Original subtitles

- [Narrator] This programme contains flash suits, fake boobs

and one very sore bottom.

The tans you see might be fake

but the people are all real although some of what they do

has been set up purely for your entertainment.

Previously on 'The Only Way Is Essex'.

- I'm not bein' with someone like you.

I'm ashamed, go away, leave me alone.

- Heads you get Cara, tails I get Billie, yeah?

- Mate, Cara's mine.

- Heads you get Cara.

[upbeat music]

♪ The only way is up, baby

♪ For you and me now

- So what did you think the other night when I text you?

Was you a little bit confused or was you like,

you know, what does he want or was you happy?

- Yeah, when I got the text I was just thinking,

I wonder what he wants, I'm glad nothing happened though

because I reckon that if people see me getting in your car,

people might have thought that something more,

d'ya know what I mean?

- I've never in like five years of knowing ya,

we've never spent time together me and you,

and I don't know why that is.

There's no answer 'cause I've always known how I feel.

I've always felt, you know, strongly for you,

like, hopefully, likewise you to me,

but I think when you told me you loved me that time,

that's the first time you ever opened up

and I don't think me and you have ever opened up

to each other.

And since, that has stuck in my head for a long while

and I do, you know, I do think about you.

And the feelings have always been there and I care for ya,

I think we should do something fun like go skiing

or something, what d'ya reckon?

- Yeah, I wanna go skiing.

Who's gonna go?

- I think we should ask Arg and Lydia,

so you ain't gotta be scared, it's not a date.

- I know it's not a date.

- I know you think it a date, so I gotta keep,

I've gotta keep stressing to you that it's not.

- I don't think it's a date.

No, this is your excuse for a date, I just wanna spend

some time with you, I like spending time with you.

- If it was a date I'd be wining and dining you

and you know it.

[Sam laughs]

[upbeat music]

- This is my favourite place, I love it here.

I've been waitin' to actually come here for ages.

- I could think of better places to be today.

- Why, we've got goats, llamas, pigs, everything.

It's jokes.

- Oh, it stinks of ass.

- Basically, this rope, like, is for the llamas

but the thing is they can spit.

They'll spit at ya, seriously.

They go [hisses] and you go [grunts].

- Listen, if that llama spits at me,

I'm taking him down, right?

- [Joey] And the goat's peein', look, how embarassin'.

- Is that why they're called goats,

'cause they got goat ears?

- Yeah, that is so right.

- [Chloe] You can't shave them off then

otherwise they totally won't have have their right name.

- [Joey] Yeah.

- So that girl last night, Cara, is it?

Like, what's the story with her?

- Don't you think she's a salt.

- Sort of what?

Sort of too old for ya?

- No, no, like I'm sayin' good lookin' like, salt,

don't you think?

- Well, I'm not saying she's not good looking

but like I just, I dunno, like, she's.

How old is she?

She looks older than me.

- She's, I think she's 24, 23, 23.

- Shut up.

- [Joey] Yeah.

- She's well older.

- All I'm sayin' is I think she's really,

I think she's good lookin'.

- And like the thing with Sam,

that's finished completely then?

- Completely.

She's, do you know what I mean?

She's moved on, I need to move on don't I so.

- Just don't rush into anything.

[upbeat music]

- Lydia Rosebright.

- James Avid Thomas Luke Argent.

- What's all this anyway, is it all the stock?

- It's all my stock for the shop.

- It does look good, don't it?

You confident?

- Yeah, I'm excited.

- So are you talking to me?

- Yeah.

- [Arg] We gonna make up?

- I don't wanna argue.

- Nor do I.

- [Lydia] Let's not argue.

- I don't wanna argue.

- Come here, you silly old sausage.

[Arg laughs]

- Love you so much.

- I'm sorry.

- Sorry.

- Best friends for life?

- Yeah, can I have a kiss?

- I love you.

- I love you too.

- Sorry we argued.

- That's alright.

We haven't really got on that well recently, have we?

- No.

- And I think the main issue

is the issue with you and Mark, isn't it?

Nothing in the world that would mean more to me is

if you was to make up with my best friend

and you two were to get on.

- I understand.

- [Arg] Can you do that?

- Yeah, I wanna put it to the back of me.

I wanna forget about it and we can be one big happy family.

