Original subtitles

fake boobs and a bad case of camel toe.

The tans you see might be fake

but the people are all real,

although some of what they do has been set up

purely for your entertainment.

Previously on, "The Only Way is Essex".

[Mark laughing]

- You're telling me that Sam and Mark are gonna a date?

Oh my God.

- It feels all right. - Compromise, though,

that's what moving in together is about, compromise.

[Mark chuckling] [upbeat music]

- If this was a date,

I suppose I'd be leaning over kissing you right now.

- Yeah, but it's not a date, is it?

[gentle piano music]

- What do you think of that?

- You're really good mate.

- It's how I relax.

You know I got a temper anyway.

- [Joey] How do you mean?

- Like, instead of me arguing with people all the time now,

I just sit here and try and make a song.

- Really? - Yeah.

- You've got to show it to Billi, mate.

- I don't think she'd be interested in that, will she?

- Do you reckon they've got fake boobs?

- I've been looking at Billi's boobs,

not in a rude way, but, whoa, they're big.

I was thinking, you know what,

if someone throws me in the pool, I would take her with me.

She'll keep me afloat, do you know what I mean?

But they're nice, anyway, boobs or no boobs,

they're sweet girls and they make me laugh.

- That's why I like them, do you know why?

'Cause they come, yeah,

they don't care about what everyone else thinks.

'Cause, obviously, every other girl is gonna hate 'em.

- Yeah. - So why don't you get

Billi round here, let her sit here and say "Listen,

"relax, relax," and I guarantee it'll impress her.

'Cause I wanna impress Cara by playing a guitar,

but I can't play it.

- Did that impress you when I play?

- A lot, yeah, it's good, it's good.

- [Kirk] Yeah, but I'm just different.

- I don't know, I think piano's a bit of a weird thing,

like you'd have it in like a haunted house or something.

[piano clanging]

[kirk laughing]

[ominous piano music]

Don't do that, seriously.

[upbeat music]

- [Lydia] Mom, I'm so looking forward

to the grand opening of Bella Sorella.

- [Debbie] Listen.

I'm vintage enough to not go with the outfit, aren't I?

- But that's the theme, Mom.

- [Debbie] Yeah, but I'm vintage!

I'm 50 years of age, I'm vintage.

- It doesn't matter if you're old,

it doesn't matter if you're young,

you've got to put the effort in.

- [Debbie] Are you ready?

- Yeah.

Oh my god, mom, you can not wear that!

- You said vintage, Lyds!

What you laughing at? [laughs]

Lydia, what?

- No. - You're gonna have to

choose something yourself. - I'm gonna have to choose

something for you, mom.

This isn't very nice. - Oh, hold on,

this is a little bit tight. [laughs]

- This is a bit, this is a bit too young I think.

- I thought I looked fantastic but if that's all right.

- I'll get you changed, I'll be able to choose

a nice little outfit for ya. - So, what do you think?

- We have to deal with what we've got I am afraid, Mom.

- How about the pink one then? - But I really want

everyone else to make loads of effort.

I want everyone to take off the fake tan,

I want everyone to go from orange to porcelain,

I want them all to have like big bounced curly hair.

- But, we're talking about the girls in Essex.

- I know, but I really want them all to go all out,

and make loads of effort. - Well, do you think

they're take all of their fake tan off?

- I think they will.

I think they'll, I think they'll strip back,

and they'll do it for the theme.

- How about James, what is he wearing?

- Don't know.

I'm thinking he's probably gonna be like, Dicky bow, tux.

- So boring, normal.

- Arg's normal--

- Normal, normal, not making an effort.

[Lydia laughing]

- I can't take you serious looking at you

with the rollers in. [laughs]

- So, what do you reckon about Lauren?

You're goin' out with Billi,

do you reckon she's gonna get jealous, or something, or not?

- Nah, man, we're over, we've been split up for ages now.

Like, we both--

- Yeah, but she still got feelings for you ain't she?

- Yeah but, everyone's still got feelings for each other.

- Yeah, yeah.

- You know, I wanna move on.

Hopefully she does as well.

So, what about you now, though?

'Cause, with Sam and Mark, they're goin' on a date.

- No, I they skiing though. - So, you're all right though?

- Yeah, sweet.

- We should just both be grown up about it

and both see different girls. - Yeah of course.

- And just get over it, yeah?

