All language subtitles for The.Only.Way.Is.Essex.S03E09.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP2.0.H.264-SLAG_track4_[eng]

fake boobs and a bad case of
camel toe.

The tans you see might be fake

but the people are all real,

although some of what
they do has been set up

purely for your entertainment.

Previously on, "The Only Way is
Essex".

[Mark laughing]

- You're telling me that Sam
and Mark are gonna a date?

Oh my God.

- It feels all right.
- Compromise, though,

that's what moving in
together is about, compromise.

[Mark chuckling]
[upbeat music]

- If this was a date,

I suppose I'd be leaning
over kissing you right now.

- Yeah, but it's not a date, is
it?

[gentle piano music]

- What do you think of that?

- You're really good mate.

- It's how I relax.

You know I got a temper anyway.

- [Joey] How do you mean?

- Like, instead of me arguing
with people all the time now,

I just sit here and try and make
a song.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- You've got to show it to
Billi, mate.

- I don't think she'd be
interested in that, will she?

- Do you reckon they've got fake
boobs?

- I've been looking at Billi's
boobs,

not in a rude way, but, whoa,
they're big.

I was thinking, you know what,

if someone throws me in the
pool, I would take her with me.

She'll keep me afloat,
do you know what I mean?

But they're nice, anyway,
boobs or no boobs,

they're sweet girls
and they make me laugh.

- That's why I like them, do you
know why?

'Cause they come, yeah,

they don't care about
what everyone else thinks.

'Cause, obviously, every
other girl is gonna hate 'em.

- Yeah.
- So why don't you get

Billi round here, let her
sit here and say "Listen,

"relax, relax," and I
guarantee it'll impress her.

'Cause I wanna impress
Cara by playing a guitar,

but I can't play it.

- Did that impress you when I
play?

- A lot, yeah, it's good, it's
good.

- [Kirk] Yeah, but I'm just
different.

- I don't know, I think
piano's a bit of a weird thing,

like you'd have it in like a
haunted house or something.

[piano clanging]

[kirk laughing]

[ominous piano music]

Don't do that, seriously.

[upbeat music]

- [Lydia] Mom, I'm so looking
forward

to the grand opening of Bella
Sorella.

- [Debbie] Listen.

I'm vintage enough to not go
with the outfit, aren't I?

- But that's the theme, Mom.

- [Debbie] Yeah, but I'm
vintage!

I'm 50 years of age, I'm
vintage.

- It doesn't matter if you're
old,

it doesn't matter if you're
young,

you've got to put the effort in.

- [Debbie] Are you ready?

- Yeah.

Oh my god, mom, you can not wear
that!

- You said vintage, Lyds!

What you laughing at? [laughs]

Lydia, what?

- No.
- You're gonna have to

choose something yourself.
- I'm gonna have to choose

something for you, mom.

This isn't very nice.
- Oh, hold on,

this is a little bit tight.
[laughs]

- This is a bit, this is
a bit too young I think.

- I thought I looked fantastic
but if that's all right.

- I'll get you changed,
I'll be able to choose

a nice little outfit for ya.
- So, what do you think?

- We have to deal with what
we've got I am afraid, Mom.

- How about the pink one then?
- But I really want

everyone else to make loads of
effort.

I want everyone to take off the
fake tan,

I want everyone to go
from orange to porcelain,

I want them all to have
like big bounced curly hair.

- But, we're talking
about the girls in Essex.

- I know, but I really want
them all to go all out,

and make loads of effort.
- Well, do you think

they're take all of their fake
tan off?

- I think they will.

I think they'll, I think
they'll strip back,

and they'll do it for the theme.

- How about James, what is he
wearing?

- Don't know.

I'm thinking he's probably
gonna be like, Dicky bow, tux.

- So boring, normal.

- Arg's normal--

- Normal, normal, not making an
effort.

[Lydia laughing]

- I can't take you serious
looking at you

with the rollers in. [laughs]

- So, what do you reckon about
Lauren?

You're goin' out with Billi,

do you reckon she's gonna get
jealous, or something, or not?

- Nah, man, we're over, we've
been split up for ages now.

Like, we both--

- Yeah, but she still got
feelings for you ain't she?

- Yeah but, everyone's still
got feelings for each other.

- Yeah, yeah.

- You know, I wanna move on.

Hopefully she does as well.

So, what about you now, though?

'Cause, with Sam and Mark,
they're goin' on a date.

- No, I they skiing though.
- So, you're all right though?

- Yeah, sweet.

