Original subtitles

fake boobs, and Mick's tackle.

The tans you see might be fake

but the people are all real although some

of what they do has been set up

purely for your entertainment.

Previously on The Only Way Is Essex.

- Why would I go anywhere near you

when there's Lucy Mecklenburgh?

- Who do you think you actually are?

- Do one.

- You have to come over for dinner, then.

- Aww, I'd love to.

- Tell us the truth Deb, would you love me

to end up with your daughter, yes or no?

And be honest.

- I just want Lydia to be happy.

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]

- [Arg] Hey.

- See ya.

[laughing]

[grunting]

- Get up, big boy.

Woo.

Woo-hoo-hoo!

[sighing]

What's the matter with you?

- Just a bit of my asthma and my back.

- You know you gotta keep playing, to get fit son.

[sighing]

You know, it's too much of that pasta from last night,

having that Italian with Mario and Lucy and that.

Innit?

- I don't know about that.

- I had a nice evening with Sam.

My head was a little bit like, wow,

is this more then friends, do you know what I mean?

- Yeah, yeah, course.

- I left her house the other night my head was spinning.

We didn't kiss but it was a bit of a tense moment

at the door, but it just never happened.

And then to make it worse, me mum has invited her over

for Sunday lunch on Sunday with the family.

- No way.

I just can't get over it,

second date and you haven't even had a kiss.

You'd usually be on all fours by now.

[laughing]

- [Kirk] Morning.

- Oh morning mate, you alright?

- What you doing?

- I'm getting the gear ready for fishing.

- Why, who you going with?

- Was going on my own, but I was waiting for you

to see if you wanted to come.

You fancy it?

- I like it, fishing with you,

you can teach me a few tricks.

What is that?

- This imitates a fish in distress.

- Why is there distress?

- You put the hook on there.

Well, then the prey come and take it, don't they?

The fish that eat...

- Other fish. - Other fish.

So this looks a bit injured, and wobbles about.

- So what, it's like this.

- So, what, it's like this.

Aah, I'm hurt I'm hurt!

And he gives it, ah, you're hurt.

- Rawr. - Oh, no!

He's hurt me, he got me!

- Yeah.

- It'd be like that thing when you were a kid

and you used to jump on the Velcro.

You're like...

[laughing] - You...

- I've caught me a Mick!

- You ain't even funny, you knob.

I ain't gonna take you with me today now.

- Right, so what's this, then?

Catapult?

This is for getting your food out to 'em.

- Yeah, don't touch that again, you naughty boy.

[laughing]

I love this day!

- Put it down. - Can we get ready and go?

- You're a pest today, Kirk, I mean it.

[laid back guitar music]

- Carol, what are you doing?

[laughing]

- What are you doing here? - You all right?

- Yeah. - How are you?

- All right, thanks, you?

- Good.

What you shopping for?

- Oh, I've just got my shopping and everything.

So I'm cooking a big dinner on Sunday, for,

Sam's coming round.

Yeah, just like, to just all come round to dinner

like, to be with the family sort of thing,

just as a friendly thing.

- What, so, I thought they weren't dating.

Are they dating?

- No, they're not dating.

They're just friends.

As far as I know, they're just friends, and it's like...

- She'll be welcomed into the family, then?

[laughs]

Taking my space?

[laughing]

- I'm cooking a shepherd's pie, 'cause she requested it.

- What?

Funny isn't it, she's giving the orders already?

[laughing]

- Oh, don't, you gave me enough in the ears.

- I know.

Well, anyway.

Good luck with Sam, and the shepherd's pie.

[laughing]

- I'll save you some.

- Okay!

I'll pop round the next day.

- Yeah, you can have the leftovers.

- Oh, thank you. - All right, then.

- All right.

- I'll see you later. - I'll speak to you later.

Bye.

- Yeah, I'm pleased that I made up with Olivia and that.

- Yeah.

- She was doing well, wasn't she, for herself?

- Yeah, I know.

- You know, the shop's flying at the moment.

She's really successful, isn't she, you know,

and I do get a bit insecure sometimes,

'cause I think, you know, that the banter

we used to say about walking down the street

where a lot of people would be like,

oh, what's she doing with him, with me?