- Let 'em crack on, I don't give a shit.

- Don't worry about anyone else man, it's all about us now.

- Woo!

[upbeat music] [singing in foreign language]

- "When we're feeling down,

"to lighten up about bad feelings,

"imagine bad feels as wild horses you climb on.

"If you climbed on them, you can climb off them too.

"You can choose to get off that horse

"as fast at you jumped on it."

Well that sums me up with the diet.

I tried it, it was hard bloody work.

- That books too educational for me,

and I don't really get it.

[Gemma laughing]

Girls, guess what?

- What? - What?

- I've met someone.

- Who?

- Who?

What, you didn't tell me!

- I met a boy called Kurt.

- Kirk?

- No, Kurt.

- Kurt. - Imagine it was Kirk.

[Sam laughing]

No, it's not, it's not.

- So tell us more. - Kurt.

I really like him and he's really boyfriend material.

- Right.

- We've always had a little text

but it's got to the stage now where we've text,

have met up a couple of times. - Oh my god.

Harry, how old is he?

- 24.

- What color's his hair? - Brown.

- Is he fit? - Really fit.

- Does he drive? - Yeah, he does drive.

- [gasps] He ticks all the boxes.

- Ticks all the boxes.

- [Sam] I wanna meet Kurt.

- Definitely. - So do I.

- I'm gonna bring him to SugarHut.

- [Sam] You look really happy.

- Can't believe I have to come all the way here.

You know, I'm too much of a good friend.

I've literally been your chauffeur

for six years. - Shut up.

- I even drive to a radio station.

- [Arg] What friends are for, init it?

- Oh, stop whinging. - What being your chauffeur?

Is that reason why you're friends with me?

- Look, I have to start this radio stuff

and I just really appreciate both your support today.

- You nervous about being interviewed by him then?

- Well, yeah, I am in a way.

- Obviously, the reason why I chose Nanny Pat is because

you probably could, no offence,

you probably could relate to--

- To some of them.

Yeah, cause I'm an old girl. - Exactly, yeah.

- Interviews a whole new kettle of fish.

- New thing, yeah.

- I wanna be a cross between Parkinson.

Have the intellect of Parkinson

and then have the comedy of Jonathan Ross.

- Oh right, right, yeah. [Mark laughing]

- But I need to get going then if--

- Argent, relax yourself, you're not Jonathan Ross.

You are James Argent of Buckhurst Hill,

who is interviewing old people in a hospital.

- Yeah. [Mark laughing]

[upbeat music]

- [Cara] Loving your jumper and shirt combination today.

- Do you? - Yeah, I love it.

- Sparkly.

What do you think of Joey?

- Joey isn't my usual,

what I'd say is my typical fella, what I'd go for.

But all the things that I sort of thought that maybe

I wouldn't like about Joey, I do like about Joey.

- Like what?

- Well we all know Joey's not really the

brightest star in the sky. [Billi laughing]

And I thought that would be - That's

- unattractive. - nicest way to put it.

- When actually I, sort of, I don't know,

find it a little bit attractive.

[phone ringing]

- [Cara] Who's that?

- It's Kirk.

- Read it, let me read it. - Oh my God.

- Let me read it.

- Read it.

- "Hello babe, I think it's time I take you out

"and show you how I roll.

"Me and Joey have a surprise, we'll pick you and Cara up.

"What are you saying?"

[both laughing]

[upbeat jazz music]

- Ladies and gentleman, the queen of Essex, Nanny Pat!

Hello Nanny Pat.

- Hello James, how are you?

- I'm very well thank you and how are you?

- I'm all right, thank you.

- To friends and family you're known as Nanny Pat,

but in fact, what is your real name?

- Pat.

- Yeah.

Now what I would've noticed Nanny Pat,

have you ever been to the hospital yourself?

- Yeah, only once.

- You've been once?

- Once, I was in hospital, I had me appendix out.

- Out of interest, when you were in hospital

did you have hospital radio?

Did you have people like, James, Arg, Argent cheering you up

and playing songs? - No, no, no, no, no.

No, no.

Didn't have any radio whatsoever.

- And if you could go back

to when you was having your appendix taken out,

would you have liked someone like James, Arg, Argent

to talk to you and play songs and--

- Oh yeah, yeah.

'Cause it'll keep you going, wouldn't it?