- We should just both be grown
up about it

and both see different girls.
- Yeah of course.

- And just get over it, yeah?

- Let 'em crack on, I don't give
a shit.

- Don't worry about anyone else
man, it's all about us now.

- Woo!

[upbeat music]
[singing in foreign language]

- "When we're feeling down,

"to lighten up about bad
feelings,

"imagine bad feels as
wild horses you climb on.

"If you climbed on them,
you can climb off them too.

"You can choose to get off that
horse

"as fast at you jumped on it."

Well that sums me up with the
diet.

I tried it, it was hard bloody
work.

- That books too educational for
me,

and I don't really get it.

[Gemma laughing]

Girls, guess what?

- What?
- What?

- I've met someone.

- Who?

- Who?

What, you didn't tell me!

- I met a boy called Kurt.

- Kirk?

- No, Kurt.

- Kurt.
- Imagine it was Kirk.

[Sam laughing]

No, it's not, it's not.

- So tell us more.
- Kurt.

I really like him and he's
really boyfriend material.

- Right.

- We've always had a little text

but it's got to the stage
now where we've text,

have met up a couple of times.
- Oh my god.

Harry, how old is he?

- 24.

- What color's his hair?
- Brown.

- Is he fit?
- Really fit.

- Does he drive?
- Yeah, he does drive.

- [gasps] He ticks all the
boxes.

- Ticks all the boxes.

- [Sam] I wanna meet Kurt.

- Definitely.
- So do I.

- I'm gonna bring him to
SugarHut.

- [Sam] You look really happy.

- Can't believe I have
to come all the way here.

You know, I'm too much of a good
friend.

I've literally been your
chauffeur

for six years.
- Shut up.

- I even drive to a radio
station.

- [Arg] What friends are for,
init it?

- Oh, stop whinging.
- What being your chauffeur?

Is that reason why you're
friends with me?

- Look, I have to start this
radio stuff

and I just really appreciate
both your support today.

- You nervous about being
interviewed by him then?

- Well, yeah, I am in a way.

- Obviously, the reason why
I chose Nanny Pat is because

you probably could, no offence,

you probably could relate to--

- To some of them.

Yeah, cause I'm an old girl.
- Exactly, yeah.

- Interviews a whole new kettle
of fish.

- New thing, yeah.

- I wanna be a cross between
Parkinson.

Have the intellect of Parkinson

and then have the comedy of
Jonathan Ross.

- Oh right, right, yeah.
[Mark laughing]

- But I need to get going then
if--

- Argent, relax yourself,
you're not Jonathan Ross.

You are James Argent of
Buckhurst Hill,

who is interviewing old
people in a hospital.

- Yeah.
[Mark laughing]

[upbeat music]

- [Cara] Loving your jumper
and shirt combination today.

- Do you?
- Yeah, I love it.

- Sparkly.

What do you think of Joey?

- Joey isn't my usual,

what I'd say is my typical
fella, what I'd go for.

But all the things that I
sort of thought that maybe

I wouldn't like about
Joey, I do like about Joey.

- Like what?

- Well we all know Joey's not
really the

brightest star in the sky.
[Billi laughing]

And I thought that would be
- That's

- unattractive.
- nicest way to put it.

- When actually I, sort of, I
don't know,

find it a little bit attractive.

[phone ringing]

- [Cara] Who's that?

- It's Kirk.

- Read it, let me read it.
- Oh my God.

- Let me read it.

- Read it.

- "Hello babe, I think
it's time I take you out

"and show you how I roll.

"Me and Joey have a surprise,
we'll pick you and Cara up.

"What are you saying?"

[both laughing]

[upbeat jazz music]

- Ladies and gentleman, the
queen of Essex, Nanny Pat!

Hello Nanny Pat.

- Hello James, how are you?

- I'm very well thank you and
how are you?

- I'm all right, thank you.

- To friends and family
you're known as Nanny Pat,

but in fact, what is your real
name?

- Pat.

- Yeah.

Now what I would've noticed
Nanny Pat,

have you ever been to
the hospital yourself?

- Yeah, only once.

- You've been once?

- Once, I was in hospital,
I had me appendix out.

- Out of interest, when
you were in hospital

did you have hospital radio?

Did you have people like, James,
Arg, Argent cheering you up

and playing songs?
- No, no, no, no, no.

No, no.

Didn't have any radio
whatsoever.

- And if you could go back

to when you was having
your appendix taken out,

would you have liked someone
like James, Arg, Argent

to talk to you and play songs
and--

- Oh yeah, yeah.

