise,

there are a few things I think

if I just groomed myself
a little bit better,

then it'd make a huge
difference.

For example, I wanna get, you
know,

a bit of a smart haircut.

Maybe a new style.

You know, I'm trying
to do the weight loss,

and you know, my teeth, you
know, like--

- You haven't had them checked
for 10 years, have you?

[laughing]

- I can't remember the last time
that I--

- You probably got more holes in
'em

than second-hand dartboard.

[laughing]

- I just don't wanna
have false teeth and that

when I'm older.

I want 'em to be straight and
white.

- Listen, don't do all
that stuff just for Lydia.

- No, it's not just for Lydia.

It could make a big difference.

- What have I told you before?

Look in that mirror.

Don't worry what you look like.

You are who you are,
you're a good looking kid.

Look in that mirror and say,
listen.

I am Mr. Argent.

I am nearly Mr. Essex.

[laughing]

It might help if you stop

making yourself look like that
as well.

[laughing]

[upbeat music]

- All right, girls?
- Lauren, you all right?

- Girls, listen.
- What?

- I just bounced into Carol.

She was food shopping to cook
Mark and Sam

and the family a meal.

- What?

- Yeah.

- What, they're like, boyfriend
and girlfriend now are they?

- And she requested shepherd's
pie.

- That would really
upset me, if that was me.

- I would be, like, on
the floor, passing out.

I'd just be so hurt and upset.
- Yes.

I looked at Carol like
a mother figure to me.

She at times has been more there
for me

than my actual mum, and
that's what upsets me.

As a woman instinct, you'd feel
for me,

because it was just a very,
like, oh, I'm cooking dinner,

like it was okay?

- She should have just not told
you.

- But I just feel, yeah,
maybe just not tell me but

that's not even the point,
because it is happening, so.

- From Carol's point of view,
if cooking Sam shepherd's pie

makes Mark happy, Carol will be
there,

making the shepherd's pie.

I think Carol is just,
wants to see her kids happy

at the end of the day.

- Yeah, of course, but I feel
like lately

all I've been is rejected from
the family,

and what have I ever done wrong?

[upbeat music]

- [Billi] I loved the bowling.

I had such a good time.

- Yeah, I know I did.

- But then at the same time,

I still feel like we didn't
get to know the boys,

and actually, I still don't
feel that the really know us.

- Not really Joey, more Kirk.

- Yeah, and he was like, "Oh,
you don't like this, do you?

"Oh, you'd rather be going to

"a posh restaurant," like no--
- A posh restaurant.

- And I feel like saying
actually...

- You're quite happy doing
things like that as well.

- Yeah.

Me and Kirk, I think we've
both got quite a similar life.

He needs to get to know me more.

- Yeah, you've not really
had enough time with him

to show that, have you?

- I don't want him to think
I'm just some city girl

that things, oh, I'm a spoilt
little brat.

I don't think that's the
problem with you and Joey.

- No, not really.

I do quite like Joey though.

- I know.

Do you wanna go out with him
again?

- Yeah.

Do you with Kirk?

- Yeah.
- No?

- Maybe, I don't know.

[upbeat music]

- What do you think of this,
girls?

- That's nice!
- That is so nice.

- Very slimming, yes.
- Yeah.

Are you 100% confident
with the way you look?

- Do you know what?

I don't feel over the moon about
it,

so I look in the mirror.

[laughing]

- We should stop putting
ourselves down.

Just think we're beautiful, and
think,

sod it, let's go out and
have a good night out.

- Okay.

- Let's just stop
worrying about ourselves.

- And boys.
- At the end of the day,

whoever we end up with,

they're all gonna see our bad
bits,

and they've got to accept us how
we are.

[laughing]

- Everyone's got bad bits
anyways.

- Yeah, no one's perfect.

- That's what I'm saying.

I was with Mark for 10 years.

It couldn't be that bad.

- Do you ever think, my darling,
you'll ever not say that?

- What?

[laughing]

[gentle music]

- It's lovely here, innit?
- It's good, mate.

It's all right, good relaxing
day.

- Nice to spend a bit of time
with you.

- [Kirk] Yeah, I like this.

- Without you moaning about
anything,

just enjoying your fishing.

- Oh, I will moan, though.

- Probably.
- It's what I do, don't I?

- [Mick] And the old
double-date, how did it go?