- Oh, don't fucking say that, mate.

Listen, she loves you for who you are.

Don't be stupid.

- But, at the same time, appearance-wise,

there are a few things I think

if I just groomed myself a little bit better,

then it'd make a huge difference.

For example, I wanna get, you know,

a bit of a smart haircut.

Maybe a new style.

You know, I'm trying to do the weight loss,

and you know, my teeth, you know, like--

- You haven't had them checked for 10 years, have you?

[laughing]

- I can't remember the last time that I--

- You probably got more holes in 'em

than second-hand dartboard.

[laughing]

- I just don't wanna have false teeth and that

when I'm older.

I want 'em to be straight and white.

- Listen, don't do all that stuff just for Lydia.

- No, it's not just for Lydia.

It could make a big difference.

- What have I told you before?

Look in that mirror.

Don't worry what you look like.

You are who you are, you're a good looking kid.

Look in that mirror and say, listen.

I am Mr. Argent.

I am nearly Mr. Essex.

[laughing]

It might help if you stop

making yourself look like that as well.

[laughing]

[upbeat music]

- All right, girls? - Lauren, you all right?

- Girls, listen. - What?

- I just bounced into Carol.

She was food shopping to cook Mark and Sam

and the family a meal.

- What?

- Yeah.

- What, they're like, boyfriend and girlfriend now are they?

- And she requested shepherd's pie.

- That would really upset me, if that was me.

- I would be, like, on the floor, passing out.

I'd just be so hurt and upset. - Yes.

I looked at Carol like a mother figure to me.

She at times has been more there for me

than my actual mum, and that's what upsets me.

As a woman instinct, you'd feel for me,

because it was just a very, like, oh, I'm cooking dinner,

like it was okay?

- She should have just not told you.

- But I just feel, yeah, maybe just not tell me but

that's not even the point, because it is happening, so.

- From Carol's point of view, if cooking Sam shepherd's pie

makes Mark happy, Carol will be there,

making the shepherd's pie.

I think Carol is just, wants to see her kids happy

at the end of the day.

- Yeah, of course, but I feel like lately

all I've been is rejected from the family,

and what have I ever done wrong?

[upbeat music]

- [Billi] I loved the bowling.

I had such a good time.

- Yeah, I know I did.

- But then at the same time,

I still feel like we didn't get to know the boys,

and actually, I still don't feel that the really know us.

- Not really Joey, more Kirk.

- Yeah, and he was like, "Oh, you don't like this, do you?

"Oh, you'd rather be going to

"a posh restaurant," like no-- - A posh restaurant.

- And I feel like saying actually...

- You're quite happy doing things like that as well.

- Yeah.

Me and Kirk, I think we've both got quite a similar life.

He needs to get to know me more.

- Yeah, you've not really had enough time with him

to show that, have you?

- I don't want him to think I'm just some city girl

that things, oh, I'm a spoilt little brat.

I don't think that's the problem with you and Joey.

- No, not really.

I do quite like Joey though.

- I know.

Do you wanna go out with him again?

- Yeah.

Do you with Kirk?

- Yeah. - No?

- Maybe, I don't know.

[upbeat music]

- What do you think of this, girls?

- That's nice! - That is so nice.

- Very slimming, yes. - Yeah.

Are you 100% confident with the way you look?

- Do you know what?

I don't feel over the moon about it,

so I look in the mirror.

[laughing]

- We should stop putting ourselves down.

Just think we're beautiful, and think,

sod it, let's go out and have a good night out.

- Okay.

- Let's just stop worrying about ourselves.

- And boys. - At the end of the day,

whoever we end up with,

they're all gonna see our bad bits,

and they've got to accept us how we are.

[laughing]

- Everyone's got bad bits anyways.

- Yeah, no one's perfect.

- That's what I'm saying.

I was with Mark for 10 years.

It couldn't be that bad.

- Do you ever think, my darling, you'll ever not say that?

- What?

[laughing]

[gentle music]

- It's lovely here, innit? - It's good, mate.

It's all right, good relaxing day.

- Nice to spend a bit of time with you.

- [Kirk] Yeah, I like this.

- Without you moaning about anything,

just enjoying your fishing.

- Oh, I will moan, though.