- [Arg] Promise?

- Promise.

I love you, give me a kiss. - I love you too.

- So you've had a bit of a shitter this week, ain't ya?

- It's been the worst week of my life,

like without comparison.

Basically like these rumours going around, obviously,

that I was or am or whatever like an escort, like.

- Why, like where's this come from?

- You know when I used to do Wembley

and I used to do hosting and stuff like that,

and you remember when I went to Dubai doing it?

- Yeah.

- It's the Grand Prix, it was all above board,

that has now been turned into something else.

- So you going on a promo job to Dubai has turned

into that now you're a prostitute?

- Yeah.

My mum phoned me this morning like,

and she was crying about it and.

- Well, it's not nice for your mum, any mum to see, is it?

- Just feels like everyone's sort of judging me now

and everyone's.

- Everyone judges people anyway,

whether you've got a rumour going round or not.

And you're not a weak person,

so I think if it happened to anyone else I think

they probably would would have crumbled, but you haven't.

- I have.

I'm just finding it like.

- Just don't let it get to you.

I know it's easy for me to say.

Honestly, like we all know you, we all believe you,

the people who don't, fuck 'em like.

- I feel like everything was like so going well,

d'ya know what I mean?

I've never like, I don't argue with people.

I know I like obviously feel out with Kirk,

but I don't argue with people.

I don't fall out with people and like I just wanna get on,

d'ya know what I mean, just get on with my life and.

- Then get on with it.

Don't let this stop you from doing anything

that you wanna do.

- I feel like I'm.

The way I'm having to cope with it

is almost like as if it is true

and like I'm having to tell my family like

that I'm not a, you know, a whatever you wanna call it.

And it's just, it's just embarassin' and it's.

- What's going on with Mick?

Has he mentioned it or spoke to you about it?

No?

- No, I've messaged him,

and I've not heard anything from him, so we'll see.

[pigs grunting]

[Chloe shrieks]

- That's filth.

I hate this zoo.

I hate it.

This should be barred from Essex.

- To be fair, the piglets.

- It's like the least Essex thing ever.

So how's it going in the pool house, what's happening?

- Yeah, it's going well.

I mean we'll have a pie and mash pool party.

- Yeah, I like that.

I ain't had pie and mash for so long.

- No, nor have I.

- It's really annoying, like it

'cause it's way too much carbs,

that's why I haven't been eating it lately,

but it's my favourite dinner.

- Do you think people are gonna like pie and mash though,

do you think people are gonna understand what it means,

because obviously we used to have it when we was little but.

- I think they will.

Well, listen me, you and Frankie ate it

throughout our whole lives.

Nanny used to take us to get it every Saturday.

- Know what I'm saying?

- [Chloe] So if were still alive everyone's gonna love it.

- What about right, at the pie and mash pool party,

disgusting, why don't we get everyone

to dress up as animals?

- What is it with animals?

- Not full animals, just face paint and that,

it'll be funny.

I'm gonna be a zebra, what you gonna be, a koala bear?

- I think I'll let you know about that.

- [Joey] Kirk wants to go as a frog.

- That's not really an animal though, is it?

- Frogs are animals, aren't they?

- No, it's like part of the family of fish.

- Oh no, they're an amphibian, innit?

[peaceful music]

- [Kirk] Alright mate?

- Alright mate?

- Oh, that's cold, innit?

- [Mick] Bit chilly, innit?

- You like stroking horses, don't ya, hello.

- I'm brushing him, not stroking him.

- That's the same, innit?

- [Mick] You alright?

- Brushing in strokes, how you doin'?

- It's all gone a bit wonky for me mate.

- Why what have I done?

- [Mick] Na, you aint done nothing.

- Sure?

- Yep, nah it ain't you mate.

- Why, what's up?

- The whole Maria thing.

I was hearing rumours that she'd,

she was seeing another fella.

Somebody said they saw them out to dinner

and then the doorman said to me the other night

that she was in the club

and she left with this other guy hand in hand,

somebody said that he was a footballer.

- Ah, see that's why then, that's why.

She sees a bit more ready,

she obviously thinks a footballer's rolling

even bigger than you.

- You know me, I'm proud of who I am and what I am,

and I don't really wanna be messed about so.