- Double date was good.

We went bowling, me, Joey, Cara,
Billie.

- It was a laugh?

- [Kirk] It was a good
day, but I don't know.

- [Mick] Wasn't a date
made in heaven then, there?

- No, no, there was nothing
wrong with the date.

The girls were funny, they were
brilliant.

But it's just, she's not my
type.

- [Mick] So, you've got no other
date set up, at the moment?

- No, nothing at the moment.

I don't know, all I wanna do is
try

and find a nice little bird,
but.

- A nice little bird?

- [Kirk] It's just looking.

I don't know where to find 'em.

- [Mick] There a pet shop for
that, yeah?

[laughing]
Get a nice little bird?

- [Kirk] How's the hotel coming
on?

- Yeah, all right.

Slowly but surely.

- I'm gonna crack on with this
bar.

- You know, I told you to do
some research on in, didn't I?

- [Kirk] Yeah.

- To see what you think the area
needs.

Have you done that?

- Well, no, I haven't to be
honest.

You sound very down today, Dad.

All day you have.

- Have I?

- Oh yeah, you've been proper
miserable.

Ah!

Oh, I just hit myself
in the fucking balls.

Ah...

- Fate, we call that.

Know what that is?

- I know what fate is.

I got a fucking aching ball.

[rock music]

- Hiya.

- Hi, Peri, you all right?

- Lucy, isn't it?

- Yep.
- Yeah.

- I just thought I'd come in
'cause I think it's about time

me and you had a little chat.

- Yeah, it is, isn't it?

- Mario's told me about--
- Yeah.

- Your running the other
day, and it got a bit heated,

didn't it?
- Yeah, it did, it did.

- [Lucy] And he does feel
bad about it, because--

- Well, he should do,
because he was really rude.

- Because he said that
he casted you as a mate,

and then he spoke to you,
'cause obviously we've

had a lot going on, and he's
not been himself lately,

and he got a bit wound up in the
situation

and I think he took it a bit too
far.

But equally, he said he doesn't
understand

where it's all coming
from, suddenly, because--

- Honestly, I can say to you,

he started lying and he was up,

my friends were trying to set me
up

with this Lucy Meck girl,

and I was like, oh,

and I've never heard of you
before,

'cause I don't live in
Brentwood.

And he was like, but I've
got no interest in her.

And then he took me out, was it.

- But where did the ugly
bit come from, then?

- When?
- Because apparently Gemma

said that you said to her
that he said I was ugly,

and I wouldn't be interested in
Lucy.

- Oh, I've never said that in my
life, so.

I don't know, I don't even know
Gemma, so.

- Oh, I'm just sick of everyone
talking.

I can't take it anymore.

- Now, I've got no reason to
lie,

because it'd be different if I
wanted,

if I was interested in
Mario and I was bitter,

but literally, I've got no
problem with him whatsoever.

He was really rude to me
outside,

but I don't want there
to be any hard feelings

between us two, but,

just thought I'd tell you the
truth, really, and he was only

saying it to cover his own back.

- Oh.

All right, well, just,
I'm not going to speak

about you, which I don't,
anyway.

Just don't speak about
me, my past, me and Mario,

and we'll just leave it at that.

- That's fine.
- There's no need

to have a row about it.

- That's fine, you've done
nothing to me.

I've done nothing to you,
personally,

but for him to dig at me when
he was lying is not fair.

- All right, we'll just...

All right, then, we'll just,

we won't speak about each other,
so.

- That's fine, that's fine.

- See you later.
- Bye.

[sighs]

[rock music]

- Chloe, what are you looking
for

for your new living room, then?

Like, what colours?

- Oh, I don't know, like,

I was thinking maybe like a
silver theme, like metallic.

- Yeah, like, what I
would like, an old silver.

Like, you know, like French
chic,

but like, silvery.

- Yeah.

- Joe?

- Yeah?

- [Chloe] Can you stop
planking and help, please?

- This is the way I live life.

[laughing]

- It's not helping your
life, is it, you plank?

Now get up on the chair and help
us.

- [Joey] I'm doing well,
though, I'm doing well.

- You're too bendy, it
needs to be more straight.

- Joe, you're gonna really get
demoted.

I'm gonna make Frankie head
designer soon

if you're not careful.
- Woo, yeah!

- How about I buy some goldfish
then?