'Cause it'll keep you going,
wouldn't it?

But I mean them day's,

you just laid in bed and that
was it.

'Case you broke the stitches
open.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Bloody hell.

[upbeat funky music]

- [Chloe] What do you
think about this one, Joe?

- Yeah, I think it's nice,
but the only thing is,

it's a bit too mustardy init?

The colours of it.

Obviously in 1940s, 1950s

they wore more darker
colours, didn't they?

They didn't know what light
colours were,

They didn't have the colour
yellow.

Didn't have it, weren't
invented.

[Chloe laughing]

- It wasn't, Joe, it's just--

- Just because all the
photos are black and white,

don't mean they had black and
white clothes on all the time.

- Yeah, but all their movies
were always black and white,

so they all used to
wear really dark stuff.

[Chloe laughing]

- I'm not really a vintage kind
of girl

so I really don't know what to
wear.

I don't think they had Essex
girls when it was vintage days.

I don't even think Essex was
invented.

- It was. [laughing]
- Yeah.

- Well, then, there
would've been nothing here.

Have you not seen photos
of this area before?

There was nothing here.

It was just like a church and
then loads of fields and then,

- A pub?
- this would've been a hill.

Do you know what I mean?

But, look, these hats are
definitely what they used to
wear,

I'm sure.

- Who would wear that hat these
days?

You've got to wear something
that ain't fashionable at all,

like e.g. this.

- They're well in fashion.

- They're well in fashion, you
nutter.

- I just bought that the other
day.

I didn't buy that to be vintage,

I bought that to be in fashion.

- Well I think that's
disgusting. [laughs]

[Frankie laughing]

- Try it on, Joe.

- Let's see Joey in it.

- Oh, [laughing] you
look, reem in that Joe.

That really suits you.

You've got the perfect head for
that.

- [Joey] I'm not wearing that.

- What's going on about
your bum implants, anyway?

- Oh, I don't know.

I was hoping they was
gonna say that they could,

you know when they take your
fat and put it in your bum?

- Yeah.

- I was hoping they was gonna
say that but he said you can't

and you can't use other peoples
fat

because your body rejects it.

- If you really want a big bum

why don't you just go eat
20 burgers or something?

Like in three days eat bear
burgers,

like 70 burgers or something.

Your bum will be huge, mate.

- 70?
- Yeah, just go on a Billy.

- Can't eat 70 burgers.
- 70 quarter pounders,

I read it up on the
internet the other day.

You get a massive bum.

- Hello ladies and gentleman,

I'm still here in the studio
with fantastic Nanny Pat

and we're about to get on
the subject of World War II.

I wanna find out exactly what
it was like in those times?

How did you deal with
being in a world war?

- I was evacuated wasn't I?

- You were evacuated was you?
- Yes.

I had to go by train to
Derbyshire, I was three.

- So you were three years old.
- Three or four, yeah.

Big gas mask on you,
they cut all my hair off.

- What you had long hair?

- I had lovely long
ginger hair, curly hair.

And, they used to do that years
ago.

They've come from the East End,

they've got fleas and
this that and the other.

- If you don't mind me asking,

did you lose any loved ones
in the war or any friends or?

- Oh yeah, well, my uncle was in
all that.

And then my dad was
away, he was in the navy.

And then just as my dad
come home out of two years,

my mom died then.

- Really?

- I was 11 when my mom died,
yeah.

- That's young, isn't it?
- Yeah.

- So you know, when you
used to clubbing and raving

and stuff like that, what was
your drink?

What did you used to get down
your neck?

- Well we never used to go
discoing or anything like that.

You only went to a club.

You might have had lager and
lime or brown ale, Guinness.

- Brown ale?
- Any old ones, yeah.

- No fish bowls or Jager
bombs or anything like?

- Oh no, no, no, no, nothing
like that whatsoever.

No.
- Oh, okay.

[upbeat pop music]

- Does vintage mean old or is it
'50s,

sort of, just that's it, 1950s,
'40s.

- 1950s, it would be old,
wouldn't it.

- Anything old?
- Yeah.

- I'm proud of Lyd, she's done
well.

- Yeah, I can't wait.

And I was thinking all my
family want to get together

for a big Italian meal, sort of
thing.

So I was think why don't
we do that later on,

after the party.

- Okay.

Did you know that Lydia's
mom, Debbie, is half-Italian?

- [Mario] Is she?

- I know you wouldn't think it,

she is not exactly the typical
Italian look, like yourself.