But I mean them day's,

you just laid in bed and that was it.

'Case you broke the stitches open.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- Bloody hell.

[upbeat funky music]

- [Chloe] What do you think about this one, Joe?

- Yeah, I think it's nice, but the only thing is,

it's a bit too mustardy init?

The colours of it.

Obviously in 1940s, 1950s

they wore more darker colours, didn't they?

They didn't know what light colours were,

They didn't have the colour yellow.

Didn't have it, weren't invented.

[Chloe laughing]

- It wasn't, Joe, it's just--

- Just because all the photos are black and white,

don't mean they had black and white clothes on all the time.

- Yeah, but all their movies were always black and white,

so they all used to wear really dark stuff.

[Chloe laughing]

- I'm not really a vintage kind of girl

so I really don't know what to wear.

I don't think they had Essex girls when it was vintage days.

I don't even think Essex was invented.

- It was. [laughing] - Yeah.

- Well, then, there would've been nothing here.

Have you not seen photos of this area before?

There was nothing here.

It was just like a church and then loads of fields and then,

- A pub? - this would've been a hill.

Do you know what I mean?

But, look, these hats are definitely what they used to wear,

I'm sure.

- Who would wear that hat these days?

You've got to wear something that ain't fashionable at all,

like e.g. this.

- They're well in fashion.

- They're well in fashion, you nutter.

- I just bought that the other day.

I didn't buy that to be vintage,

I bought that to be in fashion.

- Well I think that's disgusting. [laughs]

[Frankie laughing]

- Try it on, Joe.

- Let's see Joey in it.

- Oh, [laughing] you look, reem in that Joe.

That really suits you.

You've got the perfect head for that.

- [Joey] I'm not wearing that.

- What's going on about your bum implants, anyway?

- Oh, I don't know.

I was hoping they was gonna say that they could,

you know when they take your fat and put it in your bum?

- Yeah.

- I was hoping they was gonna say that but he said you can't

and you can't use other peoples fat

because your body rejects it.

- If you really want a big bum

why don't you just go eat 20 burgers or something?

Like in three days eat bear burgers,

like 70 burgers or something.

Your bum will be huge, mate.

- 70? - Yeah, just go on a Billy.

- Can't eat 70 burgers. - 70 quarter pounders,

I read it up on the internet the other day.

You get a massive bum.

- Hello ladies and gentleman,

I'm still here in the studio with fantastic Nanny Pat

and we're about to get on the subject of World War II.

I wanna find out exactly what it was like in those times?

How did you deal with being in a world war?

- I was evacuated wasn't I?

- You were evacuated was you? - Yes.

I had to go by train to Derbyshire, I was three.

- So you were three years old. - Three or four, yeah.

Big gas mask on you, they cut all my hair off.

- What you had long hair?

- I had lovely long ginger hair, curly hair.

And, they used to do that years ago.

They've come from the East End,

they've got fleas and this that and the other.

- If you don't mind me asking,

did you lose any loved ones in the war or any friends or?

- Oh yeah, well, my uncle was in all that.

And then my dad was away, he was in the navy.

And then just as my dad come home out of two years,

my mom died then.

- Really?

- I was 11 when my mom died, yeah.

- That's young, isn't it? - Yeah.

- So you know, when you used to clubbing and raving

and stuff like that, what was your drink?

What did you used to get down your neck?

- Well we never used to go discoing or anything like that.

You only went to a club.

You might have had lager and lime or brown ale, Guinness.

- Brown ale? - Any old ones, yeah.

- No fish bowls or Jager bombs or anything like?

- Oh no, no, no, no, nothing like that whatsoever.

No. - Oh, okay.

[upbeat pop music]

- Does vintage mean old or is it '50s,

sort of, just that's it, 1950s, '40s.

- 1950s, it would be old, wouldn't it.

- Anything old? - Yeah.

- I'm proud of Lyd, she's done well.

- Yeah, I can't wait.

And I was thinking all my family want to get together

for a big Italian meal, sort of thing.

So I was think why don't we do that later on,

after the party.

- Okay.

Did you know that Lydia's mom, Debbie, is half-Italian?

- [Mario] Is she?

- I know you wouldn't think it,

she is not exactly the typical Italian look, like yourself.

But 'cause we are going to their vintage thing,

why don't we invite them?

- That would be good.