- Probably. - It's what I do, don't I?

- [Mick] And the old double-date, how did it go?

- Double date was good.

We went bowling, me, Joey, Cara, Billie.

- It was a laugh?

- [Kirk] It was a good day, but I don't know.

- [Mick] Wasn't a date made in heaven then, there?

- No, no, there was nothing wrong with the date.

The girls were funny, they were brilliant.

But it's just, she's not my type.

- [Mick] So, you've got no other date set up, at the moment?

- No, nothing at the moment.

I don't know, all I wanna do is try

and find a nice little bird, but.

- A nice little bird?

- [Kirk] It's just looking.

I don't know where to find 'em.

- [Mick] There a pet shop for that, yeah?

[laughing] Get a nice little bird?

- [Kirk] How's the hotel coming on?

- Yeah, all right.

Slowly but surely.

- I'm gonna crack on with this bar.

- You know, I told you to do some research on in, didn't I?

- [Kirk] Yeah.

- To see what you think the area needs.

Have you done that?

- Well, no, I haven't to be honest.

You sound very down today, Dad.

All day you have.

- Have I?

- Oh yeah, you've been proper miserable.

Ah!

Oh, I just hit myself in the fucking balls.

Ah...

- Fate, we call that.

Know what that is?

- I know what fate is.

I got a fucking aching ball.

[rock music]

- Hiya.

- Hi, Peri, you all right?

- Lucy, isn't it?

- Yep. - Yeah.

- I just thought I'd come in 'cause I think it's about time

me and you had a little chat.

- Yeah, it is, isn't it?

- Mario's told me about-- - Yeah.

- Your running the other day, and it got a bit heated,

didn't it? - Yeah, it did, it did.

- [Lucy] And he does feel bad about it, because--

- Well, he should do, because he was really rude.

- Because he said that he casted you as a mate,

and then he spoke to you, 'cause obviously we've

had a lot going on, and he's not been himself lately,

and he got a bit wound up in the situation

and I think he took it a bit too far.

But equally, he said he doesn't understand

where it's all coming from, suddenly, because--

- Honestly, I can say to you,

he started lying and he was up,

my friends were trying to set me up

with this Lucy Meck girl,

and I was like, oh,

and I've never heard of you before,

'cause I don't live in Brentwood.

And he was like, but I've got no interest in her.

And then he took me out, was it.

- But where did the ugly bit come from, then?

- When? - Because apparently Gemma

said that you said to her that he said I was ugly,

and I wouldn't be interested in Lucy.

- Oh, I've never said that in my life, so.

I don't know, I don't even know Gemma, so.

- Oh, I'm just sick of everyone talking.

I can't take it anymore.

- Now, I've got no reason to lie,

because it'd be different if I wanted,

if I was interested in Mario and I was bitter,

but literally, I've got no problem with him whatsoever.

He was really rude to me outside,

but I don't want there to be any hard feelings

between us two, but,

just thought I'd tell you the truth, really, and he was only

saying it to cover his own back.

- Oh.

All right, well, just, I'm not going to speak

about you, which I don't, anyway.

Just don't speak about me, my past, me and Mario,

and we'll just leave it at that.

- That's fine. - There's no need

to have a row about it.

- That's fine, you've done nothing to me.

I've done nothing to you, personally,

but for him to dig at me when he was lying is not fair.

- All right, we'll just...

All right, then, we'll just,

we won't speak about each other, so.

- That's fine, that's fine.

- See you later. - Bye.

[sighs]

[rock music]

- Chloe, what are you looking for

for your new living room, then?

Like, what colours?

- Oh, I don't know, like,

I was thinking maybe like a silver theme, like metallic.

- Yeah, like, what I would like, an old silver.

Like, you know, like French chic,

but like, silvery.

- Yeah.

- Joe?

- Yeah?

- [Chloe] Can you stop planking and help, please?

- This is the way I live life.

[laughing]

- It's not helping your life, is it, you plank?

Now get up on the chair and help us.

- [Joey] I'm doing well, though, I'm doing well.

- You're too bendy, it needs to be more straight.

- Joe, you're gonna really get demoted.

I'm gonna make Frankie head designer soon

if you're not careful. - Woo, yeah!