But 'cause we are going
to their vintage thing,

why don't we invite them?

- That would be good.

We can ask Arg if he
wants to come as well.

- Yeah.

- We could even call it a
little celebration of the fact

we're moving in together?

And like an initiation
into the Falcone family.

- Are you joking me?

- Be like a tribal thing, make
you dance around the fire.

- Shut up. [laughing]
- I'm joking. [laughs]

- I'd want you to get close to
my family,

so you'd always be there for
them

and they'll always be
there you, sort of thing.

- What do you mean though?

What have I got to do?

- You haven't got to do
anything.

I want them to love you like I
love you.

So, yeah.

- You're going to have to teach
me some Italian before we go

so I can greet your dad, all
like.

- You've got to say [speaks
in foreign language].

[Lucy speaks in foreign
language]

[Mario speaks in foreign
language].

[Lucy speaks in foreign
language].

- Which means, hello,
handsome, how are you?

- I'll say that to your dad.

- You can build a relationship
with him,

and obviously Giogie as well.

- Your sister?

- Yes, she is the one to
impress.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You hurt me, she'll hurt you.

- I'm scared now.

[upbeat bluesy music]

- Aw, let me see, are you ready?

- [Debbie] Yeah I'm ready.

Are you ready though?

Are you ready for me darling?

- I'm ready to see you.

- You look amazing.

- I feel like a Hollywood film
star.

Richard Gere is waiting
for me outside, Lydia.

- It just looks amazing, the
hair, the makeup, the dress.

- Is this 1940s, Lydia?

- Yeah, you've got the over-hair
like me,

the Hollywood swoop.

- Loughton High Street, here we
come.

It's the next Hollywood.

- From Loughton to L.A.

- Are we ready for he grand
opening?

- We are.

- Nobody is going to see an
opening like this, darling.

- No, they are not.

- This is going to be, the
start of your new life darling

and I'm so proud of you.

- Aw, thanks, Mom.

- I love you lots
- I love you too.

- [Lydia] Let's go.

- I think you look good,
you look bang on, Chloe.

- Bet half of them won't
even make a massive effort.

They'll probably just rock up
looking really Essexy still,

and I'll look like a total mug.

- Who else is going to it
anyway?

- Arg, Mark, Sam.

- Started dating, ain't they?

- [Chloe] Really?

- Next time he sees me
he's gonna explain himself.

It is just a liberty, he
should have just told me.

I wouldn't even care.

But now he's done that, it's
just like what you doing, mate?

Done it behind my back for?

- Yeah, that's got your back up.

Of course, it would mine an all.

- Do know what I'm saying?

Sam going back to Mark again?

It's embarrassing, mate.

- But like you are over
Sam, ain't ya, Joe?

- Yeah, she is going to
get jel united though over

me and Cara, big time.

- Do you reckon?
- Yeah.

- [Chloe] Do you reckon she
will?

- I heard she started going,
"Oh, look at them old ladies,"

'cause they're like 23 or
whatever.

- Yeah, she did, she said that
to me.

- 23's not old, at all.

- No, but in all fairness,

she's still too old for you, I
think.

- What you talking about?

- Well normally, like a
24-year-old

would probably go out with
at least a 28-year-old

and you are only 21.
- That ain't normal,

that's ain't normal.

That's what you think.

- All I am saying is, from
a protective point of view,

don't get in another
relationship

- Oh my God.
- really quick.

- I am not getting into a
relationship.

We're going on a date, yeah?

And it's sweet.

- Just don't fall in love with
her,

don't move her into the
pool house, just date.

- I am not going to fall in
love.

- I'm wanna have a little
chat with you after your date.

I wanna know where you are going

and I want you home by 10
o'clock.

- After my date, I'm going back
to the pool house with Cara.

- Listen, back in the day
when people dressed like this,

they would've picked them
up, gone out for meal,

dropped them to their doorstep.

Probably not even had a real
snog, just like a little kiss.

And then they might not
have seen them again

until next week.

But now a days people
go on a date, get drunk,

go back to pool houses,
have sex, get pregnant.

Next minute we're all in
trouble.

- [clicks fingers] Reem.
[laughs]

[upbeat jazz music]

- Welcome, to Bella Sorella.

- Take a little sip first,
James.

- I am so proud of the
both of you, well done.

- Thank you,

Got a gift?
- I promise you,

I haven't treated you that much
recently.

- Aw,
- Let her open

- her own present.
- thank you, James.

- Thought I'd treat you, 'cause
I am really proud of you.

- Oh, my gosh, James,
I absolutely love them.