Like her and Billie wouldn't
meet the little goldfish.

- I hate, hate, animals.

Do you realise what you've
got to do with them goldfish?

You have to catch 'em.

- Yeah, I heard about it.

- In a little net, and they're
all, like,

screeching and getting around
the place.

Put 'em in a cup, clean all
their shit out every week,

and then put 'em back.

Anyway, how did your date go?

- Yeah, it was all right.

But Kirk's told me that
he don't want Billie,

so I wanna go back with
Kirk, and if Kirk don't

fancy someone's mate, that
I don't think I wanna.

It's like, them two
and us to but it's not.

- I think you and Kirk,
you're, at the moment, Jirk,

who'd have you such a laugh,
ain't ya,

that you have your own jokes.
- Yeah.

- I don't really think you

need to, like--
- Pretty much,

that's what I'm saying.

- Yeah, it's different then.
- You're having your own fun

- Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

- Well, just do that then.

- Well, I would go out on
another, like, date or whatever,

but I don't want to call
it a date at the moment.

- Enough about relationships.

You are head designer.
- Yep.

- What are you saying?

- Right, this is what I
think we should do, right?

I think this wall needs
to be, like very patterny,

or pink, like pinkness like you
like it.

And this wall's gonna be
mine, and I'm gonna put,

we're gonna put like, things
here,

like butterflies, lemons,
and like, letters.

- You want your own wall?

- [Joey] Yeah.

[upbeat music]

- It's been absolute manic here.

- I know, you haven't stopped,
have you?

But, you know, it's a
good thing, Lid, you know.

- Of course, yeah.

I'm just trying to get
everything straight, like.

- You know, listen, I know
you've been busy and everything,

but you know, we really
haven't spent, like,

hardly any time together,

and we've both always said how
we'd love

to go salsa dancing together?

- Yeah.

- And I just thought, you
know, Gemma's asked me

to come along to this salsa
event today,

and I just thought it'd
be wicked for me and you

to go together, spend a little
bit of--

- James, I don't think I can go
today.

- No?

- Too busy.

As soon as the shop's up
and running a bit more,

I'll be able to have a few
days off, but at the moment,

it's just gonna be taking over
my life.

But it's all right, we can do
something again soon, yeah?

- Yeah.

- What are you doing?

What's the matter?

- What do you think of my teeth?

- Well, they, they're a bit
crooked.

- What do you mean, they're a
bit crooked?

What bits?

- Well, you have got a
bit of a gap, ain't ya?

In the middle.

- Yeah, but ain't that quite a
sexy thing?

Like Gareth Gates had it
and all the girls went--

- It's quite nice having a gap.

You're gonna pay for that?

Keeping tabs on my stock.

Be careful, it's fragile.

- See you later.
- See you later.

[gentle music]

- About moving in.
- Yes?

- I wanna know if it's
definitely what you want to do,

because, obviously I don't want
to

get myself all excited
and get everything ready

and then you change your mind.

It's like, my whole life
at the end of the day.

- Yeah, I'm not gonna lie that,

after everything that's happened

after the last two weeks and
everything

and all the rumours that
have been flying around

and I did have my doubts.

I was thinking, I said
to my mum, I was like,

[clicks tongue] I dunno.

And plus I've sort of
always wanted it to be

like a bachelor pad?

- When you first move out.

- Yeah, well it's sort of like,

that's always sort of been
something that I'd envisioned,

was like, me and the boys.

You know, going back
there after a night's out,

all that sort of thing.

- You can still do that.

It wouldn't bother me.

- Yeah, I know, but I wouldn't
want to take the piss.

So I think yeah, I
think I am ready for you

to move in with me.

- I dunno about being this
perfect Italian wife, yeah?

But I'm working on it.

I'm excited about that, and
so it's like a challenge.

- Yeah, I mean, I'm looking
forward to it.

A little swanky apartment.

I'll have my bitch there at the
ready.

[laughs] I'm joking, I'm joking.

- You won't if you call me that.

- I'm joking.

[upbeat music]

- All right, hi.
- Hello, Nan.

- [Nan] Hello, boy, all right,
lovely.

[kissing]

- How you doing?

- In the same old place I ever
was, then.

[laughing]

- In the sink.

So, what's going on then?

Because obviously, I thought
you were taking it slow

with Sam, but she's coming
over for dinner and everything.