We can ask Arg if he wants to come as well.

- Yeah.

- We could even call it a little celebration of the fact

we're moving in together?

And like an initiation into the Falcone family.

- Are you joking me?

- Be like a tribal thing, make you dance around the fire.

- Shut up. [laughing] - I'm joking. [laughs]

- I'd want you to get close to my family,

so you'd always be there for them

and they'll always be there you, sort of thing.

- What do you mean though?

What have I got to do?

- You haven't got to do anything.

I want them to love you like I love you.

So, yeah.

- You're going to have to teach me some Italian before we go

so I can greet your dad, all like.

- You've got to say [speaks in foreign language].

[Lucy speaks in foreign language]

[Mario speaks in foreign language].

[Lucy speaks in foreign language].

- Which means, hello, handsome, how are you?

- I'll say that to your dad.

- You can build a relationship with him,

and obviously Giogie as well.

- Your sister?

- Yes, she is the one to impress.

- Really? - Yeah.

You hurt me, she'll hurt you.

- I'm scared now.

[upbeat bluesy music]

- Aw, let me see, are you ready?

- [Debbie] Yeah I'm ready.

Are you ready though?

Are you ready for me darling?

- I'm ready to see you.

- You look amazing.

- I feel like a Hollywood film star.

Richard Gere is waiting for me outside, Lydia.

- It just looks amazing, the hair, the makeup, the dress.

- Is this 1940s, Lydia?

- Yeah, you've got the over-hair like me,

the Hollywood swoop.

- Loughton High Street, here we come.

It's the next Hollywood.

- From Loughton to L.A.

- Are we ready for he grand opening?

- We are.

- Nobody is going to see an opening like this, darling.

- No, they are not.

- This is going to be, the start of your new life darling

and I'm so proud of you.

- Aw, thanks, Mom.

- I love you lots - I love you too.

- [Lydia] Let's go.

- I think you look good, you look bang on, Chloe.

- Bet half of them won't even make a massive effort.

They'll probably just rock up looking really Essexy still,

and I'll look like a total mug.

- Who else is going to it anyway?

- Arg, Mark, Sam.

- Started dating, ain't they?

- [Chloe] Really?

- Next time he sees me he's gonna explain himself.

It is just a liberty, he should have just told me.

I wouldn't even care.

But now he's done that, it's just like what you doing, mate?

Done it behind my back for?

- Yeah, that's got your back up.

Of course, it would mine an all.

- Do know what I'm saying?

Sam going back to Mark again?

It's embarrassing, mate.

- But like you are over Sam, ain't ya, Joe?

- Yeah, she is going to get jel united though over

me and Cara, big time.

- Do you reckon? - Yeah.

- [Chloe] Do you reckon she will?

- I heard she started going, "Oh, look at them old ladies,"

'cause they're like 23 or whatever.

- Yeah, she did, she said that to me.

- 23's not old, at all.

- No, but in all fairness,

she's still too old for you, I think.

- What you talking about?

- Well normally, like a 24-year-old

would probably go out with at least a 28-year-old

and you are only 21. - That ain't normal,

that's ain't normal.

That's what you think.

- All I am saying is, from a protective point of view,

don't get in another relationship

- Oh my God. - really quick.

- I am not getting into a relationship.

We're going on a date, yeah?

And it's sweet.

- Just don't fall in love with her,

don't move her into the pool house, just date.

- I am not going to fall in love.

- I'm wanna have a little chat with you after your date.

I wanna know where you are going

and I want you home by 10 o'clock.

- After my date, I'm going back to the pool house with Cara.

- Listen, back in the day when people dressed like this,

they would've picked them up, gone out for meal,

dropped them to their doorstep.

Probably not even had a real snog, just like a little kiss.

And then they might not have seen them again

until next week.

But now a days people go on a date, get drunk,

go back to pool houses, have sex, get pregnant.

Next minute we're all in trouble.

- [clicks fingers] Reem. [laughs]

[upbeat jazz music]

- Welcome, to Bella Sorella.

- Take a little sip first, James.

- I am so proud of the both of you, well done.

- Thank you,

Got a gift? - I promise you,

I haven't treated you that much recently.

- Aw, - Let her open

- her own present. - thank you, James.

- Thought I'd treat you, 'cause I am really proud of you.

- Oh, my gosh, James, I absolutely love them.