- [Debbie] You're in her good
books now.

- [Lydia] Oh my God, these
go with my outfit as well.

- You're in our good books now.

[Arg laughs]

Welcome back.

- Cheers.
- Oh, I love it.

- Thank you so much.
- Oh, I love you so much.

I'm so proud of you.

- I love it.

Aw, you look amazing.

- Hi!
- Thanks for coming.

- [Sam] Congratulations.

[swanky jazz music]

- Thank you.
- Check you out.

- Oh you look lovely

Look at you two.

Oh, you look amazing guys.
- Likewise.

- [speaks in foreign language],
Mario.

[Mario speaks in foreign
language]

[Lydia clapping]
[Lydia cheering]

- What are yous doing later on?

- We was going to just to
party on down here, Mario.

- Do you fancy coming
for a big Italian meal,

instead, with my family?

- That would be amazing!

- You're with me.

- I'm with Mario tonight.

Luce, sorry,

but you are off the table
tonight,

I'm with Mario.
- Yeah, sorry mate.

- Ding, ding, ding, everyone.

Please silence, I have
got my first customer.

- I would like to
purchase a cupcake please.

- Okay, that is

[cash register dinging]

Two pound 50, please.

- Cheers everyone, Bella
Sorella!

[everyone cheering]

[cork popping]

[everyone applauds]
[everyone cheering]

- Champagne and cakes for
everyone.

[everyone applauds]
[everyone cheering]

- How have you been?

- All right, thanks.

Heard you've been seeing
Mark, haven't you?

- We had a really good day.

And I do get on really well with
him,

so we just had a laugh.

- I said to Mark,

you're obviously you're
a good choice for him

'cause you have always got on
together.

And he's always said, "I
always have fun with Sam."

And so I said "Well, try
it and see what happens."

- [Sam] Yeah.

- I am not being funny right,

don't you think Sam is the
spitting image of Carol

when she was younger.

- Yes, and do you know what so
many people say that as well.

Must go to show that
Mark must go for women

that look like his mom.
- Yeah, look like his mom.

- Carol will be happy

because I think she really does
like Sam.

- Yeah, she does.

- And Sam is gonna look like
Carol when she gets older,

so at least Mark will
know what he is getting.

- Yeah. [laughs]

- When I spoke to him
he was basically saying

that him and Lauren
know that its not right

and it's unhealthy and stuff
like that.

- But I am just pleased that
he just finally found someone

to have fun with for a little
while.

- Yeah, think we'll have
fun, think It'll be fun.

- You'll have to come
over for dinner then.

- Aw, I'd love to, with
Nanny Pat. [laughing]

- She can do the dinner.

- Yeah, I'll jut bring around
the Champagne. [laughing]

[swanky jazz music]

- Whats has Carol been saying to
Sam?

- I don't know, I think I
over heard her say, you know,

"Come, get to know the family,
come round at anytime."

I feel like 10 years of my life

I've have been a part of that
family,

tried to make an effort and
it just really hurts me.

- 'Cause you think Carol's

encouraging him and Sam a little
bit?

- I haven't got a clue.

- I wish Joey was here
today though, where is he?

- I don't know, I think
he's gone on a date.

- Does he know about, 'Manth
and Mark going on a date?

- Yeah, I don't think he was
impressed,

but it's not gonna be easy.

- No.
- No.

- What guy is gonna be
impressed about that?

If I weren't friends with Sam,
already,

then I would've thought
"What fucking liberty,"

it would've pissed me off.

If Joey was here, I'd want to
protect him

so then my back would go up.
- Yeah, yeah.

Naturally, yeah.
- So I'm a bit like.

Do you know what I mean?
- 100%.

That's how you should be.

- It's good in here, init?

- You know what, Mark, I've
gotta admit,

I am proper proud of her.

She's worked hard, she's
has done it all by herself.

You know, when I first walked in
here

I actually got a bit
of a lump in my throat.

- When they said vintage I went
right,

guaranteed, don't care
what colour he's wearing,

that man Arg will wear a dicky
bow.

Yeah but I wore a hat, you've
told me to go vintage--

- Shall we go some
chimney sweeping? [laughs]

- I've gone OTT.

You're dressing as vintage,

you've just changed your jumper
and wore a stupid dicky bow.

- [Lauren] I couldn't do it.

- Couldn't do what?

- Go with someone that has
just come out of an engagement.

Slept with another girl,
trying to break up them.

- I wouldn't want to get
involved in something so deep.

- I know, me either.