- Well, it's not about
taking it slow, in a way.

I wanna be her boyfriend.

It's less about taking it slow.

It's more like, you know, she's
enjoyed

spending time with Aaron.

She's a bit of fun.

- You know, when I went shopping
yesterday

I bumped into Lauren.

- Did ya?

- So that was really awkward,
yeah.

But I told her that I was
cooking for Sam.

She was okay about it actually,
hopefully.

She's moving on like you are.

- You know, I don't want her to
be upset

at the end of the day.

In all of my other breakups I've
kind of

wanted her to be upset

because I've wanted her to miss
me.

I want her to know that
she still wants me.

But now, I actually want
to know she's moving on,

and you know, she's happy.

Because at the end of the day,
I still care for the girl,

and I always will.

- What do you think, Nan?
- Eh, what do you think?

- He's met someone now that
he's gonna stay with, yeah?

- No, no, no, if I get
with one, you understand.

- Oh, make your bleedin' mind
up.

[laughing]

- Eh?

Come on, give us a straight
answer.

[doorbell rings]
- Who's that?

One of your hosts?

Hopefully.
- Oh, for God's sake.

- Hello, darling, you all right?

- Ah, hello you, come in.
[kissing]

Am I glad to see you.
- Are you?

It stinks in here.
- It's him!

- Oh, it stinks of illness.

- Gemma!

- Darling.

- How are you?

- I have come to nurse you back
to health,

'cause when I heard you was ill,

I was like, oh my God!

But anyway, what's your problem?

I should ask you that, really.

Oh, dunno.

I've got a bit of a sweat.

Like I've got like hot and cold
sweats.

- Right.

How's your toilet?

- My toilet's fine.

- Is there any fur on the
tongue?

- Ah.

- It's a bit white and furry.

Have you seen any funny
spots through your eyes?

When you're looking at me
now, is it fuzzy or blurry?

- No, you look like an angel.

[laughing]
- Thank you.

- I mean, I think I'm
getting a little bit better,

but--
- Do you think it's man flu?

- Well, I didn't think I was
gonna make it a few days ago.

- If you had a nice
girlfriend now, she's be here

giving you kisses and cuddles

and little remedies.
- Yeah, I know.

- So I've got special remedies
for you.

What I've got you, bananas
to restore your vibrancy

and, like, potentness?

- He's never been potent, never.

- Well, this'll bring your
strength back

in the man department, yeah,
some bananas.

- I've bought you tzatziki.

I've bought you hummus.

- Hummus!

- All right, and I've bought
you a little pita bread.

So there's no excuses for why
you

can't look after him, okay?

- You put those in the toaster,
I suppose?

- Piece de resistance
is, my favourite remedy.

- Oh, nice!

- Every two hours, I want
you to have a large shot

of the brandy.

- Can't you just stay and do it
for me?

This is all too complicated.

- Well, I could, but you
might fall in love with me.

- Oh, I think it's too late for
that, Gem.

You've done a fantastic job.

- Aw, so I want a boyfriend
that I can deal with,

so how nice is it there--

- Like me, but just taller?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- And a bit bigger, so.

- Oh, no!

- Yeah, come on, if I go
out with a skinny bloke,

do you know what I mean?

- Is he skinny!

- I'm not skinny, I'm hench.

- No, but you're little and
that.

- Oh, okay.

- [Photographer] Okay, James.

Nice big smile for me.

[camera clicking]

You can just put these
retractors in for me.

Brilliant.

Lovely.

- So, do you want a white smile,
eh?

Well, let me show you this one
first.

If you had straighter,
whiter, more even teeth

than that colour, what do you
think?

- Much better.

- Do you like it?
- Yeah, I love it.

- This is the darker one.

What do you think of that one?

Not as good.

- No, it's not as good.

- And then the other one,
that was the American white,

which is about this--
- Damn! [laughing]

- [Dentist] Yeah?

Too much, isn't it?

- Now that is white.

But do you like it?

- I don't know.

You know, I've got a pretty
girlfriend,

and she's commented on my teeth
before.

Sort of saying, no they're
not great, and stuff,

and I just want an instant
impact.

If you could try and help me out

and find a cross between
maybe Hollywood and Brentwood,

about half way.

- Sounds good.
- Then that would be perfect.

Basically, I'm a singer.