- How about I buy some goldfish then?

Like her and Billie wouldn't meet the little goldfish.

- I hate, hate, animals.

Do you realise what you've got to do with them goldfish?

You have to catch 'em.

- Yeah, I heard about it.

- In a little net, and they're all, like,

screeching and getting around the place.

Put 'em in a cup, clean all their shit out every week,

and then put 'em back.

Anyway, how did your date go?

- Yeah, it was all right.

But Kirk's told me that he don't want Billie,

so I wanna go back with Kirk, and if Kirk don't

fancy someone's mate, that I don't think I wanna.

It's like, them two and us to but it's not.

- I think you and Kirk, you're, at the moment, Jirk,

who'd have you such a laugh, ain't ya,

that you have your own jokes. - Yeah.

- I don't really think you

need to, like-- - Pretty much,

that's what I'm saying.

- Yeah, it's different then. - You're having your own fun

- Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

- Well, just do that then.

- Well, I would go out on another, like, date or whatever,

but I don't want to call it a date at the moment.

- Enough about relationships.

You are head designer. - Yep.

- What are you saying?

- Right, this is what I think we should do, right?

I think this wall needs to be, like very patterny,

or pink, like pinkness like you like it.

And this wall's gonna be mine, and I'm gonna put,

we're gonna put like, things here,

like butterflies, lemons, and like, letters.

- You want your own wall?

- [Joey] Yeah.

[upbeat music]

- It's been absolute manic here.

- I know, you haven't stopped, have you?

But, you know, it's a good thing, Lid, you know.

- Of course, yeah.

I'm just trying to get everything straight, like.

- You know, listen, I know you've been busy and everything,

but you know, we really haven't spent, like,

hardly any time together,

and we've both always said how we'd love

to go salsa dancing together?

- Yeah.

- And I just thought, you know, Gemma's asked me

to come along to this salsa event today,

and I just thought it'd be wicked for me and you

to go together, spend a little bit of--

- James, I don't think I can go today.

- No?

- Too busy.

As soon as the shop's up and running a bit more,

I'll be able to have a few days off, but at the moment,

it's just gonna be taking over my life.

But it's all right, we can do something again soon, yeah?

- Yeah.

- What are you doing?

What's the matter?

- What do you think of my teeth?

- Well, they, they're a bit crooked.

- What do you mean, they're a bit crooked?

What bits?

- Well, you have got a bit of a gap, ain't ya?

In the middle.

- Yeah, but ain't that quite a sexy thing?

Like Gareth Gates had it and all the girls went--

- It's quite nice having a gap.

You're gonna pay for that?

Keeping tabs on my stock.

Be careful, it's fragile.

- See you later. - See you later.

[gentle music]

- About moving in. - Yes?

- I wanna know if it's definitely what you want to do,

because, obviously I don't want to

get myself all excited and get everything ready

and then you change your mind.

It's like, my whole life at the end of the day.

- Yeah, I'm not gonna lie that,

after everything that's happened

after the last two weeks and everything

and all the rumours that have been flying around

and I did have my doubts.

I was thinking, I said to my mum, I was like,

[clicks tongue] I dunno.

And plus I've sort of always wanted it to be

like a bachelor pad?

- When you first move out.

- Yeah, well it's sort of like,

that's always sort of been something that I'd envisioned,

was like, me and the boys.

You know, going back there after a night's out,

all that sort of thing.

- You can still do that.

It wouldn't bother me.

- Yeah, I know, but I wouldn't want to take the piss.

So I think yeah, I think I am ready for you

to move in with me.

- I dunno about being this perfect Italian wife, yeah?

But I'm working on it.

I'm excited about that, and so it's like a challenge.

- Yeah, I mean, I'm looking forward to it.

A little swanky apartment.

I'll have my bitch there at the ready.

[laughs] I'm joking, I'm joking.

- You won't if you call me that.

- I'm joking.

[upbeat music]

- All right, hi. - Hello, Nan.

- [Nan] Hello, boy, all right, lovely.

[kissing]

- How you doing?

- In the same old place I ever was, then.

[laughing]

- In the sink.

So, what's going on then?

Because obviously, I thought you were taking it slow

with Sam, but she's coming over for dinner and everything.