- Yeah.

- I'm just gonna draw a line under it and move on.

So maybe you was right son.

I'll have to listen to you a little bit more in future, eh?

- I don't want you to be hurt.

- Nah, I'm not hurt by it, I just feel a bit stupid,

but I often don't get myself tied with people

and I did pretty quickly there, but it is what it is mate.

- It's not nice.

- Well, that's my life.

How you getting on anyway?

- Yeah good man, alright.

- I hear you was, you and Joey were chatting

them birds up in the club, weren't ya, the other night?

- Yeah, Cara and Billie,yeah.

- How d'ya get on with them?

- They did seem nice.

I think Joey's inviting them to his party.

- You and Joey are getting on alright as well, ain't ya?

- Oh honestly mate, I feel like Joey's my brother,

you know, we've got this little thing going on now, jerk

- Jerk, what is that, jerk, who's Jerk?

- Joey and Kirk

- Oh Joey and Kirk.

- It's team Jirk.

Question mark.

I can't do a question mark.

[Mick laughs]

- So how have ya been then,

I feel like I haven't seen ya for ages.

- I know I've just, thank you.

I know, I've just been non stop at the minute, very busy.

- So you haven't met anyone yet then?

- Not really.

- Have you heard from Mark?

- Yeah, like a bit of a drunken.

I saw him once when I was drunk.

- When was that?

- Last week or something.

- What did you do?

[woman laughs]

- I didn't do anything.

- Please tell me Lauren,

that you did not sleep with him, again.

- I'm not answering.

- Are you mad?

- No.

- Lauren!

- [Lauren] No, I'm not saying that.

- You should be thinking I would not want to go near that.

- [Lauren] I don't.

- Ever again

- I just like I know I've got the power,

I can talk to him, walk away from him.

- As long as there's no emotions involved.

- No.

- Then yeah, that's fine.

But as soon as you start thinking,

don't even start thinking.

- Trust me, I won't.

And it made me feel a bit better

'cause I just like got you where I want.

And I know I'm the stronger one, I know I am.

I just felt like.

- So has he text you since?

That bloke doesn't know what he's doing

at the minute, does he?

- He don't.

- [Nicola] He really don't.

- No, I think he's lost it.

- So what would you do if he started seein' someone.

- Don't get me wrong, probably still gonna hurt me.

Probably still a bit of shock

but I've seen it now so many times.

I've never done that to him.

He's never actually seen me with another guy

and I think it's about time now that he did.

[upbeat music]

- What is this even called?

What, you just say oh I wanna stick a tube up my bum

to clean out me insides?

- No, it's called a colonic irrigation.

- Why are you even botherin' with this?

- Well, you know, apparently it helps with your weight loss

and, you know, I could lose two three pounds

after doin' it.

You know, all the celebs do it.

- And more importantly, why am I here watching you do it?

- 'Cause I need some support.

- Okay, so what exactly is gonna happen here?

Explain to me.

- All right, we're going to insert a speculum

then attach the tubes and introduce the water.

- How big's the thing you're gonna insert.

- Oh for god's sake.

- [Mark] That's bigger than the average sized penis!

- I dunno why I feel sick, I feel so nervous.

- Okay, we ready?

- I think so.

- Right, off we go.

Nice big breaths in. [men groaning]

Big breath in.

[Mark laughing]

You all right there?

- Oh fuckin' hell, Mark.

Oh, that's right up there that is.

Are you sure Simon Cowell gets this done every week?

- I don't think he does.

- Oh, there's water goin' up there.

- [Nurse] That's the water going through.

- [Arg] Oh it's warm.

[Mark gagging]

- [Mark] That is and absolute joke.

- [Arg] What are you seeing?

- Shit!

What are you doing to yourself?

[peaceful music]

- So nice to finally be in a double bed.

- I know.

- You looking forward to moving in together?

- Yeah, I am, I'm really lookin' forward to it, yeah.

- Did you hear that Joey's having a housewarming party?

Do you fancy going?

- Think find out who's going first.

- If people that we don't particularly like are going

then we'll stay at home in bed.

- We haven't bought a bed yet Mario.

- We'll come back here then [laughs].

They won't mind.

I think I'm gonna be choosin' the bed.

- No, I just think the girl should choose all the,

like, girly things which is like a bed, bedding.