And when I'm on stage,
it's all about feeling sexy

and wanting women to throw stuff
at me,

and stuff like that, but
that's not gonna happen

if I haven't got confidence.

- Okay, well we're gonna
weigh up the pros and cons

of all the different approaches.

- Brilliant, that sounds great.

And how much are we sort of
looking at?

What's the price?

- You're looking at about
four and a half, 5,000?

[upbeat music]

- Carol, this shepherd's pie is
lovely.

- Oh, thanks.

- I'll have a good bit of
homemade shepherd's pie.

Who wants a glass of this?

- [Sam] Ah, yes please.

- Yeah.
[laughing]

- Oh, it's so nice to
have you over anyway.

It's really nice to all sit here
together

and cook a dinner for you.

- I know, I've known you for so
long.

Like, Mark's just rude, isn't
he?

- [Carol] Yeah, very rude.

- Never wanna get, like,
get me involved or anything.

- 'Cause we're never, listen--

- No, I know that, but I'm
just saying, it's just rude.

I've known you all these years.

- Why you always gotta hammer
me?

- [Sam] Huh?

- Why you always gotta hammer
me?

[laughing]

Listen, if you haven't
been on a date before,

we can't, I can't start
bringing you round.

I actually have to take
you out, and you know that.

- [Jess] So you've been on a
date, then.

- Well, it was like, half a
date.

- Just admit it.

It was a full on date.

You've thrown your heart big
time.

- Can we call it a date.

- I'm happy to call it a date.

You're the one that's got the
problem.

- She always digs me about
not taking her on dates,

but I've took other girls out
before,

but not a lot, I don't normally
take girls out on dates.

You've gotta be special
to get on a date with me,

right?
- Oh my God.

- [Mark] No, this is the truth.

- See, in your days,
Mum, a man took you out.

- No, you'd go courting
for a little while--

- But it was so much more
romantic, wasn't it, back then

to what it is now?

- [Nan] Oh yeah, you just,

they would dance, and that was
it.

- That's how it should
be in this day, Nan.

It's all changed 'round, now.

- It should be.
- Girls have become more--

- On the world now.
- A little bit looser,

a little bit more like a man.

- Uh?
- Well, it's true.

No, I'm not saying youse are,
personally,

and I hope youse two
ain't, but I'm saying,

admit it, a lot of girls now are
loose.

But back in the day, no girls
were loose.

- What do you mean, loose?
- Loose!

What do you mean, loose?
- You know, they're--

- Slag.
- Sleep about.

Now, girls go out--
- That's terrible.

- I mean, I go out now, and
girls want to take me on.

I don't even have to ask.

I say no every time, but.
- Disgusting.

- Doesn't half flatter
himself, doesn't he.

- Yeah.
- I know.

[laughs]

[upbeat music]

- Ain't, like, the salsa meant
to be a bit, like, sexual?

- Yeah!
- Sexual.

- Sexual.
- Sexual.

- 'Cause it's with the hips.

- Yeah, it's all like, moves.

- In the hips, with eye
contact, body contact,

a bit romantic.

- I just don't think I'm
gonna be very good at it,

because you know you have
to, like, do coordination?

I can't do that.

- You can.

It's literally two steps.

- [Chloe] Yeah, but
I'm gonna be the clown.

- No, you won't!
- I think it's good

that we're doing something
different for once.

We do the same thing all the
time.

- Yeah!
- And I feel like we can

meet different guys, can
have a bit of boy contact.

- Check you out!
- Rather doing that,

than sitting around
thinking about Mark and Sam

eating shepherd's pie.

- I just think it's a bit
soon, do you know what I mean?

Like wiping salt in the wound.

Like, I would be upset.

I would have properly broken
down crying.

- I think it's a little bit
inconsiderate

on everyone's part.

I've gotta speak up for Lauren.

I think it's absolutely petty.

- Do you know what I mean?

It's bang out of order.

End of story.

- We was about to get married.

It's more intense than
anyone can understand.

- Yeah, it just confirms that
you should

go to salsa and meet a nice,
hot, fancy flamenco man.

[laughing]

- Come on, gimme the plates.

I'm gonna collect them in.

- God, what's happened to you?

- What's happened to you?

- Yeah, oh dear.

- Growin' up, and I'm a
gentleman.

- You've never done this before.

- It's just, just come to me
senses,

it shouldn't be girls that are
doing

all the work all the time.