- [Debbie] You're in her good books now.

- [Lydia] Oh my God, these go with my outfit as well.

- You're in our good books now.

[Arg laughs]

Welcome back.

- Cheers. - Oh, I love it.

- Thank you so much. - Oh, I love you so much.

I'm so proud of you.

- I love it.

Aw, you look amazing.

- Hi! - Thanks for coming.

- [Sam] Congratulations.

[swanky jazz music]

- Thank you. - Check you out.

- Oh you look lovely

Look at you two.

Oh, you look amazing guys. - Likewise.

- [speaks in foreign language], Mario.

[Mario speaks in foreign language]

[Lydia clapping] [Lydia cheering]

- What are yous doing later on?

- We was going to just to party on down here, Mario.

- Do you fancy coming for a big Italian meal,

instead, with my family?

- That would be amazing!

- You're with me.

- I'm with Mario tonight.

Luce, sorry,

but you are off the table tonight,

I'm with Mario. - Yeah, sorry mate.

- Ding, ding, ding, everyone.

Please silence, I have got my first customer.

- I would like to purchase a cupcake please.

- Okay, that is

[cash register dinging]

Two pound 50, please.

- Cheers everyone, Bella Sorella!

[everyone cheering]

[cork popping]

[everyone applauds] [everyone cheering]

- Champagne and cakes for everyone.

[everyone applauds] [everyone cheering]

- How have you been?

- All right, thanks.

Heard you've been seeing Mark, haven't you?

- We had a really good day.

And I do get on really well with him,

so we just had a laugh.

- I said to Mark,

you're obviously you're a good choice for him

'cause you have always got on together.

And he's always said, "I always have fun with Sam."

And so I said "Well, try it and see what happens."

- [Sam] Yeah.

- I am not being funny right,

don't you think Sam is the spitting image of Carol

when she was younger.

- Yes, and do you know what so many people say that as well.

Must go to show that Mark must go for women

that look like his mom. - Yeah, look like his mom.

- Carol will be happy

because I think she really does like Sam.

- Yeah, she does.

- And Sam is gonna look like Carol when she gets older,

so at least Mark will know what he is getting.

- Yeah. [laughs]

- When I spoke to him he was basically saying

that him and Lauren know that its not right

and it's unhealthy and stuff like that.

- But I am just pleased that he just finally found someone

to have fun with for a little while.

- Yeah, think we'll have fun, think It'll be fun.

- You'll have to come over for dinner then.

- Aw, I'd love to, with Nanny Pat. [laughing]

- She can do the dinner.

- Yeah, I'll jut bring around the Champagne. [laughing]

[swanky jazz music]

- Whats has Carol been saying to Sam?

- I don't know, I think I over heard her say, you know,

"Come, get to know the family, come round at anytime."

I feel like 10 years of my life

I've have been a part of that family,

tried to make an effort and it just really hurts me.

- 'Cause you think Carol's

encouraging him and Sam a little bit?

- I haven't got a clue.

- I wish Joey was here today though, where is he?

- I don't know, I think he's gone on a date.

- Does he know about, 'Manth and Mark going on a date?

- Yeah, I don't think he was impressed,

but it's not gonna be easy.

- No. - No.

- What guy is gonna be impressed about that?

If I weren't friends with Sam, already,

then I would've thought "What fucking liberty,"

it would've pissed me off.

If Joey was here, I'd want to protect him

so then my back would go up. - Yeah, yeah.

Naturally, yeah. - So I'm a bit like.

Do you know what I mean? - 100%.

That's how you should be.

- It's good in here, init?

- You know what, Mark, I've gotta admit,

I am proper proud of her.

She's worked hard, she's has done it all by herself.

You know, when I first walked in here

I actually got a bit of a lump in my throat.

- When they said vintage I went right,

guaranteed, don't care what colour he's wearing,

that man Arg will wear a dicky bow.

Yeah but I wore a hat, you've told me to go vintage--

- Shall we go some chimney sweeping? [laughs]

- I've gone OTT.

You're dressing as vintage,

you've just changed your jumper and wore a stupid dicky bow.

- [Lauren] I couldn't do it.

- Couldn't do what?

- Go with someone that has just come out of an engagement.

Slept with another girl, trying to break up them.

- I wouldn't want to get involved in something so deep.

- I know, me either.