- Well, it's not about taking it slow, in a way.

I wanna be her boyfriend.

It's less about taking it slow.

It's more like, you know, she's enjoyed

spending time with Aaron.

She's a bit of fun.

- You know, when I went shopping yesterday

I bumped into Lauren.

- Did ya?

- So that was really awkward, yeah.

But I told her that I was cooking for Sam.

She was okay about it actually, hopefully.

She's moving on like you are.

- You know, I don't want her to be upset

at the end of the day.

In all of my other breakups I've kind of

wanted her to be upset

because I've wanted her to miss me.

I want her to know that she still wants me.

But now, I actually want to know she's moving on,

and you know, she's happy.

Because at the end of the day, I still care for the girl,

and I always will.

- What do you think, Nan? - Eh, what do you think?

- He's met someone now that he's gonna stay with, yeah?

- No, no, no, if I get with one, you understand.

- Oh, make your bleedin' mind up.

[laughing]

- Eh?

Come on, give us a straight answer.

[doorbell rings] - Who's that?

One of your hosts?

Hopefully. - Oh, for God's sake.

- Hello, darling, you all right?

- Ah, hello you, come in. [kissing]

Am I glad to see you. - Are you?

It stinks in here. - It's him!

- Oh, it stinks of illness.

- Gemma!

- Darling.

- How are you?

- I have come to nurse you back to health,

'cause when I heard you was ill,

I was like, oh my God!

But anyway, what's your problem?

I should ask you that, really.

Oh, dunno.

I've got a bit of a sweat.

Like I've got like hot and cold sweats.

- Right.

How's your toilet?

- My toilet's fine.

- Is there any fur on the tongue?

- Ah.

- It's a bit white and furry.

Have you seen any funny spots through your eyes?

When you're looking at me now, is it fuzzy or blurry?

- No, you look like an angel.

[laughing] - Thank you.

- I mean, I think I'm getting a little bit better,

but-- - Do you think it's man flu?

- Well, I didn't think I was gonna make it a few days ago.

- If you had a nice girlfriend now, she's be here

giving you kisses and cuddles

and little remedies. - Yeah, I know.

- So I've got special remedies for you.

What I've got you, bananas to restore your vibrancy

and, like, potentness?

- He's never been potent, never.

- Well, this'll bring your strength back

in the man department, yeah, some bananas.

- I've bought you tzatziki.

I've bought you hummus.

- Hummus!

- All right, and I've bought you a little pita bread.

So there's no excuses for why you

can't look after him, okay?

- You put those in the toaster, I suppose?

- Piece de resistance is, my favourite remedy.

- Oh, nice!

- Every two hours, I want you to have a large shot

of the brandy.

- Can't you just stay and do it for me?

This is all too complicated.

- Well, I could, but you might fall in love with me.

- Oh, I think it's too late for that, Gem.

You've done a fantastic job.

- Aw, so I want a boyfriend that I can deal with,

so how nice is it there--

- Like me, but just taller?

- Yeah.

- Yeah.

- And a bit bigger, so.

- Oh, no!

- Yeah, come on, if I go out with a skinny bloke,

do you know what I mean?

- Is he skinny!

- I'm not skinny, I'm hench.

- No, but you're little and that.

- Oh, okay.

- [Photographer] Okay, James.

Nice big smile for me.

[camera clicking]

You can just put these retractors in for me.

Brilliant.

Lovely.

- So, do you want a white smile, eh?

Well, let me show you this one first.

If you had straighter, whiter, more even teeth

than that colour, what do you think?

- Much better.

- Do you like it? - Yeah, I love it.

- This is the darker one.

What do you think of that one?

Not as good.

- No, it's not as good.

- And then the other one, that was the American white,

which is about this-- - Damn! [laughing]

- [Dentist] Yeah?

Too much, isn't it?

- Now that is white.

But do you like it?

- I don't know.

You know, I've got a pretty girlfriend,

and she's commented on my teeth before.

Sort of saying, no they're not great, and stuff,

and I just want an instant impact.

If you could try and help me out

and find a cross between maybe Hollywood and Brentwood,

about half way.

- Sounds good. - Then that would be perfect.

Basically, I'm a singer.