- Oh Sam, you're
definitely doing something.

- Dear, I bet you been
learning him, ain't you Sam?

What to do and what not to do.

- Look, he's trying to show
you how domesticated he is.

And he's a very good cook, you
know.

- He should have cooked dinner.

- I'll cook you some dinner
soon.

- Another date he's offering out
there?

- [Carol] Nan, you gotta teach
me and Sam

how to cook a sausage plait.

- Well, that's easy enough.

- But you can make all kind

of different patterns, can't
you,

so I can get one that
says, I Love Mark, innit?

[laughing]

- [Nan] Oh, I love myself!

- Anyway, I'll raise a glass to
the three,

and potentially four, let's call
it four,

women in my life now.

- Oh my god.
- Cheers!

[glasses clinking]

- Welcome, Sam.
- Welcome.

- Let me know so that I can get
me new--

[laughing]

[upbeat music]

- I think this is gonna be fun.

- I'm really excited.

- Oh, I thought there'd
be, like, fit blokes here.

- Hey!

[cheering]

- Hi, guys.
- Hi!

[kissing]
- You all right, guys?

- Now let's have a bit of fun.

Let's get our groove on.

- What is it, then?

Me and you?

Talk to me.

Been spending a bit of
time with each other,

having a bit of fun,

and then we went out
the other night, and...

- Yeah.
- Kind of called it a date.

When I left you the other night,

I was just a bit like, fuck.

- What?
- Like, how do I feel?

Like, shit, maybe I'm falling
for her.

And then, a little bit of
me thinks, shit, should I?

- Do you have anything that you
think's

holding you back a little bit
now?

- Not really.

And maybe the fact that I've
just come out

of a long term relationship,

and I don't want to jump
back into something serious.

But I mean, I wouldn't like you
to be

seeing anyone else, and I would
hope

that you wouldn't want me
to be seeing someone else.

It doesn't mean me and you
have to be totally full on.

We still got that kind of
relationship sort of thing.

- Yeah, I think definitely
more than friends.

- Yeah, we're definitely
more than friends.

I mean, we'd be the only
ones that think we weren't.

[upbeat music]

- My boobs are killing
me, and it's so hot.

Can you feel the head coming off
of them?

[laughing]

- Well you know I'm pretty good,
though.

- [Gemma] What?

- I'm actually quite good,
aren't I?

- You're amazing, honey.

You're like the matador and I'm
the bull,

and you're coming to get me.

[laughing]

[upbeat music]

- All right, Chloe?

- Harry.

- Oh my God, all this dance
is getting me so tired.

Listen, I need relationship
advice really badly.

- From me?

- From you, and I know
you're a professional

at relationship advice.

- All right, go on then.

- So I've met someone.

- Oh, have ya?

- I met someone, his name is
Kurt.

Possibly boyfriend material.

- Really?

- Possibly, but listen.

With his little facial hair,

he's got like, the little facial
beard?

Okay, do you know how Germans
have it?

Because I think he's,
like, a quarter German.

- Does he speak German?

- I think a little bit.

- Does he speak English?

- Yeah, he's full English.

And he said to me the other day,

because I saw him the other day,

he went to me, a German rule is

if you're given a plate of food,

you eat all of it if you don't
like it.

You just eat all of it.

- Yeah, but do you know what?

You're gonna find the right man.

German food is filth.

- Is it?

I'm gonna go on a date with him.

- Is it a first date?

- A proper first date, yeah.

- Oh my God, that's so exciting.

- Do you know what really
fusses me about gay people?

- What?
- Who pays?

[laughing]

- It's good exercise, you know.

- It actually, innit?

In fact, I'm tired.

- Yeah, it's a bit making me
breathless.

Is it you?

- Yeah.

- How you getting on with
the dieting and that?

- Gemma, you know what, one
minute I lose a lot of weight,

and then I put it back on.

I'm like, constantly yo-yoing
up and down, up and down.

- I know, doesn't it piss you
off?

Like, one day I'll wake up and
think,

I feel lighter today.

I woke up today and my tits

feel like they weigh a stone
each.

Feel 'em!
[laughing]

Honestly, if I flop them on the
scales,

they'd frickin' go right up.

I just don't know, I
think, like, me and you,

we're always gonna suffer with
our weight

unless we get rid of it once and
for all.

- Do you ever kiss on the first
date?