- Especially when he's still
messaging you and ringing you

all the time.
- Yeah.

- Looks really nice, doesn't it,
in here.

Like, all the clothes.

- I was looking at all the
stuff.

When I move out I'm definitely
going to come here and

get some bits for the house.
- All right girls?

All right, Bill, can I
just have a word with Sam?

- Yeah, 'course can.
- Thank you.

- [Sam] See you in sec.

- You all right, how are you?

- Good.
- Yeah, good.

I just wanted to come
over here and just say

I appreciate you talking
to me the other day about

Mark asked you on a date,
whatever.

But, just, I was completely
shocked and a bit upset

just because it's like,

'cause I feel like we are
friends now,

I feel like it's gonna be in my
face.

And I just wanna know what is
going on

and if anything is happening?

What happened?

Did you go, obviously you went.

And then what happened?
- Yeah.

Gonna be completely honest here.

As terms of kissing, nothing
happened.

- Okay.

- What do you reckon
they are talking about?

- Don't know, they might be
mentioning me.

I mean, I know they spoke the
other day.

- Well how's things going?

- There's nothing in it, me
and Sam have a bit of banter,

we tell each other we like each
other

and it's all harmless and we get
on well.

It's just nice spending time
with somebody

who you know well, you know?

It's someone I can spend time
with,

but there is nothing in it yet.

- No, not yet.

- And I've still got feelings
for him.

- [Sam] Yeah.

- And I feel it does
still upset and hurt me,

I don't wanna see it.

I just wanted to know what was
going on,

if anything has happened.

- No, nothing happened.
- And if it did,

I'd want you to tell me.

[upbeat music]

- Oh my god, there's flowers.

- [Billie] Ah, who are they for?

- Sam.

- Sam, who are these from?

- "To you, for our very
special friendship.

"Seeing as you say I
have never taken you out,

"tonight is payback.

"P.s. this is not a date."

[both laughing]

That's Mark, isn't it,
definitely.

Oh my God, he sent me flowers.

- Shame they weren't a bigger
bunch.

[both laughing]

[upbeat music]

- Surprise. [laughing]

- Are we parking here or is
this where we are really going?

- Don't take the piss, Hollywood
Bowl.

Can't get better than Hollywood
can you?

- Ah, here's the reem machine.
[laughing]

- You all right, Joey.

- [Billi] Cara, look where
we are, Hollywood Bowl.

- You like Hollywood, don't you
girls?

- This is one date we've not
been on.

- Are we just parking here or
are we actually going in here?

- We are going in here
girls, what's wrong with it?

Come on let's go.

You Ready?

Joey, we're back again.

Come on girls, let's go.

- I can't believe we're at
bowling.

- [Kirk] What's wrong with it?

[upbeat jazz music]

- Ciao.
- Ciao!

- Hello everyone, [speaks
in foreign language].

Welcome to this evening,

to introduce Lucy to our way of
life,

And to celebrate Mario success
in life.

So let's have a good
drink and a good dinner.

- [Everyone] Salute.

- [Mario Snr] Salute.

[women speaks in foreign
language]

- You must be so proud of Mario.

- Yes, he done all right.

- He's such a lovely boy.
- He done all right.

- And Lucy's a nice young lady.

- [Debbie] Lucy is a lovely

and she is very lucky to have
Mario.

- Why you so quiet Mario?

- It's all quite overwhelming,
isn't it?

- Yeah.

- Do you know what I mean?
- It is, Lucy with parents.

- Lucy with the parents.

I'm getting my own place.

- Yeah.
- Moving in.

- I still look after him.

I still do his washing, his
ironing.

- I don't agree that you should,

I think he should do it by
himself.

- Why?
- What did Donna say

mom has to do for you.

What has Lucy got to do for
Mario?

- What's a Italian woman
supposed to do for a man?

- You've got to look after him,
you've got to cook for him.

- Could you imagine Lucy doing
that?

- [Mario Snr] Wash for him.

- Wash!
- Wash!

- Be ready for him at any time?

[everyone laughing]

- Are you willing to
have lots of children.

Because of the tradition of the
Italians having 12 children.

- We had a bit of a scare the
other day though, to be fair.

- [Debbie] Who?

- Me and Lucy.
- Shut up!

- Shut up!
- No!

- But don't worry it was
just a bug in the end.

Bug or a bit of wind
or something like that,

but it was fine.
- What did he say?

- Yeah, we had a scare the other
day.

- Did you?