And when I'm on stage, it's all about feeling sexy

and wanting women to throw stuff at me,

and stuff like that, but that's not gonna happen

if I haven't got confidence.

- Okay, well we're gonna weigh up the pros and cons

of all the different approaches.

- Brilliant, that sounds great.

And how much are we sort of looking at?

What's the price?

- You're looking at about four and a half, 5,000?

[upbeat music]

- Carol, this shepherd's pie is lovely.

- Oh, thanks.

- I'll have a good bit of homemade shepherd's pie.

Who wants a glass of this?

- [Sam] Ah, yes please.

- Yeah. [laughing]

- Oh, it's so nice to have you over anyway.

It's really nice to all sit here together

and cook a dinner for you.

- I know, I've known you for so long.

Like, Mark's just rude, isn't he?

- [Carol] Yeah, very rude.

- Never wanna get, like, get me involved or anything.

- 'Cause we're never, listen--

- No, I know that, but I'm just saying, it's just rude.

I've known you all these years.

- Why you always gotta hammer me?

- [Sam] Huh?

- Why you always gotta hammer me?

[laughing]

Listen, if you haven't been on a date before,

we can't, I can't start bringing you round.

I actually have to take you out, and you know that.

- [Jess] So you've been on a date, then.

- Well, it was like, half a date.

- Just admit it.

It was a full on date.

You've thrown your heart big time.

- Can we call it a date.

- I'm happy to call it a date.

You're the one that's got the problem.

- She always digs me about not taking her on dates,

but I've took other girls out before,

but not a lot, I don't normally take girls out on dates.

You've gotta be special to get on a date with me,

right? - Oh my God.

- [Mark] No, this is the truth.

- See, in your days, Mum, a man took you out.

- No, you'd go courting for a little while--

- But it was so much more romantic, wasn't it, back then

to what it is now?

- [Nan] Oh yeah, you just,

they would dance, and that was it.

- That's how it should be in this day, Nan.

It's all changed 'round, now.

- It should be. - Girls have become more--

- On the world now. - A little bit looser,

a little bit more like a man.

- Uh? - Well, it's true.

No, I'm not saying youse are, personally,

and I hope youse two ain't, but I'm saying,

admit it, a lot of girls now are loose.

But back in the day, no girls were loose.

- What do you mean, loose? - Loose!

What do you mean, loose? - You know, they're--

- Slag. - Sleep about.

Now, girls go out-- - That's terrible.

- I mean, I go out now, and girls want to take me on.

I don't even have to ask.

I say no every time, but. - Disgusting.

- Doesn't half flatter himself, doesn't he.

- Yeah. - I know.

[laughs]

[upbeat music]

- Ain't, like, the salsa meant to be a bit, like, sexual?

- Yeah! - Sexual.

- Sexual. - Sexual.

- 'Cause it's with the hips.

- Yeah, it's all like, moves.

- In the hips, with eye contact, body contact,

a bit romantic.

- I just don't think I'm gonna be very good at it,

because you know you have to, like, do coordination?

I can't do that.

- You can.

It's literally two steps.

- [Chloe] Yeah, but I'm gonna be the clown.

- No, you won't! - I think it's good

that we're doing something different for once.

We do the same thing all the time.

- Yeah! - And I feel like we can

meet different guys, can have a bit of boy contact.

- Check you out! - Rather doing that,

than sitting around thinking about Mark and Sam

eating shepherd's pie.

- I just think it's a bit soon, do you know what I mean?

Like wiping salt in the wound.

Like, I would be upset.

I would have properly broken down crying.

- I think it's a little bit inconsiderate

on everyone's part.

I've gotta speak up for Lauren.

I think it's absolutely petty.

- Do you know what I mean?

It's bang out of order.

End of story.

- We was about to get married.

It's more intense than anyone can understand.

- Yeah, it just confirms that you should

go to salsa and meet a nice, hot, fancy flamenco man.

[laughing]

- Come on, gimme the plates.

I'm gonna collect them in.

- God, what's happened to you?

- What's happened to you?

- Yeah, oh dear.

- Growin' up, and I'm a gentleman.

- You've never done this before.

- It's just, just come to me senses,

it shouldn't be girls that are doing

all the work all the time.