I want like black, all silky, sequins on the throw.

You like?

- Sounds all right.

- Compromise, Mario,

that's what movin' in together's about, compromise.

- So what do you think of this bed?

- Well, I'm not very comfortable really.

- Really, why?

- There's like a spring up my ass.

- If we get this bed, there won't be anything up your ass.

- Picked up Sam didn't ya?

- Yeah, no, I didn't pick her up.

I was drivin' past.

I text her to come out for a chat.

So I asked her if she wants to come skiing.

- Skiing.

- [Mark] Yeah, to our ski slopes.

Why don't you and Lyd come?

- Yeah, definitely.

- To be fair that's a perfect way

for me to, you know, just break the ice with Lyd.

- I know she loves skiin'.

She'd enjoy that.

- Perfect.

We'll so that then, won't we?

All four of us go skiin' yeah?

- Feels like I'm havin' a baby.

- Can you feel the pressure?

- [Arg] Yeah.

- What's that thing then?

- Some bit of food that he hasn't chewed.

- A Big Mac'll fly down there in a minute.

He ain't chewed it.

- On the count of three, I'll remove everything.

You just get down, make your way straight

to the the toilet.

So onto your left for me.

One, two, three.

Off you go.

- Face that way, no, face this way

so your ass is away from me.

- Oh my god, I'm gonna explode.

- [Nurse] Sit on the loo.

- What happens now, just all the poo'll fly out?

- Yeah, so he should sit on the toilet

and everything will come through.

[water whooshing] - Was that that?

Was that that noise all flyin' out.

- Yeah might be.

- [Mark] Was that your arse?

- [Arg] Yeah.

[upbeat music]

- Hello. - Hello mate, you all right?

- [Pie Man] How you doin'?

- [Frankie] Is it all right

if we have one pie, one mash please?

- Just to try it.

- Thank you.

I love pie and mash.

Yeah, loads of the [mumbles] please.

Thank you.

Do you know what it's made out of?

- It's made out of like parsley innit?

- Yeah.

- And ham.

- No, it's got eels in it, it's eel juice.

- It's got eels in it?

- Not in it but it's made out of the juice of the eels.

- Oh, this is bang on, I reckon everyone will love this.

- Yeah.

So who's coming?

- Well, I invited Cara and Billie.

- Anything happening, any news?

- Well, no, they're up for a laugh, d'ya know what I mean?

- Yeah.

- Whatever happens happens, but.

- How old are they?

- I think they're like 23 or something.

- You looking forward to the party anyway?

- Yeah, I can't wait.

I might go as a zebra.

- Zebra's good.

- I need it to look, needs a ring.

- We're gonna have like face paint and everything?

- Yeah, I got professional face painters

from Ibiza that's comin'.

- Shut up.

Oh my god.

- That's sorted mate.

What are you gonna go as?

- Snake.

- But you're not like a, a camel or something like that?

- What, 'cause I've got the hump all the time?

- Do you reckon everyone's gonna like find it quite cool?

- No one's ever done it before in Essex.

- It's a zoo pool party.

- Zoo pie and mash party, I've never heard of.

- It's called APAMP.

Instead of sayin', do you wanna come to

an animal pie and mash pool party,

I make it shorter, do you wanna come to the APAMP?

What's that?

Animal pie and mash pool party.

[upbeat music]

♪ Can I make you hot

♪ Can I make you wet

♪ Can I make you dance until you sweat ♪

♪ Can I make you put your hands up in the air ♪

- So you want Kirk, and you want me to have Joey?

- Well, I don't particularly fancy Joey.

I really like Joey.

- But you fancy Kirk?

- You know what, I like Kirk.

I think he's really good looking.

Yeah, there's sort of a instant attraction to him.

So what would you do if like Joey stuck it on you?

- What do you mean, stuck it on me?

- Like tried to snog you or something?

- I know what you'd do.

- What?

I know what you'd do, something we definitely have to do.

- [Cara] Yeah?

- Is be wearing sexy outfit.

We've gotta both look the nuts when we go there,

we wanna out-do all the other girls.

- [Cara] Yeah.

- And most of all we wanna get the boys' attention.

So what do you think of this?

- [Cara] I like that.

- Leopard print, animal style.