- And everyone jumped
to the wrong conclusion,

I was just being sick
but it didn't mean that,

and it's not, don't worry.

- She thought she was pregnant,
Kim.

You was gonna be a grandmother.

- I'd love to be a grandma.

- Let's reiterate the fact it
was a bug.

[upbeat music]

- What other men do you know,

bring you to classy restaurant
like this,

shut down the kitchen
and to teach you to cook.

- It is actually really nice of
you.

I didn't think you think you'd
think of something like this.

But I'm really sorry, I can't
cook.

- That's why I'm here to teach
you.

We are gonna do a fish stew.

[Sam laughing]

Now handle this beauty, eh.
- Oh my god, oh.

What is that? [laughs]

- That is a cod.

[Sam groans]
- Sam, just touch it.

- No, the feeling of it is
horrible.

- So what, look, feels like a
booby.

And you gotta start learning
now, eh?

Come on girl.
- But I'm not bringing

fish home.

- You don't even wanna touch it,
look.

- This is not even a date,

why would you want me to cook
for you?

What you planning on
marrying me or something?

- [laughing] Look at
you finding the hints.

- We're gonna go a mackerel.
- Oh, wow, what is that?

- It looks nice.
- It's a Mackerel.

[upbeat music]

- [gasps] No, I don't
wanna touch his mouth.

[Mark groans]

- [groans] Look at that bit
coming out.

- That should be a very easy
task for you.

- Nothing's easy with
an Essex girl, Steve.

- Not impressed with this
- Stop pointing that

- date.
- knife towards me.

- Woo, yeah!

[pins clattering]

Don't throw it, now roll it.

Fucking hell.

Aim for the middle.

- You're putting me off.

- Don't just bounce it.

Just do it so it rolls.
- You are meant to be

on my team.

- I'm on, I'm tryna help you
out.

- Okay.

[upbeat music]

[all giggling]

- Joey's got camel toe.
[laughing]

- Wait, there you go.

- He's actually got camel toe.

- [Joey] No, I ain't.

- Are you having a good time?

- [Cara] Yeah, no, we
are enjoying ourselves.

- You are both smiling.
- Yeah.

- Go on then, kiss.

- [Everyone] Ciao.

- Luce, she's gotta have
some Italian in her,

I mean she is absolutely
stunning, beautiful.

- You'll have some Italian in
you tonight though. [laughing]

- [Lydia] James!

- [laughs] Sorry.

- James.
- I'm sorry

- Why have you always gotta
lower the tone

of the conversation?
- Such a crude comment.

- It's a small bit of banter,
come on.

- Lucy, are you pleased
you'll be joining my family?

- We're not getting married,
we're moving in together.

- I know.

- Luce, you're very lucky
young lady, do you know that?

- I think she is, Debb.

No, seriously, Debbie, I think
she is.

- Thing is I've never
had a proper close family

and it's nice to be
part of a close family.

'Cause I've never had it, so.

- [Mario Snr] So welcome to our
family

then Lucy.
- Honestly.

- To Lucy's new family.
- Yeah.

- I've not no drink!
- To Lucy.

- Lucy's new family.
- There we go.

- Cheers.
- Cheers!

[glasses clinking]

- I might go for the soup that
you cooked.

- Yeah, you should.

- [Mark] I've got to ain't I?

- Yeah, 'course.

- Cheers, anyway.

- Cheers, friends.

[Mark laughing]

- With benefits.

- What?
- I'm joking. [laughing]

- So, seriously, you say you're
taking me out as friends.

But what do you mean,

'cause you are doing quite
a lot of nice things for me.

Considering it's not a date.
- Yeah, but as I said to you.

I've always had feelings
for you, I still have.

I get on with you so well

and I just wanna spend
some time with you again.

And I didn't say we are
just friends and that's it,

it could lead into something.

- Are yous like proper
Essex girls, are you?

- I know exactly what you
two are gonna say. [laughing]

- Have yous had like
plastic surgery and that?

Don't be shy about it.

- That's a bit of a personal
question.

- I like fake boobs, I
call them better boobs.

- Yeah, better ain't they,
bigger.

- Does that mean you have
been looking at our boobs?

- 95% of girls in Essex

have got them.
- I've been looking at yours.

Pretty hard not to, sorry.

I'm surprised you don't
- Now, you wanted

- fall over.
- to get them out today

by the looks of things.

- I reckon you will be taller
lying down, to be honest.

[women giggling]

- Hopefully you will be, as
well.

- I will, I will.
[women giggling]

Yeah, I've had a nose job.