- Oh Sam, you're definitely doing something.

- Dear, I bet you been learning him, ain't you Sam?

What to do and what not to do.

- Look, he's trying to show you how domesticated he is.

And he's a very good cook, you know.

- He should have cooked dinner.

- I'll cook you some dinner soon.

- Another date he's offering out there?

- [Carol] Nan, you gotta teach me and Sam

how to cook a sausage plait.

- Well, that's easy enough.

- But you can make all kind

of different patterns, can't you,

so I can get one that says, I Love Mark, innit?

[laughing]

- [Nan] Oh, I love myself!

- Anyway, I'll raise a glass to the three,

and potentially four, let's call it four,

women in my life now.

- Oh my god. - Cheers!

[glasses clinking]

- Welcome, Sam. - Welcome.

- Let me know so that I can get me new--

[laughing]

[upbeat music]

- I think this is gonna be fun.

- I'm really excited.

- Oh, I thought there'd be, like, fit blokes here.

- Hey!

[cheering]

- Hi, guys. - Hi!

[kissing] - You all right, guys?

- Now let's have a bit of fun.

Let's get our groove on.

- What is it, then?

Me and you?

Talk to me.

Been spending a bit of time with each other,

having a bit of fun,

and then we went out the other night, and...

- Yeah. - Kind of called it a date.

When I left you the other night,

I was just a bit like, fuck.

- What? - Like, how do I feel?

Like, shit, maybe I'm falling for her.

And then, a little bit of me thinks, shit, should I?

- Do you have anything that you think's

holding you back a little bit now?

- Not really.

And maybe the fact that I've just come out

of a long term relationship,

and I don't want to jump back into something serious.

But I mean, I wouldn't like you to be

seeing anyone else, and I would hope

that you wouldn't want me to be seeing someone else.

It doesn't mean me and you have to be totally full on.

We still got that kind of relationship sort of thing.

- Yeah, I think definitely more than friends.

- Yeah, we're definitely more than friends.

I mean, we'd be the only ones that think we weren't.

[upbeat music]

- My boobs are killing me, and it's so hot.

Can you feel the head coming off of them?

[laughing]

- Well you know I'm pretty good, though.

- [Gemma] What?

- I'm actually quite good, aren't I?

- You're amazing, honey.

You're like the matador and I'm the bull,

and you're coming to get me.

[laughing]

[upbeat music]

- All right, Chloe?

- Harry.

- Oh my God, all this dance is getting me so tired.

Listen, I need relationship advice really badly.

- From me?

- From you, and I know you're a professional

at relationship advice.

- All right, go on then.

- So I've met someone.

- Oh, have ya?

- I met someone, his name is Kurt.

Possibly boyfriend material.

- Really?

- Possibly, but listen.

With his little facial hair,

he's got like, the little facial beard?

Okay, do you know how Germans have it?

Because I think he's, like, a quarter German.

- Does he speak German?

- I think a little bit.

- Does he speak English?

- Yeah, he's full English.

And he said to me the other day,

because I saw him the other day,

he went to me, a German rule is

if you're given a plate of food,

you eat all of it if you don't like it.

You just eat all of it.

- Yeah, but do you know what?

You're gonna find the right man.

German food is filth.

- Is it?

I'm gonna go on a date with him.

- Is it a first date?

- A proper first date, yeah.

- Oh my God, that's so exciting.

- Do you know what really fusses me about gay people?

- What? - Who pays?

[laughing]

- It's good exercise, you know.

- It actually, innit?

In fact, I'm tired.

- Yeah, it's a bit making me breathless.

Is it you?

- Yeah.

- How you getting on with the dieting and that?

- Gemma, you know what, one minute I lose a lot of weight,

and then I put it back on.

I'm like, constantly yo-yoing up and down, up and down.

- I know, doesn't it piss you off?

Like, one day I'll wake up and think,

I feel lighter today.

I woke up today and my tits

feel like they weigh a stone each.

Feel 'em! [laughing]

Honestly, if I flop them on the scales,

they'd frickin' go right up.

I just don't know, I think, like, me and you,

we're always gonna suffer with our weight

unless we get rid of it once and for all.

- Do you ever kiss on the first date?