- I think personally,

you should have a kiss
but not a full on snog.

- Not like a, la-la-la-la.

- Not tongue, but just like
a small little, [kisses]

and then like, all right,
thanks, bye.

- All right, see you later, bye.

- I think we're not disciplined
enough,

and the only place for us is
boot camp.

[sighs]

I know it's such hard work,
but we've got fat again, Arg.

I do not want to see
you fail, and you don't

want to see me fail, and plus,

we don't want to get
ripped the piss out of,

which people will be
saying them fat bastards

have put on weight again.

- If you think it's the right
thing to do,

then we've got to do it,
and give it a good go, yeah?

- All right, and if Lydia
ever dumps you, Arg,

I will be there waiting for ya.

[upbeat music]

- Spin.
- Again?

- I'm quite enjoying
partnering up with you,

because I've got a pretty good
view.

- I haven't got a good view,
though.

All I can see is air.

[laughing]

Not hair, air.

- Yeah, I think it's well.

Sam's the only other girl he
ever brought round for dinner

other than Lauren.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.

- She's a nice girl though,
isn't she?

- Yeah, they've got quite
a close bond, I think.

I get on really well with her as
well

so there's obviously like
something between us.

- Yeah, she fits him.

- You all right?

- [Mark] Yeah, how you
doing, you all right?

- All right, yeah, you?
- All right, yeah, good.

Look, I'm just letting you know,

there's been an incident
with Sam and Billie.

I don't really wanna go into it,

because I don't want to get
involved,

but I just wanna know they're
all right,

so I wanna go round and see them
now,

so I can't stay for breakfast,
but...

- [Jess] Well, that's a
shame, it's such a nice day.

- Yeah, I know.
- I hope they're all right.

- Yeah, I think they'll be all
right.

But I'll see you later on, yeah?

- Yeah, give her my love,
anyway.

- [Jess] I hope they're all
right.

[gentle music]

[knocking]

- Hi, Mark.
- I'm here to see the girls.

- Okay.
- All right, yeah?

- Yeah, cool.
- Hi, you all right?

- Oh yeah, well--
- Trying to be?

- Yeah.
- All right.

All right, girls?
- Hello.

- How you doing?
- Hello.

[kissing]

- You all right, yeah?
- Mm-hm.

- Funny how you two
still look beautiful, eh?

- Aw.
[laughing]

So sweet.

- [Mark] Is it sore?

- Yeah, ah, don't do that, it
hurts.

- Oh, does it?
- Yeah.

- And there.

[sighs]

- [Mark] You're a bit shaken up,
innit?

- Exhausted.
- Are ya?

What have you been doing, just
sitting

and eating comfort food and
drinking cups of tea all day?

- Yeah, I fancy another cup of
tea.

Do youse want one?

- No, I'll make it Bill, don't
be silly.

- No, it's fine, I'll make one.

- She's just trying to get off
of me.

- Of course.
- Not quite.

- You don't do anything.

- Give me a cuddle.

You all right, yeah?

- Thank you for coming round.

- I'm glad you're all right,
anyway.

- Huh?
- I'm glad

you're all right, anyway.

- Yeah, I'm fine.
- You still look beautiful.

- Huh?

- You still look beautiful.
- No I don't.

You say it with a big smile on
your face,

like you're so pleased.

- I know, I can't help it.

You just make me nervous,
I dunno what it is.

- What, why?

- [Mark] I tell you how I really
feel.

- It's nice that everyone cares.

- Yeah, exactly.

Shows you've got good friends
and good family around ya.

And a good, special friend.

- What, who's that special,
are you that special friend?

[laughing]

- But, look, I'm here for you
now anyway

so come and give me a cuddle.

- Oh, thank you for coming
round.

[upbeat music]

- [Narrator] Next time
on The Only Way is Essex,

will Harry go dutch with a
German?

- Do you know what really
fusses me about gay people?

Who pays?

- [Narrator] Will it be
jerk on, or jerk off?

- Do you want to go out with him
again?

- Yeah.

Do you with Kirk?

- Maybe.

- She's not my type.

- [Narrator] And will Arg
go for the full Hollywood?

- Maybe Hollywood and Brentwood,
halfway.

- [Narrator] Who knows?

These people are real,
and anything can happen

on The Only Way Is Essex.

[grunting]
- Get up, big boy!