- Yeah, I'd like a nose job.

Joey would you ever have
surgery?

- Would I have it?
- Yeah.

- Depends, have I got any bad
features?

- No, babe.

[Joey laughing]

- When you see me, or
when you think of me,

or when you talk to me,
do I make you happy?

- Yeah.

- Like, do you get that
nervous butterfly around me,

like "Ah, it's Mark," sort of
thing.

Or is it like, "Oh, it's Mark."

- I don't get, like "Oh my God,
here's Mark," like, quiver.

But let's say we're in a
nightclub and you are there,

yeah, I suppose so.

Why?
- Just wondered.

- [Sam] Why, do you?

- Yeah, if I go to a
club and you are there,

it does make me feel homely.

It's like "Ah, Sam's there," you
know?

- What do you mean, though,
homely?

- I don't know.

The way I feel about you it's
like,

you just can't explain it.

It's weird.

I think you are like
the girl version of me.

- What do you mean?
- Well, like,

we are too alike, it's scary.

I've told you a few times,

"Babe, I love you," when I'm
drunk.

You done this, "Mark, I need to
see you."

Middle of the day, sat in the
car.

- But you, say it every
time you are drunk,

because do you know what it is?

You're a bit of a coward inside

and you can't admit your true
feelings.

That's why you don't say it

and you say it when you are
drunk.

- Why did you say you loved with
me?

- Maybe because I just thought
in my head

that you was going to
be with Lauren forever,

and I thought if I don't say
it now I would never say it.

Do you know what I mean?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It is nice to finally come out
though

and actually have a nice dinner

and be somewhere a bit romantic.

- It's lovely.

- Who knows where it will take
us.

- So right, you had a good day,
yeah?

- Yeah, it was good man.

It was good, what do
you think of the girls?

- What did you think of the
girls?

I mean they are both
all right, aren't they?

Both nice girls, do you
know what I'm saying?

- Yeah, but I don't know.

See, I like Billi but she ain't
my type.

I feel horrible.

Like, actually, I feel horrible.

- But what's wrong with a
bit of fun though for you?

What's wrong with that?

- "Cause I don't wanna do
that no more, a bit of fun.

- I'm 21, you're 23,
- No, no I don't want a bit

- they're 24.
- fun no more.

- We are in our 20s mate.

We are in our 20s, it's
a bit of fun, mate.

- But you fancy her mate, so
I'll just chat to the mate.

"Oh hello, how you doing,
you all right, you sweet?

"Cool."

While you'll cracking
on with Cara giving it,

"Yeah, yeah, look at my camel
toe."

[Joey laughs]

Right, shall we ask them
if they wanna go out

for a bit of food?

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Sweet, cool, it's been
good though ain't it?

Oi, come and have a look
at my mate's camel toe.

[women chuckling]

[gentle music]

- I mean it's really hard

when someone comes in to
your family, isn't it?

'Cause you have really high
expectations for your children.

[everyone laughing]

[Debbie speaks in foreign
language]

- Mom!

- What does that mean?
- It means--

- She said that I came home with
you.

[everyone laughing]

- [Arg] She did come home with
me.

- [Kim] Debbie, are you
disappointed in Arg then?

[everyone yelling]
[everyone laughing]

- Awkward.

- [Debbie] No, I mean, he
has grown on me. [laughs]

- Tell us the truth, Deb,

would you love me to end up
with your daughter, yes or no?

And be honest.

- I just want Lydia to be happy.
[laughs]

- And do I make your daughter
happy?

- No, James.
[everyone laughing]

All you do is make her
cry, screaming, shouting.

No, I just want her to be happy.

I mean, you must admit, James,

I have had to put up with
a lot of shit with you

really, haven't I?

I mean, really, I have.

There isn't many mother-in-laws

that would put up with what
I put up with, is there?

[singing in foreign language]

- I had a really good
night tonight, anyway.

- Me too, this is the part
where I love you and leave you.

- What you saying, you love me?

- [laughs] I'll see you later
on, yeah.

- Okay then, see you later.

- [Narrator] Next time on
"The Only Way Is Essex"

Will Lucy settle in to
the Falcone family way?

- You've got to look after him.

You've got to cook for him, was
for him.

Be ready for him anytime.

[everyone laughing]

- [Narrator] Will Joey ever
wear clothes that actually fit?

[everyone laughing]

- Joey's got camel toe.

- [Narrator] And will Mark ever
get though Sam's front door?

Who knows, these people are
real and anything can happen

on "The Only Way is Essex".

[upbeat music]