- Especially when he's still messaging you and ringing you

all the time. - Yeah.

- Looks really nice, doesn't it, in here.

Like, all the clothes.

- I was looking at all the stuff.

When I move out I'm definitely going to come here and

get some bits for the house. - All right girls?

All right, Bill, can I just have a word with Sam?

- Yeah, 'course can. - Thank you.

- [Sam] See you in sec.

- You all right, how are you?

- Good. - Yeah, good.

I just wanted to come over here and just say

I appreciate you talking to me the other day about

Mark asked you on a date, whatever.

But, just, I was completely shocked and a bit upset

just because it's like,

'cause I feel like we are friends now,

I feel like it's gonna be in my face.

And I just wanna know what is going on

and if anything is happening?

What happened?

Did you go, obviously you went.

And then what happened? - Yeah.

Gonna be completely honest here.

As terms of kissing, nothing happened.

- Okay.

- What do you reckon they are talking about?

- Don't know, they might be mentioning me.

I mean, I know they spoke the other day.

- Well how's things going?

- There's nothing in it, me and Sam have a bit of banter,

we tell each other we like each other

and it's all harmless and we get on well.

It's just nice spending time with somebody

who you know well, you know?

It's someone I can spend time with,

but there is nothing in it yet.

- No, not yet.

- And I've still got feelings for him.

- [Sam] Yeah.

- And I feel it does still upset and hurt me,

I don't wanna see it.

I just wanted to know what was going on,

if anything has happened.

- No, nothing happened. - And if it did,

I'd want you to tell me.

[upbeat music]

- Oh my god, there's flowers.

- [Billie] Ah, who are they for?

- Sam.

- Sam, who are these from?

- "To you, for our very special friendship.

"Seeing as you say I have never taken you out,

"tonight is payback.

"P.s. this is not a date."

[both laughing]

That's Mark, isn't it, definitely.

Oh my God, he sent me flowers.

- Shame they weren't a bigger bunch.

[both laughing]

[upbeat music]

- Surprise. [laughing]

- Are we parking here or is this where we are really going?

- Don't take the piss, Hollywood Bowl.

Can't get better than Hollywood can you?

- Ah, here's the reem machine. [laughing]

- You all right, Joey.

- [Billi] Cara, look where we are, Hollywood Bowl.

- You like Hollywood, don't you girls?

- This is one date we've not been on.

- Are we just parking here or are we actually going in here?

- We are going in here girls, what's wrong with it?

Come on let's go.

You Ready?

Joey, we're back again.

Come on girls, let's go.

- I can't believe we're at bowling.

- [Kirk] What's wrong with it?

[upbeat jazz music]

- Ciao. - Ciao!

- Hello everyone, [speaks in foreign language].

Welcome to this evening,

to introduce Lucy to our way of life,

And to celebrate Mario success in life.

So let's have a good drink and a good dinner.

- [Everyone] Salute.

- [Mario Snr] Salute.

[women speaks in foreign language]

- You must be so proud of Mario.

- Yes, he done all right.

- He's such a lovely boy. - He done all right.

- And Lucy's a nice young lady.

- [Debbie] Lucy is a lovely

and she is very lucky to have Mario.

- Why you so quiet Mario?

- It's all quite overwhelming, isn't it?

- Yeah.

- Do you know what I mean? - It is, Lucy with parents.

- Lucy with the parents.

I'm getting my own place.

- Yeah. - Moving in.

- I still look after him.

I still do his washing, his ironing.

- I don't agree that you should,

I think he should do it by himself.

- Why? - What did Donna say

mom has to do for you.

What has Lucy got to do for Mario?

- What's a Italian woman supposed to do for a man?

- You've got to look after him, you've got to cook for him.

- Could you imagine Lucy doing that?

- [Mario Snr] Wash for him.

- Wash! - Wash!

- Be ready for him at any time?

[everyone laughing]

- Are you willing to have lots of children.

Because of the tradition of the Italians having 12 children.

- We had a bit of a scare the other day though, to be fair.

- [Debbie] Who?

- Me and Lucy. - Shut up!

- Shut up! - No!

- But don't worry it was just a bug in the end.

Bug or a bit of wind or something like that,

but it was fine. - What did he say?

- Yeah, we had a scare the other day.

- Did you?

- And everyone jumped to the wrong conclusion,

I was just being sick but it didn't mean that,

and it's not, don't worry.