- Yeah, I like leopard.

I think something a little bit more revealing.

- Really?

- Yeah.

- Well, what sort of animal wears revealing clothes?

[women laughing]

[upbeat music]

- [Mario] Hi, babe, you alright?

- Hi, you.

- [Mario] How ya doing?

- Long time no see.

- Yeah, true.

I'm glad I bumped into you.

- Why's that?

- Well, firstly, I've heard a few rumours

about things you've been saying.

- [Peri] Go on then.

- That I apparently am with Lucy

'cause I wanna be the top boy in Essex.

Right, that couldn't be further from the truth.

I don't wanna be the top boy in Essex,

I leave up to the other wannabes.

- Well, then why did you say to me,

literally two weeks before I heard you was together,

oh yeah, my friends are trying to set me up

with that Lucy Mecklenburgh.

- I have never said that to you.

I have never said that to you.

- Yeah, you did, we were standing.

- I'm not bein' funny.

- Are you lying then?

Well, I was standing right there.

- Right, do you think, think about it, right,

I have chased Lucy for a year,

why would it be in my interest to lie?

Listen, these last two weeks I've been

through all the rumours and allegations

that's been thrown at her.

- It's not rumours, she's definitely slept with him.

- Do not interrupt me, don't make that mistake.

- Why, what you gonna do?

- What do you mean, what am I gonna?

You're no one to me, you're no one to me, so.

- What's gonna happen, what's gonna happen if.

You're no one to me, so it doesn't matter, does it?

- Exactly, then why you fucking talking

about me behind my back then?

So none of your business.

If I'm no one to you why you still talking about me?

- [Peri] Does it matter, everyone talks.

- [Mario] I don't give a shit.

- Well, then why are you having a go at me?

- [Mario] If people talk about me, then good luck to them.

- Then why you having a go at me about it?

- Obviously, you seem to be a little bit bitter

about the fact that things didn't work out with me.

- [Peti] Bitter?

- Don't interrupt me, right.

Why would I go anywhere near you

when there's Lucy Mecklenburgh, no disrespect, seriously.

- Who do you think you actually are?

- Who do I think I am?

- [Peri] Like talking to me like that.

- I'm not talking like anything, so do one.

[Peri laughs]

[upbeat music]

♪ Nothin' but a heartache every day ♪

- Hiya. - All right.

- Thanks for meeting me. - That's alright,

I've got you a glass of wine.

- [Sam] How are you?

Thank you.

- How are you?

- [Lauren G] Oh, I'm all right, I'm shattered.

- [Sam] You look nice.

- You do too.

- Okay, so thank you for coming to meet me.

Basically I just wanted to speak to you,

because earlier on Mark said what you doing later

and I was like nothing, and he went do you fancy coming out,

do you wanna go skiing, like for fun, like a date.

- Yeah.

- I went, right, okay who's going,

and he was like Arg and Lydia.

And I said yeah, because to be honest like,

I do like him, we get on fun,

but it's gonna be like a double date, just fun,

and I felt like I needed to tell you.

I felt like I didn't have to do this, but I want to because.

- Yeah, yeah, it's hard, it is hard.

It's weird for me, obviously, hearing that

'cause I like you, and d'ya know what I mean,

and I can't blame you for liking Mark,

I can't dislike you for that.

And I dunno.

Something happened like between us

that shouldn't have happened,

'cause it's kind of where I've been with him for so long.

- What, so recently you spent the night together?

- I'm not saying anything.

But yeah, something happened.

But I dunno I just think we've been together for so long.

- It's, like it's understandable, look,

what you've had for 10 years is hardly gonna be anything

to compare one date, d'ya know what I mean?

And I don't see it as, like I said,

like me and him going out together.

- Do you think it's a date?

- I dunno, he said do you wanna go out, like a date.

- Yeah, but I admit, I am a bit.

It does feel weird hearing you say it,

but then again, I'm not with him, am I,

so I've gotta let him get on with what he wants to do,

and I've gotta get on with what I wanna do.

And you've been honest and told me,

and at the end of the day it's not you on him,

he's asked you.

- I appreciate you coming to meet me anyway.

- Yeah, no, thank you, I appreciate it as well.

- [Sam] See ya later, yeah.

- See ya later.