- I think personally,

you should have a kiss but not a full on snog.

- Not like a, la-la-la-la.

- Not tongue, but just like a small little, [kisses]

and then like, all right, thanks, bye.

- All right, see you later, bye.

- I think we're not disciplined enough,

and the only place for us is boot camp.

[sighs]

I know it's such hard work, but we've got fat again, Arg.

I do not want to see you fail, and you don't

want to see me fail, and plus,

we don't want to get ripped the piss out of,

which people will be saying them fat bastards

have put on weight again.

- If you think it's the right thing to do,

then we've got to do it, and give it a good go, yeah?

- All right, and if Lydia ever dumps you, Arg,

I will be there waiting for ya.

[upbeat music]

- Spin. - Again?

- I'm quite enjoying partnering up with you,

because I've got a pretty good view.

- I haven't got a good view, though.

All I can see is air.

[laughing]

Not hair, air.

- Yeah, I think it's well.

Sam's the only other girl he ever brought round for dinner

other than Lauren.

- Yeah. - Yeah, yeah.

- She's a nice girl though, isn't she?

- Yeah, they've got quite a close bond, I think.

I get on really well with her as well

so there's obviously like something between us.

- Yeah, she fits him.

- You all right?

- [Mark] Yeah, how you doing, you all right?

- All right, yeah, you? - All right, yeah, good.

Look, I'm just letting you know,

there's been an incident with Sam and Billie.

I don't really wanna go into it,

because I don't want to get involved,

but I just wanna know they're all right,

so I wanna go round and see them now,

so I can't stay for breakfast, but...

- [Jess] Well, that's a shame, it's such a nice day.

- Yeah, I know. - I hope they're all right.

- Yeah, I think they'll be all right.

But I'll see you later on, yeah?

- Yeah, give her my love, anyway.

- [Jess] I hope they're all right.

[gentle music]

[knocking]

- Hi, Mark. - I'm here to see the girls.

- Okay. - All right, yeah?

- Yeah, cool. - Hi, you all right?

- Oh yeah, well-- - Trying to be?

- Yeah. - All right.

All right, girls? - Hello.

- How you doing? - Hello.

[kissing]

- You all right, yeah? - Mm-hm.

- Funny how you two still look beautiful, eh?

- Aw. [laughing]

So sweet.

- [Mark] Is it sore?

- Yeah, ah, don't do that, it hurts.

- Oh, does it? - Yeah.

- And there.

[sighs]

- [Mark] You're a bit shaken up, innit?

- Exhausted. - Are ya?

What have you been doing, just sitting

and eating comfort food and drinking cups of tea all day?

- Yeah, I fancy another cup of tea.

Do youse want one?

- No, I'll make it Bill, don't be silly.

- No, it's fine, I'll make one.

- She's just trying to get off of me.

- Of course. - Not quite.

- You don't do anything.

- Give me a cuddle.

You all right, yeah?

- Thank you for coming round.

- I'm glad you're all right, anyway.

- Huh? - I'm glad

you're all right, anyway.

- Yeah, I'm fine. - You still look beautiful.

- Huh?

- You still look beautiful. - No I don't.

You say it with a big smile on your face,

like you're so pleased.

- I know, I can't help it.

You just make me nervous, I dunno what it is.

- What, why?

- [Mark] I tell you how I really feel.

- It's nice that everyone cares.

- Yeah, exactly.

Shows you've got good friends and good family around ya.

And a good, special friend.

- What, who's that special, are you that special friend?

[laughing]

- But, look, I'm here for you now anyway

so come and give me a cuddle.

- Oh, thank you for coming round.

[upbeat music]

- [Narrator] Next time on The Only Way is Essex,

will Harry go dutch with a German?

- Do you know what really fusses me about gay people?

Who pays?

- [Narrator] Will it be jerk on, or jerk off?

- Do you want to go out with him again?

- Yeah.

Do you with Kirk?

- Maybe.

- She's not my type.

- [Narrator] And will Arg go for the full Hollywood?

- Maybe Hollywood and Brentwood, halfway.

- [Narrator] Who knows?

These people are real, and anything can happen

on The Only Way Is Essex.

[grunting] - Get up, big boy!