- She thought she was pregnant, Kim.

You was gonna be a grandmother.

- I'd love to be a grandma.

- Let's reiterate the fact it was a bug.

[upbeat music]

- What other men do you know,

bring you to classy restaurant like this,

shut down the kitchen and to teach you to cook.

- It is actually really nice of you.

I didn't think you think you'd think of something like this.

But I'm really sorry, I can't cook.

- That's why I'm here to teach you.

We are gonna do a fish stew.

[Sam laughing]

Now handle this beauty, eh. - Oh my god, oh.

What is that? [laughs]

- That is a cod.

[Sam groans] - Sam, just touch it.

- No, the feeling of it is horrible.

- So what, look, feels like a booby.

And you gotta start learning now, eh?

Come on girl. - But I'm not bringing

fish home.

- You don't even wanna touch it, look.

- This is not even a date,

why would you want me to cook for you?

What you planning on marrying me or something?

- [laughing] Look at you finding the hints.

- We're gonna go a mackerel. - Oh, wow, what is that?

- It looks nice. - It's a Mackerel.

[upbeat music]

- [gasps] No, I don't wanna touch his mouth.

[Mark groans]

- [groans] Look at that bit coming out.

- That should be a very easy task for you.

- Nothing's easy with an Essex girl, Steve.

- Not impressed with this - Stop pointing that

- date. - knife towards me.

- Woo, yeah!

[pins clattering]

Don't throw it, now roll it.

Fucking hell.

Aim for the middle.

- You're putting me off.

- Don't just bounce it.

Just do it so it rolls. - You are meant to be

on my team.

- I'm on, I'm tryna help you out.

- Okay.

[upbeat music]

[all giggling]

- Joey's got camel toe. [laughing]

- Wait, there you go.

- He's actually got camel toe.

- [Joey] No, I ain't.

- Are you having a good time?

- [Cara] Yeah, no, we are enjoying ourselves.

- You are both smiling. - Yeah.

- Go on then, kiss.

- [Everyone] Ciao.

- Luce, she's gotta have some Italian in her,

I mean she is absolutely stunning, beautiful.

- You'll have some Italian in you tonight though. [laughing]

- [Lydia] James!

- [laughs] Sorry.

- James. - I'm sorry

- Why have you always gotta lower the tone

of the conversation? - Such a crude comment.

- It's a small bit of banter, come on.

- Lucy, are you pleased you'll be joining my family?

- We're not getting married, we're moving in together.

- I know.

- Luce, you're very lucky young lady, do you know that?

- I think she is, Debb.

No, seriously, Debbie, I think she is.

- Thing is I've never had a proper close family

and it's nice to be part of a close family.

'Cause I've never had it, so.

- [Mario Snr] So welcome to our family

then Lucy. - Honestly.

- To Lucy's new family. - Yeah.

- I've not no drink! - To Lucy.

- Lucy's new family. - There we go.

- Cheers. - Cheers!

[glasses clinking]

- I might go for the soup that you cooked.

- Yeah, you should.

- [Mark] I've got to ain't I?

- Yeah, 'course.

- Cheers, anyway.

- Cheers, friends.

[Mark laughing]

- With benefits.

- What? - I'm joking. [laughing]

- So, seriously, you say you're taking me out as friends.

But what do you mean,

'cause you are doing quite a lot of nice things for me.

Considering it's not a date. - Yeah, but as I said to you.

I've always had feelings for you, I still have.

I get on with you so well

and I just wanna spend some time with you again.

And I didn't say we are just friends and that's it,

it could lead into something.

- Are yous like proper Essex girls, are you?

- I know exactly what you two are gonna say. [laughing]

- Have yous had like plastic surgery and that?

Don't be shy about it.

- That's a bit of a personal question.

- I like fake boobs, I call them better boobs.

- Yeah, better ain't they, bigger.

- Does that mean you have been looking at our boobs?

- 95% of girls in Essex

have got them. - I've been looking at yours.

Pretty hard not to, sorry.

I'm surprised you don't - Now, you wanted

- fall over. - to get them out today

by the looks of things.

- I reckon you will be taller lying down, to be honest.

[women giggling]

- Hopefully you will be, as well.

- I will, I will. [women giggling]

Yeah, I've had a nose job.

- Yeah, I'd like a nose job.