- Mm, so reem.

♪ Come follow me, baby

♪ Come follow me

Hello, what are ya?

- A leopard.

- Do your leopard noises then.

[Lauren growls]

- I'm a tiger.

[Joey growls]

- Why, what's a zebra noise?

[Joey grunts]

- [Lauren G] Harry!

- Hey.

- Let me guess, you're a bunny rabbit.

- All around the pool.

- What's happenin' mate. - Brother.

- You look good, gone all out, yeah,

two zebras together, yeah.

- Are the girls here yet?

- No, not yet.

One minute later.

- I've had a proper Weston here for this mash.

Proper ag, honestly.

- What are you sayin'?

- You look good, you look like you had a fight

on the way here with another zebra.

- Looks like you've had a right turn out.

- I'm havin' a right turnout on a zebra.

- Do you know what I am?

Get the whole outfit in.

- A beetle?

- Do you wanna be wearing this mash.

No, I'm a royal black swan obviously.

Look.

- Today is all about us having a good time

and you actually, you know, d'ya reckon you

could make an effort with Mark?

- Oh, I've said what was said, and now the argument's over,

there's nothing else to talk about, is there?

- Here they are.

- How ya doing?

- [Arg] What's going on?

- [Sam] You excited?

- [Lydia] So excited.

- What's happening boy?

All right Lyd?

- [Lydia] Hi Mark.

- We'll have a chat later, eh?

- Aw, how are you?

- [Arg] Yeah, I'm really good.

- You good?

- You know what, I'm a bit nervous about today,

but I'm also quite looking forward for it.

- I can't wait to get this geezer on the slopes.

- I'm just worried about health and safety.

I wanna know when I'm getting the arm pads, the helmets

and all that.

- Just get out there and go for it,

to the top, straight down.

Under you go.

Under, lean back, now lean back, lean back!

What you doing?

Arg, get up properly and sort it out.

Stand up straight, stand up straight, keep going, well done.

Keep still baby.

- [Lydia] I thought you'd be a bit better at skiing, Mark.

- You thought I'd be better, you sure?

- Yeah, you aint that good, are ya?

- Lyd, there's nothing I'm not good at, babe.

- I'm joking, you do all right, ain't ya, pretty good at it.

- What did you expect?

I was really down for the last like week or so,

with me and you arguing, it don't feel right,

and as soon as I see ya today I was like yes,

there's no like hard feelings.

- Yeah.

- Obviously, take this moment now to make up properly,

but it doesn't seem

like there's any grudges held between us.

- [Lydia] No, definitely not, no.

- [Mark] It feels good.

- I want us to make up and apologise and be friends.

- Gimme a cuddle then, come on.

Where's Arg?

Arg!

[woman shrieks]

- Do you know who else is coming?

- Well dunno, like Mario and Lucy are here, aren't they?

- [Peri] I was really hoping

I wouldn't bump into them today.

- Why?

- 'Cause like yesterday I was coming out the shop

and he was like alright Peri,

and he was like I've got a few things to clear up with you,

and then absolutely just started shouting at me,

I never bought you a coffee.

I went what?

- Is he lying?

- Yeah, he's 100% lying.

I swear on my granddads grave.

I think the reason he's lying is

because he doesn't want Lucy to know

that he'd obviously took me out while he was talking to her.

But I didn't know anything about it,

so it's not my fault, and I've got like no.

- I've heard that from so many girls though.

- Bit of a player.

- [Arg] It's been a nice day so far, innit?

- It's been alright, innit, it's fun.

- How are you and Sam?

What's going on, are you having a bit of,

what is it, a date or what's going on?

- No, we're just having fun.

Me and Sam, you know, I like her

and you know as a friend,

and obviously there's always been that sort of part of it,

but I'm not taking her out like that.

I don't wanna move on to another girl yet,

I just wanna be spending time with a girl.

Whatever happens, happens.

I'm enjoying her company, you know,

already today were having a laugh.

- Does this mean that it's just Sam your talking to now,

is it just Sam you're texting

or is there other girls you're gonna have

a bit of a dabble with or you being loyal to Sam?

- Nah, there's no reason to be loyal or disloyal

to anyone at the moment,

because it's not like that between me and Sam.

If it goes further than that

and then we start realising we do like each other

then maybe I will stop having a dabble,

but the right to stop me having a dabble is

about as much chance as me falling over down this slope.

[men laughing]

- [Arg] I'm getting the hang of this and all.

- Are you having a good night?

- Yeah, are you?

- Yeah, no it's nice.

It's really funny actually,

'cause I met up with Sam earlier.

It was a bit weird 'cause I thought like me and her

have come kinda friends lately and she sorta said to me

that Mark asked her out on a date.

- Mark's asked out Sam out on a date?

- Mark's asked Sam out on a date.

And I was like, wow what?

I was completely shocked, I didn't know what to say.

I just find it, I find it a bit strange,

I can't get my head round it.

I wonder what Mark.

- So maybe it's not a date date, maybe.

- Yeah, but I don't get it.

I don't understand.

Like is there not enough girls

or do you always keep going with the same ones.

I don't understand why it's just the same circle,

like I like Sam.

- Does it bother you the thought of them there now?

- It does, yeah.

- [Mark] You having a good day?

- Yeah, good.

- You fell over enough times, didn't ya?

- What, I fall over twice.

- I was a bit worried about you going home,

and your mum and dad will say where you been,

you've got carpet burns all over you.

- Oh, you always have to do something like sexual or rude.

- Yeah, but you've got grazes all over you,

so what they gonna think?

- I haven't.

I've got one and that is it.

Oh, anyway, I saw Lauren earlier

- [Mark] Did ya?

- And I just said that Mark said do you wanna go like

for fun, like skiing with Arg and Lydia,

and then like she basically said

that you slept with each other recently, like the other day.

- The other day?

- Well, like a week ago,

and she feels that it's a bit weird

that you're asking me to come out with you like as a friend

when that's happened so recent.

- Well, number one, it's not weird

'cause me and you have both stated to each other that,

you know, it's nothing more than that.

- Yeah.

- Nah, I appreciate the fact that you've spoke

to her about it, I think that's good of you to be honest.

You know, and I was gonna speak to Joey as well,

but I just didn't rush into speaking to Joey

and I didn't think you needed to rush into speaking

to Lauren until it was gonna be more than that,

d'ya know what I mean,

if it was gonna be more than that, because otherwise.

- Yeah, but it was only gonna get back

to her in a different way and look worse

than what it was, that's what I'm saying.

- Oh okay, so you've sort of laid it

in that like already that, you know,

it's just a bit of fun, whatever else.

- [Sam] Yeah.

- Oh okay.

- Are you still sleeping with Lauren?

It doesn't bother me.

- Exactly.

- I'm just saying if that's the way,

if that's the way how you cope with like sort of,

you know, getting over it then that's fine,

but I just think it's weird.

- Anyway shall we go down?

Hold my pole.

- No.

- Why?

- It's too dangerous.

- Come on.

- Alright, can I have a kiss?

- They're fit though, aren't they, both of them?

The two girls. - Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh hello.

- How are you?

All right Joe.

- Bill, you alright? - Yeah, you?

- [Kirk] You look lovely.

- [Billi] Thank you.

- That's a nice present, innit.

- Like it?

- How ya doin?

- Yeah, it's well good.

- I just touched ya boob, I didn't mean to.

- [Billi] What do you think?

- So what one's you and what one's Cara?

- [Billi] Okay, so the black one's Cara

and the blonde one's me.

- [Kirk] We got a fish each.

What do you think of Joey's new palace?

- [Billi] It looks nice.

- [Kirk] It's alright, innit?

- [Billi] It's really nice.

What's it like inside?

- Here are. - It's alright.

Come on, shall I show you around, can I show her round?

- Course ya can, mate.

- Come on, let me show ya around.

She looks a bit scared.

I aint gonna do nothing to ya yet, I need to get you drunk.

- Getting in the pool later?

- Might do.

- Yeah me and you yeah?

- Me, you, Kirk, and Billie maybe.

- [Joey] Nah, just me and you.

- Just me and you?

You're not shy, are ya, Joey? - You gonna get in?

Nah. - No.

[upbeat music]

- There's Peri there, I swear she's looking again.

- [Mario] Don't like that girl.

- [Gemma] Don't you like her.

- She's just stirring shit.