Joey would you ever have surgery?

- Would I have it? - Yeah.

- Depends, have I got any bad features?

- No, babe.

[Joey laughing]

- When you see me, or when you think of me,

or when you talk to me, do I make you happy?

- Yeah.

- Like, do you get that nervous butterfly around me,

like "Ah, it's Mark," sort of thing.

Or is it like, "Oh, it's Mark."

- I don't get, like "Oh my God, here's Mark," like, quiver.

But let's say we're in a nightclub and you are there,

yeah, I suppose so.

Why? - Just wondered.

- [Sam] Why, do you?

- Yeah, if I go to a club and you are there,

it does make me feel homely.

It's like "Ah, Sam's there," you know?

- What do you mean, though, homely?

- I don't know.

The way I feel about you it's like,

you just can't explain it.

It's weird.

I think you are like the girl version of me.

- What do you mean? - Well, like,

we are too alike, it's scary.

I've told you a few times,

"Babe, I love you," when I'm drunk.

You done this, "Mark, I need to see you."

Middle of the day, sat in the car.

- But you, say it every time you are drunk,

because do you know what it is?

You're a bit of a coward inside

and you can't admit your true feelings.

That's why you don't say it

and you say it when you are drunk.

- Why did you say you loved with me?

- Maybe because I just thought in my head

that you was going to be with Lauren forever,

and I thought if I don't say it now I would never say it.

Do you know what I mean? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It is nice to finally come out though

and actually have a nice dinner

and be somewhere a bit romantic.

- It's lovely.

- Who knows where it will take us.

- So right, you had a good day, yeah?

- Yeah, it was good man.

It was good, what do you think of the girls?

- What did you think of the girls?

I mean they are both all right, aren't they?

Both nice girls, do you know what I'm saying?

- Yeah, but I don't know.

See, I like Billi but she ain't my type.

I feel horrible.

Like, actually, I feel horrible.

- But what's wrong with a bit of fun though for you?

What's wrong with that?

- "Cause I don't wanna do that no more, a bit of fun.

- I'm 21, you're 23, - No, no I don't want a bit

- they're 24. - fun no more.

- We are in our 20s mate.

We are in our 20s, it's a bit of fun, mate.

- But you fancy her mate, so I'll just chat to the mate.

"Oh hello, how you doing, you all right, you sweet?

"Cool."

While you'll cracking on with Cara giving it,

"Yeah, yeah, look at my camel toe."

[Joey laughs]

Right, shall we ask them if they wanna go out

for a bit of food?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Sweet, cool, it's been good though ain't it?

Oi, come and have a look at my mate's camel toe.

[women chuckling]

[gentle music]

- I mean it's really hard

when someone comes in to your family, isn't it?

'Cause you have really high expectations for your children.

[everyone laughing]

[Debbie speaks in foreign language]

- Mom!

- What does that mean? - It means--

- She said that I came home with you.

[everyone laughing]

- [Arg] She did come home with me.

- [Kim] Debbie, are you disappointed in Arg then?

[everyone yelling] [everyone laughing]

- Awkward.

- [Debbie] No, I mean, he has grown on me. [laughs]

- Tell us the truth, Deb,

would you love me to end up with your daughter, yes or no?

And be honest.

- I just want Lydia to be happy. [laughs]

- And do I make your daughter happy?

- No, James. [everyone laughing]

All you do is make her cry, screaming, shouting.

No, I just want her to be happy.

I mean, you must admit, James,

I have had to put up with a lot of shit with you

really, haven't I?

I mean, really, I have.

There isn't many mother-in-laws

that would put up with what I put up with, is there?

[singing in foreign language]

- I had a really good night tonight, anyway.

- Me too, this is the part where I love you and leave you.

- What you saying, you love me?

- [laughs] I'll see you later on, yeah.

- Okay then, see you later.

- [Narrator] Next time on "The Only Way Is Essex"

Will Lucy settle in to the Falcone family way?

- You've got to look after him.

You've got to cook for him, was for him.

Be ready for him anytime.

[everyone laughing]

- [Narrator] Will Joey ever wear clothes that actually fit?

[everyone laughing]

- Joey's got camel toe.

- [Narrator] And will Mark ever get though Sam's front door?

Who knows, these people are real and anything can happen

on "The Only Way is Essex".

[upbeat music]