- The thing is though, I heard you went in her shop

and said Lucy was ugly

or you wouldn't wanna go out with her.

- I don't know why Mario would say that,

because literally he's been texting me.

- Pursued you for like.

- Emailing me for like for like two years.

- As for Lucy not being my type, I said look at her.

I went I'm not being funny Peri,

why would I go anywhere near you

when I can have Lucy Mecklenburgh?

- Which was a bit, to say that to any girl.

- Yeah, I know. - Is a bit hurtful.

- Yeah, it's hurtful.

- D'ya know what I mean Mario,

you could have like been a bit.

- But if she's being out of order than it's like.

- [Mario] Then why should I bother?

- But listen, just let it go.

Who is Peri?

- Someone needs to put her in her place though,

that's not on.

- Don't take this the wrong way

'cause I tell yous to your face, you sound a bit

like all weak, oh this one's saying that,

that one's saying that.

Fuck 'em.

Grow up all of ya 'cause I've had enough of listening to it.

- Lauren.

- [Lauren] All right Joey?

All right.

- What's happening, you alright?

- [Lauren G] Freezing.

- So cold, freezing.

- Oh, my god, I can't get down.

- But it's a good time for a pool party?

- Definitely, you smashed it.

- Bought the house at the wrong time,

but this pool party's good, innit?

- Oh it's brilliant.

- Steaming,

- You had a good day though?

- Yeah, it's good, you all right?

- I've had a really good day.

Yeah, I had a meet up with Sam.

- Why did ya have a meeting for?

- Well she told me that her and Mark were going on a date.

But then it weren't a date,

it was just gonna be a meeting but.

- What do you mean, a meeting or a date?

- Well, apparently he wants some girl company.

- You're telling me, right,

that Sam and Mark are going on a date?

- Well, it's with Argent and Lydia.

- What, they're going on a date, like they're,

them two and them two?

Oh my god, mate what is Sam doing?

- It's been a good day, innit?

- Yeah, it's been really good.

- Time flies when your having fun, don't it?

- Yeah, [laughs] you're so cheesy.

- I reckon you should take me out for once.

- Listen, if I took you out you you would never,

you would be amazed,

you'd never wanna go out on a date with somebody else again.

- You calling this a date then?

- [Sam] You asked me on a date the other day,

this is your date.

- I said we're coming out to have some fun.

I didn't say a date.

You just said if I took you on a date,

so you're hinting a date, yeah?

- No, don't be silly.

- But if this was a date I suppose I'd be leaning over,

kissing you right now.

- Yeah, but it's not a date, is it?

- Nah, let's go.

- Mark was with you, yeah,

by the time I was getting with Sam.

Yous two were engaged, so everything was sweet.

Now, now Mark's split up with you and now,

for some reason, fucking he thinks he can get

with some bird I was going out with.

- So what you think they're doing then,

do you think they're friends or?

- Well.

- [Lauren G] It's weird.

- Lauren, I ain't psychic, mate,

but there more than friends, mate.

- [Lauren G] Really?

- Trust me, I aint stupid.

I didn't think Mark would do this to me,

d'ya know what I mean?

He was my pal, what's he doing this for?

- You gonna talk to him?

- I'm really confused, I dunno what to say.

It's hurt me in a way of,

it's hurt me more in Mark's way, like what is he doing?

- Yeah.

- What do you reckon?

How do you feel about Mark?

- Don't wanna be with him. I just wanna be single.

- That's good, mate. - Enjoy myself.

- That's good, that's good.

- I don't wanna. - Come here.

You alright, yeah?

Don't worry, yeah, I'm good, I'm good.

- [Narrator] Next time on The Only Way Is Essex.

Will Joey ever get his bird wet?

- Gettin' in the pool later, me and you yeah?

- Not shy, are you Joey?

- No. - No.

[men groaning]

- [Narrator] Will Arg ever walk the same again?

[Mark laughing]

- Oh it's right up there that is.

- [Narrator] And will Mark and Sam remain poles apart?

- Hold my pole.

- No, it's too dangerous.

- [Narrator] Who knows?

These people are real and anything can happen

on The Only Way Is Essex.

- Lean back, lean back, what are you doing?

♪ The only way is up baby

♪ For you and me now

♪ The only way is up, baby

♪ For you and me now